Hefty Bags
When my friends and I talk, we talk about serious, pressing issues facing the world today. We are deeply concerned with current events and frequently find ourselves talking about items taken directly from the news.We are passionate about environmental issues and conservation. Last night, Moronda and I debated an environmental issue. Moronda has strong environmental convictions. She believes in recycling men that she has already slept with. I support the environment by dating men with previous emotional baggage. I like to consider them post-consumer waste men. I don't damage new men. That would be environmentally irresponsible. Also, I only flush my toilet when people ring my doorbell. I wish my toilet was wired to my doorbell. It would ease my mind.
Moronda had a pressing question last night. Something that had made her lose several minutes of sleep the previous night. She wanted to know if it is appropriate for her to tell a man with a little penis that it is entirely unnecessary for him to wear a Magnum condom. She feels that he's delusional and doesn't want to give him a complex. Moronda says that the sex would be good if not for the excess latex in the way. It gets in the way of the satisfaction of all parties. Not being a fan of the condom, I asked her how bad it could be. I repeated her reply to myself over and over in my head, so that I could quote her properly here. She said:
"I mean, it looks like a ten gallon garbage bag hanging off his sh*t. He can't bust and neither can I. He keeps trying to come up with all these complex scenarios as to why. I'm like, 'hello, maybe it's the Hefty you have on that little wee wee of yours'."
Lord, I wish he was psycho enough to bug her phone. He needed to hear that.
Please, if you are banging my friend Moronda and you are reading this, scale it down a size.
Thanks in advance.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:08 AM
94 Comments:
I bet she's 'glad' to know you care for her so much that you would address the guy that isn't 'hefty' enough for her.
That's all I got...
michael,
I do what I can for my friends.
You caring nature shows. I take it Moronda doesn't read your blog...
michael,
My friends are beautiful, not literate.
That's weird, most of mine are the other way around. Perhaps that's why pretty people make me so skittish. On the bright side, I've learned a lot about stuff...
only flush my toilet when people ring my doorbell?
I don't understand that at all.
The rest is fine. I'm glad you can help poor Moronda when she has a problem.
Keep up with the writing, I wish I could relate to life's situations like you do. Thanks.
..
Just a suggestion? Send her to Inserection on a shopping jaunt. She can pick up some colors she likes, some styles... all in the size he needs.
He discovers it's better with the right equipment? He'll get over the ego thing.
Besides, he could be still ignorant and not know there's a difference.
Hey, Sorry I haven't been around in a bit. SHAMELESS PLUG AHEAD (I'll understand if you delete it.)
I've been spending all my time here: www.ifoundaknife.com
Somehow I am wondering if this wasn't the inspiration behind all the "don't get mad get glad" garbage bag commercials of the past.
BD
I suppose a hefty bag is better than a ziplock, at least you can tie it on.
I believe I may have a solution to your friend's problem. She should surreptitiously slip smaller condoms into the original packaging of the larger condoms, and just let him use those. Not only will it spare his ego, but he will actually think his wee wee is getting bigger.
If I were banging her (or anyone else, dammit) I would totally wear whatever she suggests. Just as long as there are no Tiny Tim jokes....
LMAO I like your friend. A guy actually told me that he was so horny that his little boy was not growing to its usual king size. I have yet to see a small wee wee with a huge garbage beg.
Please tell me Moronda has a blog, too, so I can start reading her juicy quotes firsthand.
Maybe she needs to provide the condoms, under the guise of "let's try these totally cool new bust-our-moves condoms I found at the drugstore..." He needn't know she bought them in size XS.
Speaking for the small-penised among us, I can say that very small condoms, like the snug-fitting Kimono brand, aren't the answer either. I like Durex, which are snug at the base and a bit looser at the head, so you get more friction on the sensitive spots. Of course in a pinch a rain-poncho will also work. Safe sex is hot sex!
i need to talk about little wee wees right now. the little schlong is useful only when it is rock hard.
whoa. i'm drunk. i'll comment tomorrow. why didn't you pick up your phone?
see what you've done? you invited a stalker.
what are you wearing?
