To Go
Where I live, bartenders end the evening by saying, "I'll close out the tab," or "I'll call you a cab," or even "hey, your friend's puking." In New Orleans, bartenders ask if they can pour me a drink to go. Drinks to go are irresistible. I cannot refuse the opportunity to clumsily walk up and down the French Quarter juggling my purse (red, adorable), shopping bags, my cell phone and camera, and a cocktail in a plastic cup.The bartender in the hotel was a petite man in a horrible shirt with embroidered guitars. He wore cheap boots and his accent changed with every round of drinks. But, he called me Darlin' and I was able to overlook his flaws. His name is Polly. Polly insists that it is Paulie, but he's not in the Mafia and so I opted to call him Polly. He bought a few rounds of drinks for Lisa and me and then offered to be our official New Orleans tour guide. Because we are not the kind of girls who are afraid of being dismembered and fed to alligators in the bayou, we accepted Polly's hospitality. We also accepted drinks to go.
After spending an evening with Polly, I have decided that I have a calling. I am burdened with many responsibilities. I can't remember what any of them are right now, but I am sure that there are plenty. I am here to help men like Polly learn what does not work with a woman.
Polly did not mention my shoes once during the evening. He did not open any doors. Within a few minutes, Polly declared that he could make love to me for two weeks straight only pausing for drinks and cigarettes. He used the phrase, "Homie don't play that" liberally. He said something about falling in love that broke me out in a rash. He made an awkward attempt to kiss me that ended poorly.
I tried to tolerate Polly. He brought us to fantastic bars where he introduced us to bartenders and local musicians. He laughed at my jokes. But, Polly insisted on talking. It was clear that Polly didn't understand the dynamics of our relationship. The roles were to be as follows; Lisa and I were to talk and enjoy cocktails and look pretty and go to the bathroom together while Polly was supposed to run Crown and Cokes and vodka tonics to us. I try to keep things simple.
As Lisa and I were in the midst of a heated debate about feather boas (I am anti-boa, Lisa is pro-boa) Polly interjected a story about his uncle dying. We talked over him as he made no reference to boas, beads or tiaras. He started the story again from the top. I asked how many time his uncle was going to die before I got a lime for my cocktail. Polly stepped back and yelled, "Can Polly finish talking?"
"Polly," I said, "I think Lisa and I already have that part covered."
Polly stepped back and stared at us for a second. He turned on his heel and left the bar leaving me to get my own lime for my cocktail.
He didn't even get a to go drink.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:11 AM
76 Comments:
How funny they want you to leave with the drink. Can they tell you are not from around there? Or are you? Maybe that's why they make your drinks to go? just asking.
Yeah, when someone speaks of themselves in 3rd person, I usually decide it's time to go. I figure there's not enough room in the conversation for 3 people.
Polly likes In Living Color? I want to party with that man.
I love it when people use very old, very lame catch phrases...Or do I?
Welcome home. Did Polly clear the tab before leaving? Or did he stick you with it like you were stuck opening your own door all night.
Did you know that bartenders are sloppy kissers. At least the one i kissed didnt even know when to open his mouth and when to keep is closed.
Polly sounds like Polly was all about Polly and forgot the true reason that he was invited along.
What is this talk of purses and shoes?
Polly was a cracker.
This was a good story, but I want to hear more about your shoes.
No, wait... that sounded kind of gay...
Ok, I got it: I meant to say that I want to take you shopping for shoes. There. Did I do it right? I'm not very good at this, but I'm willing to learn.
I think its time to dump polly
Travelling vodkas.
The best drinks. Ever.
Some men just don't know their place! How very dare he leave without getting you a drink!
"Homie don't play that"
I have no idea what that even means. Is it English?
Puss
PS Boas are always about context. Tiaras, on the other hand, should be unbiquitous.
(Homie don't play that!)
P.S. Instinctively, I just had to.
I, too, am anti-boa. Boas are a blight on society.
Girl, you and Lisa got your entire trip covered. Way to go.
Polly's gotta get himself some cracker.
I'm a little curious as to what degree his odds of the kiss attempt being successful would have increased had he mentioned the shoes and purse throughout the night.
So, your saying he was a winner...
you lucky anti-boa girl, how come I can't find such winners here in the desert?
At least you still had the alcohol...
Are you kidding me?
Here you had this perfect setup. A guy named Polly, flirting heavily with a gorgeous black woman, and you couldn't end it by figuring out that Polly doesn't know how to treat the woman of color correctly, and then say to him:
"Maybe, instead, Polly wants a Cracker?"
And I thought Polly would have been able to score with the ladies because of the free drinks despite his lack of charm and common sense to swoon the ladies over.
What the hell was Polly doing talking about his dead uncle when he could have been admiring your shoes.
Priorities Polly, priorities!
Polly Polly, how could you screw that up? I applaud your mission however and efforts however.
