Pots & Pads
I don't smoke pot. I gave it up a long time ago when I discovered that when I mix pot and alcohol, I puke. As I am deeply in love with alcohol and less than completely enamored with vomiting, I had to say farewell to pot.I don't really miss it. When I smoke pot all of my limited social skills disappear. I never know what I said last or how long ago I said it or if I said it really, really loud. I wonder if it is time for me to say anything again. Then, I realize that I have no idea what we were talking about and so I have nothing to say. Also, the urges to clean out the drawers in my desk or dust the blinds or reorganize my bookshelf becomes overwhelming and I have to go find my rubber gloves or my happy place.
Naturally, finding my rubber gloves is a challenge and I end up unearthing a whole bunch of other crap and I can't remember what I was looking for in the first place, so I have to go back to the conversation that I had previously dropped out of. Thus, the cycle starts again. Wait, did I just say that?
I don't dislike pot. I don't dislike pot smokers. But, it's difficult to explain to pot smokers that I can't smoke for fear of vomiting in public. It's even harder to explain that I really want to find some rubber gloves to clean something but I just can't remember what that something is.
My lovely, but nearly retarded friend Sue knows that I don't smoke. When she travels with me, she understands that she is responsible for stuffing her bra with her own pot as I will be unable to help her acquire any. It's always exciting to see what she will pull out of her bra. I call them party boobs.
I can't even get a bottle of hand sanitizer through security at the airport, but she can manage to smuggle her weight in pot across various borders. Apparently, cleavage is very distracting. I have suggested that she use her cleavage to smuggle illegal immigrants across the border, but she can't figure out how she will get them into her bra when it is stuffed full of pot.
The last time that we traveled together, she decided to try a different approach. She stuffed a giant sized nighttime pad with wings full of pot. Her biggest mistake was taking the pot out of its original plastic bag before slicing the pad with a razor and inserting the pot into the pad.
When she went to pull the pot out of the pad, it was coated in soft, downy cotton and that mysterious blue gel that is intended to wick moisture away from the body.
The other thing that I don't do besides smoking pot is go down on girls. When Sue offered me a joint of pot with an absorbent core, all I could tell her was that I don't mix pot and crotch.
"More for me," she shrugged.
She blazed, and the smell of burning cotton and hair filled the room.
Mist 1
P.S. Writing the words pot and pad so many times has made me think of Pol Pot and that makes me feel more intelligent in that Khmer Rouge sort of way. I guess I didn't smoke too much pot during those five years it took me to get that liberal arts degree.
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:51 AM
112 Comments:
Wow, hygienic pads and foreign dictators? It takes a very intelligent blogger to weave those together. Did I already tell you I'm tagging you with the Thinking Blogger Award? You just proved why!
I counted today that I now have to take 7 pills every morning and 4 every night. And I still don't know what it feels like to be high...just dependent.
first to comment, beyotch !
pot and pads. PAP.
I gave up pot for the very same reason...and I don't have rubber gloves
I have rubber gloves but I use them to protect my hands from the hair dye with such strong fumes that it pretty has the same effect on me as pot. It makes me feel like I'm not quite right and everything is much brighter and I need to drink something.
Only pot I've ever used is a big 'ol stainless steel one to cook chili. Mmmmm, so meaty.
I'm not a big fan of crotch pot either. In fact, it's the main reason I got me some new boobs. Boob pot is so much better. Less fishy.
Pot inspires in me a dangerous blend of paranoid autism and therefore, I don't partake. Girl crotch doesn't do much for me either.
1,
I gave up pot too, but as you know I adore girl's crotches, and I dine there as often as possible. I will admit, I have never smoked one yet, but, with Sue, there's always a first time. Perhaps we should meet.
Luna pads!
I'm wearing one of those right now. Some pot would help with the cramps, actually, but I'm already stupid and paranoid. I don't need any help with that.
Mmmmm... girl crotch....
Nuff said.
When I was growing up in thailand I read an article in the bangkok ost that read in 8 point type 'POL POT TURNS OVER NEW GREEN LEAF" I cliped the head line. never read the article.
