To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.

Friday, March 23, 2007


Usually, artificial sweeteners taste like powdered cat urine and bubble bath to me. I've never been able to stomach the contents of those little blue and pink packets of sweetener. That was until I was introduced to Splenda in the little yellow packet.

I am having to rethink everything I know about artificial sweeteners. I cannot tell the difference between Splenda and sugar. On TV the other night, I saw a commercial that explained that it tastes like sugar because it is made of sugar. That is the kind of scientific logic that I can understand. I don't need a diagram of the complex molecule explaining why it tastes sweet, I just need to hear the word sugar and I am convinced.

Whenever I discover a product, I have to let those closest to me know. Like the pimple cream that made the zit on my forehead dry up and fall off in under eight hours. That was a miracle that I wanted to share. I feel the same way about Splenda. I called my sister and told her all about Splenda. She didn't share my enthusiasm. "Splenda has been around for a long time. It's not new, Mist. I don't like it." I wish my sister had been around when Columbus discovered the New World. I can imagine the phone call, "Yeah Chris, we know all about that place. When are you going to bring the Nina, the Pinta, and the Pina Colada back?" She could have rewritten history. (Side note: I wish I knew how to make that little ~ thing.)

I was undaunted by my sister's lack of support for my love of Splenda. I hung up the phone and rushed immediately to the grocery store for an entire box of Splenda all my own. When I got home, I wished that I had purchased the box of small, single serving packets and not the bulk box. I poured out the box on my kitchen counter and began dividing it into several smaller quantities. I was packaging it all neatly in plastic baggies when Jamie decided to burst in the door.

It was a difficult situation to explain. I didn't even try. Instead, I pulled a box of drinking straws out of the cupboard and cut a three inch piece for her with my handy kitchen scissors. When she asked me if I was going to join her, I told her that I never get high from my own supply. I have to admit, it felt pretty cool to finally use that line.

The last time I checked, she is still in there snorting lines Splenda. She's done about six grams.

I'm not going to tell her.

Mist 1


At 10:13 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Wow, I'm Number 1! I'm Number 1!

Me? I love the pink stuff, personally. If it's synthetic or plastic, it's mine all mine.

Fill a girl in on the zit remedy, can ya? I came in on this blog game a little late, apparently. And I'm lazy.

At 10:16 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Persa Gel. Your face will fall entirely off.

At 10:24 PM, Blogger Churlita said...

So, was she acting buzzed? Will she need a shot of insulin in the morning?

At 10:26 PM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

You might think I'm being sarcastic, but I am not: I am outrageously excited to know about this Yellow-Packet Splenda. Artificial sweeteners have been the bane of my existence. Until this post. Until the post, sweet Jesus.

At 10:36 PM, Blogger NeverEZme said...

What really scares me is that you know what "powdered cat urine" & "bubble bath" tastes like!
But I too have found Splenda and like the taste.

At 12:48 AM, Blogger Lizza said...

Splenda is a good sweetener, so is honey. You are such a good, sharing friend to delude someone like that.

P.S. Type 164 while keeping the alt key pressed. You'll get ñ

At 12:59 AM, Blogger Kirsten said...

The thing that scares me about Splenda is the powdery texture it has. Actually, it's almost more of a hairy texture than granular. At least you can't tell sugar from Sweet N Low or Equal by looking at it.

Two more ways to make the tilde, if you're typing in html mode:

(without spaces) type & # 2 4 1 ;
or, again without spaces, type & n t i l d e ; That's according to my html cheat sheet.

At 2:08 AM, Blogger Meloncutter said...

I have always wanted to take alka seltzer tablets and crush them up into a powder and let someone run a few lines of it just to see the reaction of all that effervesant bubbling and foaming in their sinus cavaties. I wonder if they would be able to put their own eyes back in the sockets or if I would have to take them for medical help?

Good post.

Later Y'all

At 2:10 AM, Blogger Liz said...

It's amazing that I will drink the last swig of wine from a glass that's been sitting out for 36 hours, I will put and enjoy a cigarette in my mouth and I will eat Fetta cheese, but I will not, under any circumstance, use Splenda. The taste likens goat bladder (that's just a guess). But thanks anyway you for your thoughtful "gift" of the recommendation.

At 2:13 AM, Blogger Curiosity.Killer said...

Wow. 6 grams and she still had no idea. She'll probably figure it out once the high runs longer than expected.

At 2:40 AM, Blogger Fiona said...

well shoot and all this time I've been inserting it from symbols on a word document copy/pasting



At 3:05 AM, Blogger Odat said...

