To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Miles to Go Before I...

Last year, I bought a pedometer. I have some obsessive compulsive behaviors, so technically, I probably should have consulted my shrink before I made the purchase.

I programmed all the settings. I counted and measured my steps. I even input my weight honestly. This was a new relationship and I wanted to start it right. I wanted it to trust me. I didn't want to flip open the top to see how many steps I had taken and for it to tell me that I had taken 10,000 aerobic steps just to make me feel good about myself.

I found that the best place for my pedometer was tucked neatly into the waist of my panties and not to the waist band of my pants as suggested on the informational insert. The vibrating pedometer is another one of my fabulous inventions that I haven't gotten around to making.

From my home, there are 16 bars within walking distance. It turns out that it is about a three mile walk to go to each of these bars and home again. My love for fitness returned with this discovery.

It wasn't long before I had decided to see just how many steps I could take in a day. Somewhere around 22,000, I decided to see if I could walk so far that I reset the counter. I walked until my feet blistered. The sun went down and I got thirsty. I had made several laps around my neighborhood bars. It was time to close out my tabs. Total steps: 67,481.

As I sat at the bar, I continued to fidget. Surely, my pedometer would track my fidgeting. Unfortunately, pedometers don't work that way. They know when you are cheating the system, and when you are cheating the system, you are only cheating yourself.

After that day, I put the pedometer away. I had abused it's power. It sat, tucked away in a little box on my dresser for nearly a year.

Last night, I rediscovered it. I feel like I appreciate it now. I have matured. I will not put it on a pedestal or on a treadmill.

Still, I wonder, if I wear it while having sex, will it tell me how many calories I am burning? And, what will I clip it to?

Mist 1


At 9:41 PM, Blogger kris said...

hmmm...where to clip a pedometer while having sex...good question...truely a dilema! While i might suggest having the monkey hold it against've mentioned your fear of monkeys, so obviously that won't do...i suppose that leave trained birds.....o_0

At 10:25 PM, Blogger briliantdonkey said...

Forget the pedometer. Let your boyfriend tell you how many calories you are burning. Sounds like a win win to me. Memo to mist's BF: I spect at LEAST an HDTV for this suggestion dude!


At 11:03 PM, Blogger Sheila said...

Well, if you have your belly button pierced, you can clip it to that ring... ? Thats my best suggestion.

At 12:00 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Since you persist in waxing within an inch of your life, the only solution is a garter belt, or crotchless panties.

Where there's a will, there's a way. I know you'll think of something.

At 1:45 AM, Blogger Lizza said...

There are SIXTEEN bars within walking distance from where you live? That is so terrific.

Oh, pedometer. Right. It can function as a hair clip--to keep your hair out of your face when you give oral, and measure how many calories you're burning doing that.

At 4:06 AM, Blogger notfearingchange said...

loss of words mist... loss of words.

At 4:21 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I'm not at the point in my life where I'm comfortable with bestiality.


When did I get a boyfriend?


I hardly have a belly button. It's a little freakish.


This is a great excuse to wear crotchless panties.


Why do you think I live here?


A lot of people feel that way around me.

At 5:05 AM, Blogger Michael Thomas said...

Hook it to the headboard. That oughta shake it back and forth. At least you'll get an accurate stroke count.

At 5:39 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Proceed with caution; if you introduce the pedometer to BOB, who knows what could happen?


At 6:04 AM, Blogger jali said...

You know the thin skin on the...
Nah! You don't really need a calorie count.

Now I want my own pedometer.

At 6:34 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I don't want to hit my head on it.


They may have an affair behind my back. Damn computer love.


CVS has a good selection, but your doctor might give you one for free.

At 6:50 AM, Blogger Natalia said...

Clip it to your hair. :)


At 6:55 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

My office gave those out to everyone, my 5 year old son found it, thought it was cool so he started wearing it. My little kinetic boy was doing like 90000 steps a day. I think I need to rotate his sneakers now.

At 6:56 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Sex is a lot more subjective of a sport. I'd suggest a panel of judges.

Mist1: 8.9., 9.2, 8.8

(You need to work on your dismount.)

At 6:59 AM, Anonymous swamp said...

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,...just my OCD kicking in. Don't mind me. Clip it to the kick start on the vibrator.