Either that or he needs to pull those hefty drawstrings a little tighter!
Morondo sure has a way with words! Has she got a blog?
I recycle my own emotional baggage.
Maybe she should BYO?
I recycle my own emotional baggage, too. I have it at both ends of the week.
I have never used a condom ever. I am too cheap to buy them, and I have never been good at shoplifting.
Everytime someone says Magnum, I think of Tom Selleck. I had a super crush on him back then.
You flush the toilet when the doorbell rings? There are better impressions of bodily functions you could project, but whatever works for you ;p
I just use surgical gloves - then I can just re-insert into a new finger and keep going. The only time it's a problem is if we make it to the thumb.
My friends are beautiful, not literate.
Hmmm. I gotta get me some friends like that.
Or steal yours.
All I can think of since reading your post is that dang jingle from the Hefty commercial
"Hefty Hefty Hefty...wimpy wimpy wimpy"
I have one question...
55 gallon black yard bag or white tall kitchen bag?
Most guys who use super size condoms are delusional.
'Bust'?! My, that's classy.
Puss
thank you, thank you for my new favorite phrase: passionate about environmental issues and conservation. that made my morning, even if i did need to wipe up all that coffee that flew outta my nose.
if your friend is intimate enough to be banging this guy, she should be brave enough to suggest that they try "this new condom i heard about" that just so happens to fit her man's little fellow. good luck to her!
p.s. thank you so much for getting rid of that damn confirmation code that never liked me much. wahoo!!
This is a controversial post
You're controversial.
These are the issues that affect American culture and society. I'm also reading the Al Gore book. It has no pictures in it. It will enhance your brain.
Moronda needs a new man. Size really does matter.
michael,
Pretty people make you skittish? Oh, we'd have so much fun with you.
jim,
I only flush to appear to be well-mannered. Other than that, what's the point?
willie,
Shameless plugs by non spammers allowed.
bd,
I wish they'd bring those commercials back.
nina,
They come with those handy twist ties.
capt. smack,
I think that only feeds the problem.
tim,
Sometimes, she likes it when men wear heels. Shall I have her call you?
misstress,
King size sounds like a candy bar. There's also fun size.
jocelyn,
I believe she MySpaces.
wee,
I don't own a rain poncho. I do have several umbrellas. Umbrella sex is painful.
jennifer,
I was wearing a wife beater and face down in the couch.
lcg,
What about his circulation?
akelamalu,
I'm never going to suggest to Moronda that she blog.
rachel,
I have emotional baggage tags on my luggage.
rosanna,
My emotional baggage looks good with my shoes.
Thanks for coming by.
mr. fab,
I wasn't very good at shoplifting either. It took one fateful teenage experience to teach me that.
debbie,
These condoms don't have mustaches.
lonie,
I'm not known for my charm and grace.
av,
I have a fear of chickens and rubber gloves remind me of chickens.
peter,
My friends all have a price.
wreck,
That's been going through my head for hours.
wg,
Why is it always about color with you?
jazz,
Is there a pill that he can take?
puss,
We are classy girls. I thought that was clear by now.
hello,
I'm going to suggest that she leave out "little fellow".
nolff,
Al Gore wears a Hefty.
tallulah,
It's not the size of the Hefty sack, it's what you put in it and whether or not it will rip.
OMG, so funny. I think I like Moronda.
Well, for you, I'll be chicken free. Unless you mind if I eat some Chick Fil-A during sex?
"My friends are beautiful, not literate" Damn...I almost peed my pants!
Sounds like you need to buy your friend a gift...a stock of those LITTLE latex finger guards
I equate emotionally damaged men to women with low self esteem. They make for easy marks for someone looking to get some nooky. It becomes a temporary clown fish - anemone symbiotic relationship. Everybody gets what they want. Attention for the low self esteem/emotionally damaged, nooky for the other.
mindy,
Aren't you from my hometown? You may know Moronda.
