To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Tuesday, January 02, 2007

The Perfect Match


I swore off imaginary men years ago.

I dated a one-eyed imaginary man for two years. We had something special. He understood my need to be alone. His name was Daniel. To protect his anonymity, I won't share his last name. He had two first names. Dad told me never to trust a man with two first names. I should have listened.

Things started to go wrong. I complained that I always had to initiate sex. We argued about everything. Finally, he said that he just couldn't see himself with me. I was devestated.

Recently, a friend of mine got married. Her husband has put me on the Bad Influence List. Now, my friend and I have to sneak around like we're having an affair. We drive separately and rent cheap motel rooms by the hour so that we can catch up on all the gossip and show off our new shoes. She won't let me hug her because she doesn't want to go home smelling like my perfume.

When I call her, she excuses herself to the bedroom to talk to me. Her husband is starting to get suspicious. He thinks she's seeing someone else.

She called me last night and invited me over for dinner. "What about Paul?" I asked. "He's cool, don't worry about it," she reassured me. I asked her what had changed Paul's mind about me. "I told him that you're seeing someone."

I got off the phone and called my imaginary ex-boyfriend to ask him to take me back. He didn't answer. I called his voicemail three more times, just to hear his voice.


Mist 1


69 Comments:

At 9:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL You know it's bad when even the imaginary people in your life won't talk to you. Oy. Okay so, why not replace him with someone new and improved!??

As always, thanks for making me laugh. :)

Oh and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

 
At 9:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i was home all night. All you had to do was call....

 
At 9:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

sheeesh, that's soooo like imaginary guys. Maybe you two can just be friends with benefits.

 
At 10:00 PM, Anonymous Bice said...

"I could see through this story right from the start." - Kurt Vonnegut

 
At 10:03 PM, Anonymous swampwitch said...

I think you're hallucinating from eating the cork on your last post. Are you still wearing the sheet you had on "in San Francisco?" Maybe cyclops doesn't like women who wear sheets, fancy shoes, and meets other women in hotel rooms. I suggest you find another imaginary friend. He's not good enough for you.

 
At 10:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I could use a bad influence in my life. Can I call you my cyber-friend?

 
At 11:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should really try to stop having these unhealthy imaginary relationships.

Maybe your Dad should have given you more imaginary hugs when you were growing up.

 
At 11:07 PM, Blogger Jack's Shack said...

Dad told me never to trust a man with two first names. I should have listened.


Makes me think of The Princess Bride.

 
At 11:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so glad your friend's husband has had a change of heart. I'd be happy to introduce you to my best (imaginary)friend. His name is Regis.
Happy New Year.

 
At 11:44 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

mouse,

He was the best imaginary boyfriend that I've ever had. It's hard for me to get over him.

kiyotoe,

You're a hard man to reach.

olives,

He'd get attached to quickly. I'm sure of it.

bice,

Quoting Vonnegut will get you everywhere.

swamp,

Maybe I can do better. How'd you know his code name?

sqt,

The first bad influence is free. After that, I have to charge.

killer,

I thought maybe we could see an imaginary therapist together.

jack,

I love that movie.

michael,

Tell Regis to call me.

 
At 12:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Damn! I even have to pay my cyber-friends. What am I doing wrong?

 
At 1:51 AM, Blogger Steph said...

My imaginary boyfriend constantly demands batteries. He's so needy!!

 
At 2:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds like your friend's husband fancies you...

Stay sober. Unless you want a threesome, but I wouldn't recommend sleeping with a friend - a friend's husband maybe.

Puss

 
At 2:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

well mist honey, i hardly know where to start. now i think the girlfriend's husband may be a friend of your ex-imaginary boyfriend. that's how he knows what's up. if you could break up THOSE two then i think you and your girlfriend could get back together in the light of day. as for the ex-imaginary boyfriend, i say give him the boot! (do you wear boots honey?) if not, i guess just "shoe" him a good one. you life is rather complicated. i may have to take a refresher course in night school to leave you notes. sigh..... bee

 
At 2:58 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

What a wonderful splice of both fact and fiction. Just don't know where one begins and the other ends.. I mean, who knows if this friend is even real. Maybe you're a bad influence on Paul's imaginary girlfriend.

