To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Flossy


In my 10th grade chemistry class, Mr. Glock fascinated me. He always wore a leather apron. He cautioned us that hydrochloric acid may "tickle" a bit upon contact with human flesh.

He let us ask any question we wanted. We took advantage of this. Rumor was, Mr. Glock would tell you all about his addictions if you just asked. Risking five points off my final grade, I asked, "Mr. Glock, what was your first addiction?"

"Women," he replied. The class giggled because he was ancient and we were adolescents and couldn't imagine him as a young, vivacious man. For another five points, I asked what his second addiction was.

"Alcohol."

And with that, I was in love.

I have addictions (men, index cards in bright colors, shoes). I have worked through many, many others (lip balm, pickles, WebMD). But there are some, that still have a tight hold on me.

I am entirely powerless over Dental Floss. I have floss in the drawer in my coffee table, next to my bed, and in my desk. I even have those handy flossers in my car because I drive a stick shift and need at least one hand on my stereo at all times. I own every kind of floss. Waxed. Unwaxed. Mint. Cinnamon. Organic. Flouridated.

I floss my teeth several times a day. I floss when I wake up and before bed. I floss before and after meals. I examine my floss closely because I am a disgusting individual. I am thrilled to retrieve anything from between my teeth, especially popcorn. Once or twice, I have even flossed out an entire chunk of flesh. Then, I call it quits until the next day.

It consumes me. Sometimes, I find myself driving by drug stores that aren't on the way home. Maybe they will have a two-for-one special. Maybe an advance in dental floss technology will have been made since my last floss purchase.

I wish that I could clean my body the same way that I clean my teeth. A cleansing rinse would be first. Preferably nothing whitening. I think that's what happened to Michael Jackson. That would be followed by a soft bristled brushing with a minty soap. Minty soap is orgasmic. I can spend hours in a peppermint bath (masturbation optional). Then, I would remove any remaining particles from hard-to-reach areas with body floss.

Body floss should be pre-soaped; just add water. It's an ideal product for those last minute touch ups before sleeping with someone. "Just a minute Honey, I have to floss my a$$."

My name is Mist, and I'm a flossaholic.

Mist 1

PS: Thanks Stewart, for giving me something to blog about.


103 Comments:

At 9:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ass floss. I'm on it. I'm going to invent that right now.

 
At 10:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You must be easy to shop for!! Vodka and floss!!

 
At 10:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

no need to floss your arse,,,,that is what thongs are for isn't it? Two birds, one stone.....yada yada

BD

 
At 10:32 PM, Blogger NWJR said...

But how do you feel about dental tape?

 
At 10:35 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I'd be careful with the a$$ flossing if you're prone to removing entire chunks of flesh. Call me a party pooper, but it could put a crimp in the festivities.

 
At 10:41 PM, Anonymous othurme said...

OK...question....being reincarnated as a piece of body floss. Heaven or Hell?

 
At 10:58 PM, Blogger Jack's Shack said...

"Just a minute Honey, I have to floss my a$$."

It is called a thong. ;)

 
At 11:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy Frick.
First I must say that I abhor flossing. I hate that gappy feeling you get afterwards.

Second. Its probably because I had a ginormous gap between my two front teeth as a kid, and my orthodontist told me I had to try and floss around my braces. Yeah right.

 
At 11:23 PM, Blogger SQT said...

Wow, I hope Stewart includes this in his addiction links.

It's probably going to be one of the best.

 
At 11:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok. I'll say it. That's just freaky.

Flossing is such an unpleasant task for me I will go to great lengths to convince myself that a Starburst or a piece of gum is just as good. I try to not intentionally make myself bleed and cry.

 
At 11:48 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

dorky,

Calling my lawyer.

claudia,

No one has ever given me floss. I am touched.

donk,

One needs to prepare one's arse for thongs. Think of it as pre-thong floss.

nwjr,

I prefer Scotch (tape).

hearts,

Did you mean to use the word pooper, or was that just a happy coincidence?

othur,

Hell. I got squeezed between to giant man-breasts once. It was suffocating. After that, I implemented a no hugging policy.

jack,

Clearly, you don't wear a thong.

kris,

I loved that special braces floss. The kind with the long pointy end to weave through the braces. Where can I get some of that without getting braces again?

sqt,

I have bared my soul for him.

jester,

I love gum too. As for Starburst, I stick to the yellows and pinks.

