To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Pork, It's What's For Dinner


Go ahead and call PETA now.

When I think about my relationship with Wiggy, the albino guinea pig who lives with me, I am always reminded of that children's song about the old woman who swallowed a fly. She swallowed a spider to catch the fly and then continued to swallow a whole bunch of other critters to get the damn fly.

It's no secret that I'm not overly fond of Wiggy. I rescued her five years ago and I have been waiting for her to die ever since. The first thing I do every morning is check my email. Then, I check to see if Wiggy is still breathing. Guinea pigs can live to be eight years old. By my calculations, Wiggy is living on borrowed time. A few months ago, when I noticed that Wiggy was still in perfect health, I got a cat.

This plan seemed flawless at the time, but it hasn't worked out the way that I had expected. Hissy seems to have no feline instincts. He lounges around the house and attacks my ankles. Once an hour, he gets up to smack Wiggy. Wiggy seems to like the attention.

The problem is that Wiggy is huge by guinea pig standards. There is no way that Hissy could eat Wiggy all at once. I knew that I should have adopted a boa constrictor or a cougar, but Hissy's spots looked so good with my shoes and my furnishings that I was instantly smitten.

About three years ago, I stopped bathing Wiggy. I pretended that I didn't notice that there was crap stuck in her fur. I was able to ignore the four pound clump of wood shavings that clung to the crap stuck in her fur. But, I couldn't overlook the problem any longer when her food bowl (with a carrot in it) became adhered to her rear. Wiggy loves carrots. She chased the carrot in the bowl stuck to her a$ around in circles. It was amusing at first. Eventually, the noise of her overgrown talons scraping the bottom of her cage and the clunking of the bowl against the sides of the cage irritated me.

Last night, I decided that it was time for Wiggy to have a bath.

I ran a few inches of warm water in the bathroom sink and slowly eased her into her bath. She squealed and shrieked. I lifted her up out of the water and examined her butt. The bowl had come free, but several years of crap were still firmly glued to her fur.

I massaged the soap onto her butt. Wiggy cooed. I massaged and Wiggy cooed. And then I got it. She was enjoying it too much. I retched and rinsed the soap from her fur. I hastily dried her fur and returned her to the cage.

As I type this, she is standing up on her hind legs, staring at me between the bars of her cage. Her red eyes are saying, "Mist, you're not gonna leave a pig hanging, are you?"

I am disgusted with myself. I feel used.

Mist 1


102 Comments:

At 8:29 PM, Blogger The CEO said...

1,
Send the pig to Imus.

 
At 8:30 PM, Blogger Todd said...

Wiggy got the kind of attention most of your readers wish they could have!

 
At 8:31 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Your post reminds me that I haven't seen our cat in a few days. Or has it been a few weeks?

It sounds like you and Wiggy are ripe for a great children's book. You can call it 'The Ballad of Wiggy the Unwanted Piggy' or 'The Woman Who Never Mist Her Piggy.'

 
At 8:37 PM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

Send Wiggy up for a visit to her Aunt 123V for a few days.

I don't mind being used.

 
At 8:46 PM, Blogger Arthur Dent said...

What's the number for PETA?

 
At 8:46 PM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

Awww you should get her serviced. Try the yellow pages, under G - Girlies for Guineas.

Hey Misty, come over to my blog so I can tickle you.

 
At 8:48 PM, Blogger jennifer_starfall said...

send her here. my dogs will eat anything.

 
At 8:58 PM, Blogger Churlita said...

It sounds like you're (ahem) bonding nicely with your pet. Isn't that illegal in the South?

 
At 9:22 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

todd,

Wiggy got it for free. Usually, I need drinks first.

michael,

I am getting to work on that children's book. I can rhyme real good if you just take a look.

123,

Should I send lube?

arthur,

Nice try. Google it yourself.

icl,

Can we not say tickle for a few more posts? Thanks.

jennifer,

Wiggy's gotta be better for them than tainted pet food.

churlita,

Pet bonding is totally legal here.

 
At 9:28 PM, Blogger Echomouse said...

LOL What scares me is that I relate to this post. Cripes, let's not even go there.

 
At 9:32 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Poor Wiggy. Don't you think you need to let her have a go at the new vibrator?

 
At 9:37 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

mouse,

You want guinea pig for dinner too?

cruiser,

The fact that Wiggy and vibrator were used in the same comment upsets me. Greatly.

 
At 9:57 PM, Blogger Jonas said...

Is it true, what they say? That once you've had G-pig, you can never go back?

 
At 10:11 PM, Blogger Burg said...

That's why I never bathe my dog. She follows me enough as it is.

 
At 10:15 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

jonas,

I have washed my offending hand 32 times. It will never go back.

burg,

Have you tried the whole, "it's not you, it's me" line?

