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Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.
All The Better To Touch Myself With, My Dear
 I have that disease where my mouth and brain don't communicate very well. Also, I am kinda (c)rude. I have never been able to gracefully join a conversation. Generally, I just try to speak louder than the person that everyone is paying attention to. I am a hit, where ever I go.
Last night, over darts and beer, I overheard a conversation about shoes. I felt that it was deeply important that I share my vast knowledge of shoes with them. After pointing out how adorable my shoes were, I demonstrated my expertise on the subject by pointing out the flaws of the shoes of the people around us. I think everyone was impressed because they tried to change the subject.
A man with dark curly hair and piercing blue eyes (not that I was staring) mentioned that his right foot was larger than his left. I complemented him on his shoes (size 13!) and used my best scientific voice to explain that it is not uncommon for one foot to be larger than the other. Frequently, this occurs on the dominant side. I lowered my eyes demurely, hoping that he noted my use of the word "dominant."
At that, other people around began to announce which foot was the larger one. Wanting to be different, I loudly announced that the fingers on my left hand are bigger than those of my right.
Silence. Then giggles. The dark haired man said, "But Grandmother, what large fingers you have."
I bought my left hand a drink and talked dirty to it for the rest of the night.
Mist 1
"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut
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Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA
Yes, it is about me. Thanks for noticing.
123 Valerie Strikes Again
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c-writing
Cardiac Fantasies
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Curiosity Killer
Dallas Dysfunction
Dan's Blah Blah Blog
Disgruntled Workforce
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Exorcise My Devils
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How to go Insane
I Am Woman, See Me Blog!
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Jen (and Andrew)
Just Tug
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Single Life As I Know It
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Tiny Voices in My Head
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I Am Stunning
Chef's Specials
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Geri(atric) & Me
My Homecoming Date
Dying at Home
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I'm a Lumberjack
Unenjoyment
Header image photo by Alison.
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I have that disease where my mouth and brain don't communicate very well. Also, I am kinda (c)rude. I have never been able to gracefully join a conversation. Generally, I just try to speak louder than the person that everyone is paying attention to. I am a hit, where ever I go.
66 Comments:
Some people just don't appreciate good shoes, or hands for that matter...
Why, Grandmother, you have such a way with words. And your shoes are really cute.
I suffer from the same disease. It doesn't matter which foot is bigger, though; they both fit in my mouth quite well.
Kinda puts a new twist on the old game of stinky finger doesn't it?
Not quite sure how to interpret the little red riding hood part though.
Later Yall.
Bahahahaha! You are the type of girl i could happily hang with. I like your moxie.
I'm also rather fond of my right hand...wait, maybe actually just two fingers i don't want to give the wrong impression, like if i was in love with my FIST then things might get weird...But I'm not....So...I'll just be leaving now.
shadow,
How can people not appreciate good shoes? I think it should be a crime.
hearts,
Don't chew on your shoes. That is not allowed.
melon,
I'm not that metaphorical. Let me know if it reveals something about my psyche.
steph,
Hmmmm...awkward. The fist, I mean. The comment, rather. Not the fist. Nevermind.
You know Mist I never saw you as a darts and beer woman. Please don't shatter my fantasy. Most female arrow chuckers I know have enourmous tummies and are always bragging about how they regularly get 'three in a bed'!
gambo,
I am simply irresistable when I throw darts. Yes, a bit dangerous, but irresistable.
Hey - I do the same thing!
Such elegance. Such charm. I'd make a move on your left hand, don't you worry about that!
Talking dirty to your own bodyparts? I like it! What happened to the dark-haired, blue-eyed man? I hope you didn't let him get away; large feet, good eyes, hair, and a pronounced kinky streak. That's husband material if ever I saw it...
GP
I too have no self-censor button when it comes to talking. Luckily I'm so irresistably charming no one seems to care.
Had I only known, I could have bought the rest of your body a drink and talked messy to it. One can never tell where i might have ended up!
av,
You're left handed?
orhan,
First you'd have to buy my hand a drink.
icl,
You know she just wanted the wolf to eat her.
puss,
I know where to find him.
I love to point out to groups of people that I have dainty piano fingers with the best manicured hands, normally while I'm drunk stoned and at my cursing peak. Yeah, I'm all class.
i heard boobs do the same thing. maybe we've got a dominant boob.
Dominant Boob is a GREAT name for a band.
drib,
My left hand is expensive. Try the right.
karma,
My lack of charm is part of my charm.
0,
Talking messy will get you everywhere.
Way to put your best foot forward, Mist1.
hmmmm...my incredibly clever and witty comment about my dominant boob has somehow not appeared on your incredibly clever and witty post!
Mostly I just wanted to say that I thought Dominant Boob was a GREAT name for a band.
Ooooooooooh, baby, mmmmmm, Lefthand.
Was it good for you too, honey?
:<)
I'll have what she's having.
And does the right hand know what's going on here?
maiden,
I fail to see what's wrong with this. Seems perfectly acceptable to me.
lee,
This is true about boobs. My left is practically falling out of it's A cup, while the right has room for my wallet and a lipstick and my cellphone and my keys and the remote control.
