Shorts
I adore summer. I love sun dresses and short shorts. I like that I can walk into the convenience store in my bikini and buy beer and it's perfectly acceptable. Wearing a bikini is like wearing a bra and panties only you can do it in public and I think that's fabulous. Throughout the rest of the year if you try walking into a store wearing your underwear, you get odd looks and mothers cover the eyes of their children. But, from now until Labor Day, it's fine. Summer is the one time of year that I can step up my wardrobe from slightly slutty to whorish and it's perfectly acceptable.I love the snug brown shorts that UPS graciously provides to drivers for their summer uniforms. I have found myself shopping online more and more, just to have Curtis come and visit me (albeit briefly) in those shorts every day. He sprays cologne on himself before he leaves the truck and it is entirely overpowering, but I forgive him for as long as he is wearing those shorts. Curtis is always polite. I ogle him while he sets my packages down and then he tells me to have a blessed day and I feel like a heathen because I swear, I do not know what the man's face looks like. I promise myself that tomorrow will be different. I will be respectable and I will sign for my packages without doing that look where I peek through my hair at him and bite my lower lip. I promise that I will stop molesting Curtis with my eyes when the weather cools down.
Lately, I have noticed that Curtis is uncomfortable around me. He is always shifting from foot to foot. He tugs at he back of his shorts when he's standing in front of me. His eyes dart around the room. I imagine that when he leaves, he scratches himself like a bear on the trunk of a tree. Yesterday, I asked him if I made him uncomfortable. He explained that it's not me, but that the truck has no air conditioning and that he's always sweating in his tight polyester shorts. The sweat it seems, drips down his back and pools in his crack. I nodded my head in mock understanding. I gave him the look that says, Curtis stop talking, you are totally ruining tonight's fantasy. I was going to ask if he wears boxers or briefs, but I thought that might be too forward. Curtis scratched his a$$ one last time and told me to have a blessed day. I wished him the same, but in the back of my head, I was thinking about how many times a day he scratched his butt and then handed people a package.
I'm glad that Curtis is comfortable enough with me to reveal the intimate details of his shorts. He's made me think, surely he's not the only man who has problems with his a$$ crack sweating in the summer. What do other men do? Baby powder seems like a reasonable option, but I haven't noticed any men smelling like baby powder down there. I'm not saying how I would have noticed, but I'm just saying, a girl notices stuff like this. By the way guys, if I ever notice that you smell like baby powder, I'm coming up for air.
Does Tampax make panty liners for men? I'm ordering a pack of manty liners for Curtis. I'm having them shipped UPS.
Mist 1
PS: Thanks Michael for letting me be a part of your Carnival of the Mundane.
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:02 AM
99 Comments:
I'm more comfortable with my shorts past my knees. Maybe it would be different if I had to dress in all brown. What does brown do for me?
Nothing...
I have a yummy UPS man that I call Superman because he looks like Dean Cain.
My husband works in a steel mill. It gets VERY hot there. He uses baby powder.
Next time tell him it'll feel better if he gets waxed and pimps his ride with a fancy seat liner. That might give you the fantasy back. Personally the only time I've made deliveries it was by bicycle, where the sweat buildup was a few inches forward of the buttcrack. Bike shorts helped but I certainly got to know the smell of my CBS.
In Iowa, men feel free to talk about their swamp ass. I've heard them talk about Gold Bond Powder as a cure.
michael,
They make shorts that go past the knees?
steph,
Wait. Manty liners is going to make me rich.
nina,
Has he tried talc?
hedge,
I like NBC better than CBS. I'm not mad at you. At least you didn't say FOX.
churlita,
I'm afraid to know what swamp a$$ is.
heather,
I also adore hand sanitizer.
hearts,
Don't beat yourself up. People are outclassed here all the time.
Wow, our UPS guy is a little more vague about those kinds of details. Now thinking about sweaty butt crack in those snug UPS shorts is stuck in my mind and I hope that I don't make a weird face the next time I see our UPS guy.
I skip the shorts completely and wear my kilts. No sweat build-up with all that ventilation. I wear baby poweder, but it's for the ladies, not the heat...
I know crotch-butt sweat (CBS) and nuclear-biological-chemical (NBC) but I don't think I know FOX. According to these folks, it stands for Forkhead Box. I don't know what it is, but I don't want it in my pants.
A big sweaty fellow, I can say that Gold Bond Powder is a wonderful creation. It feels great on the testes as well.
If it was really bad you could put a slice of bread between your butt cheeks to absorb the sweat. Don't use Rye bread, those seeds can really get annoying.
why oh why do they always have to talk?
It's a well known fact that polyester doesn't breathe...so, even with the manty liners, it'll still lock in that swamp ass scent.
Like a little polyester dutch oven of swampiness. Mmmmm....
