Road Rage
I don't experience road rage. I suppose, I should be honest. Sometimes, I get a little cranky with people who don't give the gratuitous wave when I let them in traffic before me. Generally though, I don't get enraged in traffic because I am the one who is driving like an a$$hole.I don't need to be driving. I'm not good at it. I want someone who will drive me places. All I want is to sit in the front seat like a grown up. I won't even touch the stereo. I will just sit there and look cute and talk and talk and talk.
Yesterday, Jamie was driving me downtown to a concert. Jamie gets angry when she drives. It doesn't matter what's on the stereo. Music does not soothe the savage driver. She is perpetually angry when she drives.
I am used to her road rage and it doesn't bother me anymore. She calls me when she is driving to tell me about the cocksucker who just cut her off. I am not offended by her misuse of the term cocksucker, although it seems to me that the term should be sacred and used only in the purest form. If the Cocksucker Party decides to lobby Congress for exclusive rights to the term, I will sign every petition. I am not ashamed. I would be their spokesmodel if they would only ask. I would proudly attend legislative sessions with my nametag, "Mist 1, Cocksucker."
But, in Jamie's car, yesterday, I had a revelation. I think driving with Jamie is a lot like having sex with her. I've never slept with her that I can recall, but I think I know what it's like. As we sped down the street, weaving through traffic she yelled;
"Not there A$$hole!" and,
"Can't we go any faster?" and,
"Jesus f*cking Christ moron, let me get in front of you!"
I closed my eyes and imagined her in a sexy negligee. I didn't speak another word until we got downtown.
I asked her to stop at Victoria's Secret before we got to the concert. I needed dry panties.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:56 AM
86 Comments:
i think you have battered riders' syndrome.
you always meet people who have road rage. this post is about me. i know it is.
Hilarious. Cocksucker is one of my favorite words.
I have road rage, but mine wouldn't give anyone clues to how I am in bed. I would have a really hard time getting laid after the first time I flipped the guy off and told him to f*#@ himself.
k,
Can I sue for that syndrome? Get a lawyer.
churlita,
Guys love that, are you kidding me?
ok. now i need to go to victoria's secret to get some dry panties.
oh crap. did i really post that?
The word cocksucker just gives me that warm fuzzy feeling inside, though I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to be fuzzy.
maximo,
Get the ones that tie up in the back.
velvet,
Cocks are okay fuzzy.
I'm sure she hollered, as well, about how one time she was rear-ended, and she'd be damn sure *that* never happened again.
Kleenex! Couple kleenex here please!
Maybe she could give me some hints. I need new roadrage lines.
Oh man! You've just tainted the sacredness of road rage!
That's why I always carry an extra pair of panties with me at all times.
"Driving Miss Mist"... coming soon to a Porn Theatre near you.
I am cracking up over here, Jamie needs a drink or two before she drives,lol. She would hate the way I drive like an old lady :)
Ahhh...so you like being told what to do...interesting!
I hate driving. I wish I could quit, but I can't. Public transportation sucks.
road rage = foreplay. I'll have to check into this.
jocelyn,
She's got insurance. Rear ending is covered.
blitz,
I like those Kleenex with lotion.
elaine,
Welcome to the Cocksucker party. Please pay your dues.
Thanks for coming by.
spoon,
I couldn't help it. It was hot.
phishez,
That's pretty funny.
bice,
Do you keep them in your purse?
rhian,
I want to be the star.
fab,
No. I know my place.
lyric,
She might even call you names.
debbie,
I hate driving too, but I hate the smell of urine on public transportation even more.
olives,
I think you'll enjoy it.
ryan,
It's one of my favorite words.
So, what concert?! You can't leave out details like that!!! C'mon now!
So which drawers did you throw onstage?
I get roadrage when driving in Atlanta.
stephanie,
Free concerts in the park. LL Cool J, Maroon 5, and something country.
matt,
The wet ones.
nolff,
I am the picture of Zen behind the wheel.
Are you a backseat driver?
av,
I am a backseat queen.
I followed the link from "Window on Smith Street" and have to say your blog is the funniest thing I've read in ages! I'm adding it to my favourites and I will be back to read more.
lol...you are sick.
And don't tell me you were at Centennial Park this weekend. Just another case of our ships passing in the night?
You went to see LL?!!! How was the show? Did he lick his lips?
mist mist mist, honey i don't think i am supposed to be seeing this stuff. seriously. i was going to get some of those panties that tie in the back but they didn't have enough ribbon. (in the world), ha ha ha ha ha.....
smiles, bee
ok - my hubby drives exactly like that (minus the need for dry panties) he's the a$$hole driver who thinks everyone else is in his way. sheesh . Is it a new club that everyone is joining?
Dude,
that was something. Something tells me, though, that you are already wearing said nametag with ample pride.
I want someone who drives me places, too. And buys me stuff... And cooks my meals... And doesn't talk.
I think being an asshole should be listed as a type of disability on driver's licenses, just like eye glasses and such.
"Sir, you just cut off two old ladies and parked in a handicapped person's spot in that liquor store."
"Office, please notice on my license, I'm an asshole."
"Ahh yes sir, have a nice day."
Good concert. Color me totally jealous!
driving in the dirty south by Mist1.
akelamalu,
Glad you caught me on a day when I posted about my panties.
Thanks for coming by.
kiyotoe,
I was there. In the drizzle. You might have recognized me. I was the one holding two beers.
jali,
He climbed out of his wifebeater through the neckhole.
bee,
They make extenders for that.
mayren,
I am the one in everyone's way.
andy,
Dude, I have a gold plated name tag.
choo,
My parents did that for me for 16 years.
furious,
I think you're onto something.
stephanie,
Jealously looks good on you.
claudia,
Dirty driving.
