Bi (lingual)
I change my hair color like I change my panties. Quarterly.My hair is automatically curly. I have no idea what color it really is. Usually, I have a large mass of reddish or brownish curls on my head. Sometimes, I like a change.
In the winter, I like to have black hair. Jet black. It makes me feel Ethnic and Mysterious. I don't know what color would make me feel Rich and Powerful, so I stick with Ethnic and Mysterious.
I decided that in addition to dying it black, that I would wear it straight for awhile. In this context, "wear it straight" has nothing to do with my sexual preference. Ladies, feel free to email me. Guys, you too.
Nobody recognizes me.
Mo said, "You should rob banks." As I am currently unemployed, this seemed like an attractive business venture. "Couldn't we just chain an ATM up to the back of a truck?" I asked. We weighed the pros and cons of this idea. Mo is the kind of person who says "ATM Machine," which drives me nuts. It is not an Automatic Teller Machine Machine. But, he is like two years older than me, so I held my tongue out of respect for elders.
"I meant that you look like a different person. Like a Spanish person," he clarified. Si, por supuesto.
My Spanish is excellent. Here's what I can say:
- Yes, I would like another beer.
- Juan, please pass the salt.
- I'm sorry, is this your husband?
- I think the cat has worms.
I have been using my four phrases for an entire day. I have been slapped once. I have had several beers. My food has been extremely salty. And, it turns out that the cat does, in fact have worms.
Please take a moment and visit one of my favorite bloggers, Fair Maiden. She knows at least five phrases in Spanish. Friday, she runs a regular feature, A$$hole of the Week. Today, she has graciously/foolishly allowed me to guest blog.
Emmay Uno (Mist 1)
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:00 AM
114 Comments:
Your bangs are very long. Unless that's the back of your head in which case never mind.
Sus explosiones están muy de largo. A menos que ésa sea la parte posteriora de su cabeza en este caso nunca importe.
I know the words for beer and bathroom. Carrying a phrase book covers any other contingencies.
so is that actually a picture of you???
I just can't say enough how funny this post was to me! Thanks for ending a very crappy day (mine, not yours) on such a great note!!
I've got to comment quickly before somebody else does ... I MUST BE NO. 1!!!
bice,
So, I need a cut? So, necesito uno cut-o?
tvs,
That would involve reading. I gave that up when I started blogging.
Welcome back, haven't seen you here in awhile.
claudia,
I can't take a picture of my own back. I'm not that flexible.
othur,
I could have totally used that phrase last night.
michael,
Anytime, that's what I'm good for.
dorky,
Sorry. Please play again. No purchase necessary.
When I was in Germany, I was smart enough to bring along my friend Jorie Actually, I was smart enough to bring along girlfriend, who brought along Jorie. I brought along Tom. Anyway, friend Jorie brought along a great phrasebook that we started reading. It had useful phrases, like "You're really hot. Wanna go back to my hotel?"
Perhaps the most useful phrase was "Ich habe wurmer." or "I have worms."
I loved that book.
crank,
You're f*cking kidding me. Those two phrases negate one another.
I've always called them ATM's as well...then I moved to Pennsylvania for a few years...they called them MAC's!!! I couldn't believe it...I refused to say MAC. I glared at anyone who dared to say "Do you know where a MAC is?" Tell them I hate them!!
that's what self-timers or other people are for!
El gato tiene gusanos? I probably just said the cat has Cuban aristocratic arse-kissers.
Thank you thank you thank you for writing this blog. I so rarely wander onto a good one.
K
* I think the cat has worms.
That line has served me quite well, let me tell you.
You should adopt the beautiful gothic look for a while, it will open up all sorts of doors for you to try...
Stealing an ATM would be too much of a pain in the butt. Beating people up at the night deposit would be easier
My hair's long and black, but it ain't too straight. I've never tried changing the color, but I do change underwear regularly. I still like you, even though you don't (change your panties often, that is).
Let's drink-o una cerveza!
