To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.

Friday, November 10, 2006


My shoe shopping habit has gotten out of hand. I need to practice restraint. So yesterday, I shopped for jeans.

I tried on a pair of the best a$$ jeans that I have ever worn. They were perfect, except for the cheap, glittery belt attached. I admired myself for a moment before deciding that I should let other people admire me as well. I pranced around the store, pausing dramatically in front of other shoppers. Strangely, no one commented on how fabulous my a$$ looked. Even the sales associate looked mildly annoyed. Haters.

Back in my fitting room, I turned around to appreciate the detail on the pockets. Also, I wanted another look at my butt.

I fumbled with the belt. It was stuck. I tugged at it. It didn't budge. I couldn't get out of the jeans. If only I hadn't broken my nails bowling, I am sure that I would have been able to pry the belt loose and avoid what happened next.

Slightly sweaty and panting, I called for the sales associate. Why don't fitting rooms have an emergency button to push just in case something like this happens? Or a phone, like the ones in elevators?

Four sales associates couldn't help me out of the jeans. It's usually not that hard to get me out of my pants. "Maybe we should have a few drinks," I suggested. Finally, after I promised to buy the jeans, the Manager on Duty gave the okay to cut the belt.

I've always wanted a sexy EMT to cut my clothes off. There are some flaws with this fantasy. The auto accident part isn't so appealing. Also, I'd have to make sure that I was wearing something flattering, but that I wouldn't mind having shredded.

This wasn't going exactly how I imagined.

When I was free, an associate asked, "Should I ring these up for you, ma'am?"

I demanded a discount.

Mist 1


At 9:50 PM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

A few drinks? It ain't that easy is it Mist?

No it?

You are hilarious.

At 10:06 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Well, it's gotta be premium liquor. I'm classy.

You changed your image-thingy. The last one looked like the tattoo on my shoulder.

At 10:33 PM, Blogger Karmyn R said...

So, did they give you the discount? At least they should have gotten you that damn drink!

At 10:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If that's what it takes to see your a$$, I'll be right down with the good vodka and the dirty olives.

At 10:39 PM, Blogger velvet girl said...

The sales associate looked mildly annoyed? It was jealously, no doubt, because someone on this earth found a pair of jeans that actually made their a$$ look fabulous.

As for the EMT, I'm sure that you could convince one to do some off-duty... um... training. Practice makes perfect, after all.

At 10:42 PM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

That's why i picked it, it reminded me of the tat on my arm....

great minds right?

But it was time for a'll be back though.

At 10:46 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I did get a discount. I am persuasive. Plus, I made a scene.


Thank Goodness. I am parched over here.


That is the most brilliant thing that I have never thought of.

At 10:47 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


We are practically twins.

At 11:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Leave it to you to be wearing the dildo panties on such an occasion. EMTs be confused.

At 1:15 AM, Blogger The Naked Nerd said...

I wish that I was there to tell you how fabulous your jeans looked! :)

At 1:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You can never compromise on shoes its just not right as you can never have enough pairs!

At 3:36 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

And a discount you should have gotten - they were defective after all....they had you trapped so you HAD to buy them - it sounds like a conspiracy to me

At 4:25 AM, Blogger vincentblackshadow said...

All that and now you have to shopping for a new belt.

Remember, no one wants an EMT with rusty skills. Its almost a civic duty to help these people in any way you can.

At 5:06 AM, Blogger skinnylittleblonde said...

Wonderful Story Mist1!
LOL, you should have demanded that they find someone to get the belt off. It was their faulty product that obviously wanted to go home with you. With 4 associates unable to do such a task, surely they would have had to call for help & the fire dept' always shows up first. I know about those guys ... they have tools & know how to use them ;)

At 5:11 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I should get those things dry cleaned.


I could have used your support.


I need another room. The Shoe Room. That would make me happy.


I'm pretty sure the government had nothing to do with this. I've never seen a good government a$$.


OMG! I need to go shopping for a new belt!


Mmmmm. Firefighters.

At 5:44 AM, Blogger Steph said...