Did I just blow your mind!

 
At 3:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you should just go ahead and date Matt from Animal Mind. That'd probably get you both off of the "bad influence" list... or at least you'd have company on it.

 
At 3:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Imaginary men are sorely underrated.

 
At 3:38 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

What happened to his other eye?

 
At 5:14 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Do imaginary boyfriends have imaginary numbers?

Am I a complete geek for that horrible math joke?

 
At 5:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Reading Mist's posts each day is a bad influence - on my productivity at work.

 
At 5:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy New Year or Blwyddyn Newydd Dda (Welsh) to ya.

Is it bad that I still have a hangover on Jan 2 or just a sign I had a good times on NYE.

 
At 5:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I never had an imaginary boyfriend but I did have an imaginary bodyguard named Johnny at one point. He was really cool.

 
At 6:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Finally, he said that he just couldn't see himself with me.

Are you sure he didn't have his one imaginary eye closed? And even if he didn't, that one eye was imaginary ... so could he really see with it?

Geez, this is getting confusing. And I feel a headache coming on. Where's my imaginary Advil?

 
At 6:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The imaginary boyfriends are the best. Sounds like you got a loser one, though. You should dump him for a new-improved imaginary boyfriend.

 
At 6:48 AM, Anonymous Rhea said...

If he's imaginary, why didn't you imagine him with better features, like TWO eyes!?

 
At 7:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My imaginary boyfriend doesn't take my calls either.

 
At 7:32 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

I say you and your friend have a pillow fight in your panties to settle it

Seriously that's how Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson would have handled it

 
At 8:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mist 1, I have some rather bad news.... the bastard has run of with my imaginary girlfriend.

I couldn't believe it myself until I found the letter. She said we were spending much too much time reading and writing blogs and this year they just weren't going to take it anymore.

It's been going on for about 6 months now, she's expecting her imaginary love child sometime in April or May.

 
At 8:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My imaginary girlfriend wants some "space right now."

 
At 8:23 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

Someone left three messages on my voice mail looking for Daniel this weekend.

It's all making sense now.

Ignore any messages you may have had this morning about "stupid psychotic bitch, you've got the wrong fucking number!"

 
At 8:26 AM, Blogger Natalia said...

My cat has a one-eyed girlfriend. She is not imaginary though. So, I guess that counts. Even if he is fixed.

-N

 
At 8:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow, getting blown off by a one-eyed imaginary guy? that's HARSH!

 
At 8:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I sometimes wish I was back with my imaginary boyfriend instead of the real one. If he is a boyfriend. Who knows...At least "Claude" didn't believe in grey areas. We were firmly black and white, yes or no, tomatoe or tomatO.

 
At 8:41 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

All boyfriends are imaginary. They only become real when we break up with them (or marry them.)

 
At 9:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a man...he doesn't have a face, lips or torso but we have GREAT SEX!! I met him on a ship of stars. I can introduce you to his brother Jack. Only one catch...if you get married your last name would be rabbit....are you cool with that??

 
At 9:01 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

It's true Mist baby, my Mom said never trust a man with two first names.

 
At 9:25 AM, Blogger Meg said...

I used to have an imaginery boyfriend when I was growing up...I would steal things of my brothers and walk around proclaiming to my friends that they were my boyfriends things. How sick is that - Ok - I was only like twelve at the time, but still....