My hair's long and black, but it ain't too straight. I've never tried changing the color, but I do change underwear regularly. I still like you, even though you don't (change your panties often, that is).
Let's drink-o una cerveza!
Any time you want to feel Rich, just give me a call! ;-)
I consider myself fluent in a language if I've learned those four phrases, or their equivalents.
No me gusto las naranjas.
It's not true but I like saying it.
And I think purple would make you feel Rich and Powerful.
Ethnic and Mysterious? That sounds like a great new Clairol color..much better then Dirty Blonde #5.
Su mamá lleva botas de combate.
Mist, dahling. Since you are becoming an ever so successful and popular Guest Blogger (I truly loved your stint on Fringes), could you please pencil in Cardiac Fantasies for a Guest Blog, before you become quite so famous that you shan't have time for it all. Morning talk shows, guest on Oprah, and the like. Oh, and if that picture is you, you look just Mahvelous dahling!
Michael
I don't know if my last comment went through or not. Blogger hiccoughed. Here it is again, feel free to edit/delete if it's a duplicate. I won't complain.;)
The beautiful thing about foreign languages is that "Pepto Bismol" is the same in each one.
Judging by my trip to Cancun two years ago, the only Spanish I needed was the words for "extra lime" and "penicillin."
What happens in Mexico, Stays in Mexico.
Since moving to MN I have made quite a few ethnic friends (go figure). When we are sitting around drinking they try to teach me new words and phrases....I guess they think its funny to hear their language butchered by some word sluring chick with a southern twang...
I am so indecisive that I have chosen to dye the bottom half of my hair jet black and the top blondish, reddish, blackish, brownish
It brings out my charming personality.
As for foreign languages,
All I know is how to swear like a sailor.
Since moving to MN I have made quite a few ethnic friends (go figure). When we are sitting around drinking they try to teach me new words and phrases....I guess they think its funny to hear their language butchered by some word sluring chick with a southern twang...
You have inspired me. After years of dyeing my hair "down there" to please society, I'm going back to naturel
And I'm going to straighten, too!
But who will explain the mop head hanging out of my boxers?
Perhaps you could add:
"Yes, I would like another iguana, I killed the last one."
"Juan, please pass the expensive body lotion."
"I'm sorry, is this your plumber?"
mist, all this time i thought they were called titless tellers and now i find out they have letters in their names. wow. i always learn something here. thanks....bee
For some reason one of the only words that still resides in my neurons responsible for holding on to Spanish I learned in high school (you can identify those neurons by their sombreros) is platanutre, which means dried banana chip...I probably mispelled that.
But in case of some sort of international crisis involving banana chips, I'm your man.
It's a great way to thwart the attempts of undesirable guys; just say "I no speak English."
I took German for several years in college and the only phrases I know must involve a pencil. Like "my pencil is big and yellow, or I love to play with my pencil."
Spanish I can ask where the beer is, where the bathroom is, and where the bitches are. What more do you need?
i'll bet your quarterly chonies (chonies is spanish slang for panties) can stand on their own. lol
and i'm pretty sure that my roots are rainbow colored saturated with years of hair dye experimentation.
by the way... learning spanish is a great thing to do because picking someone up in spanish is sooo much more sexy than in ingles.
You never cease to amze me with your hidden talents. I too have phenomenla linguistic skills. I am an expert at ordering of the Taco Bell Menu and I know the symptoms of E. Coli.
I have naturally curly hair too. Mine is usually blond, to cover up the gray of course.
Though I did wear a black wig once for Halloween and everyone said it looked good. They were probably lying, but I'll take it anyway.
No speaka. I like the people that talk louder & slower - still in English. A coworker I had was writing directions (in English), so he wrote bigger. And wrote them out slowly, while talking loud & slow. It was very painful to watch...I'm surprised our Spanish employee didn't kill him.
I can't imagine you with straight hair.
But since your hair is so naturally and automatically curly (like GAbelle's), I'll bet people don't recognize you.
Which can come in handy.
