Shooting Up
In Friday's comments, I was notified that I have been nominated over at I Miei Pensieri as the blogger most likely to shoot up at a 7-11.At first, I was a little confused by this nomination. Although, I am thin, I am not thin enough to be cast in Trainspotting II. I have relatively scar free arms (my right forearm has a small scar that I swear is from when I got monkey pox, but looks suspiciously like a cigarette burn). Then, I reread the category. I have been nominated as the blogger most likely to shoot up a 7-11. That makes much more sense.
I have felt like shooting up a 7-11 before. Actually, it was a BP, but it really makes no difference because my inner conspiracy theorist has told me that They are all part of the same foreign oil dependent animal.
I would have shot up that BP for not selling me beer because I didn't have my ID on me, but I got distracted because I was rather flattered that he thought that I was under 21. I gave him my phone number instead and told him to call me.
All this somehow reminds me of a crush that I had on a boy years and years ago. Jason is still in prison for shooting the gas station attendant for $20. I found his prison profile online a few months ago and I thought about writing to him and telling him about the crush that I had on him as an awkward teen. But then, I looked at his photo and noted that I'd have to learn how to braid his hair and knew that it was too big a job for me. I can't braid. Still, I wish him all the best upon his release in 2017.
In the meantime, I am still trying to figure out what I will wear to shoot up a 7-11. Clearly, I can't wear flats. My ankles don't look their best in flats and the surveillance camera will add ten pounds to each ankle. I will need a sensible heel to wear while fleeing the scene. Then, there is the weapon to consider. Am I an automatic kind of girl or an old school revolver chick? Naturally, either will be unloaded (I know the law).
Do I wear a mask or just large sunglasses? Should I get my hair colored now or after to throw off the cops?
Also, I will need a driver. I am afraid that I will not be able to speed away fast enough and check my lip gloss in the mirror at the same time without popping a tire or stalling out. My driver should be able to make the tires smoke and squeal too. That would set the mood.
I never knew that there was this much to consider in leading a life of crime.
Mist 1
P.S. Thanks, Miss Ann Thrope for the nomination. Why can't I link to you here?
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:48 AM
94 Comments:
Don't waste time with hair coloring. Just do a mohawk after the fact. That way, if you do get caught, the other gals in the pen will think you're all gangsta and stuff and you won't be anyone's bitch. See, you have to think wayyy outside the box when you consider a life of crime.
I'm sure you could learn to braid by 2017. And you raise very good points. After all, a fashion forward criminal wins points in court. At least that's what I'm told.
Don't even worry about a gun, just grab a red hot beef and bean burrito and stick it in your pocket. That's what I call packin' heat.
Make sure your get-away car is rear-wheel drive. It's a lot easier to smoke the tires if it is. In fact, while you're in there doing your thing, have the driver splash a little bleach on the back tires. That makes them throw clouds of white smoke when you peel out.
I'm up for it if you are.
Don't forget to scoop a bunch of candy bars into your bag before you high tail it outta there!
Hint: Don't stop and try to decide which ones to take. Scoop and run.
I threw up at a 7-11 once, but it had nothing to do with their high quality yet affordable menu selections.
Wow. You've got some thinking to do. I suggest you watch Bonnie and Clyde. Faye Dunaway was so hot in that and very tastefully dressed.
I'm an awesome getaway driver, so if you need my help, I'm game.
You should be looking your best when you are committing a felony. There's a slight chance you will be shot and killed, and you don't want the final impression you leave people with be one of a slovenly person who doesn't care about looking good. That'd be rude.
ok. this goes against my better judgment, but the shoes you should wear.
The right accessories and just the right pair of shoes will make or break your criminal career so don't be haste in making these critical choices.
Wear clean underwear!
(Speaking from experience here)
And practice,practice,practice, you don't take down a 7-11 on your first go.
You must wear black, absolutely. And heels, obviously. Who wants tankles when robbing, so LY. Or go as a crackhead shooting up in the 7/11 shooting up a 7/11 ala bridget fonda in assassin.
And check out bus timetables, thats gotta be the classiest getaway vehicle eva.
One word: Wedges.
Maybe you should wear a bullet bikini a'la Rose McGowan and Rosario Dawson's recent cover shot. On second thought, don't... nobody would be looking at your shoes, and that's sacrilege.
As soon as you mentioned big sunglasses I pictured Paris Hilton shooting up a 7-11.
It was satisfying in all sort of strange ways...
So, I propose that when you go to do this you ensure that you are:
a) very blonde
b) wearing giant sunnies
c) carrying a small dog in a handbag
It's probably the perfect crime.
Something tells me you're just not ready for the life of crime ;)
I think your shoot up is foolproof!
Can I be your driver? That would be fun.
