Alluring
When people think "Responsible," they seldom think of me.I am doing my best.
I have agreed to be responsible for an iguana. I am a natural choice for an iguana sitter because I have little fear of salmonella.
For two days, I have seen nothing of the lizard except for the tip of his nose and the end of his tail. He has not emerged from his hiding place to eat, sh*t, or do whatever it is that reptiles do when they are not eating or sh*tting.
Determined to win his affections, I went to the pet store to learn more about iguanas. The overly helpful PetSmart associate gave me an arsenal of helpful tips. Feed it apples and romaine. Spray it with warm water. Blow my scent into the cage.
Armed with apples, a spray bottle of warm water, and wearing a heavy dose of Dior's Hypnotic Poison, I felt prepared to woo the lizard. I have wooed many, many lizards with Dior, but never with produce. I placed a slice of apple in his bowl. I wafted my scent into the cage. Then, I gently misted G*d's little creature. He bolted out from his hiding spot. I stifled a scream. He hissed and inflated the extra scrotum hanging from his chin. Then, I screamed.
I misted. The iguana hissed. I misted frantically. He stood on the heat rock and closed his eyes. His tongue darted out and licked the drops of water from his nose and eyeballs. I cooed, "Nice lizard. I have a wallet that looks just like you. Good boy."
He opened his eyes and tilted his head affectionately. I kept misting.
Until, I noticed a snotty, egg white-like substance bubbling from his loins.
I retched.
I have a way with animals.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:40 AM
81 Comments:
LMAO...visiting via Skittles...
I don't know what to say about that!
I had a cat once who used to get an erection every time I petted him.
I think that is why I have 'issues'
Damn, girl... and the kids tell me I'm sick. I like-it-i-like-it-i-like-it-a-lot!
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! you made a lizard blow his wad. that was a powerful mister. you'd better check that thing to make sure it was filled with only water.
crunchy,
I have issues too. I blame Mom & Dad.
Thanks for coming by.
arthur,
Love that movie.
james,
Do you doubt the alluring power of the Mist-er?
You are so brave, girl!!!
Maybe the iguana had wandered into your bathroom and was helping "clean up" the really expensive lotion off the walls right before you launched your wooing.
Is it wrong that I got a little turned on my that? It almost makes me wish I had an extra scrotum from my neck. (is singular scrota,I wonder?)
Let's just say "I have a friend" and he tells me that the same thing happens to whenever his wife spits a mouth full of evian on him.
[insert witty comment here]
Hm, see above for explanation.
Once again, another chuckle.
It seems that you have a way with everything, Mist.
How far will it go?
If it goes so far as to become anything near to a record, submit it to Guiness.
No, not the beer.
The record book.
Although the beer would work well.
New Mist Special!
Arouses the most dull and tedious of males!
On top of the copyright priveledges, it'd be a hit.
Okay,,,
A):::::I noticed a snotty, egg white-like substance bubbling from his loins::::
If I never see this phrase again it will be way too soon.
B)Petsmart guy sounds a bit too experienced in that department IMHO.
BD
The Mist strikes again!!
You should have gotten the bottle of lotion..
karmyn,
Yeah. The retching part totally showed my bravery.
jocelyn,
He was looking a little dry. Maybe I should offer some of my lotion.
123,
Scrotae? I have no idea.
bice,
I think I know your "friend."
lyze,
I love Guinness.
donkey,
I hate eggs too.
claudia,
That is written on so many bathroom walls it's not even funny.
skittles,
No expensive lotion for a lizard. I'm thinking something from the drug store.
You also have a way with blogs :)
Marie
To perversely misquote Jim Morrison, you are the Lizard Queen. Sorry, it's late and the image of a lizard's scrotal area hanging from its chin will haunt me deep into my sleep tonight...
owl,
Come closer, let me Mist you.
michael,
Sweet dreams.
If your were in star trek you'd be an Orion Slave Girl (thats a complement)
If this doesn't scare away the guys with unwanted affections, I don't know what will.
You certainly do seem to have a way with animal "expressions" anyway. I think, according to Georgia law, that you and the iguana are married now. Best of luck with your wifely duties.
Nononono - There is no comment I can make to this! Despite my excessively extreme age I can remember that happening while I went through my Lounge Lizard stage. I don't want to talk about my octopus stage!
