To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Monday, December 18, 2006

The 1 Family Christmas


There are some things I should explain.

A few months ago, Mom said to me, "do you want to hear about the drama of my love life?"

I need her to break things to me slowly. I would have preferred to hear, "I have a love life." After digesting that information, she could have continued, "recently, there has been some drama."

This is not the way my family works.

On their first date, Mom said to George, "I'm really into you. You're very cute. You're smart. But, I'm not a lesbian." Maybe I should have mentioned that George is a woman (she is nearly my age and has a mohawk; facts that are irrelevant here). George informed Mom that she isn't a lesbian either. I cannot explain. Please, do not ask me to. It is a match made in heaven. They have been seeing each other for several months.

Mom wants George to spend the holidays with us. By "us," I mean Mom, my sister, myself, and Dad. "What will we drink?" I asked.

"Everything," Mom replied.

"Well, this won't be the weirdest thing we've ever done," I said.

At least I know what to get everyone for Christmas this year. Vodka.

Mist 1

PS: Dawn, thank you for the new template. Please add your ability to work with "special needs" clients to your resume. Alison, thanks for the floss photos. You are fabulous.


101 Comments:

At 9:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gee, just when the neighbors were finally forgetting Halloween.

That sounds like way more fun than my having to cook dinner for my mostly teetotalling in-laws. The only one coming over who drinks is the one who I don't really get along with. Maybe my mantra should be "drink early, drink often"... then it might actually be interesting.

Have fun!

 
At 9:38 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

velvet,

Should be a riot. Pass the vodka.

 
At 9:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does sound like fun. I hope you take that vodka straight. No wussin' it down with cranberry or any of that nonsense.

BTW, what's a guy gotta do to get added to a blogroll. You've been on mine for weeks now ;>)

 
At 9:57 PM, Blogger Vengelyne said...

Thanks for the invitation to spend Christmas at your place, Mist1. It's so obvious that if George's invited, other "special" people like me are invited too.

I'll promise to wear a shirt outside my bra this time. And I'll try not to seduce your dad. Promise.

 
At 10:08 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

james,

Everyone on my blogroll has paid a $20 fee. Would you like to use PayPal or send a check?

I'll add you. I am miserably behind on my links. Anyone else out there need to be added?

venge,

Please seduce my dad. Nothing could make this situation more awkward.

 
At 10:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll send cash. I don't need a receipt either.

 
At 10:40 PM, Blogger Jack's Shack said...

A $20 fee.I sent my check in last week.

 
At 11:02 PM, Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Your Christmas gathering doesn’t sound “weird” at all. My family… well, perhaps I save the story for a future blog.

BTW, I take my vodka with tonic.

 
At 11:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

A link?! I didn't know that you took requests. ;)

-velvet

 
At 11:54 PM, Anonymous bice said...

I'll take an add to your blogroll if your offering... and a shot of Vodka too!

BTW... love the new template and header. Very sharp. Although I bet it looks even better after a shot of Vodka.

 
At 1:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow new template looks fantastic.

I'd send you a case of wine if I could, sounds like you'll need it.

 
At 1:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would like to know when I will be blessed with the honor of joining the ranks of your sidebar? Contrary to my last post, I am not giving up blogging. I will beat booger beta into submission.

My birthday is Wednesday. A blogroll listing would make a fabulous gift (hint, clue, hint)! Great new template!

 
At 1:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would like to know when I will be blessed with the honor of joining the ranks of your sidebar? Contrary to my last post, I am not giving up blogging. I will beat booger beta into submission.

My birthday is Wednesday. A blogroll listing would make a fabulous gift (hint, clue, hint)! Great new template!

 
At 1:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would like to know when I will be blessed with the honor of joining the ranks of your sidebar? Contrary to my last post, I am not giving up blogging. I will beat booger beta into submission.

My birthday is Wednesday. A blogroll listing would make a fabulous gift (hint, clue, hint)! Great new template!

 
At 3:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

THAT WAS A GREAT POST..and really, Mist...isn't vodka the gift that really says: "Happy Holidays"?

Here's Happy Holidays to all..and a great big Dysfunctional Holiday Season for the rest of us.

And mist..I really will read all the comments left here.

