Cookies
I don't cook very often. It's not that I don't like cooking, it's just that by the time I uncork the wine, I have usually lost the notion. But, when Lisa called me and said that she was craving my salmon, I couldn't say no. She has pretty good wine.I went to the International Farmer's Market to buy fruit that I didn't recognize. You see, if you cook fish with exotic citrus fruit found only in south east Asia, people think that you're a genius. No two employees at the Farmer's Market speak the same language. Solomon has worked in the produce department for at least five years and he's learned a considerable amount of English in that time. He can say, "How are you?" and "I work and work," and "You look like cousin of me." He has a new phrase that I love. I told him that I was cooking dinner for a friend and he said, "I will put my fingers cross for you." He gets nervous when he talks to me and his voice gets higher with every phrase. He might know a few other sentences, but they are in a range that my ears can't detect.
I don't like to cook in my own kitchen because it is three feet by two feet. While this makes it very convenient to clean the floor, it makes it very difficult to open the dishwasher and the fridge at the same time. Lisa's kitchen is much larger than mine, so I decided to cook/drink at her house.
I got to her place before she did due to an unfortunate traffic stop. When she arrived, she commented on how a blow job doesn't take nearly as much as time as writing a ticket. Then, she went into the bathroom to gargle and touch up her lipstick.
Dinner was divine. The wine was excellent. We drank and talked and sang karaoke and danced and talked about men and hair and men.
Eventually, I got hungry again. Earlier, I had spotted Girl Scout cookies on top of the fridge. I am partial to the Thin Mint and am heart broken that the Lemon Cooler has been discontinued. Because I can exercise restraint, I only bought two boxes of cookies this year and have not eaten a single one. It is like a game that I play with myself.
Lisa has every kind of Girl Scout cookie. She has three cases of cookies in her dining room and a freezer full of Thin Mints. As long as I don't touch the caramel and coconut cookies, she doesn't care what I eat. I reached up on top of the fridge and grabbed the blue box of cookies. Carefully and deliberately, I only took one. I know all about portion control (except for when it comes to wine). Lisa yelled from the other room to get one for her too. I took two more from the box because I want to make sure that she is fatter than I am in a swimsuit. I am a decent and caring friend.
I bit into my cookie. It was dry and bland. "F*ck," I said, "they really need to put the trans fats back into these." I handed Lisa her cookies.
"Mist, these are dog biscuits."
Who the hell keeps dog biscuits next to Girl Scout cookies?
I took the picture to demonstrate how misleading her display of cookies is. In my defense, I am short and cannot see on top of the fridge.
The dog and I do not get along.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:34 AM
74 Comments:
Niiice.
I bought 3 boxes this weekend. I took them to work and watched the women in my office (who are all "off" carbs) wipe them out in 2 hours. Every last one. I figure if I fatten them up a bit, I'll look thinner. Bitches.
I wish they brought back APPLE NEWTONS- loved those cookies-alas, they are discontinued-
And these friends of yours are really quirky, no? First doggie poop at one house and doggie biscuits at the other. You have dog day afternoons ;)
I love how people sound who speak English as a second language. I feel like I'm totally allowed to make fun, because I used to interperet for Spanish speaking patients and they laughed at me all the time. I can't help it if I refuse to conjugate verbs, so that everything takes place in the present. At least I've never said, "I will put my fingers cross for you."...That I know of, anyway.
What is this about Girl Scout cookies? You are cheating on the chocolate, and chocolate always gets its revenge on inferior products.
I really don't like girl scout cookies, give me chocolate any day.
And Solomon sounds like an awesome fellow. I particularly like "you look like cousin of me," I'm going to use that as a pick up line...
I bet you'd get along with the dog if you gave it the cookies.
This comic from a few weeks back deals with Girl Scouts and their cookies.
lex,
Well done. I love women.
gucci,
I prefer Fig Newtons.
churlita,
I plan on using that phrase for as long as I can remember it.
seb,
I don't have a chocolate addiction. Although, I am using a chocolate soap. You should smell me.
todd,
I'd get along with the dog better if he was fixed.
I haven't eaten a Girl Scout cookie in forever. My favorites were the ones that had a peanut butter filling. Tagalongs. Yeah.
