To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Thursday, December 21, 2006

I Wonder Where He Puts It


When I was a kid, I played with Cabbage Patch Kids. I had several. Sparky Allen and Paige Alexis were Premies. They were small and bald and adorable.

Mom had a little plastic case in the bathroom which held a tiny rubber swimcap. It was a perfect fit for when I wanted to dress Paige Alexis up in her swimwear. Later, when I adopted David Walker, I imagined that he was Jewish. The swimcap became the perfect yarmulke.

I'll never forget the day that I showed Dad how Paige Alexis could swim. "Oh crap! Honey, Mist found your diaphragm!"

Later in life, I decided that a diaphragm was the way to go for all my birth control needs. My doctor explained the proper insertion technique and left me alone in the exam room with a tube of K-Y and a tray of different sized diaphragms to try on. It was like shopping. I wondered if I should leave the room and ask the nurses, "does this diaphragm make my cervix look big?" It never got to that point. I lubed up the first one and attemped to slip it in. Instead, the slippery thing shot out of my hand, bounced off the wall and landed on the floor with a splat. I decided to stick with the pill.

Last week, I went ice skating. My friend had the clever idea that we should play a prank on another guy on the ice. He knelt down behind him and I skated up and pushed him in the chest. When he stood up he yelled, "Damn! You pushed me in my diaphragm."

Clearly, his doctor didn't show him how to wear one. I pushed him in the chest.

Mist 1


91 Comments:

At 9:15 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

My brother showed me the condoms in our father's nightstand, and said, "I bet you don't know what these are."

" Of course I do," I shot back. "They're balloons." I wondered why my father didn't have nicer ones than those colorless things that didn't even say "Happy Birthday" or "Have a nice day" on them.

 
At 9:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

the pill is magnificent. I've never tried a diaphragm, so maybe I'm unaware of the social intricacies involving one. But I can't see getting up in the middle of some action and saying "honey, let me go into the bathroom and shove a plastic thing up myself."

And if I wanted to avoid that, could I put in in earlier, or would it just be uncomfortable all night? What if after we did it I forgot to take it out and slept in it and went along my merry way until some time 3 days later I went "oh, crap."

Basically, I couldn't handle anything like that. But I applaud you for trying.

 
At 9:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe he had it in his shirt pocket since it's always good to be prepared. Either that or the poor dear swallowed it.

 
At 9:28 PM, Blogger Tug said...

OMG - I was SO going to buy my granddaughter a cabbage patch kid for Christmas. I'm glad I didn't - I doubt I could get into a doctor for diaphragm fitting before gifts are unwrapped, & my granddaughter LOVES to swim. Thanks for saving me the stress!

 
At 9:30 PM, Blogger Crack La Rock said...

hahahahahahahahahahaha...crying and spitting and ruin'in ANOTHER pair of ben davis...hmmmm...hot hot

 
At 9:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know if sticking with the pill was the right idea. I don't think they make very good yarmulkes at all. Too small.

 
At 10:06 PM, Blogger Stan Mackey said...

Oh crap. As one of 8 boys and 2 girls growing up I'm shocked about your ice scating methods.

 
At 10:08 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

Was your dad a clown? Why else would he keep balloons in the bedroom?

h & b,

After it landed on the gyno's floor (ewww), I asked myself many of the same questions.

velvet,

If he swallowed it, I should have gotten his phone number. He must have a really long tongue.

tug,

I am here to help.

crack,

Read my blog naked. I read yours naked.

dorky,

The size of the yarmulke doesn't matter, it's how you wear it.

 
At 10:10 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

stan,

I went to the Tonya Harding school of Ice Dancing.

 
At 10:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wonder how he got it up there? Especially so far. Do guys have to eat their diaphrams? Or did he get really enthusiastic going down on a girl who was wearing one?

Did you even ask?

 
At 10:38 PM, Blogger Nihilistic said...

I'm going skating with you!

 
At 10:47 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

phishez,

I didn't ask. I thought it might be rude. That's knowledge that only his gyno needs to have.

nihilistic,

Centennial Park. Wear your diaphragm.

 
At 11:11 PM, Anonymous catnapping said...

In the olden days, douches were these large pinkish rubber things that looked like giant water bottles with a long pink tube, and a fenestrated nozzle. (sorta like an enema bag of today.)

Anyhoo...I was about 14, and had recently learned "how babies were made." I remember thinking, "ew. gross."

So when I saw this bag hanging on my parents' bathroom door...I decided that it was an alternative to having sex -so mom and dad wouldn't have to touch each other's things...

 
At 11:13 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

cat,

OMG, is that what that was?

 
At 12:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I always thought I would need to see a diagram to understand the true workings of the diaphragm. Now I'm nowhere near as concerned.
Thank you!!
;-)

 
At 12:37 AM, Anonymous Nikeroo said...