I'm looking for a cat sitter for my impending Vegas trip. I can guarantee my cat doesn't ooze. Interested? You get to swing on the pole as much as you like...
Puss
To be honest, I've had worse first dates. Scaly and horny, would be an improvement.
Yeah. It was the way you cooed, "come to mama..."
Reptiles doe three things...
Eat, shit and sleep. Sometimes when they're bored, they'll switch int up some... Then they'll shit, sleep then eat.
Or if they're reptiles the size of the ones I se quite frequently at work, they'll Sleep, shit and eat people.
1
You win. I can't even start. My abs of steel just turned to jelly from laughing.
I cooed, "Nice lizard. I have a wallet that looks just like you. Good boy."
Classic, but then so are you.
Ew, I have a fear of iguanas. My friend used to have two of them and rather than make sexual advances like that one they just tried to chew on me.
But the question is....did you cuddle and share a cigerette afterwards??
You are impressive. I always have to do that manually.
My dogs ate one of those things one time. Then they pooped minature tiny green unidentifiable wads of something...well, I said it was unidendtifiable...
If you read PetSmart associate real fast...it looks like
Pet Smartass i ate...my lysdexia always kicks in when I visit this place. Does your name mist1 come from the fact that you mist iguanas because I noticed you misted him numerous times? You looked at his scrotum?
that's exactly why I stopped wearing Hypnotic Poison to the bars. :D
I'd always heard lizards have good taste.
Tell me about it. I love women who love horses...
(Btw, the asterick gets you into heaven.)
You cooed, the iguana coozed. Quid pro quo, Clarisse... The iguana eats its apple or else it gets the hose again...
Wow - You've got a way with humans, you've gotten to 1st base with a reptile - now all you have to do is attract a bird & a fish, and you'll have covered all of this planet's creatures.
I mean come on, who wouldn't have an egg white substance bubbling from his loins after all that misting.
My son has a bearded dragon that I'll be caring for whilst they're away for a couple weeks. He eats crickets. The sound of 200 crickets in a bag next to you while driving them home to their lizardly demise has an extremely high level of heebeegeevity (hBGV).
Misting the lizard in more ways than one. Too bad you didn't set up a lizard web-cam. you could charge people to watch. You'd be rich. I mean everyone wants to see "forbidden love".
on the other hand. It's gross.
You always have the best porn here.
My husband wooed me with his extra scrotum. Sadly, neither one of them work very well. I hear that milky substance makes a wonderful undereye night cream.
CP.
You can always find work as a lizard wrangler. Someone has to help the poor impotent lizards find some type of relief and it seems that you're a natural.
omg, i will never eat another egg mist............bee
Well, I guess that iguana ate my last comment because it's not here. Now, I can't be as creative as I was at 5:00 this morning. The caffeine has worn off. I think I remember telling you about how my dogs ate a lizard that looked very much like the one pictured here...then had some really strange looking poop for awhile. Plus, BloggerBooger doesn't seem to think I am typing the correct letters in that word verification box anymore. It takes abouat 3 tries. Maybe that's what happened....GlobberBooger ate my comment instead of your egg white-like bubbling iguana.
I suspect that the PetSmart guy knew what was going to happen. Either that or he was fantasizing and talking out loud.
At least you now know how to get the iguana to poop ! what progress you have made
shadow,
Do I get a sexy space uniform?
rich,
If only I had a way with guys the way I do with reptiles.
Thanks for coming by.
mr. fab,
Neither did Husband #1 or Husband #2.
wg,
I'm taking half of everything in that cage when I leave him.
archie,
I remember your octopus stage. You still owe me for dry cleaning the sweater that you inked all over.
puss,
I would be honored to tend to your pussy.
vince,
I have dry skin and I am horny. What are you doing later?
nwjr,
No one calls me Mama.
ranger,
That's pretty much what I do too. Eat, drink, sh*t, and write. Sometimes, I get laid.