I don't do pot either, but I do go down on girls..(when the chance presents itself,which is not so often these days) Does this make me a bad person?
Alcohol = good
Pot = good
Pol Pot = not good
Pot + alcohol = so not good
Alc + Pot + Pol Pot = only time it ever made sense
Hey, wonder why they failed me at maths...i'm so flippin' good at it.
I can't think of a single wine that would go with crotch.
Smoking pot helps me forget genocide, not remember it. But crack makes me want to commit it.
Mostly, I just stick to dark chocolate and peppermint tea- it's safer that way.
Puss
I think Nancy Reagan could have used this for the Just Say No campaign.
The one about female crotches, not drugs.
One more reason to hate that evil lady.
You have such amazing friends! A bit wacko, but still amazing. Sue must be the only one who mixes pot and crotch.
It's been so long since I've had any pot. Your post just made me nostalgic, Ms. MistPot.
Last year, opening day for The Cleveland Indians. Went downtown to get hammered before the game. On the way from the bar to the stadium we smoked pot. I projectile vomited all over the backseat of my friend's car. I had to clean it up with the Indians jersey I was wearing, then spent the entire game drunk, high, and miserable because I was freezing in just a T-Shirt (it was 38 degrees). Good times!
This one's too weird not to be true. Pot makes me cry like a little boy. Just say no.
I don't mix pot and crotch either.
The last time I got stoned, I fell into an overgrown bush (one with leaves) and couldn't get out.
michael,
I am pretty sure that I have been tagged with the Drinking Blogger Award. Not the Thinking Blogger Award.
papy,
Smear. Sorry. That was gross.
Thanks for coming by.
tom,
You should really get some rubber gloves.
c,
Thanks for reminding me to make an appointment for coloring.
blitz,
I like chili.
lcg,
I'm going to have to get some boobs. I still won't be able to smoke pot.
churlita,
The paranoia was one of the best parts. I remember standing watch at the window for hours.
0,
I will have Sue email you with her travel requirements.
dawn,
If you are stupid and paranoid, you are in the right place. You're in good company here.
Thanks for coming by.
arthur,
I think perhaps you meant, "muff said."
anon,
I hope you still have it, pressed into a scrapbook.
mxi,
Not at all. Nothing wrong with going down.
spoon,
I think there is a formula to it, but I can never remember which I have to do first in order not to puke, so I just can't do it at all.
sqt,
Now, I am really, really curious. I hope a crotch fan will answer the question of which kind of wine goes best with crotch in the comments.
fab,
You don't need it. You are naturally beautiful.
puss,
Plus, dark chocolate is good for your heart.
gyuss,
I'll give Nancy a call to see if she wants to breathe some life into her campaign.
lizza,
I have very pretty friends. We are not bright. Sometimes, we just have to lie down because our brains hurt.
todd,
I bet you wish that you had asked me about mixing pot and alcohol. I could have helped you.
lee,
What's weird about pot and crotches and the Khmer Rouge?
edgy,
Are you still in that bush?
weird, i always thought pot helped control nausea, not cause it. lol fortunately i have never had a problem with either, seperately or together. ;-)
really? alcohol over pot? I would have gone in a completely different direction. Maybe because alcohol alone makes me vomit uncontrollably. pot just gives me a headache. given my obvious limitations with mood enhancers, I choose only to get high on life. haha!
Crotch pot Ewwwwwww. Pot makes all my nerves feel way too alert like a sleeping foot walking up and I curl into the fetal position waiting for it to wear off. Alcohol on the other hand is very tolerated in my system!!!
I don't miss the pot either. Although at the time I used my friends were a hell of a lot more fun.
Mist1--People generally use pot to TREAT nausea... and they tend to live in more squalid conditions than otherwise.
I've been on the wagon (read: out of pot) for four days now.
I tried telling my doctor that some girl gave me glaucoma but apparently that's not how glaucoma is "transmitted." Stupid scientists.
heather,
Just thinking about smoking pot and drinking makes me want to vomit.
yvonne,
Life is pretty good too. I like mine with vodka.
olives,
I can relate to the nerves thing. I have some stimulating side effects from pot.
blyfinn,
I still have many of the same friends. They are still fun.
matt,
People in a coma get to smoke pot?
