Chocolate
I didn't give anything up for Lent this year. I decided that G*d wants me to do more with my life, not less. There are plenty of things that I could have given up. I could have quit smoking or drinking or bathing, but really, I'm a much more agreeable person when I am doing all of those things.I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday and she brought up Lent. She's given up caffeine. She could hardly stay awake throughout the conversation. She asked me what I gave up. I told her that I hadn't given up anything. I am all too familiar with the look that she gave me when I said that. It's the look that says You Are Such a Heathen and May You Rot for All Eternity. Rather than explain that I wasn't observing Lent, I clarified, "I mean, I'm not giving up anything besides chocolate." It seemed best to make her think that in years past, I had given up a number of things because I am so devout.
I wasn't sure why I said chocolate. It just came to me. "Mist, you just ate a bag of chocolate covered almonds." Crap. I guess that's why chocolate came to mind.
"Those are heart healthy chocolates and I don't mean that kind of chocolate," I said. She looked puzzled. I explained that I had given up black men. Really, it's pretty logical. No Sexual Brown Chocolate until Memorial Day or whenever Lent is over. I think it makes quite a statement to give up seeing black men until the day when I can start wearing my white shoes.
She looked at me to see if I was telling the truth. Feeling pressured, I continued, "I'm not messing with anything brown at all. Not even UPS. I am strictly FedEx for awhile."
"DHL is pretty good too," she said.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:36 AM
101 Comments:
What a delightful anecdote! I was in dire need of a laugh tonight, and you provided one! Thank you!
I don't know, those UPS guys are pretty hot.
Personally, I just give up getting hit by a bus every year.
I've given up Lent. It's working pretty well.
sunny,
I'm pretty good for a laugh. Also, I am extremely devout.
Thanks for coming by.
churlita,
I love the shorts.
claudia,
Did you just give it up for Lent or did you give it up for good?
I used to give up something to strengthen my will power and be a better person. Then I realized that if God had wanted me to be good, he would have made me a Catholic.
I am not even kidding in my other tab of firefox open next to this one is my ups tracking page...I am telling them not to deliver to the house tommorow because they think that I prefer "2nd Attempt Sorry we missed you" stickers on my door to actually getting my package. Brown scoundrels... in protest I am givng up sleeping with black men too!!
You should've told her you gave up eggs. Not just for Lent, but for life.
I gave up self-denial for Lent. And lemming-like thinking. But giving up a colour? That's tough.
Puss
Hell yeah! Now it's white chocolate's turn to make the move while I have the chance!
Quick save! You really do think fast on your feet don't you?
So who thinks you're devout?
If you give up UPS, you have to give up Amazon. That'd be tough for moi.
i've given up political correctness and punctuation
So I'm assuming anal sex is out for a while, too?
hearts,
I like your logic.
crack,
We have so much in common.
lizza,
Even my own eggs?
puss,
It was the best I could do.
av,
Commence with the wooing.
icl,
I really do.
edgy,
I haven't read a book since this whole blogging thing happened to me. Do they still make books?
eye,
Please note your use of the apostrophe.
nwjr,
Let's not get crazy.
I don't know if I could give up some chocolate thunda...but I would pick DHL over FEDEX.
It really is best not to color-coordinate your shoes with your sexual partners.
cbaby,
My FedEx guy is awfully dependable.
tammy,
Interesting, I'm not sure you're right.
my bud works for the brown.
Your decision probably makes him quite happy.
I love telling overtly religious zealots that I'm giving up hypocrisy for Lent. It confuses the hell out of them.
I bet you couldn't give up blogging for Lent.
Heathen.
wreck,
Tell him to take a vacation.
furious,
I could never give up hypocrisy.
matt,
I am weak.
What a perfect ending! My God, I'm in tears I'm laughing so much.
I gave up black men some time ago. they are just too sweet and break me out. Come to think of it, I also gave up Orientals. I am not a big fan of small eggrolls.
kevin,
You have strong feelings about DHL.
dallas,
I like pot stickers.
Oh shoot. I forgot about Lent. Maybe this year I had better just give up caring. It's almost like a free pass when you think about it. The job, chores, etc. can all be explained away with a simple, 'my religion has allowed me not to care about that until sometime between either Easter or Memorial Day.'
*sigh*
lucky i'm not black or brown, I'm TAN ... you don't mind fudging the rules a little, right?
michael,
You can't give up caring. That sounds like something in a Care Bear movie. Yes, I used to have a Care Bear. Shuttup.
tan,
We'll just keep the lights off.
