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Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.
Dear Orville Redenbacher
 I don't snack. Unless, wine counts as a snack. Then, I even snack with my meals. It's not that I don't like snack foods. I love going through my friend's cupboards. I never have anything convenient to eat in my house. Everything requires calling for take-out.
Last night, I really wanted a snack. When I walked into the kitchen, I forgot what I was there for. I poured a glass of wine and returned to the couch. Half way through my wine, I remembered that I was hungry. I walked into the kitchen and forgot why I was there. I went outside to smoke. Then I returned to the couch. My stomach started to grumble. I turned up the volume on the tv to drown it out.
I got up a final time to make myself a snack. The contents of my cupboard were as follows:
- One can of Spotted Dick (because it makes me laugh).
- One packet of Cock Flavored Soup (see reason above).
- One box of straws (in case I develop a drug problem).
- Something that looked like a raisin.
- One pack of microwave popcorn.
- Two types of dental floss.
In my defense, there are probably edible items on higher shelves that I can't see due to my short stature. I put the popcorn in the microwave and turned the dial. I returned to the couch, finished my wine, and passed out.
I woke up from hunger pangs in the middle of the night. The kitchen didn't smell like popcorn. There was no popcorn in the microwave. I poured a glass of wine. I yelled at the cat. I checked the locks. No popcorn.
I finished the wine and put the glass in the dishwasher...where I found my soggy bag of popcorn.
I am planning to write to the company to complain that not a single kernel popped.
Mist 1
Thanks, Allan for the photo.
"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut
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Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA
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I don't snack. Unless, wine counts as a snack. Then, I even snack with my meals. It's not that I don't like snack foods. I love going through my friend's cupboards. I never have anything convenient to eat in my house. Everything requires calling for take-out.
106 Comments:
I hear Cascade makes a great kettle corn.
It bears repeating after reading this post that you have a great blog by the way!!! Don't ever stop.
1
I have a barrell of dill pickles and a fully washed and dried bag of popcorn tight here for you.
I have two cans of Spotted Dick in my cupboard. Everyone who goes to England seems to think I like canned raisin pudding named after Richards infected unit...
Polenta anyone?
If you chew the wine then yes it would be considered a snack. I chew with my mouth open so this wouldn't work for me.
Here's a helpful tip kids..When given the choice, choose FUNIONS. Choose FLAVOR!
michael,
Doesn't it all have to stop sometime?
0,
Thank G*d for pickles. I would have starved a long time ago.
sank,
I can't help it. It's a funny name.
margaret,
C'mon over. I've got plenty.
bice,
I'm working on my manners. This helps.
crack,
What's the Flavor of the Month?
Cock flavored soup?
*blink*
Where does one get this exactly?
you are just adorable....
I bet a night with you in the sack is fun.
"Hey Mist, I'm over here...but the ottoman looks very happy!"
Mist I love this blog. It helps me to accept my tendency to put my book in the freezer is normal.
Heres a bit of info: apparently hunger pangs last only 15 min. So if you can distract yourself for 15min the hunger will go away.
now you can use science and not the wine as an excuse for forgetting your hunger.
Or thats what I do anyway
Haven't you heard of Orville Redenbacher's "waterproof" popcorn?
Personally, I would have stirred the powdered soup into the wine and sucked it all up with a straw - it is Cock Soup after all.
Puss
Whats wrong with this I thought everyone like me lived on popcorn?
Have you discovered the goodness that is quality boxed wine yet? It will change your life.
(http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2003/12/04/WIGV13EPSU1.DTL)
Does your wine come in a bottle or do you get the high-class stuff that comes in a box?
I can never remember to get snacks, either. And when I do, I never want them. At least not the kind of snack that I have. I wish I could just put on Harry Potter's cloak of invisibility and teleport myself over to the snack isle at the store whenever I wanted to...
You have Spotted Dick we have Spotted Cow - but its a beer and its REALLY good :)
Hey, at least you remembered to wash the wine glass...sure to be needing that again soon.
Let me know if you get a response from the popcorn company, I've got a complaint about how mine always ends up half cooked and the bag all shriveling up.....mmmmmm - LOL
I would definately complain - the drying cycle alone should have made the popcorn explode or at least puff up a little.....
well honey now this is truly a dilemma. let's see, how would an empress handle this situation? do you have a telephone? do you think if you ordered delivery of some sort you could stay awake long enough for it to be delivered? no? well then, i think you just need to have a little rock soup. i believe this is similar to pebbles cereal isn't it? is there any milk in the refrigerator? and not the lumpy kind either. that's just nasty i don't care who you are. anyway, just put the rock soup in a bowl and sprinkle a little of the spotted duck over it. you could also make pate' with the spotted duck but you are probably to (dumb) cute to cook, right? that's what i thought. (now about that links list, wanna' get on that or what?)
