To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Self Esteam Room

I am an adult survivor of Ugly Duckling Syndrome. UDS is a less lethal strain of the Avian Flu (H5N1).

I was not a cute child. Dad denies this. "Oh, honey. All children are beautiful in their own buck toothed freakish way," he tells me. Mom is more honest. She still sends a Christmas card and a fruit basket to my orthodontist. My orthodontist refuses to pin my "Before" photo up on his bulletin board. I am a success story, but he doesn't want to scare off prospective clients.

I have a staff of people to thank for my recovery. At the end of my life, I expect to see all of their names roll by in the credits.

I've grown into my teeth and I've learned that my hair and mousse are not a good combination. I have not worn clothing sewn by my mother in years. I grew an a$, and I still have hopes that I will grow real boobs. Most importantly, I have developed the ability to breath through my nose.

All of the suffering that I endured has paid off. I am the picture of grace and humility. If I had grown up this cute, I would be a b*tch. I remember. Even on days like yesterday, when my hair was so fabulous that I had to leave the house just so people could see me. I wasn't showing off. I did it for the ugly children. I have not forgotten what it was like. I went to the middle school at dismissal time and stood outside, waiting for them to admire me.

I made eye contact with the especially homely children, as if to tell them, "All is not lost, little fugly ones." I didn't say it outloud, but I think they knew.

A pimply faced kid came up to me. I smiled benevolently, prepared to discuss the advantages of tetracycline. "Who's Mom are you?" he asked.

Instantly, I was 12 again. "Is that your face, or does your butt have teeth?"

It was the best I could do.

Mist 1


At 12:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

very funny!

At 12:42 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Go ahead...side with the children. I'll be okay.

Thanks for coming by.

At 12:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was an adorable kid...shame I grew out of it...

your go help those fugly people!

At 12:55 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


You were the kind of kid that I wanted to be. Did you have cute bubbly handwriting too?

I would have felt resentful just now except that you mentioned that you grew out of it. Thanks. I have to go primp now.

At 1:03 AM, Anonymous Bice said...

It's just in your nature to nurture isn't it?

Your life could be an after-school special or a made for television movie on the lifetime network.

At 1:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've lost hope of ever growing real boobs. Glad to hear you've grown into your teeth and learned to breathe through your nose! And that you can tell off smart-alecky kids.

At 3:44 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

LMAO ~ Take it as a compliment that he thought you looked and acted old enough to be a Mom. We all know better that this is not practical.

At 3:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

haha simpathy my friend sympathy.
do you have a pic to illustarte the sucsess storie

At 4:28 AM, Anonymous swampwitch said...

That is one nice self-esteam room. If one sits in it, does one's self-esteam improve? Maybe you could invite the pimply-face kid over to LIVE in it since you completely destroyed his ego with your "suttle-buttle" charm.

At 4:50 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA -- I've grown into my looks too, I relate.

At 4:54 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

I deplore being mistaken for someone's mother.

At 5:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm right there with you on the Bucktooth thing. I was thirty eight before I started getting real looks in quantity from the other half. I had buck teeth and acne, and was a bookworm on top. All Power to the Fuglies!

At 5:13 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


The day Lifetime calls me, is the day I start watching.


I could use some help with the come backs.


No kidding.


I'm not vain enough to put one on my blog. Okay, I am vain enough, but still I have a no-photo policy.


He needs to live with a dermatologist.


We should start a campaign to reassure ugly children that one day, they too can look like us.


I bet you would have had a better come back.


I could have eaten an apple through a keyhole.

At 5:26 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

Well I was the kid who in the 6th grade had a B cup and by 7th it was a C boobs have never been a problem..... that is another story, don't care how wonderful it looks when I am getting ready, as soon as I walk out the door, its just flat and stringy and well, its just not a pretty sight....maybe that is why all those boys never looked me in the eyes when they talked to me...hmmmm....

At 5:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice comeback! You are quite the wit!

At 5:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Crap!! You have just shattered my illusion of maturity and happiness. I was always told there was no hope and learned to live with it. Yes it is my butt and I have dentures was my standard reply.

Later Y'all

At 5:36 AM, Blogger the guy who writes this crap said...

wow. so many people have "grown into their looks". I'm still fugly...oh well at least i'm loaded now. :-D

At 5:50 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I do not remember asking anyone to tell me about their boobs. I just asked for nice comments about how someday mine will grow.


