To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Friday, December 01, 2006

A Sign


I grew up Catholic. I liked the part of the service when Father Szleszinski would say in his nasal voice, "Johnny, go get me a biscuit." And we would all reply, "And go get me one too." I never understood what that was all about, but it was fun to say. I always wanted to know who Johnny was.

I haven't been to church in a long time. It's been almost six years since my last Confession.

Almost daily, a random stranger will look at me quizzically and solemnly swear, "I'm gonna pray for you." So, I really don't see the need to go and pray for myself. Everyone else has it covered.

When I moved to the South, people always invited me to go to church with them. I would politely decline because I didn't want them to see me burst into flames when we walked through the doors. Also, I refuse to go to a church with a jumbo-tron larger than the one at the stadium.

Once, I was almost seduced by a sign outside a church that read, "Jesus doesn't care if you wear jeans." There's a church I could attend, I thought. Then I looked at my slutty jeans. I am uncomfortable around children in my indecent jeans; I don't want Jesus to see me in them.

Yesterday, I ran out of gas. At a church.

I have never run out of gas before. I have had every imaginable car trouble. I've had three flat tires in a week. A snake crawled under my hood and cooked to death. I've rolled a vehicle down the side of a mountain (with a recalled seat belt). But, this was the first time that I've run out of gas.

I am taking this as a sign.

I've got to get that gas light checked.

Mist 1


83 Comments:

At 8:25 PM, Blogger James Burnett said...

Ha! Heathen. Kidding. That is pretty crazy, running out of gas at a church. My moms would definitely call that an "act of God."

 
At 8:29 PM, Blogger The Assimilated Negro said...

a girl who wears slutty jeans, and passes gas with fervor ... what more can a man ask for?

you don't need to check the gaslight, just buy some more beans.

now I understand the mist nickname.

 
At 8:51 PM, Blogger Nihilistic said...

I blame you that I have Ace of base running through my head...Ughhhh

 
At 8:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The sign you really needed says "Exxon".

So, did anyone from the church check - er, um, help you out?

 
At 8:55 PM, Blogger Tug said...

When my gas light comes on it dings too...insanely. Insanely gets my attention - it's what I know.

 
At 9:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol,

Gotta get that light checked. nah I wouldnt take that as a sign. A SIGN would be if you rolled your car down the mountain after three flat tires caused by a snake crawling into the engine and biting the parts off your car....THEN if you landed in front of the church THAT may be considered a sign.

BD

 
At 9:39 PM, Blogger Doug said...

WHOA!!!

 
At 9:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Was there something good on NASCAR on the Jumbo-tron at least? And do they serve dirty martinis there?

 
At 10:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, get the gas light checked...the others can pray for you while you drink to their health!! :)

 
At 10:36 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

james,

I wish G*d would lower the gas prices. Then my cheap a$$ wouldn't have been running on E.

tan,

No one has ever understood me the way that you do. People just think I'm adjusting myself when I tilt to side a little bit when I'm driving. You know what's really up.

nihilistic,

I saw it too.

kev,

I asked them not to tow me. The secretary was holding for Jesus so she just waved me off.

tug,

Dinging would have saved my dingy self.

donk,

That's almost exactly what happened. What do you think it means?

The end is nigh.

doug,

I don't know what kind of church you go to, but around here, we say "Amen."

0,

They served wine and tiny little crackers. You're not a Catholic, are you?

claudia,

I prefer to toast to their health and my wealth.

 
At 11:36 PM, Blogger M said...

Back when I did it, I used to lie in confession.

 
At 1:19 AM, Blogger spoon said...

God's just toying with you...
Bet the slutty jeans helped in getting to the gas station though!

 
At 1:38 AM, Blogger Jester said...

This reminds me of the best sign I ever saw in front of a local church...

It read:

"The best position from which to see God is on your knees."

I seriously sat at that stop sign for ten minutes with a case of hysterical giggles.

 
At 2:49 AM, Blogger Killer said...

I think if Jesus really loved you he would not have let you run out of gas to begin with.

