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Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Monday, April 02, 2007

Road Rage


I don't experience road rage. I suppose, I should be honest. Sometimes, I get a little cranky with people who don't give the gratuitous wave when I let them in traffic before me. Generally though, I don't get enraged in traffic because I am the one who is driving like an a$$hole.

I don't need to be driving. I'm not good at it. I want someone who will drive me places. All I want is to sit in the front seat like a grown up. I won't even touch the stereo. I will just sit there and look cute and talk and talk and talk.

Yesterday, Jamie was driving me downtown to a concert. Jamie gets angry when she drives. It doesn't matter what's on the stereo. Music does not soothe the savage driver. She is perpetually angry when she drives.

I am used to her road rage and it doesn't bother me anymore. She calls me when she is driving to tell me about the cocksucker who just cut her off. I am not offended by her misuse of the term cocksucker, although it seems to me that the term should be sacred and used only in the purest form. If the Cocksucker Party decides to lobby Congress for exclusive rights to the term, I will sign every petition. I am not ashamed. I would be their spokesmodel if they would only ask. I would proudly attend legislative sessions with my nametag, "Mist 1, Cocksucker."

But, in Jamie's car, yesterday, I had a revelation. I think driving with Jamie is a lot like having sex with her. I've never slept with her that I can recall, but I think I know what it's like. As we sped down the street, weaving through traffic she yelled;

"Not there A$$hole!" and,

"Can't we go any faster?" and,

"Jesus f*cking Christ moron, let me get in front of you!"

I closed my eyes and imagined her in a sexy negligee. I didn't speak another word until we got downtown.

I asked her to stop at Victoria's Secret before we got to the concert. I needed dry panties.

Mist 1


93 Comments:

At 9:21 PM, Blogger K said...

i think you have battered riders' syndrome.

you always meet people who have road rage. this post is about me. i know it is.

 
At 9:21 PM, Blogger Churlita said...

Hilarious. Cocksucker is one of my favorite words.

I have road rage, but mine wouldn't give anyone clues to how I am in bed. I would have a really hard time getting laid after the first time I flipped the guy off and told him to f*#@ himself.

 
At 9:31 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

k,

Can I sue for that syndrome? Get a lawyer.

churlita,

Guys love that, are you kidding me?

 
At 9:39 PM, Blogger maximo said...

ok. now i need to go to victoria's secret to get some dry panties.

 
At 9:40 PM, Blogger maximo said...

oh crap. did i really post that?

 
At 9:41 PM, Blogger velvet girl said...

The word cocksucker just gives me that warm fuzzy feeling inside, though I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to be fuzzy.

 
At 9:56 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

maximo,

Get the ones that tie up in the back.

velvet,

Cocks are okay fuzzy.

 
At 10:03 PM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

I'm sure she hollered, as well, about how one time she was rear-ended, and she'd be damn sure *that* never happened again.

 
At 10:14 PM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

Kleenex! Couple kleenex here please!

 
At 10:27 PM, Blogger Elaine said...

Hello! My name is...
Elaine, Cocksucker

 
At 11:32 PM, Anonymous Karmyn said...

Maybe she could give me some hints. I need new roadrage lines.

 
At 12:18 AM, Blogger spoon said...

Oh man! You've just tainted the sacredness of road rage!

 
At 12:42 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

I'm a cocksucker and proud of it!

That must have been a short drive. She missed the very obvious "Come on, prick".

 
At 1:17 AM, Anonymous bice said...

That's why I always carry an extra pair of panties with me at all times.

 
At 2:30 AM, Blogger Rhian / Crowwoman said...

"Driving Miss Mist"... coming soon to a Porn Theatre near you.

 
At 3:20 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

I think you are lying. I think you would play with the radio.

 
At 4:55 AM, Blogger Lyrically speaking said...

I am cracking up over here, Jamie needs a drink or two before she drives,lol. She would hate the way I drive like an old lady :)

 
At 4:56 AM, Blogger Lee said...

Ahhh...so you like being told what to do...interesting!