I have the same thing happen to me. Pot in general makes me ill. I think I just get paranoid from smoking and end up making myself sick. Also, I can neither smoke or drink with my left hand without dropping/spilling something. This would mean that I have to put one or the other down for a moment when I'm partying. This is not an option.
Has Sue been hanging out with Lindsey Lohan??? That would explain the whole "fire crotch" thing with Paris Hilton . . .
Crotchpot.
Heh.
Along time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I used to smoke weed like I was going to win a contest if I smoked enough. I got so high one night during a dinner party we were having at my home in Atlanta that I couldn't find my bedroom. I asked my roommate at the time to draw a floorplan for me with a red arrow indicating the way to get to my bed. My roommate who wasn't quite as high as I was drew the arrow into a couple walls, which I of course slammed into. That's why they call it dope.
I'm never going to get glaucoma
ariel,
I am ambidextrous.
chick,
Sue and I did see the Nelson brothers at a bar. Lindsey wasn't there.
av,
I have a crotchpot. I use my Foreman Grill more often.
furious,
I walk into walls all the time.
nolff,
Preventative medicine is a good thing.
OK-pot goes inside the bra-as in the lining, illegals go more toward the armpits but still in the cup of the bra and don't try to fit more than 3 or a family of 4 with very small children, and cell phone, lipstick, and occasional Little Debbie snack go in the straps...
I can't tell you how happy it makes me to find out that someone else has the vomiting problem when smoking pot!! My best friend does not understand how it happens every.single.time. She now, understandably so, refuses to smoke pot with me.
So, I don't smoke anymore. I like my Grey Goose too much to give it up anyway.
Dear Mist,
They are all party boobs to me. Sometimes the party is just a little smaller.
Ever Yours,
Dagromm
cheekybaby,
I could go for a Little Debbie right now.
stephanie,
I'll drink to that.
Thanks for coming by.
dagromm,
I think my boobs qualify as small, intimate gatherings and not a full party.
In five years, you might have gotten a cumulative contact buzz.
But, see, I'd have attributed the Pol Pot connection as what you can conjure without weed and none of the icky clean up.
I'll add these things to my list I'm clearly keeping of things you won't do.
Don Johnson?
Sounds like Sue has a Mary Poppins Bra! Kinda likd Mary Poppins's carpet bag with all kinds of crap but more compact and portable.
I do not like vomiting either.
Crotch-Pot sounds kinda scary anyways... like a particularly nasty STD.
1,
Life is so good once you get some of the little details worked out. I'm so glad we had this discussion.
booda,
I haven't puked from a contact high yet.
andy,
I would do Don Johnson.
mayren,
It is magical.
mutt,
I know. Not puking is a good thing.
alicia,
It's curable.
0,
I can never remember the details.
My hubby knew a guy that hid the pot in his baby's diaper, in the little baggie of course. I'd say that the bra is a better place for it, but I was definetly reminded of the diaper with all this pad discussion!
Pot, Pol Pot, maxipads and oral sex. You've outdone yourself this time.
Pot just makes me fall asleep. Then I'm just taking up valuable chair/floor space.
I'll stick with alcohol.
kristyn,
Just when I thought my friends were low, you had to go and throw in the guy that stashes pot in the baby's diaper.
dorky,
Sometimes, my mind wanders. Then, I fall asleep. When I wake up, I wonder if I even posted a blog for the day.
velvet,
I took up valuable couch space last night.
Love your post title...teehee!
ewww, she got the absorbent core all over it? gross. I'd have smoked it anyway too, but gross.
OMG, now there will be an alert at every airport in the nation to be on the lookout for anyone named Sue that has lots of cleavage... This is histerical! You have the most interesting life and friends. I'm still looking for property in your neighborhood.
ee,
Does it make you want to put on your dress up clothes, smoke a joint, and parade through the house banging on pots with a wooden spoon? That's how I felt.
miztris,
So did she.
comedy,
The neighbors hate me. Deeply and sincerely hate me.
