To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Monday, December 04, 2006

Musical Cues


I'm not a cuddler.

I always feel like it's an obligation. I always want to say, "Oh, that won't be necessary. I'll just find my panties in the backseat and be on my way."

The thought of hot, moist breath on the back of my neck makes me cringe. All I can think is that my hair is going to frizz from the humidity. I don't like to be tucked under an arm like a football either. Unless it is roleplay. Then it's okay, but I don't like to wear the helmet.

There should be a ratio for the number of minutes that I am obligated to cuddle. A 1:1 ratio would be okay. I could deal with a minute of cuddling per minute of sex. That would be about four minutes. That works for me.

I would support a formula of cuddling based on gifts of shoes. This would be a sliding scale program. One pair of Valentino pumps would fetch 8.5 minutes. Kenneth Coles would earn a minute for one pair or three minutes for two. I like this formula even better than the ratio.

There would have to be Terms and Conditions, of course. Minutes are not redeemable for cash. No rolling over minutes for extended cuddle time. No frontal cuddling allowed. Minutes are not redeemable if I have a "headache." Minutes may be revoked for bad behavior or bad breath. Family members are not eligible. Rules are subject to change depending on my mood swings.

It's hard to approach someone with a cuddling formula. I have not perfected this yet. Last week, I was cuddled for seven minutes. In hindsight, I should have communicated my feelings about cuddling in advance. Instead, I sent an invoice for a pair of Bruno Magli pumps with Swarovski-crystal embellished heels.

It didn't go over well. I managed to turn it around and blame it on him. Still, no Brunos.

Saturday, I tried a different technique. I cued up a cd. "At the end of this song, you should go," I said.

That didn't go over well either. I guess he really liked that cd.

Mist 1


62 Comments:

At 9:27 PM, Blogger Some Random Girl said...

come here, let me hold you.

oh wait...did I say that out loud?

 
At 9:33 PM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

I gotta stop liking your blog so much (I thank the lucky stumble that brought me here!), lest my addiction to it keeps me from cuddling with my husband--he who maintains shoes are the downfall of the world. Your ratios wouldn't work in our house (plus, we keep the damn place really cold to save money, so cuddling is the only hope of sleep).

 
At 9:55 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

srg,

Please send a pair of Jimmy Choo's.

jocelyn,

I cuddle my laptop. It keeps me warm at night.

 
At 10:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Then it's okay, but I don't like to wear the helmet.

You never learn. You know that had you been wearing a helmet, we wouldn't have had that problem with my right nipple.

 
At 11:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What was the CD?

 
At 1:10 AM, Blogger othur-me said...

I have 3 questions about the terms:

1) Will a lifetime 40% discount off Boutique 58 be enough for a unlimited minute plan?

2)Are there options for shared minutes for "friends and family" (my Mom wants to know)?

3) How much cuddling might one get for a used pair of red Coverse high tops?

 
At 2:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

'No frontal cuddling allowed' - sounds like marriage to me.

 
At 2:30 AM, Blogger Crack La Rock said...

Last night I told her...I shoulndt be here when your kids wake up. She said yeah. Then i was like Plus I gotta drop these posters I have in the truck off over at the Fez Ballroom...she was like "Dude, one excuse was enough."

 
At 2:52 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

I like the concept of the ratio but would be concerned about the amount of close physical contact required for a pair of Louboutin leopard stilettos. I think you need to recalculate based on shoe aspiration.

Puss

 
At 2:54 AM, Blogger ste said...

hi, i'm an italian boy that have a blog. I would be the "most linked"...it's a bit hard but it's my personal goal.... could you hel me? Link my blog in your... http://stefanuz.blogspot.com thanks a lot... have a nice day.

 
At 2:59 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

Can I get that in writing? Maybe I should disply it on my bedroom door. On the inside though. I don't want my housemate knowing how emotionally shut off I really am.

 
At 3:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You could try the old, pretending to wake up and start screaming cos there is a stranger in your bed and you can't remember how they got there...that usually leads to running...

 
At 3:39 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

Yea, that auto-repeat feature of cd players can be a pain. Try faking sleep and drooling on his arm. He'll have his track shoes on in no time.

 
At 4:46 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

How about snuggling? What's your stance on that?

 
At 5:21 AM, Blogger Kelley said...

So, for a pair of Manolos, does he get to spend the night?

