To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Thursday, November 16, 2006

Single Life


My sister and I never really bonded. Our parents split up when she was young. I lived with Dad, while she lived with Mom. Dad also got custody of the cat because the judge found him to be a Highly Responsible Individual. A year later, I went to college (read: moved far, far away from those lunatics).

Now that she's all grown up, I've been trying to bond with her. The problem is that we really don't share any common interests. I like shoes, she wears combat boots. With everything. I like men, she likes women who look like men. I like pinot, she likes Smirnoff Ice.

I love the kid. I really do. Sure, I was a bad babysitter. And sure, I scammed her out of her birthday money and inheritance, but that's all water under the bridge. We are grown ups now. It's time for us to bond.

Recently, she mentioned to me that Dad writes personal ads. Writes and responds to personal ads. I know myself. I cannot let an opportunity like this slip away. We settled down to our laptops and searched for his ad. He's pretty easy to identify. Bob Dylan, former smoker, Socialist, dog lover. We had him.

Y'all without sin can cast the first stone.

We posted an ad. "Barbara" is 50, looks 49. Loves comedy and Dylan. Finds men with grown, yet immature children irresistably sexy. Loves dogs.

We left him a message. I did the talking because I am the one who can alter my voice without giggling. I mentioned that I look like Betty Aberlin (Dad made me watch "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood" because he had a crush on Lady Aberlin).

Thus far, has worked like magic. Barbara and Dad have date this weekend.

He better not try anything funny.

Mist 1


64 Comments:

At 10:57 PM, Blogger Nihilistic said...

Hire the biggest woman you can find to pretend to be her! PLEASE!!!!!!!

 
At 11:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Bob Dylan here, can we double date with you two?

 
At 11:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hehe - decided you didn't want that inheritance after all, with other words? lol

 
At 11:29 PM, Blogger slaghammer said...

My alternate telephone voice is a seventy year old geezer named Mr. McGillicutty. I turn him loose on telemarketers mostly. McGillicutty only remembers the first few digits of his credit card number and always either dies of a heart attack or is killed by his worthless son. So far McGillicutty has died well over 30 times and while several telemarketers have voiced their intention to call 911, so far, nothing but the crickets.

 
At 12:35 AM, Blogger IBTP said...

I like smirnoff ice when the weather is unbearably hot. Combat boots go with everything! ,especially 21 hole Docs

 
At 12:37 AM, Blogger IBTP said...

Smirnoff ice rocks when it's hot out, and combat boots go with everything, especially 21 hole docs.

 
At 1:28 AM, Blogger The Naked Nerd said...

I never watched Mr. Rogers, he gave me the creeps just like a catholic priest. So just is who this Betty Aberlin. Is she like really hot? Do you know were I can get some nudes of her? ;)

 
At 1:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

pranks is there any better way to bond? Me and my sister do not get along but we did seem to but aside our difference whenever we were up to no good.

 
At 3:33 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

That's just so...wrong.

And, of course, completely freakin' hilarious.

 
At 4:22 AM, Blogger Umar Pirzada said...

Poor DAD...thats no way to get back at him...

Whos going to barbara, decided yet?

 
At 4:24 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

That's some Electra complex you have there, Mist. Mind you, your dad sounds awfully like my dad, and I've just had my hair cut really short. I think we might share DNA...

Puss

 
At 4:59 AM, Blogger Nattie said...

hahaha sounds like something I did....

except it was 6 months into my first relationship and I saw that my then boyfriend had posted a profile on a dating website...so I made up a profile and asked him out on a date. Boy was he surprised when he showed up at the coffee house and I was sitting there......oh la la....
the look on his face was priceless

we didn't last long after that one.

 
At 5:20 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nihilistic,

Where can I rent a big woman?

0,

Mr. Dylan, while I am flattered, Dad and his "date" will need some quality time to themselves.

choo,

I would have squandered that money on shoes anyway.

slag,

McGillicutty is really fun to say.

Thanks for coming by.

ibtp,

I hate to do this...you are wrong. Combat boots were over years ago. Trust me. I know a lot about shoes.

