To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Thursday, November 30, 2006

Travel Tissue


I was on the phone with Dad last night when I got a bloody nose. There was no warning. Just a funny taste in the back of my throat. I tilted my head back and told Dad that I'd have to call him back.

Dad didn't understand the urgency of the situation. He thought I had a call on my other line. He is opposed to call waiting. "I'm not going to sit here and wait for you to be finished talking to someone more important than Your Father," he said.

"No, Dad...it's not that. I have a nosebleed."

Most people would get off the phone at that point. Dad decided that it was a perfect time to reflect on the Great Nosebleed of 1987.

I grew up in the Tundra. Lots of snow, lakes, casinos, and the Mall of America. Winters were unusally harsh. The air was dry and my father got regular nosebleeds. One winter day, Dad got a nosebleed in the car. Just like mine, it started with no warning.

Dad uses paper towels instead of tissues due to the size of his nose. I'm not sure why he doesn't apply the same logic for toilet paper. I wish I had thought to ask him.

He groped around the back seat for the roll of paper towels. He checked under his seat. Blood dripped down his chin as he swerved into oncoming traffic while reaching under the passenger seat. My sister, strapped in her car seat squealed in delight and clapped.

There were no paper towels.

In fact, there seemed to be nothing absorbant at all in the car. Not even a discarded newspaper. He fished out an empty styrofoam cup from McDonald's and held it under his chin for a moment. The blood trickled through his beard and down his neck, cleverly avoiding the cup.

He threw the cup in disgust and thrust his hand back under the passenger seat. His finger tips met with a small frozen hand towel. He rejoiced and pressed the frozen absorbant cloth to his face.

Gradually, the bleeding stopped and Dad removed the towel from his face. Holding it up in front of him, he realized that it was not a towel, it was a pair of my sister's frozen training pants. My sister squealed in delight and clapped her hands.

It took him 30 minutes to tell me this story. I am still weak from blood loss. AB+ if anyone would like to make a donation.

Mist 1


62 Comments:

At 9:01 PM, Blogger skinnylittleblonde said...

ROTFLMAO...Too, too funny!

 
At 9:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too am a great bleeder of the nostricular area. (I think I just made up a new word)
When I was in Playschool my nose bled so bad I had to get gauze packing shoved up my nose. ..and it was picture day. My school photo that year is hilarious because my nose looks about as wide as my mouth.
Good times.

 
At 9:09 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

Kinda reminds me of that old SNL skit in which Dan Ackroyd played Julia Child with a cut on her finger. Hope your nose is feeling better!

 
At 9:17 PM, Blogger Doug said...

haha, that's the funniest thing I've read today. I would have figured he could have smelled it but then again he probably wasn't breathing through his nose and plus it was really cold out which seems to soften smells sometimes.

 
At 10:10 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

slb,

Oooh, he was so angry at the time.

a. whore,

You are posting this photo, right?

crank,

I would love to see that skit.

doug,

The size of his nose has little to do with his sense of smell.

 
At 12:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hahaha! I would've squealed in delight too if I'd seen that (your dad with training pants pressed to his nose, not you having a nosebleed).

 
At 1:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You poor thing, alas I'm O+ and a few thousand miles away.

Though if you have a nose bleed tilt your head forward and pinch the bridge of your nose, if you tilt you head back you can choke and sufferact. Its very dangerous and I'd hate anything to happen to you, who tell us such funny stories?

 
At 2:28 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

I had a girlfriend who used to get severe nosebleeds, that was until she taught me what hole I was meant to be using. Wasn't as tight as the nosehole. Didn't leave me very impressed.

 
At 3:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That story was the 'dogs', bloody good really.

Vince

 
At 3:46 AM, Blogger Crack La Rock said...

BLOOMINGTON WHAT WHAT! Remember how ever year some Lao and Cambo's would bang in Knottsberry and it actually had its very own climate controled at 73 degreesDeath Toll? 'Member, do ya, the good times?

 
At 4:10 AM, Blogger Umar Pirzada said...

at least you listened to him...maybe thats all he needs at times...someone who listens....and nothing better his own daughter...A GOOD DEED for the DAY!!

 
At 4:23 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

lizza,

My sister remembers the story a little differently. But we don't pay attention to her.

shadow,

I thought tilting my head back and running around bumping into stuff was pretty effective.

orhan,

So, it didn't work out, huh? Chicks.

vince,

Must remember to use that phrase today.

crack,

MOA homies are the craziest.

umar,

So I'm off the hook for like a month, right?

