To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Four Hours


I'm not much fun on a road trip. I can talk for hours, pausing only long enough to apply mascara. I cannot talk and apply mascara. My mouth gapes open in complete concentration and I am silent for a full minute.

When I'm in the car for an extended period of time, I start to think. I think about road kill. I cannot look away from it. When I spot a lump on the side of the road ahead, I start guessing what kind of animal it is. Usually, I guess that it is a marmot. I don't even know what a marmot is. I think every animal becomes a marmot once it is bloated and on the side of the highway. To make the game more exciting, I throw in exotic animals like badgers and wolverines. I don't know what a wolverine is either.

Thinking about all this stuff leaves me with lots of questions. Anyone unfortunate enough to be stuck in the car with me on long trips will be subjected to millions of random questions. I wish my car had voice activated Google on board. Then, I could find out the answers to my most pressing questions.

When I tire of this, I think about poetry. I compose and recite haikus. If I ever give this blogging thing up, I will probably write a book of poetry. Here is a sample of one of my gems:

Your dad creeps me out.

When we went through his garage

I saw kiddie porn.

Yesterday, as I drove home from Savannah, I discovered that it takes four hours of incessant talking to completely lose my voice.

I sound like a prepubescent boy. Someone will be receiving a disturbing phone sex call from me soon.

Mist 1



86 Comments:

At 7:21 PM, Blogger notfearingchange said...

Just don't drive and snort the splenda

 
At 7:28 PM, Blogger That's one clever little Yvonne said...

I was going to go to the art school in Savannah. It's been my dream to live there ever since. I'm a little jealous that you're that close to my dream dwelling.

 
At 7:30 PM, Blogger jennifer starfall said...

i read road-side signs out loud in a kindergarten-teacher voice during long car rides.

maybe we should start some kind of service, maybe for guys thinking about getting married, to help them fully understand what they were getting into. we could have them drive us around for hours, and then come with us while we went shoe shopping or bra shopping. i bet the divorce rate in this country would drop...

 
At 7:33 PM, Blogger goodthomas said...

Your posts just make me shake my head, with a HUGE smile on my face. I am in awe of what you do and that mind, that wit.

That's it. I have nothing more. Nothing to add.

 
At 7:36 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Now that sounds like a fun road trip. You should take one and then sell the journal of the trip. Call it Mist Exits...

 
At 7:38 PM, Blogger maximo said...

i hope it's me. oh i hope it's me. please let it be me.

 
At 7:44 PM, Blogger Dave said...

Opossums. Sad creatures splayed on the road. Did you know that sheep are pretty much the smartest road side animal? They are. You never see them as roadkill.

 
At 7:48 PM, Blogger Tug said...

Disturbing phone calls aren't always a bad thing. geez.

I don't look at road kill, but every discarded mattress, rug, bag is a dead body. Just so ya' know. My daughter & I used to always search out dead bodies. On the way to church.

 
At 7:58 PM, Blogger Brookelina said...

I googled marmot. Cause yes, I'm that pathetic.

By the way, did you know that some historians think that it was marmots, and not rats, that carried the Bubonic plague and killed like...gajillions of people? I think that the rats have a strong "pain and suffering" lawsuit here.

 
At 8:09 PM, Blogger Claudia said...

guessing road kill? sounds like fun. Just please don't ask to stop at the roadkill cafe.

 
At 8:26 PM, Blogger frannie said...

VOG- voice activated google- now that's what I'm talkin' about!!!

 
At 8:46 PM, Blogger Stan said...

OK, been gone a few days. I saw the 'hotel' movie. felt the same as you without the need to jump off a roof with pumps. As to the marmots, I absofuckinglutely love this golf course in Eastern Washington where you actually have to walk around the little critters and try not to hit then with your balls. They are great. happy to chat Mist...you can find my #.

 
At 9:18 PM, Blogger NeverEZme said...

Well I hope you don't see a dead wolverine in Michigan. It is the only one we have here!!!

 
At 9:42 PM, Blogger The CEO said...

1,
Me, me, call me, I never get any deep, husky young obscene phone calls that i don't know are from you, not that I'm not thrilled by your obscene phone calls mind you. It's just that I'm always purrinf after yours. I'm looking for a little shock value here.

 
At 9:44 PM, Blogger Churlita said...

I will be the first to buy your book of haikus. Yours sounded so familiar. Did you grow-up in my neighborhood?

 
At 10:04 PM, Anonymous Karmyn said...

You'd get along fabulously with my family then....

My parents were here to visit and about 1/2 mile from my house there was a dead animal in the ditch. We had to walk back down the road and identify it before anyone could sleep. (I thought it was a badger....turned out to be a racoon)

 
At 11:29 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

It's good to know that someone is bearing witness.