Although no one ever mistook her for a Spanish person.....which is a good thing por que ella' no puede habla en Espanol.
Maybe hte color green would make you feel rich and powerful?
Give it a shot. ;)
Steve~
nihilistic,
I am a mack.
claudia,
Self-timer? I already turn myself on and off.
kiki,
I wish I knew what gusanos were before I ordered them at a restaurant.
Thanks for coming by.
mr. fab,
Donde esta los zapatos tacky?
jack,
I'm telling you, it's just an important thing to know.
Thanks for coming by.
shadow,
I've always wanted to do Goth. I even have capes.
matt,
Have you heard about how much $$ you can get away with if you take the entire ATM.
lizza,
I'll call you on a day when I've changed my panties.
nwjr,
Come a little closer, I want to feel Rich.
av,
You are a man of the world.
lee,
Thanks for noticing my perky naranjas.
beth,
My mom's feet are large, but I wouldn't call them boats.
michael,
I blogged for Maiden because she called me darling. You are on.
jester,
I wish that were true. The crabs didn't stay in Mexico.
mj,
I've had vertically striped hair, but never horizontal color blocks.
cheeky,
I never knew more diverse people than when I lived in MN. I'm not kidding.
gyuss,
I dare you.
swamp,
Then, I'd be fluent.
bee,
I am all about educating the public.
furious,
I am so allergic to bananas it's not even funny. I may need your help.
matt,
Thank you. That's good, right?
kelley,
That never works for me. No one wants to talk to me.
killer,
You've covered the basics.
yasamin,
I have to remember to use the word chonies.
fringes,
This is a family blog. No, seriously.
dallas,
Yo quiero e. Coli.
sqt,
I love it when people lie to me.
tug,
You're kidding me, right? That is the funniest thing I've read all day.
pissy,
Send her the link to my blog. She'll learn some handy phrases.
steven,
I've never tried green. I would post pictures of that one.
you should! CHONIES is a time honored tradition that all spanish speaker should utter when refering to someones undergarments. ;p
by the way... you don't have to approve this one but you've been linked!
yasamin,
Is my new favorite word. I need to update my links, I'm behind.
I just did the same thing mist...my hair is curly naturally...I try to wear it straight in the winter....but not black...and I feel no urges to rob a bank or speak spanish.....Maybe French, it's more romantic....Oui?
Peace
odat,
I'm not the romantic type.
Mas cerveza, por favor!!
I have dark, curly hair...and I love to straighten it so it looks like yours. Takes a little time, but worth it! And then, I can just wash it, and put some gel in it --- whole new look!
NEVER have I colored or permed my hair - I'm too chicken. However, I've had my daughter's hair all sorts of colors...even bright red.
tigger,
Wanna rob a bank with me?
Ya'll need to stop now. There's nothing better than the mysterious, long black straight hair look, especially when you throw Goth into the scenario. And the pic really is awesome, Mist. No question there.
Michael
michael,
I find that the pasty look isn't good on me.
Love the hair...mine is also naturally curly, occasionally I add a lil blonde a lil red, keep things spicy...I will be straightening it for a few days here soon, to keep the men and women ;) guessing.....
megs,
I love to keep them guessing.
Thanks for coming by.
Yo no hablo Ingles.
-N
natalia,
My father curses in Spanish. He doesn't actually speak Spanish. His favorite thing to shout is, "Ir de pescas!" Only, there's an upside down exclamation point at the beginning.
Por que, puta? *wink*
ctw,
My Spanish is a little rusty, but I think that you just asked me if I like fly fishing and hence, the wink.
My answer is yes, I do like fly fishing. If you know what I mean. *wink*
Creo que el gato tiene wormos.
I always dye my hair black. I freakin love it. my hair is naturally dark brown, but my eyebrows are black, so nobody realizes that I dye, which is cool. and when I wear lots of dark eyeliner, I've been called Cleopatra. and I dig that. :D
I'm loving the photo; it makes me want to pet you (I'll assume, perhaps wrongly, that you don't have worms). The connection I'm still trying to make, though, is why winter brings out in you the urge to be Mysterious and Ethnic. If you're good at using a flat iron, though, maybe you can come teach my yoga class?
lbb,
El meow.
miztris,
Cleopatra is totally hot.
jocelyn,
In the summer, I just can't be mysterious. It's too hot for black hair.