I actually like the lil pink packets and DON"t like Splenda...
oh well...

At 3:25 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

I don't like powdered cat urine. I prefer it fresh.

At 4:26 AM, Blogger Me said...

You have to tell us which zit cream made you zit fall off. I could really use that stuff right now. I have the worst complexion of anyone where I work - and I work at a high school...that's really not good.

Secondly, doesn't the pink stuff cause cancer in lab rats? I much prefer real sugar. Especially sugar in the form of Coca Cola. Mmmm

At 4:27 AM, Blogger Me said...

I have issues reading ahead apparently. Is persa gel only one of those american FDA approved thingies that I can't get in Canada? Will I have to fill my trunk with it and sneak it over the border?

At 4:42 AM, Blogger Kentucky Girl said...

LOL Splenda is pretty splendid. Although don't add too, too much to something because then it starts to taste like chlorine, then pew. Gross.

Oh and they have premade sodas with Splenda, too. And dessert mixes. TAY-STEE!

At 4:56 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Where can I buy the powdered cat urine? Has Jamie ever snorted that? Was it funny?


At 5:26 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Coincidentally, I use powdered cat urine in my coffee every morning.

At 5:44 AM, Blogger Ariel said...

I love splenda. I'd be interested to know if you can get high off of it though because if so I'm never leaving the house again. Sam's Club will be my supplier.

At 5:48 AM, Blogger MJ said...

I hope that you are not just GIVING her the splenda to snort.. you have shoes to buy..... Friends are friends but busniness is business

At 5:51 AM, Blogger That's one clever little Yvonne said...

well as long as she thinks she's getting high...

At 6:07 AM, Blogger Matt said...

This story reminds me of the time I smoked crack. Good morning.

At 6:10 AM, Anonymous Alison said...

Gives new meaning to the term "sugar high," doesn't it?

At 6:46 AM, Blogger PaintingChef said...

Splenda makes the best sweet tea ever. And!?!? It keeps it freash a day or two longer before it gets that "old tea" weird taste. I think its the chemicals. The chemicals made from sugar.

Persa-gel you say? Thank you. Because it seems monumentally unfair that a girl should have to face zits AND her 30th birthday in the same year, does it not?

At 6:57 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

right now, I scoff at sweetners. sugar is just so cosmically right in my coffee. please don't share some sort of stats that explain if i switched i'd have achieve inner piece or anything like that, i like my delicious sugary ignorance

At 6:59 AM, Blogger Kjbrott said...

My sister just introduced me to your blog a couple of days ago. She thinks you may be a long lost relative of ours. Could be if wine addiction and a cigarette habit are genetic.
Love the blog. I've been trying to only read a couple a day so that it will last, but I have all the will power of a crack whore, so I've already read back a few months.
Thanks for the laughs.

At 7:03 AM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

Does that stuff work on ass zits?

At 7:04 AM, Blogger tallulah said...

I guess I would probably rather snort powdered cat urine and bubble bath rather than Splenda (that stuff is nasty)but hey! Spread the word.

At 7:16 AM, Anonymous andy said...


Among the numerous things I have snorted, Splenda has ne'er found itself included. Colour me anxious.

-aside-Do you ever find that you are SO good at writing that you feel like Shakespeare or one of those other dudes? I most certainly do.

At 7:43 AM, Blogger Roadchick said...

Once upon a time, long ago, the 'chick pulled a similar trick on a friend.

He said it was the sweetest high he'd ever had.

Which is probably a good indicator of why doing drugs is bad for you.

At 7:43 AM, Blogger Chrissy121875 said...

LOL! OMG...hilarious, Mist!

BTW, "Usually, artificial sweeteners taste like powdered cat urine and bubble bath to me"...Have you ever tasted powdered cat urine and bubble bath? ;)

At 7:46 AM, Blogger heather said...

mom's diabetic and her dr recommended splenda about 5 or 6 years ago, it's not bad at all, although i haven't tried snorting it! lol that could just change my opinion completely.
btw, thanks for the ñ lizza! now i just have to find a reason to use it!

At 7:51 AM, Blogger Echomouse said...

One helluva post Mist! Zit treatment, fake sugar AND the mystery of how to make an accented letter using our computers. Colour me impressed :)

Mom keeps a stash of Splenda in the cupboard. I only use the real stuff. Never thought of snorting it tho...that might be worth trying on bad days :)

At 7:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Another quote you that might be right up your "alley" from the same movie: "Say hello to my little friend"

At 7:56 AM, Blogger La Cubana Gringa said...

