To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Wednesday, December 27, 2006

I Used to Live Here


I know what it's like to live in a Developing Nation.

I had to drink tap water yesterday. I am sure that I have guinea worms now. There's nothing I can do but sit and wait for them to emerge. It could take a year. I have started collecting sticks. I read that I will need to wrap the worms around the sticks and gently turn them every day. I hope that the worms grow out of my head so that I can disguise them in my hair.

While I have never stayed in a refuge camp, I bet they have wi-fi. Otherwise, all those people wouldn't stay there. They would claim Internet Asylum and move far, far away. My current internet options are:

  1. Steal from Mom's neighbors. This requires sitting outside in the cold. I feel like a crackhead.
  2. Use Grandma's dial-up. This requires the patience of a saint. I am not a saint.
  3. Sit in a coffee shop all day. This requires mass consumption of caffeine. At my post Christmas weight, 12 more cups of coffee will kill me.
Yesterday, Mom's furnace decided to die. I am sleeping in the basement of her house. I can see my breath. I wore layers to bed last night. I put on gloves, thinking that she might say, "Do you want to stay in a hotel tonight?" but she just said, "Don't forget to turn off the stereo." She is a tough woman.

I dreamt that I was climbing Everest. In the dream, I fell and lost my radio. I woke up burrowed into the blankets with a make-shift splint tied around my leg. I will probably lose a few fingers, all of my toes, and maybe the tip of my nose.

I am thinking about opening a vein.

I can't wait to get home.

Mist 1


58 Comments:

At 9:35 PM, Anonymous Bice said...

Don't waste the time trying to open a vein, you're skin is probably frozen and you'll just dull a perfectly good knife.

 
At 9:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Build a fire in the basement. She'll never notice the smoke. Smoke doesn't rise when it's that cold.

 
At 10:14 PM, Blogger SQT said...

OMG! The horror the horror. No one should have to live in such primitive conditions.

I hope you make it through. Selfishly though, I would miss your posts.

 
At 10:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

just remember... with the loss of bodyparts also means the lessening of weight on the scale.

think positive. ;p

 
At 10:29 PM, Blogger ian said...

Our tap water is just fine, so long as I remember to dump potassium into our whole-house filter. Otherwise it has the delicate flavor of ass.

See you when you get back. :)

Ian

 
At 10:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well the cold and the frostbite part is just whining, but no innernet????? Thats just wrong!
Hope you get home soon.

BD

 
At 10:53 PM, Anonymous archie said...

Power failure here last night. No airconditioning, millions of mosquitoes, warm water, dreamt of furnace rooms in iron foundries, today waiting for malaria, probably dengue fever, cholera and typhoid are just around the corner. Could not make a coffee for 10 hours! Satellite connection lost for 10 hours!

I know I am dead, please send someone to bury me!

Good luck with your recovery.

 
At 2:12 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Well, I don't want to bring you down, but you are probably going to die.

I will miss you. Others will tell you that, but they are lying.

But I am not.

 
At 2:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aaah the cold. I remember that. Kinda. Its coming into summer here now. Shall we take it in turns to bitch about the cold?

Dibs on the next winter.

 
At 4:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, don't discount the imporance of cannibalism in the next couple days. While it may sound barbaric, it may be necessary to keep up your strength for the return home to civilization.

As for warmth. Knees. That's all I'll say. Knees.

Finally, when things get so bad that you feel like Dick Cheney's idiot conjoined twin, Lisa, remember that life sucks and no one really gives a damn.

Love,
Stewart

 
At 4:56 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

I used to steal my neighbor's wi-fi when I was living alone and couldn't afford cable, let alone high-speed. There was one two-foot square corner of the bedroom, right next to the window, that afforded enough intermittent signal to get the job done.

I was about ready to spring for an upgraded antenna when I moved back home. Getting back my high-speed was almost worth it.

 
At 5:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, you poor thing. Shall I overnight a satellite receiver to you so you have a connection?

Something you might consider - depending on your service plan, you may be able to connect through your cell phone. Don't know if it would be faster than dial up, but something to consider.

Don't open a vein. Its so cold there, you probably wouldn't bleed out, anyway. The head in the fireplace thing works. At least you die warm.

 
At 5:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would kill to lose the tip of my nose to frost bite. Some people have all the luck.

 
At 6:18 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Maybe for Grandma's birthday a DSL modem would be a good gift idea!

Starbucks sells mugs that look like their paper cups. Just buy one of those and fill it with water and pretend-drink it all day long while you use their wi-fi.

Don't visit my blog today - there are a ton of pictures that will cause you to melt down and cry because they will take so long to load.

