Mishap
I keep meeting people that look retarded. Droopy eyes and everything. I speak loudly to them and in short sentences until I find out that they are not retarded at all. Probably neurosurgeons or something. Then, I feel bad for them because they still look retarded.Right now, I feel bad for myself.
I keep thinking of all those people that meet me and assume that I'm not retarded based on how I look. Honestly, I look like all my chromosomes are all in the right places. I can only imagine what it's like to talk to me and realize that while I look normal, I am perfectly retarded. They must be disappointed and also a little scared because I have a driver's license and play with sharp objects.
Last night, I decided to cook. By cook, I mean, heat something up in the toaster oven. I turned the it on and sat down to go through your blogroll. I heard the "ding" of the toaster oven and checked on my dinner, it was cold. I cranked it up again. Another "ding" and it was still cold. Irritable from hunger, I set the toaster oven to "Broil" and paced the floors like a tiger in the zoo. Upon hearing the "ding," I ran into the kitchen. Still cold. It seems that the toaster oven has to be plugged in. Right. Thirty minutes later, I enjoyed takeout.
This is the kind of thing that could happen to anyone. It doesn't make me retarded.
Dropping my cell phone in the toilet makes me retarded.
I don't usually send text messages from the bathroom, but sometimes I get inspired. I had a really great thought about installing a garbage disposal in my toilet and needed to share it with someone. That's when I dropped it. Yes, I reached my hand in and fished it (my phone) out.
I don't even know how to use my home phone. I had to find it first. It was buried under a pile of shoes in my closet. I had 249 unanswered messages dating back to 2003. I needed to call someone. Not being able to use my cell phone made me feel suddenly cut off from the world. The only phone number that I have memorized is 911. After being on hold for 20 minutes, I decided to go through more blogrolls.
I wonder if my wi-fi works in the bathroom.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:55 AM
65 Comments:
yeah it makes me think that I should write down everybody's numbers elsewhere because if I lose mine or drop it in the toilet then they'll be gone. I hope you used toilet paper or a net or something to get it out. Maybe I'm just a fancy boy though
See, I've heard of conversations going to the gutter, but never the toilet. And don't worry too much about the toaster oven, that happened to me once! Hell, I burned water once, figure that one out. ;) -I'm still trying to!
Kristyn
doug,
I am a quick thinker. I just stuck my hand in.
kristyn,
At least I didn't drop the toaster oven in the toilet.
Wi-Fi in the bathroom - you'll have to ask my husband that question.
I have honestly gotten to work before and thought my computer had failed when all I needed to do was turn on the monitor. It was followed quickly by me sticking my head out of my cubicle to make sure no one had seen me!
1
I have the perfect solution for you! We install storm door screen over the toilet for you. We let it sag a little, but not so the middle drops to the water level. Think of the money you'll save in cell phones and underwear!
I had a friend who regularly dropped her phone in the toilet. She has to keep to a perticular brand cos they dry out the quickest.
hilarious stuff...funny how the same dropping-ur-cell-in-the-toilet thought lingered briefly in my head today...
do brainwaves leak and travel?
Mist
You spend more time in the bathroom than anyone I know. Either you need to get the OCD looked at, or stop eating the laxative chocolate.
Puss
I used to use cloth diapers for my kids so I'm not TOO opposed to putting my hand in toilet water, even after all these years. (The toilet was where the diapers were rinsed.)
I was in the hospital once and was going to call a friend. I only knew her number as Saved #2. UGH!
Just use the microwave to dry out your phone.
I find that people recognize my retardation more easily when I wear my helmet out in public. It's really the only safe way for me to leave home.
So, you look intelligent, or 'normal', but you're retarded? I think everyone's 'off' in some way - none of us are completely 'normal', even if we think we are.
that must make my brother retarded, he did the same to his cell phone a short while ago, except, when he reached for it , he accidentally pushed it further....and then my father had to rescue him and undo some of the plumbing...always good to have a handy man around the house when you're living with a bunch of morons :D
Since we all know that your specific bodily functions comprise the elements that make angels, I'm sure it was no big deal to reach into the toilet.
People still have phones in their houses? What craziness is that?
My "boss" has dropped his phone in the toilet. TWICE. Ya' know I love ya', but this doesn't say much.
Too bad that your toaster oven isn't idiot-proof somehow, like my toaster. The toast won't stay down if it's not plugged in. I'm very familiar with this feature.
As for the unfortunate incident with your phone, at least it was your own toilet. My husband's boss dropped his Blackberry in the toilet at work.
not the toaster part, but the "I dropped my phone in the tiolet and it was out of commision for DAYS until it dried" is my patent excuse for not returning phone calls. A toilet screen would totally ruin my excuse.
Toilets scare me.
-N
Mist1,
I think it's wonderful that someone such as yourself lives as independently as you do. There are programs that might even help you find a job.
By the way, did you know that two retarded persons can mate and have perfectly normal children?