I once dated a guy who liked to cradle me in the spoon position all night long. I think that's what finally killed it for me. It's not very romantic to have to wake your partner so you can be released to pee at 4am.

 
At 5:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are so damn funny. I can't believe you don't like cuddling.

 
At 6:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mist1, aren't you required to wear a helmet?

Besides, the kneepads and pumps are going to look pretty silly w/o the matching helmet.

 
At 6:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel the very same way .. I am not a cuddlier .. NOPE… but the very worst is co-workers that touch you when they are talking to you.. or want “hugs” periodically during the day for no reason what so ever ..hell no .. get away from me …

 
At 6:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I imagine once you negotiate when and how to get them to sign the cuddling waiver/contract/agreement, it will all go over much smoother.

Fortunately, there are plenty of people out there who hate signing long term contracts. Does chocolate hold any weight? I know it helps gain it, but how about as currency? Are you gonna call it the cuddle clause?

 
At 6:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

frontal cuddling.

*shiver*

 
At 7:01 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

dan,

I thought I apologized for that already. I am not going to pay your hospital bill.

skittles,

I cannot reveal that. I have a repuation here.

othur,

1. 40%, no. 100%, yes (with complaining and tossing and turning options turned on).

2. Send a picture of your mom.

3. Are they vintage?

vince,

I'm not the marrying type. I'm really not even the take-home-to-mom type.

crack,

Don't use all your excuses at once. It's like playing poker. Except that you get dressed the better your cards are.

puss,

Physical contact is okay. Cuddling is not.

phishez,

This has nothing to do with emotions. It has everything to do with the fact that I love shoes and my personal space.

shadow,

Nope. In my case, I get cradled and soothed because of the "nightmare."

wg,

I don't fake drooling. That's real life.

av,

Always a lawyer...

kelley,

He must have paid full retail price for them.

I also hate the 4 a.m. request for bathroom release.

matt,

My hair doesn't do helmets.

mj,

I can't even say "hi" to people on some days. I couldn't be touched by co-workers. It wouldn't work out.

michael,

Chocolate holds no weight with me. I thought I made the terms clear. Shoes.

lee,

Are you still in fetal position? I'm worried about you. Not enough to cuddle you though.

 
At 7:22 AM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

I'm so glad you brought this up. I'm generally a very touchy, feely kind of person, but I hate cuddling after sex.

Everything's all sticky and wet. I just want to pay my money and go.

 
At 7:35 AM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

Well of course you can't wear the helmet.

It would mess up your hair.

 
At 7:50 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

123,

Exactly my point. When it's over, it's time for me to pass out. Unless I'm already passed out.

pissy,

My hair might mess up the helmet.

 
At 8:08 AM, Anonymous Kristyn said...

Hmm... I think I should come up with rules and conditions! Then again, not sure my husband would like that. ;) I used to be a cuddler, now I'm just like, okay, leave me alone! Poor hubby!

Kristyn

 
At 8:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It really does come down to the shoes, doesn't it?

 
At 8:37 AM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

psshhh....you and i?

match made in heaven. I remember the days of all of a sudden remembering some chore or assignment that had slipped my mind.

Thus giving me the immediate escape plan necessary to avoid cuddling.

 
At 8:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This sounds like a great idea. Oh, wait, my husband already buys me shoes. Does this mean that I owe him time?

 
At 9:05 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kristyn,

You may need a consultant to draft terms and conditions. Am available for a minimal fee.

claudia,

What else is there?

kiyotoe,

Am seriously considering flirting with you.

velvet,

Cuddling cannot be retroactive.

 
At 9:14 AM, Blogger fringes said...

I like after sex touching, but refuse to date any man who uses the words snuggle and cuddle. Grow a penis, dude.

 
At 9:18 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

fringes,

I like after sex smoking followed by after sex waving goodbye.

 
At 9:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL..I can relate to the humidity and the hair frizzing....anything that makes my hair frizz makes me nuts!!!!

Peace

 
At 9:37 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

odat,

I have start-over hair. I cannot risk frizz.

 
At 10:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Was it Creed?

If not, you should try it with Creed.

He'll leave in an instant. ;)

Steve~

 
At 10:52 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

steven,

Can I hire you as the dj for my holiday party?

 
At 10:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mist1, I had to get back to you on your comment to clear my name. I do NOT smoke cheap weed. I found that commenter's allegation spurious and hurtful.