This is the first blog I feel compelled to check every day. Thanks for great comic timing and gory details.
kyle,
This is the first blog I check every day too. Sometimes, I am grossed out by my gory details in the morning.
Thanks for coming by.
I have been telling men for years "Sorry, no speak English" in a variety of accents.
Now I use it sometimes for panhandlers.
Oh Mist - I can teach you more Spanish as I am bi-lingual - but don't take that the wrong way - wink wink.
hearts,
You didn't have to tell me that you don't speak English. All I needed was $0.64.
c,
How do you say: "Please don't cut me out of the will." Just wondering.
Mist - You can do Goth without the pasty look. Just darken the eyes, it'll do JUST FINE. >>Evil Leer<< And email at your convenience so that we can set up your guest blog date and I can start marketing it. Heh heh. $$$$$$$ for eyes. Nah, but it will definitely skyrocket the site traffic.
michael,
I love dark eye liner.
Perhaps I will charge you a minimal fee per hit.
1. Yo tengo un crush on you.
2. Que? Claro I like you.
3. Porque? Si, I am flexible.
4. Llama me. Mi telefono? 1.800.SLUT
and...5. Mi Amor, por favor hide in the closet por cinco minutos.
what is quite fun is using babelfish to take a common english phrase, let's say, the fox is wearing purple boxer shorts, and then translating that into spanish, and then from spanish to greek, and then from greek to russian, and then from russian back to english... and you end up with something along the lines of i'm out of milk. which has nothing to do with your post other than the brief use of the word spanish.
what is quite fun is using babelfish to take a common english phrase, let's say, the fox is wearing purple boxer shorts, and then translating that into spanish, and then from spanish to greek, and then from greek to russian, and then from russian back to english... and you end up with something along the lines of i'm out of milk. which has nothing to do with your post other than the brief use of the word spanish.
did you miss me Emmay?
I knew that you would. And who the hell is Juan???
Just kidding, I don't get that jealous. But seriously, who the hell is Juan?
"...I am thinking a cocoa-muhajadin"
Automatic Teller Machine Machine. Yeah, that does sound weird.
It's so fun to play with people's assumptions. Your spanish rivals my fluency. :)
maiden,
That was either a declaration of your affection or a death threat.
huberama,
My horoscope said the same thing today.
kiyotoe,
Welcome back. He means nothing to me.
crack,
That's my stage name.
bird,
It drives me crazy.
chris,
You're right. Assumptions are fun.
1
Wow
0,
I think you mean el wow-o.
I clicked over here from Natalia's blog. You've created a wonderful one! Thanks!
Don't you also know how to say "Another glass of wine, please" in Spanish?? If not, I'm shocked.
That picture reminds me of the girl from "The Ring." She was very mysterious. Well done.
I was trying to think of a hair color that would make you feel Rich and Famous....I got nothing. Sorry
You are so damn loveable Mist. Don't you see how many regs live to read this daily? I would love to hug you, a giant bear hug.
Ethnic and Mysterious? How very diplomatic of you.
Donde es la bano?
Where is the bathroom?
Good to know after all those beers.
when changing my own hair color, I found I was a crappy blonde, fun almost red, brooding brunette... No one has mistaken me for anything exotic. However, once when I cut my hair really short during my golfing days, I got hit on by plenty of the ladies.
Wunderbar! You're a curly Q, too. I knew it. I just knew it.
Girls with curly hair are whip smart, and, um, tend to like whips.
nick,
I just adore this blog and everyone who comes here. You all make this so much fun.
