Pork, It's What's For Dinner
Go ahead and call PETA now.When I think about my relationship with Wiggy, the albino guinea pig who lives with me, I am always reminded of that children's song about the old woman who swallowed a fly. She swallowed a spider to catch the fly and then continued to swallow a whole bunch of other critters to get the damn fly.
It's no secret that I'm not overly fond of Wiggy. I rescued her five years ago and I have been waiting for her to die ever since. The first thing I do every morning is check my email. Then, I check to see if Wiggy is still breathing. Guinea pigs can live to be eight years old. By my calculations, Wiggy is living on borrowed time. A few months ago, when I noticed that Wiggy was still in perfect health, I got a cat.
This plan seemed flawless at the time, but it hasn't worked out the way that I had expected. Hissy seems to have no feline instincts. He lounges around the house and attacks my ankles. Once an hour, he gets up to smack Wiggy. Wiggy seems to like the attention.
The problem is that Wiggy is huge by guinea pig standards. There is no way that Hissy could eat Wiggy all at once. I knew that I should have adopted a boa constrictor or a cougar, but Hissy's spots looked so good with my shoes and my furnishings that I was instantly smitten.
About three years ago, I stopped bathing Wiggy. I pretended that I didn't notice that there was crap stuck in her fur. I was able to ignore the four pound clump of wood shavings that clung to the crap stuck in her fur. But, I couldn't overlook the problem any longer when her food bowl (with a carrot in it) became adhered to her rear. Wiggy loves carrots. She chased the carrot in the bowl stuck to her a$ around in circles. It was amusing at first. Eventually, the noise of her overgrown talons scraping the bottom of her cage and the clunking of the bowl against the sides of the cage irritated me.
Last night, I decided that it was time for Wiggy to have a bath.
I ran a few inches of warm water in the bathroom sink and slowly eased her into her bath. She squealed and shrieked. I lifted her up out of the water and examined her butt. The bowl had come free, but several years of crap were still firmly glued to her fur.
I massaged the soap onto her butt. Wiggy cooed. I massaged and Wiggy cooed. And then I got it. She was enjoying it too much. I retched and rinsed the soap from her fur. I hastily dried her fur and returned her to the cage.
As I type this, she is standing up on her hind legs, staring at me between the bars of her cage. Her red eyes are saying, "Mist, you're not gonna leave a pig hanging, are you?"
I am disgusted with myself. I feel used.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:15 AM
99 Comments:
1,
Send the pig to Imus.
Wiggy got the kind of attention most of your readers wish they could have!
Your post reminds me that I haven't seen our cat in a few days. Or has it been a few weeks?
It sounds like you and Wiggy are ripe for a great children's book. You can call it 'The Ballad of Wiggy the Unwanted Piggy' or 'The Woman Who Never Mist Her Piggy.'
Send Wiggy up for a visit to her Aunt 123V for a few days.
I don't mind being used.
What's the number for PETA?
Awww you should get her serviced. Try the yellow pages, under G - Girlies for Guineas.
Hey Misty, come over to my blog so I can tickle you.
send her here. my dogs will eat anything.
It sounds like you're (ahem) bonding nicely with your pet. Isn't that illegal in the South?
todd,
Wiggy got it for free. Usually, I need drinks first.
michael,
I am getting to work on that children's book. I can rhyme real good if you just take a look.
123,
Should I send lube?
arthur,
Nice try. Google it yourself.
icl,
Can we not say tickle for a few more posts? Thanks.
jennifer,
Wiggy's gotta be better for them than tainted pet food.
churlita,
Pet bonding is totally legal here.
LOL What scares me is that I relate to this post. Cripes, let's not even go there.
Poor Wiggy. Don't you think you need to let her have a go at the new vibrator?
mouse,
You want guinea pig for dinner too?
cruiser,
The fact that Wiggy and vibrator were used in the same comment upsets me. Greatly.
Is it true, what they say? That once you've had G-pig, you can never go back?
That's why I never bathe my dog. She follows me enough as it is.
jonas,
I have washed my offending hand 32 times. It will never go back.
burg,
Have you tried the whole, "it's not you, it's me" line?
I say consider it community service time served.
curiosity,
I hope you are on the jury when I cook the thing.
LOL!! My husband feels the same way about our cat!
But, I couldn't overlook the problem any longer when her food bowl (with a carrot in it) became adhered to her rear great second time tonight i have spit liquid onto my keyboard.
You have crossed a line never before crossed in blogdom.
I think.
I'm proud of you. and ever so slightly grossed out.
That is by far the funniest post I have ever read. I'm printing that off and taking it into work.
I used to bath my rat. She didn't like it. Maybe rats have better morals than ginea pigs?
There was a lot of massaging and cooing going on there mist...can your readership be sure there wasn't some level of enjoyment on your side of the soap ;)
you seriously should have a syndicated column somewhere!!!!
