To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Tired


I went to Six Flags yesterday. I am proud of myself because I didn't puke on a single cuddly mascot. I did make Porky and Petunia Pig kiss. That really amused me, because I was certain that it was two men wearing those costumes. "That was hot," I said in my best Paris Hilton voice.

There were lots of celebrities there yesterday. Evander Holyfield had his own reserved train on a ride. I was going to say something about how unfair it was to those of us who had paid extra to not wait in lines with the ordinary people, but I didn't want to get into an altercation and have to bite off his other ear, so I kept my mouth shut and waited an extra turn.

When Lisa and I finally boarded Superman (the ride, not the superhero), we sat motionless for several minutes. The operator came by and checked my harness. Twice. Then, he came back with a special tool and tightened up a screw holding me in place in my seat. I didn't know whether to feel safe or worried. I told Lisa that I loved her and that I wanted to be buried with all of my shoes just in case. "There is one thing that I need to know," Lisa said. "Did you sleep with my brother?" I couldn't believe that this was the last thing she wanted to hear from my pouty lips before I potentially plummeted to a horrible death. I deflected the question by asking her if she felt like her harness was secure and wondered out loud if the operator should have tightened hers as well.

After the ride, I really needed a beer. It is simply impossible to me that Six Flags does not serve beer. The words "Family Establishment" mean nothing to me. As I looked around at all the parents at the park with seemingly infinite numbers of children, I knew that they were thinking the same thing. Beer is a family value.

I keep a flask in my car. It is full of water, but I really enjoy taking a swig of it in traffic. People just stare and stare and give me plenty of space on the road. Yesterday, I secretly wished that it held more than water. Finally, Lisa suggested that we smoke to take our minds off of the fact that we hadn't had any beer since breakfast. We lit our cigarettes and were approached by a park employee who informed us that we couldn't smoke and walk. I told her that I thought that we were doing just fine, but that she should see Lisa try to chew gum and walk. It is a hot mess, I assured her. The park employee informed me that we could be ejected from the park for that kind of talk. I asked her how long we would have to wait in line to be ejected. She didn't laugh as she escorted us to the front gate.

I hate parking lots because I never remember where my car is parked. I lost my convenient alarm clicker a long time ago, so I usually have to wait for the parking lot to clear out before I can find my car. After a long search, we found the car in the West lot. I screeched out of my parking space to demonstrate my great displeasure with being ejected. At the stop sign, I took a swig from my water-filled flask for effect. The people in the minivan stopped across the intersection stared in horror and gave us the right of way.

I let go of the clutch and sped off.

Lisa and I laughed and felt immensely cooler than the people in the minivan. Then, I drove over the spikes in the parking lot. It turns out that those signs that warn of severe tire damage if you drive over the spikes the wrong way are not lying.

We debated about what to do for awhile. I called my auto club while Lisa spelled out "Send Booze" in stones and pieces of funnel cake that she collected in the parking lot.

Mist 1


83 Comments:

At 9:26 PM, Blogger Dorky Dad said...

So did you get the booze?

I'm always paranoid that I'll drive the wrong way through those spikes. But I'm paranoid about a lot of things.

And I've been on that Superman "ride" before. Cool.

 
At 9:46 PM, Blogger La Cubana Gringa said...

Sounds like more fun than the time I rode Superman at Six Flags. The superhero, not the ride.

 
At 10:01 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Sounds like quite a day. The tire spikes used to be my favorite ride. Then I got older and had to start paying for the tires out of my expense check. I hate growing up. At least you got pieces of funnel cake.

 
At 10:09 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

dorky,

The booze is working just fine, thanks for asking.

lcg,

I was all excited to think that you had rode Superman.

michael,

I don't like funnel cake.

 
At 10:12 PM, Blogger Echo said...

So, did you sleep with her brother?

 
At 10:13 PM, Blogger Churlita said...

Sounds like a great day.

If you ever decide to ride Superman the super hero, you'll probably want to put in a lead diaphragm...You know, just for safety's sake.

 
At 10:44 PM, Blogger Claudia said...

You were escorted and ejected and ....uhm...I'm thinking you have the makings of an arlo guthrie song there. great story!

 
At 10:46 PM, Blogger velvet girl said...

"I asked her how long we would have to wait in line to be ejected."

That's hysterical. I'm sure they have an express line for that, don't they?

Oh, and I love the flask idea, but it would get me reported and pulled over around here. Then again, I've been dying to show an officer my driver's license because I've been waiting for a professional critique of the photo. It looks like I'm naked except for a rhinestone tiara.

