To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Tuesday, October 10, 2006

All The Better To Touch Myself With, My Dear


I have that disease where my mouth and brain don't communicate very well. Also, I am kinda (c)rude. I have never been able to gracefully join a conversation. Generally, I just try to speak louder than the person that everyone is paying attention to. I am a hit, where ever I go.

Last night, over darts and beer, I overheard a conversation about shoes. I felt that it was deeply important that I share my vast knowledge of shoes with them. After pointing out how adorable my shoes were, I demonstrated my expertise on the subject by pointing out the flaws of the shoes of the people around us. I think everyone was impressed because they tried to change the subject.

A man with dark curly hair and piercing blue eyes (not that I was staring) mentioned that his right foot was larger than his left. I complemented him on his shoes (size 13!) and used my best scientific voice to explain that it is not uncommon for one foot to be larger than the other. Frequently, this occurs on the dominant side. I lowered my eyes demurely, hoping that he noted my use of the word "dominant."

At that, other people around began to announce which foot was the larger one. Wanting to be different, I loudly announced that the fingers on my left hand are bigger than those of my right.

Silence. Then giggles. The dark haired man said, "But Grandmother, what large fingers you have."

I bought my left hand a drink and talked dirty to it for the rest of the night.

Mist 1


70 Comments:

At 12:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Some people just don't appreciate good shoes, or hands for that matter...

 
At 12:21 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Why, Grandmother, you have such a way with words. And your shoes are really cute.

I suffer from the same disease. It doesn't matter which foot is bigger, though; they both fit in my mouth quite well.

 
At 12:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kinda puts a new twist on the old game of stinky finger doesn't it?

Not quite sure how to interpret the little red riding hood part though.

Later Yall.

 
At 2:33 AM, Blogger Steph said...

Bahahahaha! You are the type of girl i could happily hang with. I like your moxie.
I'm also rather fond of my right hand...wait, maybe actually just two fingers i don't want to give the wrong impression, like if i was in love with my FIST then things might get weird...But I'm not....So...I'll just be leaving now.

 
At 4:41 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

shadow,

How can people not appreciate good shoes? I think it should be a crime.

hearts,

Don't chew on your shoes. That is not allowed.

melon,

I'm not that metaphorical. Let me know if it reveals something about my psyche.

steph,

Hmmmm...awkward. The fist, I mean. The comment, rather. Not the fist. Nevermind.

 
At 4:43 AM, Blogger Gambo said...

You know Mist I never saw you as a darts and beer woman. Please don't shatter my fantasy. Most female arrow chuckers I know have enourmous tummies and are always bragging about how they regularly get 'three in a bed'!

 
At 5:08 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

gambo,

I am simply irresistable when I throw darts. Yes, a bit dangerous, but irresistable.

 
At 5:15 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Hey - I do the same thing!

 
At 5:25 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Such elegance. Such charm. I'd make a move on your left hand, don't you worry about that!

 
At 5:30 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

Stupid bitch Riding Hood. As a kid I never got why she couldn't tell the difference between her Grandma and the wolf. She deserved to get eaten. Yes, that's why bad things happen to stupid people.

 
At 5:48 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Talking dirty to your own bodyparts? I like it! What happened to the dark-haired, blue-eyed man? I hope you didn't let him get away; large feet, good eyes, hair, and a pronounced kinky streak. That's husband material if ever I saw it...

GP

 
At 5:55 AM, Blogger Mindless Dribbler said...

Well, at least it's a cheap date?

 
At 5:58 AM, Blogger karma lennon said...

I too have no self-censor button when it comes to talking. Luckily I'm so irresistably charming no one seems to care.

 
At 6:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Had I only known, I could have bought the rest of your body a drink and talked messy to it. One can never tell where i might have ended up!

 
At 6:13 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

av,

You're left handed?

orhan,

First you'd have to buy my hand a drink.

icl,

You know she just wanted the wolf to eat her.

puss,

I know where to find him.

 
At 7:02 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

I love to point out to groups of people that I have dainty piano fingers with the best manicured hands, normally while I'm drunk stoned and at my cursing peak. Yeah, I'm all class.

 
At 7:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i heard boobs do the same thing. maybe we've got a dominant boob.

Dominant Boob is a GREAT name for a band.

 
At 7:55 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

drib,

My left hand is expensive. Try the right.

karma,

My lack of charm is part of my charm.

0,

Talking messy will get you everywhere.

 
At 8:23 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Way to put your best foot forward, Mist1.

 
At 8:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmmmm...my incredibly clever and witty comment about my dominant boob has somehow not appeared on your incredibly clever and witty post!

