To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Monday, October 09, 2006

Neighborhood Watch


Sunday morning, I was recovering from a sudden onset of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is when you have to stay in fetal position until you get up the strength to make a Bloody Mary to take the edge off the night before.

I wasn't quite ready to stand completely upright when my phone rang. I tried to sound perky, as though perhaps, I was not wearing last night's makeup. It was one of my neighbors.

"Mist, I think you might have dropped something outside."

"Thanks, I'll get it later."

"No, you might want to come out here now, it's um...personal," he insisted.

"Can you grab it for me and set it near my door?" I asked.

"I think you'd better come out here. It's um, your underwear. They're black and lace up the back."

They were mine. I wasn't surprised that he knew what my panties looked like. I wear low rise jeans and I am perpetually either pulling up my pants or pushing down my underwear. What I wanted to know, was how they ended up outside.

Sure, I have come home with my panties in my purse. Who hasn't? Usually, I forget they're in there and pull them out someplace inconvenient, like the grocery store with the 16 year old cashier.

I got out of fetal position and threw on my bathrobe. There they were. Neatly laced up the back. On display for my entire community. When I picked them up, an acorn from the big oak fell out.

That's the first time those panties have had a nut in them.

I giggled a little and slinked back inside.

Mist 1


83 Comments:

At 9:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Any idea what happened to the rest of the guy?

 
At 9:53 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Am afraid to ask. Luckily, the rest of the neighborhood watch was probably taking notes.

 
At 10:17 PM, Blogger Some Random Girl said...

maybe your friend was hoping that you wouldn't claim them so he could put his nut in them! Oh and I answered you back....

 
At 10:42 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

srg,

Can't say I'd mind...

 
At 11:05 PM, Blogger Cazzie!!! said...

I love it, just love it! What a cracker of a thing to happen, pardon the pun.
Like the time when a neighbour of mine told my husband he liked "chicks with love handles and nice bazookers like mine and his own wives'". I then put on a robe over my nightie each time I hung out the washing...coz he had the advantage of a 2nd story house that overlooked my yard...neighbourhood watch, indeed!!!

 
At 11:10 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

cazzie,

I was with you for the whole bazookers thing. I even followed the whole neighbour with a "u" thing. But what is all this "hung out the washing" business?

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 11:49 PM, Blogger Nihilistic said...

I have asked you once and I'm not going to ask again...STOP TAKING MY PANTIES AND WEARING THEM OUT!

 
At 12:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anyone who has had a morning like that is either lying or very conservative. Hope your hangovers better.

 
At 2:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your neighborhood sounds a lot more interesting than mine. Although we did get to put up a sign to elect my neighbor for the school board...that's about as exciting as it gets around here.

 
At 2:56 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Mist,

I applaud your taste in lingerie. I now avoid the whole 'leaving my knickers somewhere inconvenient' business by not wearing any. It was getting expensive. Your neighbour is a gentleman for calling you - most would just put them with the others in the garden shed...

GP

 
At 4:39 AM, Blogger spoon said...

I think your undies were forced to sneak out in order to get some action!! Hope the FAS has passed - I had that on Sunday too!

 
At 4:56 AM, Blogger Vengelyne said...

Coming home with the undies in the purse? Sounds like fun. I need to try that out sometime soon...

 
At 5:08 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nihilistic,

You are a sexy b*tch.

shadow,

I'm very conservative. Except for my panties.

michael,

Let me crash with you for a couple weeks. I'll perk the neighborhood right up. Also, I'd like to run for City Council.

puss,

I'm worried that if I didn't wear panties, I'd leave my pants outside.

spoon,

Pretty soon all my panties will be making an exodus.

Yes, I have recovered from the FAS.

venge,

I find it works best when it's my panties.

 
At 5:21 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

Just leave them - that way the person you were with can hang them on the wall in loving memory of the night with Mist.

 
At 5:37 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

cheeky,

Those were pricey panties. Plus, I do leave something to remember me. It's called my phone number.

 
At 5:47 AM, Blogger karma lennon said...

I suffer from FAS every other day. It's a downside to the all beer diet. But I have lost 10 lbs.

 
At 5:59 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

I usually come home with my bra in my purse. Honest. Panties schmanties -- get with '06 Mist. No more panties!

 
At 6:18 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Yeah, I've done that, too. That's why I stopped buying designer lables. They say a woman isn't dressed without a handbag and shoes so as long as I come home with those, I'm holding my head up high like the lady I am...

GP

 
At 7:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm confused be panties that lace up the back. are they corset panties?

 
At 7:30 AM, Blogger anastasia said...

I'm jealous.....I want to come home without my panties!! I don't think hubby would approve though.

Ya know, at least it wasn't a creepy neighbor, one who would of taken the panties for himself and kept them to....well, what ever panty snatchers do with someone elses panties.