Thanks for coming by.
dan,
I know how to say vino in every language.
h & b,
It kind of reminds me of the Grudge. I will never be the same after that movie.
karmyn,
I could try bald, I guess.
maiden,
Drink the Mist Kool-Aid.
orhan,
You're right, this hair does make me look diplomatic.
wg,
Usually they can tell by the way I am grabbing at my crotch and jumping around.
olives,
Brooding brunette sounds good. I want to be brooding. Not breeding. Brooding.
123,
I am partial to curly haired girls and whips too.
So how long is this straight hair thingy going to last? It must get tiring taking out the ironing board every day.
I kid you not. My daughter did this for about a year. Man, did she get split ends.
icl,
I give it three days. And honey, I don't own an ironing board. Are you kidding me?
I wish that I knew Spanish. I figure that all I need is to memorize your four phrases and I should be set.
Hey, the place is looking good! Do you change your blog color quarterly, too?
your spanish is better than mine, but then all i can say is "you're crazy"
Looks as if not only your hair received some beauty attention. Nice new site design! Love the photo ontop.
Oh, my god! Am I stoned? What the hell's going on here?
Happy New Year!
Diggin the new layout.
velvet,
It's all you'll ever need.
hearts,
Hey! It does look good here.
px,
A lot of people tell me that.
deez,
Thanks. Webmiztris did the design. Alison did the photo.
matt,
You're stoned.
othur,
Thanks. Me too.
heeeyyy sweet new style!!! :p mee riikie!! lol
Hola! Yo bueno da neuvo casa.
Burito, taco, no E.coli, por favor.
Crap, I took one semester of French in college. Lot of good it does in Tejas.
yasamin,
Thank Webmiztris for me.
babs,
French is handy when ordering wine and kissing.
My old granny said you never know when you might end up in the emergency room, so you have to change your underwear regularly. She also advised me to keep a clean crack, presumably for the same reason. She was so right.
Don't feel too bad.......in the "use it or lose it department" I took 3 years of spanish in High School and could speak it rather fluently at one time. Now? Now I can count to ten, I can say 'eggs(probably only because it sounds like balls), and should the day ever arise that some spanish speaking person HAS to know as a matter of life or death what color my pencil is I will save the day since I can easily still say "my pencil is yellow". Other than that, if that dayum taco bell dog can't say it, neither can I. Hmmmm use it or lose it? If you will excuse me I have to go check on my penis.
BD
I really love your blog! You are officially on my favorite list! I wish that I had 95 comments a day - I don't know how you guys do it. I feel so unpopular and/or boring ;)
And I only know how to ask for beer in spanish. Je suis Canadien, so french works better for me. But just barely because I only know the phrases I learned in elementary school, like "can I open the window, can I go to the bathroom," and crap like that.
Keep on writing, I love it!
slag,
Crack kills.
donk,
Awaiting an update.
me,
I have peed out of window too.
Thanks for coming by.
LOVE the new template!!
skittles,
Thanks. I needed a make-over.
Excellent template. I loves change. You run a close second.
maiden,
Second to none.
fringes,
No one has ever called me bright. I will remember that for as long as I can.
Fabulous template. Well played!
Dear Emmay Uno,
I like your new blog layout a lot, despite it doesn't look very Spanish to me :)
The cool blue gives you more room to swim about, plus it makes a nice showcase for your new hair colour.
Marie Porcelain Firefly
0,
Thank you. Thank Dawn and Alison too.
owl,
I don't always look Spanish. I always love floss.
manténgame por favor como un heredero
c,
I would love to manage your inheritance.
I have been married for 5 years to a spanish woman and all the spanish I know is:
-Where is the bathroom?
-What time is it?
-Dont make me masterbate....
maybe in the next 5 years I can learn how to understand the answers
honk,
I find that answers are irrelevant. You can guess based on facial expressions and which direction they point.
honk,
I find that answers are irrelevant. You can guess based on facial expressions and which direction they point.
My cherry red barnet is returning to brunette today. For how long, I couldn’t say. But I never look anything other than English – I think it’s the greying skin tone that does it.
Puss
puss,
If you choose a language obscure enough, no one will catch on.
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