I went to the Museum of Erotica in Copenhagen a couple of months ago and found out that condoms used to be the size of mini-hot air balloons. Now I here some Germans are making a spray on condom.... my how far we've come!! So why are so many getting acceidentally pregnant these days?

 
At 1:05 AM, Anonymous Bice said...

Maybe he wears one close to his heart to remind him of his mother.

 
At 1:35 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

This was a very girlie post.

Try to butch the next up a little, huh?

 
At 1:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok I thought that was a photo of a light...

I do have the urge to don skates though!

 
At 2:59 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

You know, I still don't understand what a diaphragm is.

 
At 3:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My friend and her husband use the bucket and saucer technique. "What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?" I asked one day

"Well, I'm five foot eleven...and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him."

 
At 4:32 AM, Blogger Nattie said...

I remember years ago helping a friend clean her bedroom when we found this dried up 'thing'....I had suggested that it was a diaphragm....my friend had no idea what a diaphragm was, so I did my best to explain....we were 13 or 14 at the times and her mom overheard our roaring outbursts of laughter and came to check on us. She seemed pretty mortified when she saw the diaphragm, so I can only assume it was hers. It's been my only encounter with one....but I like your yarmulke idea ;)

your imagination should win you a Nobel prize one day :)

 
At 5:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

At least you thought of protecting your doll's hair with a swim cap. My doll's hair was alway a mess from swimming.

I thought my mom's birth control pills were candy and popped them all out, lined them up, and then asked my mom what flavor they were. I miss being a kid.

 
At 5:18 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

My choir director told me to sing from my diaphragm. I guess I'll have to buy one now.

 
At 5:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had a bald Preemie named Zachary something or other. But sometimes, because he was bald, I would dress him up in girl clothes and call him Rene. I always felt guilty afterward when I would imagine him in his therapist's office wondering why he enjoyed wearing womens panties.

 
At 5:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm going as a diaphragm for Halloween next year. Thanks for the idea.

 
At 5:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Never tried one…
… I would have shot my eye out..

 
At 5:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is how I'm sure you're the funniest blogger out here, because i laughed for a minute as soon as i saw that picture before i even read the post.

Damn woman......just keep fueling that fire (crush). ;)

 
At 6:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about those sponges that came out in the 90's? They were sort of like a barbie sized loofa.

 
At 6:30 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

I had an ex girlfriend that seemed to enjoy trying every single method of birth control ever made. She tried an IUD, a diaphram, sponges, sharks with frickin' lasers, etc. The pill is the thrill.

Actually you know what would slow down the mangoo? If doctor's could figure out how to do word verification around the cervix, because I don't think jizz can read.

 
At 6:53 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

I am jealous! A swimcap for your cabbage patch - I was never so lucky.

 
At 6:53 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

I am jealous! A swimcap for your cabbage patch - I was never so lucky.

 
At 6:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I never had sex with a diaphragm using woman. I advertised for one, but there were no applications. Well, except for the old lady from the nursing home who drooled a lot. We didn't hit it off her and I. I had limits.She didn't.

 
At 7:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Were you into the Garbage Pail Kids fad, too? Remember those? I wouldn't be surprised if they were depicted wearing actual diaphragms as accessories...

 
At 7:22 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Ah, the sperm trampoline.

 
At 7:24 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

Damn it. I wish I could tell you the story about the picture of what I was convinced was a diaphragm on my graphic designer's desk that JUST happened here.

But you'd never believe me now LOL

 
At 7:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, nice story. Except, in reality, this "guy" was an eight year-old boy, wasn't he?

I see you're throwing your weight around again?

 
At 7:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had a similar experience at a doctor's office with a tray full of condoms. It was actually kind of depressing.

Fight the Power,

Dagromm

 
At 8:06 AM, Anonymous Dallas DysFUNction said...

I like to make balloon animals out of mine. It's hit at birthday parties and retirement homes.

 
At 8:22 AM, Blogger Strawberrysurf said...

I wondered if I should leave the room and ask the nurses, "does this diaphragm make my cervix look big?"

Just wondering, has any guy put on a condom and asked you if his penis looks big in it?

 
At 8:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

sounds messy....definitely stick with the pill!

 
At 8:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I prefer the pill. they look like little Smarties! yum!

 
At 8:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I read this story once wherein a woman demonstrates to a group of clueless housewives how to insert a diaphgragm. She simply dropped her panties and went for it. I've been afraid of diaphragms ever since.

 
At 8:53 AM, Blogger golfwidow said...

That reminded me of the time my friend's twelve year-old was going around saying, "Gotcha covered like a jimmy hat" any time you asked him to do anything. Finally, I said to my friend, "You do know that a jimmy hat is a condom, right?" That ended that phraseology in their house. (I feel kind of sorry for the kid for having ratted him out.)

