To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Friday, June 01, 2007

Sorry, Dale Chihuly


I expect people to grieve with me when my luggage gets lost. I want them to understand the gravity of the situation. I give them great detail about the sandals with the rainbow leather heel that are packed snugly away and how I have only worn them one time and I expect them to feel the pain that I feel. I tell them that I have a phobia about my shampoo and conditioner spilling on the inside of my bag and how while this may not be recognized as a mental illness, it is very, very real.

If that fails to gain a suitable emotional reaction, I tell them that my medication is packed in my bag and that it is an extended release prescription and my last dose is due to wear off any moment now. Then, I usually get the look of concern the situation demands.

But, when other people lose their luggage, I expect them to lighten up. "C'mon," I urge them, "let's have a few cocktails. Your bags will turn up. Who's ever heard of luggage disappearing anyway?" I took this approach with Joelle when I picked her up from the airport last. I think she was comforted by my cool, calm demeanor. I pointed out that there was plenty of shopping to be had in the area and that she looked so good in what she was wearing that she could totally wear it again.

We decided to wait in the piano bar in the atrium of the airport until her bags arrived or until last call. I love the piano bar. Drinking at the airport virtually guarantees that I will hold a conversation with someone interesting, or at least strange. We took a seat near a young hippie couple.

Joelle eyed their army drab duffel bags. Mournfully, she said, "they have their luggage." I helpfully suggested that she should travel with hideous luggage and maybe she wouldn't have this problem. Everyone knows that luggage only disappears or gets damaged when it is new or extremely cute. Joelle slumped lower in her seat and glared at the hippies.

The hippies saw Joelle's hostility as an invitation to join us. They had traveled from Eugene, Oregon for an art show. He was a glass blower. She was his girlfriend. Ignoring her, I made slightly sexual comments about blowing glass and other stuff that can be blown. I tried to impress him with my vast knowledge of glass art. The girlfriend turned to me and said, "not vases and sh*t. He makes dildos and butt plugs and bongs and stuff like that."

They invited us to hang out with them that evening. As much as I wanted to check out his dildo creations, I didn't imagine that they shared my preference in hotels. I prefer hotels with running water and they didn't look like they appreciated bathing. I politely declined, telling them that we'd love to but that Joelle had lost her luggage and would have nothing to wear.

The girlfriend turned to Joelle and said, "perfect."


Mist 1


94 Comments:

At 9:10 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Glass dildo?

What is the purpose of a butt plug? I hate it when everybody knows stuff but me.

 
At 9:17 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

I will never understand how some people can see bathing as optional. Perhaps they like the smell of fresh garlic on a hot day or something.

 
At 9:27 PM, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

Hahahahahaha!

 
At 9:51 PM, Blogger 123Valerie said...

I'm sorry ... did you say something?

I'm watcing The Muppets.

 
At 10:27 PM, Blogger The CEO said...

1,
What size butt plugs did he have? And how many did you get?

 
At 11:03 PM, Blogger Lizza said...

You meet the most interesting people, M1.

I'd sure like to see the face of the person who opens your luggage. The sight of all those shoes and floss in a bag must be impressive.

 
At 12:56 AM, Blogger Captain Smack said...

I do not have a vagina, but I do have a fairly vivid imagination, and a glass dildo does not strike me as the most effective sex toy. Especially compared to the new dildos they have out now that wiggle and rotate and vibrate and have that little flap on top for the clit (sorry, I don't mean to be vulgar).

A friend of mine has one of these, and when she showed it to me it scared the crap out of me.

 
At 1:20 AM, Blogger MXI said...

I hate to be the one to correct you Mist, but luggage is never "lost" it is "permanently misplaced".

And dildos, glass or otherwise, are stiff competition for us guys, making it hard to compete! (all puns intended)

 
At 2:10 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

You know, if you have a shower head that does pulses and stuff like that, you could show her a trick or two that would mean she'd NEVER leave the shower again.