Wow, the nerve of Polly! ;) New Orleans sounds like my kind of place, must check it out soon.
pool,
It is actually illegal to walk through the French Quarter without a beverage in your hand.
michael,
Mist does not like it when people talk about themselves in third person. She has to ignore them.
todd,
I think he was stuck in a time warp.
churlita,
I bet he has a tee shirt collection with those phrases on them.
fringes,
The drinks were on Polly. The doors were on us.
misstress,
Polly kissed my hair. My hair didn't tell me if he was a good kisser or not.
kentucky,
"All about Polly" was tattooed on his arm. Okay, it wasn't, but it should have been.
hearts,
I confess that several of those jokes came out during the evening. Many people were offended.
capt. smack,
Black. Strappy. Clunky wooden wedge heel. Oh, you should see these shoes. Do you open doors? Call me about shopping.
shadow,
Poor Polly. He had the chance to keep buying us drinks.
nomes,
Why are my local police officers so uptight? I adore the traveling vodka.
akelamalu,
Honestly. I am still feeling a little upset about the whole thing.
puss,
You have the advantage of not knowing much about early 90s American TV. Consider yourself lucky.
orhan,
That's what everyone thinks at first, but pretty soon, you've started a tab. I'll smile and look pretty next to you in exchange.
fab,
I just think that girls walking around in posses wearing boas look like a flock of drunken birds.
curiosity,
Lisa and I managed to get much of the trip covered. We also managed to leave most places before we got thrown out.
peter,
There is a direct correlation between noting my shoes and whether or not my tongue is going to get shoved down your throat.
tellin,
I will send Polly and his friends your way.
av,
I did try to push him off on Lisa, but Polly did not want a cracker.
venge,
Free drinks mean nothing if you talk over me.
jazz,
I would have been sympathetic if he had mentioned his uncle's shoes.
wreck,
I'm sure he's still all torn up about it.
karma,
You simply must go. Always get a to go cup.
OMG dresses and sexy shoes.
I like how there are people puking in the streets. It gives the city character.
I'm really anti-boa. My cat is very pro boa, however...
Michael C wants to know how one would take about themselves in 4th person...or 3rd person past tense. Although Michael hates it when people are tense.
Michael C obviously meant 'talk' not take. Michael is not on the take from anyone...
I'm pro boa...until about the age of 5. That's where it needs to stop.
I just knew you were an inspirational speaker.
Maybe you'll send Polly a little reading material? A little pocket guide? A Power Point presentation?
Third person referencing is a sure fire way to make panties shoot off the ladies.
I am pro-boa - I have a few at home to go along with my beads and tiaras.
I found the drinks to go to be the best thing about N.O. Or maybe it was that all of them were triples?
And I MUST comment on the fact that all the bars have hosts just to keep the party going. Maybe if we had that up here I'd still be clubbing it...
is anti-boa (constricter) related to uncle monty (python)?
tsk, tsk. leading that poor man on when all you wanted was a tour guide and a man-servant.
been there, done that, got the psychological scars to prove it.
btw, where did you dig up that picture of lee j. cobb?
Thanks mist1 I could use a man that talks in 3rd person..I think..I ummm don't even know what 3rd person is so I probably will not mind polly althought I would want to give him a cracker...darn
I'm anti-boa, as well. And I can't STAND when people talk about themselves in 3rd person.
You really expect a lot from your men, don't you?
Don't worry. You're still young and hopefull. All of those high expectations will fall by the wayside soon and the men in your life will be much happier for it.
Trust me. I work for the government.
I'm just disappointed that you passed up such an awesome opportunity for humor.
nolff,
If puking builds character, I have a lot of character.
cg,
I thought my cat would be pro-boa, but when Lisa brought her boa over, the cat ran away.
michael,
Mist is confused by all of the dimensions of tense that you mentioned. Mist does not mind tense. She does not like tents.
tug,
Many people have a boa relapse in their twenties or if they are getting married or traveling to New Orleans.
booda,
I wish I had gotten his email address. I'd email this post to him.
furious,
If only we had been wearing panties.
p of u,
You are the Yin to my Yang when it comes to accessories. I fear people who wear boas and beads and tiaras.
methe,
I think they're divorced.
bob,
Lee and Paulie Walnuts look a lot alike.
tellin,
You're completely welcome. I am a giving person. Polly won't bother you until that whole "Can Polly talk" thing comes out of his mouth. Then, you'll want to put a Voodoo hex on him too.
kevin,
I think that you could pull off a boa. You have the shoulders for it.
miss,
I insist on maintaining my high standards. In return, I will be my charming self.
av,
Polly was disappointed too. I bet he was even more disappointed when he found out that Lisa stole his lighter.
Clearly you didn't go over the 'no talking, just order me a drink' rule.
My daughter thinks boas are fantastic, but then, she still likes her little heels that have Snow White on the toe.
1,
Breaking in a newbie is so difficult. I feel for you. Really I do.
Why do people speak about themselves in the third person? It creeps me out.
IT CREEPS NATALIA OUT!!!!
-N
Hi Misty -- I'm glad you're back with a good story. You are a heads-up young lady to be still in one piece!
That's nice too that you are anti-boas, what is your hangup about tiaras?
I fear ladies who are taller than me when we are alone together in an elevator.
..