I have no electronic intelligence while I tell myself that it's beneath me to learn. I can't learn phone numbers and have my own cell # in my list of phone numbers so I can tell people.
This great post also reminds me of a neighbour, who I have assumed for the 2 years was drunk constantly because she constantly slurs and wobbles. I felt sick last night when it suddenly occured to me that she might be disabled!
Best get a new celly, playa.
Cause you know, even if it starts working again, it's going to sound like shit.
Ha! I'm so clever. Defintely NOT the kind of person who's ever forgotten to pull down her underpants before sitting down on the toilet. No way.
Sisters of Questionable Mental Abilities Unite! This is why girls pair up before hitting the loo.
Mist -
You're not retarted sweety.
Your just "Life-challenged" with a sexy aura. Not too bad considering
you can operate a computer pretty well, while putting on lipstick, juggling a few pill-popper cocktails, and looking hott.
All in a day's work Misty ...
I'm glad I'm not the only one that brings the phone to the bathroom...
I am a firm believer that other than SHIT and/or PISS, people shouldn't do anything while on the toilet.
And apparently, you've proven my point. ;)
Steve~
Our wi-fi works in the bathroom.
Did I just say that out loud?
I have only dropped my cell phone in the toilet once, and i did that from the hall of my apartment. I tripped and fell into the bathroom, and my phone bounced off the sink into the toilet (cuz i am retarded).
i was thinking of making this an olympic event. seems we would be in competition with each other...
And i get to wear the blue uniform this time.
karmyn,
Your husband's in my bathroom?
michael,
So did you call tech support?
0,
I think I just need an assistant with me all the time.
nerd,
This is because I told the Witnesses to go away last weekend. I knew I should have read the Watch Tower.
shadow,
What's the brand?
umar,
You'd better hope that you can't catch my thoughts. I don't want you to pull any grey matter what with my tremendous brain power and all.
puss,
If you saw the library of fashion magazines in the downstairs bathroom, you'd stay in there too.
barb,
The number 2 part was funny. I only went number 1.
vince,
Are you sure that I won't get hurt? I've already tried the dryer.
wg,
I'd love to wear a helmet, but my hair won't cooperate.
darlene,
So everyone is just as retarded as I am? Now I feel bad for everyone. Also, I don't look intelligent at all. No one ever thinks that upon seeing me.
nattie,
This moron lives without men.
av,
Well, my sh*t doesn't stink if that's what you mean.
karma,
I have one just for emergencies. Like this one.
tug,
I've always wanted to be the boss.
velvet,
My toaster has that feature too. But I got the toaster oven that wasn't designed for retards.
margaret,
I am usually one of those people who people don't want to hear from. They are enjoying the vacation from me.
natalia,
Do you want my therapist's number? Oh wait, I don't know it.
matt,
That is the least sexy solicitation that I have had in hours.
jacquie
I think I might be your neighbor. Don't worry. I'm just drunk.
123,
Have you done the move where you forget to lift the lid before you sit down? I think I invented that move.
mayren,
Why did you have to mention cocktails? I am so thirsty now.
claudia,
We are those people that other people talk about.
steven,
The toilet is where I read my magazines.
I guess it's too late for that hand sanitizer, huh?
alison,
Is this an invitation to move in with you and Allen?
melanie,
I'm up for the Special Olymipcs this year. Can we do the sychronized event?
ctw,
This called for rubbing alcohol.
Our wi-fi works in the bathroom.
It has to.
I spend a lot of time in there.
I am concerned about your diet if you need a garbage disposal in the toilet. It really should not be that difficult to flush.
I wrote this comment while on the toilet.
We had a guy here at work drop his pager in the toilet, but then tried to get a replacement by saying he just lost it. It was only after the maintenence man had to unplug the toilet that he found the pager and was able to identify who it belonged to, that the guy finally fessed up to having it drop in the toilet while he was taking a crap.....thats the shits, huh?
It's a bathroom blog day. FYI.
pissy,
I love the bathroom. It's so peaceful in there, except for when the cat wants to get in.
killer,
The Toilet Garbage Disposal is just a really good idea.
meg,
Pager? Not even drug dealers have pagers anymore.
dallas,
What can I say, great minds...
My... uhhh... sister one time tried to make "Easy Mac," but forgot to put water in the bowl with the macaroni. She ended up with a microwave full of smoke and a bowl of charred noodles.
But, she isn't retarded, either, so don't worry about it.
violet,
Easy Mac is hard.
Shirley, the girl in the local McDonalds, is mildly retarded. You don't realize this unless you look very closely at her, and then it becomes clear. I figured it out one day when Shirl and I were talking. She explained her problem with one thing or another, explaining it as "well, I'm a little retarded." I told her that it was a common problem, or something like that. She laughed at me and said "no, actually, I am retarded."
Shirley is so damned cool.
I am equally kitchen challenged. I have an anxiety attack when more than none burner on the oven is going.
well..atleast the toilet water didn't splash out onto anything else nearby, like your makeup. I think lipstick molds when that happens.
by the way, i am addicted to your blog. you are hilarious!
