To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Thursday, December 14, 2006

A Snake & My Pipes


I've been plagued with a slow kitchen sink for months. I have had enough. Time for action.

I get excellent customer service in hardware stores because the best way to describe my attire is "slightly slutty." I handle all the nuts and the guys go wild. I have persuaded many of them to come home with me and "fix" stuff.

The new guy at the hardware store passed off the man in coveralls to another employee to help me. "I'm a plumber. It's what I do," he explained to his jealous associate. This is my new favorite line. Since I don't actually do anything, I have substituted "plumber" with all kinds of other professions. I love the way it sounds. Brain Surgeon, Broker, Golddigger. No matter what, it just works.

I giggled a thank you and said something about laying pipe, thus securing good customer service.

I explained the situation. I told him that it turns out that I don't actually have a garbage disposal. I toss everything in the sink and flip the light on and off. I have done this for years. I have poured every caustic chemical down the drain with no success. I have even used Professional products. I needed a snake.

He demonstrated how to use the snake. "Oh," I said. "I'm sure I can handle that." I think I even said, "tee hee."

I got home and ran 15 feet of coil down my drain. It promptly snapped off. It is still there. My sink vomited up a murky grey liquid with flecks of green and black in it. The kitchen suddenly smelled of cheese. Clearly, I have to move.

Tomorrow, I will wear a tiny skirt and return the part of the snake that is not stuck in my drain. I will demand a full refund. I will also slip the plumber my phone number.

I'm a tramp. It's what I do.

Mist 1

PS: Tomorrow, FairMaiden has graciously granted me the opportunity to speak about the A$$hole of the Week. Please stop by and check her blog out.


92 Comments:

At 9:25 PM, Anonymous Alison said...

First the murky liquid at the bottom of the fridge, now the sink. Yep. It's time to move.

 
At 9:35 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

alison,

Can I stay with you? You know, just until I get back on my feet or win the lottery or something?

I'll take care of the cat and any plumbing needs that may arise.

 
At 9:53 PM, Blogger STAK said...

i have a well...........so when an orifice of my domicile becomes semi-clogged.......fools gold spews forth into the toilet or sink owner of said orifice........occasionally, it paints th e ceiling.....visitors mistakenly believe i've gold plated just about everything in my house and begin "gold-digging" without hesitation......the fools.......

 
At 9:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mist your great girl! I love that your so open about the way you dress.. I do the same I just call it social engineering.

 
At 10:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

yipes!! it's a good thing you know how to handle things!

 
At 10:14 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

stak,

Sounds beautiful. A vision. You have the Midas touch.

junkie,

That's a nice way to say it.

claudia,

I am handy with nuts. I wish I was handy with kitchen sinks.

 
At 10:17 PM, Anonymous Bice said...

I've read your archives... your sink is THE dark portal to Hell itself. It's Satan's sink.

 
At 10:19 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

bice,

I feed it raw meat.

 
At 11:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I broke my new digital camera. Would you mind suiting up and returning it for me?
;-)

 
At 11:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I broke my new digital camera. Would you mind suiting up and returning it for me?
;-)

 
At 11:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I broke my new digital camera. Would you mind suiting up and returning it for me?
;-)

 
At 11:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I broke my new digital camera. Would you mind suiting up and returning it for me?
;-)

 
At 11:18 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

This is going to cost you. I will issue you a frequent commenters discount, but that's a personal favor. Please tell me that you kept the receipt.

 
At 12:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm a tramp, it's what I do. lol Loved the way you broght that full circle. Great post as per usual.

BD

word verification: Aswey

really blogger you want to go there?

did they just ask me how much my ass weighs?

BD

 
At 12:14 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I think your sink is pregnant.

Don't you have a landlord who can take care of wayward plumbing fixtures?

 
At 12:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tramp is cool. I appriciate good tramping.

Later Y'all

 
At 12:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why not get him to come over and fix it? You can pay him with the pleasure of your company.

 
At 3:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

well mist my charlie has two tools, a plastic butter knife and a chain saw. he cannot fix a thing but he likes his tools.....bee

 
At 4:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not even your bronze abs helped?

 
At 5:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
You are a credit to every poor working plumber who dreams of such a problem. I am so proud of you!