Big sunglasses with a scarf..as in wrapped around your hair. Wear a wig under the scarf to throw them off. I would offer to drive but I will be there dressed to the 9 wearing wonderful heels to talk to the news cast. I may have to faint. I should wear a long skirt.
I'll be your driver, but only if we get to have getaway sex. It's the best, or so I'm told.
cruiser,
I don't want to look like Sanjaya.
olives,
I just don't see myself braiding hair.
blitz,
A burrito sounds good right now.
todd,
You've done this before, haven't you?
icl,
But, I am picky about my candy bars.
michael,
I don't think throwing up is an award category, but I'll write it on.
churlita,
I didn't even think about doing research. You're so smart.
seb,
Shot and killed? I'm not up for either.
maximo,
Not those socks. I'll get caught in those for sure.
bice,
I'm going shopping this afternoon.
mxi,
Should I start with a Chevron station for practice?
joie,
I don't prefer public transportation due to my dislike for the smell of other people's urine.
lux,
That's what I was thinking exactly.
wg,
Good point.
amy,
I'll have to carry my cat in my handbag. I'm sure Hissy's game.
orhan,
I just need a few lessons. Is there a correspondence class?
spoon,
Whenever people say foolproof, I get nervous.
debbie,
You can distract them with your boobs.
ariel,
What color wig?
av,
Is that like make up sex?
The next time you have to stand behind some doosh that has to play a bunch of lottery tickets you're gonna be all "pyew pyew pyew"
I wrote you a haiku
it's a pyew-ku:
pyew pyew pyew pyew pyew
pyew pyew pyew pyew pyew pyew pyew
pyew pyew pyew pyew pyew
I really hope you're writing a book with all these crazy stories.
And by the way, I'm from Jersey, I have a little experience in getaway driving, call me. ;)
It's perfect that you would pick your shoes first!
I'd go with a .38 snub nosed revolver--less kickback ;-)
Whilst smoking weed with a group of buddies in high school when I was younger, we decided to make smiley faces with the hot lighter. Apparently if you hold a lighter upside down, it will get the roller and rim real hot and when pressed to flesh briefly, it will form a smiley face. Unfortunately, my smiley face blistered into a horrendous scar I still have on my right forearm. I tell everyone these days, it was from a knife fight with a biker gang.
Except better.
I would see it as a wig opportunity - a razor-sharp blonde bob would do well - black patent leather heels and a belted trench coat. Huge sunglasses and lots of lipgloss to perfect the look.
What were you doing again...?
Puss
nolff,
This is clearly a performance piece.
kiyotoe,
I wouldn't ask you to be my driver. You'd just sit there like you didn't know me.
turn,
No one ever uses a crossbow anymore. Why is that?
furious,
You are so tough.
av,
It's hard to imagine anything better than make up sex.
puss,
I just bought a new gloss. I am almost ready.
I'm pretty sure that prison is where people go to learn how to braid hair, unless you're a bad ass then you make others braid your hair. I've seen movies about women's prison on cable. It looks fairly awesome. If you go please invite me to visit.
Eagerly Waiting,
Dagromm
dagromm,
I'm not planning another prison trip anytime soon. Worst several hours of my life. I didn't learn how to braid hair.
You should dress up like Uma Thurman in "Pulp Fiction". Wait...then you should come to my house. We'll just take it from there.
I would suggest large, dark sunglasses and a head scarf--a very classic look.
And, I know exactly what you mean: a good wheel man is hard to find.
I think you should work stealing a slurpee into the mix. That won't take up too much of your time...
You haven't tried getaway sex! Let's go rob something.
well of course the socks aren't for the stickup. they're for... um... later. ;)
but did bp boy ever call you, o young looking one?
good heavens, if this isn't a situation that's absolutely demanding the kitten heel, then i just don't know what is.
what is the matter with you people?
nwjr,
I love that movie. No needles in my heart, unless absolutely necessary okay?
matt,
I don't want to get tripped up over the head scarf and have it get wrapped around the tire or anything.
p of u,
I like blue raspberry.
av,
Smash and grab at a shoe store?
maximo,
I have a no sock policy. Unless they are fishnets.
hello,
The BP boy called, but when I found out that he couldn't get me a discount on gas, I lost interest.
nance,
That's what I was thinking originally. But the kitten heel is so 2006. It's all about the wedge now.
you would freeze to death in boston.
q of d,
I'm really good at keeping secrets as long as he doesn't read my blog.
maximo,
Adding another reason why I love it here in the Dirty South.
Oh I'm so glad, finally something I can help with.
All the A-listers are wearing big glasses when they shoot up these days. And no panties.
If there's anything I've learned about guys in the slammer, it's that they're worth the wait. So, hold out for 2017...and in the meantime, try not to get caught so you can be on the outside when he gets out.