I got nervous. Memories came flooding back.


Don't you hate it when you bite your cheek?


You've come to the right place. How loaded?

Thanks for coming by.

At 5:51 AM, Blogger PhoenixHearse said...

I'm past growing into my boobs and hope that one morning I'll wake up and have grown into a butt reduction.

At 5:52 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Big butts are the new black. Flaunt it.

At 5:57 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

Hey, even that ugly chick on "Square Pegs" grew up to become Carrie Bradshaw.

And she has no boobies.

So I wouldn't fret that part.

At 6:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, you're a saint for helping the children that way.

At 6:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, you're a saint for helping the children that way.

At 6:30 AM, Blogger honkeie2 said...

I was never the ugly kid but I was the butt of many tourments of teasing. Being a southern in the north my accent was my down fall. But after I grew and lost the accent I became the stud muffin I was ment to be.
But I never picked on the ugly girls. I always was extra nice to the ones that seemed rejected by most. I knew what it was like to be lonley and no one(exspecally female) should be shunned for just being ugly. Hell most of the ppl I know that are pretty are the ugliest humans you could ever meet.

At 6:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

104 pounds of terror, huh? Is that with or without the shoes?

At 6:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now that's what I call Christmas spirit!!!!!

At 6:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hanging outside of the middle school at dismissal time? I trust this isn't a parole violation ...

At 6:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My girlfriend works with a whole bunch of fugly middle schoolers (it's a weird age). It's weird that sometimes, the most awkward, funky looking ones are the most cocky. The things I wish I could say to them if it wouldn't get Kim fired....

At 6:43 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

Hopefully there aren't any kindergarten teachers out there doing a classroom activity of Hot or Not day.

At 6:45 AM, Anonymous Rhea said...

Hohoho. Especially the mouth-breathing part.

At 6:52 AM, Blogger spoon said...

My orthodontist sent my folks to the poor house but they still think it was worth it! I'm glad to be past wearing 'head-gear' to school - oh how nasty kids can be!!!

At 6:53 AM, Blogger Nattie said...

I miss the schoolyard...I was in the ugly club too :S

At 7:12 AM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

*LOL* this could have been written by my youngest daughter. She always says the reason she's so outgoing is b/c she knew she had to be nice to EVERYBODY b/c she wasn't cute.

Her college roommate~who'd grown up with her since she was five years old~actually told someone that "Little Pissy didn't get pretty until high school."

At 7:22 AM, Anonymous Cover Your Mouth said...

Oh honey, that kid only said those mean things because he was jealous. (That's how that bit of disillusioning parental salve goes, right?)

At 7:30 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

I too am a survivor of UDS. Thank God for contacts and the latest technology for coping with curly hair.

I coach drill team. High school girls are great for soothing the scars left by UDS. If you pay them enough.

At 7:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"There once was an ugly duckling
with feathers all..."

With all these medical and cosmetic
specialists out there today, it's hard not to look the best you can. We watch these makeover shows on the tube and the transformations are increadable!
I'm glad you can laugh about your past.

I worked with a girl once whose sister came in wih a newborn baby that had to be the ugliest baby I'd ever seen. Everyone was fawning & cooing over it and rushed over with a banana. No one thought that was funny.

At 7:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was gap-toothed and flat. It was good that I had an older brother to remind me of this all the time or I might have developed some self-esteem as a kid and we all know how damaging to my psyche that would have been.

I'm sorry that I can't offer you any encouragement on the boobs. I'm still waiting for mine, too.

At 7:48 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


She also has unruly hair.


Very few people recognize that in me. Thanks for noticing.


Didn't pick on the ugly girls? Keeping your options open, huh?


I always weigh in with my shoes on. Sometimes, I carry a few rolls of quarters in my pocket.


I don't know where this spirit of good cheer has come from.


I was across the street.


Tell 'em. I'm sure she'll find another job.


That would be good for the kiddies. They need to know.


It was really hard to sneak up on people. And when I called them, I had to say "hello" really quickly, or they hung up.


I always wanted head gear.


Either everyone is trying to make me feel better, or I have cornered the market on formerly ugly bloggers.