I have a boring shower head. I think the fun ones are restricted cuz pretty much all of Oz is in drought.

 
At 2:15 AM, Blogger Vengelyne said...

I hope you got his number. Or at least his website? I'm thinking of distributing his wares in Malaysia and I'll give you a cut if it flies.

P/S: Told you I'm Chinese and we try to make profit from everything.

 
At 2:25 AM, Blogger Killer said...

What is the purpose of a butt plug?!?

That is one product which is pretty much self explanatory.

 
At 2:30 AM, Blogger spoon said...

You should've gone, you might gotten some free stuff from the glassblower, can't turn your nose up at a well-made buttplug.

 
At 3:41 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

I think all hippies are from Eugene, Oregon.

 
At 3:59 AM, Blogger Lonie Polony said...

Dildo-making hippies in a piano bar? Now I've (read about someone who's) seen it all.

 
At 4:04 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

God, those things sell for a fortune over here. What a missed opportunity - you could have secreted at least two examples about your person and flogged them on ebay.

Puss

 
At 4:05 AM, Blogger captain corky said...

"But, when other people lose their luggage, I expect them to lighten up".

Funny post! I think you're the first person I'm going to call if my house ever burns to the ground.
"Don't worry about it Corky, lets go get a belt".

 
At 4:08 AM, Blogger Akelamalu said...

Lost luggage - my worst nightmare! You meet some interesting people Mist. :)

 
At 4:19 AM, Blogger historymike said...

Merely from the standpoint of optimal material selection, is the use of glass in dildos and butt plugs really a wise choice?

When people are in the throes of passion, it seems to me that glass might pose some serious problems.

I'm just sayin'...

 
At 4:27 AM, Blogger Steph said...

I'm way too hard on my dildos to use a glass one. Having it shatter and a million shards of glass splintering in my flange, wouldn't make for a happy ending!!

 
At 4:51 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

At that point, did you down your drink, point out a tree that looked like it was being abused by being inside an airport, and then run?

 
At 4:58 AM, Blogger Michael Thomas said...

Captain Smack,
From what I've been told, the glass works well because it changes temperature quickly and you can alternate dipping it in cold water and hot water during use. The SIGO loved that little experiment, too.

 
At 5:23 AM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

I have a horrible visual of an old woman, sitting in her Lazyboy, watching the Price is Right with her glass dildo collection neatly organized on the shelf above her cat.

I'm sending you my therapist bill.

 
At 6:23 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

Whenever I travel with a butt plug, I carry it with me, ifyouknowwhatImean. I'd hate to have someone else find my luggage and wonder what to do with it.

 
At 6:42 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

I'm pretty sure that a butt plug is used to plug ones butt. I could be reading too much into this.

michael,

I like garlic.

attila,

Joelle wasn't laughing.

123,

The original Muppets? Or the animated Muppet Babies? I didn't like Muppet Babies.

0,

He had to ship most of his stock. Do you have any idea how hard it is to travel with bongs?

lizza,

You just have to talk to people. I am convinced that almost everyone is completely insane.

capt. smack,

Do not be afraid of the vibrator. It will no harm you, unless you misuse it.

mxi,

I permanently misplaced a dildo once.

phishez,

I would be afraid that I would drop a glass dildo in the tub and slice my feet to pieces.

venge,

I did get the website. It was a disappointment.

killer,

How long can one leave a butt plug in before one explodes?

spoon,

I may or may not have acquired a freebie. I'm not telling what I may or may not have done to get one.

fab,

I've never been there. I bathe.

lonie,

The piano bar in my local airport is always crammed full of weirdos. It's the busiest airport in the world, you know.

puss,

He apparently is doing very well in his line of work. He just signed a million dollar contract (the girlfriend rolled his eyes when he said that).

capt. corky,

Good idea. I'm there for you. "Cork, you didn't like any of that stuff anyway. Hey, is it 1/2 price margarita night?"

akelamalu,

I detest lost luggage. I also hate broken luggage.

mike,

But you should see them. They are lovely.

steph,

Put it on your coffee table as a conversation piece.

av,

I don't run from men who make butt plugs. They run from me.

michael,

That's too much like cooking. It sounds like a lot of work.

ctw,

You must not have read the disclaimer. I can't be held responsible for emotional damage.

nwjr,

Glass is nice because it doesn't set off the metal detector.

