To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007


I used to have the perfect couch. It was a pale sage green and the fabric was soft and stayed cool when I napped. It even absorbed drool without leaving a mark.

Everyone who came to my home fell asleep on my couch. I didn't mind; I liked that my couch had that effect on people. I also liked the change, lighters, and other assorted surprises that were left behind in the cushions.

One day, I noticed that the couch was sagging in the middle. I am not going to blame this on my 400 pound cat nanny, I am just going to say that it is awfully coincidental that my couch started sagging at the time that I started leaving the 400 pound cat nanny in charge when I was away from home for the weekend. Soon, it was impossible to sit on it without leaning toward the center. Then, there was the time that I fell asleep with a pen in my hand and continued to write even in my sleep, in blue ink on one of the cushions. The fact that I kept writing in my sleep is not surprising. I sleep-write a lot. It's amusing. I bring it with me to my therapy appointments. So far, it has not merited medication, but one day, I know it will pay off.

It took me months to buy my new couch. I sat on every couch in every showroom in the metro area. The sales associates would not let me remove my pants to really test the comfort level of the couches. I don't wear pants at home and so this made the decision considerably more difficult.

What I really wanted was my old couch to be new again. I settled for another green couch and a chair and a half. It seemed like a good f*cking chair; a little to big for one person, but just perfect for two people who wanted to get to know each other a little more intimately. As of yet, the chair and a half is a virgin. I've been living with my new couch for months now and it is still not right. There are too many pillows. It's too plump, too firm, and I cannot get comfortable.

Jamie came over last night for wine and conversation and wine. She took off her shoes and put her feet on my couch. Her feet smelled a bit like roadkill. I retched and reached for the Febreze. She looked offended. "Mist, you put your a$$ on this couch," she said. For the record, my a$$ does not smell like roadkill and hence, her argument was pointless.

I want to do a commercial for Febreze. I want to hold the bottle up to my face and inhale it's laundry fresh scent. I will turn to the camera with a smile and say, "Febreze; because I put my a$$ on the couch."

Mist 1

Update: It turns out that I'm also over at Britt's place today.


At 9:26 PM, Blogger EE said...

When we had our chair and a half...the whole family ignored the couch, and always seemed to wind up in the chair.
I think you need to jump up and down on the couch periodically to break it in...I can even send my kids over if it will help!

At 9:31 PM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

My friend, Scott, said my feet smell like dead babies. It hurt my feelings, but in the middle of August, I had to agree with him.

Got any Febreze left?

At 9:48 PM, Anonymous Karmyn said...

There is nothing worse than not having a comfortable couch.

When I got my first apartment, my parents gave me their old 70's Burnt orange squishy couches (because they bought new furniture when I left). I LOVED those comfy couches. I left them with a roommate when I married. I have never found any that matched them. (either in color or comfort level)

At 10:01 PM, Blogger Churlita said...

How sad about your couch. I think you should film your commercial and send it to Febreze. They'd be out of their minds not to use it. They may want you to see your a$$, though. Would that be a problem?

At 11:26 PM, Blogger notfearingchange said...

really sales people did not want you to take your pants off! What were they thinking?

When i got my new couch - my bed became abandoned....i like the couch.

At 11:55 PM, Blogger SQT said...

It's the lack of drool on the new chair. Does your 400lb cat nanny by chance drool? That could really help a lot.

At 2:52 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

For those of you who do not know you like I do, your ass smells divine.

At 4:08 AM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

I learned my lesson when the loving wife and I went looking for new beds. We never got under the sheets and gave it a good rocking before buying it.

Now I can't keep my concentration on the job at hand (well, not hand)because of all the hardware noise when the frame swings like a hammock. It's a piece of crap.

At 4:26 AM, Blogger Brookelina said...

I have a sage green couch that everyone falls asleep on. I also put my ass on it. It's like we're twins.

At 4:30 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

You can smell your own ass?

At 5:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My couch started sagging and I bought pillow to put under the cushions to prop them up. Ghetto'ish, yes...but I love my couch that much. It's huge and comfy and I refuse to give up on it.

I Febreeze it daily.

At 5:24 AM, Blogger Michael Thomas said...

Sweet Post!

At 5:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your commmercial is a guaranteed success. Gtg

At 5:42 AM, Blogger Gucci Muse said...

