Gift Idea
I get lost. A lot. Although, I've lived here for years, I only know how to get to the beer and wine store, two sushi places, the spa, my local adult novelty store, and several shoe stores in my area. I rarely travel more than 6.5 miles from my home.I pretend that I know the directions to lots of other places. I always think that I'll be able to find where I need to go. I always think that I should turn left. I have learned that this means that I should turn right. Terms like East and West mean nothing to me.
A few months ago, Mom gave me an atlas. She smiled at me warmly and told me that she would rest better knowing that I kept it in my car. Now I have an atlas in my car. I feel like one of those people with a Bible in their cars. I always think that they drive around with Bibles because they don't have insurance. I try to drive extra carefully when I am around them. Although, for a few years, I had a piece of turquoise in my car in lieu of insurance. It is supposed to to have protective qualities. I totally believe in the power of turquoise because when I rolled that vehicle down the side of a mountain with a recalled seatbelt, I walked away with only one little cut caused by the large knives that flew up from the backseat. I had a perfectly logical reason for having knives in the backseat.
I also have an almanac in the car. I like almanacs. It's fun for me to know at a glance the local currency, what the language of choice is and if people can read that language or not, and how many people have toilets in their homes in any particular country. I like to know how old people are when they die and how many people live per square mile. I keep it in my car in the event that I have to wait in line at the Post Office and need people to think that I am smarter than I really am.
A few weeks ago, I found myself lost in another state. I pulled over and reached for the atlas. It turns out that Mom gave me an illustrated comparative atlas of surgical techniques. I didn't even know that there was such an atlas. Mom knows that I love medical conditions due to my hypochondria. The book 101 Diseases You Don't Want to Get was one of the best gifts Mom has ever given me. I refer to it all the time. Especially when I am planning travel to developing nations or making an appointment with my doctor.
After reviewing a few hundred pages in the book, I decided that I was in dire need of an esophageal resection. I called my doctor. Dr. Kilmer (sexy name, not a sexy guy)assured me that my esophagus was just fine and then gave me directions. I have very good health insurance and I ended up safely at my destination.
Yesterday, at my doctor's appointment, I thanked him for his roadside assistance. He winked and gave me a compass. He even answered my questions about how to install it. It turns out that even if I stick it to the windshield upside down, it will still tell me which direction I am traveling. What a clever device.
I got lost on my way home, but at least I knew which direction I was going.
Why doesn't someone get me GPS?
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 10:33 AM
108 Comments:
You had knives in your backseat because you're actually a paid assassin, right?
I guessed that a long time ago.
I'm also guessing you were tailing Yoko Ono when you slid down the side of that mountain. A lot of people have hated her for a long time.
I'm guessing your mom had you keep the atlas of surgical techniques in your car so you could perform emergency roadside surgery. With your knives. Of course. This all makes perfect sense to me.
Your mom is kind.
You know they go on and on here in Canada about how great our medicare system is - I guarantee you that my doctor of 15 years not only has no clue who I am, but would probably find some way to charge me for giving directions...
You're mum gave you a disease atlas to keep in your car?
How odd.
If I have a book of naked men with their hearts and brains clearly illustrated with symptoms analyzed, I wouldn't be able to concentrate driving at all. I'll just be stuck on the roadside.
jocelyn,
I cannot speak on any of the subjects that you have brought to light. Good day.
brooke,
She really is a gem.
princess,
I haven't received the bill yet.
phishez,
I haven't called her to ask her about her logic yet.
curiosity,
Naked men have hearts? Really?
I have no sense of direction either. Luckily, my daughter does. I'm not recommending having children or anything. Child protective services usually frowns on having big knives around them. They're super uptight, that way.
churlita,
I just found out how little it would cost me to have my tubes tied. I am throwing away money with this damn pill.
If nobody gives you GPS, maybe you'd consider learning to read a map. Or at least pretend to, then ask somebody cute for directions.
I still get lost in my hometown even though I might be two blocks from where I grew up. I don't let it bother me because if pressed to do so, I think I could perform heart surgery.
