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Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Friday, November 24, 2006

Squirrel Cop


I invited myself to Sandra's house for Thanksgiving. I find that it's best to crash these sort of events so that I'm not expected to bring anything. Just in case, I brought a pack of gum to share.

Sandra has this party every year. The invitees are all people without family members in town. This year, there was a man named Kevin who called himself an orphan. It seems that his parents are dead. I would have comforted him, but he was a mouth breather. Instead, I told him about the production of Annie that I was in when I was ten. He leaned in for a hug.

I needed a drink. Unfortunately, the crew on alcohol detail hadn't arrived. I slipped off to the bathroom for a few Scope shots before rejoining the other guests. Sandra buys wintergreen mouthwash. I prefer the orange flavored variety, but I was in a pinch.

I volunteered to help in the kitchen so that I wouldn't have to participate in the discussion in the living room which was why humans don't just have one ear in the middle of the face and something about feudalism. Sandra put me in charge of the microwave because it has no sharp edges, thereby reducing my risk of injury. My job was to reheat a sweet potato and marshmallow dish that she had prepared in advance. I put it in for ten minutes and backed away from the microwave. I have an irrational fear of radiation. Sandra has a very advanced microwave. It has a convection oven setting. Apparently, the term "convection" means "warp speed." When I opened the microwave, the marshmallow concoction had been replaced with a Goodyear tire.

Sandra sent me upstairs to find the gravy boat. While I was searching a closet, I heard a noise. A scratching rodent-like noise coming from directly above my head. I looked up and stared into the face of a squirrel. A man-eating squirrel. With fangs. And venom. I screamed.

Quickly, all of the guests were upstairs. The squirrel was trapped in the closet, paralyzed with fear. Then, it disappeared into a hole where a light fixture should have been. Sandra screamed. She had a look on her face that told me that she was considering how she was ever going to sleep in a house with a squirrel on the loose. "You can stay with me," I offered. She screamed again.

She called 911. Within moments, a squad car arrived. We explained the situation and brought the officer upstairs. He shined his flashlight in the hole. He scientifically pressed his ear to the wall. "It's in there," he said, motioning to the wall. Sandra panicked and insisted that he Do Something.

The officer nodded and asked, "Ma'am, do you mind a hole in your wall?"

He unholstered his gun.

Next year, we are meeting at a Chinese restaurant.

Mist 1


70 Comments:

At 9:29 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

In other words, next year you'll be eating the squirrel.

 
At 11:04 PM, Blogger Killer said...

You say you live in Georgia...You could just eat the squirrel next year for Thanksgiving.

 
At 11:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, did you have the squirrel too in addition to marshmallow and sweet potato?

 
At 11:29 PM, Blogger Umar Pirzada said...

hahaha...scared of a squirrel...? There are people in this world who eat em...and few of them maybe CHINESE....the Chinese restaurant maybe a FLOP too...

But at least there was more funny in that post than sad...thats more like it...

 
At 12:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know most squirels are rather friend but then again they are rather diease ridden...

 
At 2:49 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

You actually think a Chinese resturant is going to be safer. Did you not catch my article on the great Chinese delicacy any-animal penis?!

 
At 3:49 AM, Anonymous rose said...

When is thanksgiving? (I know, now, but when is the actual date? or is it like Easter and the last saturday in November or something?). Do you all get the day off in America for Thanksgiving? You b*stards!! :-)

I think the thing to do with that kind of party is take a water bottle with you but fill it full of vodka or something. Fortunately I don;t go to many parties where there isn't already a bar there.

 
At 4:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awww, an animal interest story, how sweet.

Vince

 
At 5:33 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

I hear they serve squirrel...

 
At 5:36 AM, Blogger Nattie said...

good call on the plans for next year :D

 
At 6:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So ya ate squirrel????? OMG!
Peace

Happy Belated Thanksgiving to you and yours!

 
At 7:01 AM, Anonymous Dallas DysFUNction said...

Currently I'm in South Texas in the middle of nowhere (population: me & my family) surrounded by nature. Please help.

 
At 7:06 AM, Blogger fringes said...

Fantastic story. As much as I enjoyed dinner with my family yesterday, I am most happily back here reading your blog.

Did the squirrel-shooting cop look very much like Michael Rappaport?

 
At 7:19 AM, Anonymous mailman said...

"the discussion in the living room which was why humans don't just have one ear in the middle of the face and something about feudalism."

Hahahaaa!! This and the mouthwash bit had me in stitches.