 
At 3:20 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

Well, look on the bright side... you're way less likely to be shot for knocking on a church door than you are at, say, a random house in the middle of north Georgia. On the down side, you're just as likely to disappear. I prevent this from happening by filling up every chance I get. The gas stations are getting sick of my $1.17 fill ups, but I don't care. Beats disappearing at a church.

 
At 3:24 AM, Blogger Umar Pirzada said...

God works in His mysterious ways...

 
At 3:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What happened to the ministry of BLING?

 
At 3:41 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

I swear, you turn Christian and the marriage is over! Over I tells 'ya!

 
At 4:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

church... Yeah, I think I've read about that somewhere.

 
At 4:32 AM, Blogger Nattie said...

Oh my, think I'll go fill up my tank after work, just in case!!!

 
At 4:52 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

Go to one of those traditional churches that has a stained glass picture of Jesus. Wear a toga and sandals. If they try to kick you out, point to the stained glass and say, "It's OK for HIM!"

Let me know how that works out for you.

 
At 4:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i always respect fellow heathens. i except the fact that god will judge me when i die i just wish everyone on earth would quit beating him to the punch.

good blogging...i'll link you if you dont mind

 
At 5:01 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

I'm not even christened but would hazard a guess that Jesus doesn't care what you wear as long as he can cop a look at your arse - he is a bloke after all.

Puss

 
At 5:57 AM, Blogger Kelley said...

I married a former Catholic. What is the deal with drinking the blood of Christ? That is just so unappetizing. And what do they serve, anyway? Tastes like Jesus was made of Franzia.

 
At 5:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now if the sign said "Jesus prefers you to wear jeans", I'd attend that church! ;)

Incidentally, if your last confession was six years ago, you're now at that point where the length of any confession you give will be as long as the amount of time since your last one.

I was raised Catholic and haven't been to confession in about 25 years. Even if I wanted to go, I'd be well into my later years when I finally finished confessing. I'm screwed.

 
At 6:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, I haven't been to church in forever either. I thought about going back for awhile but those Southern Baptists are waaaayyy strict. I'd probably have to give up drinking.

 
At 6:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

We were some giggly "Johnnies" drinking the unblessed wine behind the alter at St. Paul's church as Father Indictme prepared parisioners to receive the Lord.... It was all so damn funny....

 
At 7:05 AM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

My gas light stays on all the time.

So much for "German engineering"....

 
At 7:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll pray for ya mist!
Peace

 
At 7:25 AM, Blogger J R Estelle said...

When I moved to Georiga I got asked to go to church all the time. I don't like going into churches (unless it's like the Sistine Chapel, but Im there for the ART). Churches make me incredibly nervous and always have.

 
At 7:40 AM, Anonymous Dallas DysFUNction said...

Would you like to join back-slidden heathens anonymous? I'm not only a memeber but I'm also the President. ps... I love the Wiggles. Don't you?

 
At 7:40 AM, Blogger STAK said...

in the name of the Father,the Son and the holy toast.........salud!!!!...........

 
At 7:42 AM, Blogger fringes said...

When the comment cannot be as humorous as the post, I must bow down to the post. I shall exit the booth quietly.

 
At 7:42 AM, Blogger fringes said...

When the comment cannot be as humorous as the post, I must bow down to the post. I shall exit the booth quietly.

 
At 7:48 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

m,

You must be really short. There's not enough room in there for me to lie down.

Thanks for coming by.

spoon,

I didn't walk to the gas station. I will not be seen in those jeans and heels with a big red gas can. I called someone, of course.

jester,

In that case, I've seen G*d.

Thanks for coming by.

killer,

Am thinking about converting to something else. I need a religion where my G*d won't let me run out of gas.

wg,

$1.17? That's the cost of fumes.

umar,

Amen.

shadow,

It wasn't my thing. I get nervous when I have to walk through metal detectors.

orhan,

I love it when you get angry. That vein in your temple is so sexy when it bulges out like that.

choo,

Reading about it is almost as good as going.

nattie,

You should probably leave work early, just in case. Tell the boss that it's some kind of religious obligation.

nwjr,

It's not sandal season. I'll let you know how it works out in the spring.

shoes,

Do you know how it makes my day to have a comment from "shoes." I feel like this is a sign from G*d that I need to go shopping.