I think this is basically how the entire state of Oregon was founded.
liar,
Inside of pads? That's as believable as any other theory.
I accidentally smoked crack one time. I'll write about it.
It was nasty.
"Pots and pads" makes me feel like I am trying to talk while I have a cold.
nolff,
Oops. Accidents happen.
nance,
I know. It makes me laugh to say it.
As a regular pot smoker I understand where you're coming from. You're too cute sometimes.
orhan,
Sometimes, I'm cute. The rest of the time I'm just annoying. In a cute way.
It seems like there's something to that logic... maybe the pad could absorb bong water or something to make it even more useful. To somebody else, of course. Somebody who doesn't mind smoking pad pot.
Although, does anybody take bong hits after college? Or does anybody do it who isn't a dude? Apparently my prototype needs some work.
mystery,
I have taken bong hits after college. I have also puked shortly afterwards.
I am with you Mist...pot and puke go hand in hand for me since the only time I am loose enough to smoke pot is when I am drunk...It also makes me think that I am whispering when in truth, I am not (whispering), in fact I usually speak very, very loud and slow so everyone knows I have just smoked a doobie and am about to throw up. Good times!
Y'know, you really have to give Sue points for creativity.
I too separate drugs and alcohol and I believe that peole are separted into these particular groups too.
I'm of the booze group.
And I'm way too goody two shoes to smuggle anything.
You have an amazing, daring life. Even if it's by association.
just watch, some little old lady is gonna google pot pads and end up here! lmao
i own a bong but never use it. i also have 2 pipes but only use one of them. j however has an even more extensive collection than i do, kinda like you and shoes :-)
When I smoke pot I am the funniest human being on the planet for approximately 20 minutes. Then I pass out cold.
c,
I loved that movie.
glazier,
We could be twins.
library,
I would give her points, but she's not good with math.
monkey,
I don't feel amazing or daring. I sometimes feel like I'm in the wrong place with the wrong people.
heather,
If you have as many pipes as I do shoes, I am concerned about your lungs.
brooke,
I am the funniest person on the planet until I pass out too. I am also the best dancer.
The only thing funnier than this post would be reading it while wearing a pad and smoking pot!
let's,
I'm sure that could be arranged.
Party boobs...hee hee. :)
i can't smoke pot for that exact same reason. i either ralph violently and spend hours locked in the bathroom cleaning it up (i know where rubber gloves are), or i just freak the fuck out and sit there like a smelly brick.
Though I don't smoke pot, your post just gave me the giggles. And the munchies.
dawn,
My boobs are partying. I'm staying in tonight.
jennifer,
I need to keep rubber gloves in my purse.
cruiser,
I always have the giggles. I giggle to myself all the time.
PARTY BOOBS!!!!!!!!!!!!
qofd,
I'm sure we could work out a reasonable fee.
mal,
Everyone loves party boobs. If you have seen mine, please tell them it's time to come home.
That is one interesting cotton pony.
burg,
That's what I thought too, Cowboy.
Thanks for coming by.
oo, I don't do pads but I do do pot. looky there, it turns out you complete me.
and i totally thought of Pol Pot reading that, in fact, it made me miss him, he was such a crack up.
"I guess I didn't smoke too much pot during those five years it took me to get that liberal arts degree."..on the contrary, I bet it made you more creative when you did it..in between spewing that is, LOL.
I can just picture your friend smoking the pot and the smell wafting into the air, LOL.
i would love to read a blog post you wrote while high.
I alternate between alcohol and pot to let my liver and then my lungs recuperate. This way I hide my medium-weight habits, plus I get to expand my social circles among drunks and potheads.
crotch pot? There has to be a market for that somewhere. I want in on the ground floor. Marketed right we could be fucking RICH!
I laughed like an idiot at this entry! I rather miss firing up a fatty now and then as well... and this post reminded me in an odd sort of way why I quit too. Although I never had any crotch-pot incidents... but I digress! ;-)
I've visited your blog on an occasional basis by way of Lexi's blogroll. I'm going to have to make it a regular part of my reading habits, and add you to my blogroll as well.