(i am try to decide if she is cute and dumb or just plain on the edge of the herd. poor little idiot. but she does have some cute shoes that girl does!)
smile! bee
He's an old guy with bad glasses. Sexy, but still bad glasses. Leave him alone.
Mist1, you have got to get yourself out of that facility--they're just not taking care of you.
sqt,
Check out your grocer's dehydrated soup aisle. It's a great conversation starter. I don't know about your guests, but mine usually want something that tastes like cock. I hate to disappoint.
kiyotoe,
It wasn't one of my finer moments. Can I cook for you? Maybe you'd like some cock flavored soup?
othur,
Otto and I broke up. He wasn't any good in bed.
junkie,
The wine doesn't kill the hunger. It kills that powerful thirst I have.
swamp,
Is it buttery?
puss,
I snorted a line of powdered soup once. Not bad.
shadow,
I live off of spotted dick.
lux,
Mom used to pack a wine box in my lunch when I was a kid.
av,
I am a classy girl. My wine comes in a jug.
choo,
I think it's funny that you'd rather wear an invisibility cloak instead of calling for delivery. What kind of shoes do you wear with that cloak?
fab,
I think I just crapped on myself.
meg,
I hate when that happens to my popcorn. I try to eat it before the burned spot in the middle grows too big.
cheeky,
I'm not going to tell them that I use the no-heat dry cycle.
bee,
It's so cute that you think I have milk in the fridge. Does CoffeeMate count? Okay, okay...I'm on the link. Just for you, I'll do it today instead of waiting until the weekend.
ctw,
Is he still alive?
matt,
Yes. I will move in with you. I thought you'd never ask.
I can not believe that a sweet looking old man can be that much of a cheat…
mj,
Never trust old people.
sue them for punitive damages. tell them that the death of your bag of popcorn has ruined your ability to work. :p
The exact same thing happened to me last night except it was nachos instead of popcorn.
This passage kills me...
"When I walked into the kitchen, I forgot what I was there for. I poured a glass of wine..."
It reminds me of these two quotes from Unforgiven, it's pouring rain and Morgan Freeman and Clint Eastwood are riding through it, Freeman takes a swig of his whiskey bottle. "Will, you want some?"
"Nah, I gave that stuff up"
"But Will, it's raining."
And then later, Eastwood's character is coughing up a lounge and feverish in the saloon. Again Freeman's character offers whiskey.
"I told you, I gave that stuff up."
"But Will, you're sick."
Q: You know who has two thumbs and think spotted dick jokes are funny? A:This guy
yasamin,
I should probably sue the wine company.
karma,
I could eat some nachos right now. Orville Redenbacher makes nachos?
furious,
Rain and illness are good reasons to drink. Spotted dick is funny. Any way you slice it.
Did you get a hit off it?
I snorted vodka once. Messy. The rest of the evening, I mean. Well, what I remember of it.
Puss
Answers: absolutely. Umm.....no.
So your a member of the CFS club also.
Very funny!
MIST! You live like a Southern Californian... Is that what you mean by "The dirty South?"
I mean originally i thought you were in Somewhere hick like Kentucky. But you drink and shop like people i know in Cali...
What gives? Cheaper to live the life in hickville and your a transplant?
So you're short, have curly hair, and smoke...
...I think we could be twins.
Really, how can you keep your identity a secret for your own twin Mist?
Did you set the dishwasher to "heat dry" at the end? Maybe that would have popped it.
I'm just jealous you have a dishwasher...
Cock flavored soup... mmmmm
I don't know why you didn't eat the Spotted Dick. I reach for spotted dick at every opportunity.
This post explains why you're so tiny.
Thank you.
I myself make a mean pot of coffee sans filter and coffee.
But I think what you need is people. As in, I'll have my people call your people. You can just start having your people do these things for you.
Is it the LARGE can of Spotted Dick? ;-)
Peace
i pretty much get the majority of my nutritional content (if it can be called that... do baked potato chips count as nutrition? you know, since they're not fried?) via snacking, so I admire your ability to contain your own snacking to wine... well played, Mist.
p.s. - two kinds of dental floss... if it's mint, or strawberry flavoured, doesn't that count as a food group?