Say... I've heard before about this halloween party concept (people that have no relatives in town). They wouldn't happen to be from, uh, the internet, would they?

 
At 7:22 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Was the Goodyear tyre tasty?

Should've microwaved the squirrel... Actually, I saw a clip from an American TV cookery show. The featured recipe was 'Squirrel Melt'. I kid you not.

Puss

 
At 8:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Poor little squirrel! And all he wanted was a slice of your gum.

And thanks alot for making guests like me, who don't even bring gum, look bad!

 
At 8:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You do live in the Dirty South! Who got the squirrel as a treat?

 
At 8:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nothing like squirrel brains on the back wall to truly ring in Thanksgiving. ;)

Steve~

 
At 9:08 AM, Blogger STAK said...

i have a great deal of experience in close encounters of the squirrel kind.........perhaps i will share my story at length on my blog......rest assured, it involves chocolate,fur and lots of my blood......squirrel teeth meet in the middle........

 
At 9:51 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

crank,

With oyster stuffing.

killer,

I hope Sandra finds the gravy boat.

lizza,

I skipped the sweet potato marshmallow tire.

umar,

I am developing a complex about my humor vs. sadness. Must talk to my shrink.

shadow,

And that, is the biggest problem with squirrels. They can be disease ridden, but the friendly factor makes them scary.

orhan,

But, I like penis.

rose,

I have no idea when Thanksgiving is. I thought it was next week. Imagine my surprise.

vince,

I love animals. Especially steak.

wg,

As long as I can't recognize it, I'll eat it.

odat,

Tastes like turkey.

dallas,

I'm not falling for your cry for help. Y'all just want my squirrel jerky.

fringes,

The cop was kinda hot actually in that big dumb I've got a gun sort of way.

mailman,

That was the best part of the evening. Next year you can be my date. Was that too forward?

dan,

I stopped at the gas station on the way. I am thoughtful.

claudia,

We fought over the sqirrel, but in the end Kevin and his whiny orphan self got to take home the prize.

steven,

If only the cop had good aim.

stak,

You simply must post this story.

 
At 10:04 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

Skipped you...sorry. I am concerned about the American TV shows that are being broadcast abroad. We can't risk you all seeing us like that. I mean, pretty soon, you guys won't think we're the greatest country on earth. You do still think that, right?

 
At 10:12 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

My cat caught a mouse this morning. The dog catches squirrels outside, so I think we're covered all the way around.

I feel much safer now.

 
At 10:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Squirrel? Lucky you. We only had turkey.

 
At 10:26 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nwjr,

I'll buy Sandra a few pets. That will make her happy.

velvet,

Jealous much?

 
At 10:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Sorry, still laughing too hard to comment

 
At 10:33 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Take your time. Laughing is good exercise. You will have abs of steel in no time.

 
At 11:00 AM, Blogger STAK said...

posted........lemme know what you think........

 
At 11:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. Your Thanksgiving was SO much better than mine.

 
At 11:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Someone should have taken a picture of the fanged, venom spewing squirrel!

 
At 12:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh, no the poor squirrel...is kevin going to love him and squeeze him and name him George?

 
At 1:02 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

stak,

I'm coming over. I love it when people do requests.

karma,

Nobody had holes shot in the walls? Really?

skittles,

I am not quick in times of crisis.

claudia,

He did that with the baby bumble bee. It didn't end well.

 
At 1:12 PM, Blogger C said...

That's exciting. Shooting and uniformed men - holes in walls - convection - I am going to need some tissue.

 
At 1:30 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

c,

Well, when you describe it like that, it does sound glamourous. I feel so Hollywood.

 
At 1:33 PM, Blogger Darlene said...

maybe he was an orphan too. Geez, when I read it 1st, I thought it was your friend's pet that she locked in the closet. - I think you would do best in the "no-duties" department when you crash dinner parties.

 
At 1:43 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

darlene,

Sandra used to keep her husband in the closet. But then they got divorced and he came out.

 
At 2:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Next time you see a cute little squirrel you might keep this in mind:

http://shanesblog-o-sphere.blogspot.com/2006/10/new-study-proves-color-is-98-smell.html

 
At 5:02 PM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

I have decided that I'm either going out to eat next Thanksgiving or having it catered.

Boo to squirrels in closets. :(

 
At 5:07 PM, Anonymous Alison said...

I was going to leave a comment to this post, but your comment about Sandra's husband made me laugh, and I forgot what I was going to say.

 
At 7:38 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

You might have a future as a crematorium attendant since you're so good with connective tissue.