 
At 6:47 AM, Blogger Natalia said...

My luggage got lost on its way to Greece. I don't expect people to grieve. I expect a free travel voucher! :)

-N

 
At 7:04 AM, Blogger His Sinfulness said...

Glass sex toys are great - in addition to their temperature changing qualities, they are also dishwasher safe.

It's fun to leave one on the top rack when your mom is visiting and offers to help put away the dishes.

 
At 7:05 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

Hippies don't need luggage. They wear the same clothes over and over and don't take baths and smell like tacos and pee. I know this because I saw a hippie couple at the bar.

They was all "I mo take my stink and you take your stink and lets make sweet stink" then they smoked some dank weed and stunk a whole lot more.

My parents didn't take a bath till 1982. They scrub everyday now. I'm proud of them.

 
At 7:15 AM, Blogger Jazz said...

Did her luggage turn up? Or did y'all have to go shopping for shoes?

 
At 7:25 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

Wait, butt plugs aren't art? Learn something new everyday.

 
At 7:35 AM, Blogger Mayren said...

you got lucky getting picked up in an airport bar with people who could have millions of toys onhand.....
or you're unlucky for getting picked up by people who have crazy diseases from picking up people in airport bars

 
At 7:39 AM, Blogger Rice Spice said...

Airports are the best place to meet characters. I once met a guy who showed me his 11th toe. Don't ask how it came to that, but delayed flights bring out the crazy in people, I guess...

 
At 7:43 AM, Blogger Susan said...

I just find it amusing that this guy sits around blowing things into penis shapes all day. I want to know where you sign up for this job.

 
At 7:50 AM, Blogger That's one clever little Yvonne said...

Wow.

 
At 7:51 AM, Blogger Stewart Sternberg said...

You know, there is such a thing as a clean hippy. And Susan, it's better to blow things into a penis shape than to shape...nevermind. I'm hurting just thinking about it.

And regarding lost luggage. If I wanted to get rid of a body, I think I would stuff it into a trunk and drop it off at airport luggage. Years and years later...

 
At 7:51 AM, Blogger Stewart Sternberg said...

You know, there is such a thing as a clean hippy. And Susan, it's better to blow things into a penis shape than to shape...nevermind. I'm hurting just thinking about it.

And regarding lost luggage. If I wanted to get rid of a body, I think I would stuff it into a trunk and drop it off at airport luggage. Years and years later...

 
At 8:07 AM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

are y'all talking about accordions again? sigh...

smiles, bee

 
At 8:27 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

natalia,

You should be able to travel naked with that voucher.

his sin,

After what I left in the spare bedroom at Dad's house, I don't think my parents would be surprised. My Dad has since converted the bedroom into a library so I have to stay in a hotel.

nolff,

I've seen pictures of my parents in their hippie days too. They have come so far.

jazz,

We went shopping even though her luggage was delivered last night.

furious,

The National Endowment for the Arts refused to fund this guy. Can you believe it?

mayren,

I hadn't thought about the ick factor.

rice,

And that is why I love the airport.

susan,

I want to do negotiate the model's contracts.

yvonne,

Come to my airport. It's always fun.

stewart,

That is a brilliant way to dispose of a body.

bee,

A glass accordion is hard to play.

 
At 8:31 AM, Blogger me the other twin said...

who's Dale Chihuly and why are you sorry?

 
At 8:33 AM, Blogger karma lennon said...

I'm pretty sure I know that hippie couple.

 
At 8:48 AM, Blogger jali said...