Did you pick yourself up some boobs while you were there???
only you could make road rage sound so dirty, mist!!
Yeah, what's up with not giving the gratuitous wave? That pisses me off too. In fact just thinking about it now is making me angry...furious really...just.....DAMMIT!!!!!
lcg,
I don't have to pick up my boobs. They're still where they should be. Just hard to find, that's all.
miztris,
I blame Jamie.
britt,
That's really, really hot. You should hear me read that line aloud.
dagromm,
I'm not kidding. I hate it when I don't get the wave.
Don't you love it when you're there for the birth of a whole new branch of psychoanalysis?
Well, I do.
I thought you'd be famous for your wit, but now I see you have more options.
booda,
I like it when I'm there for the birth of a whole new technique for electro convulsive therapy.
Oops, sounds like Jamie needs to chill a bit. I see where your coming from with the sex analogy. Scary!
*,
She's so sexy when she's angry.
"Mist 1, #1 Cocksucker" isn't it?
My SIL always asks how often I get flipped off when I'm driving. I told him not that many people want me...
You know I'll never encounter traffic in quite the same way, right?
Yeah, you did that to me.
tug,
I don't claim to be number one. I have sharp teeth.
jay,
I try to use my influence wisely.
Mist speechless?
Now that must have been something...
I am the queen of road rage, then again, I'm originally from California. :) Now a days, my rage stems from how freaking slow people in the Lonestar State drive!
Backseat queen, bj queen - you're just royalty, aren't you?
trish,
I know. It almost makes me speechless just thinking about me being speechless.
kristyn,
But they carry bigger guns, right?
av,
Excuse me, my tiara needs adjustment.
i too hate when there's no wave, ar nod, or something to show that they understood what had just happened. i always make sure cheeks understands when she see's this that there is no excuse for this type of behavior. people like that should be stuck in red light hell for days on end!
heather,
I always wave. I even wave when I cut people off.
I can't stand when people use words without care their beauty and significance. Cocksucker is a beauty.
es,
It is also significant.
i also get bad road rage and will certainly use some of those lines nxt time... but rest assured I do NOT want to be shunted up the rear end... stay away from my tail pipe cocksuckers!!
ciao4now
Talk like that will result in spontaneous orgasm. No wonder there are so many road rage accidents.
I don't like road rage, but sometimes I myself get a bit of the road rage fever... People are such shitty drivers here, I can't tell you how many 90 year olds driving at 10 mph have almost killed me, and the drunk drivers, lots of those too.
alicia,
No wonder I'm such a bad driver. I must be aroused.
seb,
10 mph isn't even legal, is it?
Mist, you and your panties. This is just another one of your daily run-of-the-mill antics that the rest of us come to view everyday. You are absolutely insane and we are loving the hell out of it.
Reminds of another "Cocksucker" story, but you and I agree on how this term should be used properly :)
comedy,
I do love panties.
1,
You have had me laughing so hard I couldn't see straight, but orgasming through the post, then again through the comments, that's a first.
I'm so glad we had this little talk. Now to change my underwear.
wow talk about sexrage.
yasamin,
Nothing wrong with a little sexrage every now and then.
Wow. Sounds like me in traffic, only nicer. I never had road rage till I moved to the ATL. Damn traffic. ;)
karma,
Was that you following me too closely this afternoon?
My partners would definitely be insulted if my road rage translated into the bedroom, because one of my favorite lines, after "What the f$#@ is your problem?" is, "Is this your first time on the road?"
Then again, if it is his first time on the road, I am showing him the ropes, so maybe it's not so bad.
You wear panties?
Too funny!
mystery,
I think you should ask someone if it is indeed his first time on the road. Then, email me his reaction.
turnbaby,
I might have made that part up.
I'd rather not drive anywhere either but I get all panicky when I have to trust anyone else to transport me around. Plus I hate the possibility of being stuck somewhere and not being able to leave whenever I want. So, alas, I drive.
Oh god....this post is hilarious.
btw...I am always enraged the moment I sit in that drivers seat. I think it's the fact that I'm a better driving than every other living person on this earth. If they would all just get out of my way then they could go about their business as normal as soon as I pass them.
I actually embrace road rage as somewhat of a therapy session. It's the only time I can curse a blue streak with impunity. Can't do that at the office... too many kids around.
Sometimes, I go out for a drive just so I CAN curse. It's so... cleansing. :-)
yvonne,
I used to feel the same way, but then I discovered how much I prefer to have a designated driver.
pink,
I am better than people too when I am driving. I judge them.
andy,
I curse around children.
But, if you work the radio, you get to grab the knobs and twist.
I'm just sayin'.
nance,
Twiddling the knobs is always good.
Why don't folks give the little wave after you let them in? So annoying!
dawn,
All I ask is for a wave. That's it. How hard is that.
Don't do this when you come up to NYC. The cab drivers aren't nearly as hot as your friend.
"I needed dry panties." LOL!!! Love that!
Y'know, some men pay a hundred bucks an hour for that kind of abuse.
Please clear something up for me, if I'm "DawnCoyote, Sodomite", does that imply I stand in solidarity with primary sodomites, or that, despite my being in possession of a vagina, I like to take it up the a$$?
todd,
Good advice.
chrissy,
I did. I love dry panties.
crank,
Sign them up.
dawn,
The Sodomites are good people. I support them. Fully.
1,
You bet.
0,
I love it when people are so agreeable with me.
One of motoring's great pleasure is the opportunity to verbally abuse strangers with impunity. So yes, in that respect, it's a lot like sex.
Puss
puss,
You are so right. Well said.
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