I went to my kitchen for a snack the other night and all that was there was a box of crackers. I didn't know it was possible but they can go bad. Old saltines could be the worst thing I've ever consumed in my life.
..hehe...cock flavored soup..
My boyfriend is always trying to talk me into Cock soup...
Thanks Mist now I know what he is talking about..
Hmmmm I wonder what the "something that looks like a raisin" is?
well, at least you didn't put the glass in the microwave. trust me, I've tried it? and it doesn't get the glasses clean in the LEAST.
kiyotoe,
Okay, we'll have the spotted dick instead.
janet,
CFS = Crappy Food Service?
mayren,
Kentucky Mist. Isn't that a kind of whiskey?
britt,
Mom and Dad said that it was for the best if we kept you in the dark. Actually, they said it was for the best if we kept you in the basement, but the Dept. of Children's Services disagreed.
fringes,
I would have to buy it by the case. I can eat my weight in that stuff.
killer,
I conserve energy (read: cheap). I never use the heat dry setting.
claudia,
It's brand new and doesn't pop corn worth a damn.
dallas,
You can add noodles if you like.
h & b,
Sometimes, a girl has had enough dick for the evening.
pissy,
The wine has stunted my growth.
wave,
My people respond to your comments.
odat,
My Spotted Dick is the biggest.
hube,
That counts as two different food groups. Three, if waxed.
susan,
New saltines aren't even that good.
tellin',
I should clarify, it looked like a smoked raisin. I am saving it for later.
miztris,
Did you use Jet-Dry?
You forgot to switch on the "heat dry" setting. Although, next time, you can just buy the low fat variety. Washing all the butter off is really kind of inefficient.
The 'chick needs a can of spotted dick & cock soup to go along with the can of Dickens Cider that she picked up in Memphis.
Because after a hard day, there's nothing like a hot Dickens Cider.
No WAY!! I was concerned at "turned the dial".
Did you use HOT water?
Mist1: Take my word for it. Ex-fiance's Mom was a Freebie Queen. Complain. They will give you a lifetime of free popcorn. I doubt it will ever be soggy again. Hugs.
Proud that you were putting the glass into the dishwasher - some people just place dirty stuff in the general vicinity of the sink.
Is Cock Soup a cure for Spotted Dick? Because I remember my health teacher telling us to stay away from the spotty ones.
OK.. I am doing my best to contain my outrage at this blatant disrespect and mistreatment of all things popcorny and microwavable. You'll be hearing from my lawyer! ;)
Sounds like a great way to diet!!! I'll have to try it.
When I saw the popcorn, I thought this was going to be a nightmare story. Popcorn is very hard to get out of place between your teeth when it gets stuck.
After 2 or 3 bites I am sucking between my teeth to get the stuff out.
Popcorn betweeen your teeth feels like small jagged pebbles. Floss is almost no match you need to pry kernel stuff out sometimes. Do you use toothpicks too?
I thought I was talking with intelligent people here. Popcorn in dishwashers? Of course it failed. You should have used the washing maching, extra spin cycle.
I'm always wary when my g/f talks about spotted dicks she has known - they can lead to spots elsewhere - on other people - raisin rash!
Hmmm, when I walk into the kitchen and forget why, I never thought about pouring myself a glass of wine while I was there. Then again, with the amount of times that I do that I'd be an alcoholic in no time.
-velvet
kelley,
I was not only inefficient, it was tasteless. And not in my usual tasteless way.
chick,
I've heard that a hot cider can burn a dick.
lex,
Does anyone still have a microwave with a dial?
tug,
That would have been more effective.
maiden,
I will never buy groceries again.
jali,
My sink is full of other filthy stuff. I can't use it at all.
gina,
There is no cure for spotted dick. That's why I haven't opened the can.
asara,
Listen, I know lots of corny people. I mean no disrespect. Generally, I find them to be decent folks.
Thanks for coming by.
karmyn,
It works for me.
tom,
I really prefer floss. Toothpicks are dangerous when driving.
archie,
I've known a lot of rich dicks, but only a few spotted dicks.
velvet,
That's the beauty of alcoholism, it really doesn't take much time.
Ok, with my lysdexia, when I read your comment way back up the page about 2 miles, I read it, "Is it's puss buttery." Go figure. I there a blog rule that says I can only comment once on a post?
I used to work at a movie theatre. Popcorn is evil!! You need some emergency snack food :)
That's gold. What kind of wine were you having?
What did you do with the rest of the Spotted Man?
swamp,
Mmmmm...buttery puss.
chris,
Suggestions?
turtle,
Something red. Who knows.
hearts,
He swims with the fishies.