After a bout with food poisoning, I considered a butt plug.

 
At 8:51 AM, Blogger Debbie said...

Glass dildos are amazing!

 
At 8:52 AM, Blogger Comedy + said...

Okay, what can you do with a glass dildo? Yikes and possibly ouch. So, you want your men bathed and smelling pretty. I can relate. You are so weird Mist, and I mean that in a really good way. Have a great weekend. :)

 
At 8:59 AM, Blogger Alicia said...

I have a glass dildo.
I used it as coffee table art.
Then I had kids... so now it's up in a drawer somewhere.

 
At 9:22 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Unless the glass dildo vibrates, I'm out.

 
At 9:29 AM, Blogger Uncivil said...

That's the best smoke I've had blown up my "glass" ( i mean ass)today!LOL

 
At 9:31 AM, Anonymous themuttprincess said...

So I take it she was not impressed with all your blowing experience/knowledge?

 
At 10:02 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

methe,

Mr. Chihuly is only my favorite glass artist. He wears an eye patch. I would like to know if he makes dildos, but I have too much respect for the man to ask.

karma,

They'll be in town for a few days. I'll tell them you said hello.

jali,

I think you have to have a permit to conceal for that.

debbie,

Do tell us more.

comedy,

I meet an un-bathed couple who make their living crafting items that go in one end or the other of your body and I'm weird? I fail to see how I'm weird here.

alicia,

You don't expect me to believe that your glass dildo got you pregnant, do you?

scotts,

It's in.

uncivil,

That was funny. Thanks.

mutt,

I know. How is that even possible?

 
At 10:15 AM, Blogger melanie said...

could you imagine the look on the techs in ER when one of the hippies creations breaks?

not going to think about it. NOT...

 
At 10:30 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

melanie,

Someone who reads this blog works in the ER and has seen this. Let's just sit and wait for them to comment.

 
At 10:50 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

I lost my luggage on the way home from school one time and they finally located it in Karachi, Pakistan. I hate it when my luggage is better travelled than I am.

 
At 11:24 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

lol!! bongs, huh? hey, you didn't happen to get that guy's number, did ya? ;)

 
At 11:29 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Well, yeah. I figured out where it goes.

But WHY? I just don't get the erotic potential of anuses.

Sorry I mentioned it.

 
At 11:32 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

velvet,

I hate it when my dildo is better traveled than I am.

miztris,

Actually, I may have.

hearts,

I think I'm going to take this opportunity to use my Fifth Amendment Rights.

 
At 11:42 AM, Blogger maximo said...

i have a project for the dude: glass dildo chess set.

 
At 12:33 PM, Blogger My Reflecting Pool said...

shit, that couldn't have gone more wrong than if you had made this up!!!

 
At 12:40 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

maximo,

I'm still paying off the Franklin Mint for my Civil War chess set.

pool,

Actually, this one did go more wrong. I had to make some choice edits. Joelle has a reputation to think of.

 
At 12:44 PM, Blogger Spellbound said...

Having been good friends with a doctor who worked in the ER I think the couple might be doing the world a service. You would be absolutely astounded at the inappropriate things people will try to put into bodily orifices and then either break or be unable to extract. I have seen the x-rays.

 
At 12:45 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

spell,

Been there.

 
At 1:43 PM, Blogger Tera said...

A glass dildo? Uh...is that an oxymoron in a 3rd cousin twice-removed sort of way???

 
At 2:22 PM, Anonymous Dawn said...

I wonder what that guy's business cards look like?

 
At 2:42 PM, Blogger Kevin said...

My wife doesn't like the glass dildo. She says it's way too rigid and hurts if you even slightly change the angle.

 
At 2:58 PM, Blogger ~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

clothing talk does kind of go over hippies heads.

And did that guy really make glass dildos...I seriously would be scared to try one.