To get the ~ over the n, I just google a spanish word that has it, like Mañana, and then cut and paste just the ñ in. Works as good as powdered cat urine in my morning coffee. Off to go brew some right now...

At 8:29 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

SPlenda is the only thing I use, and I made the mistake of buying the non-packeted stuff once. It didn't taste the same for some reason.

ALso, too bad we don't bake (assuming you don't bake since most baking recipes do not call for wine, much like in my case "Bacardi") because you can BAKE with that stuff too!

ñ oooooh that alt 164 thingy WORKED!

At 8:52 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

It's a fine line, a very fine line.

At 9:07 AM, Blogger Wavemancali said...


If you are on a Windows based computer, if you go to Start, programs,acessories and then system tools you will find the magical character map. if it's not there just go start, run and type charmap.exe in the little box.

If you are on a Mac, well no one can help you really.

It shows all the cool kid fancy letters and the alt codes on how to type them like ñ Ü and ã

® © ™

At 9:36 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I take coffee with lots of half&half, no sweeteners, and tea straight up. But if that changes, I have my own supply of cat urine just going to waste here.

At 10:08 AM, Blogger The CEO said...

Now that you've let the cat out of the bag, perhaps the price of Splenda will drop due to a huge increase in consumption. All because of you.

At 10:32 AM, Blogger Comedy + said...

Splenda...didn't know that stuff was still around. Good for you, if you like it then there you are.

You need to take a real close look at your friend here. Doing lines of Splenda! Now that is a real hoot. Please, keep them coming.

At 10:39 AM, Anonymous kristyn said...

I don't like it either, sorry! My best friend is always dieting and she loves the stuff, swears it tastes *just like* sugar. I usually smile and nod. :) So, for you Mist...

*Nod* ;)

At 10:39 AM, Blogger Claudia said...

If you're on a Mac, it's Option N. ñ do you know what powdered cat urine tastes like? it would be one of those things that I'd rather not try...I just bought the generic splenda and I can tell the difference in my coffee (blech). I'll have to buy the actual brand and see if it does make a difference. I'm feeling gypped.

At 10:47 AM, Blogger Dallas DYSfunction said...

I want a bubble bath and a Pina Colada. Sadly, I don't know how to make that littel squiggly symbol. You're so cool.

At 11:25 AM, Blogger Miss Ann Thrope said...

I tried diet coke with splenda. It tasted like what I imagine rat piss would taste like. I noticed they stopped selling it. I assume other people had the rat piss taste experience.

That was my one and only interation with the yellow packet and I'm a happier woman now.

At 11:27 AM, Anonymous bice said...

I used to snort coke till I got the twist cap stuck in my nose and ended up in the emergency room. That scared me straight.

At 11:44 AM, Blogger Phoenix said...

I find you get used to the taste of powdered cats urine over time


At 11:51 AM, Blogger Nance said...

Splenda even comes in brown sugar, French Vanilla, Hazelnut, and Mocha flavors. You are really going to be in heaven! A trip to their website is in order, I think, Mist.

At 11:55 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

don't give me any ideas, mist! if I find out you can snort Splenda and get a rush from the sugar, but not have to worry about gaining weight since you're not actually eating it, I'll be an addict in no time.

At 12:03 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


She hasn't stopped talking in hours.


I just heard this morning that Splenda is being sued by the blue packet company.


It's really not a good mix.


ñ. No way. I could do that all day. ñ


You all are so much smarter than I am.


Be careful with that one. Please get it on video.


Bladder of goat is a delicacy where I come from.


I brought her into to rehab this morning. That's why I'm late here.


I feel so slow.


I just say no to pink.


Well, it's not always in season here.


Ask the high school kids what they use.


I don't mind the chlorine, apparently.


I am sure that Jamie has put lots of stuff up her nose.


Remind me to stop at Starbucks on the way to your house.


I have always wanted to start my own cartel too.


I'm planning on getting her hooked first.


It's all about the power of suggestion.


Breakfast of champions.


No kidding, right?


Use it sparingly.


Inner peace is a joke. So is inner beauty.


We are related if you think there's some sort of inheritance for me involved.

Thanks for coming by. Who's your sister?


You don't want your entire a$$ to fall off.


Snorting bubble bath isn't as fun as it sounds.


Why do I have to be like one of the dudes? Clearly, my shoes are so much better than theirs.


Sweetest high. That's funny.


Perhaps I have. I'm not admitting anything.


I love the ñ too.


I am random, at best.


I love that movie.


You are so worldly.


I would never bake my Bacardi.


Well played.


Now you're just showing off.


Package it. Sell it to the pink company.


I hope they compensate me handsomely.


