To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Thursday, March 22, 2007

First Dating


I am good at securing first dates. I never really want the second date to come. First dates are awkward, but wonderful. Second dates are obligatory.

I have lots of techniques of ruining the chances of a second date. I find that carrying a wedding dress in the trunk of my car usually works. I have the poor bastard walk me out to the car. After I stick my tongue down his throat and thank him for a wonderful evening, I tell him that I have something to show him. Usually, that works.

Sometimes, men need a little more persuasion. I have found that faking terminal illness is ineffectual. People will want to spend your last few weeks on this planet with you. Claiming an STD is no good either because you have to know his medical history. Telling a man with genital herpes that you are also afflicted is like saying, "We are perfect for one another. I accept you, oozing pustules and all. Let's spend the rest of our lives together, except during particularly painful outbreaks." Announcing that you have three sets of triplets at home is not a turn off either. It simply states that you are not opposed to sex.

First dating is hard. It has to be exciting and perfect and then end abruptly, shortly after the bar tab is paid. I am running out of excuses.

I take pity on my next first date. After witty conversation and drinks, I will take him home to watch The Crying Game. I will make a comment about how I simply must get to bed because I have my last pre-op appointment with the doctor who is finally going to give me the chance to get out of the body that I have been trapped in since birth. I should never admit this, but I have the same hair as the tranny in the movie. If I sit at just the right angle, this should really freak him out.

Mist 1


84 Comments:

At 10:27 PM, Blogger Churlita said...

The whole idea of dating makes me itch...Hey! maybe you could fake a severely contagious skin condition, or tell him you don't believe in oral sex. There. Now let me know that works.

 
At 10:47 PM, Blogger MXI said...

Second date??!!
Damn women been lying to me! I knew there had to be second dates....

 
At 11:06 PM, Blogger behindthecamera said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 11:07 PM, Blogger NWJR said...

Let's try this again (I hate the new blogger):

The key to avoiding a second date is to never have the first date.

(The key to avoiding second posts is to remember what the hell name you use to sign in)

 
At 11:09 PM, Blogger SQT said...

The wedding dress is a good technique. Anything needy usually runs a guy off fast. Freak out whenever he mentions another woman's name and tell him you need to know where he is at all times-- that should do it.

No, I've never run a man off. Really.

 
At 11:41 PM, Blogger Jim said...

Tell him about your out of body experience and invite him to take an IQ test for MENSA membership.

nwjr is right. It's easy not to have the first date unless he is a blind date.
But, like my kids tell me, "If you don't buy a lottery ticket you can't win the lottery."
..

 
At 11:54 PM, Blogger Curiosity.Killer said...

I'm lame. On my first dates, I size him up and dictate a psychological profile -- give him a peck on the cheek, run home and analyze to death whether he's good enough for the second date. If not, but he calls anyway, I say it'll be nice to be "friends". That usually works.

 
At 12:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wouldn't work on some of us. I'd probably try to pursuade you to you show me your hormone-inflated clitoris and tell you I've always liked men's bodies better but I just wish they hadn't grown up with male socialization and hey let's make out some more. Just to be like that.

Then again, you could combine this approach with some syrup of ipecac.

 
At 12:56 AM, Blogger The Freelance Cynic said...

Have you tried introducing him to your large collection of Mutilated and cut up fluffy animals? Complete with added rat gut?

 
At 2:58 AM, Blogger choochoo said...

you should tape the wedding dress thing and post it on your blog

 
At 3:21 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Oozing pustules make me hot.

 
At 4:15 AM, Blogger Brookelina said...

I don't like dating. Better to just have sex and then leave before the guy wakes up.

 
At 4:54 AM, Blogger Debbie said...

If I don't like the guy I'm on a date with and he won't go away, I just stick my finger up my nose and wiggle it around a bit. They usually run away at that point. It's never failed me.

 
At 5:02 AM, Blogger Pickled Olives said...

Bwaahahahaha. You are twisted in a good way.

 
At 5:21 AM, Blogger PaintingChef said...

I always found that a really severe case of the crazies worked. Slipping into a second, third, or fifteenth personality tended to make them a bit squeamish about a second date. Especially when they started fighting with each other.

Although the wedding dress idea... priceless.

I guess having him tell your shoes good-night could backfire if you happened to be on a date with someone who had a fetish.

 
At 5:26 AM, Blogger wreckless said...