I still don't know what to do with all this pretty.


Why didn't I think of that? He was totally crushing on me.


I second the cheers for advances in curly hair technology.


I'm so good looking now, I should have an extreme make-under. Is that a show?

At 7:51 AM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

You are a good soul, madame. A good soul paired with a good a$$.

Just one question: Since when is mousse not a good idea? White Rain's okay, right?

At 7:57 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I believe the soul of my grandfather has entered your comment. He wore White Rain 'til the end.

I've seen your fabulous hair. It's time to move to Aveda. You can thank me later.

At 8:00 AM, Blogger anastasia said...

I think that your doing those kids a wonderful service. Show 'em what your working with!!!!

At 8:01 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Probably an old classic dealing with rubber, glue, and their respective properties of adhesion.

At 8:13 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I'm thinking about putting a pair on layaway.


I hope to receive an award.


But so well stated.

At 8:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm glad to see you got a handle on that humility thing. Most people would have let their good looks go to their heads. Maybe you could become a speaker for support groups for fugly children. Do they have those? They ought to. Or maybe they should have different divisions for Beauty Pageants, because maybe a kid isn't good looking enough to win an open pageant with really good looking kids, but might do well in Division II or III.

Keep it blog real.

At 8:15 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I think middle school might be a fugly child support group.

Thanks for noticing how humble I am about my hotness and all.

At 8:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was going to recommend my default comeback in middle school, "your mama", but that probably wouldn't have worked well for this circumstance.

I hope your life is going well.

At 8:24 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


What'd you say about my mama?

At 8:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

We should all get off of Dagromm's mama.

I know I just did!


At 8:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So what is it called when you were a cute child and grow up to be ugly?

At 8:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're a saint to do that for the kid. Seriously.

At 9:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I need a Mist Support Group.

Who's in?

At 9:21 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Oooooh. Burn.



Thanks for coming by.


Tell the Pope. What should I wear for my coronation?


We meet over cocktails. No group hugs.

At 9:29 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Children should not be patronised. They treat each other hideously and so the kindest thing you can do is treat them like adults. Unless you are a victim of arrested development - then you can treat them like children. Your choice.


At 9:47 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I don't like to think of myself as a victim of arrested development. I like to think of myself as immature.

At 9:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did you have a mullet when you were a kid?
I did …

At 10:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The funny thing was it was his butt, and it did have teeth. It was a weird genetic mutation you mean spirited fucker! ;)


At 10:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

mist honey i have something to tell you. be careful what you wish for. boobs are nice for a little while but VERY soon will no longer defy gravity if you know what i mean. then, honey are you sitting down?, they keep getting longer and emptier. that's the only way i know how to describe what actually happens. so, my friend, the smaller they are for the short time, the better off you will be for the long haul if you get my drift. sigh.....bee

At 10:13 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I waited to get a mullet until my friend decided to become a hairstylist. I let her practice on my extremely curly hair. Jheri curl, meet Mullet.


That would explain the smell when he coughed.


I was thinking I could keep them up with suspenders.

At 10:22 AM, Blogger Tug said...

I buy my boobs, bra by bra. The good thing about that is, when they wear out? No prob, buy new ones! and they don't sag...

At 10:22 AM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

Good answer, my dear, good answer.

As a beauty school dropout, the one thing I retained was good products = good hair.

I'm a Redken All Soft kind of gal, but I did like the Aveda styling potions when my hair was short and pixie-ish.

Funny, though, my grandpa wore a scent called Seagram's. It smelled kind of like juniper berries. It was nice.

At 10:27 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I want a bra that bounces naturally.


I love Redken All Soft, but I will not leave home without Aveda's Elixir. No, they don't pay me to say that. Anymore.

At 10:37 AM, Blogger Karmyn R said...

I went to school with a horribly ugly awkward boy. My mom kept telling me, "Just you wait, he is going to grow up and be one handsome young man."

Well, he grew up all right - and you guessed it. He is still ugly as sin.

At 10:38 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Is he rich?

At 10:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i am growing my hair and it has recently been in a state that one might generously call "unfortunate." until my sister demonstrated the miracle that is the flat iron. and now my hair is all shiny and flowy and could quite possibly qualify for a commercial where the ladies pick up their hair and let it flow down their backs like waterfalls. so i hear you on the public service that is showing off good hair. the people need to be taught what is possible.

