To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Alluring


When people think "Responsible," they seldom think of me.

I am doing my best.

I have agreed to be responsible for an iguana. I am a natural choice for an iguana sitter because I have little fear of salmonella.

For two days, I have seen nothing of the lizard except for the tip of his nose and the end of his tail. He has not emerged from his hiding place to eat, sh*t, or do whatever it is that reptiles do when they are not eating or sh*tting.

Determined to win his affections, I went to the pet store to learn more about iguanas. The overly helpful PetSmart associate gave me an arsenal of helpful tips. Feed it apples and romaine. Spray it with warm water. Blow my scent into the cage.

Armed with apples, a spray bottle of warm water, and wearing a heavy dose of Dior's Hypnotic Poison, I felt prepared to woo the lizard. I have wooed many, many lizards with Dior, but never with produce. I placed a slice of apple in his bowl. I wafted my scent into the cage. Then, I gently misted G*d's little creature. He bolted out from his hiding spot. I stifled a scream. He hissed and inflated the extra scrotum hanging from his chin. Then, I screamed.

I misted. The iguana hissed. I misted frantically. He stood on the heat rock and closed his eyes. His tongue darted out and licked the drops of water from his nose and eyeballs. I cooed, "Nice lizard. I have a wallet that looks just like you. Good boy."

He opened his eyes and tilted his head affectionately. I kept misting.

Until, I noticed a snotty, egg white-like substance bubbling from his loins.

I retched.

I have a way with animals.

Mist 1


86 Comments:

At 9:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LMAO...visiting via Skittles...
I don't know what to say about that!

I had a cat once who used to get an erection every time I petted him.

I think that is why I have 'issues'

 
At 9:50 PM, Blogger Arthur Dent said...

Damn, girl... and the kids tell me I'm sick. I like-it-i-like-it-i-like-it-a-lot!

 
At 9:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! you made a lizard blow his wad. that was a powerful mister. you'd better check that thing to make sure it was filled with only water.

 
At 10:12 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

crunchy,

I have issues too. I blame Mom & Dad.

Thanks for coming by.

arthur,

Love that movie.

james,

Do you doubt the alluring power of the Mist-er?

 
At 10:25 PM, Blogger Karmyn R said...

You are so brave, girl!!!

 
At 10:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe the iguana had wandered into your bathroom and was helping "clean up" the really expensive lotion off the walls right before you launched your wooing.

 
At 10:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is it wrong that I got a little turned on my that? It almost makes me wish I had an extra scrotum from my neck. (is singular scrota,I wonder?)

 
At 10:44 PM, Anonymous Bice said...

Let's just say "I have a friend" and he tells me that the same thing happens to whenever his wife spits a mouth full of evian on him.

 
At 10:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

[insert witty comment here]

Hm, see above for explanation.
Once again, another chuckle.

It seems that you have a way with everything, Mist.
How far will it go?

If it goes so far as to become anything near to a record, submit it to Guiness.
No, not the beer.

The record book.

Although the beer would work well.

New Mist Special!

Arouses the most dull and tedious of males!

On top of the copyright priveledges, it'd be a hit.

 
At 10:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay,,,

A):::::I noticed a snotty, egg white-like substance bubbling from his loins::::

If I never see this phrase again it will be way too soon.

B)Petsmart guy sounds a bit too experienced in that department IMHO.

BD

 
At 10:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Mist strikes again!!

 
At 10:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should have gotten the bottle of lotion..

 
At 10:57 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

karmyn,

Yeah. The retching part totally showed my bravery.

jocelyn,

He was looking a little dry. Maybe I should offer some of my lotion.

123,

Scrotae? I have no idea.

bice,

I think I know your "friend."

lyze,

I love Guinness.

donkey,

I hate eggs too.

claudia,

That is written on so many bathroom walls it's not even funny.

 
At 10:58 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

skittles,

No expensive lotion for a lizard. I'm thinking something from the drug store.

 
At 11:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You also have a way with blogs :)
Marie

 
At 11:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

To perversely misquote Jim Morrison, you are the Lizard Queen. Sorry, it's late and the image of a lizard's scrotal area hanging from its chin will haunt me deep into my sleep tonight...

 
At 11:28 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

owl,

Come closer, let me Mist you.

michael,

Sweet dreams.