 
At 11:52 PM, Anonymous Bice said...

My tightie-whities sometimes become butt floss but that probably doesn't count does it?

I lost yesterday's pair in there completely. I've said too much haven't I? Damn that vodka-soaked loose tongue of mine.

 
At 1:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dental floss...interesting idea and I think I've seen the stuff, can't say I've ever used it though...I do like bubble gum though

 
At 1:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, you need to let meloncutter in on that ass floss idea.

 
At 1:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Floss for your teeth and the rest of your body...interesting idea. Something that would function as a sort of "mind floss"--to get rid of the junk in our minds--would be good, too. Oh, yeah. There's blogging.

 
At 2:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

We are all here to help you fight this terrible addiction, Mist.

Love the new look by the way! You finally did it!

 
At 3:13 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Mastubration is never optional. It is always mandatory.

You have much to learn, Grasshopper.

 
At 3:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Should we finish with a peppermint thong? Kind of like mouthwash for the arse?

 
At 4:53 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Is every surface of your house covered in tiny flecks of food from flossing vigorously?

 
At 5:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I may as well use hot wax. That a$$ floss is always getting tangled and ripping it out.

Michael

 
At 5:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I’ll admit that flossing is super rewarding when I do pull a chunk of something out that is lurking between my teeth.

I’ll also admit that tea tree baths are my favorite.. there is nothing like that tingling feeling inside.

When you paten the body floss.. I want to be the first to know.. if I am amazed at what I can pull out of my teeth.. I am fascinated by what I may pull out of my a$$

 
At 5:29 AM, Blogger PhoenixHearse said...

Ew, I hate flossing...unless maybe they made vinegar flavored floss, I loe vinegar.

 
At 5:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I look at my used floss too. Is there a support group?

 
At 5:57 AM, Blogger Crack La Rock said...

Oh...I think we both know whoerrrrr*...what I am addicted to.


*I tried to make it like a funny verbal play like I caught myself saying WHO but went into errrrrr and then changed it to WHAT....but all I did was spell the word(phoneticaly)spell the word Whore...whoerr...Did I just call you a who'er? A grarishly painted who're? Naw, couldnt be.

 
At 5:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How did you get over your lip balm addiction? I've been an addict since I was 14 and I see no end in sight.

 
At 6:26 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

I've always thought that the old soap on a rope was intended for that purpose alone.

 
At 6:27 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

You are on the road to recovery - admission - isn't that the first step???

And if you are a good girl maybe Santa will bring you some golden floss in your stocking...just sayin - he is an enabler you know...

 
At 6:39 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

Was never a fan of flossing until I found out that after talking to a hot guy and checking my mirror afterwards, I had food in my teeth. I love flossing too. I have other compulsions as well. Dammit I'm damaged.

 
At 6:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh girl your addiction list is almost the exact same as mine. except for the entire freaking topic. lol sans floss i have a pure addiction to shoes, men and pickles. not in any particular order. lol

then there's pens stationary (postits and cards and such) crack, mojitos, manhattans, gin and cabana boys. woohoo!!

 
At 6:46 AM, Blogger Natalia said...

You had me at leather apron. After that, I couln't think of anything but leather face and the texas chainsaw massacre.

-N

 
At 7:00 AM, Anonymous Rhea said...

If you love to floss, you will absolutely flip over the Waterpic. You need to buy one. It's about $50 and it's like a power-washer for the teeth and gumes.

 
At 7:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's the first step, admitting it....you're on your way to recovery!
Peace

 
At 7:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's the first step, admitting it....you're on your way to recovery!
Peace

 
At 7:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

There's something very satisfying about forcing things open, isn't there?

 
At 7:35 AM, Anonymous Tug said...

You have drawers in your coffee table?

 
At 7:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Better floss than chocolate. Ever try to clean your teeth with Belgian chocolates?

 
At 7:53 AM, Anonymous Dallas DysFUNction said...

OOO just think of the Market for Ass floss! You could make Millions...

 
At 7:56 AM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

I think you're on to something.

Get a patent.

 
At 7:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If anyone could market Body Floss it's you Mist. I bet we'd all buy.

I want minty-soaped Floss plz.

:)

 
At 8:01 AM, Blogger fringes said...