Thanks for coming by.

puss,

When we go to hell, do you think that we'll still be separated by an ocean? Or will we finally get to hang out?

kelley,

I thought it was Ernest & Gallo.

dan,

I wish that I had been blogging for the past six years. I could just send the Father the link with a note that read, "This just about sums it up."

karma,

No one can make you give up drinking. They can make you cleverly hide it though.

matt,

So, did you ever recieve the L*rd from Father Indictme?

pissy,

Put a piece of electrical tape over it, you'll never know it's on. I turn my stereo up really loud so that I don't know that it's time to have my breaks done.

jr,

I've done a lot of things for ART that I'm not proud of.

 
At 7:51 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

dallas,

I'm not drinking any damn Kool-Aid.

stak,

Can I go to your church? It sounds like fun.

fringes,

Bless you my child.

 
At 7:57 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

We can hang out in the ocean of everlasting hellfire if you like.

Puss

 
At 8:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Will you change your mind about confession if the priest is one hot dude? Oh, wait. Catholic priests aren't supposed to have sex.

 
At 8:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

sure, Jesus doesn't care if you wear jeans, but the rest of the parishioners look at you like you're the spawn of Satan when you do it!

 
At 8:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mist1,

It is better to give L*rd than to receive it.

 
At 9:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a fellow catholic raised guilt ridden person, I can tell you to be careful and heed the sign: get to the mechanic and always carry a small gas container in your vehicle...

 
At 9:24 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Its a sign alright,,,,start praying before you run out of gas - you just might make it to the station then.

have a great weekend!

 
At 10:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jesus doesn't care if you wear jeans?!

FUCK!!!!

I've been wearing these things for years just to piss him off! ;)

Steve~

 
At 11:20 AM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

Wasn't Jesus' loincloth, as he was crucified, just a predecessor to your slutty jeans? It's all a continuum. (nice post, btw--my first time here, but I'll be back!)

 
At 11:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I must hear more about this rolling down the mountain!

I, too, was raised Catholic and my mother still calls me every so often to remind me that only heathens don't go to church anymore. I know plenty of heathens AT church, trust me.

When my boyfriend and I moved in together, my mother's parting words, as she and my father helped carry in the bed were, "You know, you're living in sin." Which I promptly replied, "Every night Mom! Byeeee!!!"

 
At 1:17 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

I think I'm going to like that place. You make it sound so nice.

lizza,

At least not with girls.

miztris,

Boy, my mom would have some explaining to do to Dad. All this time, he thought I was his kid.

matt,

Amen. Wait...no, I am fond of receiving.

michael,

I think I skipped that part in Sunday school. Is that in the New Testament?

meg,

I should have prayed, but I was too busy cursing.

steven,

You've wasted your time.

jocelyn,

I like that continuum thing. I think I'll explain that to G*d the next time I pray for something.

Thanks for coming by.

beth,

Maybe I'll write about rolling down the mountain.

 
At 1:52 PM, Blogger C said...

Jesus can see you anywhere...even in the shower.

 
At 1:54 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

c,

And that is why I shower so rarely. This isn't a peep show.

 
At 2:57 PM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

I feel you, sometimes just thinking about going to church gives me a headache.

Damn, is that a sign?

 
At 4:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

STAY AWAY FROM THE LIGHT!

 
At 4:54 PM, Blogger mutleythedog said...

Like - so what? I ran over a puddle - and splashed a Vicar - what shouldI make of that ?

 
At 5:20 PM, Blogger Steph said...

I told you before, you's going straight to hell.
I'll meet ya down there, I'll have the drinks waiting.