Thanks for reminding me about by hellish ordeal of losing my luggage though. I was 12, first time traveling alone. I think that the lost luggage (though, it did arrive unharmed to my aunt's house a few hours later) was a good indication that the holiday down south was going to be a hellish ordeal.

 
At 6:07 PM, Blogger Liz said...

My favorite part of reading your story is imagining that the hippie chick was UPSET that you thought her husband made vases. Even though it didn't happen this way, I like to think that she wigged out and tried to shank you with a half-broken glass dildo. In my retelling of this story, you are running through the airport in very stylish clicky sandals while a woman dressed like Stevie Nicks chases after you, manicly screaming and broken glass dildo held high.

 
At 6:43 PM, Anonymous tom said...

I love airport bars too, I always seem to meet people from Texas no matter where I am....weird!

 
At 7:21 PM, Blogger Jim said...

Well, Misty, were these guys interesting or strange?
I have a soft spot for the Hippies, I came close to being one once.
I had long hair, rode a motorcycle, took a bath now and then, hung out under the bridges in downtown Houston and rode to a lot of 'concerts' in the parks.
Most any tree had a group playing to a bunch of us, there were maybe 25 groups in quite a few parks on Sundays. I picked and chose.
..

 
At 8:47 PM, Blogger Blonde Ambition said...

Every time I travel I have the fear of someone taking my luggage or it getting lost. Hundreds (maybe thousands) worth of clothes, accessories and SHOES in the hands of someone that does not appreciate the art of fashion. What a nightmare!

 
At 10:56 PM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

I will admit to owning one or two of them. But I don't use them that often. They can be a tad cold. Though the sensation as they warm up...

FANTASTIC!

 
At 4:13 AM, Blogger jos said...

glass dildo. now that's something new (for me at least).

you sure meet a lot interesting/strange people..

 
At 6:04 AM, Blogger The Freelance Cynic said...

Glass butt plug? Sounds like some very careful techniue....
The shampoo thing worries me too..

 
At 6:14 AM, Blogger Stacy said...

dirty freakin hippies
we know you come from better stock than that!

 
At 6:29 AM, Blogger K said...

when i was traveling to massachusetts i ran into a couple that threw swingers' parties.

of course i had to take down their phone number, for um, my friend. right.

 
At 6:48 AM, Blogger WNG said...

Mist! My mis(t)adventures all last weekend made me think of you- check it out if you get a chance...

sorry...no hippies...

 
At 6:50 AM, Blogger Malnurtured Snay said...

That would've been one lucky guy!

 
At 7:49 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

tera,

I made out with my 3rd cousin twice removed...or maybe it was my glass dildo. I can't remember.

dawn,

It looked like a bottle of lube.

kevin,

But, how do you feel about it.

silver,

The next time you want to have a horrific holiday in the South, call me.

liz,

I like your version better too. I'm telling it like that from now on.

tom,

They are everywhere.

jim,

I have a soft spot for hippies too. I'm glad my dad cut his hair.

blonde,

That's my nightmare too. Also, I have nightmares about my teeth falling out, but I'm working on that in therapy.

phishez,

Hmmmm. Really?

jos,

I really do.

cynic,

Shampoo worried the hippies too.

stacy,

I have the papers to prove it.

k,

I'm sure.

wng,

Was I there? Did I look okay? I don't remember being there.

mal,

Lucky and yet still very dirty.

 
At 9:20 AM, Blogger Uncivil said...

Dale Chihuly sort looks like an old hippie. I wonder if that's how he got his start? What's up with the eye patch? Can't he make himself a glass eye or something?

 
At 9:42 AM, Anonymous Karmyn R said...

heh heh heh - I've seen this couple you speak of. (I only live 50 miles from Eugene) I still don't know what a butt plug is.

 
At 11:16 AM, Blogger Chrissy121875 said...

LOL!!! OMG, Mist!!! Have you ever considered taking a video camera with you on your outdoor adventures? I'm sure you'd capture the most interesting scenarios and conversations! LOL!!!