In TN, there were always dead dogs and cats in the road that apparently went unclaimed.

 
At 12:26 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

Good gracious, I hope that you had company for the ride. Four hours is a long time to be talking to yourself. ;)

-velvet

P.S. I love Savannah.

 
At 12:42 AM, Blogger EE said...

At least your not stopping and scooping up the road kill...I'd worry about you, if you did.
Love your haiku!!!

 
At 12:58 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

The questions I wouldn't mind, in fact I'd love to be spoken at as much as you could. But I would have to kill-you-dead once the poetry took full effect. Nothing personal ;)

 
At 2:13 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

I keep checking my phone. You have the number...

 
At 2:47 AM, Blogger Odat said...

I love the word marmot.....don't know why...
Nice haiku!!! hehe
Maybe I'll do a haiku on marmots!!!
Peace

 
At 3:02 AM, Blogger EsLocura said...

I think of road kill as art, dead art, working on my positive thinking.

 
At 3:25 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Oh that was you that rang at 4am, was it? Makes sense - I know the time difference is confusing.

Puss

 
At 4:58 AM, Blogger Pickled Olives said...

As I've gotten older, I've realized I like a lot of quiet in the car. Sorry, but, I'd have to abandon you at a pitstop.

 
At 5:05 AM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

hi mist. sarge and i look for "good" road kill too. we have seen some really good stuff on some of our trips. we keep score too. we have an emu, an elk, a cow, and i once even saw an upside down motor home so i counted it too...

smiles, bee

 
At 5:30 AM, Blogger Debbie said...

I hate long car trips. I get carsick.

 
At 5:47 AM, Anonymous Slick said...

"Somebody" is my codeword? Why don't you just ask for my number instead being all cryptic.

Ga is getting a messload of armidillos lately. That should be one of your guesses.

 
At 5:59 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Road kill. All part of our beautiful ecosystem.

 
At 5:59 AM, Blogger MJ said...

Most of us would consider ourselves lucky to be in the car with you .. Just look at all of them volunteering for disturbing phone sex with you !!

 
At 6:03 AM, Blogger Ryan said...

I hope you never give up blogging for numerous reasons.... one of the larger reasons - I'm not too sure if I would read your poetry all the time.

I'm not artistic enough.

 
At 6:06 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

I am an expert in Haikus.
That was a good kiddie porn-ku.

It has my approval.

 
At 6:07 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Hot damn! Do you have my number?

 
At 6:29 AM, Blogger Roadchick said...

Roadtrip with Mist1:

First to see a marmot wins

Roadkill bingo prize

 
At 6:30 AM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

When I was a prepubescent boy, my friend's dad kept all his porn locked in his gun cabinet. I never got the connection until years later.

 
At 6:45 AM, Blogger Cheetarah1980 said...

You are officially nuts. I suspected you weren't all there from the beginning. But now I know for sure. Certifiable.

 
At 6:45 AM, Blogger Mystic Wing said...

You've outdone yourself, lass. This is one of the funniest posts I've read in ages. Well done.

You should most definitely consider the book of poetry.

 
At 6:51 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nofear,

I don't need anything to make me any more hyper than I already am.

yvonne,

SCAD? I was just there.

jennifer,

I have been scaring men away from marriage for years. I can't believe that I never thought to charge a fee for this service.

thomas,

I am sure that you find my poetry riveting too.

michael,

You are invited to go on the road with me if you think that sounds like fun.

maximo,

You didn't answer.

Thanks for coming by.

dave,

Where I live, we drop the o and call them possums. We also eat them.

tug,

I thought I saw a few arms just a few feet from the road. We didn't pull over to check.

brook,

I knew someone would tell me what a marmot is.

claudia,

It is a great game.

frannie,

I know. Who's going to market it first?

stan,

Please take a picture of the marmot so that I can see them with my own eyes.

never,

I think I ran over it.