I've just always wanted to say that.
wow, the worst I've done is put the milk in the cabinet rather than the fridge...Maybe that cause I don't do dishes...
So did you try to reheat the popcorn? I would have, just to see what happens. But then I've been known to drive on the wrong side of the road for the same reason. Don't listen to me.
As you were.
Thank you thank you for the laugh. You're cute. K
Wine snack = bestest snack ever. It should be in the Snack Hall of Fame.
olives,
I detest milk. Although, I've put lots of other stuff in the freezer that shouldn't be frozen.
steph,
Damn. I didn't think to recycle it. I tried to eat it.
kiki,
Cute? As in can't cook? Or as in drunkard?
ddl,
I'm nominating it right now.
counselor,
Rat bastards is one of my favorite things to say. I think I got it from that movie with Val Kilmer. Was it Heat?
so how many glasses of wine was that? I lost count.
A spoted dick requires a trip to the emergency room. That's just my humble opinion. But I can deal with cock soup. At some point, we all must.
-N
yeah, sue their damn nuts off!
Cock. Flavored. Soup.
Good lord.
Popcorn just lost all its appeal.
rach,
How many glasses are in a jug? That's how many I had.
natalia,
That was so poetic. Yes, we all must.
brooklyn,
I love nuts. Especially macademia nuts and pistacios.
lizza,
I don't think Orville makes cock flavored popcorn.
hi mist! i did an interview with mo today and there is a link to it on my blog today. you may want to take a peek, you are mentioned honey. smiles bee
bee,
I love it when people talk about me.
Do you love Barb at Skittle's Place? Please check out my post then pass it on :)
Do you love Barb at Skittle's Place? Please check out my post then pass it on :)
At least the pocorn was clean though. Maybe tooth breakingly hard to chew, but clean.
Should have eaten the floss. Cleans yourr digestive tract.
heather,
Love is a strong word. To date, she has not purchased any shoes for me. So, I just like her.
Thanks for stopping by.
phishez,
I think eating the kernels cleaned me out well enough.
You know, in some parts of the world, cock flavored soup is a hard-to-get delicacy. You should try it. Maybe you could use the straw.
dorky,
Cock is never hard to get.
Hey mist1, I actually read 7 of your posts this trip! You are one creative girl :) Thanks for the laughs.
Friends???
May I link to you?
heather,
Friends. Link away. Thanks for coming back and reading.
skittles,
My lawyer is so sick of me.
The important thing here is that you have floss. Although I hope you have more than two spools in the house? I start to get really nervous if we're down to just two.
Introduced to you today by Mystic Wing. You are funny as in "funny, ha-ha."
Glad he blogged about you!
michelle,
I have floss for days. I'm glad you specified which kind of funny I am. Now I don't have to go off on that whole funny-like-a-clown thing.
Thanks for coming by.
when I was younger, I put an armful of clothes in the toilet, thinking it was the hamper. There was no wine involved, but Mom still wasn't happy.
bird,
A hamper? That's a great idea.
Keeping the popcorn and floss together?
You're a genious!
They just don't make popcorn like they used to.
I have one word, snacky cakes and cheesy poofs.
Are you lost in a pile of popcorn?
greg,
Thanks for noticing.
shife,
Remember the good ol' days, when you could pop corn in the dishwasher?
slag,
I try to be anonymous and there you go, telling the world my nicknames.
swamp,
Help, I've fallen and I can't get up.
I use wine as an appetite suppressant too. And sleep aid. And personality giver at parties. It's quite useful.
lee,
I feel a little jealous. I was seeing wine first. We go to parties all the time.
That happened to me once too...
ranger,
We'll have to order take out.
Definately take out... Your choice
ranger,
I was thinking fish.
What a waste!
I regularly use popcorn mules from the US and Canada to bring in supplies of Orville Redenbacher's as it is not available in Spain (nor anywhere in Europe as far as I know). So it's usually feast or famine popcorn-wise over at casa az
Oh, and this should make it easier to find cock flavoured soup at the supermarket.
azahar,
I love mules. I also love a$$es.
Thanks for coming by.
Any Chance of a link to my new websie..
www.HotDickenCider.com
It is dedicated to my family farm in Good Ole Kentucky.
We used to sell Cider by the road but the authorities did not like our selling of Hard Dicken Cider so they shut us down.. Darn revenuers.. Any way we moved the operation to the Internet and hope you folks will enjoy a Hot Dicken Cider.. recipe's are free.
Jim Dicken
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