--oh and vengelyne, it's okay to wear the bra on the outside as long as it matches the socks.

Peace.

 
At 4:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your Christmas sounds waaaaay more exciting than mine. My family is too normal for their own good.

 
At 5:08 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

james,

My grandma is the only person on Earth who still sends cash through the mail. You don't look like my grandma.

jack,

Now I can quit my job. Wait, I don't have a job.

nick,

So we've been wasting all that money on therapy?

velvet,

I take requests for almost anything. As a kid, I could never resist a dare.

bice,

I also look better after a shot of vodka.

shadow,

Wine. Good idea. We will need a mixer.

blitch,

Happy birthday in advance.

stewart,

Vodka is the perfect gift for any family event.

me,

Are you interested in being adopted?

 
At 5:19 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

Oh come on, like everyone doesn't have a woman named George with a mohawk coming over for the holidays...Vodka, you say?

 
At 5:24 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

furious,

Yeah. I guess we're not that weird.

 
At 5:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I could only wish that I had just Mohawk to deal with. My side of the family arrives Thursday. They drink a little, but my morning coffee will be spiked with Coffee Liquor, Irish Cream, Valium, and possible some Percoset to get ahead on the migraine my mom will definitely create. Nice Template. Is it me or does it just seem cleaner than your previous?

 
At 5:39 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

Cleaner? Well, I did shower last week.

 
At 5:43 AM, Blogger fringes said...

Take pictures. Before and after the vodka. Before and after George sets out her anal bleaching products on the sidebar and announces herself open for bidness.

 
At 5:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ahhhhh the joyfulness of the dysfunctional family gathering!!! Vodka, Tequila straight up...it's all good!! Bless us one and all that we make it through the next week safe, sound and....well safe and sound would be nice!

 
At 6:02 AM, Blogger Jay said...

I am anxiously awaiting part two, which you will write if you actually survive the holidays this year. Best of luck, sounds like "fun".

 
At 6:03 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

Good times, mist. Good times.

 
At 6:06 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

fringes,

Excuse me, I think I need to hit the vodka early.

boo,

Dysfunctional? Us? Maybe I need to reread my post. I don't remember saying that we were dysfunctional. Where'd you get that idea?

Thanks for coming by.

jay,

I will survive. It's Dad I'm worried about.

nwjr,

That which does not kill me, makes me funnier.

 
At 6:13 AM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

I tried to tell auntie George not to go the way of the mohawk. I told her a buzz cut would go much better with the skull and bones tattoo on her chest but she wouldn't listen.

Be nice to her please otherwise she'll come home and take it out on Uncle Cheryl.

 
At 6:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmmm....meeting Mom's first girlfriend.

That's always a fun one. I found that South American Rum made it easier

None of my mom's trysts have ever turned long term. I've always wondered what the dynamic would be if they did.

 
At 6:15 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

OK I have the perfect solution - bring a guest of your own to make THEM feel more awkward than you.....one that likes to drink vodka and is close by....hmmmm you know in MN....hmmmm any ideas?? LOL

OH LOVE the new look - I need a new one - just not talented enough to make one and too lazy to look for one...

 
At 6:19 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kiyotoe,

So, you'll be there for Christmas then? Good. I'm thinking Kettle One, any thoughts?

gyuss,

Did I say Mom's first girlfriend? Oh no, that was years ago when she brought her along to bail Dad out of jail for parking tickets. Now that was awkward.

cheeky,

You are invited. Please bring any prescription medications that you would like to share.

As for the template, click Dawn's link. Then sit back and drool like a moron. She'll take pity on you, the way she did on me.

 
At 6:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Two thumbs (and a breast) up on the new template. Nice.

Let's change the vodka to Jack Daniels and you're invited to my redneck Christmas reunion.

Bring your own spitoon.

 
At 6:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The new layout looks great!
I guess it's true what they (or at least Perry Como) say: there's no place like home for the holidays. Of course Robert Goulet said it, too. That now makes me second guess it's validity...

 
At 6:44 AM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

Oooh, the good stuff. Kettle One is cool but I have a hook-up with Skyy...all the bottles I want (up to 6) whenever i want.