 
At 5:23 AM, Blogger Debbie said...

I hate driving. I wish I could quit, but I can't. Public transportation sucks.

 
At 5:28 AM, Blogger Pickled Olives said...

road rage = foreplay. I'll have to check into this.

 
At 5:31 AM, Blogger Ryan said...

cocksucker could be one the most underused terms ever,

Except around here.... I keep it alive and going.

You are way too funny!!!

 
At 6:11 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

jocelyn,

She's got insurance. Rear ending is covered.

blitz,

I like those Kleenex with lotion.

elaine,

Welcome to the Cocksucker party. Please pay your dues.

Thanks for coming by.

spoon,

I couldn't help it. It was hot.

phishez,

That's pretty funny.

bice,

Do you keep them in your purse?

rhian,

I want to be the star.

fab,

No. I know my place.

lyric,

She might even call you names.

debbie,

I hate driving too, but I hate the smell of urine on public transportation even more.

olives,

I think you'll enjoy it.

ryan,

It's one of my favorite words.

 
At 6:13 AM, Blogger stephanie said...

So, what concert?! You can't leave out details like that!!! C'mon now!

 
At 6:30 AM, Blogger Matt said...

So which drawers did you throw onstage?

 
At 6:51 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

I get roadrage when driving in Atlanta.

 
At 6:53 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

stephanie,

Free concerts in the park. LL Cool J, Maroon 5, and something country.

matt,

The wet ones.

nolff,

I am the picture of Zen behind the wheel.

 
At 7:05 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Are you a backseat driver?

 
At 7:15 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

av,

I am a backseat queen.

 
At 7:36 AM, Blogger Akelamalu said...

I followed the link from "Window on Smith Street" and have to say your blog is the funniest thing I've read in ages! I'm adding it to my favourites and I will be back to read more.

 
At 7:38 AM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

lol...you are sick.

And don't tell me you were at Centennial Park this weekend. Just another case of our ships passing in the night?

 
At 7:42 AM, Blogger jali said...

You went to see LL?!!! How was the show? Did he lick his lips?

 
At 7:47 AM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

mist mist mist, honey i don't think i am supposed to be seeing this stuff. seriously. i was going to get some of those panties that tie in the back but they didn't have enough ribbon. (in the world), ha ha ha ha ha.....

smiles, bee

 
At 7:53 AM, Blogger Mayren said...

ok - my hubby drives exactly like that (minus the need for dry panties) he's the a$$hole driver who thinks everyone else is in his way. sheesh . Is it a new club that everyone is joining?

 
At 7:54 AM, Anonymous andy said...

Dude,

that was something. Something tells me, though, that you are already wearing said nametag with ample pride.

 
At 7:57 AM, Blogger choochoo said...

I want someone who drives me places, too. And buys me stuff... And cooks my meals... And doesn't talk.

 
At 7:58 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

I think being an asshole should be listed as a type of disability on driver's licenses, just like eye glasses and such.

"Sir, you just cut off two old ladies and parked in a handicapped person's spot in that liquor store."
"Office, please notice on my license, I'm an asshole."
"Ahh yes sir, have a nice day."

 
At 8:05 AM, Blogger stephanie said...

Good concert. Color me totally jealous!

 
At 8:09 AM, Blogger Claudia said...

driving in the dirty south by Mist1.

 
At 8:17 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

akelamalu,

Glad you caught me on a day when I posted about my panties.

Thanks for coming by.

kiyotoe,

I was there. In the drizzle. You might have recognized me. I was the one holding two beers.

jali,

He climbed out of his wifebeater through the neckhole.

bee,

They make extenders for that.

mayren,

I am the one in everyone's way.

andy,

Dude, I have a gold plated name tag.

choo,

My parents did that for me for 16 years.

furious,

I think you're onto something.

stephanie,

Jealously looks good on you.

claudia,

Dirty driving.

 
At 8:18 AM, Blogger La Cubana Gringa said...

Did you pick yourself up some boobs while you were there???

 
At 8:25 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

only you could make road rage sound so dirty, mist!!

