I'm a Lumberjack
Yesterday, I had a taste for sangria. I went to J's house expecting my usual fix of fruit bobbing in wine. J had other plans.When I got there, I knew something was amiss. Instead of my usual welcoming glass of fruity goodness, I found a pair of yellow work gloves (size small), a chainsaw (one size fits all), and a six foot length of rope.
"This tree is taking over everything," J said.
"Oh G*d no! Not the sangria!"
J looked at me sharply and handed me the yellow gloves. I watched as the rope was tied to a tree branch. "J, I'm thirsty. Really, really thirsty." I was ignored. My throat made a dry, rasping noise. "I need to check my email. I've left the blog unattended." Ignored again. I was beginning to feel desparate.
I found myself in the yard, standing directly under the tree branch holding the end of a rope. J started the chainsaw. "Let's think about this," I whined. J looked up, considered the shortness of the rope, and put down the chainsaw.
"We need sangria to do this job right." Finally, J was being reasonable. I breathed a sigh of relief and let go of the rope which dangled two feet above my head.
I waited (paced like a tiger in the zoo) on the porch for the sangria. J reappeared with glasses in hand. We drank and thought in silence. Looking thoughtful, J said, "you're going to need to pull the rope so that the branch doesn't hit my damn roof."
"What about my head?" I asked. J assured me that I looked fine. Satisfied with the answer, I retreated for the yard, wearing yellow gloves and flip flops (not a good look for me and yet strangely comfortable). I held the rope in my right hand and my sangria in the left. J cursed upon realizing that it is impossible to hold a glass and a chainsaw at the same time.
J cut. I pulled. J cut. I drank. J cut. I pulled. Finally, the branch came down. Directly on the roof.
J cursed about the roof. I complained about my excessive thirst. "Go home and put this on your resume," J snapped.
I took a batch of sangria home. Tomorrow I'll get on the roof. Provided there's sangria.
Also, I'd like to use the chainsaw.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:33 AM
72 Comments:
Well at least you can put this on your resume and not on your obituary. I think tree work is rather dangerous but add sangria and damn it can be a good time.
c,
Sangria makes many situations more enjoyable.
whoa. chainsaws and alcohol. How inviting.
It's better to hire someone to do the work and sip sangria on the porch while you watch him work.
There's nothing like mixing alcohol and using power tools - I don't know about you, but I pretty much feel invinceable. Good luck with fixing the roof, tho - just remember to tie a rope around your waist & attach it to the chimney or something...I learned the hard way - alcohol does not make you fly & does not make landing any easier.
How did J miss the memo documenting that you are a Princess and therefore excluded from all forms of manual labor (with or without sangria)???
Heck...there are copies of that thing floating around up here in Chicago, surely they made the rounds down by you....
You were soooooooo close. Add three parts bourbon, a leaf of mint, and a dash of sugar and you got it. Stick with the rope if you can. Chain saws use metal, and they can really crap up a good drink.
Chainsaws make all occasions sexy. Or muderous. But I prefer sexy.
Now was this sangria one of those "boxed" ones? Cause if it was you are supposed to take the bag out of the box, slap the bag then put the spout in your mouth and drink..slap..drink..slap..drink
As for the chainsaw - just hire someone and drink while watching them do it
I love drinking and operating dangerous machinery. It so cliche..so rebellious in nature. How needs those warning labels on the bottles! Not me! I want to be Free. I want to LIVE. LIVVVVVVVVVE!!!
What time is the work going to start? I'll be right over.
*sings* I'm a lumberjack and i'm ok.... Just like my dear PaPa!
*looks around for recognition to the Monty Python reference*
stilt,
Of course you are invited. Sorry, I thought that was clear.
mindless,
Chainsaws have spark plugs? What the hell is a spark plug?
av,
But then where I get that sense of accomplishment from?
darlene,
I will remember your advice for as long as I can.
mr. g,
Chicago is sounding better and better. I just hope all that wind doesn't blow my tiara off my head.
o,
I can't follow a recipe, surely you know that by now.
orhan,
Murderous is sexy, don't you think?
cheeky,
J and I are classy. We pour it out of the box and into a plastic pitcher. The we add fresh fruit.
dallas,
What warning labels? Oh like the birth defect thing? Yeah, well...hairlips are sexy.
alison,
J gets out of bed at about 2pm, so no need to get up early. Wear something cute (read: no flannel).
mayren,
I was singing that the entire time I was typing.