 
At 9:54 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

sqt,

No offense, but I've got bills to pay.

steph,

I have a Battery Operated Boyfriend too. B.O.B. and I have been together for about two years.

puss,

I'd rather sleep with my friend.

bee,

Of course I wear boots.

orhan,

Mind blown. What if this is all a dream?

wg,

Matt has been blowing off my advances for months now. Put in a good word for me.

lux,

Why are the good imaginary men always gay?

nwjr,

A little accident in the lab.

av,

I never noticed how geeky you are until just now.

michael,

See? Maybe he's right, I am a bad influence.

vince,

Sounds like a good time to me.

karma,

I want a bodyguard too.

dan,

Relationships give me headaches too.

aisby,

I don't know how to meet another imaginary man.

rhea,

I happen to love one eyed men. I like men who have experienced some pain in their lives. Then I don't have to create it.

margaret,

Have you thought about driving over to his imaginary house and waiting for him to come out ?

furious,

Should I wear my imaginary panties?

wave,

I had a feeling that something wasn't right. You better hope that imaginary boyfriend doesn't look like you.

matt,

Get a new imaginary girlfriend. She'll come running back.

britt,

Your voice sounds just like his.

natalia,

A fixed boyfriend would be even better.

miztris,

Self-esteem at an all new low.

susan,

Claude? I thought about naming my cat Clawed.

hearts,

Is there a story there? Have you been hurt by an imaginary boyfriend too?

counselor,

Mist Rabbit? It would never work.

maiden,

I've been going out of my way to date men with two first names just to prove Dad wrong.

meg,

Is your imaginary ex-boyfriend hot? Is your brother?

 
At 10:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am sometimes the Bad Influence Friend. It sucks. My friend used to have to read my e-mails with her fingers at the "alt-tab" ready. She had me listed on her phone as "Bob" of all things. Yes,. some strange guy's name was apparently more reassuring to her husband to see than mine.

Happy New Year!

 
At 10:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I heard the same thing your dad said on a made for TV movie. I took it to heart.

 
At 10:03 AM, Anonymous Slick said...

Daniel doesn't seem to be understanding of your needs Mist. We all can understand the need for you initiating the sex but still....

He's unworthy. Especially the two first names.

Did you and your friend use false names while checking into the hotels?

 
At 10:05 AM, Blogger SabilaK said...

I so have an imaginary boyfriend as well. His name's Dial Tone. We've been going steady since middle school.

 
At 10:07 AM, Blogger The Phoenix said...

Maybe he's got a new imaginary girlfriend?

 
At 10:13 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

riss,

I don't understand why we don't hang out.

kali,

My dad got his best parental advice from TV.

slick,

Of course we used false names. We're no strangers to the motel check-in.

sabilak,

Is that pronounced Tony?

phoenix,

He can't leave me. I made him.

 
At 10:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've heard mostly of women getting jealous of the spouse's friends but never the other way around!!!

 
At 10:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you made him...you can unmake him....and make a new one!!!
Peace

 
At 11:10 AM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

I concur with the WG, Mist. Matty needs more "real" women in his life. You still coming up this way? (hint, wink, nudge).

It'd kill two birds with one stone. Or one stoner.

Nuttin' but love, Matty.

 
At 12:23 PM, Blogger Just telling it like it is said...

I'm thinking He just not that into you...
Just putting it out there.. You deserve better..

Now I'm kinda jealous I want someone to sneak around with and tell all my trashy stories too and show off my old shoes to...

 
At 12:33 PM, Anonymous Karmyn said...

There are two good things about imaginary boyfriends -

1. They always remember to put the toilet seat down.

2. They never talk back.

 
At 2:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had two imaginary friends when I was growing up. They would only play with each other.

 
At 2:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

one eyed man...couldn't see himself with you...LOLOLOL!!

 
At 4:00 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

junk,

Now you've heard everything.

Thanks for coming by.

anon,

Is that you, Odat? No one else says "peace."

123,

Look out, Matty.

tellin',

That hurts. I have to go lick my wounds now. Or buy some shoes. That always helps.

karmyn,

But they never pick up the check.

skittles,

I hate cliques.

rach,

I liked that one too.

 
At 4:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

can i say... i love you? Damn men, first their imaginary, which is bad enough... then they have TWO FIRST NAMES? My Dad gave me the same piece of advice.

 
At 5:29 PM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

You'd never be able to date anyone in Hell.

They pretty much all have two first names.

 
At 5:47 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

cucu,

I have rules about love here. I really prefer that no one even fall in like with me. I do allow exceptions from time to time. By the way, do we have the same dad?