Ha! Two topics with which I have personal experience ...
I once ruined Hamburger Helper (plasticized is more like it!)
and
I once wrote a poem about Technology a la Commode.
I'm laughing cuz I just saw what you wrote about me at Critique My Blog :)
Cell phones can't go in the toilet?
I had no idea.
LMAO!
No, seriously, dude, too funny!
i'll go you one better on the fishing the cell phone out of the toilet(i mean...who HASN'T done that)......i have a relative(i won't name him to save him the embarrasment on the www) who had a capped tooth.....it was poorly fitted and came off all the time.......usually while he was eating......which of course resulted in him swallowing the cap.......being sort of a neanderthal, this brilliant fellow would poop in a bucket for days....and with each poop, he'd fish around the poop bucket looking for that cap.....uggghhh........and when he found it, where do you think it went?...that's right, back into his mouth(after cleaning of course)......as repulsive as that sounds, it's 100% true......
luckily, he's a relative by marriage not blood.....i'd hate to share the same genetic material.......
Stak
Multitasking is dangerous. Text messaging is also a no-no while driving FYI.
LOL, my best friend was reaching to flush the toilet & dropped her cell phone right at the wrong moment. Gone Forever. Sucked right down the hydrolics of Wendy's plumbing system.
Cell phones should be made to send saved numbers right to our computers.
Damn I'm glad I'm not the only one to ever do that. But why we gotta be retarded, how 'bout clumsy?
No?
Did you say that blogging about panties, lubricant, and your naked Mom at Glamourpuss's site makes you a pervert? I thought it just makes you a marketing genius.
I've done that. I was pissed as a magott and had uber tight hipsters on.
My phone was in my back pocket and as i pulled them down....SPLASH.
I left it there. I was in a nighclub and no phone is worth getting some rabid disease over.
Uh, ya I'm retarded. I dropped my cell phone in the toilet this year.
Wait a minute, let me qualify, my accidentally knocked it out of it's holster on my pants and it flew in an arch-like fashion into the tank.
Yes and my super swift reflexes caused me to plunge my hand into that bowl sooner than I had a chance to realize that bowl was filled with pee pee and toilet water.
crank,
Tell Shirl, I said "no offense."
c,
I do my best to never turn on the stove.
ruchi,
I once splashed toilet water in my eye. By the grace of G*d, I can still see.
I am addicted to my blog too.
Thanks for coming by.
kev,
Hamburger Helper is really difficult.
I'll have to check out your poem.
anastasia,
Are you working on developing your bad habit or getting over it? Am unclear.
barb,
You are the bloggingest person I have ever read.
hearts,
Trust me. They are not toilet friendly.
orhan,
Dude, smell my hand.
stak,
I feel better about myself now. Thanks.
lee,
I am generally a multislacker.
kiyotoe,
I am clumsy too. See this bruise on my hip?
ephmerist,
I have always wanted to be an evil genius, but marketing genius will do.
steph,
I love uber tight hipsters.
icl,
We should start a club. But you will have to rethink the phone holster.
Just want to thank you for your blog. These hilarious posts provide wonderful laughs :)
Seriously, where are ya on the book thing? You should do it.
Girl, I don;t even have a home phone! I have a cell phone but don;t even know my own number. I NEED A PERSONAL ASSISTANT!
Lol...
Now, while the term 'retarded' is totally NOT politically correct......
I know what you mean.
And that feeling (I think it is the fight or flight thing) when you are babbling away to someone and they have that look...you can see the whites of their eyes and they are looking for an escape....anything.
Yeah.
echo,
Glad I can make you laugh. Also, am talking to an independent publishing company. Not sure it's a good fit.
mogul,
I need a manager on duty 24 hours a day.
crunchy,
I meant developmentally retarded. I have a hard time remembering to be politically correct on account of my retardation and all.
Thanks for coming by.
How will you call for take out without your cell phone?
I like to take my laptop into the bathroom to read my bloglines while I'm taking a dump in the morning. If I dropped my laptop in the toilet I'd fish it out but I'd be really bummed if it got poo on it!
Nudge.. time for a new post..
i'm so glad i could learn from your mistake. i now know not to phone a friend from the bathroom toilet o_0
I'll put a post-it on the wall just to remind me, though.
Too funny. Last month I had the cable company trying to fix my connection for over an hour, but he couldn't find the problem ... when he left I found I didn't have my wireless button flicked on. But hey, he must have been as retarded as me otherwise he would have figured that out.
babs,
Thank G*d that I can order a pizza online.
srg,
I gotta try that.
skittles,
I take the weekends off. It's all I can do to prove that I don't have an internet addiction.
kris,
I am here to help.
bibi,
Separated at birth? Your hair isn't naturally curly is it?
Thanks for coming by.
lolol,
hmmmm I wonder if that is what cingular means when they say network 'with the fewest dropped calls."
Great blog! thanks for the laughs
BD
donkey,
That was great. I wish I had thought of the whole Cingular thing.
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