To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Trailer Parks, Mountain Dew, Crystal Meth


I have preferences. I like my potential suitors to be breathing. I am picky, but I believe that a girl has to have standards.

I may need to rethink my standards.

I let my friend set me up last weekend. She is dating a man who's father is a pastor in a rattlesnake worshipping church. She may not have been the best option as a matchmaker.

We drove out to Who Shot John, Georgia (population 27.5). It was instantly clear that my date for the evening, Ricky Dee, constituted the .5. He shared his double-wide with a man whose teeth grew in rows like a shark, an unconscious young woman, fifteen children all under the age of four, and eight dogs. The dogs ruled the double-wide, but luckily, the children were outdoor children.

I asked why all the children were tethered outside. "They're grounded," the toothy man replied.

Ricky Dee and I shared many common interests. I am a collector. Mainly, I collect pens that I inadvertently steal from people. Ricky Dee collects Mountain Dew cans. He had made an antenna for his TV out of hundreds, if not thousands of Mountain Dew cans. He explained that ever since the people in the trailer next to him had packed up and driven away, he didn't have cable, but the one channel that did come in had pretty good reception.

He poured me a vodka and Mountain Dew and we got to know each other a little better. He told me that he liked my fancy shoes. Ricky Dee knew how to soften my heart. The unconscious woman snorted and made a comment in her sleep. B*tch. Her shoes looked like feet to me.

I asked Ricky Dee what he did for a living. "I'm a cook," he answered. Things were looking up. "Ooooooh, cook me something," I crooned. He got up and clanked around in the kitchen for a bit. I tried to make small talk with the toothy man who was trying to pick the pattern off of the carpet with his thick fingernails. Ricky Dee appeared in front of me with a dinner plate. "You wanna smoke it or snort it, Beautiful?"

I left, but still, I could have used a pick me up to clean my house. Damn.

Mist 1


72 Comments:

At 9:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Too bad Ricky couldn't come over to clean up. And maybe make a few things for the freezer while he was at it! BTW, did he serve WalMart wine?

 
At 9:51 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

It was vodka. At least I think it was. He made it in the bathtub.

 
At 10:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my, I can't even believe that this is real. You should have taken pictures LOL!

 
At 11:23 PM, Blogger The Naked Nerd said...

LMFAO - You just got to watch out fer thm inbreeds gurl! I'm surprised he didn't offer you a mayonnaise sandwich! At least next time you know what to bring. Forget flowers, a bottle of wine, or any other tacky gift. Just bring a couple packs of Sudafed. Mist you friggin crack me up! Thanks for the laugh today. :)

 
At 11:56 PM, Blogger Killer said...

If you keep making such snide remarks about double wides me and my room mate Cletus will not invite you back.
Do not blasphem the name of Mountain Dew!

 
At 1:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I would have legged it after they explained where they were taking you...

 
At 2:50 AM, Anonymous mailman said...

"Her shoes looked like feet to me."

Hahahaa, this made my day!

 
At 3:23 AM, Anonymous Kristyn said...

Double-wide...fancy! :P Ricky Dee sounds like a charmer, you shouldn't let that one get away! On second thought, the whole Mt. Dew thing is a little weird. ;)

Kristyn

 
At 4:04 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

I've seen those 'feet' shoes - they're Vivienne Westwood - handmade in Italy - tres expensive.

Puss

 
At 4:49 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

Wow. You're a lucky girl. With the bar raised that high, it's going to be tough to find anyone else to date!

 
At 5:14 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

jen,

Trust me, nobody wants to see all that. I did take one picture, but I can't bring myself to post it here.

Thanks for coming by.

nerd,

I hate showing ID for Sudafed. I'm just going to rob a convenience store if I have a second date with him.

killer,

Does this mean I'm not invited to Thanksgiving? Cletus makes some damn good possum.

shadow,

Sometimes, I do things just for the blog. Even when I know it's not going to turn out well.

mailman,

I didn't know that you're into feet. Call me.

Thanks for coming back. Guess I didn't offend you too badly.

kristyn,

Mountain Dew and vodka is just a version of Red Bull and vodka. He could have made an antenna out of Red Bull cans just as well, but the green matched his decor.

puss,

The nails looked so realistic.

nwjr,

Lots of fish in the sea. Don't worry, I will find another. I always do.

 
At 5:31 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Very rarely does the written word make me laugh. Even if I find it hilarious, I just don't laugh out loud.

But this line did it for me: "Her shoes looked like feet to me."

Once I started, I couldn't stop. You are a goddess of comedy.

 
At 5:35 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

av,

Must shop for goddess wardrobe.

 
At 5:41 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

Your first clue was the fact he served you Mountain Dew - honey we all know that Sun Drop rules!