 
At 7:54 AM, Blogger saurabh said...

I knew it. All those fucking squirrels are perverts.

 
At 8:42 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

karma,

It is simply insane to me that we don't hang out.

maiden,

You mean the cool kids don't wear panties? No wonder they look so cool.

puss,

Does it count if you come home with just one shoe?

lee,

Yes, they are corset panties. I had a butt cheek removed to lace them up.

Please take the rest of the day off and go to Victoria's Secret.

anastasia,

Panty snatchers sniff panties. You don't have to be a panty snatcher to know that.

saurabh,

It all makes perfect sense now. I was hanging out in the trees with the squirrels. Having a few beers. Things got out of hand.

 
At 8:46 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Er, why not? We're all grown ups here after all...

GP
PS - What kind of shoe whore are you to lose the objects of your love?! Sacrilege!

 
At 8:47 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

It was a flip flop. The "diamond" embellished strap snapped. I came home with my head hung low and one bare foot.

 
At 8:54 AM, Anonymous Alison said...

I wonder what our neighbor Judy would say if she found my underwear outside? She'd probably chalk it up to the crazy college students in the neighborhood.

You know, this means that I can get away with a LOT of shit. Thanks, Mist!

 
At 9:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like when girls type the word panties. :)

Steve~

 
At 9:31 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Flip flop? That's ok then - they are not shoes, technically speaking, and are thus immune from the shoe whore pledge of footwear worship.

Still, there's a lesson in there.

Here endeth the sermon.

GP

 
At 9:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Memories..ah!
Hey you ought to get those mitten holders that we wore when I was a kid, the ones that clipped your mittens on so you woulnd't lose them!.....Wow...a new invention!!
or you could use the mitten holders too...one clip for the panties, one clip for the bra!
There ya go!
Peace

 
At 10:01 AM, Blogger Mindless Dribbler said...

My opinion is if they were in your yard...you did pretty damn good to make it home with them at least.

 
At 10:07 AM, Blogger C. said...

hmmm...he really inspected them didn't he??

 
At 10:29 AM, Blogger C. said...

ok...i know I left a comment earlier...I think your blog ate it....

 
At 10:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stands With One Butt Cheek is your "Official Native American Name."

 
At 11:13 AM, Blogger Matt said...

LMAO! Right now, I am enjoying my day off by putting a little Jack Daniels into my Starbucks coffee before I'm off for a mountain bike ride. Hell, I might as well bring the bottle w/ me!

Though I'm not superstitious, when I'm in that fetal position I moan call out to a character named "Jesus" for help.

Yes, Jesus of Nazareth, the patron saint of the hangover.

 
At 11:17 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Yeah, pretty sure they were yours, eh?

I know the feeling. Walking around at work all morning "helloing" everyone only to realize later that your fly is down....

And then there were all of those times when I accidentally dropped a small bag of weed on the store counter.

"Cash only," the clerk said!

 
At 11:21 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Worst case scenario: neighbor calls to inform young woman that her "period panties" are on the damn lawn, please retrieve them."

Oh god.

 
At 11:32 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

I always have panties in my purse. When I carry a purse, that is. It's good to keep a spare pair around...you never know when you might need them.

 
At 12:29 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

alison,

As always, I am here to help.

steven,

panties panties panties jello panties panties panties panties panties jello.

puss,

May shoes be with you.

Amen.

odat,

That is pure genius. Will made a prototype today.

drib,

Am feeling much better about myself. I like your perspective.

c,

I am imagining him inspecting them. Hold on....okay.

lee,

I thought it was "Little Big Mouth."

matt, matt, matt,

I never call out for Jesus when I am in fetal position. I don't want him to see me like that. Sometimes, I cry out for Mary though.

I have this mental picture of the clerk saying, "I'm sorry sir, your weed's no good here."

nwjr,

Extra panties? Whatever for? Just get a slingshot.

 
At 12:39 PM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

WTF? Your blog ate my comment from this morning!

 
At 1:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh - expensive lace up the back panties, huh?

Damn - Now I'll never be able to talk about my "Hanes Her Way" underwear and be taken seriously.

Alas.

 
At 3:43 PM, Blogger desiree said...

Remember that one time where I deduced that you must wear slinky undies because you too had made the mistake of putting them on iside out? Well? Was I not totally right? Hello. I was.

 
At 4:08 PM, Blogger C said...

That reminds me of the time I had some wild night with some guy, got locked in from the outside and was let out by some housecleans that later found my thong and folded it neatly on the guys bed who later called me and wondered how I got out and why I had left my panties. I said lame ass - you left me passed out in this padlocked room and I could not find my panties and I came to. All he could say was he could not wake me ... he said he freaked out because I was like a limp rag.

 
At 4:33 PM, Blogger anastasia said...

I'm pretty sure they might wear them as well as sniff them..... (one of mom's ex's) sad...but true!