I used to eat dog biscuits on occasion, too, but don't tell anybody.
lmao!! cheeks is in brownies and she sold girl scout cookies for the first time this year. (read ~i~ sold girl scout cookies) they will be in next monday night. 287 boxes of cookies will fill my living room while i sort them out and get them ready for delivery. man i hope i don't just say to hell with it and eat them all! my hips can't take anymore abuse as it is! lol
I love the Thin Mints also!
When I was younger my older brothers would make me eat dog biscuits! They finally stopped when I started to chase cars!
I thought I was the only one who remembers and/or desperately misses the Lemon Coolers.
I LOVED those cookies.
I'm depressed now. Pass me a milkbone.
I LOVE those thin mints.
Your kitchen is only 3 by 2? I won't cook either in an elevator either. I need space to create.
You wont be making that mistake again. Trust me, it is alot worse making that mistake in a dimlit bedroom with a tube of lubricant and a tube of anti-inflamatory cream. Just trust me on that one.
Three things
1) your kitchen is about the same size as mine. Perfect for a microwave on the miniscule bench, and a sink to wash your glasses.
2) Must remember that tip about writing tickets. Purely for time saving you understand.
3)You'll have a nice shiny coat now!
*shakes her head in disbelief*
Oh, Mist1... all thin mint lovers know that the box is green. I'm so sad to hear of your color-blindness.
I'm dying to know what exotic citrus fruit, found only in south east Asia, it is of which you partake? Pomelo, calamansi, buddha's fingers? My fav, though not a citrus, is the mangosteen. Have you had that one?
If you feel an urge to lick your crotch, call me. I'll come help.
If Lisa exercised portion control she wouldn't have been late - you have so much to teach, Mist.
Puss
I took a bite of one of the dog biscuits they give in the drive thru at the bank, one time. It was sick.
My Dad used to dole out the dog biscuits to my Taiwanese cousins. They musta thought American cookies completely sucked. Yeah, my dad. He was THAT guy.
Your post reminds me of the time I got kicked out of Boy Scouts for eating a Brownie.
Good times, mist. Good times.
Nothing like the sweet taste of lamb and rice Ü
If you just would have had a few more glasses of wine, maybe you would have never noticed !!
I'm glad you weren't eating that canned stuff. You could be dead now, some pets are!
..
Someone stole my GS cookies off my desk. Someone will die today.
they young woman who gives my best friend, me aunt and i better pedicures than any fancy salon said to me the other day, "where you mum?" seeing as how my mother passed away a year ago and never got a pedicure that i knew of, i was about flabbergasted and a half. took my wine soaked brain a few moments to realize she isn't psychic, that she was asking why my aunt wasn't with me on that particular day. whew.
love your blog. thanks to jester for pointing me in your direction!
I think what really happened is that you got drunk with this (imaginary friend) "Lisa" and just started experimenting.
I'm actually siding with you on this one Mist....you think she did that on purpose?
Surely you went to the big outlet store while you were at the Farmer's Market.
They make dog biscuits in peanut butter flavor. I love peanut butter, but I not that much.
You would have been completely justified if you had taken a sleeve of thin mints out and beaten the shit out of that dog there.
i heard a joke about somebody eating dog biscuits and licking their balls and getting hit by a truck i think but since no blonde was involved i don't remember.
smiles, bee
So does red or white go better with dog cookies? I never know.
She needs to keep a little footstool next to the fridge just for you.
I mean, you DO cook for her sometimes...that's the least she can do.
Waht about the trans fat in the bisquits? Maybe a switch would really make you look good this summer. It could mean a little extra shaving for you, and you might look like a dork lapping the water instead of frolicking in it, but I'm sure it would get you a few interesting friends.
I was a Thin Mints kind of girl, but it's been well over a decade since I've had any Girl Scout cookies.
-velvet
I still have GS cookies from last year...
