How Did You Get My Number?
I need to call my dad. It seems that he has been giving out my phone number again. All you have to do is say, "I went to high school with Mist," and before you know it, you have my phone number.I think Dad should guard my phone number like an email password. There should be a secret question. What was my first pet's name? Last four digits of my Social Security Number? Mother's maiden name? Boxers or briefs? Something. He can't just keep giving it out.
Lloyd called me last night. I feel comfortable using his real name because he doesn't know how to read, so the risk of him finding this blog and being able to comprehend it, is one I'm willing to take.
I didn't recognize the phone number, but it had the magic area code. I always answer calls from that area code.
I knew it was Lloyd instantly. "Irregardless of everything that happened, I still think about you." No one else that I know uses the word "irregardless."
"Lloyd," I said, "it's regardless."
"That too," he replied.
We talked for a bit. Lloyd remembers things a little differently than I do. Lloyd remembers how I stuck my tongue down his throat. It's my signature move.
I remember our first date. In the car, he told me about his seven year old son and daughter. "Oooh, twins" I cooed. "Naw. Two weeks apart." We went to a trendy bar. I ordered a dirty martini. He ordered a Miller Genuine Draft. He commented that he had never acquired a taste for dirty martinis. I replied that I had never acquired a taste for MGD.
"It's not my first choice," he said.
"What's your preference?"
"Breast milk."
I wish I could say that I never saw him again. I believe in second chances.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:09 AM
56 Comments:
1
I always knew that you had the milk of human kindness flowing through your veins.
I'm so glad I'm not straight sometimes...
Was his mama waiting up for his 2 o'clock feeding?
And you believe in second chances irregardless?
All ur blogs are usually SAD in a funny way...no offence...
Breast milk? I think I'm going to be ill
Well, you're not single cause you're too discerning...must be your annoying use of "regardless" instead of "irregardless"!
It's no wonder he didn't have your number in the first place! That Lloyd is a smoooooooooth talker.
Lloyd is certenly a charmer. Nothing more exciting than breast milk, 'cept maybe having your nutsack tasered. Sorry, too extreme?
Wait, what? For him to say breast milk that would mean he's tried it and some woman has let him. Did he go straight to the source or steal it from a baby? Or was it part of some kinky sex act?
Lordie, lord, lord. I don't know what to believe anymore. Blue is suddenly red and red is suddenly orange. And so on, and so forth.
(Yes, I'm tired and slightly deliusional and kind of forgot I was even typing for a moment there. If you got this far into the comment then I congratulate you. You deserve a cookie!)
I hope you gave him Lactacia's number...
Puss
thankfully my dad does not even know my mobile number. I only ever ring him on it when I'm out and he's drunk so he never remembers it. :-)
Lloyd must be a nice guy. He still hung out with you although you have no breast milk to offer him.
And MENSA let this one get away? Wow. Truly a mistake on their part.
Dingdingdingdingding! You've got a winner there!
First?
Damn!
He would've had me at "breast milk" too...
Raising a can of Old Milwauke to some Thanksgiving lovin'
Signature move. Love it. Like my signature scent. Oh and I hate when people think irregardless is a word. Happy Thanksgiving!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
um.....yeah...wow, I don't even know where to start.
I'll just sit here shaking my head.
funny thing, I just got to work (11:26am) since I had a doctor's apntmnt, and the first thing I did as I turned my pc on was come and check out your daily post.
It's always the highlight of my day.
Even when it turns out to be about Lloyd's liking for breast milk :S
0,
Blech.
nihilistic,
Do you want me to pass your number on to Lloyd?
hearts,
Am pictuing myself whipping out a nip and shouting "Who's your mama?!"
Have to throw up now.
umar,
I have a sad, funny life.
shadow,
C'mon, everyone likes breast milk.
spoon,
Me? Annoying? No one has ever told me that before.
wg,
He also sings. That's a real treat.
orhan,
Nutsack tasering is right in line with the general theme of this blog.
I had no idea that you are so poetic.
puss,
I'll be taking him to that strip club after Thanksgiving dinner.
ghost,
When I call my dad from my cell phone, he yells into the phone loudly to make sure that I can hear him.
venge,
Isn't there some kind of hormone therapy that I can get on to make me lactate? I want us to last.
ctw,
MENSA should sell human breast milk cheese. They'd make a killing.
lee,
I think that every time.
pissy,
What is it about him that is so alluring? I cannot resist.
neil,
No problem. Please replace the $0.48 when you are able.
margaret,
I believe the company prefers to be referred to as Mature Milwauke. It's a political correctness thing.
maiden,
What do you smell like?
nattie,
I have never been the highlight on anyone's day before. I have highlighted my hair.