Oh, and my suggestion for a 7-11 shoot up ensemble: leather chaps, sans panties. They won't even remember what your hair looked like. (On your head.)
britt,
Damn. I just bought new panties too.
lcg,
Where else would I have hair?
I'd offer to be your getaway driver, I have some experience in running from the law. However after your previous post regarding passenger road rage, I think I'd be too scared.
Never mind, have you thought about public transport to get away in. Much easier to blend into the crowd. Course your timing would have to be perfect.
oneman,
I don't blend in easily. It seems that I have a flair for the dramatic.
will you ever know the pleasure of stripping out of snow-drenched clothing and drying off in front of a roaring fire in nothing but a sheepskin wrap?
re: body hair. my brothers and i had occasion to read my dad's medical history. (not going to explain in public how we came upon it. anyways...) his doctor noted on the first physical: patient has very hairy toes.
my dad was tall for a hobbit.
I can be your driver! I just learned two years ago in London and can barely manage the highway! I can also shoot up for you it you want!
mist, i'm so sorry but i have to disagree with everyone on the shoes. the perfect disguise for you would be a pair of beat to shit combat boots. there is no way on earth anyone would believe you had them anywhere near you feet so even with photographic proof you would never be convicted. to further enhance the disguise wear one of those silly rainbow colored clown wigs, same reasoning for that one, and you would never have to fire your smith and wesson m&p compact .357sig.
What the hell happened to my comment????
*sigh*
I asked what my take was if I were to be your getaway driver.
oooh AND! Miss Ann has invitee only readers, mayhaps that is why you can't link to her.
maximo,
I used to live in the Tundra. I know the pleasure all too well. I am over it. As for the hairy toes, if that runs in the family, I bet you save a fortune on socks.
mogul,
Bring your own needle. We can share a belt.
heather,
I'm not sure if I can go through with that.
scotts,
We can negotiate your fee after I see your references.
oh that's right. you're from an even colder place.
well, seeing as how i will never visit any american city south of the mason-dixon line*, i guess we're doomed never to do the naked lambada. with each other.
*i have no idea where the mason-dixon line is.
maximo,
I use terms that I don't understand all the time. It makes me seem more intelligent.
I was thinking a sex shop, but shoes are okay, too.
Go for the unexpected: use a hot glue gun or an ear piercing gun.
Mist1, this is quite and amusing one...I love it! I think you have carefully thought out your plan and have all of your priorities in line...haha, gotta love the lip gloss comment!!! You can always watch "Fun With Dick and Jane" for more tips too ;)
Ariel~You are a riot!!! I was thinking of the big sunglasses with scarf thing too, so I had to give you a shout out!!! :)
Mist1 what's a 7-11? (I'm British!)
You definitely need a driver,unless you've now got SatNav, you know you get lost easily!
Would you coordinate your gun with your shoes? I've never been clear on that one.
I knew someone a long time ago who shot up in a Taco Bell bathroom on her birthday. She overdosed and died. Not a good day for the employees at Taco Bell.
Mist, I can see you doing this. I don't think you need to worry about the cops at all. Who would hold you to blame for shooting up a 7-11?
As for the crush...Don't write to him under any circumstances. You have enough on your plate already, although he may be a great help in shooting up a 7-11? Never mind. He got caught and is serving time.
You should wear a red dominatrix vinyl job with the breasts exposed.
There are several reasons for this.
Vinyl wipes off well, so easy clean up for the blood. Remember, we are shooting up the place.
The exposed breasts will ensure no one is looking at your face. This gives you the luxury of choosing sunglasses or scarf as you please with no worries.
The added bonus is since the camera adds 10 pounds, the security tapes will make your breasts seem that much more ample.
Finally I could never hope to instruct the mistress on her choice of shoes. Something the other comments have fallen prey to doing. The just don't understand it was a test.
If you're going to the 7-Eleven, can you pick me up a York Peppermint Patty?
Thanks, doll.
Oh, you can learn to braid...and he'd be a great driver. Problem solved.
Hah.
I think I'd be the blogger most likely to drag tailgaters out of their vehicles and beat them senseless with a pizza.
I miss 7-11's we don't have those here in Puerto Rico, could you manage to send me a post card, either from the 7-11 or prison?
2017 for a $20 robbery? That's so sad.
Wow... people are just roaring to help you shoot up a 7-11! LOL
I say get someone else to shoot up a 7-11 for ya, I mean -- they don't even have liquor anyway. And don't forget to order them to grab you a couple of carton of cigarettes on their get-away out. It's only right in your honor.
Why are half the men in this country under the age of 40 named Jason?
Old school revolver chick, for sure. Automatics are so tacky.
av,
There is a shoe/sex depot close to where you live. I'll be there. Let's synchronize our watches. I don't wear a watch.
chick,
I wouldn't have a seven day waiting period then. Actually, I don't think my state does have a seven day waiting period.
tera,
I am good at priorities and accessories.
akelamalu,
I'm not sure that we have them here either. They are convenience stores.
velvet,
What days are good for Taco Bell employees?