0,

I'm not sure that I'm deep and husky. I'm not even raspy. I'm just a little squeaky and pitchy.

churlita,

Yeah. Remember the dad that made all of us fuzzy navels when we were 12?

karmyn,

I would have guessed badger too.

hearts,

The dogs and cats upset me. Also the babies on the side of the road upset me.

velvet,

I am excellent company.

ee,

I have many latent talents. I am pretty sure that haiku is one of them.

orhan,

What do you have against the poetic arts?

fab,

Is your ringer on?

odat,

Marmot is fun to say.

es,

It can be very aesthetically pleasing, depending on how the little critter is all sprawled out.

puss,

You should have answered.

olives,

You are just like my parents.

bee,

You have emus?

debbie,

I thought I might get sick too, but then I remembered that it was just all the alcohol from the night before.

slick (a.k.a. Somebody),

I think I saw an armadillo, but I wasn't sure what it was doing outside of TX.

matt,

Ashes to ashes.

mj,

Clearly, the people who do travel with me are taking me for granted.

ryan,

You will learn to appreciate the arts.

nolff,

Thank you. I thought you would like that.

av,

Is it still the 800 number?

chick,

I'm in. That sounds like a good time.

blitz,

I know your friend's dad. He's my uncle.

cheet,

Was it the marmot part that clued you in?

mystic,

I want to do a reading of my poetry when my voice comes back.

 
At 7:05 AM, Blogger * (asterisk) said...

Classy haiku, Mist.
I sometimes see badgers as
roadkill in England.

 
At 7:23 AM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

was that you with the raspy whispering last night????

I knew it!

 
At 7:28 AM, Blogger Reba said...

I almost hit a cow once. I was driving on a dark gravel road and I was too busy watching for potholes that I totally missed this big ass cow. In my defense it was dark and the cow was black.

 
At 7:48 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

*,

Thanks for playing along. You scored points.

kiyotoe,

Shhhh. Don't tell anyone.

reba,

That cow should have been wearing reflective fur.

 
At 7:56 AM, Blogger Yasamin said...

mist1mist1 what the hell's a marmot? mist1mist1 do i turn left here? mist1mist1 did i just miss my exit?

 
At 8:01 AM, Blogger tallulah said...

Love the haiku.

 
At 8:04 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

It's a 900 number now, actually.

 
At 8:07 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

Thanks for the invite! Can I bring my Bee Gees collection?

 
At 8:25 AM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

Were you talking to yourself all four hours?

p.s. I tried to leave a comment last night, but blogger wouldn't let me! :(

 
At 8:26 AM, Blogger jali said...

Stop talking about me!!!!

 
At 8:34 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

it seems to me that your friend's dad would really appreciate that. :)

 
At 8:40 AM, Blogger fringes said...

What was in Savannah that was worth driving four hours? I'm sure there is a Super Target where you live.

 
At 8:47 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Yeah, I stare at the lump in/on side of the road until I am CERTAIN it is an animal and then I quickly look away when it is.

 
At 9:07 AM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

Will you be role playing a prepubescent boy during the sex phone call?

I keep thinking of Bobby Brady and how his voice changed on that one Brady Bunch episode: "It's time to change/It's time to rearrange..."

I daresay I could out-dumb-thought you on a road trip.

 
At 9:17 AM, Blogger karma lennon said...

You really lost your voice on the drive home from Savannah? Tsk, tsk. It takes me so much longer than that to lose my voice and on my drive from Savannah I was reading books aloud and screaming naughty things at other drivers. ;)

 
At 9:31 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

yasamin,

Did you have a hidden camera in the car?

tallulah,

Thank you. I have a gift.

av,

How much per minute?

michael,

Only if you are driving. If I'm driving, I'm the dj.

pissy,

Even when I am talking to other people, it is usually for my own benefit. I really like talking for my health.

jali,

Are you a marmot?

miztris,

I would send it to him, but I think he's spending a little time in prison.

fringes,

Bloggers and liquor were worth the drive. More posts to follow.

scotts,

I cannot stop myself.

jocelyn,

I sound just like Bobby.

karma,

I have a delicate voice.

 
At 9:33 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

you either need shitloads of therapy or big bong hits to get that mind right of yours...or start making some art

 
At 10:05 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Usually $4.99, but for you, free.

 
At 10:10 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

furious,

My therapist and I do bong hits all the time. It's not helping.

av,

You are practically a saint. I feel so VIP.

 
At 10:22 AM, Blogger Comedy + said...

Please write a blow-by-blow on the phone sex call. That would be loads of fun. Have a great Tuesday.

 
At 11:06 AM, Blogger Queen of Dysfunction said...

You went to Savannah? I. Am. So. Jealous. Savannah is my favorite place on earth.

...but I have no experience with mascara so I can't relate on that note. Although you are the first person I have ever read who was able to make the leap from mascara to marmots.

 
At 11:20 AM, Blogger Dallas DYSfunction said...

I'll be awaiting you call... I'll even light candles.

 
At 11:39 AM, Anonymous bice said...

"... disturbing phone sex call..."

I'm counting on it. Make sure you're wearing stilettos.

 
At 11:49 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

comedy,

It should really be an audio post. I don't know how to do that.

qofd,

I make many leaps per post. It's the way my brain works.

dallas,

You are such a romantic.

bice,

I can't decide which shoes look best with my phone.