 
At 9:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL! Hilarious Mist! I hope you have a great holiday and try to avoid putting any birth control devices on small dolls. :)

 
At 9:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

catnapping...as soon as mist told this story, I remembered my mother's douchebag. She used to hang it over the shower head, and I had no clue what it was. I decided it would be fun to use it to blow bubbles in the bathwater when I was about 5. I still recall the look of horror on her face when she walked in.

I have trouble with contacts, so I couldn't ever tackle the diaphragm.

 
At 9:27 AM, Anonymous Slick said...

Ooooo, nice new look :)

Did the guy have a wig and was he dressed in women's clothes? You know, because picking on people like that would just be cruel Mist....

 
At 9:28 AM, Anonymous Slick said...

And where the hell is my linkage?

 
At 10:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I didn't know guys could use diaphragms...now that I know, I'll make the husband use one, so I don't have to worry about the b.c. issues.

 
At 10:24 AM, Blogger Stan Mackey said...

That was the worst chore...trying to insert that slippery devil just so I could have sex with Mrs M. Then years with the topcoat, hated that too. Then got the doc to snip the walnuts. Now that was the smartest thing I ever did...just waited about 10 years too long. What men and women have to go through to have sex...unbelievable.

 
At 10:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I always cut the hair off of my dolls. Too bad my mom didn't use a diaphragm, maybe then I'd have left them alone.

 
At 10:38 AM, Blogger Natalia said...

See, when I first saw that I was unsure if it was a diaphragm or a round wall light sconce thingy. Bleh. I need help.

-N

 
At 10:39 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

No one really knows how these work. It's a great mystery.

nikeroo,

Does the spray on condom come with a face mask? I don't want to inhale the fumes.

Thanks for coming by.

bice,

That's so sweet.

mr. fab,

Tomorrow, I'll try to work in jock itch or something.

shadow,

It's sort of like a light. Cum into the light.

orhan,

You are my kind of guy.

vince,

I'm too short for that method.

nattie,

I just had the best visual of your story. Thanks.

debbie,

Did you end up a sibling with after that little incident?

nwjr,

Do you want my gyno's number?

lux,

Zachary Jeremiah? I saw him turning tricks on the west side of town.

ctw,

I've got to see pictures of the costume.

mj,

I think you're getting confused. You might be thinking of a bb gun.

kiyotoe,

Now I know, you're a visual kind of guy. Who doesn't like a story about things I'm going to stick in my...

trish,

Those were adorable. I almost forgot about those.

furious,

My cervix doesn't have word verification, but it will check your bank statement first.

cheeky,

I'll ask Mom if she's still using hers (G*d, I hope not). I'll mail it to you.

stewart,

I have a lot in common with that woman. I drool. Also, it seems that I know no limits.

kelley,

I am still in denial that my parents threw my Garbage Pail Kids away.

av,

I love trampolines.

britt,

Tell me.

matt,

Iceskates add at least eight pounds.

dagromm,

So, did you decide to stick with the pill too?

dallas,

Are you for hire?

strawberry,

I've never had a conversation with a man after the condom is on.

claudia,

No kidding. G*d bless the pill.

miztris,

You have to take all the colors, not just the flavors you like.

ddl,

My doctor used one of those cross-section torsos. I hate to think what I would look like in cross-section.

golf,

You do know that I'll be using this phrase when I go home for the holidays, right?

beth,

Oh, thanks for reminding me. I better pack those.

tigger,

How big are your eyes?

slick,

I can pick on anyone. I don't discriminate. I'll link you...are you still blogging? I man gets engaged and all of a sudden no updates.

aisby,

Be sure he uses lubricant to insert it. It might be a tight fit.

 
At 10:44 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

stan,

You put it in? That's love.

sqt,

I was a cutter too. All my Barbies had stubble.

natalia,

I want to see the light fixtures in your house.

 
At 11:19 AM, Anonymous Nikeroo said...

Oh dear, this topic seems to have been a very POPULAR one!

 
At 11:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

my cabbage patch doll had downs and never mastered swimmimg.. you're a lucky girl

 
At 11:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know how you women survive with all of this crap. Contact lenses are enough for me but diaphragms??

You have my sincere sympathy.

 
At 12:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Does this condom make my erection look bigger? Do the mirrors help?

 
At 12:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

girl i had choir in junior high right after sex ed and let me tell you when we found out what a diaphram was, choir became a laugh riot.

 
At 1:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What is better than plying with a premie and a diaphram. If only you had knon one was meant to prevent the other.

 
At 2:09 PM, Blogger Just telling it like it is said...

OMG do not shoot your eye out..

So after the diaphram hit the floor and bounced all over the room what did you tell the Dr...