Mist1: thanks for hanging in there...I feel like we are somehow blog-related, I mean I know you are somewhere out there over a rainbow, why I bet you even have family from Arkansas, we might even be sister's, cousin's once removed brother's child...we both get lost, I see hypochondriacs everytime I work, I had a aniexy attact on my way home, my boyfried finally made it home, I got lost on the way...I think the only thing we might be different in is that you are always the funniest writer I know, you spell better, your clever than most, your probably skinner, you smoke I think, butt...we drink both like saliors,...yep I think we might just be related.. just a guess though...
let me know if you ever want to borrow my "do it yourself brain surgery" book honey. it's a doosey!
smiles, bee
Yours is the second "hypochondria" themed post I've read this morning! Go glad I am not alone!
By the way, what were the symptoms noted in the Atlas that made you feel an espohogeal resection? I ask because I get this wierd pain any time I eat anything green or leafy...
I have a GPS from Boston, but I now live in Puerto Rico, I use it all the time but am still always lost. I have an odd shaped mole, could you remove it for me?
I've lived here for over eight years and still can only name about six streets. Mention a suburb I don't live in and chances are I'll have no idea where it is.
I can understand why your mon worries about you. Couldn't you afford a chauffeur?
Shouldn't you just be chauffeured around like the bj queen that you are?
Oh my goodness can I relate!!! It wasn't until I just recently relocated did I realize that I HAVE to learn directions!!! I can say that now I am a couple steps closer to knowing N E S W than I was a year ago!!
Now I wouldn't label myself a true hypochodriac, but I remember this time I was dropping my kids off at daycare, and when I returned to the car, there was white powder on my purse, and what did I do? I SMELLED IT (which they warned AGAINST with the whole Anthrax scare)!!!! I immediately rushed to work to look it up on the net...symptoms were coughing (or COURSE I began to cough), tightness in chest (mmm hmm), and difficult breathing...I RACED to the Emergency room!!!!
Of course everyone STILL laughs at me about that...turns out I worked myself into an asthma attack. They gave me a breathing treatment and sent me home :)
I read those medical books and worry that I have scurvy. Bad for my mojo, man.
How do you navigate your shoe closet without a gps?
Do you have sherpas?
I say you get a sextant and learn to navigate by the stars. I mean what's sexier than that?
I read your posts every morning...
And I leave with only one thought -
You have some pretty serious issues, but they are extremely funny.
I always have knives in my backseat. What's so weird about that?
I get lost going to my parents house. My mother complains that I don't visit enough. She has no ideas how many times I TRY to visit and end up in a different state.
Where would they resection it to??
For the good of all mankind, please get GPS. Please.
Screw GPS. Just get a chauffeur!!
I think a GPS is a great idea for ya!
Ah, yes. The elusive sense of direction. If you find mine, please let it know I'm still in Boston and I'd love the pleasure of it's company again.
I get lost in the city I grew up in. I totaly understand. My mom gave me a compass once. I never found it to be very helpful.
Don't get too excited about GPS. Once you get it, you have to learn to use it. I prefer to just turn mine on and watch the arrow move around. If I actually need to plan out a driving route, I use map quest. Much easier.
i want to say something about a girl positioning system, but i worry you people will misinterpret it.
Because an esophageal resection will get you SO much farther than a GPS ever will. Duh!
I guess we'll never hear a commercial with "Mist Mist, do I turn left here. Mist Mist, which way to Subway?"
Those GPS things are WONDERFUL!
lizza,
I had a map once. I could even fold it back up. But, I still couldn't read it.
michael,
I'm pretty sure that I've watched enough episodes of ER to perform surgery as well.
tellin,
Do you have curly hair and a tiny, yet adorable mole on your (hold on I have to check) right shoulder?
bee,
I will need one of those book stands to prop it up. Can I borrow that too?
condo,
C'mon over and browse through my medical library. There is probably lots of stuff wrong with you. I hope you know how to get here, because I can't give you directions.
es,
Please scan and email a picture of the mole. It's probably very serious.
lonie,
That's my existence exactly.
Thanks for coming by.
akelamalu,
I have been asking for a driver for years. Usually, I just have to date if I want a driver.
av,
It's hard to shout out where I want to go with my mouth full.
stilt,
I can't help it. That made me laugh. I bet they do that on purpose.
matt,
TV vets? What the hell kind of programming do you watch?
tera,
I think it's spelled news. I watch the 11 o'clock.
