A Sign
I grew up Catholic. I liked the part of the service when Father Szleszinski would say in his nasal voice, "Johnny, go get me a biscuit." And we would all reply, "And go get me one too." I never understood what that was all about, but it was fun to say. I always wanted to know who Johnny was.I haven't been to church in a long time. It's been almost six years since my last Confession.
Almost daily, a random stranger will look at me quizzically and solemnly swear, "I'm gonna pray for you." So, I really don't see the need to go and pray for myself. Everyone else has it covered.
When I moved to the South, people always invited me to go to church with them. I would politely decline because I didn't want them to see me burst into flames when we walked through the doors. Also, I refuse to go to a church with a jumbo-tron larger than the one at the stadium.
Once, I was almost seduced by a sign outside a church that read, "Jesus doesn't care if you wear jeans." There's a church I could attend, I thought. Then I looked at my slutty jeans. I am uncomfortable around children in my indecent jeans; I don't want Jesus to see me in them.
Yesterday, I ran out of gas. At a church.
I have never run out of gas before. I have had every imaginable car trouble. I've had three flat tires in a week. A snake crawled under my hood and cooked to death. I've rolled a vehicle down the side of a mountain (with a recalled seat belt). But, this was the first time that I've run out of gas.
I am taking this as a sign.
I've got to get that gas light checked.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:27 AM
78 Comments:
Ha! Heathen. Kidding. That is pretty crazy, running out of gas at a church. My moms would definitely call that an "act of God."
a girl who wears slutty jeans, and passes gas with fervor ... what more can a man ask for?
you don't need to check the gaslight, just buy some more beans.
now I understand the mist nickname.
I blame you that I have Ace of base running through my head...Ughhhh
The sign you really needed says "Exxon".
So, did anyone from the church check - er, um, help you out?
When my gas light comes on it dings too...insanely. Insanely gets my attention - it's what I know.
lol,
Gotta get that light checked. nah I wouldnt take that as a sign. A SIGN would be if you rolled your car down the mountain after three flat tires caused by a snake crawling into the engine and biting the parts off your car....THEN if you landed in front of the church THAT may be considered a sign.
BD
WHOA!!!
1
Was there something good on NASCAR on the Jumbo-tron at least? And do they serve dirty martinis there?
Yes, get the gas light checked...the others can pray for you while you drink to their health!! :)
james,
I wish G*d would lower the gas prices. Then my cheap a$$ wouldn't have been running on E.
tan,
No one has ever understood me the way that you do. People just think I'm adjusting myself when I tilt to side a little bit when I'm driving. You know what's really up.
nihilistic,
I saw it too.
kev,
I asked them not to tow me. The secretary was holding for Jesus so she just waved me off.
tug,
Dinging would have saved my dingy self.
donk,
That's almost exactly what happened. What do you think it means?
The end is nigh.
doug,
I don't know what kind of church you go to, but around here, we say "Amen."
0,
They served wine and tiny little crackers. You're not a Catholic, are you?
claudia,
I prefer to toast to their health and my wealth.
Back when I did it, I used to lie in confession.
God's just toying with you...
Bet the slutty jeans helped in getting to the gas station though!
This reminds me of the best sign I ever saw in front of a local church...
It read:
"The best position from which to see God is on your knees."
I seriously sat at that stop sign for ten minutes with a case of hysterical giggles.
I think if Jesus really loved you he would not have let you run out of gas to begin with.
Well, look on the bright side... you're way less likely to be shot for knocking on a church door than you are at, say, a random house in the middle of north Georgia. On the down side, you're just as likely to disappear. I prevent this from happening by filling up every chance I get. The gas stations are getting sick of my $1.17 fill ups, but I don't care. Beats disappearing at a church.
God works in His mysterious ways...
What happened to the ministry of BLING?
I swear, you turn Christian and the marriage is over! Over I tells 'ya!
church... Yeah, I think I've read about that somewhere.
Oh my, think I'll go fill up my tank after work, just in case!!!
Go to one of those traditional churches that has a stained glass picture of Jesus. Wear a toga and sandals. If they try to kick you out, point to the stained glass and say, "It's OK for HIM!"
Let me know how that works out for you.
i always respect fellow heathens. i except the fact that god will judge me when i die i just wish everyone on earth would quit beating him to the punch.
good blogging...i'll link you if you dont mind
I'm not even christened but would hazard a guess that Jesus doesn't care what you wear as long as he can cop a look at your arse - he is a bloke after all.
Puss
I married a former Catholic. What is the deal with drinking the blood of Christ? That is just so unappetizing. And what do they serve, anyway? Tastes like Jesus was made of Franzia.
Now if the sign said "Jesus prefers you to wear jeans", I'd attend that church! ;)
Incidentally, if your last confession was six years ago, you're now at that point where the length of any confession you give will be as long as the amount of time since your last one.