 
At 5:17 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Just cut the pipe after it leaves the sink so everything gets dumped into the cabinet below the sink. Then seal off the cabinet completely so it's completely waterproof and voila! You've got something that will last you until your lease runs out. Then you need to run like the wind.

 
At 5:18 AM, Blogger The Stiltwalker said...

I whore myself at hardware stores as well...

 
At 5:23 AM, Blogger Babs said...

You could tell the plumer there is something stuck in your hole and you need his assistance. Then give him the number.

 
At 5:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

After reading this, I put on a really short skirt, went to a hardware store, and started talking about needing help with my nuts. No one would come near me. I think your advice is flawed.

 
At 5:44 AM, Anonymous swampwitch said...

"He demonstrated how to use the snake in the store?" Was there a clogged-up sink with no garbage disposal there, too?
I will be watching the Nightly News for your story tonight...A Tramp with a snake accosts a plumber, in public.

 
At 5:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

After reading this, I put on a really short skirt, went to a hardware store, and started talking about needing help with my nuts. No one would come near me. I think your advice is flawed.

 
At 5:50 AM, Blogger PhoenixHearse said...

OH! So you must be that kind of gutter slut that desiree talks about...the one that wears the shirt that reads I Loves The Cock.

 
At 6:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Slutty always works for me.. Just tell them how you were really workin it… that will do it for ya.. you may even have a few come over to help un clog your pipes….*Ü*

 
At 6:24 AM, Blogger Natalia said...

I am plagued with a non-working insinkerator (that's not the correct spelling and I don't care). But I have yet to get the plumber to come over. I keep thinking it will fix itself. Like we get ver colds without having to see the doctor. I know there is some logic there...leave me alone.

-N

 
At 6:35 AM, Anonymous Dallas DysFUNction said...

I know how to lay pipe very well! I'm the best plumber around... I especially like to take my pipe through the back door. No seriously...

 
At 6:54 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

plumbing problems are the worst. we have these low lying mains where i live and the main will get frozen and then the toilets back up. wooo!!!! pooop!

please go on about the tiny skirt.

 
At 6:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whenever I have problems with my kitchen sink I yell profane things at it, it seems to help. I also tend to "dangle" over the disposal, sometimes I even turn it on...I am kind of like the evil kinevil of kitchen sinks.

I Love You,
Q

 
At 6:57 AM, Blogger Tug said...

When you take that part of the snake back, it might be a good idea to tell him this won't happen to HIS before slipping him your phone number. Just sayin'.

 
At 7:11 AM, Anonymous swampwitch said...

Did BoogerGlobber eat my comment again, or did I leave the wrong comment at someone else's place?
It's not going to make any sense at all to see this. Today's headlines:
"TRAMP with SNAKE Accosts PLUMBER in Public" or something like that.

 
At 7:18 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

I am ordering your business cards from VistaPrint right now.

 
At 7:18 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

I am also entering you into a contest for that show "Dirty Jobs".

 
At 7:23 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

Just have him come over and fix it for you........

 
At 7:23 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

donk,

So, how much does it weigh?

hearts,

She better not birth any little sinks. I swear, I will put them in a box and throw them out of my car on the highway.

melon,

Ooh, did you see the movie about the lady and the tramp?

shadow,

If only my campany were pleasurable. I'm fun for a few minutes, then I'm kind of annoying.

bee,

I have a spork that I am willing to sell him.

skittles,

Not even my abs. Apparently, you don't use abs when you work with plumbig. What does your plumber look like?

0,

Plumbers dream about me?

av,

I'm just going to stop using the kitchen entirely. It will be like living in the dorms again.

stilt,

Were you the one in aisle 4? I love your shoes.

babs,

He kept asking me if I was sure that it was food clogging the drain. "You didn't drop anything else down there, did you?" I din't know what he meant. Now I know what he meant by "down there."

swamp,

He actually took me into the pipe aisle and did a reenactment. Of course, in his version things ended up differently.

killer,

Did you wax first? I get the same reaction when I don't wax first.

phoenix,

I've been wearing a PS3 shirt. Then I say to guys, "Wanna stay up and play with me all night?" Works like a charm.

mj,

Slightly slutty. Not sluttly. World of difference. I'll explain if necessary.

natalia,

Denial is how I got myself in this rat bastard situation.

dallas,

I never thought about the back door. Mine goes from under the sink to the outside.

furious,

How can you want to hear more about the skirt when you are talking frozen crap? I know which one I think is more interesting.

q,

I hadn't thought about turning it on. Be careful with that dangle thing though. Could be painful.

tug,

Good advice. Have you done this before?

