To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Carjacking


This holiday season, I acquired a hot commodity. I'm not saying what it is because I value my life. I would just like it to be known that this is the kind of thing that inspires people to pitch tents outside of Best Buy.

I don't pitch tents. I pitch fits. I was arrested two years ago for Urban Camping; it turns out that there's an ordinance that states that it's perfectly acceptable to spread a blanket out in a park and take a nap on it, but as soon as you get under the blanket you are committing a crime. Another good mugshot. Ever since then I have been strongly opposed to sleeping outdoors.

How I acquired this item is not significant. All I will say is that I Know People in this city. We met in a dimly lit parking lot. I wore all black (very slimming) and carried a large sum of cash. If I ever make another parking lot transaction, I am going to get one of those metal briefcases. I think that will make me look like a Professional. It's important that the local hoodlums take me seriously.

I sped out of the parking lot just in time for a red light. I will have to work on my getaway route before next time. As the light turned green, the driver of a Cutlass honked at me. I'm not a good driver. When people honk at me, I always assume that I cut them off or that I almost killed them. I was too high from the rush of my transaction to care. I weaved through traffic to avoid confrontation.

He followed me. I skipped from lane to lane with him behind me all the way. I started to get nervous. What if he was some kind of holiday road raged lunatic? It became clear that I could not go back to Mom'a house. Abort! Abort! Abort! I pulled into a parking lot where I planned to do a move that I call a U-Turn. As I debated whether I should turn to the left or the right, the Cutlass pulled into the parking lot.

I imagined the evening news. The tragic story of a ridiculously cute woman found gunned down wearing all black (very slimming) in a parking lot. The trunk of the car would be left open and the receipt of my ATM withdrawal would still be clutched in my hand, leading authorities to suspect fowl play. Reporters would interview Mom's neighbors but would not be able to find anyone who had anything nice to say about me. They would end up paying a vagrant $5 to tell the cameras that I was a G*d fearing woman, (sexually) active in the community, and the last person you would ever expect this sort of thing to happen to. That part still makes me smile a little bit. It's almost true.

I parked the car among the other cars. I was going to walk into the store and Be Cool.

The Cutlass pulled up and rolled down the window. A man with gold teeth and a white ball cap turned sideways was inside. Always quick with words, I said, "what's up?"

"What's up?" he replied.

We repeated this phrase to one another for a few minutes. In a panic, I told him everything. He could have the item, just please, don't hurt me.

"I was just trying to get to know you," he said. I think he called me Shorty.

I gave him a fake phone number and sped back to Mom's play with my new unspecified item.

Mist 1


52 Comments:

At 6:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fowl play? I hate it when I'm followed by chickens.

 
At 7:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

if this is a Wii, i hate you. i don't give a crap about the ps3 but if you got your claws on a Wii and didn't bother to gloat at me about it... i will be highly angry.

i might even boycott.

:p

funny how gaming is all i can think of...

 
At 9:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
How many unspecified thingys came with the unspecified item? And how much vodka should I bring over with me?

 
At 9:19 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

sqt,

I like chicken heads.

yasamin,

I am not telling. Right now, I wish it was wi-fi. Grandma's dial-up is killing me.

0,

Nothing can bribe me tonight.

 
At 10:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have Fun with the PS3. Lucky but sexy wench you! *oodles of hugs*
Hope your holiday was good.

 
At 10:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Black is very slimming. Make sure you get a black metal breifcase for next time. That way if they try to trap you, and you get away, nobody will be able to say how big the briefcase was, and thus you'll be unidentifiable.

 
At 11:42 PM, Anonymous Bice said...

Is it a baby seal? I'm still buzzing off the non-alcoholic eggnog so forgive me if that question doesn't make any sense.

 
At 2:10 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Yeah, thanks a lot. Next time if you're not interested, just say so. Don't give me a fake phone number and fill me with false hope, okay?

Fer chrissake, it's the joyous holiday season.

 
At 3:23 AM, Blogger Steph said...

You got the new voice activated vibrator didn't you?
I hate you!!

P.S Merry christmas xx

 
At 3:25 AM, Blogger golfwidow said...

If the new unspecified item is the Ronco Vibrazor ("Hair Remover and Sex Toy in One!") I shall just advise you NOT to "set it and forget it."

 
At 4:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Must have been the black you were wearing.
Peace

 
At 4:21 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

Oh my. Did you have fat laces on? I need to know. I have solved your crisis...I am selling right now as we speak on EBay -- a Deal or No Deal briefcase. It's little and a must have. You gotta pick it up at an unspecified location though.

 
At 4:43 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

I know what it is.

That pearl version's tough to find in some places.

 
At 5:41 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Dial-up? I'm sorry to hear that.

 
At 6:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

well mist honey at least you are safe. did you get any underwear? bee

 
At 6:52 AM, Blogger cmeddie said...

Stumbled upon your blog and am hooked after " I'm not a good driver. When people honk at me, I always assume that I cut them off or that I almost killed them."

Gotta respect someone who knows who they are.

Good story.

 
At 8:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That black outfit must have really been working for you. Either that or the other driver was the kind of guy for whom a restraining order is a come on.

Puss

 
At 8:10 AM, Blogger Some Random Girl said...

Did you get his number for me?

