Call Cher, It's Mask II
I'm not good in emergencies. Unless they're fashion emergencies. Then I shine.Last night, I got a phone call from a friend needing a ride to the hospital. She had the kind of emergency that made her make stupid requests.
She rattled off a list of ailments. I pretended to listen. "Are you typing?" she asked. I couldn't tell her that I was posting pictures of my toes to a foot fetish Flickr group. I lied. I told her that I was checking her symptoms online. To prove my point, I asked her if she was having a buning sensation during urination or pain in her left arm. "It's my face, Idiot." I didn't ask her where she went to medical school.
I asked her to hold and put down the phone. I stood up and did a field sobriety test. After reciting the alphabet backwards, I agreed to drive her to the ER.
When I say, "I'll be right there," I mean that as soon as I check both email addresses, sitemeter, and my feeds, I'll be on my way. Also, I remembered that you're supposed to wear clean underwear to the hospital. I made a quick change.
As I touched up my hair and makeup, I hoped that she wasn't hemorrhaging. I took a final glance in the mirror. My sweater was all wrong. Maybe it was the jeans. I ignored her calls as I changed my shoes.
I looked spectacular when I arrived at her house. I felt a little bad when I saw her. She looked awful; a little like my last mug shot. The right side of her face was nearly unrecognizable. Her eye was swollen shut. I wondered if she had always had a cleft palate. It seems like I would have noticed, but I've never seen her without makeup.
I have watched enough medical dramas to know what to do. I retched. Then I stabbed her in her face with my EpiPen. I'm sure she'll thank me when she wakes up. There was no way that we could have spent the evening in the hospital, there's no free Wi-Fi.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:15 AM
77 Comments:
I can't imagine her having any complaints, unless she's incoherent or ungrateful.
The problem with the world is the idea that people, even friends, should be allowed to impose. I know, there are some who will chastise me, but dammit, someone's got to say it. It is about US. We're not selfish...we're considerately self aware. We're empathically and gracefully self motivated. We're darlings of US. We are rocks, we are islands.
So, Mist, I fully appreciate this story and stand behind you one hundred percent. Should you need me to come to your defense once the comments start roling in, just drop me a line. It may take some time, but I'll be here. Eventually. After, you know...well....
In this crazy world, my dear Mist, I'm so glad SOMEONE has their priorities straight.
All those doctors you could meet at the hospital ... you done good, kid.
Oh, wait. Your friend? Is she a little less ugly now?
1
Is she lucky that you got that medical training from WKRP when you were younger. Did you ever take the final?
Remind me to call you the next time I need a doc. I hate waiting in the ER.
Dr. Mist to the rescue!!
Hey, you came armed with an epi pen looking fabulous, what more could a friend ask for?
A regular Florence Nightingale you are. Actually, I'm one to talk. Whenever I have to go to the emergency room to have my heart shocked back into rythm, I usually take a shower, eat a good meal and make sure I've Tivo'd everything on for the next 6 hours.
I also cannot leave the house without checking my email and blog stats. I've started wearing a golden band on my right hand in honor of my blog...
I love a girl who knows how to prioritize!
Yes, but did you floss before you left the house??
I don't think I could survive your brand of tough love. With a friend like you, who needs...anti-depressants?
stewart,
I am totally an island. I think that others will see my value as a friend. I am a people person. Especially when it comes to myself.
123,
I know...the doctors, sigh. If they had offered wi-fi, I would have gone to meet the doctors. I'm not sure how she looks. I raided her liquor cabinet and left.
0,
I saw that in syndicate. I'm more of an ER kind of girl. Also, I've seen plenty of reality TV.
lex,
Call me. I might be a little late. I'm sure you'll understand.
sqt,
Exactly. Everyone should have a friend like me.
michael,
You have TiVo? Can I come over?
bice,
I think I should have done my hair before checking my email.
othur,
It's not the people waiting, it's those damn doctors. Get me every time.
nihilistic,
Twice.
lizza,
Do you have anti-depressants? We need to talk. I can't get any of those because I'm too hyper.
EpiPen
Better that than your epilady.
While blog surfing, I stumbled upon your adventures!
You're hiliarious! I always find myself giggling when reading your blog.
Thanks for writing.