Mostly I just wanted to say that I thought Dominant Boob was a GREAT name for a band.

 
At 8:45 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Ooooooooooh, baby, mmmmmm, Lefthand.

Was it good for you too, honey?


:<)

I'll have what she's having.

 
At 8:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You slut. ;)

Steve~

 
At 8:58 AM, Blogger Matt said...

And does the right hand know what's going on here?

 
At 9:08 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

maiden,

I fail to see what's wrong with this. Seems perfectly acceptable to me.

lee,

This is true about boobs. My left is practically falling out of it's A cup, while the right has room for my wallet and a lipstick and my cellphone and my keys and the remote control.

 
At 9:24 AM, Blogger Cheetarah1980 said...

I live for shoes. And I hate when people wear ugly shoes, especially if they have on a nice outfit. Girls where I live have a horrible habit of wearing clunky black shoes with bright, feminine dresses. Somewhere someone lied to them and told them that black goes with everything. It does NOT. If I didn't think it would get me shot, I would approach all offenders and tell them about themselves, complete with a slap upside their head.

 
At 9:46 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

I do what I can.

lee,

Comment verification is acting strangely today. Yes, I do think that's an excellent band name. If I had any musical talent, or well, any talent at all, I would totally steal it from you.

 
At 10:53 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

Mist: Thanks for the sweetness. I feel it. I went over to the site that reviewed my blog and just saw what you said. Please email me your personal email.

 
At 11:05 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

Mind if we smoke?

steven,

Never, in all my days have I been called a slut. Finally!

cheet,

No. Not the clunky black/sundress look. I thought that died years ago.

matt,

The right hand and I have an open relationship.

 
At 11:18 AM, Blogger cinders said...

Wow, we totally have that talking loud to steal attention thing in common. Works especially well at the bar, you can just blame it on talking over the blaring Fergie song, ya know?

 
At 11:19 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

I think my right breast is larger than the left. I have to order different tassle sizes for them. What does that mean?

 
At 11:31 AM, Blogger Karmyn R said...

So, do big feet counteract the theory of the sportscar driver?

 
At 11:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My hand and I have been together for as long as I can remember but lately it's been giving me attitude. How can it tell me no? I just don't know what to do...

 
At 12:20 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

maiden,

Don't go around telling people I'm sweet. I have a bad reputation to maintain.

 
At 12:32 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

cinders,

Confession: If Fergie's song comes on in a bar, I totally have hot dance moves.

britt,

You need to join a tassle exchange group. You will get paired with a woman with equally disproportionate boobs. Order two sets of tassles and exchange.

 
At 12:36 PM, Blogger Dan said...

There I was, stumbling around the dark, fumbling for a lightswitch. When I finally found one, and turned it on, I found myself here in your blog, having no idea of how I got here.

And now that the lights are on, I can see that what I thought was a cobweb is actually a pair of black panties laced up the back.

 
At 12:46 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

dallas,

You need to get your hand in check. Let it see you with your other hand. That should make it jealous. It'll start acting right.

If that doesn't work, write it a poem. My hands always fall for sh*t like that.

 
At 12:57 PM, Blogger NWJR said...

That explains why my right hand is bigger...

 
At 12:59 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

dan,

I already got mine. Those must be yours.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 1:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Someone once asked me if I used any type of fantasy to come (cum - so stupid to me)...anyway,
I explained that I sometimes think about my left hand while my right hand is working.

My personal editor takes long naps when I need her most and I've said the dumbest things at the strangest moments.

 
At 1:47 PM, Anonymous Neil said...

Actually, people with the exact same size feet are usually pretty weird.

 
At 1:50 PM, Blogger Vera Hardwick said...

www.buyagunandshootyourself.blogspot.com

 
At 2:09 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nwjr,

Johns Hopkins, right? I thought I recognized you.

 
At 2:15 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

karmyn,

Didn't see his car. With feet like that he is probably on a bicycle.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 4:38 PM, Blogger NON-WORKINGMONKEY said...

Cor, I like your blog.

 
At 4:51 PM, Blogger anastasia said...

Well, I don't mean to pry....did you get lucky?

 
At 5:04 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

jali,

Don't you feel guilty? What if the right finds out?

neil,

Can't help but notice that you didn't share which one of your feet is larger. Or are they the same size?

 
At 5:41 PM, Blogger princessdominique said...

That was seriously entertaining.

 
At 6:00 PM, Blogger C said...

Your hand must have left you feeling fine.

 
At 6:56 PM, Blogger Nihilistic said...

NAUGHTY!!!

