To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Monday, April 09, 2007

Czech Yourself


One side of my family is Czech. I love my ethnic last name. I am proud of our heritage and beer.

Like everyone else on Earth, we have our own unique traditions. For example, the first one to leave the dinner table on Christmas will be the first to die in the new year. My uncles have applied this superstition to every meal throughout the year. The One family may not be large in numbers, but we are a very, very large family. My metabolism has not yet caught up with me, but I am deeply afraid of when it does. I am holding out for the right marriage before this happens.

I take the wisdom of my Czech elders seriously. One of the best things that I have learned from my grandmother is the old Czech proverb, "if a guest comes to your home, grab a stick." I do not believe in the saying, "don't go to the pub without money," as I am pretty sure that this has been mistranslated from the original saying, "don't go to the pub without a vagina."

My grandfather once asked me what an aborted Czech fetus is called. He replied, "a canceled Czech." Grandpa, if you are listening up there, I thought of this the last time I was pushed down the stairs after a false alarm. "A bounced Czech" is a pretty good punchline too. Also, I thought that you would be proud to know that whenever a relationship is over, I declare that the former object of my affections and I are now Separate Czechs. It cracks people up Grandpa, I swear.

Spring is an important time for Czechs. The Monday after Easter is my favorite day of the year. On this day, Czech men throw water on Czech women. Then, they spank us with the pomlazka, which is much like a cat o' nine tails, only not as sexy. It's supposed to help us retain our health and beauty in the coming year. So far, all the spankings seem to be working. I still get carded buying alcohol and my only major health concern is my hypochondria.

So, while many of you are having egg salad sandwiches, I will be sitting here in all my Czech splendor and glory, waiting to be spanked.

Am still waiting.

Mist 1

P.S. Thanks, Michael (who makes these lovely flogs) for the photos. Be a sport and give a Czech girl a free flog for this special religious rite, would ya?


107 Comments:

At 8:21 PM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

So I guess you are looking for a Czech Mate?

 
At 8:22 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

blitz,

I have a fear of commitment. Also, I fear nail fungus. I figure that I am equally at risk for either one.

 
At 8:23 PM, Blogger MXI said...

I would spank you, but us Ukrainians having a saying too, "Never pick up the czech."

(I knew somebody would say it,I just wanted to be first,is there a prize for that?)

 
At 8:26 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

mxi,

That was excellent. I have never heard that one. Lots of people have tried to pick up this Czech. Lots of people have also dropped me.

 
At 8:30 PM, Blogger tallulah said...

Czech you out girl! Spanking seems a hell of a lot more fun than egg salad sandwiches.

 
At 8:40 PM, Anonymous nabbalicious said...

I'm part Czech on my grandfather's side and he LOVED making jokes about Canceled Czechs. We didn't have any big traditions, aside from making kolacky for any and all holidays. Also, I'm pretty sure it's where I get my obsession with poppy seeds, which I'm surprised hasn't caused me to fail a drug test by now.

 
At 8:50 PM, Blogger fringes said...

You learn something new everyday. Now, tell us more tomorrow without mentioning the words shoes, panties or penis.

 
At 8:55 PM, Anonymous girl and dog said...

"Don't go to the pub without a vagina" is now and forever my new motto!

 
At 9:00 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

I'm glad I Czeched your blog tonight as I enjoyed this post. Although I can never go into a pub again according to your translation.

Happy Easter and day after Easter.

 
At 9:00 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

tallulah,

Get spanked. Everyone can be Czech for a day.

nabb,

Nothing beats my great-grandmother's poppy seed bread. Gawd, you just brought back memories. I'm grinning from ear to ear.

Thanks for coming by.


fringes,

Well, that pretty much rules out everything that I blog about.

g & d,

Screw Amex. Just bring your vagina.

 
At 9:01 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

Penises are welcome in the pub too. But they have to bring their wallets. It's just the way things are.

 
At 9:22 PM, Anonymous bice said...

The next time someone really startles me and I have to Czech my pants I'll think of you and your proud and noble people.

 
At 9:45 PM, Blogger Churlita said...

I'm Irish but we have really good beer and I'm sure if I look really, really hard, I can find something about getting spanked in Irish tradition. And if not, I can always start a new one.

 
At 9:46 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

bice

I don't wear pants.

 
At 9:46 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

churlita,

If you can get a spanking tradition going, I'll claim that I'm Irish too.

