To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Thursday, March 29, 2007

Mixed Nuts


I love group therapy.

I hadn't been to group in a long time. Too long. I was starting to miss it.

Every session, I would imagine that I was a guest on a talk show. Group therapy is much like a talk show. There is a host and corporate pharmaceutical sponsorship that makes it all possible. Really, the biggest difference is that there is never a musical guest.

Sometimes, I was the person in need of tough love. Other times, I felt like an expert panelist. Mostly, I wanted to be the host. Without the credentials, of course.

I like the check-in part where you get to list off all your sins since the last meeting. I liked knowing that other people had done worse things than I had done. It was refreshing to hear the guilt of others over seemingly mundane stuff like obsessively plucking out a patch of hair.

Group therapy is a setting in which it is entirely acceptable to be on and talk about drugs. Half the group will be nodding out from a new prescription. The other half will be twitching like crickets on crack. We compare notes and talk about our personal preferences. Does it make you suicidal? Did you gain weight? How's the sex? Can you drink on it? How long does it take to wear off? It's really the only place outside of college where you can talk about drugs and sex so openly with the advantage of being able to say things about strange habits like flossing several times a day.

Recently, I went back to group. I felt like a past celebrity guest who came back for an update. I told them about life on the other side of group. I confessed that I still have thoughts and behaviors that make me uncomfortable, but that I am learning to set boundaries and I don't see those little bugs at all anymore. I asked them to hold their questions until the Q & A period generously provided at the end of the meeting. I also informed them that I would be available for autographs later. I plugged my blog and told them about what it's like to work with my therapist. She is brilliant, really. She has such a command over her craft. Seriously, she is never out of character throughout our entire session. I feel so honored to have had the opportunity (read: insurance) work with her.

I can't wait to go back. I've got this really convincing way of scratching a hole in the skin on my left arm.

Mist 1


71 Comments:

At 9:44 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Ouch! Reminds me of the time I had to fake a needle prick because of the blood test I used as an excuse but never went to. Like an idiot, I wore a long sleeve shirt to work the following day, so all the effort and pain was wasted...

 
At 9:50 PM, Blogger Avitable said...

I prefer group sex.

 
At 9:57 PM, Blogger Churlita said...

Who knew that group therapy could be so helpful...Wow, they really let you plug your blog? Maybe I should start going.

 
At 10:08 PM, Blogger Arthur Dent said...

I don't really need group therapy... my classes are more than enough.

 
At 10:32 PM, Blogger maximo said...

i'm reading your old entries. you must marry me.

 
At 10:43 PM, Blogger Sebastien said...

I want to join a group now, this sounds awesome. Do you get a complementary flamethrower at the end of sessions? That'd be interesting.

 
At 10:57 PM, Blogger Jonas said...

Maximo said it best.

 
At 11:46 PM, Anonymous Karmyn said...

Come on - I find it hard to believe there wasn't at least ONE musical guest at some point.

 
At 12:22 AM, Blogger SQT said...

Wow, your therapist must be good; mine can hardly ever keep a straight face.

 
At 2:18 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Don't scratch. Cut. It's much more dramatic.

 
At 4:38 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Group got expensive - that's why I took up blogging. It's much the same deal, except I get to do nearly all the talking.

Puss

 
At 4:46 AM, Blogger Lee said...

I have extreme fear of public speaking. Group therapy would make me jump.

 
At 5:09 AM, Blogger K said...

damn, i halfway expected you to start thanking G*d like they do at the award shows.

 
At 5:10 AM, Blogger Michael Thomas said...

Crickets on Crack. That's a good one. I was in group once. They hardly ever called on me - I wasn't screwed up enough to be the main speaker. I got bored listening to all those f-d up people. They were making me crazy. So I left.

 
At 5:12 AM, Blogger Michael Thomas said...

Oh, and does it bother anyone that "Therapist" could have been mispelled way back in history. I think it was probably "The Rapist" back then. 'Cause one way or another, they are going to get some.

 
At 5:20 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

Rehab is for quitters. You know this, don't you?

 
At 5:20 AM, Blogger Pickled Olives said...

I decided to be my own therapist and it has greatly improved my view on therapy in general!