 
At 12:29 AM, Blogger SQT said...

Six Flags definitely should sell booze. I need a drink anytime I take my kids in public.

 
At 12:58 AM, Blogger Lizza said...

Beer is a family value.

I couldn't agree more.

 
At 3:20 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

This is a fucking brilliant post.

 
At 4:25 AM, Blogger Rhian / Crowwoman said...

Six Flags will never be the same. They probably have your picture posted on the wall for employees: beware of this woman....can i be you when i grow up?

 
At 4:51 AM, Blogger spoon said...

You showed them!!!!

 
At 4:52 AM, Blogger Lee said...

This is why you should go to Busch Gardens. They have beer. Altho I warn you, beer and rollercoasters aren't best of friends.

Maybe next time you should ride Superman, the hero, not the ride.

And yeah, did you sleep with her brother?

 
At 5:51 AM, Blogger heather said...

you know how some places have an area where for a fee you can drop your kid off and go work out or what ever, well i've always wanted to open a place that had a drop off for parents and the kids run wild elsewhere in the building. alcohol would be served of course. and a place to take a nap would be provided. i'd make a fortune if it weren't for the cost of insurance! lol

 
At 5:52 AM, Blogger Pickled Olives said...

you were definitely cooler than the minivan. If only the people in the minivan cared...

 
At 5:59 AM, Blogger EsLocura said...

I am stealing the whole flask idea. I once rode spiderman, he kept his mask on.

 
At 6:13 AM, Blogger Jay said...

People need to realize that only vodka makes children more tolerable. Gin in a pinch. What gives with these dry spaces?

 
At 6:14 AM, Blogger Reba said...

I rode superman once. I was disappointed I didn't think it lasted long enough.
The ride I mean.

 
At 6:30 AM, Blogger Yaxlich said...

This is one of Yaxlich's favourite posts. He is surprised they don't sell beer at theme parks in America, though. In England they have beer themed parks. He thinks.

 
At 6:39 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

Beer is the only reason I haven't been there since I was 20.

That must have been expensive:
$8 hotdogs + tires - x +y^3 = sixflags

x = 5

I'm good at math

 
At 6:41 AM, Blogger Matt said...

I like to do the same with "fake" blunts.

 
At 6:43 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Too bad there's no Six Flaggs in New Orleans, Mist1, because you can totally walk around w/ beer at the zoo there.

The cages are more to protect the lower animals, I think.

 
At 6:46 AM, Blogger Akelamalu said...

Do you write for television? If not why not, you'd make a million!

 
At 6:47 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Did you ask the pigs, while you were making them kiss, why they have no pants?

 
At 6:52 AM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

next time get yourself one of those six flags water bottles and fill that up with your beer, then you can walk around the park free and drunk as hell (but consider the heat and the rides).

i think i've seen you on 20 taking a swig off that flask.

 
At 6:57 AM, Blogger Ariel said...

I am..so proud of you.

 
At 7:03 AM, Anonymous e said...

Next time, go to Sea World. They have beer school. Beer. School. You hang out all day in the A/C "sampling" different kinds of beer. And it makes the shows infinitely more enjoyable.

You're welcome.

 
At 7:13 AM, Blogger Faz the Cat said...

Sounds like a great day out although the water in the flask does sound like an unusual oversight.

FAZ

p.s. park employees - is that a nature of a nuture thing?

 
At 7:13 AM, Anonymous andy said...

Dude,

That Lisa is a hot mess! One time she told me this story about how she gave mouth to mouth to a drowing bunny. Ha!

Wait, maybe that's the wrong Lisa.

 
At 7:16 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

echo,

No, but I reserve the right to do so since I'm not dead.

churlita,

I don't think men in tights are hot.

claudia,

I would like to work the word "erected" into the song.

velvet,

All my local police officers have stories about the last time they pulled me over.

sqt,

It still makes no sense to me.

lizza,

That's my platform.

fab,

I wrote it half asleep. Are there very many typos?

rhian,

I hope they put up the picture that they took of me on the Superman ride. I look good with my eyes bulging out of my head in fear.

lee,

I wish every beer company had an amusement park.

heather,

I think that's what The Department of Child Welfare is for.

olives,

Everyone cares.

es,

Masks are sexy.

jay,

I don't know a lot of children who drink vodka, but I'm sure that I would like them.

reba,

I had the same thought.

yaxlich,

I was stunned that there was no beer. I am moving to England.

