Tell 'Em What They Want to Hear
About once a year, I go out with a guy I used to date. We try to rekindle the flame. We have cocktails and pretend that everything didn't end horribly wrong. Then, I stick my tongue down his throat. For a moment, we don't regret it. Then, it goes horribly wrong all over again.Over drinks, he gives me the update on his life. He's been commisioned to do a painting. He's got a new record deal. He's going on tour. His limited edition prints are selling all over the globe. He's been nominated for an Oscar and is runner-up in a beauty pageant.
I counter. I've recently donated my bone marrow and saved a set of quints that would surely have died if not for my good deed. I've adopted an African baby. I've had to decline an offer to be spokesmodel for a major cosmetic company because they test on animals.
Then, K told me that nobody really wants to know how I'm doing unless I'm miserable.
Why didn't I figure that out?
I called him last night to test her theory. We went out for drinks. He told me that he's just returned from working with a colony of lepers. He's been knighted. He was single-handedly responsible for OJ's book being pulled from the shelves.
"Enough about me. How are you?" he asked.
"Honestly," I said scratching at the scab on my lower lip, "the syphilis is resisting treatment causing my vision to fail. I'm going to prison for tax evasion after the first of the year. Mark Foley is text messaging me again. My Osteopornosis (a degenerate disease) is flaring up again and the cat hates me."
He seemed pleased. "Well, I'm always here for you."
It was the most caring moment that we've shared in years.
Mist 1
Other stuff:
Thanks Big Pissy for submitting my blog to Bloglaughs for review. I will try not to let it go to my head. Bloglaughs is looking for reviewers; no purchase necessary, minimal commitment involved.
I've also guest blogged for Michael Thomas today at Cardiac Fantasies. A girl needs a hobby.
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:12 AM
63 Comments:
K is so smart. I'd like to meet her, too. Birds of a feather should flock together.
People somehow feel better hearing other people's miseries.
Now I wonder if the next step in this messin-with-his-head is to keep being really pathetic, working it, until he finally caves and capitulates that his life sucks, too: the eczema; the impotence; the working at Wal-Mart; the revoked driver's licence and complete reliance on mass transit. Then you give him the big ta-da moment of "Psych. Actually, I still rule all things. You sound shitty, though."
You're one of the few who could actually say something like that and come out ahead. Truly amazing!
"My Osteopornosis (a degenerate disease"
Ha! I choked on that one. Very funny indeed.
Oh Oh Oh, I made the blog roll!
Yaaaa!
It kind of sucks that the only thing the sorta-ex wants to hear is misery. Of course hearing his misery would've been better.
Wow, you've been busy. Congrats! I'm glad that you were able to achieve that special moment with your ex, too.
When I try the miserable card it always backfires and I end up in a lie tha gets deeper and deeper. I must learn your tricks!!
I wish I could always be funny like you. Your consistency is admirable.
I'm too exhausted to spell check so I hope my spelling was good on its own tonight.
For a moment, we don't regret it
And that explains so much for so many of us.
First off, I like the new look it is pretty.
Second, be right back I have to chase down the testosterone that fled my body when I said that.
Third, Okay I am back wow who knew testosterone could run so fast?
Fourth,
osteopornosis! ROTFLMAO can I steal that?
Great posts as per usual, both here and filling in over at Cardiac ER.
BD
Aw, always here for you, he says. How cute?
You manage to speak you your ex? I think I hide under tables when ever I see mine.
Its nice that he cares but I'd so be flaunting sucess...
You beat Dooce! Citizen of the Month will be so jealous.
Found you via Bloglaughs. Really like your writing style.
Wow...you are like, the most popular blogger ever. You don't just write your own blog, you write another one with a bunch of people AND you guest blog. I can't even get anyone to read my one blog. ;) It's probably a good thing though - i don't want my students discovering my blog...that would be BAAAAD news.
Way to rope him in! … *Ü*
I was xtra bitchy to my husband in the beginning .. it really turned him on..??..
you stick you tongue down his throat last night?
Aww such precious moments. I'm all warm and fuzzy again.
Wait. That's the alcohol. Never mind.
i never socialize with ex's unless we run into each other at say... mutual funerals... liquor stores... bath houses.. .wait. scratch the last one.
at this point i just tell them that i've finally gotten that penis i have always wanted and the surgery went well.
scary part is they always want to see it, therefore calling out my lie. damnit.
osteo-porn-osis? What bones are affected here? Is it due to your syphilis that won't cure? I don't remember that as a side effect from HBO's "Mrs. Evers Boys".