I live for shoes. And I hate when people wear ugly shoes, especially if they have on a nice outfit. Girls where I live have a horrible habit of wearing clunky black shoes with bright, feminine dresses. Somewhere someone lied to them and told them that black goes with everything. It does NOT. If I didn't think it would get me shot, I would approach all offenders and tell them about themselves, complete with a slap upside their head.
matt,
I do what I can.
lee,
Comment verification is acting strangely today. Yes, I do think that's an excellent band name. If I had any musical talent, or well, any talent at all, I would totally steal it from you.
Mist: Thanks for the sweetness. I feel it. I went over to the site that reviewed my blog and just saw what you said. Please email me your personal email.
hearts,
Mind if we smoke?
steven,
Never, in all my days have I been called a slut. Finally!
cheet,
No. Not the clunky black/sundress look. I thought that died years ago.
matt,
The right hand and I have an open relationship.
Wow, we totally have that talking loud to steal attention thing in common. Works especially well at the bar, you can just blame it on talking over the blaring Fergie song, ya know?
I think my right breast is larger than the left. I have to order different tassle sizes for them. What does that mean?
So, do big feet counteract the theory of the sportscar driver?
My hand and I have been together for as long as I can remember but lately it's been giving me attitude. How can it tell me no? I just don't know what to do...
maiden,
Don't go around telling people I'm sweet. I have a bad reputation to maintain.
cinders,
Confession: If Fergie's song comes on in a bar, I totally have hot dance moves.
britt,
You need to join a tassle exchange group. You will get paired with a woman with equally disproportionate boobs. Order two sets of tassles and exchange.
There I was, stumbling around the dark, fumbling for a lightswitch. When I finally found one, and turned it on, I found myself here in your blog, having no idea of how I got here.
And now that the lights are on, I can see that what I thought was a cobweb is actually a pair of black panties laced up the back.
dallas,
You need to get your hand in check. Let it see you with your other hand. That should make it jealous. It'll start acting right.
If that doesn't work, write it a poem. My hands always fall for sh*t like that.
That explains why my right hand is bigger...
dan,
I already got mine. Those must be yours.
Thanks for coming by.
Someone once asked me if I used any type of fantasy to come (cum - so stupid to me)...anyway,
I explained that I sometimes think about my left hand while my right hand is working.
My personal editor takes long naps when I need her most and I've said the dumbest things at the strangest moments.
Actually, people with the exact same size feet are usually pretty weird.
www.buyagunandshootyourself.blogspot.com
nwjr,
Johns Hopkins, right? I thought I recognized you.
karmyn,
Didn't see his car. With feet like that he is probably on a bicycle.
Thanks for coming by.
Cor, I like your blog.
jali,
Don't you feel guilty? What if the right finds out?
neil,
Can't help but notice that you didn't share which one of your feet is larger. Or are they the same size?
That was seriously entertaining.
Your hand must have left you feeling fine.
NAUGHTY!!!
monkey,
Thanks. I like it too.
Thanks for coming by.
anastasia,
Depends on which hand you ask.
princess,
I was entertained.
c,
Lefty is soooo good to me.
nihilistic,
Maybe a little.
(blushing)
1
and yet no one has yet mentioned the notion of switching hands or picking up strokes. Think of the potential.
0,
I think picking up strokes and switching hands has to do with either a.) knitting or b.) bowling.
1
Never naughty, maybe a little messy.
0,
I am naughty, but nice.
1
add a layer of French vanilla cream, and a layer of Kaluah and you have the perfect after dinner drink.
0,
Where did I put that damn Kahlua?
1
I have it right here. Hold still.
0,
You are a life saver. Have you seen my keys? Or what about that little green jacket? Or my other sock for that matter...
1
No problem, your keys are under my hip, the little green jacket will be back from the dry cleaner on Monday, and is this the sock you're looking for? Can you say zip o dee do dah?
0,
That was a test. You passed.
Now can you tell me where I can find a good deal on Manolos?
1
No problem, we go to stores that sell them close to closing. You slip into warehouse and wait for the store to close. Best to morph into your meditative ninja stance, the one where you are invisible. When everyone is gone, you simply take every pair that you'd like, put them in a plastic carrying bag that the store would have provided anyway. Leave the empty boxes on the shelf. Since you were wearing your ninja glovs, it will appear to be a production error when it is finally discovered. Then you can merely glide to the loading dock door where the trash is taken. I will meet you there. The door will be open, just let yourself in.
There are alternatives, but they've been done before.
0,
I am not cut out for the life of a ninja. I talk a lot. Also, my heels make a click click click on the floor. Makes it impossible to sneak up on people. Can't I just wear a Nixon mask and storm the warehouse?
1
How many pair do you want to take? This is a critical design issue.
0,
Will need a truck and smash and grab crew. I already have the crew. Do you have a truck?
1
No problem, I'll just stop off at Smash 'N Grab Truck Rentals and pick one up. Eighteen wheeler, I assume.
0,
Naturally.
Get a 5-speed if they have one.
1
Not a problem. Think we might need a second truck?
0,
Good thinking. One for the handbags.
1
I knew you were a planner
0,
Adding that to my resume.
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