To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Thursday, January 04, 2007

My Next Ex-Husband



I've accepted marriage proposals from my blog before. Unfortunately, it didn't work out. My groom-to-be ran off and has not returned. I am not bitter. I wish him no immediate bodily harm and I still link to his blog.

Recently, The Assimilated Negro proposed to me. In fairness, I didn't read the post, but it was about public proposals and since everything is about me, I assumed that this was his proposal. I have accepted.

Upon my acceptance, TAN sent me an email in which he referred to me as his betrothed. That's how I know this is serious. I have forwarded this email to my mother, my grandmother, my neighbor, my Ex, the guy I've been sleeping with, my mail carrier and anyone else to needs to know that I am Off The Market.

I know that it will be hard for TAN to leave his beloved New York and join me here in the Dirty South. I hope that he cooks. I also hope that he understands that I will spend all of his hard earned money on shoes. I appreciate his sacrifice for me and in return, I am willing to sit here and look pretty for a few more years.

This is all so sudden. There are so many decisions to be made. What are our colors? What will be our first dance? I've got to think about my Maid of Honor and sample a variety of cakes. Then, there's the honeymoon. I'm thinking Aruba.

All this stress is giving me cold feet. How can I marry him when we haven't even had premarital sex?

I've been practicing signing his last name after my name. I usually do this on a first date. I usually don't get a second date. I hope that TAN is not a conventional man. I don't want to offend him by keeping 1, my maiden name. But, I simply cannot go through life as Mist Negro. I think The Missed Negro is a book of poetry by Langston Hughes and is therefore probably trademarked and copyrighted.

TAN, I'm sorry. I have to consider my future.

Can I keep the ring?

Mist 1


97 Comments:

At 9:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mist, I am already married, so I can't really propose anything indecent. Wait. Okay..let me go on. What I will volunteer myself as is the ring bearer. That and entertainment at the bachelorette party. Stop smirking. Think hard about this before turning me down.

 
At 9:26 PM, Blogger ian said...

I don't know nuthin' about no marriage proposal, but I do know you have LEGO minifigs right there, and that makes you better than okay in my book. here's why.

If it doesn't work out with TAN, maybe we can have a torrid affair of our own. I think I'm free next Thursday...

Ian

 
At 9:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do I need to return the (insert name of expensive designer high heels here)shoes I got you as a wedding gift?

I'll hook you up with Regis ;-)

 
At 9:32 PM, Anonymous Bice said...

It's your lucky day! I'm a bonafide Internet reverend so I can preform the ceremony making it all legal like. I'll waive my typical fee in exchange for letting me eat my body weight in those little wedding butter mints.

 
At 10:16 PM, Anonymous archie said...

Mist 1, honey, you must learn to use up your financiers - err - fiances.

 
At 10:37 PM, Blogger Natalia said...

Can I be you first future ex-wife? I promise I won't ask for spousal support.

-N

 
At 10:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Damn the Assimilated Negro! Of course I clicked on the link and saw the proposal stuff, so what did I do? I went to You tube to watch other proposal clips...45 minutes later I remember that I was reading your blog. I'm glad you didn't marry him.

 
At 10:47 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

stewart,

I was really hoping for an indecent proposal here.

ian,

Call me Wednesday night.

michael,

Don't return the shoes. They are size 6.5 right?

bice,

Show me your credentials.

archie,

That's what I'm trying to do.

natalia,

I don't look good in a tux. We can't get married.

 
At 10:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You wish him no immediate bodily harm. But what about in the future. Will you be looking to harm his non-body?

Its good to see you're well prepared for this. Theres nothing worse than going to a wedding wearing the same outfit as someone else. Especially if your the bride.

 
At 10:51 PM, Blogger Jack's Shack said...

You could be wife number 13. I can tell you that the health benefits are pretty good, but the retirement package has a few kinks in it.

 
At 11:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have you decided who gets the children? Jilly and I are barren, maybe we can cut a deal.

 
At 11:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i never got that e-mail missy. It's cool if you didn't want me to know you were almost off the market ;)

 
At 12:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

A wise soul once told me, "If it's got tires or testicles, it's going to give you trouble."