At 7:01 AM, Blogger Chrissy121875 said...

Hmmm...the wheels are turning here. Trying to figure out a prototype to help Mist invent a gadget that tells you how many calories she's burning while having sex. Is there one available on the market yet? LOL! I'm thinkin' something you can wear on your wrist like a watch (though that might not look so sexy)! Imagine...wearing nuthin' but a funky looking gadget on your wrist? Maybe we can think up a fashionable looking one...

LOL..just kidding ;)

At 7:01 AM, Blogger Momentary Academic said...

I think that there was some kind of exercise book that said that one doesn't burn a lot of calories during sex.

But your pedometer theory could prove everyone wrong.

At 7:04 AM, Blogger Tug said...

Throw it away - you start thinking of exercise during sex, it's over.

(Did you wear the Forrest Gump smilie t-shirt during YOUR walk?)

At 7:43 AM, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

Hehehe. I was asking hubby yesterday where our pedometer is. Now that spring is coming, I got to get out and get some walking in!

At 7:48 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


It might pull my hair. Good.


That's a busy kid.


Is that low score from the German judge.


Don't get me started counting.


I'm going to have to have something implanted.


Clearly, the author never slept with me.


Excellent point. And no, I don't do smilies.


Sure, walking...

At 8:03 AM, Blogger Dagromm said...

You know, I'm not sure there isn't any invention that couldn't be made better by the addition of a vibrating function. Except maybe a stapler.

Have a Splendid Day,


At 8:20 AM, Blogger fringes said...

Clip it to the head board. The back and forth banging simulates the walking motion. Not that I have any way of knowing this to be true.

At 8:24 AM, Blogger Alicia said...

Ben Wa balls give me motivation to exercise.
Love 'em.

At 8:25 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

There are easier ways to find out how many calories you are burning during sex.
I will probably be fired for Googling that at work. But you're worth it.

At 8:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've heard that people are talented if they can walk and chew gum at the same time, but what about sex? sounds like a challenge you could really step (ha ha)up to.

At 8:52 AM, Blogger Lee said...

I'd go with His nipple.

At 8:55 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Even a stapler wouldn't be too bad.


Again, don't want to smash it with my head.


I can't even read the words ben wa balls and not laugh.


I am worth it. Very few people seem to get that.


I can chew gum and do all kinds of things.

At 8:57 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


But wouldn't that be how many calories he's burning? Plus the pedometer is set for me.

At 9:02 AM, Blogger you'dneverguess said...

I think you should affix it to your ankle, like a house arrest monitor. Might make sex better, convict sex? Pretty hot.

At 9:14 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I like the way you think.

At 9:24 AM, Blogger Matt said...


Is that low score from the German judge.

Yeah, it's all politics. You definately got screwed.

At 9:26 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


At least I got screwed. How's your love life?

At 9:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should invent one that vibrates with each step. Then implant it into a pair of panties. Not only will you and every other woman be incredibly thin from all the walking we will do, but YOU will be extremely rich.

It's like a BOB but with weight loss bennies.

At 9:46 AM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

I picture something new, maybe shaped like a donut. Everytime it's banged....maybe call it a pudometer.

At 9:49 AM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

If we hear screaming and cursing, we'll know where you hooked it to.

At 9:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mist - did you seriously ask what you would clip it to during sex? I'd say probably the electrical cord !!



At 10:16 AM, Blogger Lee said...

Oh...well, I just wanted Something clamped on His nipple.

At 10:29 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Have I ever told you how smart you are?


That's a fabulous name.


Yeah, my earlobes are pretty sensitive.


I can't believe you just outed me like that.


So does he, Lee. So does he.

At 10:31 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

So, were the calories expended on the bar curcuit equal to or lesser than the caloric intake? That would be a handy thing to know.


At 10:43 AM, Blogger Comedy + said...

Heck, I liked the bar stuff. Heck with walking unless you are going to a different bar. Opps...time for my walk. Vibrating pedometer? Need one now!

At 11:02 AM, Blogger fringes said...

Dang. I'm a comment-repeater. That has absolutely never happened before. Back to my beach side drink.

(How big is your head, anyway? Clip it to the right or clip it to the left. There are ways of working these things out.)

