Tired
I went to Six Flags yesterday. I am proud of myself because I didn't puke on a single cuddly mascot. I did make Porky and Petunia Pig kiss. That really amused me, because I was certain that it was two men wearing those costumes. "That was hot," I said in my best Paris Hilton voice.There were lots of celebrities there yesterday. Evander Holyfield had his own reserved train on a ride. I was going to say something about how unfair it was to those of us who had paid extra to not wait in lines with the ordinary people, but I didn't want to get into an altercation and have to bite off his other ear, so I kept my mouth shut and waited an extra turn.
When Lisa and I finally boarded Superman (the ride, not the superhero), we sat motionless for several minutes. The operator came by and checked my harness. Twice. Then, he came back with a special tool and tightened up a screw holding me in place in my seat. I didn't know whether to feel safe or worried. I told Lisa that I loved her and that I wanted to be buried with all of my shoes just in case. "There is one thing that I need to know," Lisa said. "Did you sleep with my brother?" I couldn't believe that this was the last thing she wanted to hear from my pouty lips before I potentially plummeted to a horrible death. I deflected the question by asking her if she felt like her harness was secure and wondered out loud if the operator should have tightened hers as well.
After the ride, I really needed a beer. It is simply impossible to me that Six Flags does not serve beer. The words "Family Establishment" mean nothing to me. As I looked around at all the parents at the park with seemingly infinite numbers of children, I knew that they were thinking the same thing. Beer is a family value.
I keep a flask in my car. It is full of water, but I really enjoy taking a swig of it in traffic. People just stare and stare and give me plenty of space on the road. Yesterday, I secretly wished that it held more than water. Finally, Lisa suggested that we smoke to take our minds off of the fact that we hadn't had any beer since breakfast. We lit our cigarettes and were approached by a park employee who informed us that we couldn't smoke and walk. I told her that I thought that we were doing just fine, but that she should see Lisa try to chew gum and walk. It is a hot mess, I assured her. The park employee informed me that we could be ejected from the park for that kind of talk. I asked her how long we would have to wait in line to be ejected. She didn't laugh as she escorted us to the front gate.
I hate parking lots because I never remember where my car is parked. I lost my convenient alarm clicker a long time ago, so I usually have to wait for the parking lot to clear out before I can find my car. After a long search, we found the car in the West lot. I screeched out of my parking space to demonstrate my great displeasure with being ejected. At the stop sign, I took a swig from my water-filled flask for effect. The people in the minivan stopped across the intersection stared in horror and gave us the right of way.
I let go of the clutch and sped off.
Lisa and I laughed and felt immensely cooler than the people in the minivan. Then, I drove over the spikes in the parking lot. It turns out that those signs that warn of severe tire damage if you drive over the spikes the wrong way are not lying.
We debated about what to do for awhile. I called my auto club while Lisa spelled out "Send Booze" in stones and pieces of funnel cake that she collected in the parking lot.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:22 AM
80 Comments:
So did you get the booze?
I'm always paranoid that I'll drive the wrong way through those spikes. But I'm paranoid about a lot of things.
And I've been on that Superman "ride" before. Cool.
Sounds like more fun than the time I rode Superman at Six Flags. The superhero, not the ride.
Sounds like quite a day. The tire spikes used to be my favorite ride. Then I got older and had to start paying for the tires out of my expense check. I hate growing up. At least you got pieces of funnel cake.
dorky,
The booze is working just fine, thanks for asking.
lcg,
I was all excited to think that you had rode Superman.
michael,
I don't like funnel cake.
So, did you sleep with her brother?
Sounds like a great day.
If you ever decide to ride Superman the super hero, you'll probably want to put in a lead diaphragm...You know, just for safety's sake.
You were escorted and ejected and ....uhm...I'm thinking you have the makings of an arlo guthrie song there. great story!
"I asked her how long we would have to wait in line to be ejected."
That's hysterical. I'm sure they have an express line for that, don't they?
Oh, and I love the flask idea, but it would get me reported and pulled over around here. Then again, I've been dying to show an officer my driver's license because I've been waiting for a professional critique of the photo. It looks like I'm naked except for a rhinestone tiara.
Six Flags definitely should sell booze. I need a drink anytime I take my kids in public.
Beer is a family value.
I couldn't agree more.
Six Flags will never be the same. They probably have your picture posted on the wall for employees: beware of this woman....can i be you when i grow up?
You showed them!!!!
This is why you should go to Busch Gardens. They have beer. Altho I warn you, beer and rollercoasters aren't best of friends.
Maybe next time you should ride Superman, the hero, not the ride.