I had the same problem whilst trying on a wetsuit. I was stuck, and no fucker came to my aid.
I had to call my sister on my mobile phone to come and save me.
I had to buy the suit. I had sweated about two gallons of bodily fluids in it after all.

At 6:02 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Frankly, I think it serves you right for wearing jeans - they count as 'workwear' - a true glamour girl would never stoop to workwear, even with glittery accessories. I'm sorry Mist, but there's no compromise here.


At 6:27 AM, Blogger Tug said...

Were the sales associates not HOT? Maybe that's why they couldn't get your pants off...even your pants have morales. (yes, I almost typed that with a straight face)

At 6:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Once again you prove to be one sexy Wench! Keep up the good work.

At 6:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Once again you prove to be one sexy Wench! Keep up the good work.

At 6:50 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

Please tell me you had on clean panties.

You were them, don't you Mist?
Have a great weekend, hugs.

At 7:03 AM, Blogger 123Valerie said...

I can't believe that buttsniff called you "ma'am." WRONG.

At 7:04 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I feel better about myself now. Thanks.


I love jeans. You are missing out.


Not hot at all.


I didn't feel sexy.


Clean panties. Clean, cute panties.

At 7:08 AM, Blogger Margaret said...

sparkley belts never co-operate.

At 7:23 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

OMG wore. Not were. Ugh. TGIF.

At 8:05 AM, Blogger Killer said...

As someone who occasionally gets to cut off peoples clothes in a hospital, I will say it's fun, and to do it on a hot chick instead of five hundred pound guy with cheetos stuck in his abdominal folds would be awesome.
Especially one in jeans with a hot a$$.
You should go to a uniform shop and buy your own EMT scissors to keep around the house.

At 8:15 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

No. I disagree. I gave up jeans when I left university and could afford proper clothes. I will never go back. Old-fashioned? Maybe. Rigid? Very possibly. Glamorous? Always.


At 8:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

never trust a glittery belt that comes with the jeans!

At 8:25 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I pretended not to hear the ma'am part.

At 8:33 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Never again.


It's okay. We all have our moments.


You mean I can just go out and buy those? I don't need any kind of special permit?


Suit yourself. I am not the glamorous type. It's too much commitment for me.


Damn glittery belt.

At 8:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


You may not have felt Sexy but you were so YAY! I mean isn't it obvious that the pants wanted to be with so much that they couldn't let go?! That's assuming that clothes sometimes have feelings about who wear them. We all know Paris Hilton's clothes have no taste at all....

At 8:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pics? ;)


At 9:08 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

Your EMT fantasy is obviously flawed.

See, you can wear ANYTHING on the outside - although something a few sizes too small does help.

what's important is the 1 size too small, black lace push up bra underneath - with the matching black lace panties.

see... when they cut, everything looks like it's bursting out and you're already all breathy and stuff and..

well, anyway, um, there's a flaw.

At 9:16 AM, Blogger C said...

Well if you had to sweat in the dressing room then I think they should at least throw in a few free items for your humiliation and distress. You could have strained a muscle doing all that tugging.

At 9:20 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Discount, my ass. Excuse me. a$$. They should have GIVEN them to you for pennies since they were obviously defective. Merchants don't stand by their products anymore.

I love jeans. Sometimes I think about how I've been wearing them my whole life, and wonder if I'll ever feel grown up enough to wear other things on a regular basis. Doubt it.

You really need new shoes to go with your new greatass jeans, Mist. Take two pairs and call me in the morning.

At 9:24 AM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

I think the store should have given you the jeans for the emtional suffering caused by their product.

Next time....

At 10:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is America shoulda sued for, for pain and suffering.

At 10:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can I have you glittery belt. You know fags love shiney things...

At 10:53 AM, Blogger melanie said...

or at least give you a functioning belt! I love new jeans! should be a great weekend for you! :giggles:

At 10:55 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Trust me, gold lame is the way forward...


At 12:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

what brand were they? Chastity Belt Denim Co.?? :D

At 12:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had my pants cut off by an EMT once... It didn’t quite live up to my fantasy... My Sprite in my cup holder had spilled all over my seat during impact so I had to keep telling the guy I hadn't peed my pants as he got closer and closer to my warm wet crotch – I am not sure he believed me...