I will keep these coming for as long as I can avoid electro shock therapy. Things might not be the same after that.


Most people just smile and nod at me. The rest of them run away screaming.


I didn't even know there was a generic.


I'll skip the bath. My tail bone hurts in the tub.

miss a.t.,

Rat piss is way worse than cat piss.


Did you have to have an intervention?


Not with my Splenda, I won't.

At 12:04 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


You're kidding me, right?


You should see how thin Jamie is.

At 1:31 PM, Blogger Crack La Rock said...

I spent 2 years in a fedral prison for Possesion with intent to deliver Dixie Crystal...You haven't lived till you've screwed on Dixie Cyrstal.

At 3:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ohhh yer bad! LOL She might need some decongestant after tripping on Splenda.

And Kleenex...ewww

At 4:42 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I haven't lived. There is a void in my life.


Her nostrils were stuck together when I last saw her.

At 6:29 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Today, artificial sweetner. Tomorrow, hopefully, the artificial GIRL.

The way I see it, if we can make artificial vaginas and boobs, and we can make robots, we should be able to put the boobs and vaginas into the robots and then make the robots pretty.

At 6:41 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Sweetener makes you kinda aroused, doesn't it?

At 6:53 PM, Blogger Trundling Grunt said...

The front of my car is afflicted with a mysterious white dust, but it's Altoids not Splenda. But I do get new respect when I give people a lift. Unless they're cops.

At 7:10 PM, Blogger Alicia said...

I discovered Splenda in college. In 1999.
I made my diabetic roommate a peach pie, and he didn't go into a coma.
It was a good day.

At 7:17 PM, Blogger Tug said...

I'm just so damned sweet on my own, I don't add anything. ;-)

At 7:35 PM, Blogger Gucci Muse said...

Splenda, yuck- I still have boxes of it- but I will give the packets a try to see if they are better than the blue packet when I get my Mickey D's iced coffees again-

I also tried baking with it using their recipes-what a flop! lies, I tell you, all lies!!!!!!

At 7:40 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Jamie and I might need a ride somewhere. We'll call you.


I am so behind the times.


I am not. I am bitter. I need Splenda.


When you say bake, surely, you don't mean like in the oven. Do you?

At 7:46 PM, Blogger notfearingchange said...

i like my artificial sweetener.....don't diss...
However, i wonder how your friend's nose will be feeling - ouchie

At 7:49 PM, Anonymous Karmyn said...

Okay - you've got to try Golden Syrup. It probably has triple the calories of Splenda - but it is SOOOO worth it. (Can you tell I'm in love with it? I'd smear the stuff on my body if I could)

At 7:53 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


The Splenda people did not pay me to pass this message on to you.


I'm not sure that I can use anything called Golden Syrup. I keep thinking about Golden Showers.

At 8:01 PM, Blogger Pickled Olives said...

Your a good friend Mist!!!!

At 8:12 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I really am. I hope Jamie remembers that when she gets out of rehab.

At 8:13 PM, Blogger Lex said...

ñ - If you have a PC, it's the semi-colon key if you add the Spanish keyboard in your Regional Settings in Control Panel. It may be more trouble than it's worth, unless you type in Spanish that often, but you'll only have to do it once. Then you'll get a little icon that lets you switch between the English and Spanish keyboards when you need to.

"ALT + 0241" will also give it to you.

What was your post about again? Oh, yeah, Splenda. I don't sweeten any beverages. I honestly don't think I've ever tried the stuff.

At 8:35 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Be thankful that you've never tried the stuff. After about a quarter gram, you're hooked.

At 9:03 PM, Blogger Diesel said...

I started drinking Diet Dr Pepper recently, and while I can definitely tell the difference, I have to say it's not bad.

Mist and friends, please come play in my caption contest!

At 11:25 PM, Blogger Love Monkey said...

I love all things artificial. So with this in mind, I must share with you a new discovery that has changed my life.

Coffee Mate Non Dairy Creamer - French Vanilla flavor.

Turns coffee into a caffeine charged milkshake.

At 11:56 PM, Blogger Steph said...

Artificial sweetners give you cancer. So not only will your friend end up with crack nose from splenda she'll also get the big C.

Nice friend you are. How do you treat your enemies? :P

At 3:36 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

Its Saturday night and instead of getting laid I'm blogging.

Somebody please give me a penis to entertain myself with.

At 6:50 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I have a perfume that I swear smells just like Dr. Pepper. Drives men wild...and also girls who like Dr. Pepper.


I love CoffeeMate. I mix it with rum.


I'm starting to feel guilty about feeding her habit.