Misery loves to hear others misery
The day I run into my ex-girlfriend as she's easing out of her car and into her wheelchair (the result of either a car accident or some sort of porno-based degenerate disease) is a day when I exhibit extreme class and generosity of spirit.
Later, I am moved to tears thinking of her burn scars.
I had osteopornosis for the longest time, until I found the cure.
I hope it helps you as much as it helped me.
venge,
K is smart. I'd like to meet her too.
jocelyn,
Man, I wish I worked at Wal-Mart. I'm really good at greeting people, but I can't maintain a conversation.
velvet,
Well, he did pay for the drinks.
natalie,
It's a serious condition. Please send donations in my name to a porn star of your choice.
sqt,
I know his misery. I created it and maintained it for years.
michael,
Please, sign up for my class.
bice,
I never use spell check. I just hope that any mistakes get looked over.
jack,
Isn't that the truth?
donk,
Testosterone is very fast. Last time I clocked it, it was like two minutes.
orhan,
Adorable.
mr. fab,
Thanks for the glowing report. The dementia has taken my mind off the syphilis.
shadow,
He's one of two that doesn't want me shot into space.
lux,
Please, I already have a large enough head. In my defense, I am thick skulled and have big hair.
Thanks for coming by.
me,
I have never been popular. I have always needed a hobby.
mj,
Of course I stuck my tongue down his throat. He's the one that gave me Osteopornosis, so there's no worries about transmission.
ctw,
Do I blog cuter when you're tipsy?
yasamin,
Mutual funerals? No. That sounds like a commitment.
olives,
I will leave the symptoms up to your imagination. Let's just say that I can see in the dark and I get the palms of my hands waxed.
honk,
No wonder we dated for so long.
matt,
You always exhibit extreme class and generosity of spirit. Dry your eyes.
nwjr,
This is exactly how I came down with the disease.
av,
It afflicts everyone differently. I haven't seen a boner in bit.
fringes,
Jesus is a way better blogger than I am. He's got all the Apostles to guest blog for him.
I was thinking the same thing, you talk to your ex? This is a concept I of course have to conquer as I am going through a divorce and all. My exes all go to this land of banishment (this is all in my head of course) where all they do is hit rocks with hammers and repent for whatever wrongitude they exacted upon me.
I always figure exes are exes for a good reason.
furious,
It usually starts like this:
"Can I have my cds back?"
claudia,
It's really hard to remember why we broke up when my tongue is down his throat.
I would speak to my Exe's, but a combination my laryngitis makes it difficult to yell across the 500 feet that separates us.
I know its exactly 500 feet because after they get the restraining order, I measure and draw a yellow line around their house. That way, when the cops come, I can prove I'm legal.
Only you could turn syphilis into a turn on.
gyuss,
We used to date, didn't we?
britt,
Well, I am awfully damn cute from the right side.
It's a sad day that you have to look bad to make men feel good, isn't it? You did good Mist...pumped him up just right. You should get knighted or something for that alone!
Going to check out the guest blog.
I'm looking for a guest blogger as well... You appear to be a little..
However if not.......
tug,
I would love to be knighted, but I don't have anything to wear.
sank,
By "a little" do you mean midget? Because I'm not.
I didn't know WOMEN could get osteopornosis. You must have it in your funny bone.
I like to think my exes are in hell, where they belong.
good job, mist! it's too bad they didn't catch after the re-design though. :D
I have osteopornosis and I've infected others, I think (even though I haven't done any shoving-my-tongue-down-someone-else's-throat lately). Now I know where I got it from...your blog! But it's mutated into some sort of Asian version. Call me when you find the antidote, okay?
Greetings mist1.......
hehehe I am coming over to live at your blog k?? No, no....no need for any welcoming fan-fare....I will just perch myself over here on the couch in the corner and claim squatters rights! I haven't laughed this hard and heartily in a loooooong time!! Your posts are hilarious and real....and your commenters are a riot as well.....kudos!!!
Thank you ever so much for my birthday gift (making the blogroll).
After my new laptop, it's my favorite gift so far.