Thanks for coming by.

nerd,

I am almost ashamed to admit that I looked for Lady Aberlin porn last night while I was posting this. I knew you'd understand.

shadow,

I am feeling closer to her already.

nwjr,

Am hoping that Dad thinks it's completely freakin' hilarious as well.

umar,

We haven't thought that far in advance. Any suggestions?

puss,

Sister? Is that you?

nattie,

I'm not worthy.

 
At 5:36 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

Maybe you could spend some of your inheritance and hire Babwa Walters to on the date with him. That'll really f with his head.

Love the ad picture BTW!

 
At 5:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sick bitches, yet OH so funny. *snort*

 
At 6:16 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Hi, Sis'. How else was I going to accumulate enough dirt on you to blackmail my inheritance back?

Puss

 
At 6:26 AM, Blogger Natalia said...

Ouch! And also ouch to what Nattie said. Online dating sites have made it so easy for those with the wrong idea. *sigh*

You should have your own show. It would sorta be like Ashton Kutcher's Punk'd but more cruel. I'd so be a fan.

-N

 
At 6:33 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Well, you are in the south. Fathers and daughters dating isn't too far-fetched.

 
At 6:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How many other dates do you girls have lined up?

 
At 7:06 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

OMG. HAHAHAHA. Please don't look down on me, I am not a fancy drinker. I heart Smirnoff. Yeah I know, I'm cheap.

 
At 7:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're a very funny woman. Glad I stumbled on this site. I'll be back regularly.

 
At 7:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Excellent! that sounds like it could be a scene in a movie...

 
At 7:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Excellent! that sounds like it could be a scene in a movie...

 
At 7:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"50...looks 49" OMG - funny!

 
At 8:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Buy that man a pina collada!

 
At 8:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, I have a gay sister, too. But funny thing in a big family... I'm closest to the one with the best weed connections.

 
At 8:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG i love the ad in the pic! Super hella funny -

Next: Poor Barbara - growing up in Arkansas... loving her family a lil' too much...

Finally: Honestly it's a totally genius way to bond with your sis. Perfecto! I would probably pull that prank on my mom with my Brother as my partner in crime.
Thanks for the prank idea.

 
At 8:37 AM, Blogger 123Valerie said...

Um, who didn't have a crush on Lady Aberlin?

Go Papa Mist! Jam out with your clam out.

 
At 8:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My brother and I have nothing in common either. So we don't really talk. But then no one in my family talks. We're a very quiet family.

 
At 8:48 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Letting Dad get stood up would be anticlimactic. Maybe you and your sister could both be there, dressed for a sack race. (In great shoes and combat boots, respectively, of course.)

I would hope he'd at least buy you a pinot and Smirnoff, respectively.

 
At 9:16 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

Yes!! Another Mist Porn Post on Monday!!

 
At 9:37 AM, Blogger melanie said...

How are you going to disguise your voice in person?

i hope this is real, you out your dad, and all have a great time laughing and bonding.

stay away from discussing religion or politics. Stick with family issues! Ha!

 
At 9:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

we are family...I've got all my sisters with me...I just type the first things that went through my head

 
At 9:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My dad also is on a couple of Internet dating sites. I about passed out when I realized this and have NEVER had the interest in seeing my dad working his online mojo... Ewwww....

 
At 9:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haha, that is one cool pic of an ad. I'd love to see the look on your dad's face once he realizes he's been had.

 
At 10:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Damn, did I miss a memo on combat boots? They are still making us wear them to work ;)

This story reminds me of "Must Love Dogs."

I have a better idea, hire a cross-dresser!

 
At 10:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

my bro and i have the same type of relationship.

 
At 10:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh, I bet he's going to try something funny because him kicking your ass is going to be pretty funny. ;)

 
At 10:50 AM, Blogger Tug said...

What are you going to do when he sends you nudie pics?

 
At 12:26 PM, Anonymous Odat said...

What shoes are you wearing?

Peace

 
At 2:35 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

icl,

I am a little mean, but not that mean.

ctw,

I love bonding.

puss,

With your photos, you're going to have to dig really deep.

natalia,

Why don't I have my own show? How come no one has discovered me.

av,

My dad and I ended our relationship years ago. We are still friends.

margaret,

Just the one. My dad's no slut.

maiden,

I will turn a blind eye.

mystic,

I amuse myself too.

Thanks for coming by.

claudia,

But who would play me in the movie?

jali,

I thought it was one of my better moments. Thanks for noticing.

matt,

No one in my family has a good weed connection.

mayren,

Let me know how that prank works for you.