 
At 10:01 PM, Blogger ♥ktbangs said...

hmm. my family never really does much at easter. actually, we don't do anything. not even dinner. nobody's even given me chocolate yet. i hate them.

i do envy you. spanking sounds fun.

 
At 10:25 PM, Blogger Lyze said...

I have a friend who's Czech.
She can speak the language. She never mentioned the spanking, and we're open with each other. Mist, are you just trying to get a free erotic spanking? It's understandable, but.. shame!

Be honest.

 
At 10:26 PM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

I'm Irish. All my family does on the holidays is argue and drink. Come to think of it, we do it on non-holidays too. I'm also southern, so undoubtedly my mother is somewhere trying to forcefeed someone potato salad.... You Czechs have much better traditions.

 
At 10:40 PM, Blogger The CEO said...

1,
Changing my name to Michael and heading over right away! I aim to please.

 
At 11:02 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I have never understood spankings as fun. Maybe I should have a Czech-up.

 
At 11:04 PM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

I think spanking shound be shared by everyone. I know after I've been spanked I feel healthy. There's a kind of warm... afterglow.

I haven't been spanked in such a long time,

 
At 11:22 PM, Blogger briliantdonkey said...

I am with fringes on this one. However, I am a little less stringent. As long as you dont mention penis IN the panties with the shoes I think I would be okay with it. Sort of.

BD

 
At 11:45 PM, Blogger His Sinfulness said...

I'm 100% Irish and Southern as well. Believe me, there is definitely a tradition of spankings in my house. :)

I have dated several Czech girls over the years. You could say I have a Czechered past...

 
At 12:36 AM, Blogger Gyuss Baaltar said...

I don't have time to read your post today. Can I take a rain czech?

 
At 12:42 AM, Blogger Dawn Coyote said...

If spankings and water are involved, I'm prepared to become a forged Czech.

 
At 12:49 AM, Blogger Yasamin said...

finding pride in your ethnicity is good.

now that i've said that... i want a flog. preferably a dark red one.

thank you.

 
At 2:01 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

if a guest comes to your home, grab a stick

Lolz.

 
At 2:35 AM, Anonymous Absintheur said...

LOL. Tell me about the "guest and stick" proverb...it sounds very strange. Thanks for the post, very funny! At least there's no carp at Easter!

 
At 2:52 AM, Blogger Rhian / Crowwoman said...

LOL!! So have you put an adopt a Czech program in place yet because i can see 'em lining up for the douse and smack.

 
At 3:54 AM, Blogger heather said...

lol, another great post, thanks for the healing. nothing beats laughter for making the icks go away. :-)

 
At 3:56 AM, Blogger EsLocura said...

I'm opting for an egg sandwich, because I am afraid of sticks and spankings, but I do admire Czechs who carry big sticks.

 
At 4:27 AM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

bye mist. sarge and i have to go czech out our cruiseship now. back on friday. czech daily for postings though, okay? smiles, bee

 
At 4:37 AM, Blogger wreckless said...

I have plenty of water to throw on you or splash you with if you visit my peninsula... and I'll take a rain czech on the spanking.

 
At 4:49 AM, Blogger Michael Thomas said...

Free Flog for ceremony - good to go. I must do a personal demonstration, however. It's called customer service. I'm good like that.

 
At 5:20 AM, Blogger Debbie said...

Yummy yummy flogging. I wish I was Czech.

 
At 5:36 AM, Anonymous R! said...

I'd guess the hereditary wisdom was probably misheard, when the correct version was: If a guest comes to your home, grab his dick.

Or maybe it's just the Czech beer talking.

 
At 5:57 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

Check beer is like my new favorite.

I think my next arrival to ATL will be on the 28th.

 
At 6:01 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

Generic comment generator: {Insert Czech joke here} {make comment about brilliant post} {Czech back later for equally witty response}

 
At 6:13 AM, Blogger Natalia said...

I never go to the pub without a vagina. It works!

-N

 
At 6:19 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

I don't know if it's going to work out between us. I don't take Czechs. Cash only.

 
At 6:20 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kt,

No chocolate and no spankings? What kind of cruel culture is that?

Thanks for coming by.

lyze,

I have some serious questions for my uncles now.

legal,

I am excellent at drinking and feel certain that I could pick up on the arguing part. I think I'll invite myself to your next potato salad gathering.

0,

I don't think I said, free flogging. I think I said free flog.

hearts,

You have not had the right kind of spanking.

phishez,

You should probably solicit a spanking via your blog.

bd,

I will have to make an outline.

his sin,

Czechered past was very, very good. Well played.