Shoes that look like feet? Wonder which designer we can blame for that and which celebrity will be sporting a pair to the next awards show.

 
At 5:53 AM, Anonymous Alison said...

"Her shoes looked like feet to me."

This cracked me up.

 
At 5:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wonder f you made an aerial out of 100's of TV's whether you'd get a signal on a mountain dew can?

 
At 5:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I went to high school with Ricky Dee.

 
At 6:11 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

alison,

She could have used a pedi.

vince,

I'm a blogger, not an engineer.

karma,

I don't think Ricky Dee went to high school.

 
At 6:15 AM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

If killer bans you, you can always join us for the annual Squirrel and Skool wet t-shirt contest/bbq on Arbor Day next year. *spits*

 
At 6:15 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

cheeky,

Sun Drop? I'm a name brand kind of girl. He knew I was classy.

 
At 6:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
bath tub vodka can be pretty good if you know what you're doing. We call it grain alcohol and can get it up to about 190 proof with really good copper distillation equipment and some woods. Then we can make what are commonly called "Skip 'N Go Nakeds" Ain't Chemistry wonderful.

 
At 6:28 AM, Blogger Margaret said...

Extra teeth are the coolest!

 
At 6:44 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

ctw,

Thanks for the invite. Is it BYOS (Bring Y'alls Own Squirrel)?

0,

Sounds complicated. Can't I just sit here and look pretty while you do all the chemistry stuff?

margaret,

It really depends on who you ask. I know lots of guys that prefer chicks without teeth. Matter of personal preference.

 
At 6:46 AM, Blogger Tug said...

A double wide AND teeth? UnHEARD of... **sigh** if only I lived closer.

 
At 6:46 AM, Blogger Natalia said...

ROTFL...gasping for air. But he called you beautiful...that surely makes up for it all. That's love.

-N

 
At 6:49 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

tug,

He was a rare breed. Or inbred. I'm not sure which.

natalia,

Well, the man wasn't blind.

 
At 6:51 AM, Blogger Girlie Monkey said...

So, just a regular date... no big deal...

 
At 6:55 AM, Blogger Nattie said...

I didn't know you were from New Brunswick!!???

 
At 7:15 AM, Blogger 123Valerie said...

Ah, young love. Call me old fashioned, but it just isn't romance without methampetamines, unconcious sex and illegitmate children.

 
At 7:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I've been to Who Shot John, GA. In fact, it's not that far from here. I'm sure he learned his culinary skills at the grill of the local Waffle House.

 
At 7:35 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

Oh dear Mist, I know you could've outran him. Should of took it to go. Shame, the shame.

 
At 7:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mist1, tell me more about this "unconscious young woman"--she sounds perfect for me!

I don't mind if she has children, so long as they are "outside children" and know how to "git."

 
At 8:00 AM, Blogger fringes said...

"...one unconscious girl..."

I can't tell what's fact or fiction, but you make me laugh on every visit.

By the way, what else do you have time for besides moderating and answering all the comments you get on your posts?

 
At 8:18 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Plain ole yuck.

 
At 8:34 AM, Blogger Miranda said...

LMAO @ potential suitors to be breathing. Yep....lol, sounds like a winner.

Good luck!

 
At 8:40 AM, Blogger desiree said...

I'm glad the children were outdoor children. Less mess that way.

 
At 8:51 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I'm sending you a copy of The Roadkill Cookbook. And a painting of The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. On velvet.

 
At 8:55 AM, Blogger Elvis said...

Normally I lurk, but your stories are soooo funny. Thanks for the laughs.

 
At 9:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Mist,

1. Since you're a Joe-gia chick is your name really "Misty"?

2. Want to meet a cute guy from my office that isn't psycho? We're in Atlanta.

3. Glad I'm not in trouble.

 
At 9:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hehe - interesting character. Imagine the kids you could have had:P

 
At 9:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You had me at the rattle snake worshipers today Mist...HA HA HA!

 
At 9:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

He poured me a vodka and Mountain Dew and we got to know each other a little better.

Please tell me you didn't get to "know" him in the biblical sense.

 
At 9:51 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Sounds like a perfectly charming evening....did you get out of there with any extra large t-shirts and some CDs???

 
At 10:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am AGOG with jealousy...how come you get all the good ones?

 
At 10:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
No problem. Well, maybe one little problem. No chairs in the bathroom.

 
At 11:07 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

AAAAND....

Mist is back with meth

 
At 11:13 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

girlie,

Nothing special.

nattie,

Are we neighbors? Come over and hang out in the double-wide.