 
At 1:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If your were in star trek you'd be an Orion Slave Girl (thats a complement)

 
At 3:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If this doesn't scare away the guys with unwanted affections, I don't know what will.

 
At 3:24 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

That lizard will never survive your caretaking.

 
At 3:36 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

You certainly do seem to have a way with animal "expressions" anyway. I think, according to Georgia law, that you and the iguana are married now. Best of luck with your wifely duties.

 
At 4:25 AM, Anonymous archie said...

Nononono - There is no comment I can make to this! Despite my excessively extreme age I can remember that happening while I went through my Lounge Lizard stage. I don't want to talk about my octopus stage!

 
At 4:27 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

I'm looking for a cat sitter for my impending Vegas trip. I can guarantee my cat doesn't ooze. Interested? You get to swing on the pole as much as you like...

Puss

 
At 4:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

To be honest, I've had worse first dates. Scaly and horny, would be an improvement.

 
At 5:05 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

Yeah. It was the way you cooed, "come to mama..."

 
At 5:22 AM, Blogger Ranger Tom said...

Reptiles doe three things...

Eat, shit and sleep. Sometimes when they're bored, they'll switch int up some... Then they'll shit, sleep then eat.

Or if they're reptiles the size of the ones I se quite frequently at work, they'll Sleep, shit and eat people.

 
At 5:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
You win. I can't even start. My abs of steel just turned to jelly from laughing.

 
At 5:31 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

I cooed, "Nice lizard. I have a wallet that looks just like you. Good boy."

Classic, but then so are you.

 
At 5:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ew, I have a fear of iguanas. My friend used to have two of them and rather than make sexual advances like that one they just tried to chew on me.

 
At 5:55 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

But the question is....did you cuddle and share a cigerette afterwards??

 
At 5:55 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

You are impressive. I always have to do that manually.

 
At 6:11 AM, Anonymous swampwitch said...

My dogs ate one of those things one time. Then they pooped minature tiny green unidentifiable wads of something...well, I said it was unidendtifiable...
If you read PetSmart associate real fast...it looks like
Pet Smartass i ate...my lysdexia always kicks in when I visit this place. Does your name mist1 come from the fact that you mist iguanas because I noticed you misted him numerous times? You looked at his scrotum?

 
At 6:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

that's exactly why I stopped wearing Hypnotic Poison to the bars. :D

 
At 6:37 AM, Blogger Tug said...

I'd always heard lizards have good taste.

 
At 6:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tell me about it. I love women who love horses...

(Btw, the asterick gets you into heaven.)

 
At 6:48 AM, Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

You cooed, the iguana coozed. Quid pro quo, Clarisse... The iguana eats its apple or else it gets the hose again...

 
At 7:00 AM, Blogger Darlene said...

Wow - You've got a way with humans, you've gotten to 1st base with a reptile - now all you have to do is attract a bird & a fish, and you'll have covered all of this planet's creatures.

 
At 7:01 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

I mean come on, who wouldn't have an egg white substance bubbling from his loins after all that misting.

My son has a bearded dragon that I'll be caring for whilst they're away for a couple weeks. He eats crickets. The sound of 200 crickets in a bag next to you while driving them home to their lizardly demise has an extremely high level of heebeegeevity (hBGV).

 
At 7:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Misting the lizard in more ways than one. Too bad you didn't set up a lizard web-cam. you could charge people to watch. You'd be rich. I mean everyone wants to see "forbidden love".

on the other hand. It's gross.

 
At 7:39 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

You always have the best porn here.

 
At 7:46 AM, Blogger CP said...

My husband wooed me with his extra scrotum. Sadly, neither one of them work very well. I hear that milky substance makes a wonderful undereye night cream.

CP.

 
At 7:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You can always find work as a lizard wrangler. Someone has to help the poor impotent lizards find some type of relief and it seems that you're a natural.

 
At 8:08 AM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

*LMAO*

~and~

Ewwww!

 
At 8:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

omg, i will never eat another egg mist............bee

 
At 8:21 AM, Blogger fringes said...

Yuck. Uh, thanks for sharing.

 
At 8:23 AM, Blogger anastasia said...

That is sooooo sweet, I'm sure he is in total awe of you now!!!