I know a guy that would love to hide Wiggy for you now that he's all cleaned up. He wouldn't even mind doing it. (The guy that is, not too sure how Wiggy would take it.)
Wow, you clearly have the magic touch. Why not try bathing Hissy? A bit of jealousy between pets could rationalise the situation...
Puss
I'd buy wiggy some "animal" porn and see what happens.
It would seem that you and Wiggy have alot to work out.
I'd retch too if I had to massage poop butt. ick
I'm surprised the cat didn't try to eat the poo off of Wiggy. That's what my cat would do.
Just shave Wiggy.....
That's the first time I've ever seen the words Wiggy cooed used together in a sentence that wasn't in Hustler Forums...wait did you send this into Hustler Forums?
Try smothering it with a pillow. That usually gets "cause of death undetermined" at the coroner's office. Not that I can verify this firsthand or anything.
Reminds me of "Laura," a mutt my parents rescued from the shelter that is so ugly I cannot bring myself to pet her.
I am so shallow.
ee,
Has he pleasured the cat?
blue,
And yet, you continue to drink in front of the computer.
monkey,
I'm sorry. I am ashamed.
phishez,
I have a hard time considering the morals of any rodent.
fiona,
It was good soap.
blitz,
I don't know. Wiggy's kind of full of herself now that she's all pretty.
puss,
I don't bathe Hissy because I like my eyeballs in my sockets where they belong.
es,
If only I knew how to post video.
orhan,
She wants to cuddle now.
olives,
I could puke all over again just thinking about it.
debbie,
Hissy is a picky eater. I cook for him.
cheeky,
Can I have her waxed? I don't want it to grow back for several weeks.
furious,
I am waiting for a response from Hustler. I sent in a photo for Beaver Hunt.
fringes,
I am not getting crap on any of my pillows.
matt,
Just keep using protection.
I've got a snake that needs a bath, too. Got some free time?
Hilarious. I love your writing, even if it's about a very stimulated GP.
Oh you're bad!
It's worth it to send Wiggy to the groomer for a pooty patch. Pay the groomer to pleasure your piggy.
My kids are in Atlanta right now. Want me to send them over to pick up Wiggy? As we know, he'd only last a few days around my cats. Although that might be somewhat traumatic for my kids. O well...
av,
I am a snake charmer.
ms. m,
I swear. I don't blog about bestiality every day. Sometimes, I talk about my crotch.
Thanks for coming by.
natalia,
It's not the first time.
akelamalu,
That's what she said.
edgy,
Please send the kids over for dinner. I'm making little tiny pork chops.
Now that gives me an idea ...
Wouldn't it be easier to just get Wiggy a mate?
You should only feel used if she doesn't call after 3 days...
Mist you should feel used...a "piggy hanging" sounds about right...RIGHT before the chops!!!
Rub dryer sheets on your ankles and Hissy will leave them alone. Works for the scratching on the couch...so...
You were just anthropomorphizing which is a really hard word to spell/type early in the morning, so naturally, easy to ignore. Simple mistdiagnosis.
Hissy may wear his welcome out too when he starts shedding. We have our granddaughter cat for a few months, I had forgotten all that hair!
A-bath-a-day-keeps-the-crap-away rule works here too.
I won't go into the a-rub-a-day rule.
BTW, I HAD a friend who tried to shoot up a 7-11 too. He spent time for it and never did clean up his act.
..
Were you using Herbal Essence to wash your pig? It looks like the same thing happens in the commercials....minus the pig.
faz,
Please email Hissy and encourage him to try the guinea pig.
pissy,
And have hundreds of rodents?
chef,
She never calls.
tera,
Where am I going to find an apple small enough to stuff in her mouth?
scotts,
I happen to have two cases of dryer sheets. Does the couch thing really work?
booda,
I don't look like a rodent.
jim,
I like the rub-a-day rule.
dagromm,
I was using a delightful honey soap.
I don't doubt it.
av,
I am giving my horse and house midget a bath tonight. Wanna come over?
You are such a tease, mist!
miztris,
I've been called worse.
Maybe we can work out a trade. I don't really like my cat. He's old and declawed, so it could be a good deal for you.
She can finish herself off, and I mean that in every way.
Frankly, I can't believe you washed her. I'd have just shaved her. Maybe you could have used floss to dislodge the dish?
sqt,
How old?
jocelyn,
I'm not using my razor on anyone else.
this blog has everything. but i fear people think me a stalker because i'm so effusively enthusiastic about it. to prove them wrong, i shall refrain from commenting for your next two blog entries.
maximo,
You have such self control and willpower. It is admirable.
Maybe you should feed wiggy beer and massage her fur more often..Kobe Pig might be very Tasty!
Wiggy and I have a lot in common. I coo every time someone massages my butt too.
tom,
Gawd, that's funny. Thanks.
tallulah,
At least she didn't say, "yeah, right there baby."