Mantys and a Bro and the UPS guy is set.
Mist dahling, I'm surprised you didn't order him some G-Strings. Those butt-floss(es) would've been the perfect thing to absorb those sweat of his in his crack.
I was married to a Chef and this is a common problem of theirs (not being accosted by Mist1-like creatures but the sweaty butt-crack and balls thing).
He swore by liberal applications of baking soda, even though we all know that is supposed to make things rise.
Maybe he should have been a pastry chef?
If he's talking about his sweaty crack you may as well have been married for ten years and completely skipped the whole wild sex thing.
Men are only attractive if they say nothing (except occasionally 'yes, mistress' or something similar).
I once saw a guy wearing a bikini and I was a little upset that it looked better at him than it would have on me...
I shop online all the time but I don't get cute delivery guys, even sweaty ones! I'm moving to your part of the world!
He could keep the manty liners in his manbag. How very metrosexual.
Buy him some new shorts - breathable ones, with an elasticated waist for easy removal - should help the fantasy at least.
Puss
I have never worn a panty liner, but currently I do have several tampons inserted.
I love Memorial Day Weekend! Nothing is more liberating to me than being able to wear white again. As long as I don't eat anything, sit near or on anything, and breathe to hard.
Love the manty liner idea!! omg!
Peace
velvet,
You may have to switch to FedEx.
his sin,
Smelling like a baby down there is a proven method to ruin a moment.
hedge,
You have not lived until you have had a piece of Forkhead Box.
killer,
Nothing whole grain either, I suppose.
monkey,
It's like they don't know that looking good is good enough.
lcg,
I never had an Easy Bake oven. Unrelated to the Dutch Oven, but still, somewhat relevant.
sqt,
He'd better not wear a bro.
venge,
Hold on...having a moment thinking about him in a G-string.
And, welcome back. Haven't seen you in awhile.
fiona,
I have accosted several chefs.
pie,
We've had a good thing going for months now. I stare at him and tell him where I'd like him to put stuff. "Put it there, yeah, right there." And he tells me to have a blessed day. I don't know what went wrong.
choo,
I secretly envy Baton Bob's (local drag queen) legs.
akelamalu,
You will love the area.
lizza,
I know. He ruined a good thing.
puss,
That is the only time "elasticated waist" and "fantasy" have been used in the same sentence.
fab,
Why don't I doubt that?
capt. corky,
I love it too, but I can't remember if the package store is open Monday or not. I'd better stock up now.
odat,
I have lots of good ideas. Very few people see my potential.
I want to race the truck. Ask Curtis if I can. I got liquor and wet-naps.
Oh this was just what I needed!!! Manly A$$ sweat in the morning. Mist1 you are always right on time with the morning ha ha's
That's it. I'm having everything shipped via FedEx from now on.
I've managed to keep the vomit holed up somewhere in my esophagus. Thanks, Mist.
Oh wait, those might be called pants...
You can tell a lot about a man by the way he scatches his ass/nuts. If he stops in the middle of the street, spreads his legs open and digs in: he has high self esteem. If he scratches sureptiously, with darting looks aside: he's a sweetie who was picked on in middle school. If he bites his lip and fidgets before running to the loo to dig in private: then he's a mama's boy with gender identity issues. If he does all of the above: then he's an average jow who really needs to see a doctor about those hemmorhoids.
You've got yourself a sweetie! Awesome.
I don't know what it is about UPS. In our office we get several deliveries a day- FedEx, Purolator and UPS, and no matter who's doing the delivery, the UPS guy is always hot and the others just...aren't.
I gotta third the gold bond.
Day two at the dropzone, and a little gold bond in the shorts is the best thing ever.
Too funny. I don't have nearly the fantasies you do about my UPS guy. Now if it was a girl in a UPS brown bikini...THAT'D be something to scratch my a$$ about.
Here from the Carnival by the way.
I think you should buy him a ball sack mister, he could fill it with perfumed waters and keep his package nicely cooled and fresh smelling.
nike and underarmor make sweat-wicking apparel. i tend to wear those. other times, i just find the nearest butt-fetishist to lick it off.
I've found that if you skip the underwear and make sure your shorts are loose enough, the sweat just flows on through and makes your legs glisten. It's like having built in moisturizer.
ctw,
"I got liquor and wet-naps" isn't the best pick-up line that I have never used.
wng,
Nothing like a little sweaty crack in the morning.
nwjr,
FedEx shorts suck.
tammy,
It's the Mist 1 diet plan.
michael,
What are pants?
rachel,
I never knew this was so complex.
p of u,
It's one of my favorite unexplained mysteries in the world.
gyuss,
I just had no idea that men really baby powdered their nuts.
karl,
UPS women are never as hot in the shorts as the UPS men are.