P.S. I've missed your posts, I have alot of catching up.

 
At 8:29 AM, Anonymous swampwitch said...

Well, I guess that iguana ate my last comment because it's not here. Now, I can't be as creative as I was at 5:00 this morning. The caffeine has worn off. I think I remember telling you about how my dogs ate a lizard that looked very much like the one pictured here...then had some really strange looking poop for awhile. Plus, BloggerBooger doesn't seem to think I am typing the correct letters in that word verification box anymore. It takes abouat 3 tries. Maybe that's what happened....GlobberBooger ate my comment instead of your egg white-like bubbling iguana.

 
At 8:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I suspect that the PetSmart guy knew what was going to happen. Either that or he was fantasizing and talking out loud.

 
At 8:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

At least you now know how to get the iguana to poop ! what progress you have made

 
At 9:12 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

shadow,

Do I get a sexy space uniform?

rich,

If only I had a way with guys the way I do with reptiles.

Thanks for coming by.

mr. fab,

Neither did Husband #1 or Husband #2.

wg,

I'm taking half of everything in that cage when I leave him.

archie,

I remember your octopus stage. You still owe me for dry cleaning the sweater that you inked all over.

puss,

I would be honored to tend to your pussy.

vince,

I have dry skin and I am horny. What are you doing later?

nwjr,

No one calls me Mama.

ranger,

That's pretty much what I do too. Eat, drink, sh*t, and write. Sometimes, I get laid.

0,

Have you tried the Abdominizer? You can find them at garage sales.

icl,

The wallet is a classic too.

karma,

I've had lots of things chew on me. Sometimes, I even chew on myself.

cheeky,

Of course we didn't cuddle.

av,

Am available for hire.

maven,

I'm making a vest. A vest with scales.

miztris,

But Dior is divine and it smells just like a Dr. Pepper. Who doesn't like Dr. Pepper?

tug,

How do lizards taste? With their tongues, I suppose.

m*tt,

Maybe I should replace all vowels.

darlene,

I have a special on Animal Planet. Watch for it.

furious,

I don't deal with crickets anymore. I've been in charge of them before too.

mayren,

I didn't get any on my hands.

britt,

I do it for the people...and the lizards.

cp,

You should see my eyes. It tooks years off.

jali,

Is there a pressing need for this kind of work? More importantly, would I get to wear a cool outfit?

pissy,

Ewwww doesn't even begin to describe it.

anastasia,

Welcome back. Enjoy the archives. Have missed you too.

swamp,

Dear G*d. I wonder what lizard tastes like.

velvet,

I will never go to PetSmart again. I'll try PetCo next time.

 
At 9:15 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

bee,

I detest eggs. After I tell people why, they usually do too.

fringes,

Anytime. It's what I do.

 
At 9:25 AM, Anonymous Alison said...

Remind me to not let you sit our cat.

 
At 9:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oddly that was a lot like my first time.

 
At 9:50 AM, Anonymous Kristyn said...

OMG... LMAO... you are too funny.

 
At 9:56 AM, Blogger skinnylittleblonde said...

LOL....ROTF
Now I know why your moniker is Mist1. LOL, too funny girl.

 
At 10:04 AM, Anonymous Rhea said...

That was a very cool story about the care and feeding of lizards. Cool pic of the little devil, too!

 
At 10:10 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

How much Mist-ing does it take to screw in a lizard?

 
At 10:30 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

alison,

Oh, I'm much better with felines.

killer,

Yeah, I remember that magical night. Can I have my panties back?

kristyn,

I can laugh about it now. But really, for awhile there, it was touch and go.

slb,

The Mist...does it every time.

rhea,

I am practically an expert in reptile care.

hearts,

Never on a first date.

 
At 10:31 AM, Blogger PhoenixHearse said...

He needed to get his heat rocks off.

 
At 10:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Imagine if you'd bought a humidifier. That place would be a mess!
Keep up the good blog work.
I love you.

 
At 10:50 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

phoenix,

I hope he doesn't get burned.

dagromm,

Imagine if I'd bought lube...

Thanks for the love. And thanks for coming by.

 
At 10:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i had one. they smell BAD

 
At 11:05 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

shoes,

I had so much perfume on, I couldn't tell what he smelled like.

 
At 1:07 PM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Well, I'm certenly lost for words.