Thanks for coming by.

pissy,

You mean I'm going to be dateless for Eternity? I didn't think that I was that bad.

 
At 7:03 PM, Blogger Neil said...

Hey, it's better to have an imaginary one-eyed boyfriend than sitting alone with just the imaginary guy's lost eye.

 
At 7:27 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

neil,

Ah, the silver lining.

 
At 7:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

damn blogger/beta shit. I'll try this again.

I didn't realize he was taken...I'll call it off right away - ratbastard. For once, I'M not the bad influence. Nice.

 
At 7:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My husband thinks that I'm my own bad influence. He's asked me to stop seeing myself.

-velvet

 
At 7:54 PM, Anonymous swamp said...

How did I know his "code name?" I dated him once...

 
At 8:48 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

tug,

I can't switch to Beta. You will have to work with me until they let me switch.

velvet,

I've stopped seeing myself a million times, but I just keep on coming back. I want the last word.

swamp,

Was that before or after I made him up?

 
At 12:44 AM, Anonymous swamp said...

After !

 
At 9:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Try men you admire but will never meet. This works fabulously for me. I walk around saying things like, "Well, my astrophyscist director of the Hayden Planetarium took me to the moon last night...it was wonderful! or "My hot Stephen Hawking PhD assisant told me I was brilliant."

AND I never actually have to hear or see them drool, snore or fart. That would break my heart.

 
At 11:19 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

What's the chance a random guy could slip between you two at a hotel room?

 
At 11:19 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

What's the chance a random guy could slip between you two at a hotel room?

 
At 12:53 PM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

It can't be a dream, I'm too handsome. Don't tell me its all in my mind :(

 
At 4:47 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

swamp,

Everyone told me that he was no good.

lee,

I can't have men that are married to their career. I'm too needy.

lbb,

Let's negotiate a price.

orhan,

I feel bad. Like somehow, I've disturbed your microcosm. Answer my calls.

 
At 7:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I am so there for you

 
At 9:14 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I have always wanted to start sentences with "My boyfriend, the CEO."

 

Post a Comment

"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut

ABOUT ME
ABOUT ME
Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA

Yes, it is about me. Thanks for noticing.

BLOGROLL

123 Valerie Strikes Again
A Day in the Life
A Day in the Wind
Ali Thinks
Allan Thinks
Animal Mind
A View From The Watter's Edge
Avitable
BNR - Blog Name Removed
Briliant Donkey
Burnett's Urban Etiquette
Burt Reynolds' Mustache
c-writing
Cardiac Fantasies
Carnival of the Mundane
Curiosity Killer
Dallas Dysfunction
Dan's Blah Blah Blog
Disgruntled Workforce
DKY Bar and Grill
Exorcise My Devils
Fantasy and Sci-Fi Lovin' Blog
Fresh Air Lover
Guilty With An Explanation
How to go Insane
I Am Woman, See Me Blog!
Intelligent Humor
It's Go Time!
It's No Picknick!
Jester Tunes
Jen (and Andrew)
Just Tug
Karlababble
Ketchup With My Fries, Please
Liner Notes
Little White Liar
Maiden New York
Mayren Abashed
Meloncutter Musings
Mindy Does Minneapolis
Miss Britt
Much Ado about sumthin!
Muffin 53
Pointless Banter
Pointless Drivel
Q's Corner
Random Moments
Roadtrip
Sanity Optional
Single Life As I Know It
Secret Suburban Misfit
Southern Circle of Hell
Studio-Twenty-Three
The Assimilated Negro
The Death of Retail Price
The Dragon: 050376
The Morning Meeting
The Post College Years
The Wonderful World of Nothing Worthwhile
Tiny Voices in My Head

NEWEST POSTS

2007
Friendly Skies
Humanitarian Effort
I Used to Live Here
Carjacking
On Holiday
Call Cher, It's Mask II
I Wonder Where He Puts It
Flossy
Tell 'Em What They Want to Hear

ARCHIVES

Credits

Header image photo by Alison.

 Subscribe in a reader

 Subscribe to comments

RFS Blog Awards Winner