Thanks for coming by.
furious,
Is that a real product? Because, if it's not, I'm going to market it.
maximo,
How can you tell who's a butt-fetishist?
blitz,
No wonder your legs always look so fabulous.
Oh yeah, I forgot about you and pants. They're what the other people are wearing.
Diaper ointment may also help with some of the irritation. :)-
I appreciate Curtis' honestey...think more men have this "swamp ass" than they're willing to admit! There's nothing worse than being in random public places and a passer by fills the air with an aroma of left-over shit curds and hot dog water!!!! Ugh!
OMG I'm wearing shorts today
How did you know?
a 'douche station' should be installed on all trucks for their crack staff. Drivers have to sqwat anywho when looking through packages in the truck.
I get half royalties for the use of the term "manty liner".
Long long ago, when I worked at an office, every afternoon, at aproximately 2:34, the accountant would wobble off to the bathroom with newspaper tucked under his arm. When he returned, there was always a white puff on the back of his dark dress slacks and he smelled baby fresh. It was more than I could bear.
My buddy Ray is a UPS guy. He'll "crack up" reading this.
When the UPS man comes in to drop off his package I'll make sure to ask if his crack is sweaty. Follow up on this subject should be expected.
I have found that the mix of my cologne and baby powder smell confuses women who can hear their biological clock ticking. It has been terribly effective for me over the years...
I get this. I do the same thing. I think they hire guys that have that certain look that make us women drool. Works for me.
What a turn off with all the sweat and the butt crack thing. I just don't want to think about this when I'm ogling.
Let us know how the manty liners go over... Another wonderful Mist story. Have a great Memorial Day weekend.
Can I just say that visiting your page daily gives me a great boost. I love the crazy shit you say. Thank you!
As for the UPS guys and their polyester shorts... poor guys. I can't imagine how chafed they have to be by the end of summer. Polyester, sweat... isn't that the ingredients of a yeast infection?
I used to date a UPS driver...
ahhhhhh. Thanks for the memories.
My UPS driver is a petite little lady. We have kind of a similar thing going.
so basically you can't stop staring at his 'package'? ;)
It seems sort of a waste of cyber space to just write: laugh laugh laugh, so I added the part where it's sort of a waste of cyber space.
Manty liners...that's brilliant!
I experienced booty sweat...at a gym where it is common, but i just can't seem to get past that point..weird things pop into my head...total turn off..
Maybe they can use the pantyliners for thongs it seems they would be a perfect fit. lol
Maybe they can use the pantyliners for thongs it seems they would be a perfect fit. lol
michael,
I don't know. Pants don't sound like fun to me.
yvonne,
Any man who uses baby toiletries is going to have a hard time explaining it to me.
tera,
I can't believe you just wrote sh*t curds. I'm dying.
nolff,
I have eyes everywhere.
me the...,
I went to the douche station the other day. I can't believe the price per gallon. I'm going to look for alternative douche sources.
av,
You can test the product.
lee,
Did he have a travel sized bottle tucked inside the newspaper?
wreck,
Tell Ray that I like his shorts.
susan,
The way you say, "drop off his package" makes me think that you already know if his crack is sweaty.
his sin,
The last time I got personal with a man who smelled like baby powder, I almost overdosed on my birth control pill.
comedy,
The US Postal Service would not be losing business if they would hire attractive guys like UPS does.
trying,
Eewwww. All I can see in my head is little cottage cheese curds in his crack. Thanks.
tug,
You lucky...
matt,
Is her a$$ sweaty?
miztris,
He should have slapped me by now.
booda,
Much of what I write is a waste of cyber space.
claudia,
I have a significant headache from thinking about my brilliance today. Or, it could be the sake.
mis u,
I was thinking that they should be wedge shaped.
I don't sweat. But can I have my face on the box? I can give a big smile and a thumbs up with the best of them.
av,
I couldn't think of a better model. Do you bring your own crew of hairstylists to the photo shoot?
I tried not to analyze.
adultfriendfinder.
1,
We have a female UPS driver. I'll have to check her a$$ out. I'll get back to you.
You could also use manpon to market your new product. Brings a whole new level of distinction to it.
The Prince goes through AHLOT of baby powder, if you smack him on the ass there will be a white cloud after. Funny.
"You may have to switch to FedEx."
I could never break up with my UPS guy! The Fed-Ex guy doesn't even ring the doorbell and it's over before I even know that he was here. At least the UPS guy calls me by name and will put it right in my hand.
Now I understand why they make the shorts brown. So the streaks don't show.
I don't know about manty liners, but I had occasion several years ago to find out that always, long, with wings work pretty good. (until surgery fixed the problem, that is).
Of course I have an entourage. Would you expect any less?
When, oh when, did this whole "have a blessed day" thing get started. It's a lot of pressure. I'm not entirely sure how to follow through with that admonition. It's hard enough to have a nice one.