I hope you recovered from the Anthrax.
Thanks for coming by.
123,
No one gets scurvy anymore.
gyuss,
I have four inch Sherpas. They pinch my toes a little bit.
furious,
The word sextant makes me laugh.
ryan,
What issues?
ariel,
Do you bring the knives to your parent's home?
tug,
I didn't read that far.
g & d,
Maybe it will go on sale.
Thanks for stopping by.
claudia,
I would drive a chauffeur crazy.
mutt,
This was a not so subtle hint. Somebody really should consider helping me out.
stephanie,
I think I know where Boston is. Can you give me directions to where you are?
nina,
I like Google maps because Mapquest lied to me once.
Thanks for coming by.
maximo,
I have one of those already.
lcg,
It depends on how I use it.
andy,
I want to be in commercials so bad it hurts. I can really act.
natalia,
I think my cat has that.
kevin,
Go ahead and rub it in.
That's the nice thing about sign language. Or Morse code.
Forget the GPS. Getting lost and running into someone you don't know, getting jiggy with them and then not knowing how to ever find them again is the best.
Well, that settles it.
We can't hang out until one of us gets a GPS.
Goddess gets lost finding her way out of those multi-sectioned bathrooms built like a freaking maze.
My sister-in-law knows all the best routes to get anywhere. Sometimes we call her to ask directions.
Ohhhh, I hate GPS, I like figuring things out on my own.
Googling illnesses is also a very fun way to pass the time, it's probably just as frightening as reading 101 Diseases You Don't to Get!
Mist1: I would tell you that when I get lost, I masturbate while driving. But then I think that would be over-sharing. So I won't tell you.
Mist you should ask for donations on your blog. Set up a paypal account... And if you do not get enough for a GPS at least you could use it to get new shoes.
Mist - You are a piece of work. Never travel outside your known radius again. You have everything you need in that 6.5 miles.
You are a hoot. See you on Monday and have a great Easter weekend. Can't wait to hear what happens to you next.
So glad I'm not alone in my directional impairment. I used to be a 9-1-1 dispatcher and routinely gave wrong directions to people who were gullible enough to call 9-1-1 and expect competent help.
Ummm... straight ahead and then turn right. Or is it left?
Dammit.
I'm with you, Misty (that's what I called you yesterday). I don't know left from right until it's too late to do anything about it.
I do know north, south, east, and west when the sun is out.
After I leave a place I just drive until I recognize something. Chances are that I can find my way after that.
That atlas and almanac are good for TP in emergencies too unless you carry a roll of that in your car.
Just be careful, I know a lady who got poison ivy. That made all kinds of things itchy for two or three weeks.
Mrs. Jim had her knives (she always carries the one with the cork-screw) confiscated in the Madrid Airport once. She forgot to take them out of her purse and put them her check-in luggage.
They were nice and shipped them in an envelope along with the baggage. That envelope was going round and round in the Houston baggage terminal when we got there.
..
of course I take them to my parents house. I take them anywhere the need might arise.
[alternate reply]
i got gps a few years ago. tetracycline cleared it right up.
av,
I know braille.
blitz,
I'm not jiggy. I'm flossy.
thy g,
I would help you find your way out. You could yell, "Marco" and I would say, "Polo!"
velvet,
I love people like that.
seb,
I try not to search for what ails me online. It interferes with my blogging.
scotts,
That's not too much. Think of all the stuff I've told you about me.
mutt,
I would totally spend it on shoes. Plus, then I would feel like I owed you all something. Too much pressure.
comedy,
Someone told me that I was a piece of work once. It wasn't in a nice way. I still have not forgotten/forgiven.
sher,
It's a genetic problem. My grandma can't find her way anywhere either.
Thanks for coming by.
stephanie,
Sometimes, I can't remember which is my right or left.
neil,
Dr. Kilmer is a little stingy with the drugs.
jim,
I've had poison ivy tons of times. My parents used to send me to camp all summer.
ariel,
Your family sounds fun.
maximo,
Did it burn?
I think my road rage would drown out the GPS. Then Tom Tom would think that I was yelling at it and it would start crying. So no Tom Tom for me. :( Luckily I have a great sense of direction, so I'll drive you around. You can be in charge of the radio.