PS. I never understood the appeal of butt plugs! Why would one want to be "anally retentive"? LOL! That's just my opinion though.....
I did have a friend in college who swore by them though. For this friend of mine, butt plugs, and Vivid Videos = the perfect date.

 
At 11:48 AM, Anonymous Perry said...

Last week on the way back from Phoenix someone actually unscrewed my shampoo in my luggage to make sure it wasn't liquid explosives or whatever. By the time I got it, it looked like someone had jerked off a horse in my suitcase. Next time I travel I'm bringing an unnecessary suitcase packed with rags and a shampoo bottle of my urine, and a note that says, "I bet you can't smell the difference between shampoo and liquid explosives."

 
At 12:19 PM, Blogger Nance said...

The fact that someone might get pointed to your post by Googling "Dale Chihuly" or "Eugene, Oregon" makes me incredibly happy.

 
At 8:14 PM, Blogger Gucci Muse said...

God knows the cleanliness of their sex toys-blech

 
At 1:40 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Thank God I don't travel.

 
At 9:17 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

uncivil,

I have a thing for men in eye patches. He did make a glass eye, but it was so beautiful that people were always offering to buy it from him.

karmyn,

Just ask them what a butt plug is, I'm sure they'd be more than happy to fill you in, so to speak.

chrissy,

I always have my camera in my purse, but usually, I'm so engrossed in the weirdness that I forget to video anything.

perry,

Dear G*d, that really made me laugh. I hate TSA.

nance,

Me too, Nance. I always feel bad for folks when they have a legitimate interest and they end up here. Also, I like using the word folks. It makes me feel more Southern.

gucci,

When you party with hippies, bring your own toys.

orhan,

We need to get you out more. I'll meet you at the piano bar.

 
At 1:48 PM, Blogger Sornie said...

I am surprised -- hippies in Oregon, that's news to me... it's about as shocking as finding a luau in Hawaii.

 
At 1:49 PM, Blogger Sornie said...

And as far as a glass butt plug goes, what if it broke? I can't imagine explaining that in the E.R.

 
At 2:38 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

sornie,

I find that lots of household items are hard to explain in the ER.

 
At 8:16 PM, Blogger James Burnett said...

that no-bathing thing is a deal breaker. His dildos (why does that word make me blush like i'm 12?) were probably grimey.

and that lost luggage thing sucks. mine was lost once - i was on the way home for a surprise ceremony for my parents' 35th anniversary. and the bag with my tux in it was lost. i had just bought that damned tux too.

 
At 8:28 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

james,

I'm just impressed that you bought a tux. You are a classy guy.

 
At 8:56 PM, Blogger notfearingchange said...

Always pack in your purse or carry on the following
1. Two pairs of clean underwear.
2. Small jar of facial cleanser and moisturizer.
3. toothbrush.
4. 1 pair of socks unless you are carrying sandals.
5. 1 eyeliner
6. 1 mascara
7. 1 lip gloss...

I have lost my luggage EVERYWHERE in the world now....this is what i have learned....

 
At 9:55 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nofear,

I pack light. No underwear, no socks. Extra floss.

 
At 6:07 AM, Blogger tallulah said...

We have been considering moving to Eugene. I think you officially sealed the deal!

 
At 6:59 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

tallulah,

You will love the people. Dirty folks, but lovely on the inside.

 
At 8:14 AM, Blogger notfearingchange said...

Mist - No socks? What if you were going to an area with snow?

 
At 8:58 AM, Anonymous sunchaser said...

they didn't look like they appreciated bathing" Haha!

Like your site. Do you lose your luggage very often? I travel frequently, and my luggage has never been lost. I guess I should consider myself lucky (or maybe it's that my luggage isn't cute enough to get lost? :)

 
At 6:30 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nofear,

I just don't like socks. I like fishnets.

sunchaser,

Now that you have commented about your luggage never getting lost, it is sure to happen.

 

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