Thanks for coming by.

nolff,

I have to donate some of my eggs to recover the expense of the day.

matt,

Right, fake blunts.

akelamalu,

Maybe I should write for TV. Then I could have my own reserved train on all the rides.

av,

Petunia was in a skirt. She is a decent pig.

kiyotoe,

I almost passed walking around without the alcohol. Maybe it was for the best.

ariel,

Thank you. Please tell my parents.

e,

Beer school? I think I have a five year degree from one of those places.

 
At 7:17 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

faz,

The employees are not nurturing at all.

andy,

No, that's the right one.

 
At 7:30 AM, Anonymous Invisible Man said...

I once rode Wonderwoman and then all the sudden I got this horrible pain in my ass...it was Superman, I guess he didn't see me.

 
At 7:43 AM, Anonymous themuttprincess said...

I got kicked out of a bowling alley once. That was the low part of my life.

 
At 7:50 AM, Blogger fringes said...

I thought you were working yesterday. That's what you told me when I called to go shoe shopping.

 
At 7:56 AM, Blogger PaintingChef said...

I am thinking that this post is the birthplace of a new amusement park. I would like very much to attend the grand opening.

 
At 8:01 AM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

I got a flask for a gift a few years ago, but never have used it.

Can't wait to drive to work Friday while sucking one back and blaring my new truck horn.

 
At 8:06 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

invisible,

I'm glad that you feel safe here and can share such a traumatic story. We so frequently think about the invisible people among us.

mutt,

That's not rock bottom. Keep working at it.

fringes,

I was working It.

chef,

Everyone is invited. Bring beer.

blitz,

I have a flask that I keep with my paints. It makes me feel artsy.

 
At 8:35 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Mist1, you keep talking about "Lisa" as if she were real.

 
At 8:36 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

That Petunia is one hot little porker.

 
At 8:41 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

"Send Booze". I have several of these signs in the trunk of my car.

Just in case.

 
At 8:42 AM, Blogger Pookie Sixx said...

Everytime I go to Magic Mountain, I hear the theme to National Lampoon's Vacation in my head.

 
At 9:37 AM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

I like roller coasters, but I am scared to death (To DEATH) of water slides.

I'm worried I'm going to sloosh up over the side and die in front of a crowd with a sinister wedgie.

 
At 9:48 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

Just because I'm the only one that can see her doesn't mean that she's not real.

nwjr,

She really is.

scotts,

I will have to make room in the trunk of my car for one of those signs.

pookie,

You can't walk around saying stuff like "Every time I go to Magic Mountain..." it sounds like you get high.

123,

Sinister Wedgie is a great band name.

 
At 9:55 AM, Blogger stephanie said...

Light or dark beer? Bottle or can? Domestic or imported?

There are just so many questions about beer floating through my head right now.

 
At 10:14 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

can't smoke and walk at the same time had me rollin!! oh well, that "Ejector" ride sounds like more fun anyway.

 
At 10:31 AM, Blogger Comedy + said...

Oh Mist, your life just amazes me. Getting kicked out of Six Flags. You shouldn't ever go anywhere that doesn't serve booze.

Love the flask bit. I think I'll try that. That should get me everywhere lots quicker. Well, if I don't accidently run into a copper!

 
At 10:37 AM, Blogger Natalia said...

I thought I wanted to go to Six Flags. But the idea of a place labeled "Family Entertainment" scares me. I mean...seriously...even Disney sells beer.

-N

 
At 10:54 AM, Blogger Thy Goddess said...

Damn, girl!

I want to hang out with you.

 
At 11:03 AM, Blogger Tammy said...

Amusement parks fill me with dread. Thanks for the tips on how to get ejected.

 
At 11:13 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

stephanie,

Depends on my mood. Bottle. Imported.

miztris,

We have been smoking and walking for years.

comedy,

It's really not that hard to get kicked out of places. I've been thrown out of strip clubs, homes, Whole Foods, and now an amusement park.

natalia,

Next time, we're going to Disney.

thy g,

I want you to hang out with me if you know how to change a tire. Or will drive. Or have a flask with vodka.

Thanks for coming by.

tammy,

I am here to help.

 
At 11:15 AM, Blogger The CEO said...

1,
Tell me Lisa is real and part of the posse, and that Matt made that up. Please.

 
At 11:18 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Lisa is a founding member of the posse.

 
At 11:27 AM, Blogger Thy Goddess said...

Babe:

I am the Goddess.

Can, will and have==> All three of the above and more.

Smite. (and you know why!)

 
At 11:39 AM, Blogger kat said...