Thanks for coming by.

gyuss,

It's raining here. Do you have time to read it now?

dawn,

I think there is a small annual fee.

yasamin,

I couldn't decide on the color.

orhan,

Sure, you could serve tea or something, but really, you'll just end up needing the stick later on.

absin,

I'll have to consult with Grandma, who sent me a whole bunch of ethnic reminders this weekend about the stick proverb.

Thanks for coming by.

rhian.

I think from now on, we'll call it the D & S.

heather,

I think I'm getting the icks. Does it cause sneezing?

es,

Everyone admires Czech hockey players.

bee,

I worry about you on a cruise ship right now.

wreck,

"Visit my peninsula" sounds rather suggestive.

michael,

Thanks again for the photos.

debbie,

Everyone can be Czech the day after Easter.

r!,

I like that translation as well.

nolff,

Czech beer is like my favorite too.

nwjr,

I want one of those comment generators.

natalia,

I never leave home without mine.

av,

Not even with two forms of ID?

 
At 7:07 AM, Anonymous Pistol Pete said...

Great post. We once had a Czech exchange student who was a very nice young lady. I had no idea she came from a country with such a rich heritage.

You've probably done something with this one - but "Czech mate" seems like it would make a great punchline as well. I just can't think of what the joke might be.

 
At 7:21 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

pete,

I bet you wish you had spanked the exchange student. Don't you?

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 7:34 AM, Blogger choochoo said...

LOL - a bounced Czech. Funny

 
At 7:50 AM, Blogger La Cubana Gringa said...

I'm all for spanking, but you should be careful if you ask for it too much! You better Czech yourself before you wreck yourself!

 
At 7:58 AM, Blogger tammy said...

Maybe the spankings help to jumpstart the slowing metabolisms? You know, a series of Czechs and balances.

 
At 8:06 AM, Blogger Library Mama said...

Hmmm, an Easter Monday spanking...

Main Man and I just may have to Czech that out.

 
At 8:14 AM, Blogger Mayren said...

Alot of my Croatian friends have similar sayings and proverbs. Even though the people are divided they are really very similar.

 
At 8:21 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

choo,

I thought so too. Thanks for noticing.

lcg,

I'm only asking on this one special day out of the year.

tammy,

In that case, I'll take two.

library,

I'm happy I can share my culture with you.

mayren,

Do they keep large sticks around for guests?

 
At 8:21 AM, Blogger Roadchick said...

Here's a little Innernet flogging for you:

Congratulations, you won a Thinking Blogger Award!

Compliments available at the Roadtrip.

 
At 8:22 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

chick,

Thank you chick, may I have another?

 
At 8:30 AM, Blogger Tera said...

Interesting...VERY interesting :)

 
At 8:32 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

tera,

Is "interesting" your way of telling me that this post is pushing my slightly sluttiness too far?

 
At 8:44 AM, Blogger Lizza said...

Some spanking is fun. Everyone's happy, including the vagina. And I don't even have any Czech blood!

 
At 8:45 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

lizza,

I'm pretty sure that you're Czech. Have you Czeched?

 
At 8:47 AM, Blogger maximo said...

you know, petal... you prolly don't have to make stuff up about your heritage to get someone to smack that ass.

 
At 8:56 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

maximo,

Do I look like a phony drinking this Podkrkonossky Special (alcohol, 6.3%)?

 
At 9:04 AM, Blogger Mayren said...

Mist - They do keep sticks around for guests sometimes.... Then they BBQ with steaks and Lamb and invite the entire world to eat.

-- Crazy Croatian superstition... it's bad luck for a woman or man to put your wallet/purse on the floor EVER... it will make you lose money. They have hooks to hang purses up or a bed/sofa to pile guests stuff on - NEVER the floor.

 
At 9:06 AM, Blogger maximo said...

well, it does make you look krzychsi.

ok. obviously i speak no slavic language. i merely interpolate from "coach krzyzewski".

i have a question: is it wrong for me to pop a boner while a girl is grinding me in a club?

 
At 9:19 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

I lusted after this girl that I worked with from Bratislavia about ten years ago, guess I should have brought a pomlazka and given her some luck to have better improved my nookie getting change cooeffient (NGGCC)

Anytime you make an acronym out of something, it's instantly scientific

 
At 9:29 AM, Blogger Asara said...

