I keep meeting people that look retarded. Droopy eyes and everything. I speak loudly to them and in short sentences until I find out that they are not retarded at all. Probably neurosurgeons or something. Then, I feel bad for them because they still look retarded.
Right now, I feel bad for myself.
I keep thinking of all those people that meet me and assume that I'm not retarded based on how I look. Honestly, I look like all my chromosomes are all in the right places. I can only imagine what it's like to talk to me and realize that while I look normal, I am perfectly retarded. They must be disappointed and also a little scared because I have a driver's license and play with sharp objects.
Last night, I decided to cook. By cook, I mean, heat something up in the toaster oven. I turned the it on and sat down to go through your blogroll. I heard the "ding" of the toaster oven and checked on my dinner, it was cold. I cranked it up again. Another "ding" and it was still cold. Irritable from hunger, I set the toaster oven to "Broil" and paced the floors like a tiger in the zoo. Upon hearing the "ding," I ran into the kitchen. Still cold. It seems that the toaster oven has to be plugged in. Right. Thirty minutes later, I enjoyed takeout.
This is the kind of thing that could happen to anyone. It doesn't make me retarded.
Dropping my cell phone in the toilet makes me retarded.
I don't usually send text messages from the bathroom, but sometimes I get inspired. I had a really great thought about installing a garbage disposal in my toilet and needed to share it with someone. That's when I dropped it. Yes, I reached my hand in and fished it (my phone) out.
I don't even know how to use my home phone. I had to find it first. It was buried under a pile of shoes in my closet. I had 249 unanswered messages dating back to 2003. I needed to call someone. Not being able to use my cell phone made me feel suddenly cut off from the world. The only phone number that I have memorized is 911. After being on hold for 20 minutes, I decided to go through more blogrolls.
I wonder if my wi-fi works in the bathroom.