A bout of late night insomnia left me watching some show in the middle of the night called "blind date" I think. They follow 2 people around and record their date. The funny part is the thought bubbles constantly appear showing what the other person may be thinking or with thoughts of the show's creators. I was laughing hysterically last night. Ever see it?
Oh and I am going to get the Crying Game my next rental.

 
At 5:44 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

I never really dated - this could be a nice challenge...hehe

 
At 6:03 AM, Blogger That's one clever little Yvonne said...

I generally just start avoiding their phone calls. For weeks I can't pick up any number I don't know until they figure it out. Ah dating.

 
At 6:05 AM, Blogger Ariel said...

It's helpful to end at your parents house because you "really feel the connection". Cry. Refer to him as "the one".

 
At 6:08 AM, Blogger speedwobble said...

Lots of ideas for getting out of a second date (I've found that having their phone number but not giving them mine is quite effective, or at lease cuts down on the hassle), but how do you get out of a bad first date in progress?

 
At 6:09 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

follow my two step process to repel them away...

1. pick your nose
2. eat booger

Of course this is totally ineffective if you are either naked or have an unstoppable rack.

 
At 6:21 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

I usually get drunk and talk about crotch and poo... like I always do.

 
At 6:26 AM, Blogger Matt said...

You should become a tiger.

...Or some other sort of alternative animal. What's your totem?

 
At 6:30 AM, Blogger Gucci Muse said...

About the nose picking, I had a digusting roomate who did that on a regular basis, and some of the men around her did not care...even when she was eating the slimy ones-her dad was an MD- gross

Anyway-just go on the date and cut them short- ie when you are done with date one, get up unexpectantly and tell them thanks and leave. They will figure it out. No need to get into it any further- works best when you are in a public place-your motto is, its all about you and they need to notice that right from the start. So go at it.

 
At 6:43 AM, Blogger jali said...

I am cracking the hell up! "If I sit at just the right angle, this should really freak him out."

everytime I read it I imagine you actually doing it. OMG - that was funny.

 
At 6:51 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

churlita,

I could pretend my jaw was wired shut.

mxi,

Crap. I can't believe I let that out.

nwjr,

No, no, no. First dating is excellent.

sqt,

You should teach a class.

jim,

I'd have to find someone who knows what MENSA is. I don't hang out in those circles.

curiosity,

I don't analyze. It's too much work.

anon,

Actually, that sounds pretty good. Now, where are my hormones?

cynic,

On a first date?

choo,

I spilled some motor oil on the wedding dress. I think I need a new one.

fav,

Yes, they are rather hot.

brooke,

Don't forget to go through his pockets.

debbie,

You know different men than I do. Usually, that makes them feel at home.

olives,

Thanks for noticing.

chef,

Blogging has taught me that lots of you have shoe and foot fetishes.

wreck,

Please, try not to think of me when you watch the movie.

cheeky,

I hope you have an open marriage.

yvonne,

I haven't found that to be successful.

ariel,

I love that idea. My parents live really far away. The 20 hour drive will be a good chance for us to connect.

speed,

I suggest leaving through the bathroom window.

furious,

I am frequently naked. I have an unstoppable ribcage.

nolff,

Were you hitting on me that night in Little 5 Points?

matt,

My power animal is a fish.

gucci,

Oh, the direct method. I suppose I could try that too.

 
At 6:52 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

jali,

You've seen me. You know it's true.

 
At 7:08 AM, Blogger Tiggerlane said...

Hmmm...and here I always thought sleeping with a guy on the first date was a sure-fire way to scare him to death.

 
At 7:31 AM, Blogger C said...

I wonder if the axe in my trunk has scared a few people away. I always thought it might be my driving that scares them off.

 
At 7:34 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

I would figure that asking them to open up and discuss their feelings about the first date would be enough.

I think that the wedding dress is a sure thing unless, of course, they think they've found "the one." Then you've got a real problem.

-velvet

 
At 7:44 AM, Blogger Alicia said...

You're only doing this in 2007, right Mist? Because you decided to get a real boyfriend in 2008...if I remember right.
Oozing pustules. Bleck.

 
At 7:49 AM, Blogger Mystic Wing said...

Oddly enough, my wife and I had some of the best sex in our lives after coming home from seeing The Crying Game.

Does that make us perverse?

 
At 7:55 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Don't be so confident. He might decide to experiment and think it's kinky.

 
At 7:57 AM, Blogger Mayren said...

gatta ask yourself why you punish yourself like this sweets...
I mean if you really wanted this kind of sick and twisted punishment you could just force yourself to like Prez.Dubya.

