To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Poof! You're Divorced


I am the Divorce Fairy.

My friend has a pornstar keychain. It's called the G-Spot keychain. When the button (G-Spot) is pushed, a woman's voice screams, "Yeah, oh yeah! Right there! Oh, Baby! Ohhhh..."

It's a little disturbing; especially when I answer the phone in the middle of the night and am subjected to a woman screaming "yeah, oh yeah..." That's my line, b*tch.

That's when I had one of my moments of inspiration. My friend works an unusual shift, so I got dressed and headed down to his place of business. His place of business happens to be a firehouse, so when I say I got dressed, I mean that I put on my garter belt and thigh-highs and left the house.

With the assistance of my friend, I crept into the room where all the firefighters sleep. After several moments of fantasy (read: masturbation), I snatched the cell phone of the rookie.

I scrolled through his phone book, until I found "Home."

I called his wife.

When she picked up, I pushed the G-Spot button. The keychain moaned. And groaned. "Right there! Oh G*d yeah, right there!"

At the end of the four minute orgasm, I hung up. I did a gratuitous slide down the pole and I left.

Poor bastard. He is in for a world of sh*t.

Mist 1


71 Comments:

At 11:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ohhh, you're lovely, but you can be so mean! But maybe it's his wife's voice that he recorded on his G-spot keychain? And I hope there's a similar keychain designed for women! ;-)

 
At 11:51 PM, Anonymous the ceo said...

1
Did you receive my renewal and subscription check to Friends Of Mist yet? Please make sure to let me know that my subscription is current!

 
At 1:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know I shouldn't laugh but I can't help myself!

 
At 2:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If he's a gay fireman, this could be the funniest thing you've done yet?

Or you just killed his Mom, which is still funny.

 
At 4:18 AM, Blogger Umar Pirzada said...

hilarious gadget!!! wouldnt come on the use you made of it...but CREATIVITY!!!

 
At 4:38 AM, Blogger Crankster said...

Way to loose some serious evil into the world. I'm surprised you didn't do this to your friend!

 
At 5:08 AM, Blogger mrsmogul said...

You really did that? Go to the firehouse?

I think the keychain is cute in a novelty kind of way though I wouldn't have one. G -Spot! WHo thoght of that? And what does the G stand for??

 
At 5:19 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

lizza,

I am awful.

0,

It looks like you might be past due on your bill. You may want to renew.

shadow,

It's okay to go ahead and laugh.

vince,

Oh, the possibilities are endless.

umar,

I am nothing if not creative.

Thanks for coming by.

crank,

I do what I can for evil.

mogul,

G stands for Goodies.

 
At 5:57 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

That's some funny stuff. I'm going to be watching my "recently dialed numbers" very closely from now on.

 
At 6:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I haven't pissed you off lately ,it? And you don't know where I live, right? Right?!?

 
At 6:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Perfectly lovely wickedness, Mist. I may have to steal that. :)

 
At 6:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is that true?? I sure hope it was!!!

 
At 6:22 AM, Blogger Miranda said...

LMAO...too funny.

 
At 6:36 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Ok, so let me get this straight: you were in a room full of dozing firemen, dressed in minxy attire, at night, and all you did was press the button on a keyring?!

Mate, you are far more restrained than I could ever be...

Puss

 
At 7:08 AM, Blogger Tug said...

So with just thigh highs on, did sliding down the pole give you 'pole-burns'?

 
At 7:19 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

I am bowing down before the goddess that is Mist......I can only hope to live in your shadow...

 
At 7:22 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nwjr,

Any unusual calls lately?

ctw,

I never act in revenge. Although, staying on my good side is an excellent start.

karma,

All rights reserved.

barb,

All of this happened, more or less.

K. Vonnegut

miranda,

I'm sure they will look back at this moment and laugh too.

puss,

I can't tell you all of my escapades...can I?

tug,

A little raspberry on my inner thighs. But, it was worth it.

 
At 7:23 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

cheeky,

You may kiss the ring.