 
At 5:00 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

We had a huge hurricane in '87.

Makes sense now...

Puss

 
At 5:07 AM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

Now that's one thing I can say that I've never done. Had a bloody nose. OR held a pair of training panties to my face.

Whew!

 
At 5:41 AM, Anonymous Kristyn said...

LMAO!!! Okay, in my absence, I have missed your wit! My baby sister (who's actually 18 now) get's nose bleeds all the time, something about the dry desert. I, on the other hand, have never gotten a bloody nose... ever! Why do I feel like I'm missing something?

 
At 5:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had no idea that you were also a Minnesotan. Don't know if you're still here or have left, but you might be interested to know that the monstrosity has plans to enlarge. As though we need a mall that has three Cinnabon vendors.

I, too, am a profuse nose-bleeder, a trait I developed years ago as a wrestler.

I find it useful to call forth the gush during board of director meetings. A little DNA on the monogrammed white shirts of my Chairman always enlivens the proceedings.

Very funny blog. I'd like to hear more family stuff from you.

 
At 5:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had no idea that you were also a Minnesotan. Don't know if you're still here or have left, but you might be interested to know that the monstrosity has plans to enlarge. As though we need a mall that has three Cinnabon vendors.

I, too, am a profuse nose-bleeder, a trait I developed years ago as a wrestler.

I find it useful to call forth the gush during board of director meetings. A little DNA on the monogrammed white shirts of my Chairman always enlivens the proceedings.

Very funny blog. I'd like to hear more family stuff from you.

 
At 5:59 AM, Blogger Nattie said...

ohhhhhhhhh the hilarity.
that's pretty priceless.
where do you come up with this stuff?!!

 
At 6:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

30 minutes to tell that story?

 
At 6:42 AM, Blogger 123Valerie said...

You're from MINNESOTA?

Get the hell out of town. It's a beautiful state, of course, but to know that you share state history with Prince blows my mind.

How would Prince handle a nosebleed? A be-sequined silk scarf is my guess.

 
At 6:42 AM, Blogger J R Estelle said...

My best friend from high school, myself and her dad were in the car. he got a nosebleed, reached over, opened the glovebox, pulled out a tampon and put it up his nose until the bleeding stopped.

 
At 6:51 AM, Anonymous Yasamin Cant Log In said...

lmao! my mom's the same way. once i had to really pee and my mom wouldnt let me go and finally i had to take her with me. she heard me tinkling through the phone and got all indignant about it.
"See? this is what happens when you don't take the hint mom."
"Call me back"
click. lol

 
At 6:53 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

I never ever ever had nosebleeds until I moved to CT in the early 90's (I know, what was I thinking). Now I get them regularly - especially now that I live in the Tundra with Casinos and MOA.......never without a tissue - never!

 
At 7:40 AM, Anonymous Michael C said...

I'm a chronic nose-bleeder (and it's not because I'm a chronic nose-picker, because I'm not...really). When I get one I twist and shove tissue into my nostril. It looks weird, but it stops the bleeding and frees up my hands for typing, cooking and remote control clicking. Try it next time, you might even thank me ;-)

 
At 7:51 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Training pants do indeed have many uses. But let's examine the hygiene issues with leaving used ones in your car.

 
At 7:52 AM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

I like your sister.

 
At 7:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mist,

Just think... now that your parents are getting older, they will want to share all kinds of long stories with you. They feel the need to pass something on from their life so that life wasn't all for nothing.

You've just immortalized his story by posting it. I cannot get back the last 10 minutes of my life that it took to read and respond to your post; therefore I will spread the news about your Father's nosebleed of '87 to make sure someone else suffered along with us.

On a less bright note: I can't seem to find my Vat of AB+ anywhere. Perhaps the local Blood Bank might give you a loan. Just be careful. The interest is pretty steep i hear.
Mebbe it'll even cost ya a leg.

-Mayren

 
At 7:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now that's funny!

Can't beat the absorbancy of those training pants, though.

 
At 7:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry, I'm OPP.

 
At 8:08 AM, Blogger Tug said...

You could always just set the phone down & yell "UH HUH" every once in awhile...

 
At 8:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LMAO! That was the punchline I was waiting for.