 
At 4:55 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

britt,

Apparently, my blog is hungry today. Second complaint. Sorry.

jali,

We must shop together. Lenox Mall. I'll be the one with the big hair and bad highlights.

desiree,

I generally don't react well when people say, "I told you so." This whole experience has been humbling.

 
At 5:27 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

c,

Ah, the old limp rag technique. I've used that one too.

 
At 5:57 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

anastasia,

They may sniff all they want. I draw the line at wearing them.

 
At 6:00 PM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

There's only one thing worse than finding your panties in your yard. Finding your clothes down the street.

 
At 6:32 PM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

Hmmmm, note to self, get black lace up panties to be left wherever I want. Maybe I'll be having more of the "fun night out" stories and less of the "I shared a room with my sister" wedding weekends.

 
At 6:54 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

How about a nut JOB? :<)

 
At 7:10 PM, Blogger Steph said...

Now in my neighbourhood, those panties would have been snatched up by some dirty pervert, before they even touched the ground!!

you have nice neighbours. Send him some flowers or sumthin'.

 
At 7:31 PM, Blogger Kris Bartels said...

Are you sure that's the first time there's been a nut in your undies? I know of more than one kind of nut...

 
At 8:22 PM, Blogger Some Random Girl said...

I stopped wearing panties a few years ago. I feel so liberated and love it! no more butt floss for me!

 
At 9:30 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

icl,

Maybe I should stay at home next weekend.

wg,

This has huge potential to backfire.

hearts,

I am a nut job. Can I get paid for this?

steph,

Does Hallmark make a card for this situation?

kris,

I plead the fifth.

srg,

I floss daily. Usually, more than once.

 
At 9:54 PM, Blogger ChiefMommy Owl said...

O.K. I have never come home with my panties in my purse. Feel so lame.

Sara

 
At 10:18 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

chief,

It doesn't have to be a special occasion. The next time you go to the grocery store, slip off your panties in the parking lot (in the car is probably best). Drive home sans panties. Leave them on the walk up to your door.

Simple, really.

 
At 5:00 AM, Blogger Nattie said...

Golden!

 
At 5:27 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

You are simply a classic. Your trailer park prose is enough to warm my heart.. yes, heart.

 
At 5:48 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nattie,

No, not golden. Black and lace up.

 
At 6:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, panties are a hot topic. I never knew underwear was such a hit. Note to self: blog about underwear.

 
At 6:15 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

orhan,

Y'all c'mon by my double wide any time.

 
At 7:32 AM, Anonymous kristynmarie said...

Yeah, I think i'd be more creeped out that my neighbor knew what my undies looked like. I mean, I'd have to wonder what I'd done while in a drunken stooper! ;) Unless of course I were the only possible choice for underwear that looked like that, then I'd just be embarrassed.

Kristyn

 
At 7:56 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

You should see the google hits I get.

 
At 9:12 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kristyn,

My panty selection from day to day is no secret. My jeans expose my hip bones and a whale tail in the back. For some odd reason, I think this is sexy.

 
At 9:26 AM, Blogger Cheetarah1980 said...

How in the hellin did your panties come off? Were you using your abnormally long fingers on your left hand before you got in the house?

 
At 11:11 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

cheet,

No details. Sorry.

 
At 2:41 PM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

You're telling me!

 
At 11:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
If panties gets this kind of response, what do you get when you mention garter belts? Do they go spastic?

 
At 12:07 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Will have to try. Get the heart pills.

 
At 8:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
OK, I'm straped in and ready to go. Jump to light speed Capt.

 
At 8:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, mist!

Thanks for the comment yesterday. Panties rock, that's one of the best parts about being a girl ;)

 
At 11:20 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

victoria,

Well said. Adding that to my list of why I'm glad I'm a girl.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 11:22 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I am strapped on and ready too.

 
At 8:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
What kind of panties go with the garter belt? And what kind of stocking? know they will have seams, but there's way more details, aren't there? Things any good lez would want to know.

 
At 8:34 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Panties: Crotchless

Must leave something for the imagination...

 
At 9:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
the mind boggles. Could be a game? ...

 
At 6:22 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Boggle is already a game.

 
At 5:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Great! Let's play a game I know well.

 
At 7:45 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Twister?

 
At 12:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Sounds like foreplay to me.

 
At 2:30 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Foreplay?

Oh, like when I win a game of darts before I take you home?

 
At 3:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Sort of. I thought it was loser got their ass whipped, then was the sex slave to the winner for the weekend. Please apologize to the bartender for almost hitting him with the dart for me, will you. I'll be warming up my jaw while you pay the bar bill.

 
At 4:47 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

At least it was a memorable first date.

 
At 3:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Can't wait until the second one

 
At 5:09 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

But how can you top the first?

 

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Name: Mist1
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