To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Friday, December 29, 2006

Friendly Skies


I never thought that I'd use this blog to advertise for a company. To date, no shoe company has signed a product endorsement contract with me and so this blog remains ad-free.

I am about to make an exception to this rule.

Last night, I flew home on KKK Airlines. They cater mostly to Flight Supremacists, but I encourage everyone to fly KKK Air.

My ticket was cheap. Pretzels were served. No one had done the crossword puzzle. I got a blanket. The floatation device was actually under my seat (I checked). I didn't have to share my inflight beverage with anyone else in the aircraft. I even had an unused airsickness bag. It was by far, the best air travel experience that I have ever had.

I was upgraded to First Class because a woman refused to fly next to a man who appeared to be Middle Eastern. The woman who gave up her seat was enraged that the good people at KKKA would rather make a law abiding citizen such as herself fly standby rather than kick the suspicious looking gentleman off of the flight. She claimed that it was un-American. Spit gathered at the corners of her mouth as she ranted about her tax dollars and her rich American heritage. "These colors don't fly!" she spat at all of us gawking at her.

I was happy to take the available seat, but when they threw in a gift certificate to a local restaurant, I jumped at the opportunity to sit next to a real-life potential terrorist.

She offered to pray for my soul as I boarded the plane. I wished her all the best in her travels because I am a decent individual.

The man that I sat next to didn't appear to be ticking, but still, I summoned the flight attendant for a drink. If I'm going to die in a ball of fire, I want to be tipsy from vodka.

The captain came on the intercom and told us that our estimated flight time would be two hours and four minutes. The man next to me sat motionless. Apparently, the timer on the bomb strapped to his torso was preset. The captain also told us the altitude that we would be flying at. I'm still not sure why this is relevant information. I pressed the button for the flight attendant and asked her why we wouldn't be flying at 22,000 feet tonight. She gave me a bag of pretzels.

Before departure, the captain urged the flight attendants to put on their hoods for take-off. They pulled white pillow cases over their heads and pointed out the emergency exits; the two in front were marked Whites Only.

The man next to me offered me a piece of gum. I noted that the gum had a liquid center and politely declined. I wonder how he got it through security. I had to surrender my hand sanitizer and yet he was able to smuggle an entire pack of liquid center gum onto the plane. The whole thing reeked of an inside job.

We watched a movie on my laptop, sharing the earbuds. It was kind of romantic in that Forbidden Love sort of way.

As we landed the captain updated us on the local time and weather. He thanked us for flying KKK Air and gave instructions as to where the White passengers could retrieve their luggage.

Flight Power!

Mist 1


79 Comments:

At 11:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I didn't know they still made Freshen-Up gum! Talk about a flashback. I'll need that next time I fly.

 
At 11:55 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I'm glad he wasn't a terrorist since you were without your tweezers and all.

 
At 12:10 AM, Anonymous archie said...

Flying is for the birds! I prefer to walk, thank you! At least until the Jack's is all gone - then I lie on the ground and try not to fall off.

 
At 1:05 AM, Anonymous Bice said...

I heard Michael Richards is KKKA's new celebrity spokesman.

 
At 1:30 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

I know funny, and you're funny.

 
At 2:35 AM, Blogger CP said...

Mist...You are truly the funniest bitch alive. The story, at the heart of it, is so sad and so pathetic, yet you managed to make it funny.

You are the Blog Borat. You rock.

My husband is middle eastern. You can sit with him and share forbidden love ANYTIME!!!!

CP.

 
At 3:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, at least you were decent about all the inconveniences you had to put up with. I wonder if they'd give you extra pretzels in coach.

 
At 3:55 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

You've outdone yourself. Save me a seat next to you when we go to meet Satan. Happy New Year Lady!

 
At 5:21 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

The crazy ideas that come to you when you're delirious on an airplane and exhausted from the holidays, eh?

Very nice.

 
At 6:09 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

I assume there were no jive translators on board?

Luckily no one needed to lay 'em down and slack 'em yak 'em.....shheeeeet

 
At 6:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You simply have a knack for forcefully ejecting coffee through my nose from the hysterical laughter that ensues every time I read it.
I figure if the terrorist replaced the liquid centers on each piece of gum, and then micro wired each piece to the device, he might just get a blow pop out of it.