 
At 1:31 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

orhan,

How about, "here lizard, lizard..."

 
At 2:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i laughed out loud at this one. you might want to change your perfume. most of the lizards i catch prefer moschino lol.

 
At 3:08 PM, Blogger melanie said...

so i have a stupid question. would that be mist squared?

Mist misting?

ew.. iguana cum... is that supposed to be good for wrinkles?

giggles.

 
At 3:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're a charmer!

 
At 3:43 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

k,

Usually, I catch lizards with Hennessey.

melanie,

I am M1, that is M2.

h & b,

Thanks for noticing.

 
At 6:41 PM, Blogger Kelley said...

mist1, Iguana Whisperer. I never would have guessed.

Your friend owes you dinner, on the iguana's behalf.

 
At 6:57 PM, Blogger Deezee said...

Wow. Talk about something to add to your resume.

 
At 7:25 PM, Blogger Lex said...

Oh MY!!!

Mental Note: No iguana's.

 
At 12:41 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kelley,

What if he serves iguana?

deezee,

I'm trying to keep it under one page.

lex,

I don't know. I feel pretty.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 5:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mist,
First time reader, came here from Brilliant Donkey. Heck of a first post to get christened by on your blog. I just can't shake the image of the Budweiser lizard, Louie, taking the place of your iguana.
"Oh, yeah, babe. Spray me. Yes, Yes. Frankie, are you getting this? Are you watching...... oh, oh, OH .....................
The Frogs just got NOTHING on this one, Frankie."

Micahel

 
At 5:51 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

It's best that you get to know me for who I am. Disgusting lizard cum stories and all. I wish I could say that the archives get better, but they don't.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 6:33 AM, Blogger honkeie2 said...

I am sorry but I am laughing at u and with u.
'I have wooed many, many lizards with Dior, but never with produce'
This was a great line that cause me to spit up on myself laughing. Keep up the good work on keeping the lizard entertained lol.

 
At 6:55 AM, Blogger Nattie said...

eeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

 
At 7:55 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

honk,

Never eat or drink while reading my blog. You'll either spit it through your nose or vomit. I cannot be held responsible for damages.

nattie,

Yes, I felt sexy.

 
At 10:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG Mist you straight gave an iguana premature ejaculation. i recommend you two move to TJ immediately and start makin money honey. hahahah

 
At 10:23 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

yasamin,

He swore that had never happened before.

 
At 5:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I thought you were sexy. I laid an egg.

 
At 7:30 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

No one has ever laid an egg for me before. Was it golden? Better yet, platinum?

 
At 7:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not to rain on the parade (which is very funny, by the way), but that slimy substance you noticed was almost definitely shit. Reptiles, like birds, urinate and defecate simultaneously.

Give the iguana some time... it will come around and eventually go every where with you.

Can't wait for the photos of you walking it on a long wallet chain.

 
At 8:10 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

jester,

I've never been into facts...or chain wallets.

 
At 4:43 PM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

you so nasty......

 
At 6:48 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

kiyotoe,

That's what the lizard said.

 

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"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut

ABOUT ME
ABOUT ME
Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA

Yes, it is about me. Thanks for noticing.

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123 Valerie Strikes Again
A Day in the Life
A Day in the Wind
Ali Thinks
Allan Thinks
Animal Mind
A View From The Watter's Edge
Avitable
BNR - Blog Name Removed
Briliant Donkey
Burnett's Urban Etiquette
Burt Reynolds' Mustache
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Cardiac Fantasies
Carnival of the Mundane
Curiosity Killer
Dallas Dysfunction
Dan's Blah Blah Blog
Disgruntled Workforce
DKY Bar and Grill
Exorcise My Devils
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Fresh Air Lover
Guilty With An Explanation
How to go Insane
I Am Woman, See Me Blog!
Intelligent Humor
It's Go Time!
It's No Picknick!
Jester Tunes
Jen (and Andrew)
Just Tug
Karlababble
Ketchup With My Fries, Please
Liner Notes
Little White Liar
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Mayren Abashed
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Mindy Does Minneapolis
Miss Britt
Much Ado about sumthin!
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Roadtrip
Sanity Optional
Single Life As I Know It
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Southern Circle of Hell
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The Death of Retail Price
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