At 11:12 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I rarely need useful information. It can be so disappointing.


I thought you were going to tell a joke. Something like, so, Mist walks into a bar, right?


My head is pretty large. It's not that it's overly big or anything, it's just that I have big hair and a thick skull.

At 11:50 AM, Blogger Jim said...

You could get a belt. If that works then you could check out these figures for us.
With the charts you really don't need a pediometer, or a fellow for that matter. Just do the math.
I took my pedometer back. I had to wear it on the outside because it had a radio. But the radio didn't work.

At 12:34 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Please come back later. I'm busy doing math.

At 12:37 PM, Blogger Diesel said...

If you invented that vibrating pedometer, there would be a lot more hot chicks in the world with even less interest in me.

At 1:28 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


This is part of my Presidential plan.

At 1:54 PM, Blogger Mr. Shife said...

Just have it surgically implanted like a pacemaker, and then you can download the data whenever you want on your super computer. Or you can just duct tape it to your lover's back. I am sure he would not mind.

At 1:57 PM, Anonymous Karmyn said...

I was going to say : I'm sure you will find a good place to put it!

but looks like everyone beat me to the punch.

At 2:04 PM, Blogger Echomouse said...

I used to have a pedometer too. Never occurred to me to use it during sex.

I seriously need to get out more.

Oh and a HUGE vote YEAH from me on the vibrating/implanting features. Christ, somebody has to get on that and get it in the stores!

At 3:10 PM, Blogger Avitable said...

You can just clip it to my back hair. I don't mind.

At 3:35 PM, Blogger * (asterisk) said...

Would clipping it to your ear work? It would certainly look attractive.

At 3:36 PM, Blogger Jay said...

You are an inspiration to crazies everywhere.

At 3:48 PM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

forget about it, it'll only get in your way. Only places I can think of would hurt, unless of course, you like that kind of stuff.......

At 6:17 PM, Blogger C said...

It's the new fangled tit clamp. Hey I use a pedometer daily to count my steps but I don't use it while having sex because frankly I don't have sex much anyways and well that's another story in itself but my point is, it's not a good way to start a relationship with your pedometer since it's like you are cheating on it right in front of it.

At 6:30 PM, Blogger tkkerouac said...

I really like the fact that your part nerd.

At 6:38 PM, Blogger Gucci Muse said...

Use it as a poor substitute for a diaphragm if you wish...

At 6:46 PM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Still, I wonder, if I wear it while having sex, will it tell me how many calories I am burning?

Not too many. From what I remember, you pretty much just lay there.

At 7:19 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

I'm afraid I can't help with either of those last two questions. I can say that I consistently think my pedometer is shorting me on the number of steps I take. I guess I looked pretty stupid throwing it to the ground last time I checked the mileage...

At 7:42 PM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

hi mist. i'm sick. sick sucks. wear the pedometer like one of those ankle bracelets the cops put on you to track your whereabouts. they must know what they're doing, right?

smiles, bee

At 9:02 PM, Blogger Pickled Olives said...

Tape it on and hope for a marathon session if its good, a sprint if its bad.

At 9:19 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I am making a doctor's appointment. I am sure that he will have no objection to making me a sex cyborg.


You have to be quick here.


We need to get you out of Canada more.


I don't care how many calories you burn.


I wonder if it would send a little electric current through my earlobe.


Thanks for noticing.


Of course I don't like that sort of stuff. Ahem.


No wonder he hasn't registered a single one of my steps all day. He's angry.


Well, yeah.


I don't think it's waterproof.


I am a pillow queen.


There is no room for violence in a pedometer relationship.


You're sick from that cruise ship. Don't spread your germs in the comments here.


I am sort of a sprinter. No need to keep me up late.

At 9:33 PM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

I think if you did it standing up and were really enthusiastic about it, it would work. On a lot of levels.

At 9:34 PM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

I think if you did it standing up and were really enthusiastic about it, it would work. On a lot of levels.

At 6:48 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Standing up is good. I have the best shoes for it.

At 12:41 AM, Blogger Crack La Rock said...

"Last year, I bought a pedometer" Funny last yeah I was convicted as a Pedafile..but that's neither here nor there.

At 6:35 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I like pedicures.


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"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut

Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA

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