Oh my God, my former boss used to say "irregardless" - it used to drive me insane.
I think we all have those 'special needs' former boyfriends that we would like to forget. However, I'm surprised that Lloyd's still single with a come-on line like the breast milk one. I would think someone would have snatched him up by now.
darlene,
Girls are turned off by the word irregardless.
You have a charitable heart.
DOWN WITH IRREGARDLESS!
It's a word to be stricken from the books forever by the law of Mist.
I like ya Misty but a guy who drinks Breast Milk is too much for me to handle. I think i'm gonna throw up now.
av,
Shhh. Don't let that get out. I've got a rep.
fringes,
Sometimes, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I need to change my associations.
mayren,
So, you don't like breast milk or the word irregardless?
So YOU'RE "The One" my husband is always gushing about.
You should lay off him a bit. The twins have grown up quite nicely.
wow. isnt it amazing how small the freakin world is? you should have told him that you were married to the sea. or that you were not a les but you would try to be now. or that you didnt want to kill him but you could and would. or that your really a man. or that you were terminally ill and that he was just killing you faster.
the list goes on and on honey. we all make mistakes. its like the sweet guy i met who smiled and looked like freakin smeagal's grin. it was horrible. i ran for my life. he called me a bitch. i told him i was married to the sea. hahahaha
You said breast milk and never heard from him again?
What a freak.
Not you...him. ;)
Steve~
britt,
Look, tell him to stop calling my dad.
yasamin,
Not even the sea would marry me.
steven,
They always call back.
Curses! I can't get in using my blogger beta sign-on! I'll have to try this way ...
I've gotta' know ... did Lloyd try to sound all suave and deboner when stating that preference?
The James Bond line comes to mind ...
Jiggled, not stirred.
kev,
I feel all disturbed now.
Disturbed?
No need to thank me. Just doing my duty, ma'am.
(Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah!)
Wishing you are yours and very Happy Thanksgiving.
Couldn't milk the relationship any more than it was worth?
maiden,
Me too. Dior?
kev,
Much appreciated.
skittles,
Thanks. Same to you.
lizza,
Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.
So? you saw him again??? And???
Everyone deserves a second chance...in this case, you are too kind!!!
fringes,
I bet he says orientated.
odat,
I stuck my tongue down his throat, of course.
meg,
Kindness is my weakness.
what is it with dad's always wanting to get people to contact thier daughters?! At least your dad has to be asked for your number before he gives it out. My dad just can't get enough people to call me. Maybe my father secretly hates me and is hoping one day the AX MURDERER will get me;P
I think it's time you send him to visit ms. lactacia....
Men's Room Wall:
For a good time, call Mist1's dad: 555.5555.
mist: My former boss was a girl - and she was retarded.
So he gets drunk off breast milk? I guess if the woman drinks enough... ok, I'm just gonna stop right there.
kris,
It's never too late for family therapy. Unless of course, he's already found the axe murderer. Then it's too late.
claudia,
What do you think we're doing this weekend?
matt,
Thanks for not posting his prefix.
darlene,
Maybe I was your former boss.
babs,
Serenity now! Serenity now!
mist: nah - she wouldn't have the intelligence to do a blog - let alone entertain people.
404? 770? 678? 307? 617? 312?
Give me a hint.
"I feel comfortable using his real name because he doesn't know how to read,"
I love it!!
And misCHEEVious. I bet he says mischeevious, too, along with orientated and irregardless.
Oh, no. I think I went out with him back in the day. He was a scumbag in nice guy's clothing. I prefer my scumbags to be upfront about their scumbagness.
6'2". Space between his front teeth. Easily consoled with beer when the breast milk had someone else's name on it. Spells his own name Loyd. Do I have the right dude?
Irregardless...ugh. You just nailed one of my pet peeves. It's right up there with expresso and expecially.
darlene,
Good. I didn't want to have to apologize for how I conducted myself.
kiyotoe,
You might know my area code, but the magic one is from my home town.
barry,
I rarely choose men for their brain power.
Thanks for coming by.
hearts,
Damn, we'd better compare Little Black Books.
crank,
I expecially hate expresso too. I also hate I-talian dressing.
You know how to pick 'em!!!
You went on your first date in high school with him and he already had two 7 year old kids?
Don't worry, I usually am this confused.
karmyn,
It's a curse, not a gift.
icl,
He's older than I am.
anastasia,
He is a fortunate man.
the magic area code... how many frogs have you kissed from that kingdom?
melanie,
Including the neighboring subarbs?
Bbbbbreast milk?
GACK!
maven,
C'mon, nothing wrong with a little breast milk to spice things up.
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