 
At 7:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

try starting a fire. its a quick way to get home repairs.

i guess i need to say this "wow , would i like to snake your drain baby"

 
At 7:25 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

swamp,

I'll have two of what you're having.

britt,

Just get me a box of 500 cards. I change my mind like I change my hair color.

cheeky,

Now I'm playing hard to get.

 
At 7:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

snake, mmm, I want a snake

 
At 7:33 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

shoes,

Call me. My drain could use a good snaking. I've been doing it all by myself.

margaret,

$15 and you too can damage a snake.

 
At 7:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gah! Your sink sounds like a Freddie Krueger movie! I like the social engineering comment...work it girl!

 
At 7:36 AM, Anonymous kelley said...

I burned-out the motor on my garbage disposal a few months ago when I accidentally used it to dispose of a sock. Who would have guessed that a sock would be so damaging? It had managed to grind, like, five shot glasses, no problem.

 
At 7:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I burned-out the motor on my garbage disposal a few months ago when I accidentally used it to dispose of a sock. Who would have guessed that a sock would be so damaging? It had managed to grind, like, five shot glasses, no problem.

 
At 7:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is your home built over an old indian burial site?

 
At 7:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I burned-out the motor on my garbage disposal a few months ago when I accidentally used it to dispose of a sock. Who would have guessed that a sock would be so damaging? It had managed to grind, like, five shot glasses, no problem.

 
At 7:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I burned-out the motor on my garbage disposal a few months ago when I accidentally used it to dispose of a sock. Who would have guessed that a sock would be so damaging? It had managed to grind, like, five shot glasses, no problem.

 
At 7:44 AM, Anonymous swampwitch said...

Smokin' Pencil Shavings..., just kidding!

 
At 7:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i think our drain is full of bottle caps. my husband friends come over and throw bottle caps in the drain. i mean, WHO DOES THAT? I think they need their brains snaked.

 
At 8:02 AM, Blogger Nattie said...

I'm having plumbing problems, can you come visit?

I'll make us a nice Xmas turkey :D

 
At 8:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I once ridiculed my high school buddy's "pipe dreams" as he set off for vocational school and I for a creative writing program.

I might be retarded.

 
At 8:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Funny. The black guy who came to fix my bathroom when the neighbor's toilet backed into my tub wasn't nearly so charming.

 
At 8:51 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Mist - turn the charm on and I bet you get a whole new kitchen out of it. Your a smart girl!!!

:)

 
At 9:10 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

beth,

Now I'm afraid to sleep.

gyuss,

I don't know. What do I look under in the Yellow Pages to find someone who can test the land?

kelley,

Socks are worse than shot glasses? I don't have either. I don't wear socks and I drink straight from the bottle.

swamp,

No. 2 pencils?

miztris,

You watch a lot of horror movies, don't you? That is even better than the Saw movie that scared the pants off of me.

nattie,

Make me a honey-do list.

matt,

How's that creative writing thing working for you? I'm thinking about going back to school for a trade.

meg,

I need a new closet more than I need a new kitchen.

 
At 9:21 AM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

I've seen you.

Go hang around a construction site.

I'm sure a few guys would offer to build you a new kitchen.

AND a closet.

 
At 9:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Perhaps you should tell the guy you're better with nuts than snakes, but you're willing to work on it??

 
At 9:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

thats good blog. check my :
http://donatecar-angello90.blogspot.com/
it is about guitars and cars etc click at least one ad -or more would be better - please, ill be so greatfull =)

 
At 9:44 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

pissy,

That is the best compliment of the day.

sqt,

That sounds too much like commitment.

 
At 10:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you're such a whore...and that's why I love you.

 
At 10:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh my freaking god! why didnt you just take the damned plumber home so he could check your pipes and you could clean his out!!??

good lord. you know better then to try that shit on your own. lol

ps... once this creepy guy followed me from the parking lot to my apartment and i ran into the apartment panicking and screamed for nick that i had a stalker. nick answered the knock at the door only to find out the creepy guy was the plumber there to fix our sink. lol im retarded.