Michael Jackson has far greater, um, well, I just don't think it was whitening soap that did him in. Just sayin'

Another great post about the mundane. Your blog is a weird addiction in itself.

 
At 8:11 AM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

Aw, Mist, you don't have to go through this alone ... if you want someone to help you develop the body floss idea, I'm in.

I bet your teeth will outlive you.

 
At 8:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you are my long lost twin. We share the same obsessions, shoes, floss, peppermint soap. I look forward to going to the dentist. Two peas in a pod :)

 
At 8:44 AM, Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

I'm lucky if I remember to floss once a week!

I'm flossing vicariously through you!!

 
At 9:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just dropped in to say hi...my sis said I should:)

Congratulations on the 2nd place at bloglaughs...you deserve it!

Flossing? There was a poster in my dentists office when I was a kid that had a picture of dentures and underneath it it said "The alternative to flossing". Okaaay, I now floss regularily.

 
At 9:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are a strange one, lass.

It's what I like most about you.

 
At 9:26 AM, Blogger C said...

I am just dull and unaddicted I guess.

 
At 9:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Men AND index cars...

You hide a pair of devil horns under that hair don't you? ;)

Steve~

 
At 10:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a similiar problem with Secret deoderant. I like to reapply a few times a day. I keep it in my bathroom, car, purse, backpack. I even stop by different stores to see if they've got new flavors. I wonder what a "Sparkling Scent" might do. I wonder why I would want my underarms to sparkle. I wonder if I'm feeling Ambitious, or Vanilla Sparkle, or Pear Illusion or Violet Dazzle today. Or maybe just Shower Fresh. I wonder what's wrong with me.

 
At 10:18 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Mist,

Intentional, of course. I didn't see the need to insert a smiley face for your edification.

 
At 11:03 AM, Anonymous Bice said...

Where'd my comment go? Did it get banned or lost in cyberspace?

 
At 11:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Shazam, more comments before lunch than I get in two weeks. Please pass the floss.

 
At 11:42 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

bice,

Bring that vodka soaked tongue over here. That sounds hot.

shadow,

Gum is almost as good.

skittles,

Why? What's up his a$$?

lizza,

Ah, Mental Floss. Great magazine.

ghost,

You care. You all really do care. I can feel the support.

mr. fab,

I am a slow learner.

wg,

Brilliant. Also, farting would no longer be humiliating in public.

av,

You should see the screen on my laptop.

michael,

Well, of course you need wax. Everyone needs wax.

mj,

I pull this blog out of my a$$ every day.

phoenix,

Tell me, would you use douche as mouthwash?

ctw,

Looking is okay. Smelling is bad.

crack,

That is so sweet. Stop it, people will say we're in love.

karma,

Group therapy and electric shocks.

furious,

Remind me to use my own bodywash when I use your shower.

cheeky,

Santa brought me a Hummingbird. No, not a vibrator. It's a batttery powered flosser.

maiden,

Nothing wrong with a little damage. It's part of your charm.

yasamin,

Where have you been all my life? Why don't we live next door to each other?

natalia,

Sweet dreams tonight.

rhea,

Dear Santa, are you listening?

odat,

I expected that comment from ODAT.

matt,

Are you still talking about our date?

tug,

I have drawers all over my house.

0,

No, but I have gargled with Belgian beer.

dallas,

You can test it for me.

pissy,

I will try to remember the little people when I am Queen of the body floss industry.

mayren,

I never thought about being the spokesmodel. I can see it now.

fringes,

The mundane is sort of my thing.

123,

I'm a few years older than my teeth.

divine,

Can I be the evil twin?

Thanks for coming by.

maven,

I've got you covered.

trish,

Who's your sister?

Thanks for coming by.

mystic,

I like that the most about me too.

c,

It's never to late to get an addiction. That's the beauty of addicitions.

steven,

Damn, did I write cars? I meant cards.

lee,

Do your pits sparkle? I need to know.

hearts,

I don't know how to make smileys.

bice,

You've been cleared.

 
At 11:43 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

People are just really, really interested in floss.

 
At 11:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think body floss is a great idea. Fat people could use it to grab the lint that probably gets collected in between their rolls too.

 
At 11:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Barb at boo7

 
At 12:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Indeed they do. I just went and checked.