At 12:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had my pants cut off by an EMT once... It didn’t quite live up to my fantasy... My Sprite in my cup holder had spilled all over my seat during impact so I had to keep telling the guy I hadn't peed my pants as he got closer and closer to my warm wet crotch – I am not sure he believed me...

At 1:06 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


My clothes have strong feelings about me. I feel the same about them.


I think I'm going to be featured on


It's really hard to find a push-up bra in a size too small when you wear an A cup. I guess I could wear Band-Aids.


I have pulled lots of muscles tugging. (wink, wink)


I could use a pair of shoes...


I am an emotional wreck from the whole affair.


This is going to increase my drinking and shoe shopping. I plan on talking to my lawyer.


Sold. It's all you. Are you going to use it as gay bait?


I almost asked for another belt, but I was already treading on thin ice. I can be A Lot.


Am I a lame girl? I'll have to shop and get back to you on that.


I love CBD jeans.



At 2:05 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

What a fantastic sales technique! Pair an expensive pair of jeans with a belt that won't disengage--instant sale!

At 4:44 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Clever bastards.

At 9:51 PM, Blogger Nihilistic said...

Can I have the belt??

At 12:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just love your posts. Too damn funny :) And thanks for stopping in at my nightmare. I swear to God, in my next life I want your writing talent and view on life. I'm thinking at this point you should be putting these into a book and getting a publisher. Seriously. David Sedaris does it. You've got great stuff in this blog!

At 9:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

sounds like retail therapy to me.

At 12:18 PM, Blogger Ashley said...

that's so something i would; prance around forever in a good pair of jeans

At 3:38 PM, Blogger fringes said...

First time commenting, so I will try to sound very friendly as I say:

When the jeans come with the belt, do not buy these jeans, no matter how good your butt looks in them. As you discovered, that's just asking for trouble.

Jeans come with belt, no buy.

At 7:28 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I have given the belt to Dallas Dysfunction. He asked first. Plus, how can I resist the request of someone who says that fags love shiny things?


Am basking in your comment. Ahhhhh. Thanks. Have David's publisher call me.


I wish retail therapy came with a $500 deductible.


Exactly. People need to see you when you look fabulous. I feel bad for them if they miss out.

Thanks for coming by.


No need to be gentle with me, although I appreciate it. I try to avoid stuff like that, but the jeans were sooooo good.

Thanks for coming by.

At 7:57 PM, Blogger misanthropster said...

hell, speaking as somebody who works in retail, I just WISH that these were the only dressing room issues we had.

Glad your ass looked good. You should have gotten a bigger discount by threatening to sue for emotional distress.

At 8:55 PM, Blogger ~TVS said...

Very funnt post. And informative. A man can never know too many ways to get a woman out of her pants.

At 10:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you definitely need to shoes to make up for this trauma...

At 7:05 AM, Blogger Dan said...

HA HA! This one was very funny ... much better than ... er ... as funny as all the others. ;)

By the way, please refrain from further imagery of hot little asses in tight blue jeans. I can't take it. I start panting (no pun intended). Hot girls in tight jeans just ... dribble ... where's the Kleenex? Just a second, I have to wipe up the keyboard.


OK, that's better.

At 8:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did you get the discount? I'm thinking an additional gift card for the pain and suffering, too.

At 8:55 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I will have to consult with you about how to get a bigger discount. You probably have some good tips.


Get some utility scissors.

Thanks for coming by again. It's been awhile.


You should see the boots I got to make up for this. Knee high. Incredible.


I think that's a first for me. I've made people spit out their morning coffee before, but this one is new. Marking it on my calendar.


I guess I didn't haggle as well as I should have.

At 10:01 AM, Blogger Darlene said...

Well, why wouldn't you? I mean, you're buying defective a$$ jeans - the belt was broken.

At 12:00 PM, Blogger BionicBuddha said...

Nice work, to negotiate the you can get the drinks yourself...or better yet just go to the bar and let the legions of a$$ admirers, buy you one ;)

At 12:02 PM, Blogger BionicBuddha said...