 
At 11:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
You could give up the kitchen and it would be like being back in the dorms....that's when my brain froze up. I'm not sure I can get it jump started again. It was so fragile to begin with....oh well, please pass me a beer, I'll just watch

 
At 12:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy crap. I'm sorry about your sink.

 
At 12:56 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

a. whore,

I'm a whore. It's what I do. See, it just sounds good.

yasamin,

I wanted to feel empowered. Now I think it's more empowering to bring the plumber home.

0,

I hope I get a single room this semester.

lbb,

Me too. Can I use yours.

 
At 1:39 PM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

Thanks for pimping me out.

 
At 1:44 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

maiden,

I'll see you tomorrow.

 
At 1:56 PM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

I wish my kitchen smelled of cheese. I like cheese.

 
At 1:57 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

mr. fab,

C'mon over. Bring a bottle of Draino. I have some wine.

 
At 2:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

And you could wear fuck-me pumps while making all sorts of puns about needing a good pump...and so on. What a fruitful metaphor is this plumbing business.

 
At 2:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol smart girl. you know the rules. when at first you don't succeed, manipulate someone else into doing it for you.

stick that in your rule book!

 
At 2:33 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

jocelyn,

Why didn't I think of that?

yasamin,

Rules? Oh, I just make those up as I go along.

 
At 3:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

At first I was kind of creeped out when my high school English teacher kept giving me A's just because I wore short skirts.

I have gotten over that creepiness because it's quite apparent that a push-up bra and legs without cellulite get you very far, and I have to utilize them when I can.

Okay, so I might have a smidge of cellulite. But that's nothing a wonderbra can't distract away from.

 
At 3:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lol. So funny! Use those assets. It almost sounds like the start of a bad porn...:)

 
At 3:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My plumbing needs some attention, too.

And by that I mean I need to get laid.

 
At 5:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You've got to be so careful where you put your snakes!
Peace

 
At 5:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Would you please come to my Home Depot? I got great boobs but I'm terrible at flirting. I'll wear something low-cut and you do all the talking. I really need some work done.

 
At 6:44 PM, Blogger Nihilistic said...

I'm commenting...its what I do!

 
At 6:49 PM, Blogger fringes said...

Why didn't you take the plumber home in the first place? Rule #1, we don't do our own plumbing until we're married.

 
At 6:54 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

h & b,

We would make a good team. You distract them with the Wonderbra, I'll do that thing with my tongue.

chris,

I 've seen that porn; "Using My Ass-ets."

123,

Have you calld your plumber?

odat,

How was I supposed to know? I've never had my own snake.

lee,

I do offer a course. Enrollment for the next quarter starts next week.

nihilistic,

You just reminded me of Prez. Bush. "I'm the Decider."

fringes,

Married? Looks like my sink is out of commission for a long time.

 
At 9:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I broke my new digital camera and am afraid to return it, would you mind suiting up for me?
;-)

 
At 9:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You live in the Poltergeist house. BTW, I'm still lobbying for that driving article ;>)

 
At 9:59 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

I feel like I'm in Groundhog's day. Didn't I agree already? Or did you break another one?

james,

You would be my personal hero...for awhile anyway.

 
At 10:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love the way this story (like home plumbing) constantly ups the ante. First products. Then "professional" products. Then "the snake."

The next step is "the automatic snake. the one you plug in."

 
At 10:11 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

crank,

I was thinking a grenade would be next.

 
At 4:42 PM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

how is it that you make a story about a clogged drain sound so sexy??

I'm a flirt, it's what I do.

 
At 6:47 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

kiyotoe,

Clogged drains are really hot. Add a snake to the equation and you have porn.

 
At 9:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sex is the ultimate tool. It never fails to get you the hardware that you need every time.

 
At 5:15 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

velvet,

That's why I love sex. And the hardware store.

 
At 6:44 AM, Blogger honkeie2 said...

I love asking the plummers at the 'hard'ware store what caulk is used for and why does it get hard in my bathroom?

 
At 7:47 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

honk,

I'm always really disappointed by the caulk aisle.

 
At 7:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

what you describe is an action I refer to as ‘girling’ – it is a noble activity, practised by our sex since time immemorial. By dressing provocatively and getting men to do stuff you don’t want to do yourself, you are celebrating the history of womanhood is the truest way possible. Goddess, I salute you!

Puss

 
At 9:50 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

I feel so empowered.

 

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Name: Mist1
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