You didn't talk about SHOES?
alison,
I have a box of Tagalongs. I have not touched them.
heather,
I hope you are made of iron. Good luck resisting.
never,
Did you ever catch one? How about your tail?
jester,
They were the best. Do you like the small dog or big dog variety of biscuit?
curiosity,
There's really no need for me to have a kitchen at all.
orhan,
That doesn't sound that bad.
phishez,
I feel so much better about myself now. Thanks.
wg,
I like blue. It's pretty.
fab,
It did until I licked my a$$.
fiona,
What is a mangosteen? I'm going back to the Farmer's Market to ask Solomon.
av,
Could you just hold my leg for me?
puss,
Lord, Puss. That's too much.
frannie,
Why are they so bland?
lee,
Nice, Lee's Dad. Real nice.
nwjr,
I've never been thrown out by the Boy Scouts. They like me.
mj,
Oh, that's so funny. Lamb and rice. I like lamb and rice.
jim,
I didn't even think about the recall. I can't believe I'm alive.
ariel,
Someone hates you.
hello,
I need a pedi. And a glass of wine.
matt,
"Lisa" and I have never experimented.
slick,
What do you mean "actually" siding with me?
reba,
That does sound kind of good.
furious,
I am a lover, not a fighter.
bee,
That sounded like a good one.
cruiser,
It depends on the flavor.
pissy,
I took her footstool to my house months ago so that I could get up into my bed.
wreck,
I tried reading the nutritional information on the back of the box. I got to crude protein and I had to stop reading. In my book crude protein is something else entirely.
velvet,
$3.50 a box. Pony up.
tug,
Actually, we did talk about whether or not she should wear the red or black, but it was such a simple matter for me that I didn't make any mention of it. (Red, of course).
alicia,
I can't puke. I'd waste all that wine.
When I was a Girl Scout they made the most unfortunate decision to give all the boxes of cookies that were ordered to us, the Girl Scouts, and have us deliver the goods.
For a kind with a sweet tooth and a bedroom door that closes and the occasional case of insomnia, it turned out to be a very bad plan because I ate most of them.
Since then, I have not been such a big fan of Girl Scout cookies. I can tolerate the shortbread ones. I'm guessing I didn't eat those on my Great Cookie Binge That Left Me Unable To Cope With Cookie Selling Ever Again.
I think I might prefer the dog biscuits.
And the picture? Priceless. I'd keep an eye on her, if I were you. That picture clearly states that this could be a woman who is Up To Trickery, Tomfoolery, Or Other Forms of Making Ones Friends Feel Like Asses. Or dogs.
I hope her traffic stop left enough mouthwash left for you to gargle with, too.
Thanks. I'll be late for my meeting now, on the hunt for the caramel/coconut thingies. And, I gotta stop and buy some shoes.
introspectre,
I haven't had that cookie binge, but I did have The Great Valentine's Chocolate Binge that Made Me Feel Like Less of a Person Thus Requiring an Additional Therapy Appointment.
Thanks for coming by.
fringes,
Doesn't the coconut stick in your teeth? You will need some floss.
dude. well thank god you haven't turned into one of those "must be invited only" blogs. What's new pimpin?
Isn't it reassuring that your friend was shocked that you ate the dog biscuits by mistake rather than assuming it was normal - that would have been worrying. FAZ
Now you've done it! I had to barf!
What?!? Surely you jest. Is that not the point of Valentine's Day?
Years ago, after a lifetime of disappointing Valentine's Days, I decided it was up to ME to make them worthwhile. So I began my yearly trip, first thing in the morning, to the gourmet chocolate place in town. I spent however much I thought the shmuck I was with at the time should spend on me (because I knew damn well he wouldn't) and then proceeded to spend the entire day eating nothing but exquisite chocolate. Breakfast, lunch and dinner, truffles, frogs, brittle, you name it. And I gotta tell ya, it works like a CHARM. I cannot be cranky on Valentine's Day, ever.
I finally added to that with a designated evening of Chinese food take out and movie of choice, usually one of the original Star Wars trilogy. Now my husband never has to worry about what he should or shouldn't do on Valentine's Day. He knows I've got it covered and the funny thing is- I actually found and married a great man who actually likes chocolate more than any human, male or female, than I have ever known.
I suspect your additional therapy appointment was due to lower quality chocolate. May I suggest going for the high end stuff? It's cheaper than the shrink, at least, it's cheaper than my shrink, for sure!
Plus, it tastes better than my shrink. *shrug* I assume, of course.
Mmmm, I love those Samoas. Coincidentally my post today also involves girl scout cookies. Well, and a hundred other unrelated things.
Don't they make bone-shaped dog biscuits anymore? That would have been my tipoff.
I ate one as a child. I expected to die. My brother told me that I wouldn't because I was a dog, so I bit him in the leg.