0,
Have you tried the Abdominizer? You can find them at garage sales.
icl,
The wallet is a classic too.
karma,
I've had lots of things chew on me. Sometimes, I even chew on myself.
cheeky,
Of course we didn't cuddle.
av,
Am available for hire.
maven,
I'm making a vest. A vest with scales.
miztris,
But Dior is divine and it smells just like a Dr. Pepper. Who doesn't like Dr. Pepper?
tug,
How do lizards taste? With their tongues, I suppose.
m*tt,
Maybe I should replace all vowels.
darlene,
I have a special on Animal Planet. Watch for it.
furious,
I don't deal with crickets anymore. I've been in charge of them before too.
mayren,
I didn't get any on my hands.
britt,
I do it for the people...and the lizards.
cp,
You should see my eyes. It tooks years off.
jali,
Is there a pressing need for this kind of work? More importantly, would I get to wear a cool outfit?
pissy,
Ewwww doesn't even begin to describe it.
anastasia,
Welcome back. Enjoy the archives. Have missed you too.
swamp,
Dear G*d. I wonder what lizard tastes like.
velvet,
I will never go to PetSmart again. I'll try PetCo next time.
bee,
I detest eggs. After I tell people why, they usually do too.
fringes,
Anytime. It's what I do.
Remind me to not let you sit our cat.
Oddly that was a lot like my first time.
OMG... LMAO... you are too funny.
LOL....ROTF
Now I know why your moniker is Mist1. LOL, too funny girl.
That was a very cool story about the care and feeding of lizards. Cool pic of the little devil, too!
How much Mist-ing does it take to screw in a lizard?
alison,
Oh, I'm much better with felines.
killer,
Yeah, I remember that magical night. Can I have my panties back?
kristyn,
I can laugh about it now. But really, for awhile there, it was touch and go.
slb,
The Mist...does it every time.
rhea,
I am practically an expert in reptile care.
hearts,
Never on a first date.
He needed to get his heat rocks off.
Imagine if you'd bought a humidifier. That place would be a mess!
Keep up the good blog work.
I love you.
phoenix,
I hope he doesn't get burned.
dagromm,
Imagine if I'd bought lube...
Thanks for the love. And thanks for coming by.
i had one. they smell BAD
shoes,
I had so much perfume on, I couldn't tell what he smelled like.
Well, I'm certenly lost for words.
orhan,
How about, "here lizard, lizard..."
i laughed out loud at this one. you might want to change your perfume. most of the lizards i catch prefer moschino lol.
so i have a stupid question. would that be mist squared?
Mist misting?
ew.. iguana cum... is that supposed to be good for wrinkles?
giggles.
You're a charmer!
k,
Usually, I catch lizards with Hennessey.
melanie,
I am M1, that is M2.
h & b,
Thanks for noticing.
mist1, Iguana Whisperer. I never would have guessed.
Your friend owes you dinner, on the iguana's behalf.
Wow. Talk about something to add to your resume.
Oh MY!!!
Mental Note: No iguana's.
kelley,
What if he serves iguana?
deezee,
I'm trying to keep it under one page.
lex,
I don't know. I feel pretty.
Thanks for coming by.
Mist,
First time reader, came here from Brilliant Donkey. Heck of a first post to get christened by on your blog. I just can't shake the image of the Budweiser lizard, Louie, taking the place of your iguana.
"Oh, yeah, babe. Spray me. Yes, Yes. Frankie, are you getting this? Are you watching...... oh, oh, OH .....................
The Frogs just got NOTHING on this one, Frankie."
Micahel
michael,
It's best that you get to know me for who I am. Disgusting lizard cum stories and all. I wish I could say that the archives get better, but they don't.
Thanks for coming by.
I am sorry but I am laughing at u and with u.
'I have wooed many, many lizards with Dior, but never with produce'
This was a great line that cause me to spit up on myself laughing. Keep up the good work on keeping the lizard entertained lol.
eeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
honk,
Never eat or drink while reading my blog. You'll either spit it through your nose or vomit. I cannot be held responsible for damages.
nattie,
Yes, I felt sexy.
OMG Mist you straight gave an iguana premature ejaculation. i recommend you two move to TJ immediately and start makin money honey. hahahah
yasamin,
He swore that had never happened before.
1
I thought you were sexy. I laid an egg.
0,
No one has ever laid an egg for me before. Was it golden? Better yet, platinum?
Not to rain on the parade (which is very funny, by the way), but that slimy substance you noticed was almost definitely shit. Reptiles, like birds, urinate and defecate simultaneously.
Give the iguana some time... it will come around and eventually go every where with you.
Can't wait for the photos of you walking it on a long wallet chain.
jester,
I've never been into facts...or chain wallets.
kiyotoe,
That's what the lizard said.
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