 
At 9:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I always bring a bottle of wine I enjoy drinking to every house event/party or gathering. The people on alcohol duty are never to be trusted.

Seriously, how did you handle the situation on scope alone?????

 
At 9:17 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

anon,

I am afraid of children and squirrels. That link only furthers my fears.

pissy,

I vote for catering.

alison,

Poor Sandra. We tried to warn her.

hearts,

Do you know my strong aversion for all things gummy or are you just really, really good at making me retch?

olives,

I might have forgot to mention the Isopropyl.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 10:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahhhh, the holidays. Don't they always end up so warm and fuzzy. I wonder how squirrel tastes...

 
At 10:35 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

I like the dark meat.

 
At 11:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was at a conference the other day and sat beside a mouth breathing, pen clicking, pocket protector wearing loser who made me want to grab a gun. Sadly, there were no squirrels involved.
Scope - good in a pinch...listerine has higher alcohol content though.

 
At 1:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fucking hilarious! Chinese is a good plan. Thanks for the advice on my blog :)

 
At 2:17 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

a. whore,

Listerine is so hard to drink without a mixer.

chris,

I am always available for unsolicited advice.

 
At 6:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

interesting blog. Have a dirty night!

 
At 6:59 PM, Blogger Karmyn R said...

That story reminded me of Lampoon's Christmas Vacation when the squirrel came inside on the tree....

 
At 7:19 PM, Blogger Steph said...

Fucking Cops, Any excuse to shoot a hole in a wall. ;)

 
At 8:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Abs are hurting, swill shop for titanium, very chic. Is Sam Adams beer good enough?

 
At 9:24 PM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

You are nuts. But hey, that radiation thing ain't funny, I hate microwaves.

Do they have support groups for people with this problem?

 
At 9:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Our booze guy was late too, how rude.

Kill vermin, 12 guage works better.

 
At 10:14 PM, Blogger 123Valerie said...

I woulda looked that cop square in the eyeball and said, "No sir, it's the hole in my head that's giving me all the trouble."

Good thing you're not me. You handled that situation with aplomb and shit.

 
At 9:09 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

sir dj,

I am still recovering from my dirty weekend.

Thanks for coming by.

karmyn,

I love the part when the squirrel jumps on his back.

steph,

He's on paid administrative leave.

0,

I can't look a beer in the face for another couple of hours. Blech.

kiyotoe,

I'm happy to know I'm not the only one with this problem. I have a piece of malachite on my microwave.

sank,

You'd think, being in the South and all, that at least one of us would have had a shotgun.

123,

I handled the situation with Scope.

 
At 9:14 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

My wife's family also participates in squirrel hunting around the holidays, though the setting is usually a bit different.

 
At 11:15 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

av,

Now you tell me...we could have used their help.

 
At 1:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This reminds me of A Christmas Story, when they go to the Chinese restaurant for Christmas dinner (after their turkey ritual is ruined by the Bumpus's dogs.

 
At 3:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's the human cops that get me....

 
At 4:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

lmao! crankster nailed it with the "eating squirrel next year" remark. YUM.

 
At 6:01 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

bird,

Oh, I love that movie.

matt,

If you had jumped out of Sandra's closet, I would have called the human cops on you.

miztris,

I'm serving it with acorn squash.

 
At 12:05 PM, Blogger Kelley said...

My contribution to this year's Thanksgiving was commensurate with my culinary skill level: uncorking the wine. Everyone survived, although it was touch-and-go for a few moments there.

At least there was no wildlife involved.

 
At 12:08 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

kelley,

Depending on the kind of corkscrew, I am good at that too.

We should cook together.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 12:38 PM, Blogger melanie said...

hole in the wall... heh.

nothing says HOLIDAY like chinese buffet!

 
At 12:51 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

melanie,

I love pot stickers. No matter the season.

 
At 6:09 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

'The Greatest Country In The World'?

Yeah, we do all still definitely think that, but we tend to spell 'country' a little differrently - one less letter.

Puss

 
At 9:32 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

I think you just called me a c*nt. But with your lovely accent, it sounded nice.

 
At 3:11 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

I didn't read that post. But squirrels are cute. Alcohol is good.

Shower and bed time now.

Look forward to your newest post.

heart

Phishez

 
At 6:37 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

phishez,

Squirrels are scary. Alcohol is beautiful.

 
At 11:22 AM, Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

Am I the first person to actually compare that cage the squirrel is in to a rotisserie cage?

Double duty!

 
At 3:38 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

maven,

Please email me the recipe.

 

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Name: Mist1
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