To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Friday, September 29, 2006

Dying at Home


I have seasonal hair. It has been every color. Anything red is usually good. Even blonde was okay (will never bleach eyebrows again). My least favorite was the burgundy and pewter catastrophe circa 2001.

Porter, who used to do my hair, eloped with his lover a few months ago. They now live in Alabama. I know that I should hope that they are happy together, but a little part of me hopes that they break up so that Porter will move back here and do my hair again. I suppose, I could move to Alabama, but I really enjoy the convenience of electricity. I give them a year. He'll be back. Until then, I am doing it at home. I can't trust these curls to just anyone.

I bought a box of multi-faceted hair color. The directions recommended clean, dry hair. My hair was a little damp. I dried it upside down for a few minutes. When I stood up, my once bouncy curls stood out two feet from my head in every direction. I snarled like a model in the mirror. "Fierce," I could hear Tyra saying in my head.

This was going to be more than I could handle. I looked around for my phone. Due to my restricted peripheral vision I bumped into several walls and the bookshelf before finding it. Unable to get the phone directly to my ear through all my hair, I sent a text message for help.

Mist: 2ft afro. plz help. bring wine.

G: color?

Mist: deepest mocha praline

G: red or white idiot

Mist: red. hurry.

It was over in a few hours. In the morning, I found bleach in the freezer, the bathroom looked like we chopped up a body, and my hair...nothing a yarmulke can't hide.

I may be moving to Alabama after all.

Mist 1


73 Comments:

At 9:25 PM, Blogger Matt said...

Oh, Jesus. I've been thinking about Brush Out the Grey, Just For Men.

It's just a few but it bothers me.

 
At 9:42 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

I recommend a product called Pluck Out The Grey. All you need are tweezers and good natural lighting. I do it in the car. Red lights and stop signs only. I swear.

 
At 12:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I used to get redish highlites put into my black hair in university. At the time it was cool, the photo's say otherwise.

So I started to get it dyed professionaly and it looked cool the only thing is I can't really afford to carry on so the question is, do I grow it out or do I attempt to do it myself know what the previous results were?

If the guy is that good I'm moving to alabama!

 
At 1:03 AM, Blogger The Naked Nerd said...

LOL You gals and your hair! Mrs. Nerd also does her own color at home. She seems to change the tone every couple of weeks. If I don't notice. God forbid if I don't notice. Yes she can make life hard for yours truly. My daughter is just like you Mist. She will only let HER hairdresser touch her hair. At one point in her life she was a natrural blond. Now I don't know if there are any colors left that she hasn't had. I guess that's why she's started going with the 2 tones. :P

 
At 1:33 AM, Blogger spoon said...

LOL! Sounds like you have woolly mammoth hair like moi!

 
At 1:50 AM, Blogger Steph said...

Home dying can be perilous. I've had too many disasters to do it by myself anymore.
Props to you!

 
At 3:36 AM, Anonymous odat said...

Oh I feel your pain....If my "Dallas" (The One Who Does My Color)...moves....I'm following!!!!
Peace....

 
At 3:46 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

Sweet jesus Mist! I had to quit trying to go red a few years ago... the color rinsed out (first wash) to reveal a rusty pumpkin color, two days before Halloween. If I had to answer the question "Wow, did you do that for Halloween?" one more time, someone was going to die.

Now I have to deal with trying a new hairdresser ever 3-4 months, which at best gives me 2 cuts/colors with any given stylist. Right there is reason enough to consider settling in one city!

 
At 4:48 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

This post is useless without pictures.

 
At 5:12 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

shadow,

Porter is incredible. Wanna share a double wide with me?

nerd,

You don't notice?! Here's free advice...always notice.

spoon,

Bouncy, springy woolly mammoth hair.

steph,

I think this qualifies as a disaster.

Thanks for coming by.

odat,

Porter and I have an arrangement should I have an untimely death. No one but he is to do my hair for my funeral.

wg,

You may have to do what my mom does. She comes for a visit every time she needs a cut. She's that loyal.

av,

I seriously considered pictures, but I try to remain incognegro.

 
At 5:15 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

I can empathise. My hairdresser eloped to Argentina with her Spanish lover. I have never forgiven her for such selfish behaviour and had my hair cut short and dyed magenta in protest.

She hasn't come back yet, but my hair is now so knackered, it falls out in clumps, thus negating the need for a coiffeuse...

GP

 
At 5:18 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

I don't picture you with hair falling out in clumps. It's time you go to Argentina and restore hair health.

I browsed the cheap wine section last night and came across a bottle of Glamour Puss. Couldn't resist. Will be drinking you this weekend.