Still, you can ride a both cars and husbands, so do what you gotta do, lady.

 
At 12:09 AM, Blogger SQT said...

I'd volunteer for bridesmaid duty, but I wonder if my blue skin would clash with the gown??

 
At 1:06 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

I thought you were sleeping with your mail carrier...

Oh, and FYI on Bice: He is qualified to do the ceremony, but will insist on being pantsless.

 
At 1:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Damn it I had a nice dress picked out and shoe to match!

But I'll be keeping the wedding gift.

 
At 1:41 AM, Anonymous Alison said...

If we got married, I could wear the tux. And then we could scare millions of ostrich-like Amurricans with our relationship and subsequent divorce.

Or maybe I need to get some sleep.

 
At 3:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm available as a maid of honor. I have lots of experience. You know, "always a bridesmaid" and all.

 
At 3:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please reconsider and then consider me for the position of maid of honour - I need a new dress. And shoes. And I can do a mean aisle walk.

Puss

 
At 3:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You shatter hearts left and right, heartless woman. At least have sex with the guy to ease his pain.

 
At 4:19 AM, Anonymous swampwitch said...

If Stewart gets to be the ring bearer, then may I be the flower girl? I would rather the a candle-lighter, but the last time I did that, I caught the flowers next to the candles on fire. No shit ! I really did. There are pictures.

 
At 4:22 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

I'll videotape the honeymoon for free, but I retain rights to all the footage.

 
At 4:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You never know maybe TAN last name is Blahnik, check first, you don't want to make a terrible mistake!!

 
At 4:47 AM, Blogger Ranger Tom said...

So my offer of a weekend of meaningless, gratutious sex is out of the question?

 
At 5:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wish I had proposals from the internet. I just get dirty pictures.

 
At 5:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Crushed after the first paragraph, ecstatic by the end.
I'll up the bid for to be the next Ex by five pairs of shoes, a trip to the Grand Caymans, and a week in the Gulf on a sail boat. Oops, the indecent part. Hmmm. Tequila Body Shots?

 
At 6:00 AM, Blogger Roadchick said...

Cold feet are not a bad thing - it means you can wear a size 6 in those Manolos...

Or you could get Uggs...

Hock the ring, buy shoes.

 
At 6:16 AM, Blogger cinders said...

How about The Assimilated Mist?

 
At 6:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The name thing would do it for me .. What would you be without the 1?
Well if you decide to go through with it .. I am free on the 17th.. You do need someone to get the family all liquored up right ??

 
At 6:29 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

And here I was hoping to be your very first extra-marital affair!

 
At 6:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

if you change you mind and decide to get married, well now or ever for that matter, can i taste the cakes for you? i'm really good at cake tasting.

(she exits thinking: now put a link on your danged sidebar, i'm tired of waiting. i mean i have other cakes to taste too. sigh.... the more shoes they have the harder it is to get on their sidebar, i bet she thinks she is the only one with cakes)

 
At 6:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now that is one funny Negro.

 
At 6:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My future ex-husband gave me cookie dough. He knows the way to my heart is through my food addiction.

 
At 7:05 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

Yes, I accept to be your Maiden of Honor. That's what you said isn't it? Besides, I can be your back up. TAN is hot.

 
At 7:13 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

I say you just have a branding ceremony of some sort, make your representative iron and scar each other's asses with a red hot poker...ahh jesus, did I type that out loud?

 
At 7:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My husband proposed the old fashioned way. We got drunk on vodka martinis and ordered a diamond online.

 
At 7:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why not have him take YOUR last name?!

 
At 7:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm jealous. No one ever proposes to me...especially not anyone on the internet. I can't even get my real-life boyfriend to propose. I'm going to die alone with my virtual cats.

 
At 7:57 AM, Blogger fringes said...

Blog crushes are not for marrying. That's so the golden rule of blog crushes.

 
At 8:17 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

Oh I would look LOVELY in teal taffeta - FYI

I've found it also matches the carpet in nearly all hotel rooms.

 
At 8:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

lmao! marry his ass, stay with him a year, divorce his ass, and take half. :p

or is that only in cali?