 
At 12:08 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

miztris,

Maybe Jenny Craig will market it.

trish,

Ah. Boo. Thanks. I wish my sister would blog.

lee,

Not to sound like I have a fetish or anything, but perhaps a photo on your blog would be nice.

 
At 12:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Indeed they do. I just went and checked.

 
At 12:12 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Soooo, how about sharing those pretty flossed teeth with us once? C'mon a pic of just your teeth - it would certainly be the highlight of the whole gangs day :)

 
At 12:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you see a giant Drugstore.com truck pull out front your place, don't assume it's for your neighbor.

I just ordered a three-lifetime supply of dental floss for you. Merry Christmas and all that.

 
At 12:21 PM, Blogger Just telling it like it is said...

tehee..masterbation optional...I laughed..I understand your addition..I do because because I am from a family of pickers...and I have to say..that I am indeed a pickaholic...pickety pick pick all my various boyfriends over the years..I know...it's a problem..but I am unable to stop the addiction...I feel your pain..or not pain if that makes any sence..

 
At 12:25 PM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

Warning:

Masturbating in a peppermint bath may cause stinging.

I'm just sayin'

 
At 12:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can't type much--I'm busily drawing up plans for my new Colorful Index Card Ass Floss (must not create painful paper cuts). From your blog to my laboratory!

 
At 12:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My current addictions are to Nutella, Guitar Hero 2 and gay pron courtesy of Meatspin dot com. By the way, as of today my Meatspin record is 1500 spins. I rock.

 
At 12:39 PM, Blogger Tom Bailey said...

flossaholic? It would be interesting to know the 12 step program to stop doing it so often.

 
At 1:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mrs Poly is a dental Hygenist,
she gets a special extra thin floss made by POH that is fantastic.
I think I share your obsession,
wanna trade floss?

 
At 1:13 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

meg,

If everyone antes up a few bucks, I'll post more than that.

dan,

I'm going to need a storage unit.

tellin',

I have yet to pick someone else's teeth. I think I want to.

Thanks for coming by.

britt,

First it's hot. Then it's cold. Mmmmm.

jocelyn,

Get someone else to test that. I hate papercuts.

riss,

I love Guitar Hero. I can spend hours in Best Buy playing it. I don't rock.

tom,

The first step is admitting the problem. The second is turning my life over to my dentist.

poly,

You were thinking. I'm going to marry a hygenist. I'll trade you for your wife.

 
At 1:59 PM, Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I have quite a few additions, but I don’t count dental floss among. Of course, I do have two water picks.

 
At 2:25 PM, Blogger Karmyn R said...

Is Ass floss a way to remove Crack Spackle?

 
At 2:25 PM, Anonymous kelley said...

My mom manages an orthodontic practice. I get boxes and boxes full of floss samples, toothpaste samples, you name it: the latest and greatest in oral hygiene.

Jealous much?

 
At 2:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My mom manages an orthodontic practice. I get boxes and boxes full of floss samples, toothpaste samples, you name it: the latest and greatest in oral hygiene.

Jealous much?

 
At 3:15 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nick,

Rub it in a little more.

karmyn,

Crack kills.

kelley,

Nothing says that you care more than sending me a box of samples.

 
At 3:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am camera shy, but let me assure you...I am Hot.

 
At 3:30 PM, Blogger Just telling it like it is said...

I laughed again...you people crack me up..so what is it that I do all day when I am off...I can't help myself I read blogs, write blogs..crack up..I have no life...
I do work...mostly for peanuts...but I think my patients appreciate my nursing skills..but I could be wrong...I loved your blog..I'll be back..for a laugh

 
At 3:43 PM, Blogger Stan Mackey said...

Just been reading you a few days Mist and I must say...a girl who changes her undies every 3 months but flosses many times daily, sticks her tongue down a guys throat with some sort of scabby disease on her lip, likes peppermint baths and m***********...sounds like my kinda girl. Too bad I'm ancient and been attached for over 30 years. You are indeed 1 funny writer. I see why Vice and Mr. Fab stop in for a laugh. Looks like I'll have to try and find to to read the archives. :-)

 
At 3:48 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

lee,

Me too. I'm also humble.

tellin',

The good folks who comment here are my favorite people on Earth. I'm not a financial advisor, but you should try working for money instead of peanuts.

stan,

Ancient is good. Attached makes things complex.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 4:39 PM, Blogger Nihilistic said...