 
At 6:28 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

kiyotoe,

I get sexual tension headaches, but the church has never been a source of those.

lee,

Sage advice.

mutley,

I wish I lived some place where we used the word vicar. Splash the vicar sounds like a sexual position to me.

steph,

What if there are no ice makers in hell?

 
At 6:39 PM, Blogger Karmyn R said...

I am not Catholic, so have no clue have no idea what Johnny you are talking about. Which Priest was this again? One of those naughty ones???

 
At 6:54 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

karmyn,

I think that's what he said. It might not have been exactly that.

 
At 7:00 PM, Blogger Ranger Tom said...

I was raised Irish Catholic... I always though he was saying "Dominic go get some, I can get if for you wholesale..."

Anyway, I've been in Catholics Anonymous for over 20 years now and have been guilt free for over ten... One day at a time!

 
At 7:12 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

When I lived in NC and TN, everyone was after my hot little soul: The Baptists, the Nom meoho's, the Southern Methodists, the Snake Handlers, the talk-in-tonguers, the disenfranchised and even the devil worshipers. I was very popular.

I bootlegged Catholic church during my childhood because I noticed that they had a lot of Saints' Days, requiring them to leave school. And they had the best magic show in town, beautiful windows, and cool statuary.

I never took the communion wafer or drank the blood because I thought I'd be struck dead (and my parents would kill me,) but I never heard the priest say "Johnny, get me a biscuit." Please explain.

 
At 10:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Once, I was almost seduced by a sign outside a church that read, "Jesus doesn't care if you wear jeans."
I always thought religion lacked humour (this is obviously not your case)
It seems things are a-changing :)
Marie

PS: what is a "jumbo-tron"?

 
At 10:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Once, I was almost seduced by a sign outside a church that read, "Jesus doesn't care if you wear jeans."
I always thought religion lacked humour (which is obviously not your case)
It seems things are a-changing :)
Marie

PS: what is a "jumbo-tron"?

 
At 8:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, maybe this is a sign from within you - if you think it is one - something inside you must be leading you that way...why not check it out?

 
At 10:11 AM, Blogger skinnylittleblonde said...

LOL, maybe it was a sign ... but do catholics beleive in fate? or is it all free will?
Either way too funny!
Too bad churches don't have gas, especially in the south, since churches are every 2 blocks.

 
At 11:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

A sign would be G*d coming down to stand before you, ordering you to take off your slutty jeans and to get your butt to church. Anything less than that is too vague.

 
At 3:19 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

ranger,

Maybe it was Dominic, Johnny's older brother.

hearts,

I think Ranger explained the whole Johnny part. I guess I wasn't paying attention.

nightowl,

A jumbo-tron is the largest tv screen imaginable...and then 100x that.

Thanks for coming by.

barry,

Yes, I definately will have the gas light checked.

Thanks for coming by.

slb,

It was the kind of church where you can cash your paycheck and buy liquor.

velvet,

True. I love these jeans.

 
At 4:56 PM, Anonymous Evel said...

See? Jesus is looking out for you after all.

 
At 6:39 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Ohhhh. Dominus vobiscum, or something. I remember that. Dominick vomits. And then all the people throw away their crutches and dance around because they're saved.

Oh, wait. That wasn't Catholicism. It was Generic Southern Churchism. Holy shit, I can't believe I forgot.

 
At 6:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

that's my kinda church - KIDDING :)

 
At 7:38 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

I think Dominic Vomits Cum was the first gay porn that I ever saw.

east,

All are welcome. Flip flops, short shorts, and halter tops.

 
At 9:48 PM, Blogger Poetiq Expression said...

BE AFRAID... BE VERY AFRAID!
lol

 
At 12:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm also Catholic. Its been soooo long since I have been to confession. I fear the booth would spontaneously combust if I went.

 
At 6:13 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

And that, my dear, is exactly what Jesus would do!

I refer to WWJD regularly.

Helps me deal with the reality and horror of this world.

Why just yesterday I went to see Casino Royale and was just horrified by the amount of violence at the beginning of the movie. I really wasn't enjoying it and felt like walking out but I knew this would be a bad move on behalf of my 'date' with hubby.