 
At 5:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aside from being the brunt of a few bald jokes, I dont have hair color issues either. Have you tried bald yet?

It's worked for me for several years now.

Later Yall.....

 
At 5:42 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

melon,

I have tried straight, mullet, bob, afro...but never bald. Based on my aunt's current look, I'm pretty sure it's only a matter of time.

 
At 6:05 AM, Blogger LoRi~fLoWer said...

I wouldn't think of Alabama as being a very "friendly" state, if you know what I mean. Porter will be back.

My stylist Angel kept having babies, after the twins she never came back. I'm in mourning.

 
At 6:06 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

They named a wine after me?! LOL, that is so funny...er, or tragic, cos it implies I am such a dipso.

What colour am I? Has to be pink and sparkling, or maybe bile yellow and acidic for those claw-exposing moments. Am likely to be 'easy' drinking either way...

Will expect full report on Monday. Unless you are 'indisposed' by weekend of heavy drinking.

 
At 6:35 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

Let me adopt you. You are like the sister I always wanted. BTW, I do it myself for $4.00 Colorsilk. So what if my roots are orange. I like looking like Garfield. Have a great drunken weekend, hugs from NY.

 
At 6:49 AM, Anonymous Alison said...

See, I was going to leave a hilarious comment about deciding I was too incompetent to dye my hair at home anymore (and now I've found LaShawna, and I don't care if I have to pay her 90 bucks to make me look good), BUT you killed me with your "incognegro" comment. So now I have nothing to say except that you owe me some Windex.

 
At 7:08 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

lori,

They are an interracial couple to boot. Of all the 52 states, they had to choose Alabama.

puss,

You are red, of course. The bottle has a very sophisticated long haired cat sipping a glass of wine. Will try to remember the weekend for as long as I can.

maiden,

Last week I had a dream that I was living in a foster home. As an adult. I think it's a sign.

alison,

Happy to send Windex. I bought two bottles of the blue stuff some time ago. Haven't touched 'em. Now it comes in a variety of scents/flavors and I feel stuck with the original.

 
At 7:37 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Interesting, we have similar things in the UK - Old Tart Chardonnay, Old Fart claret and 'Cat's Pee on a Gooseberry Bush' sauvignon blanc. Personally, I suspect it's just a cheap marketing trick to get people to buy crap wine they would otherwise use to strip varnish with.

Proceed with caution and drink at your own risk, Mist. But I am touched by the sentiment.

GP :-)

 
At 7:39 AM, Blogger karma lennon said...

Hey, we have electricity in Alabama! Most of it anyway..

 
At 8:08 AM, Blogger jali said...

Photos would be nice...

 
At 8:09 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

I've attempted to change the colour of my hair a few times and it totally turns the opposite of what I want.

Curse thick dark hair.

 
At 8:34 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

I can't believe you're not posting pictures. Pfft.

 
At 8:49 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Mist - Electricty is overrated...MOVE DAMNIT!!...when it comes to a good hairdresser there is NEVER too great of a sacrifice!!!

I agree - pictures and diagrams would have gone nicely with this post. Have a great weekend Mist!

 
At 9:23 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

The last time I colored my hair, I went to a guy named Botticelli because how could I go wrong? My "subtle highlights" were garish orange.

"That's not what I wanted," I said.

He offered to re-do it. This time it turned out a darker garish orange. He begged for One More Chance. I had no choice.

He dyed it black. I looked like Vampira. When I got home, my neighbor said, "Halloween already?"

Hats. Hats are your friends. I swear by hats. Mine are all bigger than yarmulkes, though. And yes, wine helps.

 
At 9:32 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

There is a direct correlation t the cuteness of the bottle and the potential for a hangover. But I could not help myself.

karma,

What about my teeth, can I bring them along too?

jali,

Say it with me: anomynity.

orhan,

I usually just wax the thick, dark hair.

britt,

Clearly, all this writing I do about my irresistable cuteness has really gotten to you.

meg,

I can't let Porter see me like this. I will have to shave my head before I move.

What is it with you people and photos?

 
At 9:34 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

It's really just the top of my head that's the problem. Plus, my hair is much to large for most hats. I need something I can secure in place with a bobby pin.

 
At 10:13 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Well, how tall are you? The top of MY head could be a problem because I'm 5'1", while my husband is 6'4" so nobody really has a clue what's going on up there. (In more ways than one.)

So I hope you're terminally tall, at least until it grows out. If not, get a yarmulke with a pinwheel on it as a distraction.

 
At 10:30 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

5'4"

Can I hang out with you until this grows out?

 
At 11:08 AM, Anonymous Alison said...

Mist,

I am 5'4", too. Wow.

 
At 11:09 AM, Blogger Kris said...