I knew that was you...hanging out in the flossing district...trying to score some "mouth thread" as you addicts call it on the street! I got my eye on you!!!

 
At 5:10 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nihilistic,

C'mon, man. Just one last time. Don't make me use a piece of string.

 
At 5:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmmm. i find this post very interesting. i have the opposite compulsive behaviour. or dis-behaviour. because i don't floss. ever. my dentist, who used to threaten me with his "your gums will rot and your teeth will fall out if you don't floss" sky-is-falling foolish talk now understands that i can't be bullied. i can't be prodded. i can't even be shamed into flossing. and you know what? still got all my teeth! well, all of them except for the 7 that are missing congenitally. whoops, possibly too much information.

 
At 5:51 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

hube,

Nothing is too much information here.

 
At 6:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I always thought that was what thongs were for, to floss your a$$.

 
At 6:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whenever I go to the dentist, they ask how often I floss. I have to tell them, "I hadn't been flossing until about a week ago, when I realized that I had a dental appointment coming up."

 
At 6:25 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

killer,

Now I am certain that you are really a man.

bird,

At least you are honest. My dentist has told me that I might think about cutting down on my flossing.

 
At 6:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like the new look :)

 
At 6:52 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

chris,

Thanks, but what about my teeth?

 
At 7:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, you made me guffaw. Hope your happy. Actually, Mist, the thing was the timing. First the step up: two addictions..alcohol and women..and the punchline in response to this: I was in love.

Funny.

I get the feeling that there is a certain tactile satisfaction in flossing. Unrolling that stretch of waxed, or unwaxed line, pulling it taut between the fingers, slipping it forcefully down betwen the teeth. Ah...and then the process of pulling it back and forth and liberating whatever might be trapped there.

Repeating the process.
Now spit.
Sexy.
Very.

 
At 7:13 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

stewart,

I don't spit. It's not polite.

 
At 8:04 PM, Blogger Strawberrysurf said...

Mist, I am addicted to Vit C. I pop them all the time: when I wake up, before bed, after meals, before meals, and whenever I'm bored. I heard it increases your sexual prowess.

 
At 8:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did you ever see Crumb? His brother used a cloth floss that worked its way through his digestive system and cleaned him out. Seriously creepy.

 
At 8:27 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

strawberry,

Be careful with that stuff. It has laxative properties. Not that I've had a bad experience or anything.

 
At 8:51 PM, Blogger JR's Thumbprints said...

I have a short story titled "Floss" which first appeared in the Detroit MetroTimes. It can be accessed through my blog if you're interested. As for weird addictions, flossing isn't such a bad one to have.

 
At 8:58 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

crank,

I love Crumb. As for the internal flossing thing, my cat does the same thing with shoelaces.

jr,

I've got worse ones.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 9:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My husband designs toothbrushes to earn the scratch to keep us online. He would be pleased to hear that you floss very regularly.

-velvet

 
At 9:33 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

velvet,

Toothbrush designer? I didn't even know that was a career choice. Damn the career center at my college. They steered me wrong.

 
At 12:55 PM, Blogger Jon said...

91 comments about floss. Are you sure this isn't a Seinfeld episode?

 
At 1:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think Michael Jackson had an anal lightening episode that went horribly wrong...

 
At 4:31 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

jon,

I didn't use any racial slurs, did I?

Thanks for coming by.

olives,

I think it's best that we never talk about his anus again.

 
At 11:48 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

I have one of those floss sticks that you slip the appendage on and then throw out after one (or two or three uses). It's really cool. It makes flossing for people like me whose teeth are really close together much easier. Also, I dip it in mouthwash and rinse it off and dip it again a few times while I'm flossing. Leaves minty fresh mouthwash antiseptic between my teeth which is a good thing.

 
At 1:05 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

icl,

I love those things. I keep them in the car.

 
At 8:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cinnamon floss? Why don’t we have that here? Bring some when you next visit, eh?

Puss

 
At 1:14 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

Is floss on the FAA restricted list?

 
At 1:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I downloaded a nice movie once called " the full body floss", this one guy swallowed a peice of something tied to a string and than he shat it out, followed him pulling it in and out with his hands.... you get much more flossed than that.

 
At 8:52 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

anon,

My cat does that.

 

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