I don't want to match my gun to my shoes. No cowboy boots and revolvers, too expected.
comedy,
But he likes poetry and drawing.
wave,
I never thought the ten pounds of extra boobage. I want to be on camera all the time.
And you saw through my test. Well done.
dawn,
My attention span is too short for braiding.
mal,
I have never been beaten senseless by a pizza before. But, I did have one with extra garlic. Lots of people were beaten senseless by my breath.
es,
I'll send you the jailhouse at night postcard. That's my favorite one.
curiosity,
I'll also take all of the cold medicine behind the counter. I'm not feeling that well.
edgy,
Automatics are tacky. I drive a manual transmission.
As long as you have the right shoes on, everything else will fall into place.
Am I an automatic kind of girl or an old school revolver chick? Naturally, either will be unloaded (I know the law).
I'd say automatic, fired from the hip, but I digress. Is there a difference between loaded, unloaded and even fake in the US generally. In happy old blighty any inference of being armed, including the old banana in your pocket* trick is taken as seriously as pulling a loaded firearm.
poons
*yes I am pleased to see you, also.
pissy,
It's the biggest decision I've had to make all year. Except for if I want copper or honey highlights, that was hard too.
poons,
I'm allergic to bananas, so that technique is out. I'm going to stick with unloaded.
Welcome back, where have you been?
1,
I never realized it could be so difficult coordinating for a job like this. What if you just opened the gas pump and burned the place to the ground? Dress in black, with black stiletto heels, and call yourself a ninja. Shrimp and vodka after at the big party.
0,
Ninjas are so quiet. That's going to be hard for me. I've never heard of a talkative ninja.
omg omg omg omg omg... someone just said the magic word. (ninja.)
lack stiletto heels must be boots!! Black leather stiletto boots!!! Oh yeah.
Ooohh.... "You'd just sit there like you didn't know me." was that some kind of cheap shot?
how long is it going to take before i make up for that?
oops...I misspelled up there...sorry about that!!
The correct term is "allegedly".
P.S. I googled "allegedly" to make sure I spelled it correctly and this came up "Charges Against Teen Upgraded After Dog He Allegedly Raped Dies".
Wow.
maximo,
I can't tell you how many late night discussions I've had about Pirates vs. Ninjas.
claudia,
I'll have to wait for the weather to cooperate if I'm going to wear boots. I can't wear boots unless it's chilly.
kiyotoe,
Yes, that was a cheap shot. It's all I've got. If you had said something, then we would have stories to tell that started with "remember when we..." but, alas, you gave me the cold shoulder.
todd,
That makes more sense than if it had said "Charges Against Teen Upgraded After Dog He Raped Allegedly Dies." It's hard to allegedly die.
Good, so I'm not the only one who misread this as saying that you would shoot up AT a 7-11. As in hiding in a back alley behind the store with a needle full of liquid love stuck in your arm. Because really, that's how I picture you.
Where have I been?
Well I was born in St Chatherines Hospital in....
Oh I See...
Um, something a bit like this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4TKTRV4HM0
/me hides banana behind back.
Why a 7-11? What are you going to make off with, $20 and a Slurpee? Maybe some girly mags and a lottery ticket? It just doesn't seem worth it. Real thieves knock off casinos or nursing homes.
brooke,
You picture me doing that in cute shoes, right?
poons,
Didn't it hurt to have those things up your nose?
dorky,
As much as I love BINGO, I don't like nursing homes. There's like six women to every man in nursing homes. I can't stand the competition.
you're classier than that, mist. I see you robbing a bank...but shooting up a 7/11? nah.
miztris,
I have the perfect outfit for bank robbery.
well, if you do that and somehow end up going to prison because of a horrible driver who goes too slow or something...at least you'll be able to reunite with Jason. I wish you two the best of luck.
I'm put out that you won't even think of the Hello Kitty! keds.
I don't know. Why can't you link to me? Do you need help with that a href thingy?
h & b,
I think I have Jason out of my system. Jason is still in The System.
miss a.t.,
I don't do Keds. And I think I might be retarded when it comes to your blog. I can't even leave comments there.
you need to be logged in to leave comments. and it's possible Rachel put some htaccess code in there so my link can't be followed. I'm not sure...she does stuff all the time that I'm unsure of. But then, I'm sorta in a perpetual state of unsuredness.
miss a.t.,
Can't Rachel make some kind of special patch for me so that I don't have to log in? I'm not good at the whole logging in thing.
wigs darling wigs...that way you don't have to deal with your roots as you do when you have a dye job. ;-)
*smack smack*
nofear,
I have one in the trunk of the car.
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