To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Wednesday, November 22, 2006

How Did You Get My Number?


I need to call my dad. It seems that he has been giving out my phone number again. All you have to do is say, "I went to high school with Mist," and before you know it, you have my phone number.

I think Dad should guard my phone number like an email password. There should be a secret question. What was my first pet's name? Last four digits of my Social Security Number? Mother's maiden name? Boxers or briefs? Something. He can't just keep giving it out.

Lloyd called me last night. I feel comfortable using his real name because he doesn't know how to read, so the risk of him finding this blog and being able to comprehend it, is one I'm willing to take.

I didn't recognize the phone number, but it had the magic area code. I always answer calls from that area code.

I knew it was Lloyd instantly. "Irregardless of everything that happened, I still think about you." No one else that I know uses the word "irregardless."

"Lloyd," I said, "it's regardless."

"That too," he replied.

We talked for a bit. Lloyd remembers things a little differently than I do. Lloyd remembers how I stuck my tongue down his throat. It's my signature move.

I remember our first date. In the car, he told me about his seven year old son and daughter. "Oooh, twins" I cooed. "Naw. Two weeks apart." We went to a trendy bar. I ordered a dirty martini. He ordered a Miller Genuine Draft. He commented that he had never acquired a taste for dirty martinis. I replied that I had never acquired a taste for MGD.

"It's not my first choice," he said.

"What's your preference?"

"Breast milk."

I wish I could say that I never saw him again. I believe in second chances.

Mist 1


61 Comments:

At 10:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I always knew that you had the milk of human kindness flowing through your veins.

 
At 10:59 PM, Blogger Nihilistic said...

I'm so glad I'm not straight sometimes...

 
At 11:36 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Was his mama waiting up for his 2 o'clock feeding?

And you believe in second chances irregardless?

 
At 12:02 AM, Blogger Umar Pirzada said...

All ur blogs are usually SAD in a funny way...no offence...

 
At 1:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Breast milk? I think I'm going to be ill

 
At 1:42 AM, Blogger spoon said...

Well, you're not single cause you're too discerning...must be your annoying use of "regardless" instead of "irregardless"!

 
At 3:31 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

It's no wonder he didn't have your number in the first place! That Lloyd is a smoooooooooth talker.

 
At 3:47 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Lloyd is certenly a charmer. Nothing more exciting than breast milk, 'cept maybe having your nutsack tasered. Sorry, too extreme?

Wait, what? For him to say breast milk that would mean he's tried it and some woman has let him. Did he go straight to the source or steal it from a baby? Or was it part of some kinky sex act?

Lordie, lord, lord. I don't know what to believe anymore. Blue is suddenly red and red is suddenly orange. And so on, and so forth.

(Yes, I'm tired and slightly deliusional and kind of forgot I was even typing for a moment there. If you got this far into the comment then I congratulate you. You deserve a cookie!)

 
At 4:06 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

I hope you gave him Lactacia's number...

Puss

 
At 4:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

thankfully my dad does not even know my mobile number. I only ever ring him on it when I'm out and he's drunk so he never remembers it. :-)

 
At 4:32 AM, Blogger Vengelyne said...

Lloyd must be a nice guy. He still hung out with you although you have no breast milk to offer him.

 
At 5:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

And MENSA let this one get away? Wow. Truly a mistake on their part.

 
At 5:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dingdingdingdingding! You've got a winner there!

 
At 6:28 AM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

First?

Damn!

He would've had me at "breast milk" too...

 
At 6:43 AM, Blogger Neil said...

Please thank your Dad for giving me your bank account info on the phone last night!

 
At 7:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Raising a can of Old Milwauke to some Thanksgiving lovin'

 
At 7:06 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

Signature move. Love it. Like my signature scent. Oh and I hate when people think irregardless is a word. Happy Thanksgiving!

 
At 7:39 AM, Blogger Nattie said...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

um.....yeah...wow, I don't even know where to start.