Mist, you crack me up every day. I do have a question though.. I thought 1 was Arabic, not Czechoslovakian?

 
At 9:30 AM, Blogger Nance said...

Flogs? I thought they were umbrellas. Both useful items, but hardly interchangeable.

 
At 9:35 AM, Blogger Sornie said...

This bodes well for me because my wife if Czech! My day is looking up now...

 
At 9:35 AM, Anonymous Slick said...

I know nothing about Czechs but the spankings are right up my alley.

 
At 9:42 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

mayren,

I carry a purse hook with me because I refuse to put my purse on the floor.

maximo,

No, it is expected. In some cultures, it is the highest complement.

furious,

Your science impresses me.

asara,

I said, half my family is Czech. Clearly, the other half is Arabic. Although, some of us use the Roman spelling.

Also, please note the the Czechs have divorced the Slavs.

nance,

Flogs in the rain would be good too. It's sort of drizzling here.

sornie,

You might want to approach this one delicately.

slick,

Really, what more do you need to know?

 
At 9:58 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

I LOVE being 1/2 Czech! ANd Bratislavia sounds like someplace my mother would have made up for me to have come from,

 
At 10:07 AM, Blogger Matt-Man said...

I came across a large contingent of Czechs once. They were all very different in attitude and looks. It was quite the Czechs Mix.

 
At 10:10 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

scotts,

I think it borders Bratwurstia.

matt-man,

My dad makes Czechs Mix with cashews.

 
At 10:23 AM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

God Bless the Czechs and their Slivovitz.

Happy Easter, bunny.

 
At 10:24 AM, Blogger Lee said...

Czech ME out baby.

 
At 10:25 AM, Anonymous Kristyn said...

You could have an egg sandwich with your spanking, I'm sure there's no rules against that, is there?

 
At 10:46 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

One form of government-ID and one photograph of a nipple can be accepted if I'm going to welcome a Czech.

 
At 10:59 AM, Anonymous andy said...

Dude,

Za Hory Slunce Zapada a blaze tem, jichz dilo skonceno je.

Seriously.

 
At 11:06 AM, Blogger Akelamalu said...

Being Czech sounds like fun - water games, spanking. On the other hand I do like egg salad sandwiches.

 
At 11:39 AM, Blogger Dagromm said...

Mist,
I tried explaining this Czech tradition to a police officer as I was leaving a club this weekend, but he told me I might want to wait and speak to a lawyer.

Send Bail,
Dagromm

 
At 11:40 AM, Blogger abhnv said...

"Mike Czech..1,2,3...Mike Czech!"

 
At 11:42 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

123,

Nothing like home brewed slivovice.

lee,

Why have I never used that pick up line before?

kristyn,

I am strongly anti-egg. However, I am not opposed to other people eating eggs and enjoying a spanking.

av,

I'm going to need my hair done, if I'm posing for pictures.

andy,

A v dol uz noc se rozklada
a jako kamen tezke srdce moje

akelamalu,

I am imagining you weighing these things out on a scale. Water games and spanking or egg salad sandwiches...

dagromm,

I'm sorry, I don't send bail. Nor do I accept collect phone calls.

avhnv,

You deserve a prize for that one. I challenge anyone to do better than this.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 11:53 AM, Blogger Kirsten said...

What's all this about Czechs? I couldn't get past the picture of the floggers. I like floggers (among other things).

 
At 12:48 PM, Blogger Nölff said...

I seriously had a Czech beer (Urquell) for the first time Friday.

Stella has dropped to the #2 spot.

 
At 12:57 PM, Blogger Stacy said...

I'm adopted and I love a good spanking from time to time. Maybe I should check into my heritage and see if I was Czech

 
At 1:31 PM, Blogger Tera said...

LOL! No, that's not it at all :) It's just interesting to read this blog and the many fascinating posts! And I see as the day has gone by, they are just getting better and better! :)

 
At 1:37 PM, Blogger Comedy + said...

Mist - Had to come over to Czech out all this talk about spanking, egg salad, panties, a penis can go to the bar but must bring his wallet, and viginas being taken to bars. I'm glad all is normal here. Have a great Monday :)

 
At 1:41 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

kirsten,

Perhaps you should start a flog blog.

nolff,

Where have you been? Stella was so two and a half minutes ago.

stacy,

I'm pretty sure that anyone who enjoys a good spanking is probably Czech. What are your feelings on beer?

Thanks for coming by.

tera,

Whew. I have an image to protect here.

comedy,

I know. Nothing to see here. Move along, people.