Great negotiating skillz on the you can go and get the drink yourself. Or better yet, just go the bar and allow one of the your many "a$$ admirers" buy you one ;)

At 12:58 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


That's what I'm sayin'.


The money I saved has been applied to shoes. A$$ admirers will have to support my wine habit.

At 1:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

There's a couple of things here. With the new thigh high boots, why would you wear jeans? Short shorts! And Echo Mouse has a publisher for you. Once you publish this, you can get the jeans custom made. They will always be a$$ perfect for you. I can only hope you'll remember me, and keep my anal beads in a safe place, PLEASE.

At 1:19 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Custom jeans. Heaven. I once had a pair of leather pants custom made for me by a woman who made leather clothing for the Hell's Angels. I felt bada$$, which is good.

At 6:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, a problem has occurred, see you said bada$$, and I immediately felt both frontal lobes shorting out, and then the arcing through memory started, and that's how the fire started in my family room, and that's how I ended up here in this emergency room where this intern is typing this message. Bada$$ generates more cognitive dissonance than I can handle. Can we try something else, please.

At 6:15 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I could try photos...

At 8:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let's go back to the custom fitted short shorts and the great a$$. I should be OK as soon as the new circuit boards get here from Ingram Micro. And the new CPUs. And the new high speed memory. And the new peripheral devices with the high speed I/O!

At 9:06 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I need custom fitted shorts! How have I lived this long without them?

At 5:21 AM, Blogger Dan said...

I think that's a first for me. I've made people spit out their morning coffee before, but this one is new. Marking it on my calendar.

HA! HA! I wonder if my "dribble" was misconstrued? ;) It was meant to be spittle (from the mouth).

At 5:40 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Can't you let a girl dream?

At 9:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dreamin' dreamin' dreamin' dreamin'
dreamin' is the thing to do.....

At 9:37 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Which reminds me, I have completely missed my mid-morning nap.

At 1:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Could be worse. I had a friend who used to work at The Gap. She once had to cut a pair of jeans off a lady in the fitting room. Apparently the lady figured that if she could squeeze herself into a pair of pants that were half of her intended size, she'd be able to squeeze back out of them. Not so.

At 2:01 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


You are kidding me. Did she have to buy them?

Thanks for coming by.

At 2:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not kidding. I think they didn't make her pay for them out of pity.

Can you imagine the embarrassment?

Almost as embarrassing as the time when a lady came into Pier 1 (where I worked at the time), knocked over a whole shelf of oil bread dipping thingies and soaked herself from head to toe with oil. She left the store wearing a chenille throw.

But I digress...

At 4:50 PM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

My new girlie sells shoes - she cal seel upwards of 7k in shoes a day, I still don't understand the fasination. And oh my, to be a fly on the wall when this little jean snaffoo happened.

At 9:50 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I think that was me.


My online crush is dashed...what shoe company does she work for?

At 9:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


At 6:09 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Confession: I drool just a little bit when I sleep. But still, I look like such an angel when I'm sleeping.

At 12:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Me too, I prefer sticking a woman in my mouth when I do.

At 12:14 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


And that, is where we differ.

At 6:21 PM, Blogger Barb said...

I would never want another look at my fat ass in a mirror lol!

At 6:59 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Never talk about your ass like that. Fat asses are the new black. They are very in. I am eating up to four meals a day to grow one.

At 1:17 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

There is no way this is a true story, just no way.. please say it isn't so! PLEASE!

At 1:21 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Aaww, you will forever remain my online fantasy. Its the way you move your hips, lips and martini glass.

As for the company she works for, I don't approve of you knowing due to the pranks and cruel antics you put poor, innocent people like me through.

And besides, shes imaginary, you know. Thats my story and I'm sticking to it..

At 8:00 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I love to shop.

At 8:13 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

Also, I am happy to know that I remain your online fantasy. I was feeling jealous.

At 2:27 PM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Son of a bitch! There is no way this is a true story, just no way.. please say it isn't so! PLEASE! This comment was meant for your trailer park date. Freakin' blogger, I hate choo!

At 2:59 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I post my trailer park trash, just because I know how much you adore it.

At 10:06 PM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Thats win-win!

At 10:53 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I do what I can.


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"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut

Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA

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