 
At 8:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

just live in sin, it's whole hell of alot easier than marriage, followed with divorce.

 
At 9:03 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

Mist One Negro sounds good. MON for short. MON TAN as a couple on the beach. It's all good. I say go for it.

 
At 10:02 AM, Anonymous Odat said...

Damn...thought we were gonna have to start addressing you as Mrs.
Good choice!
Peace

 
At 10:03 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

phishez,

I cannot speak about any non-bodily harm.

jack,

I have always wanted to be part of a harem.

slag,

Maybe you haven't seen my abs. I can't risk losing them. Do you want my cat? He's been puking all morning, just like a baby.

kiyotoe,

You are my almost secret weapon.

123,

Tires and testes. Gotta remember that.

sqt,

I wouldn't put you in anything that didn't look good with the skin.

fab,

I would prefer to sleep with the UPS guy. Ooooh, those shorts...

shadow,

Was it a toaster? I need a new toaster.

alison,

Okay, as long as you wear the tux.

wg,

I'm never invited to be in the bridal party. I'm usually not even invited to the wedding.

puss,

Your aisle walk cannot be meaner than mine. It's my day.

lizza,

I hope he's not a torn up inside about this one. I mean, we really had something there for like 2.5 minutes.

swamp,

I'm not supposed to play with fire.

nwjr,

I've always wanted to be in movies.

vince,

I am so impressed with your shoe knowledge right now. Am speechless.

ranger,

We're on for this weekend. Promise me that it will mean nothing.

debbie,

Look, how many times do I have to apologize for sending you those pictures?

michael,

Never mess with a girl like that unless you mean it.

chick,

Keep talking Manolos to me and I'll propose to you.

cinders,

I am afraid that you all would start calling me the A$$ Mist for short.

mj,

I know. I really like having a number in my name.

av,

Hold on...fantasizing.

bee,

Please taste the cakes. I'm not into cake. Thanks for the reminder to update my links. Do I owe anyone else some linkage?

matt,

Yes, yes he is.

ddl,

All I can read from the cookie dough is that he can't cook.

maiden,

Naturally, I thought of you first, but I didn't want to send all the haters over to your blog.

furious,

No one's brand goes on this a$$. It would cover up my tattoo.

kelley,

That is so romantic.

tex,

Do people still do that? My parents thought about that. They even thought about combining names.

Thanks for coming by.

me,

I don't like to think of you surrounded by hundreds of virtual kitties.

fringes,

To be fair to TAN, he had no idea what he was getting himself into.

britt,

Most of my dresses look pretty good on hotel room floors.

yasamin,

We do that all over the country.

junk,

What does a condo in Sin go for?

icl,

MON TAN is a state here in the U.S.

 
At 10:04 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

odat,

No need for formalities.

 
At 10:05 AM, Blogger saurabh said...

Wait, when did I run off? I've been standing at this bloody altar for months, now.

 
At 10:06 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

saurabh,

This is awkward. I swear, it isn't what it looks like.

 
At 10:29 AM, Blogger Roadchick said...

Tell you what -

You wear the Manolos
the 'chick will be down in front, Jimmy Choo's on her feet.

There might even be a little something Prada in it for you if you mention the 'chick on your Diva Radar....

 
At 10:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think it is your duty and obligation to cyber him at least once. He did get the ring right?

Of course, we all want a copy of said cyber session. (Doesn't that sound so '90's? I miss grunge.)

 
At 11:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Mist Tan" sounds good.

Nah - YOU would probably hear it as though someone were discussing your complexion and get a stinky attitude.

Here's the intention: Mist Tan - an Asian inspired smokey flavor. Like the mists on the jasmin on a Shanghai morning.

Never fu%*in' mind!

 
At 11:39 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

spelling ass with dollar signs makes it sound pricey. that must be some high dollar ass there.

 
At 11:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, hell.. I was just going to ask my shrink for more meds so I could attend the wedding.

 
At 12:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you get marriage proprosals, I get groped by freaks at the bar.

life is so not fair. ;)

 
At 12:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good premarital sex is essential to a happy marriage. Smart girl.

 
At 12:42 PM, Blogger fringes said...

"Good premarital sex is essential to a happy marriage."