Thanks for coming by.
av,
I love Chick Fil-A. I get the chicken salad sandwich and diet lemonade.
tera,
I am the smart one of my friends. I am not the ugly one. We leave her at home.
furious,
My self esteem just plummeted from your comment.
I've been in this situation. The only way I could convince the man to scale down was by telling him I was going to use a female condom instead and pulling out a freezer bad. He got the hint.
susan,
Freezer burn is bad.
She should buy the small kind. He'll take the hint.
-N
The regular-sized condoms tend to hurt me and just end up peeling off but I don't have the balls to mosey up to the CVS counter with my three bottles of wine and a box of those bad boys.
Anyway, her name is "Moronda." Really? Seriously?
Perhaps intimidated would have been a better choice of words.
wasn't me. That's all i gotta say.
Wasn't me.
What a public service you provide. So many people find it hard to actually go out and change the world. Activism starts at home. Clearly.
natalia,
She'll have to fill out a reimbursement form. That's like paying for sex.
matt,
I may have substituted a vowel.
michael,
Intimidation isn't as fun as it sounds.
kiyotoe,
Prove it.
booda,
Very few people notice that I am such a giving individual. Thanks.
Let me ask you: is Moronda a pseudonym that you created for this post? If not, does Moronda's parents know by now that they named her "of the moron"?
Yeah, I hate being intimidated. But, that's what really attractive women do to me. It's like I have to learn the English language all over again when I'm near them. They just think I have a learning problem, so it all works out.
fringes,
I have called her Moronda for years. She just thinks I have an accent.
michael,
Give me all your lunch money.
Have Moronda tell him the truth otherwise the road will lead to her becoming a bag lady.
That's what I get for sharing...I brought my lunch today, but you can have it.
methe,
She would be a cute bag lady.
michael,
Perfect. I hope there are cookies.
Yes ma'am.
Condoms are for the timid.
I had sex once with a pinky sized wee-wee. It was sad.Pinky came - I didn't.
michael,
And a Capri Sun.
scotts,
Great pick up line.
jali,
I'm glad that you feel comfortable sharing this here. It's a safe place that I provide.
i'd never be so cruel as to name my child moron-duh.
You and your friends do speak of pressing matters.
Post-consumer recycled men! snort!
Ok. Actually, I have those for the twins, but it's essentially taking candy from a baby or babies.
" She wanted to know if it is appropriate for her to tell a man with a little penis that it is entirely unnecessary for him to wear a Magnum condom."
We already know. Some just don't want to admit it.
I believe in recycling and re-sleeping with my ex all the time. It makes everything so much simpler.
Hey, how come I'm not on your sidebar? You're giving me a complex.
There are very few of us guys who actually need to use the Magnum. Their sales are driven by men who think that they'll impress someone with them, when really, they're just making things so much worse.
As for the recycling, I'm in the midst of reusing an old relationship. Don't know if it's for the best, but if it helps Mother Earth, then I'll do it.
I hope he never gets wind of XL Magnums.
I always thought extra space was good?
maximo,
Her parents are lovely folks. I think they're out of prison now.
edgy,
We are activists.
michael,
I've tried to take candy from a baby. It was all sticky and covered in carpet fibers. I gave it back to her when her father wasn't looking.
nwjr,
Why keep up the charade?
curiosity,
Thanks for the reminder. I'll update my link in a moment.
flenker,
It helps Mother Earth. It also keeps people from spreading their damage elsewhere.
zen,
Do they really make XLs?
britt,
In a condo or closet, yes.
Moronda should learn about disposable boyfriends. Teeny-peeny? Use him then loose him, that's all I'm sayin.
stacy,
Teeny Peeny? That's adorable.
Having children touch any food before I do has been a great dietary tool.
michael,
I can only imagine.
I never understood guys buying Magnum-sized condoms when they're not Magnum-sized themselves. wearing a huge condom makes the dick look SMALLER; right? Kinda like putting a pencil in a tube sock.
miztris,
Your logic is flawless. I am going to start wearing really small bras to make my boobs look bigger.