 
At 6:49 AM, Blogger Natalia said...

ROTFL @ FLight Power.

-N

 
At 7:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should have asked the cocktail waitress on the flight for a booster seat.

 
At 7:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is too bad that they took your professional tweezers .. at least you would have had a weapon.. just incase your seat buddy got out of control…you could have plucked his eyebrows

 
At 7:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy crap. Only on your blog do I find potential terrorist, forbidden love, angry white women and KKK airlines.

I LOVE IT!

 
At 7:52 AM, Blogger Mr. G said...

Glad you made it home safely Mist. Have a happy and safe new years eve...I look forward to more Tales from the Mist next year!!

 
At 8:19 AM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

Wow--an unused sick sack? That is classy.

Don't go gettin' all big headed on us now just because you got the whole can of Coke.

 
At 8:35 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

Mist, my mission in life has now become figuring out where in the hell you come up with this shit! LOL

 
At 9:02 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

ddl,

You'll have to come up with a clever place to stash it when you go through security.

hearts,

I was armed with a home waxing kit.

archie,

I fell off the ground once.

bice,

What a perfect celebrity endorsement.

fab,

I know Funny too. We go way back.

cp,

I've been waiting all my life for someone to donate their husband to me.

wg,

I'm still full from my extra bag of pretzels.

maiden,

Let's use my miles to go to the KKK resort.

av,

I find First Class inspirational. I actually drafted this on the barf bag.

furious,

Slack 'em yak 'em is like Rock 'em Sock 'em isn't it?

michael,

No blow pops in First Class. That's for Mile High Club Airlines.

natalia,

That made me laugh too. The pilot didn't see my humor when I said it to him as I was deplaning.

matt,

I asked for an ejector seat.

mj,

His brows were menacing.

olives,

My world is a strange place. I like it here.

mr. g,

Tales from the Mist is the best title I've heard yet.

123,

How many times do I have to tell you that my head's not big. I have big hair.

britt,

You're giving up world domination?

 
At 9:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

An injector seat? Really?

 
At 9:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

why do i think you're a veteran of the mile-high club?

 
At 9:33 AM, Anonymous Kimberly Char said...

Therein lies my problem - I tend to fly the major airlines. Does KKK have a website??

 
At 9:36 AM, Blogger fringes said...

...where the white passengers could retrieve their luggage...

too funny

on KKK Air, the last passenger I'd be concerned about is the middle eastern guy.

 
At 9:57 AM, Blogger Jay said...

Well, isn't that exciting? Glad you enjoyed your flight.

 
At 10:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm not sure you are the REAL mist... you SHARED your earbuds? i think not.... something is not quite right here.... bee

 
At 10:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, I'm so glad I found this blog. You're hilarious! I love your writing.

-Maxime.

 
At 10:30 AM, Blogger Lex said...

[standing ovation]

You are insane. I love your sense of humor. Please tell us the airline so I can stage a sit in at the gates.

 
At 11:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Welcome home. We can return to normal now, can't we?

 
At 12:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've seen you all over blogs so I decided to visit. This was hilarious. Nice blogging...I think they made a similar joke on the radio the other day. LOL

 
At 1:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cum gum?
Peace

 
At 2:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you're better than me girl. I'd be too worried it was a trap to get unsuspecting (handsome) black men out to the middle of nowhere so they can show us what they really think about us.

Glad you made it safe and sound.

 
At 3:03 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

It was kind of a pain in the a$$.

brooklyn,

Well, we did share earbuds.

kimberly,

I'm sure if you Google KKK, you'll find something.

Thanks for coming by.

fringes,

I asked to see the cockpit and when I came back to my seat, there was a tiny little cross burning there.

jay,

I'll fly that airline any time.

bee,

I do have a soft side, you know.

maxime,

You caught me on a good day. Usually, I talk about my crotch.

Thanks for coming by.

lex,

Thank you. I've never had a standing ovation. I like it.