 
At 8:26 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

My favorite road rage phrase that can also be used... um... around town, is

You stupid cocksuckinsonofabitch - do you not SEE me right fucking HERE?!?! but no, by all means, YOU go FIRST.

 
At 8:29 AM, Blogger Dagromm said...

Yeah, what's up with not giving the gratuitous wave? That pisses me off too. In fact just thinking about it now is making me angry...furious really...just.....DAMMIT!!!!!

 
At 8:36 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

lcg,

I don't have to pick up my boobs. They're still where they should be. Just hard to find, that's all.

miztris,

I blame Jamie.

britt,

That's really, really hot. You should hear me read that line aloud.

dagromm,

I'm not kidding. I hate it when I don't get the wave.

 
At 8:36 AM, Blogger booda baby said...

Don't you love it when you're there for the birth of a whole new branch of psychoanalysis?

Well, I do.

I thought you'd be famous for your wit, but now I see you have more options.

 
At 8:39 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

booda,

I like it when I'm there for the birth of a whole new technique for electro convulsive therapy.

 
At 8:39 AM, Blogger * (asterisk) said...

Oops, sounds like Jamie needs to chill a bit. I see where your coming from with the sex analogy. Scary!

 
At 8:40 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

*,

She's so sexy when she's angry.

 
At 8:54 AM, Blogger Tug said...

"Mist 1, #1 Cocksucker" isn't it?

My SIL always asks how often I get flipped off when I'm driving. I told him not that many people want me...

 
At 9:15 AM, Blogger Jay said...

You know I'll never encounter traffic in quite the same way, right?

Yeah, you did that to me.

 
At 9:15 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

tug,

I don't claim to be number one. I have sharp teeth.

 
At 9:16 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

jay,

I try to use my influence wisely.

 
At 10:08 AM, Blogger Trish said...

Mist speechless?

Now that must have been something...

 
At 10:18 AM, Anonymous Kristyn said...

I am the queen of road rage, then again, I'm originally from California. :) Now a days, my rage stems from how freaking slow people in the Lonestar State drive!

 
At 10:39 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Backseat queen, bj queen - you're just royalty, aren't you?

 
At 10:44 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

trish,

I know. It almost makes me speechless just thinking about me being speechless.

kristyn,

But they carry bigger guns, right?

av,

Excuse me, my tiara needs adjustment.

 
At 10:49 AM, Blogger heather said...

i too hate when there's no wave, ar nod, or something to show that they understood what had just happened. i always make sure cheeks understands when she see's this that there is no excuse for this type of behavior. people like that should be stuck in red light hell for days on end!

 
At 10:50 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

heather,

I always wave. I even wave when I cut people off.

 
At 10:51 AM, Blogger EsLocura said...

I can't stand when people use words without care their beauty and significance. Cocksucker is a beauty.

 
At 11:09 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

es,

It is also significant.

 
At 11:29 AM, Blogger het said...

i also get bad road rage and will certainly use some of those lines nxt time... but rest assured I do NOT want to be shunted up the rear end... stay away from my tail pipe cocksuckers!!

ciao4now

 
At 11:42 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

het,

I am not a tail pipe cocksucker. I am just a run-of-the-mill cocksucker.

 
At 11:52 AM, Blogger Alicia said...

Talk like that will result in spontaneous orgasm. No wonder there are so many road rage accidents.

 
At 11:53 AM, Blogger Sebastien said...

I don't like road rage, but sometimes I myself get a bit of the road rage fever... People are such shitty drivers here, I can't tell you how many 90 year olds driving at 10 mph have almost killed me, and the drunk drivers, lots of those too.

 
At 11:57 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

alicia,

No wonder I'm such a bad driver. I must be aroused.

seb,

10 mph isn't even legal, is it?

 
At 11:58 AM, Blogger Comedy + said...

Mist, you and your panties. This is just another one of your daily run-of-the-mill antics that the rest of us come to view everyday. You are absolutely insane and we are loving the hell out of it.