You have such sass. I love it. To ask how long of a wait on line it will take to be ejected is priceless. Good for you.

 
At 11:56 AM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

The words "it is a hot mess" have just delighted me to no end.

You should keep a list of places from which you've been escorted out.

It might be a long list.

 
At 12:04 PM, Blogger paintergirl said...

Could this be the six flags in hotlanta?

 
At 12:14 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

thy g,

Fantastic. Except for the whole smite thing.

kat,

It wasn't priceless. It was really pretty expensive. I should have bought a season pass.

jocelyn,

I should start a blog based on my adventures getting kicked out of places.

painter,

I prefer to call it Mylanta.

 
At 12:39 PM, Blogger Tug said...

I can't believe you haven't learned from Lindey & filled your water bottle with vodka. I thought you knew better.

 
At 12:40 PM, Anonymous Karmyn R said...

Now I know remember why I don't go to Six Flags - no booze.

 
At 1:07 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

tug,

I don't actually want a DUI, I just want people to give me a little more space on the road.

karmyn,

It's like being in a strange alternate, sober universe.

 
At 1:48 PM, Blogger Terrible lie said...

I have kids and a beer is the first thing I would be looking for as I entered the park.. Although I have to say from the many concerts I have been to that drinking beer then jumping around or in this case being on ride throwing you all over does not do wonders for your stomach! I love rides! Have not been to 6 flags.. I'm gonna try Cedar Point this year!

 
At 1:52 PM, Blogger That's one clever little Yvonne said...

On a rainy day you should try hanging out at Chuck-E-Cheese. They DO serve beer which is why I think they're so successful.

 
At 1:57 PM, Blogger Sornie said...

The amusement park I work a mile from serves beer and I think that's about the only way I could ever deal with a park full of screaming kids who constantly want to play games, buy a soda or go to the bathroom. To potty pants I say hold it like a REAL man.

 
At 2:02 PM, Anonymous Mo said...

You know the person "checking your harness" and screwing you in (and not Lisa) was just trying to cop a feel, right?

 
At 2:44 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

terrible,

I am feeling a little vomity right now from thinking about beer and rides.

Thanks for coming by.

yvonne,

I've been to that place. It smells like kid funk.

sornie,

I guess that I would have had to face a public restroom if they had served beer. That would have been bad. I have phobias.

mo,

Sweet. I feel honored that I was the only one who got felt up.

 
At 3:38 PM, Anonymous bice said...

Theme parks should never be endured in a sober state. Ever. It's an abomination to nature itself.

 
At 3:53 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

bice,

I would move out of the Bible Belt, but I like how everyone calls me Ms. Mist.

 
At 6:20 PM, Blogger Nölff said...

I want to lick mashed potatoes off your face.

 
At 6:26 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nolff,

No gravy. Garlic is okay.

 
At 6:50 PM, Blogger Todd said...

No beer at a theme park?!? Wow. I was so spoiled by Cedar Point back in Ohio. World's Best Roller Coasters and all the $10 beer you could drink...

As for you getting screwed twice, I'd expect nothing less.

 
At 7:12 PM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

I would only go to an amusement park with you if it was free or you paid in case we got ejected before I got my money's worth.

 
At 7:14 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

todd,

It wasn't the good kind of getting screwed twice.

icl,

It doesn't look like we'll be going to any amusement parks soon. How about a movie instead?

 
At 8:05 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

That flask idea is awesome. I thought I was cool for filling mine with absinthe. You're my hero(ine).

 
At 8:43 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

crank,

I am pretty sure that I've never done heroin.

 
At 6:38 AM, Blogger Queen of Dysfunction said...

The amount of readily available alcohol at an amusement park should be in direct proportion to the number of children. Six Flags should have a host bar.

 
At 8:36 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

q of d,

So, I would have to bring children to drink?

 
At 9:19 AM, Blogger STAK said...

Beer is a family value..........number one on my family's list apparently.....

 
At 9:26 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

stak,

I feel really close to your family right now.

 
At 9:35 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I may have to get a flask. I love being treated with deference, and it would be fun to show the policeman who pulled me over that it was just water.

 
At 11:28 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

You really have to hope that the officer has a great sense of humor.

 
At 3:34 PM, Blogger Rhian / Crowwoman said...

At least you didn't try to go to Six Flags on Thursday in Atlanta - i hear that was quite the experience with lines starting at 3:30am and gates closing at 7:30am.

 
At 5:52 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

rhian,

Nothing gets me out of bed that early. Nothing.

 

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Name: Mist1
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