To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Ketchup


I really like condiments.

I don't have any food in the house, but I have condiments from all over the globe. If I can't read the label, I buy it. I have chili garlic sauce, wasabi salad dressing, butter-like spread, and something that resembles garlic Vasoline.

When I am hungry, I open the fridge and look at all the little bottles. Then I imagine the foods I would pair with each condiment. Sometimes, I will have a baby carrot dipped in mustard, but only if I feel like cooking. Usually, I close the fridge and go out to dinner.

I love restaurants that generously supply condiments on the table. Like Waffle House. I try to use some of everything. Sometimes, I worry that my over-use of condiments will make the prices on the menu increase, but I cannot control myself.

Last night, I had dinner in a bar. I ordered hummus because I consider hummus to be a condiment. The man sitting next to me engaged me in a lengthy discussion about how he had never had hummus. I didn't offer him any. He also had never eaten sushi, oysters, fish tacos, or anything else that had ever lived in water. I didn't tell him that hummus isn't an aquatic animal.

I finished my beer and the man ordered me another. Maybe he wasn't so bad, afterall. "Thanks," I said. "I'm Mist. I didn't catch your name."

He stuck out his hand. "Dijon."

"Dijon? Like the mustard?"

"No, D'Jon."

I excused myself before I could make any inappropriate condom-mints jokes.

Mist 1


59 Comments:

At 8:54 PM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

I was going to try a new recipe which uses dijon in the sauce.

Having read this, I'm not nearly as excited about it as I was....

 
At 9:18 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

pissy,

I make that carrot/dijon dish all the time. Best when served in front of the open fridge.

 
At 9:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're the 1st case of condim-fetish I came across :)
I loved the Dijon tongue slip... fascinating!
Marie

 
At 9:25 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

owl,

The door of my fridge is so heavy. The rest of the space is dedicated to olives, pickles, beets, kimchi, and other pickled products. No pickled eggs. No pickled pigs feet.

 
At 9:56 PM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

I imagine you slamming that free beer really fast before beating a path to the door, however...

 
At 10:23 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

De jon is de second daw tuh the left.

 
At 12:19 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I know what you mean about the condiments. I love hot, spicy mustards, salsas, that kind of thing.

Just had some tonight, in fact.

 
At 12:30 AM, Blogger othur-me said...

I have a great recipe for Cold Dijonaisse & Oyster Sauce Soup with Marinated Arichoke Hearts if you want it.

 
At 12:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're the first condiment collector that I've come across. Please don't tell me you steal those bottles from restaurant tables!

 
At 1:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This guy was obviously a total loser and not afraid to advertise.

 
At 2:16 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

He bought you beer?

Sounds like marriage material to me...

Puss

 
At 2:18 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

I make an effort to.. wait, what? Fish tacos?! No freakin' way.. collect every mustard they allow into the country. I'm a condiment junkie. I have three different types of BBQ sauce, three types of chili, atleast seven jars of mustard and a truck load of tomato sauce (ketchup).

But serious, wtf?! Fish tacos!

 
At 3:35 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

Too bad D'Jon didn't tell you his last name... like French's or Hellman's. That would have been great.

And thanks for no pickled eggs or pigs feet. I think I threw up a little in my mouth just by reading it.

 
At 4:42 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

Why don't you introduce yourself as Minegar? That way men would know you were hygienic? Just sayin'

 
At 4:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

condom mints.. did you read melon's post about that?

 
At 4:55 AM, Blogger Darlene said...

God Bless condiments.


amen

 
At 5:03 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

jocelyn,

Maybe I stayed to find out if he was honey or spicy...

hearts,

That's the men's room.

lbb,

I especially love cute little bottles.

othur,

I can only cook things that don't need to be cooked.

lizza,

I have been tempted. The Vietnamese restaurant that I love sells me bottles of fish sauce, because I have threatened to steal it.

shadow,

Losers are never afraid to advertise.

puss,

I think I'm the one that's not marriage material.

orhan,

That is the most passionate response to fish tacos ever.

wg,

I like pickled foods, but I have to draw a line somewhere.

maiden,

A girl just never talks about vinegar on the first date. Not even salad dressing.

skittles,

That's the link.

darlene,

I second that.

 
At 5:46 AM, Blogger Kelley said...