Do you still think they will accept you for a commercial, because the bare A$$ visual also imparts the bare crotch visual since one usually does not go without the other.

At 5:46 AM, Blogger Lizza said...

Get the cat nanny to sit on the couch for short periods of time. Just make sure her a$$ doesn't drool.

At 5:46 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

I had to stop buying febreze because I think my teenage daughter was misting it and inhaling it like you. One bottle at a time. Either that or she felt the basement furniture smelled funky.

At 6:14 AM, Blogger Reba said...

I have leather couches. The drool just wipes right off. So do the foot and ass smells.

At 6:17 AM, Blogger Pickled Olives said...

My friends dad would blow SBDs into the couch for hours while he watched tv. If you forgot this when he wasn't there, and you sat down on the couch near his spot - you would get a nausiating bouquet of old man SBDs. There was no febreeze back then either.

At 6:22 AM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

why wouldn't the salesman let you take off your pants to try out the couch? that is discrimination honey. you should do something about that i think. seriously...

smiles, bee

At 6:22 AM, Blogger PaintingChef said...

The Febreeze marketing department is missing out on a golden opportunity.

Two, actually... I febreeze my dog in between baths.

At 6:34 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

A good couch is sooo hard to find. I don't like my couch that much. It's tragic.

You could wear a flowy short skirt to the furniture showroom and just not tuck it under you when you sit down. ;)


At 6:45 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Did you sleep-write this? Not bad....

At 6:56 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I'm really good with children. That sounds like fun.


Dead bunnies are still pretty cute.


I think everyone can remember the couch that got away.


I'm pretty pleased with my a$$. You should see the right cheek. Amazing.


I started sleeping in my bed when I got the new couch.


The cat nanny is not allowed to spend the night on the couch anymore.


Thank you. I've been trying to tell these people that.


I bet you'll never take home a bed without testing out again.


I want my couch back.


Am very flexible.


Why didn't you tell me about the pillow trick before?


I'll have to reread it. I don't remember a word.


I know. That's what I was thinking too.


I have never found that showing my crotch has hurt my chances at fame.




She was huffing it. All the kids do it now. I saw it on Dateline.


I almost went with leather. But, then I started wondering how many cows it was made of.


What did people do before Febreeze?


Well, they did let me take off my pants in the back room. They said that they thought my a$$ would be compatible with several of the couches in the showroom.


That really makes me laugh.




Yes. I am dead tired today. I'm taking a nap now.

At 7:23 AM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

It sounds to me like you deserve a weekend away. Leave specific instructions for the cat nanny to sit only in the chair & a half. Then that chair will be all broken in. Spritz that Febreeze all around and life will be good. And one more thing - don't have Jamie over again without spritzing her feet with that stuff.

At 8:00 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

You've jumped to #1 on my list now. You were #2.

At 8:01 AM, Blogger jali said...

I'll put in a good word for you if asked. Febreeze executives just might be at the bar where I hang out this weekend. I won't forget!

At 8:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah, it'll never be the same again. The same softness, the same grooves, the same feel against your bum. The new can never replace the old, the first true love.

(And I am very late in responding to yesterday, but that was a very funny post. Very funny stuff, as always. I say you clip that pedometer to HIM -- let him work off some calaries, that will do more for you in getting a workout in return.)

At 8:03 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Suddenly, the offer to sleep on your couch is a whole lot less appetising...


At 8:23 AM, Blogger Jim said...

Your couch post brought back memories of a former life. Sooooo good! I can't blog about those, maybe a time capsule would work.

At 8:26 AM, Blogger Mayren said...

Febreze is like a miracle drug for
odors. They even make special Febreze Air Fresheners that work well too. Febreze is great in the car. I wanna support your wish to be in a Febreze commerical Mist1.

At 8:35 AM, Blogger Ryan said...

I read most of your post and thought it was great.

Also, because of my dyslexia, I accidently read couch to be crotch for the first half of your post...

It's still really good even if you don't have the perfect couch.

At 8:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i've searched for years for a drool-absorbing-leave-no-mark couch. where'd you get it?

At 8:40 AM, Blogger Dagromm said...

I need a good f*cking chair. I can't say that I've ever owned one. Do you think Herman Miller makes one?
I'm also curious whether your chair is feeling peer pressure from the other furniture about still being a virgin. Does it feel like it's the only one?