123,

Since you mentioned it...I did have a tiny crush on her.

karma,

You all would hate me.

hearts,

I gotta take my sister shoe shopping before we go anywhere.

britt,

I'll try not to disappoint.

melanie,

I haven't gotten that far in the plan yet.

major,

I type the things that go through my head too. Also, I say them without thinking first.

Thanks for coming by.

violet,

You don't know how much fun you are missing. You must have a hobby.

lizza,

I'll try to get some pictures of Dad's face.

victoria,

There is enough drama in my family without throwing a cross-dresser in the mix.

brooklyn,

Which one of you wears the combat boots?

miztris,

First he'll have to catch me.

tug,

Vomit. And then vomit some more.

odat,

Red. Square to. To die for. Thanks for asking.

 
At 4:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah I love talking about people. Pickle and Pnut butter sangies, really?

 
At 4:17 PM, Blogger Lindsey said...

You are too funny!!!!

 
At 6:08 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

as many,

Yes. Love them.

Thanks for coming by.

lindsey,

I hope Dad thinks it's funny.

 
At 6:09 PM, Blogger Killer said...

If you want I can show up in a wig. If I shave my goatee just right I could look like Lady Aberlin, if she was a 350 pound man.

 
At 6:10 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

killer,

You sexy b*tch.

 
At 6:36 PM, Blogger Girlie Monkey said...

WHAT YOU DID IS SO FUNNY, A LITTLE MEAN AND A TAD PHSYCOTIC! I CAN SAY THAT BECAUSE I'VE DONE THE EXACT SAME THING TO MY EX-BOYFRIEND (AFTER WE BROKE UP BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON ME)... lET'S JUST SAY, "THE GIRL OF HIS DREAMS" STOOD HIM UP AFTER HE SPENT $300 ON TICKETS TO SEE HER FAVORITE BAND...

 
At 6:46 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

You know, in Southwest Virginia, good girls only let daddy get to second base on the first date.

Less'n he kicks in for the Skoal.

 
At 7:02 PM, Blogger anastasia said...

Oh shit, look out, he's probably on cloud 9, poor thing.

That is really funny though!!!!!

 
At 7:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad to see that you guys found a way to bond.

 
At 7:52 PM, Anonymous Alison said...

I, um, had a crush on Lady Aberlin, too.
*looks around the room*

 
At 8:21 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

girlie,

Who's psycho now?

crank,

I like the mango flavored Skoal.

anastasia,

You're so sympathetic to Dad. What are you doing this weekend?

bird,

She's a great kid.

alison,

You're in good company. Lady Aberlin had it going on.

 
At 9:35 PM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

I hear Sasquatch is available.

 
At 10:01 PM, Anonymous Kristyn said...

Oh no, no, that's too good... I have nothing to say, no snarky comment, nothing. That's simply too good!

Kristyn

 
At 10:12 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

pissy,

I love my father. I also love my life.

kristyn,

Don't you just feel like bonding with someone now?

 
At 10:25 PM, Blogger Karmyn R said...

AT least you and your sis have one thing in common!! Torturing parents. hee hee

 
At 2:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As always, I await the update to this :)

 
At 5:05 AM, Blogger Darlene said...

Oh boy.....rofl.....at least you found a way to bond with G.I. Sis - there's nothing like some good, clean fun...try to draw the line when it comes to cyber-sex, though. THere's just some shit you don't want to hear from your dad.

 
At 7:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My older brother and I are like that. I actually had the nerve to be born and he's never forgiven me. Apparently, he wanted a puppy instead.

 
At 9:48 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

karmyn,

We had no idea how much we had in common.

barb,

I'll let you know how the date goes.

darlene,

Good point. I will limit our online correspondence.

velvet,

I never had a puppy.

 
At 1:23 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

There is no taboo with you. For shame!

Still, I like your style.

 
At 8:14 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

orhan,

No, I have a tattoo. See?

 
At 10:38 AM, Blogger Some Random Girl said...

I think that's hilarious. YOu should totally do what Niles suggested. HIre a big fatty to show up and make sure she has a beard and carries a puppet.

 
At 10:17 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

srg,

If I ever have a good fatty, I'm not sharing with Dad.

 

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