 
At 6:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So .. HOW is the coffee shop ??
Also We just MOVED … in with my parents for a bit and they keep the heat at a comfortable?? 61 degrees what the hell dad??
I feel your pain .. I really do..

 
At 6:40 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

Hook up your laptop to the furnace and pretend to fix it, by "hacking into it"...you'll at least entertain yourself and probably get just as fast a connection as the dial-up

 
At 6:46 AM, Blogger Natalia said...

Stealing sounds good to me. Except for the frostbite.

-N

 
At 6:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

put on your clean underwear!

 
At 6:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

call me, firefighter

 
At 6:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

call me, firefighter

 
At 7:04 AM, Anonymous Slick said...

Awwww...it's done got kinda cold here too Mist.

If you're losing body parts, good thing Mom is around!

 
At 7:38 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Wow - rough conditions, so much for that warm fuzzy feeling your suppose to get when you go home for the holidays!! I bet she had a nice warm homecooked breakfast ready for you tho.....

Oh, and I was always told that you need to keep a glass of warm milk around, that those worms love it and will crawl out to get to it. Just an idea...

t/c

 
At 7:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Welcome to England.

Puss (in boots, mittens, balaclava & thermal undies)

 
At 7:57 AM, Anonymous Kristyn said...

Only you could make worms stylish, Mist. I mean that in the nicest possible way, and hey, maybe your direct gaze will start turning people to stone... it could have potential!

 
At 8:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should take a cue from The Empire Strikes Back and cut open another creature to crawl inside for warmth.
Does your Mom have any big dogs?

 
At 8:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahh the pains we take onto ourselves to be with family...
Funny how alot of people have had this type of occurance at least once but usually don't own up to it like you Mist. That's honesty for ya.

One Crimmas the family was meeting at Gramma's apt. On first arrivalt it was decided that 6 people would be staying a few days in the little place. At the time I happened to be the 2nd to youngest, so I was given the not-so-rare opportunity to sleep for not one - but two nites on the wonderful shag carpet. Oops Forgot to mention that I had a couple of couch cushions and gramma's crochet afghan. That's living instyle

 
At 8:11 AM, Anonymous Dallas DysFUNction said...

You should have built a fire. I heard thats what you do in extreme survival cases. you'll need two sticks to rub together. Your legs should work...

 
At 8:33 AM, Blogger The Stiltwalker said...

I dreamt about riding up and down some elevator with this weird looking guy all nite long. I kept pushing buttons and the shit just wouldn't stop. It would have been better if the guy raped me though.

 
At 8:38 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

LOL, ah Home Sweet Home. it's amazing to think sometimes that those people raised us - in those houses.

 
At 9:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

loosing the tip of your nose is hot!

 
At 9:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

broken furnaces? dial-up connections?

that.sounds.like.HELL.

cheers to a better 2007 for you, mist!

 
At 9:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

In case of worm, (or utter dispair) here's what you might want to try:

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/2006/12/cricket-suicide.html

 
At 10:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh poor Mist... the indignities you suffer. *sigh* Do you at least have your floss with you???

 
At 11:56 AM, Blogger fringes said...

Hang in there! You could be in 110 degrees with no air conditioning. But that dial-up? I'd shoot myself, too.

 
At 12:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your mother sounds like mine. I stayed at her house on Christmas--she turns off all heat in the house when she sleeps. I woke up with a trail of drool freezing my face to the leather couch. Thankfully I got a spatula for Christmas and could remove my head from the couch.

 
At 12:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Home sweet home, right? You should have come to my house :)

 
At 1:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Losing the furnace when its cold outside is my idea of a bad time. This happened to us Thanksgiving 2005. BAD! We heated one room with a small heater to little effect.

Being stuck with MOM - even worse. Damn it all - no wonder you dreamt of Everest and frostbite. Its bad enough when you have a proper sleeping bag.

 
At 1:03 PM, Blogger Bibi said...

Worms... I would open a vein too. Even the thought of having them would drive me insane.

 
At 2:13 PM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

Frostbite is the new eating disorder, Mist, so you'll be super trendy.

 
At 2:19 PM, Blogger Tom Bailey said...

Did you just watch the A and E everest series?

 
At 2:49 PM, Blogger Jack's Shack said...

Sounds like way too much fun.

 
At 3:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAH! First! And also, totally off topic! I moved my blog to eaudedeux.blogspot.com

Your worm descriptions made me just a twee disgusted. Thanks.

 
At 4:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does your Mom live in Wales or something? Sounds like she enjoys all the comforts of the same place I live.

Wi-fi? Is that the new console from Nintendo?

Toes are over-rated anyway.

 
At 4:24 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

bice,

You must know from experience.