Please Be Good,

At 8:40 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Jamie needs to soak her feet in bleach for a week.


I don't wear tiaras, but I will happily attend any ceremony there may be for this honor.


Which bar do you hang out in?


You understand what I'm going through. We should start a support group. We'd need really comfortable couches.


The Febreze worked wonders.


I have been on time capsules for a little while, but so far, nothing. Maybe they're placebos.


Have the Febreze people draft up a contract.


I do have a perfect crotch.

At 8:43 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I dated a man who owned a furniture store. And by dated, I mean that I tried out his furniture. We're through and he's out of business. Coincidence?


I tell my chair that I respect it and that I will wait. Then, the couch and I mess around.

At 9:04 AM, Blogger Jim said...

Mist, this particular timecapsule will last forever with me. I just can't share it. Maybe another has it too, I don't know and can't ask!

At 9:12 AM, Blogger Alicia said...

It even absorbed drool without leaving a mark.

Oh, my. It so happens that the mister and I are shopping for new furniture. I'm a drooler, you see. We previously purchased Micro-suede couches because of their stain-blocking powers. I myself being a drooler, and the 2 children being small children...
It was a ruse.
I've never heard of a sales-person lying to a customer before, but the more I researched it the more I learned that it is common practice, especially at car dealerships.
Who knew?

At 9:26 AM, Anonymous Slick said...

Yes Mist, but given your reputation, one also has to wonder where else your a$$ has been.

I for one, would love to see a commercial involving you, Febreze, and your a$$. But then, I'm perverted.

At 9:30 AM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

Howzabout wrangling that cat nanny to come sit on each section of your couch, equally, to give it a general spring breaking?

And I know that one day in the future, there will be a great post about how your chair-and-a-half lost its virginity. I just hope that story doesn't involve Febreze.

At 9:33 AM, Blogger you'dneverguess said...

A 400 pound cat nanny sounds like trouble. Did you end up with missing cats, either through squashing or eating?

I don't like my couch, and come to think of it, we've NEVER had a brand new one. Maybe time.

Fresh linen Febreze is what I use. Husband calls it Free Breeze.

At 9:35 AM, Anonymous themuttprincess said...

When a good couch goes bad. I feel for you.

Febreeze is the best!!!!

At 9:36 AM, Blogger Tug said...

My couch sucks. But I did find a nice chair and a half...for $40, & THEY moved it up 3 flights to my apt. for me. heh

At 9:37 AM, Blogger eyechan said...

haha! i love that you sleep-write:) my nan, fast approaching senility, once mistook febreze for window cleaner and febrezed all the windows of our house. a right mess it was!

At 9:56 AM, Blogger Comedy + said...

Hi Mist1...Yuk...feet smelling like road kill? You are so funny. Is your life really this humerous? See you tomorrow.

At 9:58 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

There's a ceremony, but it's clothing optional. Tiaras and handcuffs are mandatory.

At 10:12 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Sounds like a good story.


Did you get the special sealing finish? Can I interest you in an extended warranty.


I am perfect for the job.


My chair and I are waiting for someone special.


I've never asked if the cat nanny eats pussy.


Couches gone bad sounds like it should be an I-Team report. Or Couches Gone Wild.


$40? Suddenly, I feel like I paid too much.


I have thought about posting excerpts of my sleep manifestos here. Maybe I will.

Thanks for coming by.


My world is ridiculously funny.


I'll wear the cuffs, you wear the tiara. This hair doesn't do tiaras.

At 10:30 AM, Blogger Curiosity.Killer said...

I love 1.5 couches, especially when I don't have other comfy couches around - I'm certain you can relate how easily my date(s) and I bond. It's the best thing in a bachelorette's apartment. Next to B.O.B.

At 10:50 AM, Blogger Butchieboy said...

When I smell Febreeze, I just think: something that used to smell bad.

At 10:54 AM, Blogger booda baby said...

Since they've started doing serial commercials, when your luster as presenter's worn off, you are welcome to recommend my A. Same tag line. He has permanently perfumed our nice down cushions. We have few choices left to us. It's either Febreze or fire.

Does an A$$ make change?

At 10:55 AM, Blogger you'dneverguess said...

