To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Thursday, December 28, 2006

Humanitarian Effort


I love airplanes. I even love airports. I make up stories to tell the poor bastard in the seat next to me. There's nothing like a captive audience.

I don't love the Transportation Security Administration.

The last time my sister flew, she got caught with 17 lighters in her purse. The TSA agent asked her if she was aware that she was carrying 17 lighters. "I'm a smoker," was all she could say. I thought that Kleptomania would have been a better explanation.

I was worried about the amount of dental floss that I had in my carry-on. I walked through the metal detector without any complications, but my bag was stopped. The agent dumped out the contents of my purse. Humiliated, I tried to explain the panties. He avoided eye contact and fished out my tweezers.

I have a few obsessive-compulsive behaviors. Body hair grooming is one of them. I forgot to remove the tweezers before I got to the airport. I use professional tweezers. I had to get licensed and bonded to purchase them. I showed him my credentials. The agent was not impressed. They were confiscated and tossed into the bin with the other contraband items. I protested. He also took the panties.

The first thing I did when Mom picked me up at the airport was demand that she take me somewhere to have my brows waxed. I would not be able to face my home town without proper eyebrow care. I told her what had happened to my tweezers.

"What do they do with all that stuff?" she asked. I told her that they sell everything back to the public for profit. She was outraged. Mom thinks that the items should be donated to the homeless. She has a point. I think that if the homeless had tweezers, they could probably find affordable housing.

Tweezers have the power to change lives. I would probably still be on the streets if I had never had my brows shaped.

I am flying home today. I have already called the beauty supply store to make sure they have my tweezers in stock.

Mist 1


75 Comments:

At 7:05 PM, Blogger fringes said...

I'm so glad you're on the way home. Very selfishly, and I know you love your mom and all, but, dang it, we need Mist here on the Internets, not in some freezing basement on freaking dialup.

Safe travels.

 
At 7:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I did some eyebrow maintenance today after a horrified double-take in the mirror. And it's kinda hard to imagine which I would want more from the airport confiscation store...tweezers or panties. I think I might splurge.

 
At 7:33 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

When I flew to Hawaii, they confiscated my very good tweezers and threw them into a huge box with a million other pairs, totally contaminating them.

And they subjected me to a body cavity search. Did they think I had another pair stashed THERE? What kind of perverts agree to that job description?

 
At 7:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I cry like a baby when I even see tweezers...what type of word is that??

I'm excitedly awaiting my first airplane ride post surgery. I'm curious to see if my artificial valve sets off the metal detector.

I'll feel like a star when I take out my card indentifying me as someone with an artificial valve as I say 'it's ok, I'm official.' It's not often I get attention...

 
At 7:53 PM, Blogger CP said...

When I flew back from New York last week, the bitch at the security desk was like "We have to take your liquid makeup". I'm like, Um, okay, but I flew with it HERE in my purse. She's like "Yeah, but, we don't tolerate that. I'm going to have to throw it away."

I said, better yet, why don't you keep it. It will help with the dark circles under your eyes. You look really tired.

Heh. She didn't like that very much.

CP.

 
At 8:06 PM, Blogger Natalia said...

On my way back from Ireland earlier in the month, I sat next to this woman who must have told me everything there is to know about her. Not even the fact that I had my Ipod on or that I was asleep seemed to deter her. Scary how needy people get.

-N

 
At 8:09 PM, Blogger andrea said...

Since you have a thing for flying'n'floss maybe you should get on a plane and fly to Montana. I hear the best dental floss ranches are there. Then you can quote Frank Zappa: "Moving to Montana soon, gonna be a dental floss tycoon." It's also there you'll find "a pair of heavy duty zircon-encrusted tweezers."

("Montana" from Sheik Yerbouti ~ and hey, no charge.)

 
At 8:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

professional tweezers? what the hell are those - or at least, how do they differ from the butter knife-tipped tweezers the rest of us use to pluck our back hair?

 
At 8:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should have your eyebrows threaded. It's like using dental floss to groom your eyebrows. Sheer heaven I'm sure.

 
At 8:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel your pain...so sorry bout the tweezers! The nerve!

 
At 9:08 PM, Blogger Avitable said...

Have a safe flight.

And if the homeless were properly tweezed, all they would need would be free liquid deodorant to be real members of society again.

 
At 9:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

TWEEZERS? They wouldn't let you bring a pair of TWEEZERS on board? Well, come to think of it, nothing scares the $#!@ out of me more than tweezer-wielding terrorists. "GIVE ME CONTROL OF THE PLANE OR I'LL BEGIN PLUCKING HAIR OUT OF PASSENGERS' NOSTRILS ONE BY ONE!"