*sigh* thinking about my gay eyebrow man who moved to Tampa and my gay nail guy who's new bf wanted him to be a stay-at-home.
*sigh*


Smooches!

 
At 11:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just wear wigs. I have given up on my hair. I look so much better in a blonde mullet anyway.

 
At 11:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just wear wigs. I have given up on my hair. I look so much better in a blonde mullet anyway.

 
At 2:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am ashamed to admit that I color my hair...

*checks to see if penis is still in place* ;)

Steve~

 
At 2:49 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

alison,

OMG, we could be twins!

kris,

They don't understand how much we depend on them. I'm not loyal to my eyebrow person. Sometimes, I see someone else. Shhhh.

Thanks for coming by.

dallas,

You are a sexy b*tch.

steven,

You color down there?!

 
At 4:00 PM, Blogger desiree said...

bwa naaaaaaa

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to "out" you over at my blog. Mostly the titles are just for fun (except seriously Lindsay Lohan, I have two words: Victoria's secret, for the love of all that is holy) So yay now we can totally compare notes on the, um, three places I saw. Awesome.

Would some highlights perhaps help your hair? I hear they cover up stuff and make things, um, highlighted.

 
At 11:10 PM, Anonymous noob said...

i just wanna say .. ur halirious! ahahah

 
At 11:48 PM, Anonymous LOLOLOL said...

OMFG YOURE A HOBAG HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

LOLOLOLOL

GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU FUCKIN TWATT

 
At 6:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I'm almost 5'4", more like 5'7" to 5'10" depending on humidity and barometric pressure. Does that mean we're triplets and a quarter?

 
At 8:28 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

Deepest mocha praline sounds so yummy! You shouda went with dirty dry hair and you wouda bin alright.

What am I saying? I just recently had my hair coloured by my new stylist. After months of cuts only and me doing my own dye jobs I felt she was ready to try my colour. Awesome - she did a way better job than me. Why did I wait so long? Oh ya - it's the difference between $7.99 for a box of one colour versus $100 for a colour and highlights. But I am so worth it!

 
At 8:31 AM, Anonymous kristynmarie said...

I used to dye my own hair. I even let a friend dye it once. It didn't come out too bad, considering my hair is so thick we should have used two boxes, and we only had one. So we ran out, got another one. I dyed my hair twice in two days. Or should I says I fryed my hair twice in two days.

Since then, I don't dye anymore. No matter how much I liked the red, I just can't do it. :P

Kristyn

 
At 3:13 PM, Blogger Matt said...

Mist1,

That pluck out the grey product is pretty funny, but I'm reminded of this beautiful 40-ish blonde woman I once met in a continuing ed. class.

Earlier, I had stared at the back of her head, noticing that grey hairs were giving the blonde a nice new color--and her hair went all of the way down her back!

So we're all discussing aging and she mentions that she doesn't put up w/ grey hair: she plucks them as soon as she sees them.

I thought about all of the grey on the BACK of her head. Kept quiet.

 
At 3:42 PM, Blogger Darlene said...

I, like you, have had every color hair under the sun - My favorite was platinum, though, which I finally had to give up about 6-7 months ago...I have a natural jehri curl & I'm always using a flat iron, and my hair breaking off at the skull made me realize that I had to give in to my natural color for a few years to give my head a break - I'm a red head. And, kudos for trying to color your own hair - Even managing a hair salon for years, I would never attempt it - some things should be left to the professionals...you are a brave, brave woman.

 
At 4:06 PM, Blogger C said...

Shit. Well I do my own hair too and if it does not look good - oh well - no one's ever had the heart to tell me so.

 
At 5:24 PM, Blogger Thebodytalk said...

It's really hard to find a hair stylist who's really willing to listen to you and do your hair exactly as you want. My hair dresser moved to other state and I am being miserable now.

 
At 5:26 PM, Blogger Nihilistic said...

Why is everyone talking about hair today? FINE...I'm bald ok! I shave it off because it left me!! STOP TORTURING ME!

 
At 6:15 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

desiree,

No harm done. I've been called worse.

The highlights are the problem.

noob,

Thanks for noticing. And thanks for coming by.

lololol,

Get therapy.

Thanks for coming by.

0,

I've read that you are actually at your tallest in the morning. Altough humidity does tend to make me taller as well. I hope we're not related. We've had some pretty smutty exchanges.

icl,

Why am I not worth it? I'm blaming Mom and Dad for this one.

kristyn,

I had a friend that needed two boxes of dye. After doing her hair once, I decided that we weren't really good friends.

matt,

I would have volunteered to help her. I'm really good with tweezers.

darlene,

My flat iron cowers in fear in the back of the closet.

c,

You gotta have people in your life who will tell you that under no circumstances should you leave the house.

body,

I've never had anyone do my hair exactly as I want. I just need to be able to control it when I get home.

nihilistic,

Oh that's so cute, you think it's all about you. I'm the narcissist here, okay?