 
At 9:38 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

mayren,

I can neither confirm, nor deny the ps3.

phishez,

I'm pretty sure that you've done this before.

bice,

I blew a seal once. At least that's what my mechanic said.

fab,

I didn't recognize you without your blog on.

steph,

I let the voice activated vibrator go a long time ago. We were just growing apart. I said we could still be friends.

golf,

Dear G*d. That is the worst invention I've ever heard of. Unless it's a wet/dry vibrazor. Then, I want one.

odat,

Did you see me? Really, I was impressed at how good I look in stealth-mode.

maiden,

Do fat laces make my foot look thinner?

nwjr,

Stay out of my top drawer!

av,

Not as sorry as I am.

bee,

He just gave me a creepy look. Not underwear. Why? Do random men give you underwear?

cmed,

It's hard not to be honest when the traffic court judge is on my Christmas card list.

Thanks for coming by.

puss,

I think it was a little of both.

srg,

867.5309

 
At 10:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG! somebody better come arrest me cause I'm bout to kill my boyfriend, no exboyfriend, for trying to charm you with his clever words!!!

 
At 10:10 AM, Blogger cinders said...

Wait, was there ice in his grill? Hey, shorty, maybe you should give him a chance, for-shizzle.

 
At 10:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That sounds like how I bought ALL my holiday gifts.

Unfortunately, they are all used up now, except for some of the left overs on one the coffee table that I'm dragging my nose over right now

 
At 11:22 AM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

Did you get a Tickle Me Elmo? You are a shark.

Go on wit your bad self, Shorty.

 
At 11:30 AM, Blogger Natalia said...

The bad thing about the fake phone number is that when they are too slow to write it down, as they often are, and ask me to repeat it, I have no clue and start a totally different new one. I suck at lying. I need help.

-N

 
At 12:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mist: stop giving out my number...

 
At 12:34 PM, Anonymous Karmyn r said...

What did you get? A Ticle-Me Elmo?

 
At 12:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just try to meet new people at Wal-Mart....

 
At 12:59 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

margaret,

You need to keep him on a shorter leash. I'll see you on Jerry Springer.

cinders,

It would never work out. He was icy. I'm frigid.

gyuss,

Save one of those for me. I'll bring my own $1.

123,

Yes, the Finger-Mel Elmo.

natalia,

Always use the same number. I am here to help.

dallas,

So, you made a love connection?

karmyn,

Clearly, we live in different worlds.

 
At 1:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my God! I think you got yourself a Jack LaLanne juicer just like I got! Awesome! Do you like it?

Can I borrow some vegetables?

 
At 1:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my God! I think you got yourself a Jack LaLanne juicer just like I got! Awesome! Do you like it?

Can I borrow some vegetables?

 
At 1:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ridiculously cute? I have that problem. Sometimes I'm absurdly handsome, other times: Obnoxiously good looking. It's a curse, ain't it?

Also, mist, I don't understand how you were able to turn down such a smooth operator like that. And gold teeth..nothing says lovin' more than that.

 
At 1:09 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

Your greeter must be hotter than most of the gretters I've seen.

 
At 1:12 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

dan,

Mom and I ordered all kinds of stuff from an infomercial last night. I can't wait for the juicer. The only vegetable I have is this old guy that I see from time to time. I'm not willing to give him up just yet.

stewart,

I feel sort of insecure about being ridiculously cute. I wish I was absurdly handsome.

 
At 1:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am laughing at Dan...him and that juicer.

The boy with the Grillz, prolly saw your purchase and wanted to play on your station.

I'm feeling all insignificant with my PS2.

 
At 1:54 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

tigger,

I no nothing about a ps3. Nothing.

 
At 3:48 PM, Blogger furiousBall said...

did you buy an angry blue bowling ball? perhaps something that ends in an inappropriate z?

i hear god fears the sexually active slimmers and david schwimmer too

 
At 4:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think it was the newest super-powered adult novelty available. Definitely worthy of urban camping to obtain.

And I think that guy did get to know you a little bit... He now clearly understands that a)you're an excellent get-away driver, b)you're a whiz with pickup lines, and c)you're slightly paranoid.

Mission accomplished Special Agent Mist1!!

 
At 4:37 PM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

I hit all my favorite shopping spots today.

You should've been here! ;-)

 
At 5:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

He likes short electronic consumers...

 
At 5:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

holy crap!

 
At 6:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I don't pitch tents. I pitch fits."

Its offcial, you are my long lost twin.

 
At 6:45 PM, Blogger Vengelyne said...

I think you should dress more conservatively instead of an all-black outfit that portrays a stunningly slimmer you. That way you'd avoid unwanted attention and it'd be a lot less conspicuous.

What's the commodity you got? A vibrator? A phone, I mean... that vibrates. =P

 
At 8:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

a cutless and what's up? hee-heeeee.

 
At 8:44 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

furious,

Bowling BallZ? I'm more into Pokemon.

clb,

Did you just have a glass of wine? Because I just got this phantom taste in my mouth.

venge,

Conservatively? Like, without the fishnets?

olives,

He had everything a girl could want.

 
At 9:07 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Clarence with the gold teeth is a really nice guy if you get to know him. The wife and 7 kids shouldn't be a problem.

 
At 9:09 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

My wife and seven kids or his?

 
At 6:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I don't pitch tents. I pitch fits."

You definately are my evil twin!

 
At 6:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Crap... I think I submitted that comment 12x. I forgot you approve all comments. Past evening in my eggnog induced stupor, I was completely baffled as to why my comment did show up over and over and over and over. Gawd, sometimes I am a dumbass.

 
At 12:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

if it's a Playstation 3, I'm coming over....TONIGHT!!

what is it? You can tell me, I can keep a secret.

 
At 4:43 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

csb,

That was so cute that I had to approve it. Sorry.

kiyotoe,

I have trust issues.

 
At 8:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sketchy people play their roles, Mist1. It's good to know someone who knows a few.

 
At 1:01 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

I'm on the low-carb diet thing. No rolls, thanks.

 

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Name: Mist1
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