Good marital sex is even more important.

 
At 12:59 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

chick,

Diva Radar will be enhanced this weekend.

ctw,

TAN doesn't cyber before marriage.

jali,

Are you trying to say that I need a tan?

furious,

If you have to ask, you can't afford my a$$.

skittles,

Get the meds. I am fresh out.

miztris,

Nothing wrong with a good groping.

olives,

I am writing this on an index card until I can commit it to memory.

fringes,

Really? I don't know.

 
At 1:16 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I never get proposals or propositions on the Internet, unless you count the many offers to make my penis bigger, harder and more irresistible to women.

I have to keep checking to see if they know something I don't about me.

 
At 1:31 PM, Anonymous Karmyn R said...

Well, if he looks anything like Tiki Barber, I say "go for it!"

At least you didn't let him down in front of a million basketball fans!!!

 
At 2:00 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

Are you proposing to me? I find your large penis irresistable.

karmyn,

My local team is the Hawks. They don't have a million fans.

 
At 2:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mist, at least I know now what an acceptable price tag is. Now I just have to go figure out how to pay it. *eg*

 
At 2:40 PM, Anonymous Dallas DysFUNction said...

What happened to marrying me for Convenience? Sigh, It's always about the sex.

 
At 2:45 PM, Blogger C said...

Poor thing. That would be a terrible name to have.

 
At 2:52 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

I accept shoes.

dallas,

I've always believed in marrying for inconvenience.

c,

I thought growing up with the name Mist 1 was hard.

 
At 3:11 PM, Blogger The Assimilated Negro said...

jeez,
what can i say?
shouted by mist1
a tease
but making my day
seems she wants to play
with The A
Negro in charge
we're both funny
could hold it down like homer and marge
but y'all 'Mos need to back off
watch me get this rap off
while y'all thirst and leave comments
before you go jackoff
like she stripped on a pole
and put her tits on a roll
kind of absurd
its just words
and a fish in a bowl
meanwhile
i freestyle
on some ideal man sh*t
fairmaiden thinks i'm hot
and my blogging is tantric
the rest of y'all is not
might as well be posting in sanskrit
while i get dough on freelance shit
my ego clogging your bandwidth
fringes stays hating
i should be one of her crushes
but i don't mind waiting
while i'm smoking these dutches
mist escaping my clutches
but just for a sec
til i spilled
these rhyme skills
got the panties all wet
i'm willing to bet
y'all willing to sweat
fret and open your mouth
blah blah blahniks
have her leaving the house
but i don't leave any doubts
while i get off the blouse
have her rubbing/kneading her mouse
have her leaving the south
needing an out
so she can get back in
with the man TAN
my words fly in the wind
only got two friends
named vodka and gin
every day they see me die and begin
this ain't all that
my back still got skin
on some wu tang
aww yeah again and again
so who is he?
like an online diddy
feel the hop
my blogspot
got a hot new ditty
laptops in the dirty
up to new york city
all say TAN's the shit
other blogs are shitty
i like the girls who talk smart
and keep their blogs real pretty
i'm through the door
and four
go manicure their kitty
i got the nerve to get witty
and bang shots like fiddy
its the man
the brand
named TAN
now who's with me????

ok ... i have to go sleep now, i'll be back for backlash and to post more pedestrian comments after the nap ...

HOLLA!

oh also, Mist, I think you "missed" S.A.F. in your responses. Do I have to do everything around here?

 
At 3:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mist, I'd propose, but my last name is "Chances"

I just couldn't do that to you.

 
At 3:52 PM, Blogger The Assimilated Negro said...

i couldn't sleep. Felt i had to caveat and make sure no offense is really taken. it's just the nature of the beast, and my delirium. Of course you're all wonderful, and any friends of Mist are friends of mine. Especially the lady-friends, I told Mist there's always room on the tempur-pedic for all of you. even if I have to move, or watch, from the couch. Fellas, there might not actually be room on the tempur-pedic for you guys. But I'm down for football on Sundays. Go Giants! And ultimately, mist and i are gonna have a serious talk this eve, and most likely I'll be all moved out by tomorrow.