 
At 2:45 PM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

"a canceled Czech"...omg, that's bad. me likey. :)

 
At 3:26 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

miztris,

Grandpa had a way with words.

 
At 3:43 PM, Anonymous Karmyn R said...

I married into a Czech family - and I think the weirdest tradition yet is raising a Perch (fish) in the bathtub through the month of December and then eating it for Christmas dinner. (okay - so my in-laws don't do this tradition, but their friends do....old country stuff)

But, I do like dumplings and Kolaches.

 
At 4:05 PM, Blogger mysterygirl! said...

Free spankings?! In that case, I'm going to Czech myself before I wreck myself.

I think mine is the least clever. I win!

 
At 5:20 PM, Blogger Echo said...

Spanking to retain health and beauty, huh? I think I'll have to make it a daily habit. Thanks for the tip.

 
At 5:30 PM, Blogger Pickled Olives said...

I assume then many guys at the bar pick up the czech? Lol on Gramps joke.

 
At 5:50 PM, Blogger Todd said...

Wow. I'm like 1/16 Czech. No one ever told me about the spankings! I've missed out!

 
At 6:06 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

karmyn,

Did they spank the fish?

mystery,

Cz-cz-cz-czech yourself would have gotten more points for originality.

echo,

Spanking cures all.

olives,

They always pick up the Czech.

todd,

You are behind. Go forth and spank.

 
At 6:59 PM, Blogger kat said...

I honestly cannot tell when you are joking or serious. Is there really flogging? And are there clubs or community centers whre I can Czech this out? Cause it sounds awesome!

 
At 7:28 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

kat,

Who can make a word like pomlazka up? I suggest that when you contact your local Board of Czech Cultural Sciences and Activities Center, that you don't open the conversation with the whole spanking bit. Perhaps ask about kolaches first.

 
At 6:16 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

That's hair as in the singular use of the word, right?

 
At 6:28 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

av,

No comment.

 
At 6:46 AM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

you know, i can't think of another woman that deserves a spanking more than you Mist!

hope you got a good one.

 
At 6:58 AM, Blogger booda baby said...

Where the HELL did my lovingly crafted comment go? I recall actually THINKING about it. (I think.) Dammit.

 
At 7:18 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Now I really need to go to Prague.

Puss

 
At 8:51 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kiyotoe,

It's a cultural thing.

booda,

You need one of those cyborg implants so that you can leave comments just by thinking about them.

puss,

Not in the winter.

 
At 11:33 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

That's what I get for coming late to the party... all the best jokes are taken. Now all I've got is something about a tightrope walking team being a system of Czechs and Balances. Pretty lame.

Guess I should have Czeched it out sooner.

 
At 1:04 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

velvet,

You have to Czech here early if you want to get a good pun before everyone else.

 
At 10:57 PM, Blogger hyacinths and biscuits said...

does getting up from the table to go to the bathroom count for the impending death thing? that could get tricky, all that eating and drinking and not being able to go make more room.

 
At 6:15 AM, Blogger Nomes said...

I got flogged. Even better, a mate of mine was outside of Prague (where the floggings tend to be taken a little too seriously, occasionally feathers and tar are involved) and was flogged by a drunk man who then handed her a bottle of water to throw at him.

Thankfully, she unscrewed the cap, so it got lighter mid-air.

Nomes - who does not take so kindly to this bizarre czech tradition.

P.S. Oh, did you hear that if we don't spill water on them, then we can offer them a drink of the beloved slivobitch (slivovits-eh).
P.P.S. Come visit your heritage...

 
At 6:26 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

h & b,

I think that counts.

nomes,

Note to self: Unscrew cap.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 1:35 AM, Blogger kitten said...

Well first of all, I have to say those things are called floggers, not flogs, unless one is using it euphemistically. Anywho, I asked for a spanking for my birthday...I learned to be careful what I ask for too *grin*...hubs broke out the teensy stingy friggin flogger. OUCH!!!! BTW, the ones you have pics of look damned painful - all that hardware at the end....scary!

 
At 6:26 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kitten,

I guess it just seemed to me that the object would be a flog, the person using it would be the flogger, and the recipient would be the floggee.

 
At 12:47 AM, Blogger kitten said...

Nope, objet is flogger, person using it flogger (also) or dominant partner, person getting flogged is the floggee or submissive partner, unless one is just doing it for fun then whatever floats your boat.

 

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