At 11:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

True story....My name is's on my blog. Anyway, in highschool I heard a group of girls talking about Stewart. They were giggling and one girl said: "He is sooooo hot..I love him." Another girl said: "You mean Stewart S...?" The response: "No not him..the cute Stewart"

Life has never allowed me to become the cute Stewart. Or even the rich Stewart. The other guy, who spelled his name STUART, became a doctor and got rich. He married well and lives a fairytale life. Me? Not so much.

All things to those with cute.

At 11:06 AM, Anonymous Dallas DysFUNction said...

Seriously I think you are my soul mate...can I marry you? for the tax breaks?

At 11:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

lmao! maybe you weren't ready for the past regression controntation. either that or your the best come-back queen i have ever known. lol

and you think you got it bad? try being a beautiful little kid and growin up fugly. if i could find others like me, i would start a fucking support group.

At 11:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Real boobs are overrated. I can give myself a black eye with mine, if I run after the ice-cream truck as it rolls by, instead of leisurely walking towards my fudgecicle. Real boobs wield a power that they are not reluctant to use.

At 11:21 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I love the iron. I look like a different person with straight hair. My friend once said, "you should rob banks." Not so much because of the hair, but because I can open safes.


Come on. Have a sit in my self esteam room. Stay as long as you'd like.


I'm always looking for another marriage of inconvenience.


Here, I'll scoot over. You can sit with Stewart and me. There's enough room in my self esteam room for everyone.


I have to ask, with boobs like that, why do you run for anything? It seems like it should come to you.

At 11:42 AM, Blogger Deezee said...

I love the idea of the credit roll.

At 11:46 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


The list will include Mom, Dad, G*d, the Academy, my dietician, my hairstylist, my orthodontist, and Dr. Phil, among others.

At 1:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was a buck toothed ugly duckling, too. Buck teeth are temporary, but an inferiority complex is forever.

At 1:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who's Mom are you? maybe he was hoping you were Stacy's mom...

At 1:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I see you stopped by today. Thank you. I love reading your blog. I have had a up to yours for awhile now.

At 2:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

mist, i found a pic of you at the shoe store today, go see on my site.

am i close?


At 2:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My boobs showed up with my kids. I don't know where the Hell the were keeping them.

At 2:23 PM, Blogger melanie said...

my teeth were so buck, I could stick two fingers between the space, oh and you can bet that naturally curly hair was NOT hip when I was in high school. I was a frizzy buck toothed glasses wearin freak!

hm... now I am not bucktoothed. but all the rest is still intact.

At 2:48 PM, Blogger Crack La Rock said...

Talk about End Credits...which used to be my primary income...Writtnig and editing End Rolls on AVID...if that true story wasn't facinating enough one day I wa working on HELCATS Joe Strummer documentry...wait a second...You know what I think that whole thing about me doing end credits was indeed a good enough story to stand alone with out name droping joe a matter of fact I wipe my ass with joe strummer.

URgh by the way I am fat and grew real boobs. I mean it's not all it's cracked up to be especially since I am a man.

Does that make you want to spritz me with your Lizard Mister? ...i mean lizard sprayer not so much Lizard Mister as in Mister Mister...i mean spray bottle mist'er Mist One'er

At 3:26 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


My grandiose sense of self helps with the inferiority complex.


I hope I'm the MILF.


I love reading this thing too. Especially when I'm not sure what I wrote. Happens more than I care to admit.

Thanks for coming by.


I'll bee right over.


Tell your kids to bring my boobs over.

Thanks for coming by.


I love automatically curly hair.


You are so slick. And do you know where Joe Strummer hangs out? If you tell me, I'll Mist you.

At 4:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hair on your head, that's a grown up thing, right?

At 4:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

okay mist, i gave it another go, i think i got one of you and melon this time.....bee

At 4:48 PM, Blogger andrea said...

Most supermodels had a butt-ugly phase. I give you permission to still hate them, though.

At 5:21 PM, Anonymous swampwitch said...

I was so hoping you would make it to my asylum today to see the humping dogs. I'm posting very late so no one accuses me of pimping your blog.

At 5:40 PM, Blogger fringes said...