 
At 7:58 AM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

Damn woman. You make a brotha extremely afraid of ever having to get back into the dating game....

 
At 8:01 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

tigger,

Where do you live? How's the weather there? What about the real estate market?

c,

I'm not allowed to play with sharp things, otherwise, I would love to carry an axe.

velvet,

I'm not The One. I am Mist 1.

alicia,

First dating is not a boyfriend. It is a free dinner.

mystic,

I just don't know what to say to that. I am very conflicted inside right now.

av,

Experimentation is okay.

mayren,

I do like him. He teaches me new ways to use the English language.

 
At 8:01 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kiyotoe,

The game has changed.

 
At 8:02 AM, Anonymous andy said...

two words, miss-TAY,

tampon talk.

 
At 8:13 AM, Blogger La Cubana Gringa said...

For all you know, he's into trannies with oozing pustules and great hair...in which case you might want to show him what's in your trunk. (Umm...your car's trunk, not yours.)

 
At 8:22 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

andy,

You are brilliant. I am going to work the word flow into my vocabulary.

lcg,

Buying that dress was the best investment I've ever made.

 
At 8:45 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Awesome post Mist1.

That bar tab is being paid by the man right?

 
At 8:46 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

scotts,

Who else would pay it?

 
At 8:49 AM, Anonymous dallas dysfunction said...

You have hair like a tranny... You're so brillaint.

 
At 8:55 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

dallas,

I don't have an Adam's Apple or man hands if that's what you're insinuating.

 
At 9:00 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Excellent tactic. Might I also suggest playing The Kinks 'Lola' on the drive back to your place, and leaving copies of Transamerica, Tootsie and Yentl lying around your appartment?

Puss

 
At 9:00 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Just leave the animals out of it, okay?

 
At 9:11 AM, Blogger Dagromm said...

Just as you mention your affiliation with AMWAY and your desire to meet again to tell him all about how he can make more money and become his own boss then you will be safe from any future calls.

At least that would work with me.

Have a Wonderful,
Dagromm

 
At 9:19 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

Taking notes.

av,

You know you like animals.

dagromm,

Why didn't I think of that?

 
At 10:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My Mist. We are not pleased. I thought I'd have you self-editing by now.

 
At 10:13 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

That's what happens when I get drunk, Mist. I had reached that point.

...also, I thought that you were going to be a fat chick until I met you. I don't know why.

You're adorable though and I'd totally hit it... so the answer to your question: Yes.

 
At 10:19 AM, Blogger Pookie Sixx said...

Tampon talk doesn't always work either. I had one guy that I told I was having my period and that turned him on. So, be wary of that tactic too.

 
At 10:24 AM, Anonymous Kristyn said...

Hmm... you could tell him that you're going on a missionary trip to china and may never return... That might work, then again, it might sound like a blow off. Of course, if it sounds like a blow off, maybe he'll get the picture. :P

 
At 10:25 AM, Blogger booda baby said...

Oo ick. Too much work, second dates and once you're into seconds, then there are all those consecutive other numbers/fractions or whatever things like thirds and fourths are called. Ordinals? Cardinals? Some bird. Eventually, a second will land you, at least in my experience, in marriage and that, at least in my experience, is a total bitch to get out of.

I sort of wish I'd practiced saying: There are no seconds, no sequels, no future anythings. One shot. Make it good.

 
At 10:27 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

"The Crying Game" is one of my favorite movies ever. I'm guessing the similarity ends with his/her hair...?

The terminal illness ploy never worked for me. I was too appealing on my deathbed. Plus knowing they wouldn't have to deal with me longterm was an aphrodisiac.

Go with the wedding dress. The motor oil is a nice touch,and connotes longtime desperation. Lovely!

 
At 10:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

There are no free dinners around here anymore.

 
At 10:46 AM, Blogger The Stiltwalker said...

the 'I'm a lesbo' trick doesn't work either. It only leads to crotch licking questions. But anything marriage related is a sure nuff tactic. Works every time.

 
At 10:53 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

just watch. "trannys" will end up being his 'thing'. have you tried picking your nose and cracking out some SBDs at the end of the date? That should do the trick. :)

 
At 11:20 AM, Anonymous Slick said...

I'm with "sqt"...right before the date ends, let him know you need his home number, cell number, fax number, email address, messenger screen name, and in your case...mabye the "handle" he goes by on the CB radio.

That'll surely scare him off.

 
At 11:29 AM, Blogger * (asterisk) said...