I saved a dude's life one time, no he owes me.

in vodka. Can't wait. (pssst....by the way, our secret crushes can't stay secrets if you tell everybody).

oops

 
At 7:05 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

ctw,

I hope to get a new spitoon for Christmas. This Mountain Dew can is getting full.

michael,

Is Mr. Goulet still alive?

kiyotoe,

I saved a kid's life once. All I got was her mom looking at me like, "So I guess you think you deserve a medal."

The word subtle means nothing to me.

 
At 7:07 AM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

I like to new look, Lady. Blue is You.

I am far too hungover to comment any further.

 
At 7:17 AM, Blogger Natalia said...

I was gonna say...love the new digs.

I should go on a date with another non-lesbian too. That sounds like the solution to my love life issues right now.

Can I have George's number? Or your mom's?

-N

 
At 7:22 AM, Blogger PhoenixHearse said...

This brings back horrible images of my then fiance drinking an entire bottle of Slo Gin at Christmas, then hurling his red puke everywhere...in front of my extended family. They didn't come to the wedding.

 
At 7:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The $20 is in the mail and should be arriving any day
I will bring the cranberry juice and we all will have a merry ol’ time
Love the new look Ü

 
At 7:32 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

123,

I am still nursing my drink from last night. I slept with it.

natalia,

Non-lesbians are the cure for any woe.

phoenix,

Did they still send a gift.

mj,

Beautiful. Please be aware that my last name is 1, not One.

 
At 7:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Funny thing, after I arrived at my folks late for Thanksgiving dinner b/c of my DUI arrest, I was not offered a single drink the entire stay.

I'm thinking Christmas is BYOB for Matt.

 
At 7:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Inform Dawn that I like your new template better as well.

Bigger text for the mentally challenged such as myself. ;)

Steve~

 
At 7:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your Christmas sounds like it will be much better than mine. Maybe I'll sneak some vodka home.

 
At 7:56 AM, Anonymous Alison said...

My family drinks at Christmas now, too. (My parents very rarely drank, see). I think it has something to do with my brother-in-law's presence, but I can't be sure.

Anyway, you're most welcome for the photo. The new template is great. Dawn did a great job.

 
At 8:04 AM, Anonymous Dallas DysFUNction said...

Mohawks are hot! Love the New Look. You're Mom Rocks... It's Monday. I have nothing further to say.

:)

 
At 8:10 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

I am utterly confused.

Try the flavored vodka - they make great personalized gifts.

(nice new duds)

 
At 8:14 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

Please feel free to drop in on us. Vodka will flow like water.

steven,

I'll let Dawn know.

karma,

Maybe you should come home with me too.

alison,

We're hoping this won't disturb Dad's sobriety.

Thanks again. I loved all the photos you sent me.

dallas,

Mom is the best. I'm iffy on mohawks.

britt,

You're utterly confused? Are we related?

 
At 8:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Absolut "I think I'll stay at the Courtyard this year, Mom. Seriously, it's just the guest-to-bathroom ratio; nothing personal..."

 
At 8:26 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kelley,

Absolut? Really?

I can't stay in a hotel. I don't want everyone coming over for the free continental breakfast.

 
At 8:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My Family drinks for other reasons, but yours is hard to top! Yeah, blue ribbon for you.

 
At 8:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for the link! Love the new look, by the way.

I hope that your dad makes it through this holiday without too much damage. I'm sure that you'll take good care of him.

 
At 8:31 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

olives,

What other's reasons are there to drink?

 
At 8:31 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

No thanks to me? I'm sure I contributed something.

 
At 8:37 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

velvet,

Poor Dad. If I had known the plan, I would have spent more $$ on his gift.

 
At 8:39 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

av,

I left out few thanks. You, G*d, my director and the entire film crew...

 
At 9:09 AM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

Love the new look! It's so you.

Can't wait to hear how the holiday gathering goes.

Please take photos to post.

...and if you're taking birthday requests, I wanna be added to your blogroll too! :)

 
At 9:20 AM, Blogger Karmyn R said...

First off - I did notice your template earlier, but had to digest it (as well ast he billion chocolate truffles I had been eating this weekend). Very blue - but calming. I like it.

Secondly - Your mom is a hoot! I want to hear more about George. Very interesting.

I have this Great-Aunt Pat, who never married and has this "friend" named Anne, (who was married and has children). Pat and Anne live together and DO EVERYTHING together.