I'm just glad you brought the epipen instead of jumper cables.
you should have dragged her to a bar, propper her up and ordered a few drinks. Think how good you would have looked next to her.
Do you have the link to the foot fetish Flickr group? Just curious. I mean, I hope your friend is ok now. *ahem*
You're a good friend, Mist. Remind me to call you the next time I need an adrenaline shot to the heart.
So funny! I really enjoyed this!
Chelle
Maybe if you just did her makeup all would have been well… then if that did not work … shoot away with the EpiPen.
~Too FUNNY~
wow! You're just like the doctors on that show...you know...the one where every once in awhile they stop making out and help someone...that one
You're clearly the next Dr. Ross. Except hotter.
I am so right there with ya - you have to look good, you have to know your stats, you must have wi fi - there is only so much you can do for a friend without certain minimal items to sustain you
two email addresses...just when were you going to tell me about this OTHER email address?
Painful. And ewww. And ohhhh foot fetishes.
-N
There are some hot doctors!! Definitely....
I love that you had to give yourself a field sobriety test before you agreed to drive her...and of course you have to check your e-mail and your blog before you leave...that's not selfish, that's just normal.
I wish you could have cauterized something on her with a Bic lighter, too. Oh, and there's a bad smell at hospitals, too, so next time you almost-go-to-one-but-don't, give yourself a little spritz of your No. 5 on the way out the door!
Checking your email is an absolute must even in the face, errr...of tragedy. Big ups on the stabbing. Let's hang out.
That's some funny shit yo. I would want to know that I had a friend like you if I were ever to get surprise chlamydia of the face.
Although, I bet we'd all have to agree eventually, there really is no such thing as surprise chlamydia of the face, now is there?
Wait a minute...
I thought you said that you WEREN'T good in emergencies? ;)
Steve~
Your sympathy is overwhelming! We all need more friends like you.
I always check feeds, sitemeter and email before I do anything at all. It warms my heart to know there are others out there like me. Or maybe that's fear? Eh, either way.
jack,
I never had an Epilady. I did have a Slinky. Very painful way to remove arm hair. Not that I have arm hair.
sheila,
I stumble a lot in my adventures too. Alcohol and heels.
Thanks for coming by.
skitles,
What the hell are jumper cables?
mr. fab,
But what about my good looks? Aren't those overwhelming too?
killer,
You see, a girl can't be seen out in public with another girl that's hideous. People would think that I had some kind of pretty complex.
ctw,
I am thinking about starting a group called Mist's Toes. People would be encouraged to try to identify which toes are mine. Wanna join?
nwjr,
I have been dying to give someone a shot in the heart. It started with Pulp Fiction.
chelle,
I think she really enjoyed it too.
Thanks for coming by.
mj,
It was a crisis. I wasn't thinking.
gyuss,
Maybe I should think about a career change. Wait, I don't have a career.
av,
Thanks for pointing out my hotness factor. I wasn't sure if I had mentioned it lately.
cheeky,
I would have gone if they offered wi-fi. Seriously, I'm not that cold.
crack,
One for business, one for pleasure. Which one do you think you have?
natalia,
Please stop leaving all those comments on the pictures of my toes on Flickr.
claudia,
I always get the ones that just want to play doctor.
aisby,
I never do that test where you try to touch the tip of your nose. I almost poked my eye out once.
jocelyn,
I always thought Lysol was the preferred perfume of hospitals.
maiden,
It was my first stabbing. I handled it well. She sort of freaked out.
andy,
Sorry about the chlamydia of the face. It was a surprise to me too.
Thanks for coming by.
steven,
Well, I'm better than FEMA.
olives,
That's what I keep trying to tell people.
You should move. Free wi-fi at our local hospital plus cheap food. I can't say for sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if they served alcohol.
ddl,
I like you. You know what's important. I encourage you to comment on my blog before rushing off to any emergencies. I'll do the same.
kali,
What about the airport? My airport doesn't have free wi-fi, if yours does, I'm moving. Where am I moving to? Is there winter? I'm not into that.
fringes,
I would be there for you. I would look fabulous. I would drink you out of house and home.
what a great friend! Mist, you can practice your bedside manner over here anytime.
"the big head thing is hot"??
As it turns out, Mist1, those field sobriety tests are little good in guaging levels of intoxication and don't carry much sway in court.