...as for the old boyfriend....having met you, I'll bet all your old boyfriends want to stay friends. ;-)
1
I am so glad to find out where I caught the osteopornosis from. There are no shots, you know. What do you have to share?
Congratulations on your nominations!
And why is the world this way? Misery loves company? Yet his misery is hidden? Guess it's the coolness factor.
Damn! You are a celebrity. Can I hang out with you, so that some of it will rub off. Just pick a night when you're not rekindling though.
I hate exes. My last real ex still has my best, most favorite sweat shirts.
hearts,
I'm pretty sure that your exes must hang out with mine.
mist,
It's really happening. I am finally leaving myself comments that I don't remember. Must up the meds.
lizza,
The Asian strain is really hot.
boo,
There's room for everyone. You will, of course, be paying rent, right?
pissy,
Actually, most of them prefer it when I live far, far away. Like, in Hell. Can I move in?
0,
I hope it isn't a crime to pass Osteopornosis around.
beth,
I wish I knew why the world worked the way it does.
I believe that K was on target. Carolyn Myss, in her book “Why People Don’t Heal and How They Can” pointed out that we neurotic humans connect with others via our injuries and grievances. Being saintly doesn’t get us nearly as much attention was being wounded does!
Great review, Mist. You deserve it. Our little Misty is growing up! Soon, she will have so many commenters, she won't be able to respond to all of them. I'm getting in as many comments as possible before they start costing me money.
Of course old boyfriends want you to be miserable. After all how can you possibly live in anything but horrid squalor when you are not with them. It's like they see you and think "Oh there's Mist...wait that can't be her -- she's walking talking and GOOD LORD smiling... how can this is possible when her life is no longer totally about me!!"
I hate to admit it, but I kinda feel that way about old boyfriends... "look at this jackass! His life was so much better when I was with him..and now he must suffer on without me HA HA HA"
nick,
If that's true, I'm going to fake an injury just for the attention. How about a cast?
othur,
Thank you. I will always respond to all my comments.
lets,
My rule: Always look better than when you ended the relationship.
james,
We can hang out anytime. I promise not to stick my tongue down your throat. Seriously.
Yes you do need a hobby....lol
Peace
Nice job over at Caridiac btw.
odat,
Thanks for reading me there too. I've got to go floss now.
Hey you may have a degenerate disease but your blog rocks.
This is fantastic and K is very wise. Your ex is just like my mother. No wonder I have baggage.
c,
Thanks. I love it here. You all are the best.
andrea,
I hope your mother's nose isn't as big as his is.
"Texted" is a word if you've been born sometime before 1963....
It is my hope to impress the dictionary committee out in Salt Lake City, Utah or wherever this time around in 2007.
you're my girl so I'm gonna let the "scab on the bottom lip" thing slide.......
but damn, don't do that to me anymore. messes up my whole image.
matt,
You were born before 1963? No wonder I don't recognize you from American University.
kiyotoe,
Maybe I shouldn't have said scab. Maybe blistering pustule would be a better description.
lbb,
I had to pay for booty once. He "forgot" his wallet.
I might check those out but first, thanks for the stocking stuffer.
You gave me the same thing as last year.
You didn't give me anything last year.
You suck.
I said I may check those out.
icl,
So, do you want a gift receipt?
pay rent?? hhhmmmmm what kind of negotiations are you up for.....like will martinis do?? just askin'
**grin**
How am I suppose to bug you about a new template if you go and get one?
boo,
Damn, you just upped the ante. Stay as long as you like.
nihilistic,
Looks like you need a new hobby.
You know, I think most people only want to hear when other people are miserable. I don't want to hear about people when they're miserable OR really happy. I want to push both types of people over a freaking cliff.
I like the new Template, Mist. Unfortunately, I can only get dial-up from my ISP, at a terrifyingly slow 2.5 k/s transfer rate (when the smoke signals are running on a clear calm day) so it takes a bit to load, but as always, worth the wait.
If things don't work out with George and your mom, my mom has been considering crossing to the other side of the street for a while now...
dorky,
I have promised to push Dad over a cliff once he gets feeble and annoying. I don't have the heart to tell the man that he's already annoying.
arthur,
I'll put in a good word for your mom. Are you sure that you want to be related to me?
Well... we could move to the deep south...., then all would be well, right and acceptable :D
arthur,
C'mon down.
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