 
At 6:16 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

You have to coordinate your wardrobe around your excuses.

av,

My insurance doesn't cover that.

churlita,

When you have the floor, you can say whatever you'd like.

arthur,

Maybe I'll start coming to your classes. What's the copay?

maximo,

I give us a year.

seb,

The flamethrower got kicked out.

jonas,

Fight for me.

karmyn,

Seriously, do you know any good bands?

sqt,

Mine just raises her eyebrow.

fab,

I'm not a cutter.

puss,

Well, yeah. That's pretty much why I do this.

lee,

They will give you meds to help with that. You won't feel a thing.

k,

The music cut me off.

michael,

I would have to protest if I wasn't the craziest one in group.

nwjr,

Who said anything about rehab? I go to group to get new ideas.

olives,

How much do you charge yourself per session?

 
At 6:36 AM, Blogger Matt said...

I'll never forget the time I ran into my ex-girlfriend's therapist.

AWKWARD!

 
At 6:38 AM, Blogger Matt said...

So I says to this woman I met recently, "Are ya seeing anyone? I mean... clinically?"

 
At 6:44 AM, Anonymous Slick said...

As always, I'm sure you were the "life of the party"

 
At 6:53 AM, Blogger maximo said...

then it's a deal!

i can handle a year. i couldn't promise anything beyond that anyhow.

 
At 7:20 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

That's a fantastic line.

slick,

I really am.

maximo,

My fear of commitment is raging right now. I have to go to group.

 
At 7:22 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

I'll take you on pro bono.

 
At 7:27 AM, Blogger maximo said...

i'm going to count you as my 3rd almost-girlfriend this year.

WOOT! this is sooo my year!

 
At 7:31 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

I'm thinking about putting my MOM in a support group thingy because she thinks the things that happen on the soap operas are real.

 
At 7:50 AM, Blogger Ariel said...

I like to go to the wrong meetings. There's nothing like talking about being a sex addict at a AA meeting. Sometimes it makes me wonder if the stories drive them to drinking.

 
At 8:22 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

av,

I am pro boner.

maximo,

You get around.

nolff,

What do you mean? Soap operas aren't real?

ariel,

The group next to mine is Ice Breakers. It's for recovering meth addicts. I want to attend just for the name.

 
At 8:33 AM, Blogger La Cubana Gringa said...

Sounds like you're on your way to having a good show of your own...

Hopefully your show will have a designated band...you know, so that you can exchange witty banter with the lead vocalist just like Conan O'Brien does.

 
At 8:36 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

lcg,

I want a band and a theme song to much it hurts.

 
At 8:36 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Avi said "bono" heh heh heh

OMG IceBreakers? Are you shitting me? THAT is what they call the meth addict meeting?

*taking note for future suppliers*

 
At 8:44 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Ha! I knew EXACTLY what you were going to say in response. I should have emailed it to you and said "Don't open this until you reply to my comment."

I'm pro-boner too.

 
At 8:46 AM, Blogger maximo said...

it's true. i'm a slut.

 
At 9:14 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

I always figured that blogging was group therapy anyway. And waaay cheaper.

 
At 9:17 AM, Blogger Alicia said...

You're a celebrity of sorts.

 
At 9:35 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

scotts,

I didn't even make that up. They meet on Friday nights.

av,

Damn. It's like you're in my head.

maximo,

That's what I heard.

velvet,

Blogging doesn't come with free coffee.

alicia,

I have lots of fans. I have a little silk screened Japanese fan. That's my favorite. But I also have an oscillating fan.

 
At 9:35 AM, Blogger Natalia said...

I have a friend who claims everyone should go to therapy. I used to think she was nuts. Now I am thinking she is right.

-N

 
At 9:41 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

natalia,

She's right. Everyone should go.

 
At 9:49 AM, Blogger stephanie said...

Therapy was one of the best things I ever did for myself, but I never tried group... It was hard enough baring my soul to my therapist, but a group of strangers...

Oh, wait.

I have a blog. I already do that.

Nevermind.

(BTW, found you through Avi and I adore your blog!)

 
At 10:00 AM, Blogger jali said...

I wanna go too!

 
At 10:14 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Now you need to start a book club. And a magazine called "M."

 
At 10:32 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

you are such a rock star, mist!

 
At 10:37 AM, Blogger wreckless said...

I'll be your groupie.

 
At 10:53 AM, Blogger karma lennon said...

If I had only looked at group therapy in the way you do, I would've done much better in that hospital.....

 
At 10:58 AM, Anonymous bice said...

It's like an episode of Cheers, except group is funny.

 
At 11:09 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

steph,

Group is the best because it sounds like of like grope. And groping is good.

