My Next Ex-Husband
I've accepted marriage proposals from my blog before. Unfortunately, it didn't work out. My groom-to-be ran off and has not returned. I am not bitter. I wish him no immediate bodily harm and I still link to his blog.
Recently, The Assimilated Negro proposed to me. In fairness, I didn't read the post, but it was about public proposals and since everything is about me, I assumed that this was his proposal. I have accepted.
Upon my acceptance, TAN sent me an email in which he referred to me as his betrothed. That's how I know this is serious. I have forwarded this email to my mother, my grandmother, my neighbor, my Ex, the guy I've been sleeping with, my mail carrier and anyone else to needs to know that I am Off The Market.
I know that it will be hard for TAN to leave his beloved New York and join me here in the Dirty South. I hope that he cooks. I also hope that he understands that I will spend all of his hard earned money on shoes. I appreciate his sacrifice for me and in return, I am willing to sit here and look pretty for a few more years.
This is all so sudden. There are so many decisions to be made. What are our colors? What will be our first dance? I've got to think about my Maid of Honor and sample a variety of cakes. Then, there's the honeymoon. I'm thinking Aruba.
All this stress is giving me cold feet. How can I marry him when we haven't even had premarital sex?
I've been practicing signing his last name after my name. I usually do this on a first date. I usually don't get a second date. I hope that TAN is not a conventional man. I don't want to offend him by keeping 1, my maiden name. But, I simply cannot go through life as Mist Negro. I think The Missed Negro is a book of poetry by Langston Hughes and is therefore probably trademarked and copyrighted.
TAN, I'm sorry. I have to consider my future.
Can I keep the ring?
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:52 AM
89 Comments:
Mist, I am already married, so I can't really propose anything indecent. Wait. Okay..let me go on. What I will volunteer myself as is the ring bearer. That and entertainment at the bachelorette party. Stop smirking. Think hard about this before turning me down.
I don't know nuthin' about no marriage proposal, but I do know you have LEGO minifigs right there, and that makes you better than okay in my book. here's why.
If it doesn't work out with TAN, maybe we can have a torrid affair of our own. I think I'm free next Thursday...
Ian
Do I need to return the (insert name of expensive designer high heels here)shoes I got you as a wedding gift?
I'll hook you up with Regis ;-)
It's your lucky day! I'm a bonafide Internet reverend so I can preform the ceremony making it all legal like. I'll waive my typical fee in exchange for letting me eat my body weight in those little wedding butter mints.
Mist 1, honey, you must learn to use up your financiers - err - fiances.
Can I be you first future ex-wife? I promise I won't ask for spousal support.
-N
stewart,
I was really hoping for an indecent proposal here.
ian,
Call me Wednesday night.
michael,
Don't return the shoes. They are size 6.5 right?
bice,
Show me your credentials.
archie,
That's what I'm trying to do.
natalia,
I don't look good in a tux. We can't get married.
You wish him no immediate bodily harm. But what about in the future. Will you be looking to harm his non-body?
Its good to see you're well prepared for this. Theres nothing worse than going to a wedding wearing the same outfit as someone else. Especially if your the bride.
You could be wife number 13. I can tell you that the health benefits are pretty good, but the retirement package has a few kinks in it.
Have you decided who gets the children? Jilly and I are barren, maybe we can cut a deal.
i never got that e-mail missy. It's cool if you didn't want me to know you were almost off the market ;)
A wise soul once told me, "If it's got tires or testicles, it's going to give you trouble."
Still, you can ride a both cars and husbands, so do what you gotta do, lady.
I'd volunteer for bridesmaid duty, but I wonder if my blue skin would clash with the gown??
Damn it I had a nice dress picked out and shoe to match!
But I'll be keeping the wedding gift.
If we got married, I could wear the tux. And then we could scare millions of ostrich-like Amurricans with our relationship and subsequent divorce.
Or maybe I need to get some sleep.
I'm available as a maid of honor. I have lots of experience. You know, "always a bridesmaid" and all.
Please reconsider and then consider me for the position of maid of honour - I need a new dress. And shoes. And I can do a mean aisle walk.
Puss
You shatter hearts left and right, heartless woman. At least have sex with the guy to ease his pain.
If Stewart gets to be the ring bearer, then may I be the flower girl? I would rather the a candle-lighter, but the last time I did that, I caught the flowers next to the candles on fire. No shit ! I really did. There are pictures.
I'll videotape the honeymoon for free, but I retain rights to all the footage.
You never know maybe TAN last name is Blahnik, check first, you don't want to make a terrible mistake!!
So my offer of a weekend of meaningless, gratutious sex is out of the question?
I wish I had proposals from the internet. I just get dirty pictures.
Crushed after the first paragraph, ecstatic by the end.
I'll up the bid for to be the next Ex by five pairs of shoes, a trip to the Grand Caymans, and a week in the Gulf on a sail boat. Oops, the indecent part. Hmmm. Tequila Body Shots?
Cold feet are not a bad thing - it means you can wear a size 6 in those Manolos...
Or you could get Uggs...
Hock the ring, buy shoes.