Atleast you had something to show for going to a doctor, I miss the days of a free sucker and/or sticker.
LOL ;o)
The directionally challenged? LOL ;o)
I have the "direction" gene. I can find just about enything, ANYWHERE I need to go!
I have lived in 6 major cities and I have totell you the local peeps are the worst at giving GOOD directions.
For example: "UP" the street= ??What? Is that East, West?? Can someone explain?
"OK, you just drive for about 10 min then you are going to go "down" Blue street". OK? HOW many miles will I be driving before "blue" street? Is down North or South? *GRRRRRRR*
LOL ;o)
So, I totally understand how you feel. ;o)
Nobody is going to give you a GPS because they know you're most likely to destroy it or have it destroy you in some creative fashion.
I'm good with maps, I'm just terrible with giving directions.
I rented a GPS navigation system when I traveled to Florida. Highways there intimated me. She spoke too slow. I hit it and I think I broke it.
mystery,
Really? I can be in charge of the radio? I am honored.
winter,
I always get something free at the doctor. I always hope it will be medication samples.
superstar,
When I first moved here, I quickly learned that even if the locals don't know where someplace is, they will still give me directions. That's how I ended up in Alabama for the first time.
Thanks for coming by.
orhan,
I almost threw one out the window once, but I have been taking anger management classes. I can handle it now.
maiden,
Everyone down South talks slowly. We listen slowly too.
I'm good at reading things with my fingers, too.
But if you had GPS we wouldn't get to read the funny stories about you getting lost!!
as long as you can get beer and sushi, does anything else really matter?
av,
You are a sexy talker.
miztris,
You're right. I'd better not get one.
laurie,
I suppose not.
I had a GPS system that told me to drive off of a bridge and into the East River. It tried to kill me!
You need "The Hypochondriac's Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases You Probably Already Have." Much more entertaining than a GPS.
1,
Quite a few knives in the back seat of my car. You already know that, so I understand perfectly why you have them. Naturally.
I'm still driving, but I have one question, if I don't carry a purse, my shoes become an accessory. Do I have to coordinate them too?
101 Diseases You Don't Want to Get. As opposed to the thousands of diseases that you DO want to get?
todd,
Did it write a suicide note for you?
hearts,
Seriously, does that book exist? I must own it.
0,
Coordinate everything. I am weak now. Do I have to tell you everything?
diesel,
There are a lot of illnesses that you should have. Like, chicken pox.
Ok-you rarely travel beyond 6.5 miles from your hometown, you mix up left and right and the meaning of east and west is lost upon you-yet your interest in a potential man far along the International Date Line is not an impediment to your penchant for getting lost?
gucci,
I cannot help what he does to me. In fact, I think I will stalk him online now.
Give me your address and I'll mail you a GPS so you can find you way back to my place.
bunny,
I live in the Dirty South. I live in between the package store and the sushi restaurant.
Just get a Verizon Virtual Navigator on your cell phone. She's a bit whiny and naggy but she'll get you to your destination eventually. Usually. For the most part.
Just found your blog and I love it!
Oh, and I need an almanac.
Is 101 Diseases available on Amazon???
Cuz I'm kind of itchy.
mist1 you are a trip! I bought a new car a few months ago & I made sure it had the navigation package in it. I used to get lost on a daily basis.....now life is great! I always know when to turn right up ahead :-)
My name is Lee and I am Directionally Challenged. I feel your pain.
Apropos of nothing, I voted for you to be the blogger most likely to shoot up a 7-11.
I can totally see you doing that.
Everyone needs to go and vote for you here: http://www.chnnature.blogspot.com/
laurie,
I have a two year contract with Sprint. I have tried faking my own death to get out of it.
kerry,
I need a new almanac. I think mine is from 2004. But really, how much could have changed since then.
Thanks for coming by.
monkey,
I'm sure. I'll ask Mom.
paula,
You're right. Why didn't I think to ask for a new car instead of just the GPS system?
lee,
We should start a support group. I'll give everyone directions.
miss a.t.,
What shoes would go with my semi-automatic assault rifle?
