I never thought that I'd use this blog to advertise for a company. To date, no shoe company has signed a product endorsement contract with me and so this blog remains ad-free.
I am about to make an exception to this rule.
Last night, I flew home on KKK Airlines. They cater mostly to Flight Supremacists, but I encourage everyone to fly KKK Air.
My ticket was cheap. Pretzels were served. No one had done the crossword puzzle. I got a blanket. The floatation device was actually under my seat (I checked). I didn't have to share my inflight beverage with anyone else in the aircraft. I even had an unused airsickness bag. It was by far, the best air travel experience that I have ever had.
I was upgraded to First Class because a woman refused to fly next to a man who appeared to be Middle Eastern. The woman who gave up her seat was enraged that the good people at KKKA would rather make a law abiding citizen such as herself fly standby rather than kick the suspicious looking gentleman off of the flight. She claimed that it was un-American. Spit gathered at the corners of her mouth as she ranted about her tax dollars and her rich American heritage. "These colors don't fly!" she spat at all of us gawking at her.
I was happy to take the available seat, but when they threw in a gift certificate to a local restaurant, I jumped at the opportunity to sit next to a real-life potential terrorist.
She offered to pray for my soul as I boarded the plane. I wished her all the best in her travels because I am a decent individual.
The man that I sat next to didn't appear to be ticking, but still, I summoned the flight attendant for a drink. If I'm going to die in a ball of fire, I want to be tipsy from vodka.
The captain came on the intercom and told us that our estimated flight time would be two hours and four minutes. The man next to me sat motionless. Apparently, the timer on the bomb strapped to his torso was preset. The captain also told us the altitude that we would be flying at. I'm still not sure why this is relevant information. I pressed the button for the flight attendant and asked her why we wouldn't be flying at 22,000 feet tonight. She gave me a bag of pretzels.
Before departure, the captain urged the flight attendants to put on their hoods for take-off. They pulled white pillow cases over their heads and pointed out the emergency exits; the two in front were marked Whites Only.
The man next to me offered me a piece of gum. I noted that the gum had a liquid center and politely declined. I wonder how he got it through security. I had to surrender my hand sanitizer and yet he was able to smuggle an entire pack of liquid center gum onto the plane. The whole thing reeked of an inside job.
We watched a movie on my laptop, sharing the earbuds. It was kind of romantic in that Forbidden Love sort of way.
As we landed the captain updated us on the local time and weather. He thanked us for flying KKK Air and gave instructions as to where the White passengers could retrieve their luggage.