Btw, you should have SEEN the pissy look on the face of the state trooper who arrested me recently when I asked if I could "possibly" purchase a copy of my mug shot as a souvigner. Apparently, the state of Vermont does not offer such services.
the best thing to do in an emergency is stop, drop, and roll. i learned that during my schoolin's.
I'm glad that someone else uses the backwards alphabet test for sobriety! I've done that for years - and I can do it drunk off my ass, too.
EpiPens rock.
And totally would have spruced before attending to the friend. You just would have made her feel worse if you had shown up looking as gnarly as she felt.
kitotoe,
Should I bring the drinks?
matt,
That part was for you, Matty.
brooklyn,
I've forgotten everything I learned in school.
tigger,
I am better reciting the alphabet backwards than forwards.
Clean underwear to go to the hospital?? Hell, I know someone who only changes it once a week and never before going to church on Sunday. Very funny Mist. You never disappoint.
oh my god. lmmfao!!! thank god im the only one left in my office girl. i cant stop laughing! you bitch. hahahahahaa
When I say, "I'll be right there," I mean that as soon as I check both email addresses, sitemeter, and my feeds, I'll be on my way.
i swear we're like long lost sisters. people give me 45 minutes of excess time when they invite me places. they just know i can never make that shit on time. :p
Oh gees - well good thing I never have emergencies and don't need to call you.
stan,
Talking about my underwear never gets old.
yasamin,
My real question is, why you are still in the office if no one is there? You don't get bonus points or an extra life or anything, you know. Go ahead, take the rest of the day off.
c,
You may have just sealed your fate there. I am eagerly awaiting your call.
Mist - some day I want to be as good a friend as you are !!
Happy Holidays little sassy one :)
Meg
Clearly you were doing what any reliable friend would do...1# never show up looking terrible and being fashionably late 2# you did stab her with an epi pen...To know that in itself it pretty darn sharp of you…Okay so I might have gone to for the Deltoid but not a big deal…we all have choices….Hey last night I had to put a suppository up a rectum and the Dr. said ummmmm make sure you like take off the foil...one time okay a lot of times he says pt’s say wow this foil is really uncomfortable and it seems not be helping any... No kidding good to know I say…and of coarse I probably would not look as fashionable as you however I have been accused of flirting with Dr. Goldenrod way to much...I mean doesn't everyone where a push up bra when they are wearing tight scrubs...and pull him into the clean utility closes to make out when no one is looking…sheeesh what is their problem???
I took a shower and shaved my legs before even thinking about going to the ER. I think the epi-pen was genius. I need to get one.
P.s I do recomend change your underwear before going to the hospital cause well sometime I see some that walk around by themselves, standing to attention, saluting me; Semper Fi, Amy Semper Fi~ suck it up I swear I once heard a pair say to me..it's quite frightening even for me...
At least you were there for her....(I would have checked e'thing you did too...omg!) (After the holidays, if i remember I'll share a diaphragm story...lol)
Peace
An Epi-pen. I'll have to get me one of those!
tellin',
I'm sexy in scrubs. It's one of my more effective looks. You are cracking me up. Clearly, this subject means a lot to you.
eg,
Naturally, one shaves. That goes without saying.
k,
I'm glad to see you're feeling better.
odat,
I am waiting for the story.
karmyn,
They are too much fun.
Well, at least she wasn’t dead by the time you arrived. During my years as a social worker and as a pastor, I have defined “emergency” as something that could cause imminent death. Glad to see I’m not the only one who uses that definition.
Thanks for the story and the humor! :)
nick,
Define imminent.
I thought I was the only one that said their ABC's backwards. Tie. I have no fashion sense - Mist1. I'd have taken make-up & used it on her. Tug1. Did you remember your flask? It's a tiebreaker - don't leave home without it.
You have underwear? You have not yet joined the Britney gang?
Tch! Tch! Tch! By avoiding underwear you would have time to send an extra email and it would not detract from your appearance at all! Just stay outa cars.
tug,
Of course I remembered my flask. I just forgot to fill it.
archie,
Britney and I had a falling out over a sex tape that I showed to all her friends at a party. Wait, that was Paris.
Hello, Mist. Can you believe it's taken me this long to stop by and see you?