HAHAHAHAHA!!! You are just too funny! Really, you sound like a blast to hang out with. A friend of mine once made the mistake of eating a dog biscuit...only he was totally wasted and didn't know the difference. I think the after-taste must have been what made him notice. Ick.
Hmmm...I need to find out where all the girl scouts are on this island, so I can get me a crate of those cookies! LOL! Oh...not for me of course. They're for my husband! LOL! Yeeeeah...that's it.
I don't like people eating my treats either. I don't even share with my kid. If I was the dog I'd probably bite your leg.
I had a mini (girl scout sized) orgasm when I read
Lemon Cooler.
stilt,
Welcome back. I'm not VIP enough to be invite only.
faz,
Lots of things about her are worrying, but I don't let it worry me.
comedy,
I blogged about dog crap yesterday and you didn't barf from that?
intro,
It was cheap waxy chocolate. Kind of like eating crayons covered in chapstick. I am starting to feel a little ashamed all over again.
diesel,
They have Girl Scouts in Samoa?
hearts,
I hope you had your shots.
chrissy,
I will send you what's left in the blue box.
yvonne,
I'd rather have him bite my leg than chew my shoes. My leg can heal.
scotts,
I know. Why, Girl Scouts, why?
I bought cookies too and gave them to coworkers. I am so sporadically virtuous.
whoa! at least you didn't feed the dog the chocolate cookies. if you killed her dog she'd probably never share her good wine with you again!
Some people eat worms. I think you are OK. :)
-N
Your greatest charm always has been your lack of discernment.
I like tagalongs.
jali,
You're not virtuous. You want them to get fat.
miztris,
But I need her wine. I mean, friendship.
natalia,
I don't live in a country where that's acceptable. We have food taboos here.
jocelyn,
I don't know what that means.
lux,
I don't like dingleberries.
I think the removal of trans fat explains many things, like why Twinkies don't taste like they did when I was a kid.
The Girl Scouts have started selling dog biscuits around here. They saw dogs as an untapped market.
well, you know my take on these cookies. They are crack sold by children cartels.
"I couldn't say no. She has pretty good wine." Brilliant! :)
Found you from Spoon's blog!
Love it.
You are blogrolled.
Would be lovely if you could consider a link back, but I won't hold you at gunpoint if you don't. I'll just forcefeed you dog biscuits instead!
Well, I think some of those Girl Scout cookies do taste like dog biscuits (except the Samoas).....not that I've ever eaten dog biscuits mind you.
tammie,
My parents never let me have Twinkies. I have never acquired the taste for them.
bice,
Those Scouts are pretty smart.
olives,
I never thought about how dangerous they are as a gang.
cynic,
She does have good wine. I am really, really bad at updating links. I try to do it on weekends.
Thanks for coming by.
karmyn,
Sure you haven't.
Thanks for reminding me - that's what i forgot with my dinner tonight the wine! sh*t.
Sure. I'm good at holding legs in the air.
"$3.50 a box. Pony up."
Oh, it's not because I'm cheap, it's because I haven't seen a Girl Scout around in years... and I live in the suburbs! How weird is that?! Maybe their moms have warned them to avoid strange people like me. ;)
-velvet
You ate the rest of the dog biscuit, didn't you.
am i the only one who remembers how the girl scout shortbreads used to be thin and encrusted with sugar? that's when they used to be really, really good. now they are like roundish lorna doones and they suck. sigh. i've officially given up girl scout shortbreads for lent. and dog biscuits. hell--they're the same thing.
nofear,
I hate when that happens. Until I forget that's what happened.
av,
I know. I've seen the video.
velvet,
Do the Witnesses still come by?
brooke,
Well, it did promise to remove the plaque from my teeth.
nance,
I like shortbread and brie cheese. I could go for some now.
Just don't let him talk you into the durian fruit....I love it but it's often described as smelling of shit/vomit....you have to hold your nose while you eat it, tastes yummy...and no, not like it smells *L*
Mangosteen is a lovely creamy slightly tart segmented fruit held in a thick tough dark purple casing.
oh dear god did I really just say that??!!!!! LOL
fiona,
I have experienced durian. I will never be the same.
The Witnesses? Actually, no. Why, do they sell cookies? ;)
-velvet
velvet,
I bet Witness cookies have trans fats.
I don't share your love for girl scout cookies. I would rather munch on a scooby snack.
tallulah,
Can I interest you in a tasty chewy treat?
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