So I asked WWJD and he said, "close your eyes". It worked and I didn't need to keep them closed for long. After that I really enjoyed the movie. Daniel Craig ....rarrrrr!

 
At 9:47 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

poetiq,

I am shaking in my satin Valentino heels.

csb,

It's as though by not going to confession you are saving the lives of others. Which really is an act worthy of sainthood.

icl,

I've always wondered what J.C. would do in a movie theater.

 
At 12:50 PM, Blogger Darlene said...

Aside from the savior himself walking out of the church and dragging you into the church, I don't think you could have gotten a bigger sign...

 
At 3:48 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

darlene,

I would be more persuaded if the Savior himself walked down to the gas station and came back with a tank of gas. Or better yet, turned water into gas.

 
At 4:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was raised Catholic too. Painful. Mass every Sunday until I turned 18. It haunts you.

 
At 6:25 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

chris,

I recommend keeping a full gas tank. You don't want to end up where I was.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 7:45 PM, Blogger BionicBuddha said...

I always enjoy your writing and great sense of humour. Running out of gas outside the church is only slightly better than having gas inside the church ;).

 
At 9:34 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

bionic,

Amen. Jesus smells all. Even the silent but deadlies.

 
At 12:56 AM, Blogger othur-me said...

I think you should have the gauge in your car changed to read "You have run out of God".

 
At 12:58 AM, Blogger othur-me said...

Additionally, I think you should take it as a sign that my word verification just asked me to type in "MSTIZGOIN2HLL"

 
At 7:03 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

othur,

I will see what customizing my dashboard will cost. As for the word verification, is that Latin?

 
At 2:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe your car needs to go to church.

 
At 4:49 PM, Blogger melanie said...

giggles. gas and church. It goes together really. if it was a baptist church...

 
At 7:18 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

bird,

I hope that's not going to be expensive.

melanie,

Maybe I'm Baptist.

 

Post a Comment

"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut

ABOUT ME
ABOUT ME
Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA

Yes, it is about me. Thanks for noticing.

BLOGROLL

123 Valerie Strikes Again
A Day in the Life
A Day in the Wind
Ali Thinks
Allan Thinks
Animal Mind
A View From The Watter's Edge
Avitable
BNR - Blog Name Removed
Briliant Donkey
Burnett's Urban Etiquette
Burt Reynolds' Mustache
c-writing
Cardiac Fantasies
Carnival of the Mundane
Curiosity Killer
Dallas Dysfunction
Dan's Blah Blah Blog
Disgruntled Workforce
DKY Bar and Grill
Exorcise My Devils
Fantasy and Sci-Fi Lovin' Blog
Fresh Air Lover
Guilty With An Explanation
How to go Insane
I Am Woman, See Me Blog!
Intelligent Humor
It's Go Time!
It's No Picknick!
Jester Tunes
Jen (and Andrew)
Just Tug
Karlababble
Ketchup With My Fries, Please
Liner Notes
Little White Liar
Maiden New York
Mayren Abashed
Meloncutter Musings
Mindy Does Minneapolis
Miss Britt
Much Ado about sumthin!
Muffin 53
Pointless Banter
Pointless Drivel
Q's Corner
Random Moments
Roadtrip
Sanity Optional
Single Life As I Know It
Secret Suburban Misfit
Southern Circle of Hell
Studio-Twenty-Three
The Assimilated Negro
The Death of Retail Price
The Dragon: 050376
The Morning Meeting
The Post College Years
The Wonderful World of Nothing Worthwhile
Tiny Voices in My Head

NEWEST POSTS

Travel Tissue
Kiss Like A Sailor
My First Lesbian Experience
Stuff On My Mom
Squirrel Cop
Happy Thanksgiving
How Did You Get My Number?
Inmate #28472442
Cover Girl
Mishap

ARCHIVES

Credits

Header image photo by Alison.

 Subscribe in a reader

 Subscribe to comments

RFS Blog Awards Winner