 
At 11:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You romantic, you :)))
Marie

 
At 11:39 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

Ummm you found a guy that likes to cuddle? I didn't know they existed...

 
At 11:39 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

Ummm you found a guy that likes to cuddle? I didn't know they existed...

 
At 11:50 AM, Blogger Karmyn R said...

What? No cuddling - are you really a guy in disguise? No - you like the shoes. No guy would admit tha!!!

I have to say, I like the spooning. Can't get enough of that.

 
At 12:07 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

"Family members are not eligible" proves that you were not originally from the South.

You should work on that.

 
At 12:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
No cuddling required, none wanted. What do you have to eat?

 
At 1:11 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

Glad you cleared that up. All is right with the Universe.

nightowl,

Shhhhh. Don't let that get out.

cheeky,

Most of them like to cuddle. I blame it on my patented tongue down the throat move. Plus, I smell like Dior.

karmyn,

I have been called worse.

hearts,

I am a Midwesterner deep down inside.

0,

No food today. Am under stress. What do you have to drink?

 
At 2:36 PM, Blogger C said...

You need to make sure you include peak time minutes such as before midnight and after 1AM etc. They double the value of cuddle minutes so you get more bang for your buck. No pun intended.

 
At 3:09 PM, Blogger S. A. F. said...

This is a beautiful formula. Mind if I borrow it?

 
At 3:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think it is sometimes necessary to qualify the cuddle according to the situation. For instance, there's The Guilt Cuddle, The I'm So-Grateful-Please-Don't-Tell-Me-It-Was-All-Mistake-Cuddle. And of course the infamous "I'm Late" cuddle.

 
At 4:47 PM, Blogger melanie said...

ah the snuggling, cuddling portion of the evening. I am not adverse to it so much, but i can NOT snuggle and sleep. NOT. I need my space. And i dont need shoes either.

 
At 5:40 PM, Blogger Killer said...

Sheep won't cuddle either. I read that somewhere...I swear.

 
At 5:58 PM, Blogger Deezee said...

Since I've been cuddle deprived for far too long now (I exclude time spent with my Chihuahua because that reeks of pathetic), I'm willing to offer my services to you. You can send any desirables who have cuddle needs my way. I won't even charge, but I do have veto power.

 
At 7:10 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

c,

Is it too slutty to make "more bang for your buck" my motto?

sheri,

In a rare humble moment...okay.

Thanks for coming by.

stewart,

There's no such thing as the "I'm late" cuddle.

Thanks for coming by.

melanie,

I cannot help you. You are too far gone.

killer,

It's true. I can confirm. I remember that special night...you, me, sheep, tequila...

 
At 7:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lol. So funny!

I used to be completely anti-cuddling. I HATED it. I pulled away from it. I kicked them out of my bed. Then suddenly, without me noticing, it grew on me. I cuddle with the guy now, and it freaks me out.

 
At 7:14 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

deezee,

Forwarding Little Black Book. Be gentle with them. They've been hurt in the past.

 
At 7:15 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

chris,

Maybe there is hope for me. No spooning.

 
At 7:22 PM, Blogger Tug said...

You need one of those loudass horn blasters they have at football games...that'll teach 'em. May want to use a muter for the elders though...don't want dead people snuggling.

 
At 7:26 PM, Blogger Liz said...

I find that guys don't like to wear the helment either.

By helment you do mean condom, right?

 
At 7:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not a cuddler either. as far as I'm concerned "get in, get out, get away from me". :D

 
At 8:23 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

tug,

I will cuddle the elderly. Especially since they only have a little time left.

liz,

What's a condom?

miztris,

Thank you. Men, sign up here:

 
At 2:18 PM, Blogger K said...

mist i need your formula for venetas or gucci.

does zanotti qualify for, erhm, oral stimulation (receiving of course)?

do sketchers result in an early termination fee?

please advise.

 
At 2:46 PM, Blogger C said...

Go for it! Add it to you to do list.

 
At 5:16 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

k,

I laughed so hard about the Sketchers that a little bit of snot actually flew out of my nose. Sketchers.

c,

I am simply overwhelmed by the two items on my to do list.

 
At 8:06 PM, Blogger Darlene said...

From one non-cuddler to another, I feel your pain. If I were closer, I'd even hug you rught now.

 
At 8:08 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

darlene,

I don't even like to high five.

 

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Name: Mist1
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