 
At 9:09 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

monkey,

Thanks. I like it too.

Thanks for coming by.

anastasia,

Depends on which hand you ask.

princess,

I was entertained.

c,

Lefty is soooo good to me.

nihilistic,

Maybe a little.

(blushing)

 
At 11:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
and yet no one has yet mentioned the notion of switching hands or picking up strokes. Think of the potential.

 
At 12:06 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I think picking up strokes and switching hands has to do with either a.) knitting or b.) bowling.

 
At 8:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Never naughty, maybe a little messy.

 
At 11:21 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I am naughty, but nice.

 
At 8:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
add a layer of French vanilla cream, and a layer of Kaluah and you have the perfect after dinner drink.

 
At 8:32 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Where did I put that damn Kahlua?

 
At 9:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I have it right here. Hold still.

 
At 6:21 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

You are a life saver. Have you seen my keys? Or what about that little green jacket? Or my other sock for that matter...

 
At 5:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
No problem, your keys are under my hip, the little green jacket will be back from the dry cleaner on Monday, and is this the sock you're looking for? Can you say zip o dee do dah?

 
At 7:45 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

That was a test. You passed.

Now can you tell me where I can find a good deal on Manolos?

 
At 12:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
No problem, we go to stores that sell them close to closing. You slip into warehouse and wait for the store to close. Best to morph into your meditative ninja stance, the one where you are invisible. When everyone is gone, you simply take every pair that you'd like, put them in a plastic carrying bag that the store would have provided anyway. Leave the empty boxes on the shelf. Since you were wearing your ninja glovs, it will appear to be a production error when it is finally discovered. Then you can merely glide to the loading dock door where the trash is taken. I will meet you there. The door will be open, just let yourself in.

There are alternatives, but they've been done before.

 
At 2:27 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I am not cut out for the life of a ninja. I talk a lot. Also, my heels make a click click click on the floor. Makes it impossible to sneak up on people. Can't I just wear a Nixon mask and storm the warehouse?

 
At 2:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
How many pair do you want to take? This is a critical design issue.

 
At 4:47 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Will need a truck and smash and grab crew. I already have the crew. Do you have a truck?

 
At 3:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
No problem, I'll just stop off at Smash 'N Grab Truck Rentals and pick one up. Eighteen wheeler, I assume.

 
At 5:07 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Naturally.

Get a 5-speed if they have one.

 
At 8:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Not a problem. Think we might need a second truck?

 
At 9:35 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Good thinking. One for the handbags.

 
At 9:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I knew you were a planner

 
At 9:57 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Adding that to my resume.

 

Post a Comment

"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut

ABOUT ME
ABOUT ME
Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA

Yes, it is about me. Thanks for noticing.

BLOGROLL

123 Valerie Strikes Again
A Day in the Life
A Day in the Wind
Ali Thinks
Allan Thinks
Animal Mind
A View From The Watter's Edge
Avitable
BNR - Blog Name Removed
Briliant Donkey
Burnett's Urban Etiquette
Burt Reynolds' Mustache
c-writing
Cardiac Fantasies
Carnival of the Mundane
Curiosity Killer
Dallas Dysfunction
Dan's Blah Blah Blog
Disgruntled Workforce
DKY Bar and Grill
Exorcise My Devils
Fantasy and Sci-Fi Lovin' Blog
Fresh Air Lover
Guilty With An Explanation
How to go Insane
I Am Woman, See Me Blog!
Intelligent Humor
It's Go Time!
It's No Picknick!
Jester Tunes
Jen (and Andrew)
Just Tug
Karlababble
Ketchup With My Fries, Please
Liner Notes
Little White Liar
Maiden New York
Mayren Abashed
Meloncutter Musings
Mindy Does Minneapolis
Miss Britt
Much Ado about sumthin!
Muffin 53
Pointless Banter
Pointless Drivel
Q's Corner
Random Moments
Roadtrip
Sanity Optional
Single Life As I Know It
Secret Suburban Misfit
Southern Circle of Hell
Studio-Twenty-Three
The Assimilated Negro
The Death of Retail Price
The Dragon: 050376
The Morning Meeting
The Post College Years
The Wonderful World of Nothing Worthwhile
Tiny Voices in My Head

NEWEST POSTS

Neighborhood Watch
I Am Stunning
Chef's Specials
Stocking Up
Geri(atric) & Me
My Homecoming Date
Dying at Home
The "1"
I'm a Lumberjack
Unenjoyment

ARCHIVES

Credits

Header image photo by Alison.

 Subscribe in a reader

 Subscribe to comments

RFS Blog Awards Winner