 
At 10:23 PM, Blogger Curiosity.Killer said...

I say consider it community service time served.

 
At 10:28 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

curiosity,

I hope you are on the jury when I cook the thing.

 
At 10:37 PM, Blogger EE said...

LOL!! My husband feels the same way about our cat!

 
At 11:15 PM, Blogger Bluepaintred said...

But, I couldn't overlook the problem any longer when her food bowl (with a carrot in it) became adhered to her rear great second time tonight i have spit liquid onto my keyboard.

 
At 12:50 AM, Blogger Love Monkey said...

You have crossed a line never before crossed in blogdom.

I think.

I'm proud of you. and ever so slightly grossed out.

 
At 1:38 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

That is by far the funniest post I have ever read. I'm printing that off and taking it into work.

I used to bath my rat. She didn't like it. Maybe rats have better morals than ginea pigs?

 
At 1:52 AM, Blogger Fiona said...

There was a lot of massaging and cooing going on there mist...can your readership be sure there wasn't some level of enjoyment on your side of the soap ;)

you seriously should have a syndicated column somewhere!!!!

 
At 2:17 AM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

I know a guy that would love to hide Wiggy for you now that he's all cleaned up. He wouldn't even mind doing it. (The guy that is, not too sure how Wiggy would take it.)

 
At 2:41 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Wow, you clearly have the magic touch. Why not try bathing Hissy? A bit of jealousy between pets could rationalise the situation...

Puss

 
At 3:16 AM, Blogger EsLocura said...

I'd buy wiggy some "animal" porn and see what happens.

 
At 4:16 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

It would seem that you and Wiggy have alot to work out.

 
At 4:41 AM, Blogger Pickled Olives said...

I'd retch too if I had to massage poop butt. ick

 
At 5:33 AM, Blogger Debbie said...

I'm surprised the cat didn't try to eat the poo off of Wiggy. That's what my cat would do.

 
At 6:08 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

Just shave Wiggy.....

 
At 6:09 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

That's the first time I've ever seen the words Wiggy cooed used together in a sentence that wasn't in Hustler Forums...wait did you send this into Hustler Forums?

 
At 6:17 AM, Blogger fringes said...

Try smothering it with a pillow. That usually gets "cause of death undetermined" at the coroner's office. Not that I can verify this firsthand or anything.

 
At 6:29 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Reminds me of "Laura," a mutt my parents rescued from the shelter that is so ugly I cannot bring myself to pet her.

I am so shallow.

 
At 6:42 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

ee,

Has he pleasured the cat?

blue,


And yet, you continue to drink in front of the computer.

monkey,

I'm sorry. I am ashamed.

phishez,

I have a hard time considering the morals of any rodent.

fiona,

It was good soap.

blitz,

I don't know. Wiggy's kind of full of herself now that she's all pretty.

puss,

I don't bathe Hissy because I like my eyeballs in my sockets where they belong.

es,

If only I knew how to post video.

orhan,

She wants to cuddle now.

olives,

I could puke all over again just thinking about it.

debbie,

Hissy is a picky eater. I cook for him.

cheeky,

Can I have her waxed? I don't want it to grow back for several weeks.

furious,

I am waiting for a response from Hustler. I sent in a photo for Beaver Hunt.

fringes,

I am not getting crap on any of my pillows.

matt,

Just keep using protection.

 
At 6:46 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

I've got a snake that needs a bath, too. Got some free time?

 
At 7:08 AM, Blogger Ms. Mamma said...

Hilarious. I love your writing, even if it's about a very stimulated GP.

 
At 7:09 AM, Blogger Natalia said...

You are an animal fondler. Ewww.

-N

 
At 7:22 AM, Blogger Akelamalu said...

Oh you're bad!

 
At 7:30 AM, Blogger Edgy Mama said...

It's worth it to send Wiggy to the groomer for a pooty patch. Pay the groomer to pleasure your piggy.

My kids are in Atlanta right now. Want me to send them over to pick up Wiggy? As we know, he'd only last a few days around my cats. Although that might be somewhat traumatic for my kids. O well...

 
At 7:30 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

av,

I am a snake charmer.

ms. m,

I swear. I don't blog about bestiality every day. Sometimes, I talk about my crotch.

Thanks for coming by.

natalia,

It's not the first time.

akelamalu,

That's what she said.

 
At 7:30 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

edgy,

Please send the kids over for dinner. I'm making little tiny pork chops.

 
At 7:35 AM, Blogger Faz the Cat said...

Now that gives me an idea ...

 
At 8:03 AM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

Wouldn't it be easier to just get Wiggy a mate?

 
At 8:14 AM, Blogger PaintingChef said...