Mist, you are a very, very funny lady. I almost spit out my water.

At 10:55 AM, Blogger you'dneverguess said...

Mist, you are a very, very funny lady. I almost spit out my water.

At 11:32 AM, Blogger Sebastien said...

Febreze is not a comfort... and finding the right couch is difficult, most couches wake up at night and steal your food.

At 11:42 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I need to spend more time in the chair.5.


You are supposed to be fooling yourself with the scent of fresh rain or crisp linen.


My a$$ can make change.


Better to spit out water than wine.


You need to put your couch in check.

At 12:46 PM, Blogger Avitable said...

I'm up for that.

At 1:18 PM, Anonymous littlewhiteliar said...

A guy I knew in college had a really smelly clothes hamper. Yes, he was an athlete, and yes, he still should have been able to work something out. Anyway, he used to Febreze his whole hamper through the holes. Then one time he found a decomposed mouse in there, smelling like laundry. I submit an alternate campaign ad: "Febreze: You COULD postpone the burial, but please don't."

At 1:47 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I'm down for it.


I hate when I find decomposing bodies in my stuff. I'll send the good folks at Febreze your contact information.

Thanks for coming by.

At 3:09 PM, Blogger Steven Novak said...

That would get me to buy Fabreze. ;)


At 4:02 PM, Blogger Lee said...

I would like to submit that my feet hardly ever smell bad and I often wear those cute little socks with the lil fuzzy ball on the back.

I'm terribly cute, especially after wine.

At 4:09 PM, Anonymous swampwitch said...

Nothing worse than a sagging couch that smells like roadkill. And maybe you need to stop snorting Febreze

At 4:14 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Febreze paid me to write this post.


They still make those socks? Have there been no updates in sock fashion?

At 4:15 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I can't get off the Febreze. I have tried.

At 5:22 PM, Blogger * (asterisk) said...

Maybe you need to invite the cat nanny around to break in the new couch...?

At 6:19 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I don't want to break the new couch. I want to break in the new couch. World of difference.

At 6:23 PM, Blogger Princess of the Universe said...

If you sleep write about marrying your father and killing your mother you'll be in the good drugs for sure...especially if your therapist is Freudian- they're suckers for the classics!

At 6:29 PM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

I could SO see you doing that commercial.

Sell it! ;-)

At 6:48 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I've already worked through my family issues in therapy. Even that part where I didn't get a pony.


I expect to be handsomely compensated for my product endorsement.

At 7:29 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

I bet you'd sell a lot of it! I do mean that as a compliment of course.

At 7:36 PM, Blogger Todd said...

Okay, now I you've piqued my interest and I want to see your drunk girlish figure in heels.

At 9:09 PM, Blogger Dorky Dad said...

You have a cat nanny? Wow. You're way better to your cats than I am. My cats are lucky if they get food.

At 9:11 PM, Blogger Claudia said...

my friend had one of those comfy couches. I always made sure to have sheets handy.

At 9:16 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I take almost everything as a compliment. I have an inflated sense of self.


Lots of people want to see me. Very few people get to see me. Although, I've been thinking about a blogger meet-up lately. I'll be the one in fantastic shoes.


Of course I have a cat nanny. Hissy can't be left alone. He'd probably eat a shoe.


I have upholstery wipes. They're almost as good as sheets.

At 9:30 PM, Blogger The CEO said...

I now realize that you really are having a tradgedy. We must do something quickly.

At 10:24 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Is it my feet?

At 12:05 PM, Blogger jali said...

Karaoke night at Peppers.

Come on down!!!!

At 1:15 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


"C'mon down" makes it sound like you're trying to sell me a car or furniture or something.

At 3:33 PM, Blogger jennifer starfall said...

i got a birthday card once that said, "if you really thought about all the places in your house where your dog's naked butt has been... you'd have to move."

you can come put your naked ass on my couch any time you want.

At 6:28 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I'm coming over. Do you have wine?

At 11:12 AM, Anonymous Kelly said...

LOL COOOLL storyyy :) I love it
LOL LOL so commercial :D


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"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut

Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA

Yes, it is about me. Thanks for noticing.


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Miles to Go Before I...
All Your Beets Are Belong to Us
Time Change
Indoor Kids
My Bear Crotch
Geisha Training
Field Trip



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