 
At 10:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Between the heat and the Tweezer Escapade, it's a miracle you have survived this trip at all. When are you due back in civilization?

 
At 10:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Must buy tweezers.

And floss.

And probably panties too.

 
At 12:42 AM, Anonymous Bice said...

A lack of hair between the eyebrows is all that separates us from the apes. Well that and an electric fence, but mainly the eye brow thing.

 
At 1:08 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

So does this mean your back hair is running rampant as well?

 
At 2:48 AM, Anonymous Romerican said...

I wonder how many decades will pass before people demand to be allowed to live normally again. These airport security measures are pretty much total bullshit, as all the reports have previously shown. It's pretty much a scam.

Besides, no one would try hijacking a plane with tweezers. And even if they did, the rest of us aren't going to sit around like a bunch pussies next time; we'd all be fixin to kick their tweezer-holding asses right quick. So, just give us back our lives, you beltway pricks.

Chicks with body grooming compulsions are sexy.

 
At 3:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

O.M.G. This happened to me. I made my boyfriend drive to the nearest drug store so I could get a crap-pair just to ease the panic attack. I had to get a new credit card to finance another pro-pair when I got back. I stand at the mirror, staring intently, trying to see which of those little b*stards dared to try to grow in while I wasn't looking.

On Christmas, I was asked to pluck a few of my Gram's stragglers. It was the best Christmas present ever.

We were separated at birth.

 
At 5:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Man, I HATE it when that happens. Good tweezers are as hard to find as a sexy toe. The "tweezers" they sell today can hardly clamp on a hair, much less pluck the thing.

 
At 5:06 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

I used to have a unibrow. Then one day I realized I looked like a freakin' muppet.

 
At 5:35 AM, Blogger Roadchick said...

You know, if you're really lucky, they take you into that little room off to the side and do a body cavity search. For FREE.

Who says travel isn't fun?

Fly the friendly skies!

 
At 6:24 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

He took the panties??????

 
At 6:31 AM, Blogger Meg said...

If they had been edible underwear you could have just claimed they were a snack....just a thought :)

good day mate!

 
At 6:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

yeah mist, they snagged my cute little manicure scissors and plopped them in the bin. sigh... i tried to picture how my LITTLE manicure scissors could bring down an aircraft, maybe running up the isle yelling something like "heads down, i have cuticle scissors and i know how to use them!" would scare everyone so much, oh never mind, i can see now that tweezers would be much more effective. bee

 
At 6:47 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

As John Paul Jones said, "I have not yet begun to tweeze."

Here's a shot of his brows, as you can see he should have started tweezing sooner.

 
At 7:12 AM, Blogger golfwidow said...

You terrorist you. Plotting to pluck everyone to death.

 
At 7:14 AM, Anonymous ThatGuy said...

At least the pneumatic strap-on made it through safely.

 
At 7:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so soory you were subjected to such a loss. I too travell with tweezers, (and a disposable razor of my arms) and feel your pain and loss.

 
At 7:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

17 lighters...that's a lot. But there is nothing worse than having cigs but no lighter (you need to be prepared) except the horrible situation of being wasted drunk with no cigs...THE HORROR!!

 
At 7:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

didja get the security guard's phone number? or at least shoe size?

 
At 7:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank your lucky stars that most Airports have Wi-Fi hotspots! We miss you

 
At 8:07 AM, Anonymous Dallas DysFUNction said...

Thank you for not having a unibrow.

 
At 8:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The officer asked me, "Why dya have a hammer in your glove compartment and a screwdriver on the console?"

"Look, either way um getting hammered," I told him.

 
At 9:15 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

What is the world coming to when a girl's panties and tweezers are no longer safe.

I don't want to live in a world where eyebrows are allowed to roam free.

 
At 9:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can empathise; the first thing I did when I got to Vegas was get a brow wax - wish I hadn't - spent the whole week looking surprised.

Puss

 
At 9:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The right tweezer is an absolute must. I agree. They DO have the power to change the world.

Now, what threat did your panties present?

 
At 9:39 AM, Anonymous Slick said...

you had to be licensed and everything? Your tweezers come with an electrical cord I bet.

 
At 10:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

TSA thinks that you'll start plucking hairs. That's why they took them away from you.

 
At 10:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

TSA thinks that you'll start plucking hairs. That's why they took them away from you.

