My Next Ex-Husband
I've accepted marriage proposals from my blog before. Unfortunately, it didn't work out. My groom-to-be ran off and has not returned. I am not bitter. I wish him no immediate bodily harm and I still link to his blog.
Recently, The Assimilated Negro proposed to me. In fairness, I didn't read the post, but it was about public proposals and since everything is about me, I assumed that this was his proposal. I have accepted.
Upon my acceptance, TAN sent me an email in which he referred to me as his betrothed. That's how I know this is serious. I have forwarded this email to my mother, my grandmother, my neighbor, my Ex, the guy I've been sleeping with, my mail carrier and anyone else to needs to know that I am Off The Market.
I know that it will be hard for TAN to leave his beloved New York and join me here in the Dirty South. I hope that he cooks. I also hope that he understands that I will spend all of his hard earned money on shoes. I appreciate his sacrifice for me and in return, I am willing to sit here and look pretty for a few more years.
This is all so sudden. There are so many decisions to be made. What are our colors? What will be our first dance? I've got to think about my Maid of Honor and sample a variety of cakes. Then, there's the honeymoon. I'm thinking Aruba.
All this stress is giving me cold feet. How can I marry him when we haven't even had premarital sex?
I've been practicing signing his last name after my name. I usually do this on a first date. I usually don't get a second date. I hope that TAN is not a conventional man. I don't want to offend him by keeping 1, my maiden name. But, I simply cannot go through life as Mist Negro. I think The Missed Negro is a book of poetry by Langston Hughes and is therefore probably trademarked and copyrighted.
TAN, I'm sorry. I have to consider my future.
Can I keep the ring?