In my defence, I don't generally wear them all at once! :)
ctw,
I thought my incessant chatter and drinking was self explanatory.
sqt,
Do those come in a 6.5?
0,
I had to rest most of the next day to get over it.
natalia,
It creeps Mist out too.
jim,
I've got lots of stories from the trip. I only hope no one documented us on film. Tiaras compete with my hair for attention. My hair does not like competition.
p of u,
Wise. One doesn't want to over accessorize.
He used the phrase, "Homie don't play that" liberally
Polly should be put to death for that.
Next time maybe you should just rent an annoying parrot and call it a day.
Somehow I knew you weren't the kind of girl to be afraid of alligators and the bayou.
Yep, like I said yesterday...Polly is a bird. Boring at that too. Bye Polly!
okay, back to the purse: clutch or strap? patent leather? designer or knock-off? do you know how many red purses i've had? give me the deets, mist. it's all i have.
sigh... i am back in podunk. i am officially a cracker again. oh noooooo.
smiles, bee
capt. corky,
I don't put people to death. Too messy.
lee,
I am afraid of more rational things like if the humidity is going to make my hair frizzy.
comedy,
My mom used to tell me that birds carried diseases. I guess it's a good thing Polly stormed out.
nance,
You should see the lining. Really, I bought it just because it makes me happy every time I look inside of it. Also, there is a handy magnet closure which my bangles stick to every time I dig my hand in there for a lip gloss.
bee,
I don't have any crackers. I do have salted pumpkin seeds to snack on.
That's one of the best things about New Orleans....you can drink on the street like a bum. No paper bag needed.
Me thinks Polly needs a lesson in women. ALWAYS compliment a woman's shoes and NEVER mention dead uncles when a woman is discussing important topics like boas. Duh.
I can't believe that the finest of all bar pick-up lines - "Nice shoes - wanna' fuck?" - had somehow escaped Polly's notice.
Because we are not the kind of girls who are afraid of being dismembered and fed to alligators in the bayou, we accepted Polly's hospitality
Wow! I think I may have found not one, but two girls who might have dated me in college! How freaking cool is that?!
I'm anti-boa, they itch.
tallulah,
I guess I could have told Polly that I was sorry for his loss and stuff and then ask him to get a lime for my cocktail.
his sin,
That line works every time.
dan,
You dated some fearless girls.
debbie,
Sometimes, the feathers get up your nose.
I'm pro-boa...with the right shoes!
Seems like Polly probably only got action in proportion to the drunkenness of his female companions. No wonder he was liberal with the booze. I bet he was pro-boa.
ee,
Probably not loafers.
constance,
His giving ways with drinks was one of his finer points. I'll miss that about Polly.
Paulie...or Polly is a creepy name anyway...so I would have stayed away. Doesn't seem like a real fun guy, he PROBABLY was connected to the mob.
silver,
I knew a girl named Polly when I was a kid. She had a fear that her mouth and eyes would get stuck together. She creeped me out a little bit.
Wow. Polly was buying you the wrong kinds of drinks to overlook "Homie don't play that."
Next time, Polly, go right for the bourbon. Straight up. With a side of Benadryl.
I guess I'd need to know what the feather boas are being used for before I can weigh in with an opinion.
I was on the phone with one of my cheekier girlfriends one evening, and, on impulse, I put an ad up on one of those dating sites that said I was looking for a man that could tame me. I added some lascivious details about myself, and posted the ad, giggled with my friend, and promptly forgot about it.
A bunch of guys who's nicknames began with "Master" answered the ad. They all wanted to take me shopping for shoes.
Odd.
Polly talks in the third person? How irritating.
Why would he bring up a dying relative? Did he want a sympathy root? For two weeks? There's only so long you can give out sympathy sex.
tammy,
Usually, vodka helps me to overlook everything. Polly was too much, even for vodka.
jocelyn,
The boas were used to make girls look ridiculous as they paraded through the French Quarter.
dawn,
I have dated many masters.
phishez,
I am raw just thinking about it.
Polly has a rare talent to give me the creeps long distance. Ew.
Tiara wins over boa every time in my book.
Some men are so dense. I like boas with tiaras, and red glitter sparkle shoes.
"The roles were to be as follows; Lisa and I were to talk and enjoy cocktails and look pretty and go to the bathroom together while Polly was supposed to run Crown and Cokes and vodka tonics to us. I try to keep things simple."
How could Polly not get something as simple as this? And he didn't say one thing about your shoes? What a putz.
velvet,
I'd rather wear beads.
stacy,
One does have to monitor the number of accessories one is wearing.
mojo,
I tried to help, but you know what they say, you can't polish a turd.
I am always late here. dayum i LOVE new orleans. But there would be a very large A carved out of my forehead, or embroidered on my shirt.. and that would stand for?
ALCOHOLIC! an easy town to imbibe for hours? sounds like paradise. for a weekend anyway. even if you have to endure a "polly".
melanie,
I wear the scarlet A as well.
poor polly didn't know what he was getting himself into did he?
kiyotoe,
Please. We made Polly look like a big deal.
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