And yeah, did you sleep with her brother?
you know how some places have an area where for a fee you can drop your kid off and go work out or what ever, well i've always wanted to open a place that had a drop off for parents and the kids run wild elsewhere in the building. alcohol would be served of course. and a place to take a nap would be provided. i'd make a fortune if it weren't for the cost of insurance! lol
you were definitely cooler than the minivan. If only the people in the minivan cared...
I am stealing the whole flask idea. I once rode spiderman, he kept his mask on.
People need to realize that only vodka makes children more tolerable. Gin in a pinch. What gives with these dry spaces?
I rode superman once. I was disappointed I didn't think it lasted long enough.
The ride I mean.
This is one of Yaxlich's favourite posts. He is surprised they don't sell beer at theme parks in America, though. In England they have beer themed parks. He thinks.
Beer is the only reason I haven't been there since I was 20.
That must have been expensive:
$8 hotdogs + tires - x +y^3 = sixflags
x = 5
I'm good at math
I like to do the same with "fake" blunts.
Too bad there's no Six Flaggs in New Orleans, Mist1, because you can totally walk around w/ beer at the zoo there.
The cages are more to protect the lower animals, I think.
Do you write for television? If not why not, you'd make a million!
Did you ask the pigs, while you were making them kiss, why they have no pants?
next time get yourself one of those six flags water bottles and fill that up with your beer, then you can walk around the park free and drunk as hell (but consider the heat and the rides).
i think i've seen you on 20 taking a swig off that flask.
I am..so proud of you.
Next time, go to Sea World. They have beer school. Beer. School. You hang out all day in the A/C "sampling" different kinds of beer. And it makes the shows infinitely more enjoyable.
You're welcome.
Sounds like a great day out although the water in the flask does sound like an unusual oversight.
FAZ
p.s. park employees - is that a nature of a nuture thing?
Dude,
That Lisa is a hot mess! One time she told me this story about how she gave mouth to mouth to a drowing bunny. Ha!
Wait, maybe that's the wrong Lisa.
echo,
No, but I reserve the right to do so since I'm not dead.
churlita,
I don't think men in tights are hot.
claudia,
I would like to work the word "erected" into the song.
velvet,
All my local police officers have stories about the last time they pulled me over.
sqt,
It still makes no sense to me.
lizza,
That's my platform.
fab,
I wrote it half asleep. Are there very many typos?
rhian,
I hope they put up the picture that they took of me on the Superman ride. I look good with my eyes bulging out of my head in fear.
lee,
I wish every beer company had an amusement park.
heather,
I think that's what The Department of Child Welfare is for.
olives,
Everyone cares.
es,
Masks are sexy.
jay,
I don't know a lot of children who drink vodka, but I'm sure that I would like them.
reba,
I had the same thought.
yaxlich,
I was stunned that there was no beer. I am moving to England.
Thanks for coming by.
nolff,
I have to donate some of my eggs to recover the expense of the day.
matt,
Right, fake blunts.
akelamalu,
Maybe I should write for TV. Then I could have my own reserved train on all the rides.
av,
Petunia was in a skirt. She is a decent pig.
kiyotoe,
I almost passed walking around without the alcohol. Maybe it was for the best.
ariel,
Thank you. Please tell my parents.
e,
Beer school? I think I have a five year degree from one of those places.
faz,
The employees are not nurturing at all.
andy,
No, that's the right one.
I got kicked out of a bowling alley once. That was the low part of my life.
I thought you were working yesterday. That's what you told me when I called to go shoe shopping.
I am thinking that this post is the birthplace of a new amusement park. I would like very much to attend the grand opening.
I got a flask for a gift a few years ago, but never have used it.
Can't wait to drive to work Friday while sucking one back and blaring my new truck horn.
invisible,
I'm glad that you feel safe here and can share such a traumatic story. We so frequently think about the invisible people among us.
mutt,
That's not rock bottom. Keep working at it.
fringes,
I was working It.
chef,
Everyone is invited. Bring beer.
blitz,
I have a flask that I keep with my paints. It makes me feel artsy.
Mist1, you keep talking about "Lisa" as if she were real.
That Petunia is one hot little porker.
"Send Booze". I have several of these signs in the trunk of my car.
Just in case.
Everytime I go to Magic Mountain, I hear the theme to National Lampoon's Vacation in my head.
I like roller coasters, but I am scared to death (To DEATH) of water slides.
I'm worried I'm going to sloosh up over the side and die in front of a crowd with a sinister wedgie.
matt,
Just because I'm the only one that can see her doesn't mean that she's not real.
nwjr,
She really is.
scotts,
I will have to make room in the trunk of my car for one of those signs.
pookie,
You can't walk around saying stuff like "Every time I go to Magic Mountain..." it sounds like you get high.
123,
Sinister Wedgie is a great band name.