Thanks for coming by.

jali,

What happens in group stays in group. Unless I blog about it.

hearts,

I am going to be the only one on the cover of M. No one else will ever grace the cover.

miztris,

Yes, I am. I'm sure my latent musical talent will come out soon.

wreck,

I expect you to always want the seat next to me in group.

karma,

Lord, I love the hospital. Don't get me started.

bice,

Also, people are a little twitchier in group.

 
At 11:27 AM, Blogger Comedy + said...

Mist, if you are picking at your arm, shouldn't you be in the Friday night group? Don't do the cutting thing. It's too dangerous. One slip and it could be the end of Mist. We can't have that.

 
At 11:31 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

comedy,

I have plans on Friday night. I can't make that group.

 
At 11:39 AM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Um, excuse me, I thought blogging WAS therapy. I guess I really am delusional.

 
At 11:46 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

cruiser,

I will ask my therapist what she thinks about that.

 
At 12:23 PM, Blogger Roadchick said...

It's when you start scratching holes in other people's arms that you really get center stage.

And a Thorazine dart.

And possibly a restaining order.

All publicity is good publicity though!

 
At 12:36 PM, Blogger The CEO said...

1,
Perhaps you should start the 24/7 group therapy blog? I wonder if insurance would cover it? Cams, of course.

 
At 12:38 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

chick,

I like darts.

 
At 12:39 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I can only take so much therapy. After a few hours, it would drive me nuts. Then, I would need another group. Maybe your idea is pretty good after all.

 
At 1:00 PM, Blogger Curiosity.Killer said...

Y'know, if and only if I'm anywhere remotely close to the dirty south -- I would so jump on the chance and say, when and where?

But I'm not. So all I can do is imagine how sane I must look hanging with your group. Even with me scratching a hole my right thigh.

What kind of music you're thinking?

 
At 1:03 PM, Blogger Curiosity.Killer said...

Oh yeah, I forgot to add. I meant to be the musical star guest...

(Scratching my right arm now.)

 
At 1:12 PM, Blogger Nance said...

Now, see, I couldn't do group OR a talk show because then i'd have to let other people talk. that's just really not going to work for me.

 
At 1:19 PM, Blogger mysterygirl! said...

I will write you a completely original theme song, if you like.

And I hope you like the song from "Shaft," because I basically just changed the pronouns and inserted the word "Mist!" where "Shaft!" would usually go.

Mist! Damn right...

 
At 1:26 PM, Blogger choochoo said...

By the way, I ran into this crazy woman at the bus stop the other day. When you force ppl to listen to your insane thoughts, does that count as group therapy?

 
At 2:01 PM, Blogger Todd said...

Group sounds a lot like Catholic School!

 
At 2:28 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

curiosity,

I guess I'll have to wait to see you in group.

I would like a rotating musical guest.

nance,

That does pose a problem for me, but I can always manage to steer the conversation back to me.

mystery,

The word shaft makes me have impure thoughts.

choo,

Yes.

todd,

We don't dress the same. Everyone is encouraged to express themselves through their style of dress.

 
At 4:16 PM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

see? Now I'm scared....

Damn!

 
At 4:46 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

kiyotoe,

We can work on your fear in group.

 
At 5:36 PM, Blogger That's one clever little Yvonne said...

Is group therapy cheaper than one-on-one therapy?

 
At 6:35 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

yvonne,

I am a bargain shopper. It is a fraction of the cost. Plus, you get a smoke break.

 
At 7:11 PM, Blogger Williebee said...

You silly. That wasn't group therapy. It was the market research group for Pfizer and Abbott Labs.

 
At 7:21 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

willie,

Did I pass? Will I get the free drugs?

 
At 10:09 AM, Blogger Faz the Cat said...

Why would you need to go to group therapy - you're clearly the sanest person I know! On the other hand it would be fun way to pass the time to set the other 'groupers' back several months in their therapy.

 
At 11:10 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

faz,

A girl has one little breakdown in a hotel and has to spend four days in fetal position under the hotel desk, refusing to check out or to get on an airplane and all of a sudden she needs therapy.

 
At 9:59 AM, Blogger anyjazz said...

This is richly funny material. I am hooked. Even my cat is laughing and I wasn't even aware he could read. Wait, no he's not laughing, he just swallowed a bug. Never mind.

My word verification for this comment is "manwhyp".

 
At 12:05 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

any,

I want a manwhyp.

 

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