You know how you get over that used feeling, don't you?
Run out and find yourself another pig. Pronto. And tell yourself that this time YOU'RE in control so it's DIFFERENT.
I can tolerate most animals except for Pomeranians.
I don't know why I hate them so much. I just do.
Don't replace the Wiggy with one of those turd spawns from satan's a$zhole or I will never leave a comment on your blog again.
The cat is 11 years old. I have no idea what that is in cat years. But it's old, right?
I hope it is anyway.
Mist1: Not in my house, but I have hope for your couch er ankles.
All pets are like this. They take and they take and they take. And really---what do they give in return? Look inside the vacuum bag for the answer every time.
Maybe Hissy won't smack her around anymore now that she's clean. The dirty kid always gets picked on.
nolff,
You are the second person today to threaten me with withholding comments.
sqt,
That's really old. Maybe you should consider a cat retirement community.
scotts,
Still, I'm going to try it.
nance,
That reminds me. I should vacuum.
tammie,
We always picked on George. He smelled like pee.
Maybe Wiggy could hook up with Hissy? There are no rules in the game of lurve!
oceans,
That's just unnatural. I live in the Bible Belt, they will burn us at the stake.
Thanks for coming by.
Are you sure Wiggy wasn't enjoying the carrot?
library,
I buy her the regular old-fashioned carrots. Not the baby ones that I like.
I laughed out loud at your comment on Burg's blog, so I had to come over and check you out. I see your idea of humor and mine are very similar! LOVE it!
Maybe Wiggy needs a friend? Of course, that would make for little Wiggies all over the place! Those things are worse than rabbits!
VERY FUNNY!
q of m,
I am worried about you if your sense of humor is like mine. What kind of meds do you have?
Thanks for coming by.
lee,
The crap wasn't holy, it was more like cement.
I think Wiggy should be buying you flowers and dinner.
And I agree that Maximo is a stalker. :)
This post made me feel dirty. And not in the way that I like.
I'm so glad I was eating guacamole while reading this
Oh Mist - You are so sick and twisted and I just love that. I'm sorry you feel disgusted and used...
p of u,
I bought myself some flowers. Now I am listening to break up music.
brooke,
Imagine how I feel.
junk,
Ew. I bet that was bad.
comedy,
My sickness and twistedness (that's not a word) are parts of my charm.
Seriously, why not give Wiggy to a rescue group that handles small animals? I once rescued a sneezing dog. Of course, she didn't sneeze all the time ("dogs don't sneeze," the rescue organizer said). That was just a happy little prelude to a full-on upper respitory infection. I think a guinea pig with a crusty butt might meet its match in the long, olive-colored string of snot hanging out of a sick dog's nose. It was equally disturbing to watch her inhale the snot. On top of that, she also had an ear infection and separation anxiety. That was one anxiety disorder too many in my apartment so I returned her. I think she's better off with a mom and kids where she's a member of the pack whereas our life together would consist of her manipulating me with guilt. That's a long-winded way of saying don't feel bad about giving up the guinea pig.
c,
I'm going to see this one through to the bitter end. You know how people stay married for the kids? Well, we don't have kids, but still...I'm no quitter.
I'm sure you don't know this but that's my nickname. Will tell in a post. Luff you.
Well, I pay for drinks for myself, I might as well pay for yours too. Besides, I need a bath as well!
effin guinnea pigs. we had one when i was a kid. make obnoxious noises all hours of the damn night.
Mmmm. Tasty.
maiden,
Hissy is your nickname?
todd,
Will bathe you for cocktails.
omni,
Not if you fill the cage with carrots at night.
mal,
Red or white wine?
You know, the only thing I could think of while reading your post was the movie Deliverance......
yeah, anything that eats its babies has gotta be morally challenged.
I called PETA. They said as long as you don't turn Wiggy into a dildo cozy, they're OK with whatever weirdness is going on over there.
legal,
I don't play the banjo.
phishez,
I ate my babies.
nwjr,
I am my own dildo cozy.
poor wiggy. that's life, hun. you get left hanging and then you reach for bob.
Damn. I didn't see your comment until today. I would've been there, too!
k,
I thought I heard a buzzing noise from inside her little igloo.
av,
You really Mist a good show.
Im disgusted by it all too. Can't wait to read tomorrow. The rodent thing, definite hurl material.
The ones that you want to die just keep hanging in there, don't they? It's uncanny.
stacy,
The next post is just as revolting. Sorry.
Thanks for coming by.
velvet,
I know. It's just like my fourth husband.
"About three years ago, I stopped bathing Wiggy. I pretended that I didn't notice that there was crap stuck in her fur."
Funny how easy it is to ignore crap when you know you're the on that's going to have to clean it up.
mo,
That's sort of my take on doing the dishes too.
Well you're clearly morally challenged then aren't you? Can't say I'm surprised.
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