How about The Assimilated Mist?
The name thing would do it for me .. What would you be without the 1?
Well if you decide to go through with it .. I am free on the 17th.. You do need someone to get the family all liquored up right ??
And here I was hoping to be your very first extra-marital affair!
if you change you mind and decide to get married, well now or ever for that matter, can i taste the cakes for you? i'm really good at cake tasting.
(she exits thinking: now put a link on your danged sidebar, i'm tired of waiting. i mean i have other cakes to taste too. sigh.... the more shoes they have the harder it is to get on their sidebar, i bet she thinks she is the only one with cakes)
My future ex-husband gave me cookie dough. He knows the way to my heart is through my food addiction.
Yes, I accept to be your Maiden of Honor. That's what you said isn't it? Besides, I can be your back up. TAN is hot.
I say you just have a branding ceremony of some sort, make your representative iron and scar each other's asses with a red hot poker...ahh jesus, did I type that out loud?
My husband proposed the old fashioned way. We got drunk on vodka martinis and ordered a diamond online.
Why not have him take YOUR last name?!
I'm jealous. No one ever proposes to me...especially not anyone on the internet. I can't even get my real-life boyfriend to propose. I'm going to die alone with my virtual cats.
Oh I would look LOVELY in teal taffeta - FYI
I've found it also matches the carpet in nearly all hotel rooms.
just live in sin, it's whole hell of alot easier than marriage, followed with divorce.
Mist One Negro sounds good. MON for short. MON TAN as a couple on the beach. It's all good. I say go for it.
Damn...thought we were gonna have to start addressing you as Mrs.
Good choice!
Peace
phishez,
I cannot speak about any non-bodily harm.
jack,
I have always wanted to be part of a harem.
slag,
Maybe you haven't seen my abs. I can't risk losing them. Do you want my cat? He's been puking all morning, just like a baby.
kiyotoe,
You are my almost secret weapon.
123,
Tires and testes. Gotta remember that.
sqt,
I wouldn't put you in anything that didn't look good with the skin.
fab,
I would prefer to sleep with the UPS guy. Ooooh, those shorts...
shadow,
Was it a toaster? I need a new toaster.
alison,
Okay, as long as you wear the tux.
wg,
I'm never invited to be in the bridal party. I'm usually not even invited to the wedding.
puss,
Your aisle walk cannot be meaner than mine. It's my day.
lizza,
I hope he's not a torn up inside about this one. I mean, we really had something there for like 2.5 minutes.
swamp,
I'm not supposed to play with fire.
nwjr,
I've always wanted to be in movies.
vince,
I am so impressed with your shoe knowledge right now. Am speechless.
ranger,
We're on for this weekend. Promise me that it will mean nothing.
debbie,
Look, how many times do I have to apologize for sending you those pictures?
michael,
Never mess with a girl like that unless you mean it.
chick,
Keep talking Manolos to me and I'll propose to you.
cinders,
I am afraid that you all would start calling me the A$$ Mist for short.
mj,
I know. I really like having a number in my name.
av,
Hold on...fantasizing.
bee,
Please taste the cakes. I'm not into cake. Thanks for the reminder to update my links. Do I owe anyone else some linkage?
matt,
Yes, yes he is.
ddl,
All I can read from the cookie dough is that he can't cook.
maiden,
Naturally, I thought of you first, but I didn't want to send all the haters over to your blog.
furious,
No one's brand goes on this a$$. It would cover up my tattoo.
kelley,
That is so romantic.
tex,
Do people still do that? My parents thought about that. They even thought about combining names.
Thanks for coming by.
me,
I don't like to think of you surrounded by hundreds of virtual kitties.
fringes,
To be fair to TAN, he had no idea what he was getting himself into.
britt,
Most of my dresses look pretty good on hotel room floors.
yasamin,
We do that all over the country.
junk,
What does a condo in Sin go for?
icl,
MON TAN is a state here in the U.S.
odat,
No need for formalities.
Wait, when did I run off? I've been standing at this bloody altar for months, now.
saurabh,
This is awkward. I swear, it isn't what it looks like.
Tell you what -
You wear the Manolos
the 'chick will be down in front, Jimmy Choo's on her feet.
There might even be a little something Prada in it for you if you mention the 'chick on your Diva Radar....
I think it is your duty and obligation to cyber him at least once. He did get the ring right?
Of course, we all want a copy of said cyber session. (Doesn't that sound so '90's? I miss grunge.)
"Mist Tan" sounds good.
Nah - YOU would probably hear it as though someone were discussing your complexion and get a stinky attitude.
Here's the intention: Mist Tan - an Asian inspired smokey flavor. Like the mists on the jasmin on a Shanghai morning.
Never fu%*in' mind!
Well, hell.. I was just going to ask my shrink for more meds so I could attend the wedding.
you get marriage proprosals, I get groped by freaks at the bar.
life is so not fair. ;)
Good premarital sex is essential to a happy marriage. Smart girl.
chick,
Diva Radar will be enhanced this weekend.
ctw,
TAN doesn't cyber before marriage.
jali,
Are you trying to say that I need a tan?
furious,
If you have to ask, you can't afford my a$$.
skittles,
Get the meds. I am fresh out.
miztris,
Nothing wrong with a good groping.
olives,
I am writing this on an index card until I can commit it to memory.
fringes,
Really? I don't know.
