One side of my family is Czech. I love my ethnic last name. I am proud of our heritage and beer.
Like everyone else on Earth, we have our own unique traditions. For example, the first one to leave the dinner table on Christmas will be the first to die in the new year. My uncles have applied this superstition to every meal throughout the year. The One family may not be large in numbers, but we are a very, very large family. My metabolism has not yet caught up with me, but I am deeply afraid of when it does. I am holding out for the right marriage before this happens.
I take the wisdom of my Czech elders seriously. One of the best things that I have learned from my grandmother is the old Czech proverb, "if a guest comes to your home, grab a stick." I do not believe in the saying, "don't go to the pub without money," as I am pretty sure that this has been mistranslated from the original saying, "don't go to the pub without a vagina."
My grandfather once asked me what an aborted Czech fetus is called. He replied, "a canceled Czech." Grandpa, if you are listening up there, I thought of this the last time I was pushed down the stairs after a false alarm. "A bounced Czech" is a pretty good punchline too. Also, I thought that you would be proud to know that whenever a relationship is over, I declare that the former object of my affections and I are now Separate Czechs. It cracks people up Grandpa, I swear.
Spring is an important time for Czechs. The Monday after Easter is my favorite day of the year. On this day, Czech men throw water on Czech women. Then, they spank us with the pomlazka, which is much like a cat o' nine tails, only not as sexy. It's supposed to help us retain our health and beauty in the coming year. So far, all the spankings seem to be working. I still get carded buying alcohol and my only major health concern is my hypochondria.
So, while many of you are having egg salad sandwiches, I will be sitting here in all my Czech splendor and glory, waiting to be spanked.
Am still waiting.
P.S. Thanks, Michael (who makes these lovely flogs) for the photos. Be a sport and give a Czech girl a free flog for this special religious rite, would ya?