I gave up not having sex. Lent has been pretty good so far!
I gave up my children.
It's been nice to finally have some quiet around here.
olives,
That was a wise choice.
alicia,
I think I heard about you on the news.
av,
Sour cream & onion or BBQ?
Just thought about it - you've seen Adrian - I guess I gave up chocolate too - he's more like cappachino after the foam melts down.
jali,
He's like a pat of butter.
I think you are right. God wants you to do more with your life not less. But I suppose if you were gonna give something up brown is almost painless......
mutt,
So far, I'm doing okay.
I am over here in the Amen Corner. Meet me for drinks and we'll both bring the cute white boys.
Regarding color-coordinating your shoes with your sexual partners, the danger is that they might think they're on equal footing.
At least you didn't give up meat. Whew.
fringes,
I'll be right there. Order a vodka tonic for me.
tammy,
You're right, I should coordinate my shoes with my sheets.
ctw,
Don't be foolish.
I gave up observing lent for lent this year.
It's been tough but I think I'm gonna make it.
yvonne,
That's what I should have told her that I gave up.
mist1, remember ups men are teamsters. why not just give up teamsters of all colors and be done with it?
smiles, bee
I could never give up my UPS guy... he's always so happy to see me.
Mr.Fed-Ex doesn't even ring the doorbell, but just chucks the package on our doormat.
I'm glad you woke her up long enough to feed her that pack of lies.
Just to be safe, you should stay off the prairie, too, until the end of Lent, as there are many tall, brown grasses there. x
I tried giving up black men...I failed...miserably.
Steve~
Yeah, you should have said giving up eggs, since they make you gag and dry heave. Enjoyed this piece just like all your other posts. You are a hoot!
bee,
I think I'd rather give up chocolate.
qofd,
We are going to have so much fun. Do you mind if I smoke?
velvet,
Mr. FedEx did his Friday dance for me today. It was a little uncomfortable.
jocelyn,
I moved off the prairie a long time ago. Say hi to Ma and Pa for me the next time you're in Walnut Grove.
steven,
They're like crack.
comedy,
I'm not good when I'm pressured.
I'm addicted to chocolate.
(yeah, it's a pun)
Well, I for one support your decision about white men--they've been getting a lot of good press lately. There's just a real buzz about them.
chick,
I love that.
lux,
Wait, chocolate or chocolate chocolate?
matt,
They're all the rage right now.
When I went to Catholic school, I was always confused with Lent.
It's a good thing you got your BOB before you gave up brown.
Way to stick to your guns. I gave up Lent for Lent. It has worked out nicely I must say. Have a wonderful weekend and Happy St. Patty's Day.
Definitely BBQ.
yng,
B.O.B. is red.
shife,
I gave up St. Patty's Day for Lent.
av,
Can I call you KC Masterpiece?
Only if I can call you finger-lickin' good.
av,
I will dress up like Colonel Sanders.
I don't give things up because I'm not a quitter.
And I always feel happy when I see the UPS truck.
Now we're getting kinky.
I am giving up depriving myself for Lent. I actually started smoking and drinking more.
i gave up ridiculous religious observance for lent.
seb,
I always have to run after the UPS truck. I can never get to the door quickly enough.
av,
I thought you'd like that one.
qofd,
I think sex and drinking are also okay.
123,
I support you in your faith.
omni,
Ridiculous observances are my life.
i did not think i would have a religious lesson from you - but look i did! :o) white shoes after memorial day.
Lent? What's that? All I know is that "On the 3rd day he rose again...in fullfillment of the scriptures and was ascended in to heaven and is seated at the right side of the Father. He will come again in glory, to judge the living and the dead. We believe in one holy, apostolic church. We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins. We look for the ressurrection of the dead, and the life and the world to come...Amen." God! I feel like I just got slapped by a nun! Now what were you saying about giving up black men?
nofear,
Bless you, my child. You may kiss the ring.
tallulah,
My eyes burned upon reading that. I cannot respond.
Not being Catholic I never had to give up anything EVER...that's probably why I can't give up chocolate to this day.
A Care Bear, really?
I think I had a cabbage patch doll, so we'll call it even ;-)
I'm giving up sex with Gerard Butler for Lent. I hope Jesus appreciates my sacrifice.