Love your writing style!
joie,
Lord, that man was the life of the party.
Thanks for coming by.
cazzie,
I was very creative. I was also very paranoid.
kiyotoe,
One day, just for you, I will.
curiosity,
You're so regimented. I wish I had this kind of discipline.
steph,
Crotch pot is beginning to sound like a nickname to me.
andy,
You can share your crotch pot experiences here. It's a safe place.
LOL!!! OMG! I don't have any crotch pot stories to share, but once sold my cat's chopped up catnip in a plastic baggie to some dumb teenagers and they said it was the best buzz they had ever had. I know it's mean, but I was young and they were stupid!
PS. Sue's boobs sound impressive!!
chrissy,
I bet your cat was pissed.
You betcha! ;)
chrissy,
I hope you gave the cat some of the profit. It's only fair.
LOL! Mist, it amazes me how stupid some people are. I still can't believe those dudes bought a dime bag of catnip. The cat was pleased. She thought I did well on the transaction.
You know, I dated someone who was really into pot (this was when I was in my early 20s) and when he was jones-ing big time, and couldn't get hold of his dealer, he went into my kitchen and tried to find whatever he could to roll. He ended up rolling some dried basil...LOL!!! OMG...the whole place smelled of basil and this ex bf was in a pissy mood all afternoon. What on earth was I thinking? Some guys are just really nice to look at, but don't have much in the way of brains :)
chrissy,
I like guys that are nice to look at but don't have much in the way of brains. To tell the truth, I'm kind of like that too.
She can pull a whole party out of her boobs? WOW.
Can she smuggle whitegoods? That would be impressive. She'd really have to pad out the corners though.
lol, i only have two, j is the one with the collection.
Oh do I have a story for you...
It involves a friend of mine, an eighth, a large headband and a flight from Amsterdam back to Spain.
All I have to say is that they have giant dogs at airport security for a reason.
Like you, I never much enjoyed smoking Mary Jane; thus, I, too, am very smart. I make noodles in my Pol Pot.
phishez,
In high school, she smuggled my prom dress right out of the department store. Accessories and all.
heather,
Okay, then.
heather b,
Luckily headbands are very fashionable again.
Thanks for coming by.
jocelyn,
Do they turn out al dente?
Including the shoes? Wow. I'm impressed.
One hundred and two comments? What could I possibly say that hasn’t been said already? I guess I can give it a shot. Let’s see, I’m sure somebody has already exploited the Cambodia reference. You’ve already nailed the cunnilingus-by-proxy angle. I had no idea pads have gel in them so I don’t feel so robbed about that one. I’ve got it! Ok slag, you can do this, did I just refer to myself in the third person? Dammit! Must concentrate. There was this gay bar who walked into a preacher, shit! Never mind.
oh my.
phishez,
She used to have very, very sticky fingers. Now, she just has sticky pot.
slag,
I am waiting for the punchline.
maiden,
I thought you'd say that.
I have Mist you, dear one,
123,
Where have you been all my life? Or at least for the past few weeks.
:)
jim,
Your smiley looks high.
those are some fancy pads you have illustrating this post. Are they the fabric wash-and-reuse kind? Because those FREAK ME OUT.
I don't smoke pot, either, and it's a good thing. My boobs aren't big enough for pot smuggling.
And I don't keister drugs. I save that particular cargo compartment for transporting knives, fish hooks and stickpins.
Wait!
There are "wash-and-reuse" feminine pads?!?!?!
"Pol Pot" is fun to say.
Really...say it real fast.
You'll see.
h & b,
Those are Luna Pads. I think you can put them in the dishwasher. I also think I feel sick now.
karla,
How do you sit down?
pissy,
Pol Pot is fun to say unless I suppose he like drove you from your homeland or something.
Same reason I had to quit smoking pot, minus the love for alcohol part.
The only thing I miss was the fact that my house would be rearranged and scoured on a bi-weekly basis, usually involving an all night stoned binge involving a pot of coffee and the Cocteau Twins blaring. Good times, good times.
intro,
I am always rearranging stuff. I can't find anything.
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