Side note, the first sentence, I thought it said "I was on the plane with Dad..." and my mind went off. Oooo, she's a celebrity and she's got her own plane! Ooo, I need to be her friend. No wait, she could be someone I don't like and I can't fake liking her. LOL

 
At 8:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ooh, I got a gusher nosebleed once for no reason while I was driving to work. Took two hours for it to completely stop and they were threatening to send me to the hospital. Like hell. And then they tried to write me up for being late to my job.

 
At 9:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

whoa, back up...

and there were frozen training pants under the seat...why? ;)

 
At 10:25 AM, Blogger saurabh said...

I'm O+ as well - I've put some blood in an old orange-juice bottle. Where do I send it?

 
At 10:33 AM, Blogger STAK said...

O+ here........but i do donate regularly......

that blood is quite clever isn't it.....mine once tricked me into taking it out to a japanese dinner.....afterwards we got a couple of crack whores for dessert.......that clever blood..........

 
At 10:40 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

In the words of the Brits, that was bloody funny stuff.

 
At 10:40 AM, Blogger melanie said...

we are not a match blood type wize...

yea. I would have said, dad... let me get a papertowel, you keep talking. Youre on speakerphone!

giggles.

 
At 10:57 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I'm squealing with delight and clapping my hands.

 
At 11:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
The market crashed in 1987. I guess that explains it, too.

 
At 11:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
You already know I'm AB+....

 
At 11:23 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

This was the best post today by a nose.

 
At 11:30 AM, Blogger Killer said...

Good thing no one spotted the bloody training pants. That is an almost automatic trip to a Child Welfare office.

 
At 11:30 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

I think it had something to due with lunar cycles and gravity and stuff.

kiyotoe,

I can help you with both of those.

kristyn,

A bloody nose is an experience that you don't want to miss out on.

Welcome back.

mystic,

I have been in the south long enough to thaw out.

nattie,

I couldn't have made this one up.

karma,

He went into great detail. The texture of the training pants, the drying blood in his beard...Dad's a storyteller.

123,

My dad and Prince share very few commonalities in fashion. On the other hand, Prince frequently borrows my clothes.

jr,

It wasn't a super plus, was it?

Thanks for coming by.

cheeky,

Try paper towels.

michael,

I am not a nose picker either. Seriously.

av,

Hygiene is overrated.

pissy,

So do I.

mayren,

Spread the suffering. Words to live by.

velvet,

No kidding. It's like they were designed to be absorbant.

matt,

You're down with OPP? Call me.

tug,

He's still got his wits. He'd catch on.

beth,

Never fake it. Unless you're in bed.

Thanks for coming by.

claudia,

I think there's an employment law that says that you can't be written up if you're covered in blood.

miztis,

Like you've never had something completely repulsive in your car.

saurabh,

Please pack on dry ice and hand deliver. I don't trust the postal service with bodily fluids. I had a bad experience once.

stak,

I've never been out to dinner with a Blood. I always preferred Crips.

nwjr,

Well played.

melanie,

You assume that I know how to use speakerphone.

hearts,

Are you my sister? I thought her heart was in MN.

0,

Everything is connected.

 
At 11:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great storytelling! LOL.

 
At 11:37 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

lbb,

You are so punny.

killer,

Sometimes, I worry about you.

jcr,

I learned it from Dad.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 12:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your posts keep me rolling with laughter. I loved the toilet paper comment.

We have the same problem with the dry air here in the desert. Nothing's worse than not being able to find a Kleenex. Bloody noses are much more difficult than snot noses (but folk are more understanding when they see blood dripping over the top of your lip, yet boogers are a real turn-off).

 
At 1:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi! I just discovered your blog, but you crack me up and I read a lot of older posts! I have a list of blogs I like on mine, mostly for my own benefit so I have a list of links somewhere. But anyway, I put your link up, if you'd rather not have a stranger linking to your blog or whatever, just let me know and I'll take the link down.

 
At 1:52 PM, Anonymous Slick said...

It was a lesson Mist...

He taught you that you always need to keep something close and absorbant nearby just in case of an accident of this nature.

As for the blood? Uh...sorry?

 
At 3:27 PM, Blogger Arthur Dent said...