Mounties: He sleeps all night and he works all day.
I'd like to watch you use the chainsaw.
Could you tape it?
I'd pay. ;)
Steve~
steven,
I am sadly tech-retarded. I don't know how to post video. Sadly, I am J's tech-tutor. That webcam is totally going to waste.
Note to self:
When Mist comes to Iowa in order to help me avoid inappropriate situations, do not allow her to "help out around the house". Or hold a chainsaw. Or a rope.
britt,
I am so gonna love Iowa.
You may want to consider excusing me from using the microwave as well. I can have mishaps. But I'm really good with a blender. Promise.
What's sangria? I feel out of the loop.
Sara
cmo,
Think wine punch. I know that doesn't sound good, but really...trust me.
Hey y'all, watch THIS!!!!
Why do chainsaws and alcohol seem like a bad combination to me?
Why do chainsaws and alcohol seem like a bad combination to me?
Mist, does J. not understand the law of gravity? Branch will only fall harder onto roof if pulled...
Was the plan to damage roof, make insurance claim and use cash for tasting trip to Spain, home of sangria, for you both?
If yes - cool friend. If no - you may want to revise list of pals to include only those with understanding of the laws of gravity...
GP
I had Sangria once at a party. It gave me a hellu hangover.
dude, you're going to Iowa
I heart Iowa
The thought of you, without or without alcohol, operating machinary makes me glad we don't live in the same state.
Having said that, I heart sangria.
I never drink when I use rope and chains....I like to remember the experience.
Peace
hearts,
Were you there? Perhaps you heard what J yelled next, which was: "I'm okay!"
cheet,
Hindsight is Maddog 20/20.
Thankks for coming by.
puss,
If I pulled at just the right angle, the branch was supposed to land perfectly in the yard. I think this has to do with thermodynamics or something. Also, my feet were not supposed to lift off the ground and my sangria was not supposed to spill.
I like the way that you think. Will approach J with your idea.
nolff,
Considering that sangria combines wine and liquor, I am not shocked. Eating the fruit from the bottom is the key. I think.
ceo,
OMG I have nothing to wear in Iowa!
lori,
We'll see if J let's me use the chainsaw tomorrow.
I heart powertools.
odat,
What about paddles and aligator clips? Do you drink then?
jali,
Blogger will not let me post your comment. Perhaps you have not made your weekly sacrifice to the Blogger gods.
I’m just catching up on all your posts that I missed when I was away. As far as my own blog is concerned, I’ve always said it’s easy to be prolific when everything you say amounts to mental defecation. (In which case you must have some smart shit, because yours posts are brilliant.) How are you able to post so frequently, and yet maintain such superb quality? I’m impressed.
nubian,
Here is my formula:
1. No job/time on my hands.
2. Unmedicated, unless you count the sangria.
3. Take the weekends off.
Here is my mantra:
That which doesn't kill me, makes me funnier.
You can cut down limbs at any of my ex's houses any time you'd like.
wg,
Oooooh, that sounds like so much fun. I've always wanted to be a serial killer. Maybe they'll make that movie about me afterall.
mm chainsaws.
aha <3 you're a good writer :)
Sangria and chainsaws sounds like a lovely combination. I usually prefer Jack Daniels when I operate machinery that can permamently handicap me.
ashley,
I don't own any powertools...yet. I see a trip to The Home Depot in my future.
Thanks for coming by.
mr. shife,
JD comes in a glass bottle and is therefore dangerous. Cheap sangria comes in a box and is therefore safe.
1
Upon serious and carefull reflection, it seems that once again you were insightfully correct in your carefull diagnosis of the problem at the branch/roof incident. A cursory glance does indicate a possible gravitational problem but deeper probing reveals that indeed, it is an issue of the Second Law of Thermodynamics. Well done.
And, apparently wanderinggirl has a contract for you, so you could buy clothes for your Iowa Episode. This kind of planning is going to require a database management system and another tub of grain alcohol.
I'm reminded of the time my dad said, "Get out here and help me move this shed." He actually meant the entire shed!! We picked it up by the wooden foundaton, and moved it. That was a bad day. On the say back into the house, I ran into a Joshua Tree, head first. I got one of the spines stuck in my head, pretty deep. It sucked. Or the time he wanted to take out a tree he thought would fall on the house. We pulled at that thing all damn day. Sheesh!!!