 
At 12:39 PM, Blogger Tammie Jean said...

You know what I hate about road kill? I mean besides the obvious? When you drive by it, and the wind makes the tail twitch. I always think it's still alive a little.

 
At 12:48 PM, Blogger Sebastien said...

Wolverines and marmots... hmmm, I know I see dead rabbits and quail, but finding a dead wolverine would be pretty cool. Maybe you can bring it home and experiment and bring it back to life. I dunno, if you're bored or something, it's just an idea...

 
At 1:13 PM, Blogger oneman said...

Killed a few wabbits and pigeons in my time. I normally go back and run them over a few times to make sure they are really dead (its more humane honestly).

Also hit a pheasent. When back collected it and sold it to the local butcher.

Strangest roadkill was on a trip to Kenya when we saw a hippo that had been hit by a truck. Neither survive. Took a few pictures, got back in the car and drove on.

 
At 1:14 PM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

Lady, it's my birthday. It's only fair I get the disturbing sex phone call.

I will settle for a slap on my bum.

 
At 1:44 PM, Anonymous littlewhiteliar said...

I had a friend once who was convinced that she was destined to find a dead body on the side of the road. She would forever scan. Antlers were a major issue. "Is that a hand?! No, antler. Okay."

 
At 1:49 PM, Blogger Arthur Dent said...

Oh! Pick me! Pick ME!

 
At 1:51 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

I think you are really onto something with that voice-activated Google thingy. That is pretty damn close to hands-free blogging - okay, not really. But sometimes you just wonder what something means or what is the national animal of Uzbecestan - or even how to spell Uzbecestan or whatever. You should patent that idea. Come to think of it, I might. Nevermind.

And another thing - are you doing this incessant talking to yourself or to others? Or imaginary others?

 
At 2:10 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

tammie,

That's the best part.

seb,

How will I know if it's a wolverine? I wouldn't know a wolverine from a badger. Are they like badgers?

oneman,

I try to get the pigeons, but they are a tease.

Thanks for coming by.

123,

Happy birthday. I'll have my people spank you.

liar,

I played that game too.

arthur,

Use your indoor voice.

cruiser,

The good people at Google have not returned my calls.

 
At 3:03 PM, Anonymous Trew Life Advice said...

Mist1, did you know that your blog is worth $149,603.10 dollars?

 
At 4:00 PM, Blogger James Burnett said...

Marmots, wolverines, and phone sex. You have some fascinating combinations.

 
At 5:35 PM, Blogger Jay said...

Hummunah hummanah!

 
At 5:38 PM, Blogger Todd said...

You could always combine the two and blog your poems. They're very pretty. If not that, then what about writing children's books?

As for my obligatory request for a phone call, can you wait till your voice goes back to normal? Thanks.

 
At 6:05 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

trew,

My blog is worth more than me?

james,

My mind works in Misterious ways.

jay,

I'm calling you next.

todd,

I have hardly talked at all. I am almost back to my normal self. I have a lot to say.

 
At 8:31 PM, Blogger La Cubana Gringa said...

In the very famous words of Paris Hilton: "That's hot."

 
At 7:05 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

lcg,

Paris and I can talk for hours about what's hot.

 
At 9:21 AM, Blogger Lyrically speaking said...

It's hard for me to ride in the car and put on lipstick let alone mascara. It's a disturbing Haiku but at least you're not afraid to tell the truth. I'm curious to know who will receive the phone sex :)

 
At 9:57 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

lyric,

I called Him, of course.

 
At 1:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I called you for morning phone sex and alls I gots was "I'm three minutes late for a confrence call!" I am waiting for the phone sex'ins Darlin...Now make with the dirty talk and bring the heat. We both know you've got the voice for it...most of the time.

 
At 1:23 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

anon,

I am so rude. You know I didn't mean it. What are you wearing?

 
At 7:08 PM, Blogger K said...

stop lying. you think about how poetry sucks and how much you hate it.

remind me to bring earplugs and mascara with me when we go on a roadtrip.

 
At 7:35 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

k,

Usually, I hate even my own poetry. But, sometimes I am magnificent.

 
At 1:08 PM, Blogger Nance said...

we were made to travel together. i fall asleep immediately after i ask, "are we there yet?" I ask it the moment we pull out of our street.

 
At 11:04 AM, Anonymous introspectre said...

One of my favorite pieces of my own haiku comes from my Break Up haiku:

how can I explain
my love for you is endless
now please go away

 
At 6:04 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

intro,

Thanks for playing along. That was beautiful.

 

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Name: Mist1
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