0,

Things are never quite normal around here.

rach,

I'm a little put out that a radio station used my bit before I had even thought of it. I'll probably sue them.

Thanks for coming by.

odat,

Stop it. Why must you put that image in my head? You know that I will think of this at an inappropriate time, right?

kiyotoe,

I wouldn't recommend the KKK Cruiseline then.

 
At 3:12 PM, Anonymous Karmyn said...

Next time you fly - ask for the emergency exit...there's more leg room.

 
At 4:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Most potential terrorists are very friendly - rather like potential rapists and potential bank robbers. It's potential husbands who all turn out to be jerks.

Puss

 
At 4:36 PM, Blogger fringes said...

I'm not ashamed to admit I've read this post several times today, laughing each time at the post and at your comment responses. Your apparent brain injury was the best thing that could have happened to you. To us.

 
At 5:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If I'm going to die in a ball of fire, I want to be tipsy from vodka.

Now this here is what they call turning lemons into lemonade! You go girl!

 
At 5:26 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

karmyn,

I don't need extra leg room. I don't have extra legs.

puss,

That's it. I'm marrying a bank robber.

fringes,

The comments are what make the blog what it is. You all make me laugh.

dan,

My glass is half full.

 
At 5:45 PM, Blogger First Nations said...

we don't make you sit next to wierdos here at Muk Airlines. we do make you eat dog, and we do hang the unruly from the aeirolons by a pointy stick shoved through their pectoral muscles. and theres blackjack.
and the captain is wearing a tavern jacket.
next time, you'll know.

 
At 6:59 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

first,

I almost flew Muk Air. I was flying out of MN. You aren't in the HHH terminal, are you?

 
At 8:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You friggin kill me!

 
At 8:22 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

lee,

Sometimes, I even kill myself.

 
At 9:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That lady is an idiot. You're nicer than me because I would have told her to go sh*t in her hat.

Very funny post. Glad that you got home safely.

-velvet

 
At 3:31 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

"I noted that the gum had a liquid center and politely declined. I wonder how he got it through security."

BWAHAHAHAHA

Mad props to you for that one. Funniest thing I've read all week. Next time I chew "cum-gum", I'm gonna remember this post, fershirrrrrr.

 
At 6:03 AM, Blogger Ranger Tom said...

I know the Gestapo is now in charge of the airport security, and the last flight I had reminded me of those cattle cars the Nazis hered the Jews to the concentration camps in...

So your analogy isn't far from the truth.

It truly makes it impossible to join, let alone enjoy the Mile High Club!

 
At 6:40 AM, Blogger Just telling it like it is said...

Maybe you should have just drank some Jack and then you would not even remember what happen...that always works for me...except I don't drink the Jack cause you know there was that one time in high school that still haunts me.... but then again the bottle is the answer for everything to me…what can I say I am not an alcoholic…like they say they go to meetings I just drink for the hell of it…

 
At 10:18 AM, Anonymous swampwitch said...

Just have to know what movie you watched together...I think that woman who refused to fly must have been on a recent flight with me. Many of us tried to trample her as we retrieved our luggage.

 
At 2:02 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

velvet,

I'm not quick enough to think up stuff like, "go sh*t in your hat."

nwjr,

I still can't figure out how he got it through. It wasn't in a ziploc baggie or anything.

ranger,

Gestapo Air is good too.

tellin',

I love those meetings. They remind me that things could get worse and reinforce the belief that I don't have a problem.

swamp,

We watched a Mary Kate and Ashley movie. He wept like a baby.

 
At 2:19 PM, Anonymous Evil Genius said...

He didn't by chance keep that gum in his shoe, did he? Oh well, it doesn't matter since you never blew up and all. Maybe it was because you offered to share your earbuds to watch the movie together. Maybe all the poor potential terrorist needed was someone to show him a little (forbidden) unconditional love.

You are truly my hero. And to think, you did it all without tweezers! :-)

(Have a FANTASTIC holiday and a great New Year!!)

 
At 2:26 PM, Anonymous swampwitch said...