Kristyn
anastaia,
Ratio of sangria to blood=2:1
o,
Please refer to above ratio for use in correctly solving the equation. Gravity has not yet proved to be an issue for me, but it is only a matter of time. Gravity is just a theory. Just like evolution.
kristyn,
Your dad scares me. I will not be at Thanksgiving this year.
I'm glad to see that you caught on to the specific use of "limbs" instead of "trees". Shit, I've already said too much.
wg,
It's okay. I'm thinking that "Wandering Girl" probably isn't your real name.
Oh hell yeah! I worked for six weeks in "the woods" in Vermont as a lumberjack's assistant and I can tell you that operating a chainsaw is a hell of a lot more fun when you're high.
Oh, for a good glass of sangria!! It does make everything better!
Wow...really really great! That sounds so much fun.
The BodyTalk
matt,
Lumberjacks have assistants? I'm nobody's b*tch. I wanna be head lumberjack or nothing. Do the assistants have to wear a different color flannel?
c,
I have never been sad with a glass of sangria in my hand. It's kinda like how kids can't be upset with ice cream or candy or gift cards or whatever the hell it is that makes kids happy.
body,
I am oodles of fun. Thanks for noticing.
Thanks for coming by.
Ta muchly, Mist.
My kitchen flooded in August. I am holidaying in Vegas in December.
These two facts are entirely unrelated. Oh yes. Really. No link whatsoever...
GP
puss,
Brilliant. Just brilliant.
But then where I get that sense of accomplishment from?
From finishing your glass, of course.
av,
I am feeling more accomplished already.
1
First, I will respond to 0, but get confused at being referred to as o. Creeps me right out. It's a vision thing, like the word verificaaqtion thingy.
Next, look what you did.
Last, we have gravity because the planet sucks. And that's all I have to say about that. Now, where's the beer?
0,
High gravity beer?
O I do love Sangria!
I have SNAG-IT software for doing defined area screen shots but I think if you hit Prnt Scrn key and do paste into a word document then save as file type html you will get what you want.
If not, call me gf!
icl,
I will try to follow your instructions. The sangria could interfere.
Mist1,
I was the lumberjack's bitch. The thing about being an assistant is that I was handier with the paperwork and less so w/ the chainsaw.
You think I'm kidding but one time a more experienced lumberjack stopped me and said I was going to hurt myself. He then offered to let me borrow his "spare" chainsaw so I could practice "out back" at home over the weekend.
You can't make this shit up.
matt,
Spare chainsaw? Only a lumberjack...
I think I'm going to need some chainsaw practice time. I'm afraid I don't naturally have what it takes.
Unless, it takes sangria. Then, I've got it.
1
Nah, you just want to sit and drink the beer. Too much work to stand.
0,
Sometimes, I don't manage bar stools very well. They are slippery. Best to drink on the couch. May want to put down a tarp before I come over.
1
Tarps are good
You want the large plastic sheets or the old canvas type? The plastic ones come in colors! Blue, or some are in yellow, and there's one in camo!
0,
Color will depend on my mood, of course. Currently, loving the idea of camo. Will have to shop for appropriate outfit. I have nothing that goes with camo.
1
Camo it is, nothing is the perfect choice!
0,
I hope your house isn't drafty.
1
Drafts are not condusive to oral worship, hence they aren't permitted here.
0,
Thank G*d. I am opposed to the draft.
1
I also have a digitally controlled thermostat on my heating plant to assure you the correct temperature for your multi-orgasmic pleasure. You are hanging around for more than one, aren't you?
0,
I was not raised in a barn. I have some manners. I would never leave after just one. It would be rude.
1
I knew you were the right 1. This is just like the end of Casablanca, only better!
0,
Casablanca was in black and white.
Thanks to my parents, I am in black and white.
You should play the lottery.
1
OK
Pluto is a dwarf
A dog peed at the end of a runway
The Olympics in 2008 will be in China
2 8 16 23 27 33 and the powerball # 7
0,
I thought Pluto was a dog. Everything i was ever led to believe about Pluto is proving to be a farce.
1
And to think, poor Walt Disney died and they never told him a thing. But, I'll protect you from the forces of e-vile
0,
Ask around. I'm sure you'll find that I am one of the forces of evil. I wanted to be an Axis of Evil, but I didn't have the credentials.
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