I'm thinking keds. Maybe in pink with little Hello Kitty shoe laces. That way they probably won't suspect you right away.
I mean, what self respecting 7-11 shooter upper would wear Hello Kitty shoe laces?
Seriously.
I'm there with you on the directions. People have tried to say "there's no way you can get lost". Yeah, trust me, there is ALWAYS a way to get lost!
Of course, the knives in the back seat make it far more interesting...
miss a.t.,
I cannot walk in flat shoes. Do they make Keds with a heel? Do they make fat Hello Kitty laces?
legal,
Knives in the backseat make everything more interesting.
Thanks for coming by.
I just don't ever leave the house. No need for directions. :)
greg,
There are a variety of medications available for that. Sometimes, I take them all at once. Then, I don't go home for weeks.
1. yes. it burned.
2. there's a pair of shoes that i could show you. but i don't think i should recommend them to you. they'd remind me too much of my ex.
3. i've now read your entire archive. i want more. do you still have your old blog? where is it?
I had GPS but then I misplaced it. I've been trying to locate it the old fashioned way ... by looking. Still no success.
maximo,
We will never speak of the old blog again.
dan,
It's always in the last place you look.
what if you just whisper it into my ear?
maximo,
It is no longer live. I keep it tucked away in case I ever need to go on vacation. You know, to a place without internet. Which, I probably will never do, because I love not camping.
Because they're expensive! Better start saving girl. ;)
dawn,
The concept of saving is wasted on me. The concept of wasted is well understood.
Even GPS can get your lost though. You'd probably use it to drive into a river....
This is an incredibly witty blog. I have linked to your site, and you shall be inundated with traffic from my site.
I expect you will get something on the order of 3, possibly 4, new visitors. Alert Blogger of the impending server overload, hatch down the battens, and whatever else you need to do.
cynic,
I will need a swimming car.
history mike,
OMG, I have nothing to wear! I haven't even brushed my teeth yet this morning. What will my new visitor's think?
We must have the same recessive gene for sense of direction. I get lost all the time. I don't know how I moved to GA from L.A. the roads here lead to weird places and change names constantly.
c,
I can't find anything here. All the streets are Peachtree Road, Drive, Place, Parkway, Boulevard...
I'm reminded of my husbands friend who used to have a rabit pelt in his car. He said it was magical and made him invisible to cops. Now that's insurance. ;)
kristyn,
I have to get one of those pelts.
I love almanacs too. Must be the librarian in me.
Happy Easter to you. Did the bunny find you?
happy easter mist, hope your bunny was 6'2 and solid. ;-)
mist--i just automatically assume that wherever i am facing is north. oh, and i never offer to drive. works for me.
ok. in that case, let me change the subject elegantly. for some reason, i find the phrase "i love not camping" to be really hot.
Is it a southern thing that we have a natural tendency to turn left, a la nascar?
Happy Giant Bunny Rabbit Day!
library,
I've never had a librarian in me.
heather,
Does the Jackrabbit count?
nance,
People rarely let me drive.
maximo,
If I knew how to send you an audio file, I would. I love not camping.
cruiser,
I never thought about that. Race is a touchy subject, and yet, you handled it flawlessly.
mal,
I just had a Donnie Darko moment.
jackrabbit is close enough. haven't seen donnie darko in a while, i may have to dig it out tonight. great flick and appropriate for the day. thanks :-)
heather,
The Jackrabbit and I need a nap. We've had a big day.
I never lknow where I'm going, I just drive by intuition and get lost a lot. But I've seen some cool things on my travels.
Puss
puss,
I take a lot of pictures. Someday, they will help me retrace my steps.
I am the same way when it comes to directions. I like step by step directions with landmarks if possible.
I once had someone tell me that while giving them directions to my house, I said "go west" on such and such a street. Which, I learned is the wrong way. No way in hell, did I say "go west". I lived in that town my whole life and wouldn't have been able to save my life if someone asked me which way was west. It should have been a red flag that the guy was a moron.
Terrible!
elaine,
Landmarks are only good if I know where they are. I hate it when people tell me to turn right at the old lumber yard. I have no idea where that is. They should tell me, "turn left at the bar that you wore those turquoise shoes to." I would be able to figure that out.
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