Ooooh, I love condiments, too. Especially when they come individually packaged, like those tiny little jars of jam they bring with room service.

I have also had a random bar stranger strike-up a conversation about hummus. What is up with that? Is it an (ill-advised) tip in some self-help dating book, or something?

 
At 5:47 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Groan.

 
At 5:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Found you through webmiztris. I love condiments too. I'll open the fridge and have some salad olives,
or bacon bits (if that qualifies as condiments). Love catsup & mustard on most foods also.
Your a funny gal.

 
At 6:38 AM, Blogger Natalia said...

My students have all sorts of interesting names. In one class I had two students...last names: Boob and Beaver. And they sat next to each other. Also: Justin Time. No joke.

-N

 
At 6:42 AM, Blogger C said...

That's quite a name. Wonder if it was a shortened version of Don Juan - D'Jon. Poor guy. At least is name was not Gre P'Pon - get it Grey Poupon. haha

 
At 6:50 AM, Blogger James Burnett said...

Mmmmm, garlic-flavored vaseline.

This isn't a name that sounds like a condiment, but talk about names that inspire jokes (think Martin Lawrence) - I once met a woman whose name really was Chez Ne Ne.

I didn't know what to say to her. So I waved a buddy over to join the conversation to ensure that I didn't blurt out something stupid.

 
At 6:51 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

I can relate sort of. I have like 10 different kinds of mustard in the fridge. Maybe I'm not so weird after all.

 
At 7:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hummus is great. I think I might be solely responsible for the rising prices at Disneyland. In their new orleans area they have ketchup type packets of tabasco. I haven't been there yet without completely filling a gallon ziploc bag...sorry.

 
At 7:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I never knew you were such an excellent chef!

 
At 7:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Adrian's uncle once put ketchup, mustard and steak sauce bottles in his pocket after having breakfast. He really felt like nothing was wrong or strange about that.

 
At 8:04 AM, Blogger S. A. F. said...

I actually don't put condiments on amything. But still, when I am at a restaurant of a hotel and they bring me the small little condiments jars of mayo or what have you, I can't help but pocket them, and watch them slowly expire in my fridge.

But...I do love hummus!

 
At 8:33 AM, Anonymous Kristyn said...

Yesterday when I cleaned out my fridge before getting groceries, the only things left in there were a bottle of ketchup, some soy sauce, and a jar of applesauce. My poor husband kept opening the fridge and looking inside pathetically. I finally bought grocieries when he threatened to put the ketchup and soy sauce on the applesauce. He must have been starving.

 
At 8:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Garlic Vasoline. I can't imagine eating anything smeared with that....

 
At 9:22 AM, Anonymous Dallas DysFUNction said...

OMG I love WAFFLE house... all you can eat bacon.. mmmmmmm and toothless waitresses make the best servers. They are so genuine...

 
At 9:38 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kelley,

Attention men: Kelley and I have spoken. The hummus line doesn't work.

av,

I didn't make a single part of this one up.

polyman,

Bacon Bits count as the entree.

Thanks for coming by.

natalia,

I had a friend named Kristin Case as a kid. When her mom was pregnant, I was hoping she's have a boy and name him Justin.

c,

Grey is a sexy name. Poupon is not.

james,

Tell me she was from another country. Please.

nolff,

I've been reading your blog for awhile. You're not strange. Not even a little bit.

michael,

Chik-fil-A has packets of Texas Pete. I always think about stuffing my purse with them.

0,

I have many hidden talents.

jali,

Was it at your house? Because that's wrong. At a restaurant, it's only frowned upon to take the silverwear.

s.a.f.,

You don't use condiments? Okay, that's weird.

kristyn,

I have furry applesauce in my fridge. I can't throw it out because I'm starting a new life form in there.

matt,

Damn. There goes my plans to hit on you.

dallas,

I have been going to the same Waffle House for years. They treat me like family.

 
At 9:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How cool would it be to be named after mustard?

It would be cats meow cool...hat's how cool. ;)

Steve~

 
At 10:24 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

steven,

What were my parent's thinking?

 
At 10:38 AM, Anonymous ThatGuy said...

I got hungry once, so I had a scotch and soda until the feeling went away.

 
At 11:00 AM, Blogger Tug said...