Reminds of another "Cocksucker" story, but you and I agree on how this term should be used properly :)

 
At 12:02 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

comedy,

I do love panties.

 
At 12:34 PM, Blogger The CEO said...

1,
You have had me laughing so hard I couldn't see straight, but orgasming through the post, then again through the comments, that's a first.

I'm so glad we had this little talk. Now to change my underwear.

 
At 12:39 PM, Blogger Yasamin said...

wow talk about sexrage.

 
At 12:39 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

You take this cocksucking stuff to heart, don't you?

 
At 12:40 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

yasamin,

Nothing wrong with a little sexrage every now and then.

 
At 12:44 PM, Blogger karma lennon said...

Wow. Sounds like me in traffic, only nicer. I never had road rage till I moved to the ATL. Damn traffic. ;)

 
At 1:11 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

karma,

Was that you following me too closely this afternoon?

 
At 1:27 PM, Blogger mysterygirl! said...

My partners would definitely be insulted if my road rage translated into the bedroom, because one of my favorite lines, after "What the f$#@ is your problem?" is, "Is this your first time on the road?"

Then again, if it is his first time on the road, I am showing him the ropes, so maybe it's not so bad.

 
At 1:46 PM, Blogger Turnbaby said...

You wear panties?
Too funny!

 
At 1:51 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

mystery,

I think you should ask someone if it is indeed his first time on the road. Then, email me his reaction.

turnbaby,

I might have made that part up.

 
At 3:10 PM, Blogger That's one clever little Yvonne said...

I'd rather not drive anywhere either but I get all panicky when I have to trust anyone else to transport me around. Plus I hate the possibility of being stuck somewhere and not being able to leave whenever I want. So, alas, I drive.

 
At 3:51 PM, Blogger thepinkangel said...

Oh god....this post is hilarious.

btw...I am always enraged the moment I sit in that drivers seat. I think it's the fact that I'm a better driving than every other living person on this earth. If they would all just get out of my way then they could go about their business as normal as soon as I pass them.

 
At 4:03 PM, Blogger Andy said...

I actually embrace road rage as somewhat of a therapy session. It's the only time I can curse a blue streak with impunity. Can't do that at the office... too many kids around.

Sometimes, I go out for a drive just so I CAN curse. It's so... cleansing. :-)

 
At 4:19 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

yvonne,

I used to feel the same way, but then I discovered how much I prefer to have a designated driver.

pink,

I am better than people too when I am driving. I judge them.

andy,

I curse around children.

 
At 4:59 PM, Blogger Nance said...

But, if you work the radio, you get to grab the knobs and twist.

I'm just sayin'.

 
At 5:16 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nance,

Twiddling the knobs is always good.

 
At 5:30 PM, Anonymous Dawn said...

Why don't folks give the little wave after you let them in? So annoying!

 
At 5:40 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

dawn,

All I ask is for a wave. That's it. How hard is that.

 
At 7:08 PM, Blogger Todd said...

Don't do this when you come up to NYC. The cab drivers aren't nearly as hot as your friend.

 
At 7:29 PM, Blogger Chrissy121875 said...

"I needed dry panties." LOL!!! Love that!

 
At 7:51 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

Y'know, some men pay a hundred bucks an hour for that kind of abuse.

 
At 10:27 PM, Blogger Dawn Coyote said...

Please clear something up for me, if I'm "DawnCoyote, Sodomite", does that imply I stand in solidarity with primary sodomites, or that, despite my being in possession of a vagina, I like to take it up the a$$?

 
At 7:15 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

todd,

Good advice.

chrissy,

I did. I love dry panties.

crank,

Sign them up.

dawn,

The Sodomites are good people. I support them. Fully.

 
At 9:27 PM, Blogger The CEO said...

1,
You bet.

 
At 10:07 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I love it when people are so agreeable with me.

 
At 7:03 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

One of motoring's great pleasure is the opportunity to verbally abuse strangers with impunity. So yes, in that respect, it's a lot like sex.

Puss

 
At 9:07 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

You are so right. Well said.

 

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