Trailer Parks, Mountain Dew, Crystal Meth
I have preferences. I like my potential suitors to be breathing. I am picky, but I believe that a girl has to have standards.
I may need to rethink my standards.
I let my friend set me up last weekend. She is dating a man who's father is a pastor in a rattlesnake worshipping church. She may not have been the best option as a matchmaker.
We drove out to Who Shot John, Georgia (population 27.5). It was instantly clear that my date for the evening, Ricky Dee, constituted the .5. He shared his double-wide with a man whose teeth grew in rows like a shark, an unconscious young woman, fifteen children all under the age of four, and eight dogs. The dogs ruled the double-wide, but luckily, the children were outdoor children.
I asked why all the children were tethered outside. "They're grounded," the toothy man replied.
Ricky Dee and I shared many common interests. I am a collector. Mainly, I collect pens that I inadvertently steal from people. Ricky Dee collects Mountain Dew cans. He had made an antenna for his TV out of hundreds, if not thousands of Mountain Dew cans. He explained that ever since the people in the trailer next to him had packed up and driven away, he didn't have cable, but the one channel that did come in had pretty good reception.
He poured me a vodka and Mountain Dew and we got to know each other a little better. He told me that he liked my fancy shoes. Ricky Dee knew how to soften my heart. The unconscious woman snorted and made a comment in her sleep. B*tch. Her shoes looked like feet to me.
I asked Ricky Dee what he did for a living. "I'm a cook," he answered. Things were looking up. "Ooooooh, cook me something," I crooned. He got up and clanked around in the kitchen for a bit. I tried to make small talk with the toothy man who was trying to pick the pattern off of the carpet with his thick fingernails. Ricky Dee appeared in front of me with a dinner plate. "You wanna smoke it or snort it, Beautiful?"
I left, but still, I could have used a pick me up to clean my house. Damn.