 
At 7:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahhh, Mist1. You should try writing fiction.

 
At 7:28 AM, Blogger Natalia said...

The pole slide is never gratuitous. I am considering having on installed in my condo. I live on the third floor and I reckon it would save me time and give me a little good morning tickle... Damn I feel dirty already.

-N

 
At 7:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You probably called his mother.

 
At 7:40 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

Okay, I made pole part up. So?

I hope his mother has a strong heart.

natalia,

Warning: If you install a pole, I will invite myself over every night. I think I may have a career in pole dancing, but I need some practice first.

 
At 7:47 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Of course you can. I wouldn't tell. Promise. And I already have a pole in my house so you can practise as much as you like when you next visit. In my experience, firemen's poles are somewhat fatter than dancing poles, making them easier to sit on but harder to spin around.

Nuff said.

Puss

 
At 7:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aww Come on Misty,

Even you're not that malicious of a Faerie.
Stay away from my title: The Malcious Pixie.
Dammit I'm Malicious (in a good way) and Cute enough to pull it off - so Bounce up off my tricks. *smiles*
-Back to your regularly scheduled Orgasm keychain broadcast-

 
At 7:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh that was sooooo mean! (Funny but mean!) I wish I could think of things like that!

 
At 8:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It'll be interesting seeing how that fire gets put out!

 
At 8:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love sliding down big poles. I try to do it as often as possible. I don't recommend wood ones. they hurt.

 
At 8:35 AM, Blogger saurabh said...

I want to know this: where did that fairy get her thong panties and fancy shoes? Is there a bunch of gnomes somewhere, laboring away in a murky dungeon sweatshop with a whip-cracking goblin overseer watching their every move, toiling away at making luxury items for well-heeled forest denizens?

 
At 8:37 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

You're right the firemen were easy to sit on.

mayren,

Is the whole faerie/fairy thing like shoppe/shop?

mike,

I am known for my random acts of kindness and goodwill.

Thanks for coming by.

michael

Hahaha.

dallas,

Ouch. Splinters suck.

 
At 8:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

how deliciously EVIL! :D

 
At 8:54 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I hope you never have a house fire. It could take them hours to get there.

 
At 8:57 AM, Blogger Killer said...

The wife might know it is not true, if the only G spot button he can find is on that keychain. She would probably be the most likely to know he can not illicit those sounds authentically.

 
At 9:06 AM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

My birthday is coming up.

I'm gonna ask for one of those keychains.

It'll come in handy when I need to clear the aisle in church.

 
At 9:17 AM, Blogger 123Valerie said...

I'm so confused. No clever comment here today. Are you sleeping with this friend? Do you hate his wife? I don't get it.

I do, however, like the thigh high and pole combination. I've gotta run to Skeeter's House of Boobies now.

 
At 9:22 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

saurabh,

I think she got them at Wal-Mart. But your version sounds better.

miztris,

I do what I can to spread the hate.

heart,

Don't worry, I don't cook.

killer,

You are the voice of reason here today. So very wise.

pissy,

I usually ask for a real orgasm for my birthday.

123,

Send me a catalog from Skeeter's.

 
At 9:23 AM, Anonymous Drib said...

Ah Mist....I'm appluading you this very moment.

This dude's wife...what she look like?

 
At 9:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're kind of a jerk...and I think that's why I like you so damn much. ;)

Steve~

 
At 9:46 AM, Blogger melanie said...

ah, you wouldn't really do that! although i do agree with the inspirational idea part.

oh, and sliding down the pole.

;-)

 
At 10:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I did the same thing last week, only it wasn't a firehouse. It was pretty much just my living room. And when I called, it was to a stranger.

 
At 10:33 AM, Blogger fringes said...

You're funny and very naughty. I wonder how the rookie wound up explaining that call.