 
At 8:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1,
Trust me, if they basted me in butter, rolled me in rice krispys, and then dipped me in chocolate, they still wouldn't think we were triplets. Stand back, you have not yet seen my steam pipe junction under full battle conditions.

 
At 9:05 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I do look much like the description you just gave. Down to the Rice Krispys.

 
At 10:45 PM, Blogger C. said...

I had to dump a hairdresser once because he wanted me to color my hair..add "low lights and highlights" (which to me translated to high maintenance... and he said it was to "brighten up the mousiness..." That man had the nerve to call my hair mousy just because I didn't want him to color it!! ARGH!

 
At 4:56 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

c,

Mousy? Heads would roll.

 
At 7:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
true enough about the buttery coating, but there was never an issue when it came to the chocolate because you were so sweet in that uber-sweet marshmellow coating that drove me out of my mind. Damn you're good girl. Visions of insulin dance in my head, Whoopie.

 
At 7:59 AM, Blogger C. said...

yes!!

 
At 9:48 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Fabio and I were rolling around one night, he said "I can't believe you're so buttery."

c,

Tell me the salon, I will write a scathing review.

 
At 10:06 AM, Blogger Nattie said...

Bahhhhh....can't be that bad :)

I went from my natural dark brown to bleached blond...blonds don't have more fun.....especially not when your eyebrows look like black caterpillars...I wish I'd taken a picture...it would have cheared you up from past/present/future hairtastrophies. Nothing makes a person smile more than a french 80's Madonna wannabe in rural Eastern Canada.

*for the record, my grandmother thought it looked nice. She even wanted to lend me some of her blue eyeshadow. How sweet.

 
At 10:19 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nattie,

When my eyebrows grew back in they looked all salt & peppery. Made me feel like my grandpa.

 
At 10:28 AM, Blogger anastasia said...

You know, I've seen some really cute wigs!!! I've had my own share of bad hair colors, it's no picnic!

 
At 10:36 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

anastasia,

I love wigs. I happen to own one. I keep it in the trunk of my car.

 
At 8:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I can't compete with Fabio. I will roast almonds, but I won't crush nuts. Ihave standards too.

 
At 10:01 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Leave the nut crushing to me. I minored in it in college.

You will have to tell me about your experience with Spaniards. I almost had one once, but we were young and he was gay and it didn't work out.

 
At 11:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I was sailing through the Straights of Magellan and this beautifull Spanish girl with flashing eyes and dark hair almost ran me over on the autoban. She was in a Ferrari and I was driving a 1964 Renault. WE later met up in a little bar in Piscataway, N.J. where she had her way with me all night. It was pretty good for me too, although she was also gay. Luckily, I'm pretty flexible. You know, like eating broccoli and cauliflower when lightly steamed.

 
At 11:08 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Now I know you are making this up. A lesbian in a place called the Straights of Magellan?

I am from the Straights of Flagellum, there's no lesbians there either.

 
At 1:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Home hair dying just naturally lends itself to a disaster story.

I let a friend highlight my hair once (OK, I coaxed her into it) and ended up looking like a skunk.

Lesson learned.

 
At 5:23 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

mercy's,

I think I'd like the skunk look. That skunk in Bambi was so cute.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 11:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Surprise!

 
At 11:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK< that gives a little space.

The Spaniard was an imported job. She actually came from a Curves in New Jersey and was flown via an F-16 to the Straights of Hormuz and then transferred to a tramp freighter and trained for service in the Straights of Magellan. I'm sure you'll see the problem right away.

 
At 5:24 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Curves? I really wish I had something clever for this.

You have won. Please tell me where to send the championship belt.

 
At 9:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Unless you want me to stop, in which case you should say, STOP, this has gotten out of hand. or I have grown tired of this, then, I'll take a different tack.

If the Spaiard had come from the Straits of Flagellum, they would have beaten the lesbian streak out of her!

better?

There's three options. Take your time

 
At 5:12 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Your stamina amazes me.

 
At 7:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
It's pure damn hero worship on my part. You should also know I am lousy at picking up hunts, subtlety isn't my strength. With that, I'll let it go. You shouldn't post this.

 
At 7:48 AM, Anonymous rose said...

You didn't use that one where you colour it first and then put highlights iin did you? They are A NIGHTMARE!

 
At 8:04 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

rose,

How did you know?

 

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Name: Mist1
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