OK, I wasn't going to do this, but since you visited The Asylum today, I decided it was an omen and gave myself permission to come back and refer you to a post concerning Airlines that is in my December Archives. When you have time, check out December 05, Letter to the Airlines. And, while you're there, I think you might also enjoy December 12, Not a Typical Family. Have a Happy New Year ! You have made my day, everyday, filling it with laughter, and covering my computer screen with coffee and snot. Thanks a lot ! <:)

 
At 2:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

mist taking the day off? as melon says, looking for a well hung dictator? bee

 
At 2:59 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

evil,

I will probably be publicly recognized for my unconventional anti-terrorism techniques.

swamp,

Why do you drink coffee and snot? You should try CoffeeMate.

bee,

I always take the weekends off. My brain needs two days off to be funny again.

 
At 6:21 PM, Blogger SabilaK said...

We should all fly naked. It would be a super ice breaker.

 
At 7:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You shared earbuds? Did he use the left or right? I hope you bought some more sanitizer to get rid of any residual ear wax funk!!

 
At 7:30 PM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

So glad you made it back alive.

Did you get the guys phone number?

He sounds like a hot prospect.

 
At 7:40 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

sabilak,

That idea only works when flying to tropical locations.

nihilistic,

Of all the bodily fluids that it's possible to exchange, earwax is my favorite.

pissy,

The area code was 666. I feel like that's a bad omen.

 
At 8:24 PM, Blogger Crack La Rock said...

Don't hate cause I'm pretty white...sheeeit. Hey who is this K-Fed everyone is talking about?

 
At 10:26 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

crack,

Pretty white like Snow?

 
At 12:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You see? I knew driving was the way to go.

 
At 9:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

so this was different from a regular airline how? ;)

 
At 9:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I flew that airline once.

I wanted crackers. They offered chocolate covered nuts.

 
At 10:43 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kelley,

You must be a much better driver than I am.

miztris,

The extra pretzels.

james,

Oh, they had plenty of crackers.

 
At 11:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok.. I'm challenging everyone with word verification to turn it off for one week... but I suspect you'd tell me to kiss my butt lol

 
At 12:34 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

skittles,

You can kiss your own butt?

 
At 1:00 PM, Blogger Babs said...

Flotation devices are great for flying over dry land. Gives you something comfy to land on.
Flight Power! LOL!
Happy New Year!!!

 
At 1:12 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

babs,

In First Class, you get a parachute.

 
At 2:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The vodka sounds good, but was the in-flight meal nearly as good as a condemned person's last meal?

 
At 5:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jeez, this is why I dont fly. And Im white. Thats sad.

 
At 1:09 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

lizza,

I've never had a last meal. It seems like there's always another one.

jessie,

Buy a ticket. KKK Airlines. You heard it here first. Hell, being white and all, you might even make captain.

 
At 9:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Air travel is such a joke. No wonder comedians love talking about being on a plane so often.

 
At 11:43 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

bird,

Do Amish comedians talk about horse travel?

 
At 1:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i live in australia, do they make trips down here? we don't have much in the way of kkk but we do have the whites only policy :/

 
At 2:03 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

kris,

They fly where ever there is discrimination and racial profiling.

 
At 8:47 PM, Blogger Doug said...

I'm really irritated just reading this by how stupid that woman is. Her stupidity did manage to get you a nicer seat. I guess stupidity can pay off

 
At 9:12 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

doug,

Never underestimate the power of stupidity.

 
At 8:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow...and I thought my flights were exciting! It's nothing like oppression in the air...

guess it's safe to assume that you all weren't going to Africa to see the new schools Oprah built....
:)

p.s. are you sure you were in first class? Did they serve the beer with ice?

 
At 5:49 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

counselor,

I can never go to Africa. I read a book called 101 Diseases You Don't Want to Get. You could contract all of them in Africa.

 
At 6:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

girl sometimes you just amaze me. thank you for being kind to my terrorist family member. he was probably my uncle. he also didnt set his bomb off because you shared your ear buds. he's asked me to thank you and praise allah.

 
At 7:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm beyond politics when it comes to air travel. I'd fly fourth reich airlines if they'd just show up and land on time and give me a decent meal.

 
At 4:43 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

yasamin,

Praise Him.

crank,

That's the best airline name.

 

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