I was raised Catholic and haven't been to confession in about 25 years. Even if I wanted to go, I'd be well into my later years when I finally finished confessing. I'm screwed.
Oh, I haven't been to church in forever either. I thought about going back for awhile but those Southern Baptists are waaaayyy strict. I'd probably have to give up drinking.
We were some giggly "Johnnies" drinking the unblessed wine behind the alter at St. Paul's church as Father Indictme prepared parisioners to receive the Lord.... It was all so damn funny....
My gas light stays on all the time.
So much for "German engineering"....
I'll pray for ya mist!
Peace
When I moved to Georiga I got asked to go to church all the time. I don't like going into churches (unless it's like the Sistine Chapel, but Im there for the ART). Churches make me incredibly nervous and always have.
Would you like to join back-slidden heathens anonymous? I'm not only a memeber but I'm also the President. ps... I love the Wiggles. Don't you?
in the name of the Father,the Son and the holy toast.........salud!!!!...........
m,
You must be really short. There's not enough room in there for me to lie down.
Thanks for coming by.
spoon,
I didn't walk to the gas station. I will not be seen in those jeans and heels with a big red gas can. I called someone, of course.
jester,
In that case, I've seen G*d.
Thanks for coming by.
killer,
Am thinking about converting to something else. I need a religion where my G*d won't let me run out of gas.
wg,
$1.17? That's the cost of fumes.
umar,
Amen.
shadow,
It wasn't my thing. I get nervous when I have to walk through metal detectors.
orhan,
I love it when you get angry. That vein in your temple is so sexy when it bulges out like that.
choo,
Reading about it is almost as good as going.
nattie,
You should probably leave work early, just in case. Tell the boss that it's some kind of religious obligation.
nwjr,
It's not sandal season. I'll let you know how it works out in the spring.
shoes,
Do you know how it makes my day to have a comment from "shoes." I feel like this is a sign from G*d that I need to go shopping.
Thanks for coming by.
puss,
When we go to hell, do you think that we'll still be separated by an ocean? Or will we finally get to hang out?
kelley,
I thought it was Ernest & Gallo.
dan,
I wish that I had been blogging for the past six years. I could just send the Father the link with a note that read, "This just about sums it up."
karma,
No one can make you give up drinking. They can make you cleverly hide it though.
matt,
So, did you ever recieve the L*rd from Father Indictme?
pissy,
Put a piece of electrical tape over it, you'll never know it's on. I turn my stereo up really loud so that I don't know that it's time to have my breaks done.
jr,
I've done a lot of things for ART that I'm not proud of.
dallas,
I'm not drinking any damn Kool-Aid.
stak,
Can I go to your church? It sounds like fun.
fringes,
Bless you my child.
We can hang out in the ocean of everlasting hellfire if you like.
Puss
Will you change your mind about confession if the priest is one hot dude? Oh, wait. Catholic priests aren't supposed to have sex.
sure, Jesus doesn't care if you wear jeans, but the rest of the parishioners look at you like you're the spawn of Satan when you do it!
Mist1,
It is better to give L*rd than to receive it.
As a fellow catholic raised guilt ridden person, I can tell you to be careful and heed the sign: get to the mechanic and always carry a small gas container in your vehicle...
Its a sign alright,,,,start praying before you run out of gas - you just might make it to the station then.
have a great weekend!
Wasn't Jesus' loincloth, as he was crucified, just a predecessor to your slutty jeans? It's all a continuum. (nice post, btw--my first time here, but I'll be back!)
I must hear more about this rolling down the mountain!
I, too, was raised Catholic and my mother still calls me every so often to remind me that only heathens don't go to church anymore. I know plenty of heathens AT church, trust me.
When my boyfriend and I moved in together, my mother's parting words, as she and my father helped carry in the bed were, "You know, you're living in sin." Which I promptly replied, "Every night Mom! Byeeee!!!"
puss,
I think I'm going to like that place. You make it sound so nice.
lizza,
At least not with girls.
miztris,
Boy, my mom would have some explaining to do to Dad. All this time, he thought I was his kid.
matt,
Amen. Wait...no, I am fond of receiving.
michael,
I think I skipped that part in Sunday school. Is that in the New Testament?
meg,
I should have prayed, but I was too busy cursing.
steven,
You've wasted your time.
jocelyn,
I like that continuum thing. I think I'll explain that to G*d the next time I pray for something.
Thanks for coming by.
beth,
Maybe I'll write about rolling down the mountain.
Jesus can see you anywhere...even in the shower.
c,
And that is why I shower so rarely. This isn't a peep show.
I feel you, sometimes just thinking about going to church gives me a headache.
Damn, is that a sign?
STAY AWAY FROM THE LIGHT!
Like - so what? I ran over a puddle - and splashed a Vicar - what shouldI make of that ?
I told you before, you's going straight to hell.