Free Wi-Fi is a must these days. I can't believe hospitals still cling to that outmoded shutting-off-cell-phones thing. Seriously, if their equipment is so lame that me IMing my many girlfriends for hours can make the guy in the next bed croak, MAYBE THEY OUGHT TO SPEND THE EXTRA BUCK AND UPGRADE THEIR FUCKING EQUIPMENT. I mean, we're paying enough for it all, right?
It's just the big, fancy machine that goes PING.
Ian
I'm glad you stay far enough away from me to ever have to see me without any makeup.
But I don't look half as bad as your friend there without makeup, of course. And I sure know how to make up for the makeup I lack when I'm without it, if you know what I mean. ;-)
This is the EXACT type of behavior I would expect from you.
That's why I like you.
Once again, a humorous title sucked me into reading a hysterical series of jokes. Brilliant stuff!
But... who the fuck are all these bozos, constantly asking you for a ride? I see an entrepreneurial opportunity here.
Mistaxi: 25% Discount, if I know you. 50% Discount, if you're naked and I put your snapshot on my blog. 15% Surcharge + Mandatory Tip, if you piss me off on a bad day.
That's it, you're off the speed dial for emergencies (unless I happen to have a fashion emergency)! :P It's been forever, I got lost on the net and had to find my way back, you know how it is... big net. ;) I really like the new look.
Kristyn
There is no indication on your blog whether you celebrate Christmas or not so I'll just wish you Happy Holidaze and Cheers!
ICL
It seems that I'm the only peson scarded by this...hohum...
mist now your quarterly underwear change date is out of wack! what are you going to do about that?
and i had a cabin for you on the ship but you were late and they left you on the pier. next time check your email on the ship, it has wifi, it just costs $.75 a minute. you have to learn to look real fast. then sometimes you misread something in your rush. like a friend needing to go to the hospital or some such stuff. i mean she could have said hospital cafeteria, right? maybe she is just hungry. yeah, that's it, she was just hungry....
bee
That’s why I screen my calls after midnight. Chances are, calls received after that magical cutoff time will have something to do with burning your time, money and/or gas.
Mist 1!
Very good!
Happy christmas to you and your family. blog "Só Verdades" Portugal
thank you
A quick note Mist...
Here's to you. Here's to your wit and charm. Here's to your good sense. I hope we continue to enjoy a dialogue and I hope you have the best Christmas.
Peace
Stewart
When I have kids can you babysit 'em? And make sure you leave the kitchen cabinet under the sink open so they'll have easy access to the draino;>)
I'm sure she'll appreciate the gesture.
She might even have a gesture or two for you when she wakes up. :D
merry christmas, mist1!
I don't know your number!
ian,
I am thinking about taking up a collection so that the hospital can get wi-fi. And also to treat sick kids and stuff.
venge,
I've seen your picture. I am not buying it.
pissy,
If more people would lower their expectations of me, I would have more friends.
romerican,
I had an idea for Hottie Cab. Perfect for when you want to be picked up and dropped of my hot chicks.
kristyn,
I can't believe I'm off speed dial. You are shooting yourself in the foot. How frequently do you have medical emergencies vs. fashion emergencies?
icl,
Thanks. Same to you and yours.
nikeroo,
Don't be scarded.
bee,
I have had to reschedule all my underwear changes. I am pleased that you are willing to spend $0.75 a minute to read my blog.
slag,
No one has ever asked me for a ride to the ER during the afternoon. Why is that?
david,
Why do I feel like a million bloggers got this comment today?
Thanks for coming by.
stewart,
Thanks. I'm not widely known for my charm. I am better known for my lack of charm. Which is, of course, part of my charm.
james,
I will need some of that Drain-O. I love not babysitting.
miztris,
So, I should have duct taped her to the sofa?
c,
Send an email. I'm more likely to check my email than answer my phone.
That’s friendship.
Puss
puss,
I am always good company.
Oh my god you are completely insane. I love it!
kat,
I think I still have the paperwork to prove my insanity. I've been meaning to frame it.
Thanks for coming by.
My mom wasn't feeling well a couple of months ago (bad reaction to a prescription), so she had me call 911 but also made sure I changed out of my pajamas, had my hair done and was wearing makeup--because there must be eligible bachelors in the ER.
sabilak,
I know how your mother feels about your single status. Wise move.
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