I never get proposals or propositions on the Internet, unless you count the many offers to make my penis bigger, harder and more irresistible to women.
I have to keep checking to see if they know something I don't about me.
Well, if he looks anything like Tiki Barber, I say "go for it!"
At least you didn't let him down in front of a million basketball fans!!!
hearts,
Are you proposing to me? I find your large penis irresistable.
karmyn,
My local team is the Hawks. They don't have a million fans.
Mist, at least I know now what an acceptable price tag is. Now I just have to go figure out how to pay it. *eg*
What happened to marrying me for Convenience? Sigh, It's always about the sex.
Poor thing. That would be a terrible name to have.
michael,
I accept shoes.
dallas,
I've always believed in marrying for inconvenience.
c,
I thought growing up with the name Mist 1 was hard.
Mist, I'd propose, but my last name is "Chances"
I just couldn't do that to you.
i couldn't sleep. Felt i had to caveat and make sure no offense is really taken. it's just the nature of the beast, and my delirium. Of course you're all wonderful, and any friends of Mist are friends of mine. Especially the lady-friends, I told Mist there's always room on the tempur-pedic for all of you. even if I have to move, or watch, from the couch. Fellas, there might not actually be room on the tempur-pedic for you guys. But I'm down for football on Sundays. Go Giants! And ultimately, mist and i are gonna have a serious talk this eve, and most likely I'll be all moved out by tomorrow.
This weekend marked in my calandar, make sure you take off Monday & Tuesday to recover...
Love the site, especially flying KKKA and sleeping in your mother's frigid basement.
I'll definitely be back.
Love the site, especially flying KKKA and sleeping in your mother's frigid basement.
I'll definitely be back.
If I had one, it would be proportionate, ie small. It's probably a good thing I'm a girl.
So, no, Mist. I'm not proposing. But can we still be friends?
Maybe you should try Mist1-Negro. Initially, local southerners may be upset with you, but they'll get over it in time...
I'm so sad.
I was all ready to be the world's oldest living bridesmaid.
Won't you reconsider to make an old chick's dream come true?
tan,
And just like that, I am smitten all over again.
saf,
How could I have Mist you? Maybe I went off to look at some other blogs too.
gyuss,
Mist Chances sounds good. Do you have a friend with the last name Opportunity?
ranger,
Only two days?
debo,
Did you just call my mom frigid? Damn. That's cold.
Thanks for coming by.
hearts,
I can't believe you pulled the we can still be friends line on me. Next, you'll be telling me that it's not me it's you.
counselor,
I hadn't considered hyphenation.
pissy,
Okay. Since he writes poetry, I'll reconsider.
Exactly. It's not me, it's you.
I have some Really Cool Shoes and we wear the same size. (But I never beg.)
hearts,
It's always me. I'm comfortable with that. Let's talk more about those shoes since we are Just Friends.
If you have cold feet, and he has enough money for "life of shoes that you could get accustomed to", maybe you could consider fashionable lined boots until the wedding's over to keep the footsies warm?
no premarital sex? man... that might not work out (size doesn't matter you know). also you should definitely live with him first. He may have a lot of bad habits that you just can't live with.
no premarital sex? size doesn't matter you know
tug,
Lined boots are a great idea. I will need to go shopping.
rach,
Shoe size matters.
Can I be one of the bridesmaids?
By the way, YOUR GRANDMOTHER HAS E-MAIL????
I thought grandmothers only had canes and walkers and sipped on bottles of Geritol? Are you, like, 12 years old or something?
dan,
Grandma is very hip. She ran a campaign office out of her retirement apartment. She doesn't have a cell phone.
LEGO PEOPLE!! I LOVE Lego people! I want a jar of their little heads!
nihilistic,
I love the Lego people. I also like head. We have so much in common.
1
I......
0,
You waited too long to ask. I know. No need to say anything.
Actually, Mist...
I was just going to throw my hat into the ring...
Hear me out...
We get married, enjoy the tax breaks and all the fabulous gifts that we are sure to receive.
You get to have as many boyfriends as you want.
And so do I.
What do you say?
jester,
I do.
And I was so looking forward to my e-invite!
BTW, this is Crankster. I'm having a hard time getting on!
crank,
That's better than having a hard time getting off.
crank,
That's better than having a hard time getting off.
Sorry about the break up. I'll still send the engagement present because the shoes wouldn't have fit him anyway.
-velvet
velvet,
The shoes will ease my pain.
Hey, I'm engaged to another blogger - no cold feet yet! But since we are both already married (to men), figuring out the legal obstacles is taking some time.. Also, we have yet to agree on the pre-nup.
geni,
Maybe you should have affairs with your lawyers. You might get a discount.
Gosh darnit, I'm not even getting the blog proposals! No wonder my mom hates me.
sabilak,
Have you tried blogging about your panties? It seems to work for me.
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