Oh, I pimp Mist's blog every other day. She doesn't mind and she doesn't notice. Let the haters hate.

At 5:51 PM, Blogger CP said...

I've been beautiful since birth. My awkward stage just started last week.


At 6:08 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Hair in your nose and ears is a grown up thing.


People will say we're in love.


I don't hate them because they're beautiful.


What does pimping my blog mean?


I do read these you know. How could I have been so blind? That's it. No more pimping my blog out. Unless I get to say, "where's my money, b*tches?" I like saying that and I can never fit it into casual conversation.


Don't worry. You'll grow out of it. I am here to help.

At 7:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It doesn't help if you're the fugly child who peed in the hallway, like I was in grade school.

Rest assured, EVERYONE wanted to be my friend

At 7:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just started reading you...and I wish you could (not really - I wouldn't wish it on anyone) see my "pre-orthodontic" smile. My buck teeth literally cast a shadow on my bottom lip, when photographed from the right angle.

Adding your blog to my must-read list!

At 8:14 PM, Anonymous Jacquie said...

If you haven't been told this already a hundred times, you need to write a book. You tell an amazingly funny story (and ya know, funny comes from pain...)

At 8:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Better big teeth than no teeth at all, that's my motto. At least you can eat.

Excellent blog. I loved the ending to that story.

At 8:37 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

h & b,

At least I peed at my bed.


I am still only good from a few angles. Every once in awhile, Before Mist appears and ruins photos.

Thanks for coming by.


That which does not kill me, makes me funnier.


I had extra teeth. I was something special.

Thanks for coming by.

At 8:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was darling.

I had to grow into my nose. Jeez, I would cry myself to sleep at night over it.

At 8:55 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Noses are tough. You did well.

At 9:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am this way when I have awesomely bad gas. I like to go forth and spread the joy.

At 9:04 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


When I go forth, I blame it on the cat.

At 2:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

'my hair and mousse'

Your hair and what?

Next time that pimply kid comes up to you (or any pimply kid) tell them to use Panoxl. It's excellent at getting rid of the 'facial visitors from Mars'. I used to give my spots names...

At 5:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where's the money, bitches? Isn't that the correct way to write that?

At 5:39 AM, Anonymous swampwitch said...

Well, I was accused of it once, in a friendly sort of way...I'm new to blogging, but I think it means mentioning something on someone else's blog that would cause one of your readers to navigate to my asylum. But, I'm not sure. I just thought it was a compliment.

At 7:28 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Does it work on adult acne? Not that I ever get a zit or anything.


I'm new to pimping. It's not easy.


I'm not sure what's wrong with that. I think that's how I got people to come here.

At 9:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha, ha! Mist1 was ugly.

At 9:45 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


The pain of my childhood just came flooding back with your comment. Say something nice to me. Now!

At 11:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dogs that bark don't bite :)

At 11:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are so memorably beautiful besides being so heartbreakingly wonderful to be with that life itself is diminished when you sleep.

At 11:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice enough?

At 11:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Or, simply, damn I like you.

Simple, but elegant.

At 1:00 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I think Yoda has hacked into your Blogger account. That was some really deep sh*t.


Thanks, I like me too.

At 7:20 PM, Blogger Doug said...

I don't think I ever overcame UDS. Maybe in the future they'll have a pill or something

At 8:55 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


That's what plastic surgery is for.


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"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut

Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA

Yes, it is about me. Thanks for noticing.


123 Valerie Strikes Again
A Day in the Life
A Day in the Wind
Ali Thinks
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Animal Mind
A View From The Watter's Edge
BNR - Blog Name Removed
Briliant Donkey
Burnett's Urban Etiquette
Burt Reynolds' Mustache
Cardiac Fantasies
Carnival of the Mundane
Curiosity Killer
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Exorcise My Devils
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Much Ado about sumthin!
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Sanity Optional
Single Life As I Know It
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Southern Circle of Hell
The Assimilated Negro
The Death of Retail Price
The Dragon: 050376
The Morning Meeting
The Post College Years
The Wonderful World of Nothing Worthwhile
Tiny Voices in My Head


Involuntary Pedslaughter
Passive Aggressive
I Talk to Myself and I Am Not Alone
I'm a Muse
Musical Cues
A Sign
Travel Tissue
Kiss Like A Sailor



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