When I finally asked my Father - is Aunt Pat a Lesbian, the response was a restounding, "NO!"

Hmmmm.....yeah, right.

 
At 9:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

don't you think vodka, 2 non-lesbians, 1 mohawk and Christmas is a somewhat volatile cocktail? that's the kind of drinkin' thinkin' that only leads to trouble, mist.

 
At 9:35 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

Whoa!!! I'm so excited about your new template that now I forgot about what you blogged about.

Really special! No warning, no announcement! You really know how to surprise an internet. I thought I was on the wrong blog.

Hey come back and see my finished post on the blog survey results. I think you sneaked your peak when it was still in progress. Some cool pics that I know you will snort over.

Oh ya, now I remember, have some drinks with George on me! ;)

 
At 9:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love drinking during the holidays. If I didn't have this nasty habit of passing out after two or three drinks I'd love drinking all the time.

Your new look is verreh verreh pretteh.

 
At 9:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My extended family just gets drunk on wine and then spend the rest of the evening making passive-aggressive remarks to eachother.

A non-lesbian named George with a mohawk would be refreshing.

Pass the appletini's.

Oh, blogroll?? Hello?? I'll pay. :)

 
At 9:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're lucky. At least your family drinks. I have to deal with mine sober, and save the tequila shots until I get home.

I wish I had a George to entertain me. It would sure beat the waste of skin that is my brother's girlfriend.

Oh, yeah, blogroll me baby!

 
At 9:54 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Alcohol makes a great gift. Its always nice to give the gift that you can partake in also. And really, if it weren't for booze how on earth would a person make it through the holidays - especially with family!!

 
At 10:48 AM, Anonymous Tug said...

I sent vodka & pretty much thought our "Date" covered the $20.

I've learned to get Mom drunk (that takes 1/2 glass of wine) & then I can drink all I want & no one notices...

 
At 11:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like the new template. I almost thought that I went to the wrong page at first. Sounds like a fun upcoming Chistmas!

 
At 11:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like the new template. I almost thought that I went to the wrong page at first. Sounds like a fun upcoming Christmas!

 
At 12:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The question remains, of course, what to get George as a gift, now that y'all are welcoming her to the family. A toolbelt? Overalls? Birkenstocks? Lipstick? Mary Cheney's biograpy? Speaking of Mary Cheney, maybe George and your mom will decide to start a family together. Big Sis Mist.

 
At 12:35 PM, Blogger Let's Pretend said...

This sounds like Christmas at my house--only we like to start drinking a few days ahead in order to "prepare ourselves" for dinner!

 
At 1:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Is there anything I can send for your party?

 
At 1:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

lmao! don't worry, I've worked with people who were much more "special" than you! :D

 
At 1:45 PM, Blogger golfwidow said...

How the hell can this be the first time I've ever seen this blog? A curse upon me. And things.

 
At 2:02 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

pissy,

I will request George's permission for photos. I want to start things on the right foot. She might be my step-mother one day.

karmyn,

I'm actually a little nervous about meeting George. Mom has told her all kids of fabulous stories about me. My sister says that most of them aren't even true. I will have to be spectacular.

hube,

Sounds like fun, doesn't it?

icl,

I forgot what I blogged about too. It happens to me every night. When I wake up in the morning, I'm all excited to see what I wrote about.

ddl,

The solution to passing out is to start drinking early. Pass out early, before the guests arrive. Then, when everyone gets there, you can start again.

sqt,

I can only imagine Mom on appletinis. It's starting to sound like a good idea.

jester,

So you like your brother's girlfriend?

meg,

If there were no alcohol, I would still go home for the holidays. There's always the vanilla extract.

tug,

So, I need to get a pitcher of margaritas down Mom's throat before I can really get serious about my drinking?

blyfinn,

You are in the right place. I just needed to be prettied up.

jocelyn,

You mean I have to shop for her? I was thinking that I could just put my name on the card and pretend I kicked in $5 for the gift Mom got her.

let's,

I started a year ago. Something told me to get my tolerance up this year.

Thanks for coming by.

0,

We will probably need more vodka. Or vodka would also be a good choice. If you don't have any of that, maybe you could just send some vodka.

miztris,

I bet you say that to all the retards.

golf,

Where have you been? We've all been here.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 2:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, this was interesting!
I'm definitely coming back for more.