Light or dark beer? Bottle or can? Domestic or imported?
There are just so many questions about beer floating through my head right now.
can't smoke and walk at the same time had me rollin!! oh well, that "Ejector" ride sounds like more fun anyway.
Oh Mist, your life just amazes me. Getting kicked out of Six Flags. You shouldn't ever go anywhere that doesn't serve booze.
Love the flask bit. I think I'll try that. That should get me everywhere lots quicker. Well, if I don't accidently run into a copper!
I thought I wanted to go to Six Flags. But the idea of a place labeled "Family Entertainment" scares me. I mean...seriously...even Disney sells beer.
-N
Damn, girl!
I want to hang out with you.
Amusement parks fill me with dread. Thanks for the tips on how to get ejected.
stephanie,
Depends on my mood. Bottle. Imported.
miztris,
We have been smoking and walking for years.
comedy,
It's really not that hard to get kicked out of places. I've been thrown out of strip clubs, homes, Whole Foods, and now an amusement park.
natalia,
Next time, we're going to Disney.
thy g,
I want you to hang out with me if you know how to change a tire. Or will drive. Or have a flask with vodka.
Thanks for coming by.
tammy,
I am here to help.
1,
Tell me Lisa is real and part of the posse, and that Matt made that up. Please.
0,
Lisa is a founding member of the posse.
Babe:
I am the Goddess.
Can, will and have==> All three of the above and more.
Smite. (and you know why!)
You have such sass. I love it. To ask how long of a wait on line it will take to be ejected is priceless. Good for you.
The words "it is a hot mess" have just delighted me to no end.
You should keep a list of places from which you've been escorted out.
It might be a long list.
Could this be the six flags in hotlanta?
thy g,
Fantastic. Except for the whole smite thing.
kat,
It wasn't priceless. It was really pretty expensive. I should have bought a season pass.
jocelyn,
I should start a blog based on my adventures getting kicked out of places.
painter,
I prefer to call it Mylanta.
I can't believe you haven't learned from Lindey & filled your water bottle with vodka. I thought you knew better.
Now I know remember why I don't go to Six Flags - no booze.
tug,
I don't actually want a DUI, I just want people to give me a little more space on the road.
karmyn,
It's like being in a strange alternate, sober universe.
I have kids and a beer is the first thing I would be looking for as I entered the park.. Although I have to say from the many concerts I have been to that drinking beer then jumping around or in this case being on ride throwing you all over does not do wonders for your stomach! I love rides! Have not been to 6 flags.. I'm gonna try Cedar Point this year!
On a rainy day you should try hanging out at Chuck-E-Cheese. They DO serve beer which is why I think they're so successful.
The amusement park I work a mile from serves beer and I think that's about the only way I could ever deal with a park full of screaming kids who constantly want to play games, buy a soda or go to the bathroom. To potty pants I say hold it like a REAL man.
You know the person "checking your harness" and screwing you in (and not Lisa) was just trying to cop a feel, right?
terrible,
I am feeling a little vomity right now from thinking about beer and rides.
Thanks for coming by.
yvonne,
I've been to that place. It smells like kid funk.
sornie,
I guess that I would have had to face a public restroom if they had served beer. That would have been bad. I have phobias.
mo,
Sweet. I feel honored that I was the only one who got felt up.
Theme parks should never be endured in a sober state. Ever. It's an abomination to nature itself.
bice,
I would move out of the Bible Belt, but I like how everyone calls me Ms. Mist.
I want to lick mashed potatoes off your face.
nolff,
No gravy. Garlic is okay.
No beer at a theme park?!? Wow. I was so spoiled by Cedar Point back in Ohio. World's Best Roller Coasters and all the $10 beer you could drink...
As for you getting screwed twice, I'd expect nothing less.
I would only go to an amusement park with you if it was free or you paid in case we got ejected before I got my money's worth.
todd,
It wasn't the good kind of getting screwed twice.
icl,
It doesn't look like we'll be going to any amusement parks soon. How about a movie instead?
That flask idea is awesome. I thought I was cool for filling mine with absinthe. You're my hero(ine).
crank,
I am pretty sure that I've never done heroin.
q of d,
So, I would have to bring children to drink?
Beer is a family value..........number one on my family's list apparently.....
stak,
I feel really close to your family right now.
I may have to get a flask. I love being treated with deference, and it would be fun to show the policeman who pulled me over that it was just water.
hearts,
You really have to hope that the officer has a great sense of humor.
At least you didn't try to go to Six Flags on Thursday in Atlanta - i hear that was quite the experience with lines starting at 3:30am and gates closing at 7:30am.
rhian,
Nothing gets me out of bed that early. Nothing.
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