 
At 4:05 PM, Blogger Ranger Tom said...

This weekend marked in my calandar, make sure you take off Monday & Tuesday to recover...

 
At 4:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love the site, especially flying KKKA and sleeping in your mother's frigid basement.

I'll definitely be back.

 
At 4:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love the site, especially flying KKKA and sleeping in your mother's frigid basement.

I'll definitely be back.

 
At 5:30 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

If I had one, it would be proportionate, ie small. It's probably a good thing I'm a girl.

So, no, Mist. I'm not proposing. But can we still be friends?

 
At 5:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe you should try Mist1-Negro. Initially, local southerners may be upset with you, but they'll get over it in time...

 
At 6:10 PM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

I'm so sad.

I was all ready to be the world's oldest living bridesmaid.

Won't you reconsider to make an old chick's dream come true?

 
At 6:29 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

tan,

And just like that, I am smitten all over again.

saf,

How could I have Mist you? Maybe I went off to look at some other blogs too.

gyuss,

Mist Chances sounds good. Do you have a friend with the last name Opportunity?

ranger,

Only two days?

debo,

Did you just call my mom frigid? Damn. That's cold.

Thanks for coming by.

hearts,

I can't believe you pulled the we can still be friends line on me. Next, you'll be telling me that it's not me it's you.

counselor,

I hadn't considered hyphenation.

pissy,

Okay. Since he writes poetry, I'll reconsider.

 
At 6:50 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Exactly. It's not me, it's you.

I have some Really Cool Shoes and we wear the same size. (But I never beg.)

 
At 7:05 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

It's always me. I'm comfortable with that. Let's talk more about those shoes since we are Just Friends.

 
At 7:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you have cold feet, and he has enough money for "life of shoes that you could get accustomed to", maybe you could consider fashionable lined boots until the wedding's over to keep the footsies warm?

 
At 7:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

no premarital sex? man... that might not work out (size doesn't matter you know). also you should definitely live with him first. He may have a lot of bad habits that you just can't live with.

 
At 7:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

no premarital sex? size doesn't matter you know

 
At 7:22 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

tug,

Lined boots are a great idea. I will need to go shopping.

rach,

Shoe size matters.

 
At 7:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can I be one of the bridesmaids?

By the way, YOUR GRANDMOTHER HAS E-MAIL????

I thought grandmothers only had canes and walkers and sipped on bottles of Geritol? Are you, like, 12 years old or something?

 
At 8:12 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

dan,

Grandma is very hip. She ran a campaign office out of her retirement apartment. She doesn't have a cell phone.

 
At 8:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LEGO PEOPLE!! I LOVE Lego people! I want a jar of their little heads!

 
At 8:13 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nihilistic,

I love the Lego people. I also like head. We have so much in common.

 
At 9:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I......

 
At 10:33 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

You waited too long to ask. I know. No need to say anything.

 
At 3:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, Mist...

I was just going to throw my hat into the ring...

Hear me out...

We get married, enjoy the tax breaks and all the fabulous gifts that we are sure to receive.

You get to have as many boyfriends as you want.

And so do I.

What do you say?

 
At 6:38 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

jester,

I do.

 
At 12:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

And I was so looking forward to my e-invite!

BTW, this is Crankster. I'm having a hard time getting on!

 
At 3:30 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

crank,

That's better than having a hard time getting off.

 
At 3:31 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

crank,

That's better than having a hard time getting off.

 
At 3:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry about the break up. I'll still send the engagement present because the shoes wouldn't have fit him anyway.

-velvet

 
At 6:11 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

velvet,

The shoes will ease my pain.

 
At 2:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, I'm engaged to another blogger - no cold feet yet! But since we are both already married (to men), figuring out the legal obstacles is taking some time.. Also, we have yet to agree on the pre-nup.

 
At 4:43 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

geni,

Maybe you should have affairs with your lawyers. You might get a discount.

 
At 6:06 PM, Blogger SabilaK said...

Gosh darnit, I'm not even getting the blog proposals! No wonder my mom hates me.

 
At 6:26 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

sabilak,

Have you tried blogging about your panties? It seems to work for me.

 

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ABOUT ME
Name: Mist1
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