 
At 10:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

FYI. Linked you to my site. Hadn't before. And I mention you in latest post. H.N.Y.'07.

 
At 11:27 AM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

Oh, sister, I feel you. I truly, truly do.

Back when I was flight attending and the whole 9/11 security craziness hit, I had to buy a pair of tweezers in every city and stash them behind the ticket counter.

The gate agents all thought I was nuts when I'd drop off or pick up my tweezers, but at least I was well groomed.

 
At 11:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Transportation Security Administration confiscates 30,000 lighters per day.

 
At 11:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mist. Lucky you didn't have to go through the cavity search thing. saw a show this morning on the crime channel showing that it is becoming very common in the US. This poor woman in Chicago, twice had to bend over and grab the ankles. while that may be a fun position for you, it isn't if your in a public airport.

 
At 12:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey - Are you in Atlanta?


If so, I'm off from work on Tuesday and Wed - jalicook@hotmail -or 678-698-4888 - I want to go to lunch or dinner or drink liquor.

Oh - do you have money to pay for us? (heh-heh-heh)

I live in Riverdale and have a local place I like.

Please edit my info out before you publish - thanks.

 
At 12:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tweezerman is my soulmate.

 
At 12:49 PM, Blogger Babs said...

I like the homeless idea. Who wants to buy second-hand tweezers? Tweezers are very personal. Next time, hide them in your underwear.

 
At 12:50 PM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

It's early in the morning so forgive me if I've already made the comment, but opening up my browser to your blog I'm reminded that your sister had 17 lighters in her purse. That is insane.

 
At 12:54 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

fringes,

I can't tell you how hard it's been on me to not be able to catch up on all my favorite blogs.

lee,

If you see mine, please buy them back for me. They were lucky.

hearts,

I didn't think about the contamination factor. Now I'm just creeped out.

michael,

I wish I had a card. Can you scan it and email it to me? I want a fake heart valve ID.

cp,

I think dark circles under my eyes are very chic. They make me look gaunt. Gaunt is in.

natalia,

There's no way that people can sleep when I'm talking. I'm very animated.

andrea,

What is Zircon? Is that a planet?

james,

Don't pluck back hair. Rub your back on a tree like a bear.

sqt,

I only know one place that does that and everytime I'm in the area, I don't need any work done. I'm dying to be threaded.

odat,

Do you think I should sue?

av,

Who still wears liquid deoderant? Actually, I am impressed with your knowledge of deoderant. You are more put together than you have led me to believe.

dorky,

Not the nostril hairs! No wonder they took the tweezers from me.

0,

Please send a driver to the airport.

bice,

I auditioned for a commerical a few years ago. They chose to go with the ape.

fab,

I can't see my back. Is it hairy?

romerican,

I don't think anyone would try to take me down with tweezers, I think they would line up and tip me for my services.

wg,

Talking to me like that will only lead to trouble.

michael,

I may have my next pair of tweezers custom built.

nwjr,

RIP, Jim Henson.

chick,

Do they use lube? Because they confiscated mine.

Thanks for coming by.

maiden,

They were orange and adorable. They were not clean. He did not put them in the bin.

meg,

Comments like that are the reason that you are one of my favorite people.

bee,

I am afraid of cuticle scissors. My cuticles are the only thing keeping germs out of my body. No one touches them. I wish I could grow a giant cuticle all over.

furious,

I don't have that much hair anywhere on my body.

golf,

How did you know about my evil plot? Who do you work for?

thatguy,

I shipped that in advance. I didn't want anything to happen.

margaret,

Tell me about the arm hair. I think I'd like to see a picture. Thanks.

aisby,

Never drink without cigarettes or without people with cigarettes.

yasamin,

I wasn't thinking. I was too upset at my loss.

mayren,

I miss the internet too.

dallas,

Don't mention it.

matt,

Is there a two drink minimum for your show?

britt,

I don't want to go on either.

puss,

I like the element of surprise.

lex,

But what about the left tweezer?

slick,

I do have an electic tweezer. Seriously.

nolff,

Someone must have tipped them off.

pawlie,

I'll have to check you out while I have internet! Thanks for the link.

123,

I think I'm experiencing some sort of warm fuzzy feeling toward you right now.

matt,

Maybe the 17 from my sister wasn't that significant then. Thanks for putting that in perspective.

stan,

I look forward to the cavity search.

lux,

Tweezerman is my baby daddy.

 
At 12:55 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

babs,

I was already hiding something else in my underwear.

orhan,

It's a pretty big purse.