I'll meet ya down there, I'll have the drinks waiting.
kiyotoe,
I get sexual tension headaches, but the church has never been a source of those.
lee,
Sage advice.
mutley,
I wish I lived some place where we used the word vicar. Splash the vicar sounds like a sexual position to me.
steph,
What if there are no ice makers in hell?
I am not Catholic, so have no clue have no idea what Johnny you are talking about. Which Priest was this again? One of those naughty ones???
karmyn,
I think that's what he said. It might not have been exactly that.
I was raised Irish Catholic... I always though he was saying "Dominic go get some, I can get if for you wholesale..."
Anyway, I've been in Catholics Anonymous for over 20 years now and have been guilt free for over ten... One day at a time!
When I lived in NC and TN, everyone was after my hot little soul: The Baptists, the Nom meoho's, the Southern Methodists, the Snake Handlers, the talk-in-tonguers, the disenfranchised and even the devil worshipers. I was very popular.
I bootlegged Catholic church during my childhood because I noticed that they had a lot of Saints' Days, requiring them to leave school. And they had the best magic show in town, beautiful windows, and cool statuary.
I never took the communion wafer or drank the blood because I thought I'd be struck dead (and my parents would kill me,) but I never heard the priest say "Johnny, get me a biscuit." Please explain.
"Once, I was almost seduced by a sign outside a church that read, "Jesus doesn't care if you wear jeans."
I always thought religion lacked humour (this is obviously not your case)
It seems things are a-changing :)
Marie
PS: what is a "jumbo-tron"?
"Once, I was almost seduced by a sign outside a church that read, "Jesus doesn't care if you wear jeans."
I always thought religion lacked humour (which is obviously not your case)
It seems things are a-changing :)
Marie
PS: what is a "jumbo-tron"?
Hey, maybe this is a sign from within you - if you think it is one - something inside you must be leading you that way...why not check it out?
LOL, maybe it was a sign ... but do catholics beleive in fate? or is it all free will?
Either way too funny!
Too bad churches don't have gas, especially in the south, since churches are every 2 blocks.
A sign would be G*d coming down to stand before you, ordering you to take off your slutty jeans and to get your butt to church. Anything less than that is too vague.
ranger,
Maybe it was Dominic, Johnny's older brother.
hearts,
I think Ranger explained the whole Johnny part. I guess I wasn't paying attention.
nightowl,
A jumbo-tron is the largest tv screen imaginable...and then 100x that.
Thanks for coming by.
barry,
Yes, I definately will have the gas light checked.
Thanks for coming by.
slb,
It was the kind of church where you can cash your paycheck and buy liquor.
velvet,
True. I love these jeans.
See? Jesus is looking out for you after all.
Ohhhh. Dominus vobiscum, or something. I remember that. Dominick vomits. And then all the people throw away their crutches and dance around because they're saved.
Oh, wait. That wasn't Catholicism. It was Generic Southern Churchism. Holy shit, I can't believe I forgot.
that's my kinda church - KIDDING :)
hearts,
I think Dominic Vomits Cum was the first gay porn that I ever saw.
east,
All are welcome. Flip flops, short shorts, and halter tops.
BE AFRAID... BE VERY AFRAID!
lol
I'm also Catholic. Its been soooo long since I have been to confession. I fear the booth would spontaneously combust if I went.
And that, my dear, is exactly what Jesus would do!
I refer to WWJD regularly.
Helps me deal with the reality and horror of this world.
Why just yesterday I went to see Casino Royale and was just horrified by the amount of violence at the beginning of the movie. I really wasn't enjoying it and felt like walking out but I knew this would be a bad move on behalf of my 'date' with hubby.
So I asked WWJD and he said, "close your eyes". It worked and I didn't need to keep them closed for long. After that I really enjoyed the movie. Daniel Craig ....rarrrrr!
poetiq,
I am shaking in my satin Valentino heels.
csb,
It's as though by not going to confession you are saving the lives of others. Which really is an act worthy of sainthood.
icl,
I've always wondered what J.C. would do in a movie theater.
Aside from the savior himself walking out of the church and dragging you into the church, I don't think you could have gotten a bigger sign...
darlene,
I would be more persuaded if the Savior himself walked down to the gas station and came back with a tank of gas. Or better yet, turned water into gas.
I was raised Catholic too. Painful. Mass every Sunday until I turned 18. It haunts you.
chris,
I recommend keeping a full gas tank. You don't want to end up where I was.
Thanks for coming by.
I always enjoy your writing and great sense of humour. Running out of gas outside the church is only slightly better than having gas inside the church ;).
bionic,
Amen. Jesus smells all. Even the silent but deadlies.
othur,
I will see what customizing my dashboard will cost. As for the word verification, is that Latin?
Maybe your car needs to go to church.
giggles. gas and church. It goes together really. if it was a baptist church...
bird,
I hope that's not going to be expensive.
melanie,
Maybe I'm Baptist.
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