I don't even know what my Ups guy looks like.
Manty liners? Awesome!
On an unrelated note, I went here
http://randomness-thinkaboutit.blogspot.com/
after following a link from somewhere else. I noticed she links to you, and I clicked on your link, but it was a dead end--she has you mistyped as mustgethubby. I thought that was funny.
But maybe that's because I'm drunk.
:::::if I ever notice that you smell like baby powder, I'm coming up for air.::::
Now THAT is a mistism if ever I heard one.
BD
I'm laughing so hard that I don't even know what to say.
ass crack sweat....so hot!
lee,
I try to over analyze.
maximo,
That's more than a friend.
0,
Look. Do not touch without permission.
briana,
The manpon would have a rugged applicator.
scotts,
Gawd, that makes me laugh.
velvet,
You were paid by UPS for that comment. Admit it.
diesel,
Genius.
bob,
I think I need more information.
av,
You are so high maintenance.
nance,
You don't have to have a blessed day on the day that they tell you to have one. You can save it up and just have a blessed week every now and then.
silver,
You are missing out.
dawn,
Awesome and absorbent.
karla,
I have thought of renaming this place Must Get Hubby or Mist Get Hubby or Must Get Chubby...
bd,
I can't help it. It turns me off.
elaine,
You will never ship a package the same way again.
Somewhere there's a UPS site talking about how to deal with flirtatious women, and this sounds like a damn good way.
Curtis certainly killed the magic. And I'll always wear rubber gloves when I accept a parcel from them in future.
grunt,
I can probably forgive Curtis.
Well as long as they aren't Jorts (jean shorts). I recently had to explain to a friend of mine that jean shorts went out with The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and he should stick to cargo shorts or even board shorts (since we live at the beach) and like you said, rules change in the summer!
He ought to wear cottom briefs so not to sweat.
Manty liners sound awesome, lol.
I used to use baby powder, now I use Manty Powder!
I have a friend who works for UPS. I like his shorts a lot LOL
could you not invite him in to freshen up?
I hate ruined fantasies,
Hi Misty -- Well, we are back. Early too, due to some tough l**k. You can read what I blogged about it.
Gee, you can walk into my store in just your bra and panties any day of the year, I won't mind at all. I'll even forego the no shoes, no service policy too!
BTW, come peek at my blog, I'm wearing my sexy shorts today! Of course one leg is partly covered with an ice pack?
..
I'll never be able to look at a UPS man the same way again.....
Any man that tells you to have a blessed day and tells you that sweat is pooling in his crack is married.
Just thought you'd like to know.
Mist-
I am disappointed...you should have offered the sex god a bath...however if it is only his ass you like well - still a shower..... what...?
Also I see no problem with the application of talcum powder to the nether regions so as to aid in comfort. You do not need to smell like baby powder however - Marks&Spencers has a great range of other scents....as does Crabtree&Evelyn
Back to packing i go...
Maybe men just rub the air freshener from their "rear view" mirrors in their cracks. I'm not sure smelling of "new car" is desirable, though.
Good job "signing for packages." You could do that for a living.
blonde,
Were the jorts acid washed?
cazzie,
I wish I had thought to counsel him about cotton briefs.
uncivil,
I suppose you wear manties as well.
cg,
I have got to know the designer.
honey,
An invitation to freshen up does not sound sexy to me. What should I say? "Please, help yourself to a baby wipe."
jim,
Ice packs are the perfect accessory for a good pair of shorts.
pissy,
Is that good or bad?
liz,
I will back down. Thanks for the heads up.
nofear,
I am alarmed at your vast knowledge of butt powder.
jocelyn,
I'm not very good at signing the electronic thing for packages. It never comes out right.
I can't stop laughing! Mantyliners!
Absolutely brilliant!
attila,
They will be available in a variety of fragrances as well as fragrance-free for those with sensitive skin.
I saw a commercial for Man-Pads from the makers of depends...the commercial shows a bunch of leather clad bikers laughing and joking apparently very happy that they haven't leaked in their pants...I guess you could put one in your ass crack too....Personally I don't sweat, snore or have any annoying idiosyncrasies...
tom,
I have more than my fair share of annoying idiosyncrasies. I'm picking up your slack.
Ah, swamp ass. I know it well from living in TX w/ 80% humidity all the time. Also sweat under your boobs, yeuurrrgh.
Why not order poor Curtis a lifetime supply of these? Or would that be too forward?
100!
pisser,
They should have thought of a better name for the product.
brooke,
101 Dalmatians.
Wearing a bikini is like wearing a bra and panties only you can do it in public and I think that's fabulous.
get out of my head, already, lol.
k,
I can't help it if sometimes, we don't make any sense at all.
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