You can have my little black book. Just don't tell them that you know me.

At 11:01 AM, Blogger Todd said...

Splenda scares me. I'm not afraid to admit that.

At 11:06 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

Well, you learñ somethiñg ñew every day, doñ't you? Thañks!

Actually, I live dangerously and use real sugar. ;)


At 12:26 PM, Blogger STAK said...

Ozzy Osbourne once snorted live ants..........

At 1:20 PM, Blogger jennifer starfall said...

persa gel? if it works, i'm going to mail you my first born child (as soon as it's old enough to pour wine).

At 3:41 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Monkeys scare me. I'm slightly embarrassed to admit that.


Is atthy igpay atinlay?


Did PETI (People for the Ethical Treatment of Insects) find out?


A thank you card will suffice. The US Postal service frown upon those who try to mail their offspring.

At 6:10 AM, Blogger Arthur Dent said...

My body does not react well to artificial sweetners... nausea, migrains, disgusting taste at the back of my tongue.

Maybe if I snorted it?

At 7:08 AM, Anonymous Amy said...

I've always been fond of Splenda... it certainly does taste far more natural than any other A.S. I've had the misfortune of sampling.

At 9:47 AM, Blogger Michael C said...

I often worry at work when I spill little bits of Splenda on my desk while preparing my coffee. So far, no one has called HR.

Another great post!!

At 10:44 AM, Blogger James Burnett said...

We had an article in my paper a few months ago about SplendaHeads (not the same as crack heads) fiendin' for the stuff so badly that they were swiping hundreds of packets at a time from area coffee shops and restaurants. Funny.

At 12:03 PM, Blogger The Freelance Cynic said...

82 Friggin comments! In one day. How does a splenda snorting fish do it? How!

Jealous much...

At 1:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Foxy...I LOVE smelling Like "Scratch Her F*cking Eye's Out" Brand Soap! It's in my beard all day long, keep'in them bitches at a distance!!

At 2:02 PM, Blogger BionicBuddha said...

Great story...the world would be so much better off if people would be addicted to this substance instead of heroine or crack!

At 4:51 PM, Blogger kris said...

ROFL! i can't breath! i can't breath!

At 4:58 PM, Blogger Jay said...

I've never had it, but I hate splenda on principle, because a baker from the food network in the spokeswoman here, and every time she tries to shill me her stupid sweetener, I yell "Sellout!!!" at my TV, because how pathetic is that? She should be first in line in the splenda-hater department. Sheesh.

At 5:08 PM, Blogger doctor chip said...

got shtein?

♣ = & # 9 8 2 7
♩ = & # 9 8 3 3
♪ = & # 9 8 3 4
♥ = & # 9 8 2 9
♠ = & # 9 8 2 4
◊ = & # 9 6 7 4

ã = & a t i l d e (a, with "tilde")

ä = & a u m l (a, with "umläut", or, is it "ümlaut"?)

remove the spaces. sometimes, you have to put a semicolon right after the characters.

there are html and Unicode versions of these.

you can look...



& here, for starters...

... there's thousands of 'em.
the little buggers!




At 6:00 PM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

I used to snort sugar-free-sugar for fun. True story.

At 6:48 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Try smoking it.


I have never liked a sweetener more.


Just wait. The coworker that you blogged about will turn you in.


SplendaHeads? That makes me feel like a junkie.


If you are all cracked up on Splenda, you have lots of time to blog.


Retracting my claws.


I am changing lives. One sweetener packet at a time.


Take the straw out of your nose.

Splenda haters are the worst.


I will do my best to remember that for as long as I can.


Better than Pixie Stix.

At 8:27 AM, Blogger Mayren said...

splenda will rule the planet along with duct tape!

At 8:27 AM, Blogger Melanie said...

splenda rules.

snorting it? not so much. :wink:

At 2:00 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Ever since I have found duct tape in fashionable colors, I have had to reconsider my feelings on the stuff.

At 2:02 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Don't knock it until you've tried it.

At 2:21 PM, Anonymous Trew Life Advice said...

"Usually, artificial sweeteners taste like powdered cat urine and bubble bath to me..." (c) Mist1.

Priceless comedic dissertation of True Life Expression. I love the wordplay.

-Trew Life

At 5:55 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I thought it was pretty poetic.

At 9:31 PM, Blogger Some Random Girl said...

I saw on a news show the other night that Splenda is more chlorine than sugar. Just an FYI. you might want to google it.

At 7:52 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


The thing about addiction is that even with this knowledge, you don't really care.


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"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut

Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA

Yes, it is about me. Thanks for noticing.


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First Dating
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