 
At 11:08 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

drib,

Please hold your applause until the end. Thanks. As for his wife, she looks angry.

steven,

That is the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day. I will remember it for as long as I can.

melanie,

I am an Ideas Person. Also, I am not really a People Person.

matt,

We are so alike. Except that you have a pole in your living room. Which is really, really cool.

fringes,

Probably with flowers.

 
At 11:24 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

Did you take the keychain with you when you left? I can just imagine him trying to prove his innocence without having the keychain to show as evidence.

 
At 11:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh my god sliding down a firehouse pole in nothing but garters and thigh highs must hurt like a bitch!

 
At 11:54 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

velvet,

I'm not trying to hang the man, just have a little fun.

yasamin,

Minor burns. Slight bruise on the ego.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 12:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Damn...one wonders what you might do to an enemy.

 
At 12:28 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

lee,

This is how I show affection.

 
At 1:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmmm...let's cancel that "experimental" make-out session then?

 
At 1:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I just signed up for the affection plan

 
At 2:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

yeah i dont have to have a firehouse pole to get those burns *cries*

 
At 3:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

yes Faerie/fairy is like shoppe/shop and Magic/Magick.
Very perceptive of you Vixen-Pixie Mist... Nah i just like Vixen for you. Suits you well (specially wearing high-heel calf skin knee boots and a come-hither smile)

 
At 3:36 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

lee,

Damn. I've been practicing my patented tongue down the throat thing.

0,

Hello, big spender!

 
At 4:13 PM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

And by "friend" do you mean crazy-married-ex-boyfriend? Because that's what I would mean.

 
At 4:52 PM, Blogger Nihilistic said...

Does it come with boy voices?

 
At 5:18 PM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

I'm all caught up on your blog! Can't think of anything witty to say except that I've gotta go watch Dancing with the Stars finale now! LoL

Thanks for visiting me and your kind words while I was AWOL with Ferg.

Kisses to you and Kitty.

 
At 6:08 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

yasamin,

You have to get one. You simply must.

mayren,

I have to work on my come hither smile. I have a tendency to cross my eyes.

wg,

When I talk about the crazy-married-ex-boyfriend, I use the term, "homicidal maniac."

nihilistic,

I think I heard an "Oh, sh*t" in a male voice.

icl,

Of course. Iss and I adore kisses.

 
At 6:17 PM, Anonymous the Laughorist said...

Instead of a "gratuitous slide down the pole," you could've at least indulged in one teeny tiny pole dance for the boys.

word verification = oksixic = in agreement with the Beast of the Apocalypse??

 
At 6:48 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

laugh,

I would have pole danced except for the fact that when I try to be sexy, it comes out all wrong.

The end is nigh.

 
At 7:11 PM, Blogger Darlene said...

Oh. My. God. rofl

where does one find those keychains? You should start a little mail-order business...

 
At 9:27 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

darlene,

Check out your local sex shop. They've got everything.

 
At 1:36 AM, Blogger The Naked Nerd said...

LOL Mist you're so bad... Can you get any badder, at faucking with people I mean? Not likely! You're the Queen of torment, I don't know if that's good or bad, but it's sure funny as fecal matter. ;)

 
At 5:28 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nerd,

The Queen of Torment.

I like the way that sounds.

 
At 10:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow. we shld combine our super-powers and take over the woild.

 
At 5:17 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

brooklyn,

You can be the brain of the operation. I want to have the cool outfit.

 
At 6:59 PM, Blogger anastasia said...

Did your legs burn going down the pole? I've always wanted to do that. I have to tell you again, you crack me up!!!

 
At 8:39 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

anastasia,

I think I left some skin up there.

 
At 1:18 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

OMG, so mean!

 
At 8:01 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

orhan,

Am not getting into heaven any time soon.

 
At 2:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow, now THATS classic! BRutal, mean, WOW,,,,,,,but classic

BD

 
At 3:00 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

donkey,

That pretty much sums me up. Brutal, mean, and classic.

 
At 11:30 AM, Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

COLD!

 
At 3:40 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

maven,

Is that good? Is that like the new HOT?

 

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Name: Mist1
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