I've got hot sauces & mustards that have moved 3 states with me. Maybe I'll clean out my fridge this weekend...

 
At 11:14 AM, Blogger Deezee said...

You won me over with 'something that resembles garlic Vasoline'

that's just too funny...

 
At 11:38 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

One time in college, we sent an order of scattered, smother, covered and chunked to a table of ladies. Smooth, I know.

 
At 11:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmmm. we must be the offspring of a celebrity with a el retardo name like that. ;D

 
At 12:37 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Sometimes Mist - your post just leave me speachless. Or typeless. How does someone actually write a post about condiments? I'd love to see the inside of your fridge by the way...I bet that alone would explain quite a few things :)

 
At 1:46 PM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

Mist baby, you've been tagged. Go on my site for rules.

 
At 1:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Condiments are good, except ketchup of course. The husband routinely steals packs of ketchup from fast-food places becauses I refuse to have that foul-smelling clotted-bloodlike condiment in my fridge with all the good stuff like mustards and olives.

 
At 2:11 PM, Blogger NWJR said...

I had a condom-mint joke all ready to go until you screwed me up with the last paragraph.

I hate you.

 
At 2:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If he knew how much you liked condiments, I bet he would've agreed to dijon!

 
At 3:49 PM, Blogger James Burnett said...

i regret to inform you she was not from another country.

 
At 4:32 PM, Blogger Karmyn R said...

That reminds me of an old joke.

Mama Tomato, Papa Tomato and Baby tomato were taking a walk one day. Baby tomato kept lagging behind. Finally, Papa Tomato couldn't take it anymore so he turned around and stomped his foot and yelled, "Catch-up".

gets me every time.

 
At 4:47 PM, Blogger fringes said...

Where do you hang out that you keep meeting these conversating men trying to orientate you to their misplaced apostrophetic names?

 
At 5:00 PM, Blogger Jay said...

You showed admirable restraint, my girl. Good for you.

 
At 5:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This story really cuts the mustard.

 
At 6:00 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

thatguy,

That works with vodka too.

tug,

They're just seasoned now.

deezee,

Here was my thought in the grocery store: "Hey, I could make garlic bread!" Of course, I didn't have any bread.

furious,

I can never remember what all those things mean. I have to look at the legend on the menu. Otherwise I order them splattered and tattered.

Thanks for coming by.

miztris,

I should have asked.

meg,

I write about what I know. I know condiments.

maiden,

Answers are in your comments. My blog remains meme-free.

aisby,

Did something happen to you when you were a child to make you hate ketchup?

nwjr,

Don't hate me because I am well informed about latex products.

claudia,

I never dijon on a first date. Well, almost never.

james,

I sort of figured. D'Jon wasn't foreign either.

karmyn,

I don't get it.

fringes,

Apostrophes are hot.

jay,

I am growing up.

vince,

Is that good or bad?

 
At 6:17 PM, Blogger fringes said...

I must say you're the only blogger I know who gets 50+ comments on a post about ketchup. You must be unemployed by choice not by lack of magnetized marketing skills.

 
At 6:20 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

fringes,

The people love ketchup.

I am unemployed because I don't want to waste the best years of my life in front of a computer. Wait. In front of a computer for someone else. Yeah.

 
At 6:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This made me laugh. My best friend is utterly ADDICTED to condiments. It's damn near a sickness. So funny :)

 
At 6:54 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

chris,

Once, I had a dietician who tried to restrict my condiment intake. I almost needed group therapy.

 
At 9:34 PM, Anonymous Alison said...

I didn't read through my blogroll yesterday (or today, really), so I am way late in reading this.

The condom-mints remind me of my cousin's ex-wife, who was helping my mother at a family reunion. She told my mom, "I'll just put the condoms on the table." I wasn't there, but I guess my mom held it together until the cousin's (ex) wife was out of earshot.

 
At 5:23 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Really? I always assume that at least half of every post is supplemented with humor.

 
At 10:59 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

alison,

I've been to a wedding like that.

av,

Some days, I'm just not funny. Then, I tell the truth.

 
At 7:01 AM, Blogger honkeie2 said...

I love to eat Dijon by itself....the mustard not the non fish eating dude

 
At 7:55 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

honk,

Try it on a baby carrot.

 

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