You should only feel used if she doesn't call after 3 days...

 
At 8:15 AM, Blogger Tera said...

Mist you should feel used...a "piggy hanging" sounds about right...RIGHT before the chops!!!

 
At 8:18 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Rub dryer sheets on your ankles and Hissy will leave them alone. Works for the scratching on the couch...so...

 
At 8:20 AM, Blogger booda baby said...

You were just anthropomorphizing which is a really hard word to spell/type early in the morning, so naturally, easy to ignore. Simple mistdiagnosis.

 
At 8:26 AM, Blogger Jim said...

Hissy may wear his welcome out too when he starts shedding. We have our granddaughter cat for a few months, I had forgotten all that hair!
A-bath-a-day-keeps-the-crap-away rule works here too.
I won't go into the a-rub-a-day rule.
BTW, I HAD a friend who tried to shoot up a 7-11 too. He spent time for it and never did clean up his act.
..

 
At 8:30 AM, Blogger Dagromm said...

Were you using Herbal Essence to wash your pig? It looks like the same thing happens in the commercials....minus the pig.

 
At 8:31 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

faz,

Please email Hissy and encourage him to try the guinea pig.

pissy,

And have hundreds of rodents?

chef,

She never calls.

tera,

Where am I going to find an apple small enough to stuff in her mouth?

scotts,

I happen to have two cases of dryer sheets. Does the couch thing really work?

booda,

I don't look like a rodent.

 
At 8:32 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

jim,

I like the rub-a-day rule.

dagromm,

I was using a delightful honey soap.

 
At 8:40 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

I don't doubt it.

 
At 8:43 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

av,

I am giving my horse and house midget a bath tonight. Wanna come over?

 
At 8:46 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

You are such a tease, mist!

 
At 8:48 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

miztris,

I've been called worse.

 
At 9:07 AM, Blogger SQT said...

Maybe we can work out a trade. I don't really like my cat. He's old and declawed, so it could be a good deal for you.

 
At 9:34 AM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

She can finish herself off, and I mean that in every way.

Frankly, I can't believe you washed her. I'd have just shaved her. Maybe you could have used floss to dislodge the dish?

 
At 9:36 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

sqt,

How old?

jocelyn,

I'm not using my razor on anyone else.

 
At 9:38 AM, Blogger maximo said...

this blog has everything. but i fear people think me a stalker because i'm so effusively enthusiastic about it. to prove them wrong, i shall refrain from commenting for your next two blog entries.

 
At 9:40 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

maximo,

You have such self control and willpower. It is admirable.

 
At 9:46 AM, Anonymous tom said...

Maybe you should feed wiggy beer and massage her fur more often..Kobe Pig might be very Tasty!

 
At 9:54 AM, Blogger tallulah said...

Wiggy and I have a lot in common. I coo every time someone massages my butt too.

 
At 9:57 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

tom,

Gawd, that's funny. Thanks.

tallulah,

At least she didn't say, "yeah, right there baby."

 
At 10:03 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

You know how you get over that used feeling, don't you?

Run out and find yourself another pig. Pronto. And tell yourself that this time YOU'RE in control so it's DIFFERENT.

 
At 10:06 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

britt,

No more vermin.

 
At 10:14 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

I can tolerate most animals except for Pomeranians.

I don't know why I hate them so much. I just do.

Don't replace the Wiggy with one of those turd spawns from satan's a$zhole or I will never leave a comment on your blog again.

 
At 10:38 AM, Blogger SQT said...

The cat is 11 years old. I have no idea what that is in cat years. But it's old, right?

I hope it is anyway.

 
At 10:51 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Mist1: Not in my house, but I have hope for your couch er ankles.

 
At 11:05 AM, Blogger Nance said...

All pets are like this. They take and they take and they take. And really---what do they give in return? Look inside the vacuum bag for the answer every time.

 
At 11:32 AM, Blogger Tammie Jean said...

Maybe Hissy won't smack her around anymore now that she's clean. The dirty kid always gets picked on.

 
At 11:47 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nolff,

You are the second person today to threaten me with withholding comments.

sqt,

That's really old. Maybe you should consider a cat retirement community.

scotts,

Still, I'm going to try it.

nance,

That reminds me. I should vacuum.

tammie,

We always picked on George. He smelled like pee.

 
At 12:06 PM, Blogger Oceans of Time said...

Maybe Wiggy could hook up with Hissy? There are no rules in the game of lurve!

 
At 12:27 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

oceans,

That's just unnatural. I live in the Bible Belt, they will burn us at the stake.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 12:28 PM, Blogger Library Mama said...

Are you sure Wiggy wasn't enjoying the carrot?

 
At 12:32 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

library,

I buy her the regular old-fashioned carrots. Not the baby ones that I like.