0,

Please send matches.

sqt,

I can't understand how she lives like this. I miss everyone's blog. I can only comment on like four a day before, I have to call it quits.

yasamin,

I am practically weightless.

ian,

Ah, the delicate flavor of a$$.

donk,

No internet. How the hell am I supposed to blog?

archie,

Have you taken care of all your affairs or are you going to be a burden on your next of kin? I prefer the burden route myself.

fab,

I must owe you money.

phishez,

Next winter is yours. I'm not coming back here. Ever.

stewart,

I can't decide who to have for dinner.

nwjr,

I may have to sit outside this coffee shop when they close down, just for the internet.

michael,

Bless you. Please send it UPS. I thought about the head in the fireplace, but it seemed too Sylvia Plath.

lux,

My nose is my second best feature. Even the tip.

av,

You posted that just to torment me. You are a cruel man.

mj,

I am moving into the coffee shop. I have already put down a security deposit.

furious,

I don't know the password to the furnace.

natalia,

Do my fingers look like they're turning black to you?

bee,

That would require getting naked. It's much too cold for that.

anon,

My phone is in a cab somewhere in a city far, far away. Should I just call 911 and ask for a firefighter?

slick,

Why? So Mom can sew my limbs back on?

meg,

I hate milk more than the worms.

puss,

Is balaclava that delicious pastry that I love so much?

kristyn,

The churning worms are keeping me warm.

killer,

I am typing this from inside of the corpse of a deer on the side of the road.

mayren,

Next year they will have to come to see me.

dallas,

My inner thighs are bruised from all the rubbing.

stilt,

I think you can arrange that scenario.

britt,

I remember this house having heat.

margaret,

I will miss my nose.

miztris,

Is it 2007 yet? I must have been out for longer than I thought.

furious,

I am afraid to follow the link.

skittles,

Of course I have floss.

fringes,

110 sounds good right now.

susan,

Who gets a spatula for Christmas?

kiyotoe,

I didn't know that I was invited. In all the times that I've driven past and stared in your windows, I never felt like a guest.

sloop,

Sleeping bag? I think that's what Mom called me this morning.

Thanks for coming by.

bibi,

Slash them vertically, not across.

123,

I was just getting over the eating disorder. I hate being such a trend setter.

tom,

I might have seen a few hours late at night.

jack,

I have to reread my post then.

desiree,

You are first. Just after a lot of other people.

vince,

My feet look so much smaller now.

 
At 5:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

aren't you a good daughter for staying with mom. If she doesn't make it through Mt Everest, take solice in the fact that you don't have to starve.

Good luck picking up your pieces on the way back down!

 
At 5:40 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

olives,

I'm not a good cook. Is human meat good rare?

 
At 6:10 PM, Blogger Tom Bailey said...

mist1 - excellent post as always. The everest series is over now so if you dream about everest in a week or so it might be a sign you are supposed to start training for it.... I never saw people flossing on the show maybe you have a fear of having to climb everest w/o floss.

 
At 6:18 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

tom,

I don't own good climbing shoes.

 
At 6:50 PM, Blogger Vengelyne said...

Your mom and my uncle will get along just fine - they're both concerned about conserving electricity and drop reminders at every time they get at the most inappropriate time, too. Maybe we can hook them both up sometime.

 
At 6:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I know about the house boys, but how are you fixed for Sherpa guides?

 
At 7:37 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I would have thought your mom would let you sleep on the end of her bed and George's. Damn, girl. That's cold.

 
At 8:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you don't make it, (this would crush me as I have just found your site recently and I'm in awe) can I have your undisclosed item from the Boxing Day post?

I also like Killer's idea since I am a Star Wars Geek.

I am also devising a plan for you that involves a makeshift floss antenna so you can get the neighbor's wi-fi next time in your mothers house.

 
At 8:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Rather than deal with dial-up, I went offline for a few days and reset my brain. A nice bottle of red wine helped to deal with the tremors.

 
At 12:59 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

venge,

Have him call Mom.

0,

I don't do men that like to get high.

hearts,

She's a hard woman.

wave,

If you can devise such a device, I will probably make lewd advances. I apologize in advance for my unlady-like behavior.

Thanks for coming by.

matt,

Offline? I would need more than wine.

 
At 10:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Get a 2-ply union suit. There's nothing less sexy--you'll end up looking like a redneck superhero--but it is the most warming, comfortable article of clothing ever invented.

 
At 11:55 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

crank,

Sexy is sort of my thing.

 
At 11:32 PM, Blogger melanie said...

yea. going home is way to much familiar pain for me as well.

 
At 12:17 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

melanie,

I swear, I'm not doing it next Christmas.

 

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Name: Mist1
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