 
At 1:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Girl, I am SO there with you with the tweezers. I'm an every day plucker. I will tweeze others if they ask. I have tweezers everywhere...purse, car, bag (usually carried with purse but hey! they could get seperated), house (multiple pairs, duh) and I make my boyfriend carry one too. :) Tweeze on sister!

 
At 1:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I currently have two pairs of tweezers in my purse...luckily the last time I flew I remembered to take them out, but forgot to remove the lighter...and had to put all my lil lip glosses and concealer in a plastic bag...glad I didn't have panties in there that time lol

 
At 2:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Damn, i forgot. What time am i supposed to pick you up from the airport again?

 
At 5:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know what you mean about the tweezers. For me, it's nail clippers. I can't be anywhere without a pair in my purse. My toe nails always look great.

 
At 7:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I bought your tweezers on ebay this morning! Oh...the panties too!

 
At 8:02 PM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

Yeah, I hear that a lot. It just confirms that you have good taste.

 
At 8:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, the joys and pain of tweezers. Your mom is wise. Welcome home.

 
At 8:51 PM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

I love tweezers too ... oh, and mirrors....

 
At 10:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

well, thank god they didn't take your floss! I mean, technically, you COULD strangle someone with it; right?

 
At 10:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My wife is convinced that our tweezers are reproducing.

When I smoked, my lighters started reproducing.

 
At 10:57 PM, Blogger Jack's Shack said...

17 lighters- that is a lot of cigarettes.

 
At 11:44 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

beth,

Your boyfriend is a good man. Look out for b*tches like me.

megs,

Heads would roll if my lip gloss was confiscated.

kiyotoe,

I took MARTA. You only like me for my gaming system.

saf,

Do you want to join my Mist's toes flickr group?

nihilistic,

Now what are the homeless going to do?

123,

I feel so validated.

olives,

Mom deserves a Nobel prize.

icl,

I love mirrors too. Some days.

miztris,

I am way more dangerous with my floss than my tweezers.

crank,

I'd like to buy a litter of both from you.

jack,

In her defense, she rolls her own.

 
At 5:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

They took my new bottle of conditioner...the TSA man told me that they throw it all away. What a waste.

 
At 5:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

They took my new bottle of conditioner...the TSA man told me that they throw it all away. What a waste.

 
At 8:10 AM, Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

About ten years or so ago, I hosted some cousins of my dad for brunch. My mom proceeded to embarrass me in front of these distant (and sophisticated, world travelled cousins) by telling all a total nonsequitir of how she prefers to pluck her nannygoat chin hairs in the car, as there's no finer light for plucking than daylight, and the rearview mirror is so conveniently close.

And here I am. Age: 38. And I am an obsessive plucker. My eyebrows are neat, and not overplucked, yet, I am forever... FOREVER on chinhair and mustache patrol. I grimace everytime I feel even the slightest bud of a whisker coming up.

I keep ultra pointy tweezers in my luggage, at home, and a pair in my purse, so I can pluck at will when the urgency arises.

 
At 9:31 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

claudia,

I may raid the dumpster at the airport.

maven,

I agree with your mother. The car is the best place to tweeze.

 
At 10:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My uncle owns the company that buys unclaimed baggage from airlines. He makes insane amounts of money out of it.

Fucker.

 
At 5:35 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

k.leigh,

I need to talk to your uncle. I know it's been two years, but I am not quite over that bag that went to Florida.

 
At 6:28 PM, Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I seem to remember that Robert Fulghum (All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten) made up stories to tell the poor bastard in the seat next to him on planes, too. Once he told the guy that he was a brain surgeon. They had a unique conversation because the guy seated next to Fulghum really was a brain surgeon.

 
At 7:01 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nick,

I'm always afraid that's going to happen to me.

 
At 2:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sad to say I've never learned the art of eyebrow tweezing. Looks like that's another thing I need to learn from you, in addition to driving.

 
At 3:37 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

lizza,

You have come to the right person. I am here to help.

 
At 11:29 PM, Blogger melanie said...

hm... I only tweeze the visible hairs. I dont like pain that much.

the homeless tweezing? wouldnt that make them eligible for work in a salon? heh.

 
At 12:16 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

melanie,

I only pluck or wax visible hairs too. I guess a lot of me is visible.

 
At 5:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought the dragon was picking you up from the airport! He's had a unibrow for almost two weeks now....where are your new tweezers?!!

 
At 6:30 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

couselor,

He's a tough guy to track down. I was standing out there like, "excuse me, but have you seen The Dragon?" I got a lot of strange looks.

 

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