Some men probably secretly like lady-boys, so that might not work.

Oh, and you need an excuse rolodex, as seen in Seinfeld once.

 
At 11:45 AM, Blogger Comedy + said...

Mist, you have the most interesting life. I would love to live next door and spy. Marriage on the first date?

I always liked the direct approach myself. Well, this has been about as much fun as watching two flies f***. Gotta go. Have a great life. But...that's me!

 
At 11:46 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

anon,

I have no inner editor.

nolff,

What about this blog would make you think that I am anything but adorable? I mean, except for The Crying Game reference?

pookie,

Now you're just trying to make me sick.

kristyn,

You can't say the word Missionary to a man. That's all he'll hear.

booda,

That last line sounds just like an Eminem lyric to me.

hearts,

The similarity ends with the hair.

anon,

How about booty calls? Are those out too?

stilt,

I made the mistake of trying the lesbian line. "Cool," was what he said.

miztris,

What is it with you people and nose picking? You all have fetishes.

slick,

SQT is pretty damn smart.

*,

Where can I get one of those?

 
At 11:47 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

comedy,

Fly porn is pretty hot.

 
At 12:51 PM, Blogger Nance said...

This just makes me glad I'm not out there anymore.

Sorry for the buzzkill.

 
At 12:55 PM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

Mist,Jaye Davidson,Mist,Jaye Davidson,Mist,Jaye Davidson....oh my brain is in a flat spin.

 
At 1:03 PM, Blogger tallulah said...

Dating sucks. You should really use that dress soon.

 
At 2:23 PM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

I'm not sure even the Crying Game excuse will work with every guy. For some, it just ups the stakes.

You can't get them to just sign a "one-night stand" agreement contract?

 
At 3:44 PM, Blogger Todd said...

"After I stick my tongue down his throat..."

I stopped reading after that. Sounds like a terrific first date.

 
At 4:17 PM, Blogger Brookelina said...

I can't believe you said that. Right after I hit publish I was like, "Damn! I forgot to mention going through his pockets!"

It's like we were separated at birth. Or at a bar. Whatever.

 
At 4:24 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nance,

It's very hard to kill my buzz.

blitz,

I know. It's the hair.

tallulah,

I used it to wipe up some motor oil.

jocelyn,

No legal documents.

todd,

I am a pretty good first date.

 
At 4:24 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

brooke,

Not only that, but we were leaving comments at the same time too.

 
At 4:46 PM, Blogger CP said...

The thought of it arouses me.

CP.

 
At 5:01 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

cp,

That was a particularly arousing post.

 
At 5:23 PM, Blogger notfearingchange said...

I told one guy that I was going to the club to meet friends after he got dinner and wine. He was welcome to come...we entered the club - didn't want to be rude afterall - i asked him...i hope you're okay with this place but most people are "on something"...he ended up having to hear the "life stories" of 10 of my friends and why i was great, and meet the other guy i was dating, and meet the best friends of my ex -

....i thought that would end it...but no...it seemed he liked me more *shrug* - I still do not understand how the male mind works.

 
At 5:56 PM, Blogger Sornie said...

This topic gave me some BAAAAAD flashbacks to an earlier time. I've had a doozy or three that I'd rather forget. What the hell was I thinking!

 
At 6:07 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nofear,

You should have talked about your ex and how you're still hung up on him. That usually works for me.

sornie,

I'm sure it's nothing a little hypnotherapy can't cure.

 
At 6:08 PM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

I love that movie!

...and now that you mention it, you do bear a slight resemblance to that tranny....or her hair anyway...

 
At 6:14 PM, Blogger Steph said...

Taking a guy out to where i hide the bodies usually does the trick.

 
At 6:16 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

pissy,

Don't you dare tell everyone how much I look like that tranny.

steph,

Do you chop them up first?

 
At 6:34 PM, Blogger Butchieboy said...

If a girl has a disease, you know she puts out, at least.

 
At 8:25 PM, Blogger EE said...

LMAO!

 
At 9:36 PM, Blogger Dorky Dad said...

Nice.

I was usually just thrilled to get a first date that I never bothered to ask for a second. It's a wonder I'm married.

 
At 10:14 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

butchie,

Good logic.

ee,

I'm sorry to hear about your a$$.

dorky,

You must have had some serious game.

 
At 6:55 PM, Blogger Trundling Grunt said...

Have you tried crabs or morning sickness - I hear they are good passion killers.

 
At 7:50 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

grunt,

I like crab. I even like imitation crab.

 

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