 
At 2:15 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

genilimaa,

I am rarely interesting. Generally, I am just mildly to moderately crude. This must have been a good day.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 2:16 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Bring the plumber. And his snake. (Oh yeah, that one, too.)

 
At 2:17 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

Don't mind me. I'll just be in fetal position for a little while.

 
At 2:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

yeah my mom would make me shit a brick if she had that conversation with me. i probably would have sputtered all the way to the liquor store. hahahahaha

 
At 2:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL....yes, a fair amount of alcohol is usually a good thing to have at any family affair.

 
At 2:30 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

yasamin,

Have you ever shat a brick before? It really, really hurts.

claudia,

Please, let's not bring up the affair. We are all working through it.

 
At 3:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so glad to hear that there's someone else's familiy is up there in the weirdness factor too....
Peace

 
At 3:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

P.S. I love the new look of your blog!!! It's great!
Peace (again)...

 
At 4:06 PM, Anonymous archie said...

Love the new look blog, love the warm fuzzy feelings the vodka will give you, Not sure about my twisted vision of your Dad meeting George - - - NO, you don't want to go there - neither do I!
Oh, blogroll stuff - Our female croc ate the Hungarian, Czech is in the male!

 
At 4:28 PM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Love the new look. Dawn rocks HARD.

As does VODKA.

 
At 4:55 PM, Blogger C said...

Cool. I like Vodka too in case you were wondering

 
At 5:07 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

odat,

What's weird?

archie,

I come from a long line of Czechs. We make good beer.

mr. fab,

She does rock.

c,

I've just never understood people that don't.

 
At 5:28 PM, Blogger Ranger Tom said...

I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body...

 
At 5:34 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

ranger,

C'mon over. But if you hit on my mom, I will cut off the vodka.

 
At 6:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

James,

Did it ever occur to you that perhaps you hadn't made the cut and that you need to step up your writing a bit, buddy?

Mist1's site is kind of like the Phoenix Skyharbor of the blogosphere. :)

 
At 6:23 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

I've never been compared to an airport. I have been called a doorknob.

 
At 6:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Claudia gives us TMI, c-writing style...and you give us NEI. (not enough...)

Something tells me I'm too late to buy tickets to the gathering. Are you auctioning them on Ebay?

 
At 7:03 PM, Blogger Crack La Rock said...

The mr.Move is coming to Danclanta...

Jan 5 2007 10:00P
Lenny's Atlanta, Georgia


Jan 6 2007 10:00P
Tasty World Athens, Georgia

 
At 7:51 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

tigger,

I thought the mohawk part was enough.

crack,

Isn't Athens in Greece?

 
At 8:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"This won't be the weirdest thing we've ever done." Man, if I had a nickel for every time I've said that near a family gathering ...

 
At 9:07 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

dorky,

You all play "Grease the Watermelon" too?

 
At 6:39 AM, Blogger honkeie2 said...

Ummmm swingers ...but then again this little poem comes to mind:
Incest is best put your sister to the test.....sorry but I had to share that.

 
At 7:19 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

honk,

There will be no incest at Christmas this year. Uncle Vern is in jail.

 
At 10:42 AM, Blogger Nattie said...

I like the new layout!!! But I love your wit even more. Keep on bloggin'!!!

 
At 1:26 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nattie,

Thanks. Will do.

 
At 8:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. I guess that "Sex on the Beaches" and "Screaming Orgasms" won't be on the drink menu?

 
At 9:01 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

crank,

Sex on the B*tches might be more appropriate. Or inappropriate.

 
At 7:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Having an outsider at the family table is a genius move – your mother deserves commendation; the family get to feel good about themselves for helping out a charity case and they have to behave better than usual because they have a guest. The guest gets a free meal and to watch your family try and be nice to each other while thanking the lord they have managed to avoid their own dysfunctional family this year. Win-win – my favourite.

Puss
(PS. Now the blogroll thing makes sense. I thought you just didn't want the competition...)

 
At 10:52 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

I don't think you're on my blogroll. I'll add you. I'm a pretty loyal reader of your blog.

 

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Name: Mist1
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