I'll just sit here shaking my head.

funny thing, I just got to work (11:26am) since I had a doctor's apntmnt, and the first thing I did as I turned my pc on was come and check out your daily post.
It's always the highlight of my day.
Even when it turns out to be about Lloyd's liking for breast milk :S

 
At 7:51 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Blech.

nihilistic,

Do you want me to pass your number on to Lloyd?

hearts,

Am pictuing myself whipping out a nip and shouting "Who's your mama?!"

Have to throw up now.

umar,

I have a sad, funny life.

shadow,

C'mon, everyone likes breast milk.

spoon,

Me? Annoying? No one has ever told me that before.

wg,

He also sings. That's a real treat.

orhan,

Nutsack tasering is right in line with the general theme of this blog.

I had no idea that you are so poetic.

puss,

I'll be taking him to that strip club after Thanksgiving dinner.

ghost,

When I call my dad from my cell phone, he yells into the phone loudly to make sure that I can hear him.

venge,

Isn't there some kind of hormone therapy that I can get on to make me lactate? I want us to last.

ctw,

MENSA should sell human breast milk cheese. They'd make a killing.

lee,

I think that every time.

pissy,

What is it about him that is so alluring? I cannot resist.

neil,

No problem. Please replace the $0.48 when you are able.

margaret,

I believe the company prefers to be referred to as Mature Milwauke. It's a political correctness thing.

maiden,

What do you smell like?

nattie,

I have never been the highlight on anyone's day before. I have highlighted my hair.

 
At 7:53 AM, Blogger Darlene said...

Oh my God, my former boss used to say "irregardless" - it used to drive me insane.
I think we all have those 'special needs' former boyfriends that we would like to forget. However, I'm surprised that Lloyd's still single with a come-on line like the breast milk one. I would think someone would have snatched him up by now.

 
At 7:54 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

darlene,

Girls are turned off by the word irregardless.

 
At 7:59 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

You have a charitable heart.

 
At 8:08 AM, Blogger fringes said...

I don't know what to say. This post was so funny and so sad at the same time.

Lactacia's phone number...hilarious, glamourpuss.

 
At 8:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

DOWN WITH IRREGARDLESS!

It's a word to be stricken from the books forever by the law of Mist.

I like ya Misty but a guy who drinks Breast Milk is too much for me to handle. I think i'm gonna throw up now.

 
At 8:25 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

av,

Shhh. Don't let that get out. I've got a rep.

fringes,

Sometimes, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I need to change my associations.

mayren,

So, you don't like breast milk or the word irregardless?

 
At 8:37 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

So YOU'RE "The One" my husband is always gushing about.

You should lay off him a bit. The twins have grown up quite nicely.

 
At 9:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow. isnt it amazing how small the freakin world is? you should have told him that you were married to the sea. or that you were not a les but you would try to be now. or that you didnt want to kill him but you could and would. or that your really a man. or that you were terminally ill and that he was just killing you faster.

the list goes on and on honey. we all make mistakes. its like the sweet guy i met who smiled and looked like freakin smeagal's grin. it was horrible. i ran for my life. he called me a bitch. i told him i was married to the sea. hahahaha

 
At 9:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You said breast milk and never heard from him again?

What a freak.

Not you...him. ;)

Steve~

 
At 9:09 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

britt,

Look, tell him to stop calling my dad.

yasamin,

Not even the sea would marry me.

steven,

They always call back.

 
At 9:33 AM, Anonymous Kev said...

Curses! I can't get in using my blogger beta sign-on! I'll have to try this way ...

I've gotta' know ... did Lloyd try to sound all suave and deboner when stating that preference?

The James Bond line comes to mind ...

Jiggled, not stirred.

 
At 9:36 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kev,

I feel all disturbed now.

 
At 9:46 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

I smell like ass, errrr...I meant class.

 
At 10:28 AM, Anonymous Kev said...

Disturbed?

No need to thank me. Just doing my duty, ma'am.

(Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah!)

 
At 10:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wishing you are yours and very Happy Thanksgiving.

 
At 11:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Couldn't milk the relationship any more than it was worth?

 
At 11:39 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

maiden,

Me too. Dior?

kev,

Much appreciated.

skittles,

Thanks. Same to you.

lizza,

Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.

 
At 12:00 PM, Blogger fringes said...

If he uses the word irregardless, he also uses the word conversate. Please run.

 
At 12:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So? you saw him again??? And???

 
At 1:03 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Everyone deserves a second chance...in this case, you are too kind!!!

 
At 1:06 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

fringes,

I bet he says orientated.

odat,

I stuck my tongue down his throat, of course.

meg,

Kindness is my weakness.

 
At 1:25 PM, Blogger kris said...

what is it with dad's always wanting to get people to contact thier daughters?! At least your dad has to be asked for your number before he gives it out. My dad just can't get enough people to call me. Maybe my father secretly hates me and is hoping one day the AX MURDERER will get me;P

 
At 2:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think it's time you send him to visit ms. lactacia....

 
At 3:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Men's Room Wall:

For a good time, call Mist1's dad: 555.5555.

 
At 3:20 PM, Blogger Darlene said...

mist: My former boss was a girl - and she was retarded.

 
At 4:30 PM, Blogger Babs said...

So he gets drunk off breast milk? I guess if the woman drinks enough... ok, I'm just gonna stop right there.

 
At 4:35 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

kris,

It's never too late for family therapy. Unless of course, he's already found the axe murderer. Then it's too late.

claudia,

What do you think we're doing this weekend?

matt,

Thanks for not posting his prefix.

darlene,

Maybe I was your former boss.

babs,

Serenity now! Serenity now!

 
At 7:21 PM, Blogger Darlene said...

mist: nah - she wouldn't have the intelligence to do a blog - let alone entertain people.

 
At 7:58 PM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

404? 770? 678? 307? 617? 312?

Give me a hint.

 
At 8:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I feel comfortable using his real name because he doesn't know how to read,"

I love it!!

 
At 8:53 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

And misCHEEVious. I bet he says mischeevious, too, along with orientated and irregardless.

Oh, no. I think I went out with him back in the day. He was a scumbag in nice guy's clothing. I prefer my scumbags to be upfront about their scumbagness.

6'2". Space between his front teeth. Easily consoled with beer when the breast milk had someone else's name on it. Spells his own name Loyd. Do I have the right dude?

 
At 9:11 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

Irregardless...ugh. You just nailed one of my pet peeves. It's right up there with expresso and expecially.

 
At 9:23 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

darlene,

Good. I didn't want to have to apologize for how I conducted myself.

kiyotoe,

You might know my area code, but the magic one is from my home town.

barry,

I rarely choose men for their brain power.

Thanks for coming by.

hearts,

Damn, we'd better compare Little Black Books.

crank,

I expecially hate expresso too. I also hate I-talian dressing.

 
At 12:18 AM, Blogger Karmyn R said...

You know how to pick 'em!!!

 
At 4:24 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

You went on your first date in high school with him and he already had two 7 year old kids?

Don't worry, I usually am this confused.

 
At 10:42 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

karmyn,

It's a curse, not a gift.

icl,

He's older than I am.

 
At 6:13 PM, Blogger anastasia said...

Wow, I have to say, I don't know what to say, that would of creeped me out. But, being you have a big heart, lucky for him you belive in second chances huh?

 
At 8:10 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

anastasia,

He is a fortunate man.

 
At 12:35 PM, Blogger melanie said...

the magic area code... how many frogs have you kissed from that kingdom?

 
At 12:50 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

melanie,

Including the neighboring subarbs?

 
At 11:24 AM, Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

Bbbbbreast milk?

GACK!

 
At 3:39 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

maven,

C'mon, nothing wrong with a little breast milk to spice things up.

 

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Name: Mist1
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