Never used a diaphram myself as I thought that they were an anceint chinese secret...

However I have done a lot of teaching about birthcontrol...and I can't even tell you were my fingers have been...hey I had gloves on..strickly professional I swear...I swear...

 
At 2:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, it's not the size that is the problem.

I can SEE my eyes. Never could get a stellar view of my cervix, so I figured inserting the diaphragm properly would be too risky.

 
At 3:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

All my Barbies had stubble and I had hair balls. They were also nekked. They needed help.

 
At 3:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG As soon as I saw the pic I knew what it was...I laughed all the way thru reading this...I have some stories about diaphragms, almost forgot about em...thanks for the memories!
Peace

 
At 4:29 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nikeroo,

You have no idea how popular the mundane can be.

margaret,

You are such a saint for adopting a special needs Cabbage Patch Kid.

dan,

We deserve to be recognized for our struggles.

0,

The smoke and mirrors are working. I am impressed.

yasamin,

I bet the teacher loved that

olives,

I never would have put that together if you hadn't spelled it out for me.

tellin',

I didn't say a word. I rinsed off the dust and pubes and put it back in the tray.

tigger,

Well, now that makes sense. Thanks for clearing that up.

lee,

All my Barbies were sluts.

odat,

Share one. C'mon. I know you want to.

 
At 5:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

he hated it. i think it brought back memories the the sex is hadn't had in years or some sh*t like that. :p

i didn't last long. can you tell?

 
At 7:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I used to think my mom's maxi pads were cushions you put in your shoes. She got pissed when she found them crammed into my sneakers.

 
At 7:10 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

yasamin,

Hard to imagine that the choir teacher wasn't getting laid. I mean, who doesn't want to sleep with a choir teacher?

killer,

My mom wore tampons. They were really uncomforable in my shoes.

 
At 8:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm laughing so hard - just imagining that sweet little baby bathing cap! ha ha ha ha

 
At 8:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The only reason I can imagine wanting a diaphragm would be so I could, nearly literally, pull MacGuyver-like stunts out of my ass. "All I need is this paper clip, that pack of matches, and, oh damn, if only I had a diaphragm, I could make a defuser for those explosives planted by Nightcrawler's henchmen. Heyyyy, wait a minute, I DO have a diaphragm! Everyone, avert your eyes for a sec while I retrieve it."

 
At 8:36 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

anon,

Paige Alexis was an olympic hopeful. She overcame so many odds, with her premature birth and all.

jocelyn,

I wouldn't avert my eyes. I gotta see something like that.

 
At 8:54 PM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

Oh, good, it's a full moon! Thanks for the astrology update, Mist!

 
At 8:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I remember when we had to work hard to get up to 70 comments in a week. Writin' comedy all day. somethin' to look forward to, a sense of achievement. Now, pft, you do that sometimes in an hour.

I'm going over to the Piggly Wiggly for somethin' to eat. See you later. Want me to bring you back somethin'?

 
At 9:06 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

123,

We need to have The Talk.

0,

Piggly Wiggly? That's so cute. I'm out of fizzy water. I love that stuff. Especially the fruit flavored kind.

 
At 6:50 AM, Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

Without a doubt, "does this diaphragm make my cervix look big?," will be the funniest thing I will read today.

Current time: 9:49 a.m., NY time.

 
At 8:44 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

maven,

The day is still young.

 
At 5:36 PM, Blogger Kiki said...

Thank you for the out loud laugh. I needed that. K

 
At 9:03 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

kiki,

I do what I can.

 
At 2:15 PM, Anonymous Shaymus said...

Ha Ha...Very humorous!!!

 
At 2:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It doesn’t look very ergonomic. Do they come with handles?

 
At 12:53 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

shaymus,

It's sort of my thing. Thanks for coming by.

slag,

That's called the sponge.

 
At 8:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Diaphragms are great if you don’t really want to sleep with someone – by the time you’ve got the damn thing in and in the right place, they’ve usually fallen asleep or are engrossed in sport on television. Genius. No wonder they’re so popular with married women.

Puss

 
At 1:15 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

No wonder it didn't work for me.

 
At 8:35 AM, Blogger The Stiltwalker said...

I always wondered how you get the diaphragm out.

 
At 4:29 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

stilt,

I think you have to enlist the help of someone with much longer fingers.

 
At 10:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank god you didn't push him in the cervical cap. That hurts like hell.

 
At 11:48 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

crank,

I've always enjoyed that...

 
At 10:15 AM, Blogger SabilaK said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Oh Mist, I love you.

 
At 10:16 AM, Blogger SabilaK said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Oh Mist, I love you.

 
At 10:57 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

sabilak,

But how do you feel about the diaphragm?

 
At 12:35 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

sabilak,

But how do you feel about the diaphragm?

 

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Name: Mist1
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