Maybe that's why I eat so much at work. Then, only 4-5 cooks and waitresses have touched it...
anyways... why does she make him wear a condom?
michael,
I once saw a parent eat a Cheerio that had dried to the face of a toddler. Clearly, when you have children, you lose all concern as to where your food has been.
maximo,
Beats me, Maximo. Have I told you about my latex allergy?
HAHAHAHA!!! Oh my goodness, Mist! LOL! You seriously got me laughing while reading this particular post!
I was once discussing this matter with a girlfriend of mine and she mentioned that this one guy she was sleeping with had the same problem as Moronda's tiny wee wee dude...Only that the condom was LOST after the transaction was made! The condom was way too big for Mr. Peanut that they couldn't find it afterward. LOL!
chrissy,
Another girlfriend of mine had the same thing happen the first time she had sex with a guy. She couldn't reach it and had to ask him to help. I would die first. Plus, I have tweezers in my purse. You can never be too careful.
"He can't bust and neither can I." I think I'll use that sentence in my next grammar exercise on conjunctions.
Why do these teeny guys buy Magnum condoms?! It's like my buying a C cup bra... I sooo can't fill it and I wouldn't be fooling anybody! These men need to get over their penile Napolean complexes and wear what fits.
I had a lot of emotional baggage but the airline lost it.
i don't think i know of your latex allergy. have i told you about my cat allergy?
LOL ;o)
OMG
The dredded "siZe" issue...
GAWD someone tell the poor kid. He probably doesn't "get that it's the wrong size"...Just sayin'
Sincerly,
Monica L.
Well, if she ever tells him that he has a small wee-wee, he'll never get it up again...well for her anyway. You know Mist, men come in four sizes:
Small
Medium
Large; and
Oh My God
I prefer #4. :)
You asking or you just doubting? There's a difference. ;)
Are you sure her name isn't Miranda?
You have the right to a guy with a bigger penis. You have the right to a vibrator. If you cannot afford a good vibrator, one will be provided for you.
Do you stick your used men in teh dumpster or leave them on the curbside to be picked up and recycled?
I think she should tell him in a kind and non-threatening way. But I cannot think of any way to break it to him gently (apart from taking the excess and tying a knot in it) so she should just tell him and maybe then he'll understand why she laughs so much.
I feel sorry for your friends. Really sorry.
I could suggest her hinting that maybe the condom is incomfortable, that he needs to get another brand (they she goes with him and buy she XXXS he deserves).
But fuck it !
How is the guy ? More than 15 I assume. Well, he should have mesured his thing long time ago and realized that he just wasn't deserving a XXL. Period.
Sorry. I'm usually more diplomatic than that, but it's raining outside and I ran out of cigarette. I'm a nice lady otherwise... ;)
I've never tried one on, but I am curious how big they really are. I mean, the normal ones can stretch quite a bit right?
lmao
That is right, her friends are beautiful, but darn it I can't read cause I might just know the man she is using the garbage bag with so that I may suggest to him in a nice way that 1 your penis is to small to feel, and 2 do not smoke it will make NOT GET errections later in life...which I always like to throw in for free!!!
nance,
She is a verbal genius.
velvet,
That's my point exactly.
hearts,
I hate when that happens. They can't compensate you for that.
maximo,
That's too bad.
super,
Me too.
kiyotoe,
I'm just asking.
uncivil,
I like your Moronda rights.
grunt,
Curbside. Sometimes in a cardboard box on the side of the highway.
zhu,
I feel sorrier for my enemies.
todd,
I can't believe you're asking me about condom fit.
nofear,
So was Moronda.
tellin,
Damn. I've got to quit smoking.
She believes in recycling men that she has already slept with.
Oh, my.
When he starts buying plastic wrap and rubber bands in bulk I'll start worrying.
maximo,
I'm sure they do.
orhan,
I'll be worried when he starts buying aluminum foil.
It's a shame to pollute the environment with all that extra latex. Perhaps she should inform him that she's really concerned about the environment and wants to do her part by trimming down on the amount of latex she uses in her life time.
silver,
That is beautiful.
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