 
At 1:49 PM, Blogger Queen of the Mayhem said...

I laughed out loud at your comment on Burg's blog, so I had to come over and check you out. I see your idea of humor and mine are very similar! LOVE it!

Maybe Wiggy needs a friend? Of course, that would make for little Wiggies all over the place! Those things are worse than rabbits!

VERY FUNNY!

 
At 2:28 PM, Blogger Lee said...

People bathe guinea pigs!??

Holy crap!

 
At 2:41 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

q of m,

I am worried about you if your sense of humor is like mine. What kind of meds do you have?

Thanks for coming by.

lee,

The crap wasn't holy, it was more like cement.

 
At 3:24 PM, Blogger Princess of the Universe said...

I think Wiggy should be buying you flowers and dinner.
And I agree that Maximo is a stalker. :)

 
At 3:51 PM, Blogger Brookelina said...

This post made me feel dirty. And not in the way that I like.

 
At 3:55 PM, Blogger Stepping Over the Junk said...

I'm so glad I was eating guacamole while reading this

 
At 4:00 PM, Blogger Comedy + said...

Oh Mist - You are so sick and twisted and I just love that. I'm sorry you feel disgusted and used...

 
At 4:31 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

p of u,

I bought myself some flowers. Now I am listening to break up music.

brooke,

Imagine how I feel.

junk,

Ew. I bet that was bad.

comedy,

My sickness and twistedness (that's not a word) are parts of my charm.

 
At 4:49 PM, Anonymous C said...

Seriously, why not give Wiggy to a rescue group that handles small animals? I once rescued a sneezing dog. Of course, she didn't sneeze all the time ("dogs don't sneeze," the rescue organizer said). That was just a happy little prelude to a full-on upper respitory infection. I think a guinea pig with a crusty butt might meet its match in the long, olive-colored string of snot hanging out of a sick dog's nose. It was equally disturbing to watch her inhale the snot. On top of that, she also had an ear infection and separation anxiety. That was one anxiety disorder too many in my apartment so I returned her. I think she's better off with a mom and kids where she's a member of the pack whereas our life together would consist of her manipulating me with guilt. That's a long-winded way of saying don't feel bad about giving up the guinea pig.

 
At 6:15 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

c,

I'm going to see this one through to the bitter end. You know how people stay married for the kids? Well, we don't have kids, but still...I'm no quitter.

 
At 6:18 PM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

I'm sure you don't know this but that's my nickname. Will tell in a post. Luff you.

 
At 6:56 PM, Blogger Todd said...

Well, I pay for drinks for myself, I might as well pay for yours too. Besides, I need a bath as well!

 
At 7:11 PM, Blogger Omniscience said...

effin guinnea pigs. we had one when i was a kid. make obnoxious noises all hours of the damn night.

 
At 7:37 PM, Blogger Malnurtured Snay said...

Mmmm. Tasty.

 
At 8:27 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

maiden,

Hissy is your nickname?

todd,

Will bathe you for cocktails.

omni,

Not if you fill the cage with carrots at night.

mal,

Red or white wine?

 
At 8:57 PM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

You know, the only thing I could think of while reading your post was the movie Deliverance......

 
At 12:28 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

yeah, anything that eats its babies has gotta be morally challenged.

 
At 5:04 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

I called PETA. They said as long as you don't turn Wiggy into a dildo cozy, they're OK with whatever weirdness is going on over there.

 
At 5:39 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

legal,

I don't play the banjo.

phishez,

I ate my babies.

nwjr,

I am my own dildo cozy.

 
At 5:39 AM, Blogger K said...

poor wiggy. that's life, hun. you get left hanging and then you reach for bob.

 
At 6:32 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Damn. I didn't see your comment until today. I would've been there, too!

 
At 6:42 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

k,

I thought I heard a buzzing noise from inside her little igloo.

av,

You really Mist a good show.

 
At 8:51 AM, Blogger Stacy said...

Im disgusted by it all too. Can't wait to read tomorrow. The rodent thing, definite hurl material.

 
At 9:06 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

The ones that you want to die just keep hanging in there, don't they? It's uncanny.

 
At 9:47 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

stacy,

The next post is just as revolting. Sorry.

Thanks for coming by.

velvet,

I know. It's just like my fourth husband.

 
At 12:18 PM, Blogger mojotek said...

"About three years ago, I stopped bathing Wiggy. I pretended that I didn't notice that there was crap stuck in her fur."

Funny how easy it is to ignore crap when you know you're the on that's going to have to clean it up.

 
At 5:38 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

mo,

That's sort of my take on doing the dishes too.

 
At 11:49 PM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

Well you're clearly morally challenged then aren't you? Can't say I'm surprised.

 

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Name: Mist1
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