It's always fun to pop by here, Mist. I'll have to tell you about my brother and his nosebleeds sometimes. For a while, he repeatedly took too much aspring and other anti-coagulants. The worst nose-bleed he ever got couldn't even be cauterized to stop it. At the emergengy room, they finally stuffed 36 inches of 3/8 in diameter gauze packing up his nose and hoped for the best.

They also told him to never take asprin again.

I delighted in the fact that my big brother "could take 36 inches up the nose, but drew the line at 12 inches up his arse."

That one got me laughs for years.

 
At 3:33 PM, Blogger mutleythedog said...

A beetroot in each nostril works a treat - seriously great post - very funny -I'll be back! Only just found you - I'll read your back..

 
At 3:42 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

bird,

Why is it that blood is more acceptable than boogers?

h & b,

Welcome. Thanks for the link. Thanks for coming by.

slick,

The only thing I had close by was a box of fabric softener sheets.

arthur,

I think I'd rather take the 12. Perhaps I should have kept that to myself.

mutley,

Beetroot? Can I substitute pickled beets?

Thanks for stopping by.

 
At 3:44 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

yasamin,

Didn't mean to skip you. I peed on my phone last week. Literally.

 
At 5:27 PM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

Like father like daughter :)

 
At 7:26 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

icl,

I love that man.

 
At 8:27 PM, Blogger James Burnett said...

Damn, your dad put draw's on his nose. Hmmm. Some people might call that a fetish.

 
At 10:29 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

james,

There are rules here. No talking about my dad and fetishes, okay? I have a strong gag reflex.

 
At 7:55 AM, Blogger Cheetarah1980 said...

Actually you can get blood from anyone. AB+ is the universal recipient.

 
At 1:49 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

cheet,

That was a test to see how much the people here love me. I'm sneaky like that.

 
At 12:52 PM, Blogger Darlene said...

ROFLMAO - nothing like wiping your face with frozen pee-filled training pants...

Hope you regain your strength soon.

 
At 1:54 PM, Blogger James Burnett said...

OK, I'm sorry mist. There probably should be a law against joking about anything remotely sexual and parents. That really could lead to nightmares.

 
At 3:46 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

darlene,

Am feeling a bit better. Have new shoes.

james,

Apology accepted. Here in Georgia there are laws about joking about sex with your parents...unless you're really going to do it.

 
At 4:20 AM, Blogger boz said...

Mist, we miss you

 

Post a Comment

"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut

ABOUT ME
ABOUT ME
Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA

Yes, it is about me. Thanks for noticing.

BLOGROLL

123 Valerie Strikes Again
A Day in the Life
A Day in the Wind
Ali Thinks
Allan Thinks
Animal Mind
A View From The Watter's Edge
Avitable
BNR - Blog Name Removed
Briliant Donkey
Burnett's Urban Etiquette
Burt Reynolds' Mustache
c-writing
Cardiac Fantasies
Carnival of the Mundane
Curiosity Killer
Dallas Dysfunction
Dan's Blah Blah Blog
Disgruntled Workforce
DKY Bar and Grill
Exorcise My Devils
Fantasy and Sci-Fi Lovin' Blog
Fresh Air Lover
Guilty With An Explanation
How to go Insane
I Am Woman, See Me Blog!
Intelligent Humor
It's Go Time!
It's No Picknick!
Jester Tunes
Jen (and Andrew)
Just Tug
Karlababble
Ketchup With My Fries, Please
Liner Notes
Little White Liar
Maiden New York
Mayren Abashed
Meloncutter Musings
Mindy Does Minneapolis
Miss Britt
Much Ado about sumthin!
Muffin 53
Pointless Banter
Pointless Drivel
Q's Corner
Random Moments
Roadtrip
Sanity Optional
Single Life As I Know It
Secret Suburban Misfit
Southern Circle of Hell
Studio-Twenty-Three
The Assimilated Negro
The Death of Retail Price
The Dragon: 050376
The Morning Meeting
The Post College Years
The Wonderful World of Nothing Worthwhile
Tiny Voices in My Head

NEWEST POSTS

Kiss Like A Sailor
My First Lesbian Experience
Stuff On My Mom
Squirrel Cop
Happy Thanksgiving
How Did You Get My Number?
Inmate #28472442
Cover Girl
Mishap
Single Life

ARCHIVES

Credits

Header image photo by Alison.

 Subscribe in a reader

 Subscribe to comments

RFS Blog Awards Winner