123,

I have my doubts about my future with Ricky Dee, but if everything works out, I'll be changing my name to Mist Dee and we'll be registered at Wal-Mart.

aisby,

And now I want a patty melt platter. Just like that.

maiden,

I don't run. Ever.

matt,

She did wake up for a brief moment to pick the pattern off of the rug. I'll have her email you.

fringes,

In between moderating and answering comments, I check out everyone else's blogs. Then I take a nap. It's a hard life.

lbb,

Have you been to Ricky Dee's trailer?

miranda,

I prefer if they are not mouth breathers, but in a pinch...

desiree,

You still have to feed them and stuff.

hearts,

With that cookbook, every man in his county is gonna want me for a wife. I wonder if his antenna would work for my wi-fi?

elvis,

What flushed you out of the wood work today? The double-wide, the drugs, the bare feet?

Thanks for de-lurking yourself today. Don't be a stranger.

jali,

1. Mist is short for Missed.
2. Yup. Email me. I promise not to use his real name if he ends up on my blog.
3. You are not in trouble, unless this guy isn't cute.

Am so happy to see that your back on the blog again.

choo,

I'd look really hot with no teeth and no shoes surrounded by dirty children. I've always wanted to be a trailer park mommy blogger.

jessie,

Wanna go to church with us on Sunday?

lizza,

If by Biblical, you mean did I stick my tongue down his throat...well, it's sort of my trademark move.

meg,

All I got out of it was a small cut from a Mountain Dew can that I think is infected.

a. whore,

It's really about who-knows-who and favoritism.

 
At 11:15 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I'll perch on the edge of the sink.

britt,

Can't comment now, I've got to clean something.

 
At 11:19 AM, Blogger melanie said...

giggles. I think I know that family, but they must have moved the trailer from east texas. and you wasted a good showing of the "good shoes"

hilarious.

 
At 11:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's always about shoes isn't it?
nice!

Peace

 
At 11:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

the things you do for your readers, sniff..thank you.

 
At 12:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

some girls have all the luck. ;)

 
At 12:11 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

melanie,

My city-slicker shoes were a little out of place, but I think it made me look whimsical.

odat,

It's about me first. Then shoes. What else, is there?

claudia,

No one has ever thanked me for the way I slut myself out for this blog. I am touhed. I am thinking about doing requests. But I need to know that one of you will bail me out if necessary.

 
At 12:13 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

miztris,

Yeah. She was lucky that she was unconscious.

 
At 1:35 PM, Anonymous LastminuteLyn said...

I have the recipe for that squirrel and it goes like this...
For every pound of beans add 1n squirrel and 1 onion cover with water and boil the shit out of it.
Thanks for the laugh

 
At 3:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jesus, I woulda fired that friend who set you up for sure. I don't think she likes you.

 
At 3:59 PM, Blogger Karmyn R said...

Next time ask for some brownies. They arn't as addictive.

 
At 4:00 PM, Blogger Karmyn R said...

I meant - "special" brownies.

 
At 5:37 PM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

He must have really liked you to cook for you on the first date.

 
At 5:55 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

lml,

That sounds tasty. What kind of wine do you recommend?

Thanks for stopping by.

lee,

She wants the best for me. Apparently, this is as good as I can do.

karmyn,

Special brownies for a special girl.

pissy,

Well, I am a special girl (see above).

 
At 6:18 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

"They're grounded."

I loved how you slipped that in. Nice.

 
At 6:58 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

crank,

Thanks for noticing. I'm good for slipping things in.

 
At 8:07 PM, Blogger STAK said...

i prefer the indoor-outdoor variety of children....you can run unwanted guests off by bringing them inside to write words like "fart" on the wall in crayon ala RAISING ARIZONA......

as for the meth......smoked.......gotta be smoked.......no way i'm putting that drain cleaner up my nose.......

great blog you have here......highly entertaining..

 
At 9:34 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

stak,

That is my alltime favorite movie. I like you already.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 1:37 AM, Blogger The Naked Nerd said...

LOL LOL LOL

 
At 5:29 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nerd,

Go ahead, laugh. You're married, you don't have to go through the joys of dating.

 
At 6:56 PM, Blogger anastasia said...

Gotta love them trailer parks!!!!

I kinda miss dating, all the mystery, the butterflys, the unknown. If I'm ever single again, I'm not going to be looking in the trailer parks though.

 
At 8:37 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

anastasia,

While you always know where you'll find meth, you never know where you'll find love.

I am so poetic tonight.

 
At 9:21 PM, Blogger Doug said...

tell me you're kidding?

 
At 10:12 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

doug,

Would I kid you?

 
At 1:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I almost hope this is all true because it is to entirely priceless not to be!

I loved that he called you beautiful while offering you that plate.

Not sure if I will stop giggling any time soon!!

 
At 10:18 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

sara,

Don't laugh. RD and I are registered at Wal-Mart. We are really hoping to get that his and hers shotgun set.

 

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