LOL! I always try to give up Girl Scout cookies for Lent. I usually make it about 2 hours...
A day without black men is like a day without sunshine.
Holy God, i love you........
I don't understand the concept behind Lent. Will have to look into it.
I'm not giving up anything for anybody, am selfish.
Another fantastic post. I have a problem giving anything up. Anytime. and this I think it makes quite a statement to give up seeing black men until the day when I can start wearing my white shoes. is crazy genius which all of us know is smarter than the sane kind.
I LOVE chocolate. I would kill for chocolate (I have killed for chocolate ... shhhh).
Now every time the UPS guy makes a delivery I'm going to want to jump him. He's gay, too, so he probably won't stop me.
karmyn,
Giving up chocolate is a sure fire way to get into heaven.
michael,
I had a Premie.
brooke,
I wish I had a butler. I would have sex with him.
ee,
Damn Girl Scouts.
diesel,
That is poetry.
stak,
The L word makes me run and cower behind the couch.
orhan,
I'm sure you'll be moved to give up something too.
es,
That's what kind of fish I am too.
monkey,
Crazy genius is what I prefer to call myself.
dan,
I think I heard a story on the news about a UPS guy getting jumped. Was that you?
I had two preemies. Oh wait, they were real....
i'm trying to keep myself together over here, trying not to break down in tears or be too offended.
brothas always gettin' the short end of the stick.
michael,
Do they have Xavier Roberts on their butts?
kiyotoe,
Lent only lasts 40 days. Dry your eyes.
As a recovering Catholic, I no longer give up anything for lent, erm, Lent. This, however, does not mean I cannot appreciate the gravity of your sacrifice. It almost makes me want to make up a (fake) one of my own. ahem! I am giving up gin, both the drink and the cardgame, for Lent. Now pass me the vodka; it's time for a martini.
nance,
I'll join you in giving up gin. Please don't ever take away my vodka.
Good post! I never give up anything for Lent, nor do I make New Years resolutions.
One thing for sure, you can
... Oops! Cover your eyes, I don't want you to be "seeing black men" that are coming by just now!
..
Too me ducks are some of the messiest birds, I don't like birds. Maybe you could put them on the pill to help out with your problem--and mine?
..
I remember my Catholic friend batting on about giving things up for Lent in high school. She never lasted... I don't think her heart was in it.
Now I guess you won't know for a while, what Brown can do for you. They have Lenten Specials.
*if you somehow find that you've got nothing to post about...tag. you're it. ;-)*
good luck holding your poop until Easter!!!
jim,
I don't make resolutions either.
amy,
Judging from everyone's responses, it seems like the idea is to give up something that you never do/eat/drink etc.
gucci,
The sacrifice is part of the struggle.
heather,
Nothing to post about? Clearly, you don't know how my mind works. If I don't have anything to post about, I just wear something really inappropriate.
miztris,
Ew.
lol, thought perhaps if you were too hungover to think about phrasing and such. :-)
I would have loved to have been watching her face as she came to the realization of what you were talking about. "DHL". Sheesh.
P.S. I dated a UPS guy once. It was memorable. I also dated a cop. And a Navy Seal. I have to find a fireman now, to seal the deal with all the great uniforms out there.
heather,
I'll play along.
junk,
I had a crush on a UPS man once. I scheduled a daily pickup line.
The best UPS quote I have ever heard was from our secretary at work. After the UPS guy came and left she made this observation:
"Damn, they be hookin' those UPS brothers up! They got the hat and the pants and the jacket!"
I'm sure that's people join the UPS team. All the free gear.
todd,
They also get those sexy shorts.
you are a goddess! (not that there was ~ever~ a doubt in my mind.) thanks for playing!
thanks for reminding me that i have been observing lent for like, the last 8 months shit. lol.
Brown shorts are sexy?
I'll see you at Walmart, I've got some shopping to do...
1
I guess it's back to the drawing board for me. Do I have to give up black or brown women? Or can I skate on just giving up black men too?
"I think it makes quite a statement to give up seeing black men until the day when I can start wearing my white shoes." = classic.
heather,
Anytime.
k,
You are so devout. G*d looks favorably upon you.
todd,
Brown shorts are hot. Get the visor too.
0,
Go ahead and give up black men too. It passes.
mystery,
I know, right? What would you do? Open toe. I know.
I gave up giving up stuff for Lent for Lent.
lex,
I think there's enough people who did that to start your own cult/religion.
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